I told.

Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences. And for telling me not to worry if I don't see a heartbeat next week. I really appreciate your feedback and honesty. Sniff. I'm going to cry now.

M and I had a good conversation about whether to tell or not when I got home yesterday - he basically said along the same lines as what many of you had said - that if something does go wrong, we don't want to have to untell too many people. So I'm telling the people that I've been leaning on throughout this year, and would need to lean on even more if something did go wrong. I think that as Rebecca and Laurie said, I'd like them to share in the good news, even if it doesn't last.

So anyway, I called my college friend and told her. I'm so glad I did. She was so obviously happy for me. And she said the sweetest thing - that just this morning, in her prayers, she had made a bargain with God, that it was okay if she took a while to get pregnant (she just started trying this month), just as long as it happened for me soon. (Let's not get into the naivete of that statement - she does get that it's not as easy as it seems). I was so touched by that. Made me teary.

At the moment I'm feeling a little bit hungrier than normal, a little bit of tenderness in my chestage area (can't quite call it cleavage), and I think I'm hiccuping a bit more than is usual for me, but that's about it. I'm seriously considering either peeing on another OPK, or going out to buy another HPT. Just to make sure. (So far my count is two HPT's and one OPK).

(I also need to quit with the parenthetical statements!)

To tell, or not to tell?

I have always thought that when I was pregnant, I would tell family members right away. I'm very close with my mom and sister, and can't imagine not telling them. In fact, my sister knew before anyone else, even M, coz I tested at her house. We told my in-laws at their house on Christmas Eve, and my mom and her husband at our house Christmas Day. And I told you guys, of course!

The question is, tell other people or not. I have a few very good friends whom I've kept in the loop through all my ups and downs, and I want to tell them. I know that it's early, and we don't know that everything is okay yet (although signs are looking good - cramping has almost disappeared, and I imagine that if it were an ectopic pregnancy that they would continue to get worse). But I feel perfectly okay with telling people whose support I would want in case everything didn't go well. My best friend from high school, from college, and a select other few that have been my pillars as I've gone through treatment.

M, on the other hand, doesn't want to tell anyone else. "It's awfully early", he says. I don't yet understand exactly why he feels this way. I told him this morning that I wanted to tell my college friend, and he seemed quite set against it. We were IM'ing about it, and that wasn't really getting anywhere, so we're going to discuss when I get home.

What do you think? If you've been through it and told people early, were you glad you did afterwards or not?

u/s scheduled for next Friday at 3pm. According to my calculations, I'll be 5w6d then, so hopefully we'll see a heartbeat!!!

First few weeks

I haven't been able to write long posts over the last couple of days because I haven't really known what to say. Mostly because I still don't quite believe that it's true. But also, as so many others have said, because now this blog has to change a little bit. I do have a lot of thoughts tumbling around in my head though, so I'm going to try and put them to computer so I don't forget.

I noticed some mild cramping right around 7-9 dpo, I'm guessing that was from implantation. Had never felt anything like it with my IUIs. Then the cramps started up again about four days ago, and I've had them on and off ever since. More on the right side than on the left. That, along with my relatively high betas (well outside the range for the dpo I'm on), makes me wonder about an ectopic pregnancy. I'm trying not to worry, as there's nothing I can do about it. But glad I'll have an u/s next week. Also wondering about twins. Or more. Gulp.

The other things I noticed last week before I tested - my legs were really tired when I played hockey. I always imagined that when people said you would feel more tired when exercising that it was tired of the winded type. But my wind was fine, my legs just started screaming at me much sooner than I was used to. Then, after I played hockey, I actually felt cold in the shower where I always had felt hot before. I have read that when you're pregnant your body is better at getting rid of heat - which led to a fleeting thought that I might be.... I also had a dream that I was pregnant. In the dream, I figured it out because my nipp1es started cracking and bleeding and when I took my bra off it was lightly bloody all over, as if I'd scraped all the skin off. That's a new pregnancy symptom to me, but in my dream it made all the sense in the world. And I noticed it was a lot more slippery when I was inserting my pussaries (sorry for TMI).

Since we found out, M has been joking that I'm really pumping out the BTU's. He's really cold in bed when I get up in the morning, because his heat source has disappeared. And I'm starting to get the good old boob soreness. No nausea yet, although I'm finding that sweet things are not as appealing. Give me salt!

I played hockey again this morning. I have been told that it's okay to play through the first trimester, and I'm hoping that my body will let me know if I shouldn't be playing. I felt better this morning than I did last week, hopefully that's a good sign.

NBHHY!

Beta #2 = 823. Doubling time of 37 hours. Ultrasound in 7-10 days. Off to see Narnia!

Wow.

I still don't quite believe it. Just got my first beta results - 344! It's all feeling quite surreal. I wonder when I'm going to wake up.

Thank you so much for all your excitement for me!!!

Shock and awe.

Agonized for a while last night over whether to test or not. Decided that I was starting to imagine too many symptoms, so I should just do it, get my negative, and move on.

I was still a little nervous when I peed on the stick this morning. Turned it over and watched the color creep up. And then, to my complete shock, there were TWO lines. Unmistakeably.

I was actually down at my sister's house (my weekly jaunt to visit her and my niece) - when I came out of the bathroom with a big shit-eating grin on my face, she knew right away.

I wish I had waited to test when M was around! It just didn't occur to me that it truly would be positive. So I told him when I got home. I think he was just as shocked as me - given our four failed IUIs, we both thought that it was impossible.

But no, every time I go back and check the stick, there are still two lines there.

Yup. Still two lines.

Update - just heard back from the RE's office - beta's tomorrow and Monday. I'm a bit surprised, given that this was a natural cycle, but I'm not going to say no!

I caved.

I bought a 2-pack of HPTs today. I was seriously considering doing it on Tuesday, but made myself drive by the pharmacy. But today I was already in the store... so I couldn't help myself.

I can't decide if I want to use one in the morning (which will be 13dpo) or not.

My heart, which thinks there is a possibility that I might actually be pregnant (wierd crampy things going on down there from 7-9dpo) is saying YES, DO IT!!!

My head, on the other hand, is telling me to stay the fuck away from the evil sticks (no other "symptoms" whatsoever). At least wait until Monday.

I think it was a sorry day for the mental state of an infertile when HPTs, particularly those that let you test early, were invented.

I can't stand the suspense!

(Sidebar - I almost left my entire order at the checkout - first I was in line behind a woman who had two separate orders, and had to try about fifteen methods of payment for each. After the checker had to call a supervisor to help, I went to the self checkout line. There needs to be a minimum IQ requirement on those, I tell you. I was behind three people, all of whom did.not.get.it. I finally snagged an open register; a woman WITH ONE ITEM whom I had been behind took longer to scan that ONE ITEM than it took me to do my entire basket of ten. ARGH!!! Probably didn't help that I am in a state of extreme frustration this week - my boss, my MIL, inconsiderate hockey people...)

The key to getting pregnant.... NOT!

I'm posting this while travelling on a highway at... well let's just say highway speeds. M just got Verizon broadband access, which basically lets you access the internet on your laptop wherever you get a cell phone signal. How cool is that?

What's not so cool - we're on our way home from a Christmas party. I knew that there would be one "Oops" pregnant woman there. I was hoping that she wouldn't have come, but no such luck. But it didn't stop there. Oh no. Not just one pregnant woman. Not two. Not even three. Four of them!!!

And THREE of them were 'accidental'. Two of the couples weren't even engaged when they got pregnant.

I was actually doing okay with all that. Until one of them started telling me about how the key to getting pregnant is obviously not to be trying. She has a coworker who was trying for three years, broke her wrist so couldn't work and decided to stop trying for a little while, and whammo - she got pregnant. And since three of the four women there who were pregnant hadn't been trying, that must be it.

Now why the fuck didn't I think of that?

SNOW SCRAPER

A couple of Sundays ago, it snowed significantly for the first time. I had a cake to make for afternoon tea with family friends, a baby shower to attend, the afternoon tea, and a hockey game. Busy day! In the course of which, I forgot to put my snow scraper into my car. Fortunately I didn’t need it, but I joked with M how in classic Nico style, I had forgotten about it.

The next evening, we were out somewhere, and he asked me if I had remembered the snow scraper yet. I hadn’t. He was totally shocked, as he had left it propped up against the door to the garage, right in front of my nose. I guess I wasn’t expecting it to be there, so I just didn’t see it. He couldn’t believe I was so unobservant.

I got home later than him again the following day. Opened the door to the garage, went to turn on the light, and ran across a Post-It note with “SNOW SCRAPER” written on it. So I looked down, saw the scraper, and put it in my car.

As I walked up the stairs, there was another note “SNOW SCRAPER” on the hand rail, on the bottom step, on a step half way up, and on the door to the house. By the time I saw the last one, I was laughing hysterically. He really wanted to make sure that I didn’t forget!

I continued finding the notes for the rest of the night – on the light switch for the kitchen, on my bottle of milk, the Tupperware container with my cake in it, the remote control, the stairs to the second floor, the bathroom sink, the alarm clock, my sock drawer…

And that's why I love him :-)

I'm not broken!

I really think I did actually ovulate. Amazing! Two days of + OPKs, the third day was negative, and the next day my temperature skyrocketed (98.5!). Even if nothing comes of it (which is the outcome I'm expecting, although obviously not the one I'm hoping for), it's still so nice to have my hormones somewhat back on track.

I've spent the weekend mulling over what might have done it, and come up with three possibilities:

1. My system was "kick-started" by the gonadotropins.

2. Acupuncture (been going weekly)

3. Not stepping on a scale for three weeks (until this morning), and gaining an extra 4 pounds:-p

And then there's always the theory propounded by someone whom I excitedly told about my ovaries' achievements:

4. Not so "tense".

hahahahhaha. I love that one. It boggles my mind. It is so completely illogical - why on earth would I have been "tense" when I first went off the pill? I had no reason to suspect there would be a problem. WHY do so many people think that all you have to do is "relax" to get pregnant??? I don't know many people (if any) who are not happy and excited and imagine they'll get pregnant in the first few months, when they first start trying. So why is it that after a year, two years, three..., all of a sudden relaxing is suppose to help?

Mary has been Hailed! ....Maybe.

*update* test line still way darker than control line this morning, temp lower again (yesterday was 97.8, this morning 97.3), so I think that confusion is gone at least. As Molly said, humping like monkeys ;-) Thanks for all your reassurance! *end update*

Quick post, must run to the dentist for a filling ;-(

Peed on the OPK this morning - the test line was WAY darker than the control line. Holy crap!

My temperature was also way up.

Does that mean that I ovulated and we fricking missed it? I had only been peeing on the sticks every other day to conserve them, because honestly I really didn't think it would happen.

Does the LH go back down again after you've actually ovulated, or does it stay up? This is completely new to me!!!

We had a quickie this morning before I went to play hockey. Will try again tonight...

(BTW, today is CD40!)

Hurdles, jumped.

Went to IVF class today. It was boring and pointless. They didn't show us how to do the IM shots, they have an online tutorial for that. It was to go over the various medications, what to expect from retrieval and transfer, blah, blah, blah. Did not learn one thing that I hadn't already learned from reading the blogs of you wonderful ladies who have gone before me. So that was a waste of time.

Then, off to the social worker. She wanted to make sure we'd thought about how many embryos to put back... would we be willing to do selective reduction... what would we do if IVF didn't work... how we have different coping strategies... what would we do with any left over embryos... I felt a bit like when we had to go to pre-Cana before getting married. Definitely all stuff that one should talk about before IVF / marriage... but we're good at the communication part. Didn't need her help with that. Haven't had a fight yet in 6.5 years of marriage / 8 years together.

But no matter. It's done. All of it. So now we just have to wait for insurance approval, then we can get started! Unfortunately I think it's going to be longer than I was expecting, unless I get my new insurance info before the new year - apparently it takes two weeks to get the insurance approval, then the doctors meet to decide your treatment plan, THEN you can get started. With the bcp. I'm *hoping* that if I'm already on the pill I can just start with the Lupron once they have the plan, but not holding my breath.

I had thought we'd do retrieval / transfer mid January. Now it looks like it won't be until some time in February. More waiting. Sigh.

Over the shoulder boulder holders...

Baby shower table conversation:

"While I run my bath, I often clean the bathroom. In the nude - you know, I'm waiting to hop in the tub. So I'll clean the sink, or the mirror... This one time, I was cleaning the floor, so I had my scale up on the toilet. I looked at my boobs, looked at the scale, looked at my boobs again, and thought, let's see just how much these suckers weigh. So I did. One of them was eight pounds, the other was nine!!! No wonder my shoulders hurt! I could have a breast reduction and lose fifteen pounds!"

I almost died laughing. The key to baby shower survival.

ramblings and runarounds

Haven't been updating much, because not much is going on. Haven't been commenting much on your blogs because I've actually been pretty swamped at work. Trying to get a bunch of reports finished before the end of the year so I can get a nice bonus / raise for having accomplished everything I said I would do. In a way it's nice because it keeps my mind off the waiting etc. I am still reading and thinking of y'all though!

In cycle related news, I actually had my first natural ewcm yesterday. So we took advantage. It was kinda fun - our first opportunity to actually try the way most people do. Sort of. Of course my OPK sticks still barely show a second line, but I enjoyed the pretense.

I've also gone back to my ice hockey team. I had decided when the season started that I wasn't going to play this year - I had gotten so incredibly frustrated with the coach over the past couple of years. But I had been hearing that he was doing things a bit differently this year, and I missed my teammates. So I started practicing with them again on Saturday. It was a really good practice - he actually did drills that I felt were helpful to ME, which is one of the things I felt was lacking last year. Fun! Of course, since I wasn't playing with them I joined another team that plays games Sunday nights, with practices every other Wednesday, and I've also been playing Tues/Thurs mornings before work, so now I'm probably skating a bit too much. I'll have skated every day from last Sat until this coming Thurs, then again Sat and Sun. But since I've decided that it's really not the exercise that is causing my hypothalamic amenorrhea, I decided to screw cutting back, until my IVF starts I'm going to be an ice hockey whore! I think doing something I enjoy in my spare time is really the best way to make it fly by.

I've been trying to get reimbursed for the drugs from my last 2.5 cycles that I paid for myself. What a nightmare of bureacracy! My first couple of orders were submitted to my insurance, but then the pharmacy people told me that my insurance only covered mail order pharmacies, of which they weren't one, so I'd have to pay for it myself. So I did, for $2300 worth of meds. Come to find out after I'd paid for all that, looking at my insurance website, that they DID in fact cover the meds. So then begins the runaround. I call the pharmacy. They tell me to call the insurance. I call the insurance. They tell me to call the prescription plan people. Who tell me to call the insurance because they didn't cover it, it was covered as a medical something or other. So I call the insurance, who tell me that the pharmacy has to reimburse me, then submit the claim to insurance again. The pharmacy tells me they'll look into it. Then they tell me they can't do it. Then they tell me they can't do it because the federal government would see it as them double billling me and they would get in trouble??? Then I get a supervisor who tells me that in fact they have two *separate* pharmacies, one for insurance pay and one for self pay, and ne'er the twain shall meet. I have to call the insurance and get a claim form and submit directly to them. Fine. I call insurance *again*. The guy I talk to thinks I'm telling him that they need to get the check that they wrote to the pharmacy refunded. Dimwit. I finally get him to understand what I'm looking to do, and he finally points me to the correct claim form.

Whew!

Now we just have to see what happens when I submit it. I'm not terribly hopeful that it will go through without another multitude of hours on the phone. What a pain in the ass!

Are we part of the problem?

A friend of mine asked me the following question the other day:

While you are waiting for time to pass, I thought I'd bring up one more sensitive issue. Can you comment on this?http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2005/11/16/gree.DTLYou see, it's not a topic I've seen covered much on infertility blogs. I've seen one or two blogs where the author said she thought overpopulation would cause humans to go extinct but she still wanted her baby. It didn't make sense to me. I can understand if people don't agree with the basic premise and think the planet is doing OK, but not those who agree and basically just want what everyone else has.I have to say, if infertility gave me one thing, it is an understanding of how we as a species got ourselves into this mess of overpopulation. I know first hand how strong the urge to reproduce is. It is primal.

My response:

My take on it is that while I do think that we need to work on ways to use less of the world's resources, I totally don't buy the idea that we do not belong here. Yes, the world would be different without humans, but why the automatic assumption that it would be better? Why do the other species in the world have more right to it than we do? I guess you could argue because other species aren't the cause of mass extiction, but I think extinction is a natural process. Plenty of examples of species that went extinct before humans were around. And before we had all this technology at our disposal. Nature is a very fluid thing, and highly adaptable. And if we do cause a global apocalypse, whether through overcrowding or through being stupid and blowing ourselves up, I firmly believe that something else will rise from those ashes. Different, probably. But not any better or worse. And it may take millions of years to undo whatever mess we make. But that time certainly exists. How long did it take for the planet to come back after the dinosaurs were wiped out? A long long time!

What makes my existence palatable and meaningful is the relationships I have with other people. I have no illusions about leaving a legacy, making my mark on the world, blah blah blah. I want to squeeze the most happiness out of the time that I am around to enjoy it. That definitely involves having children and grandchildren (whether my own or adopted). And I'd rather have my own if I can. I like my genes, and my husband's. Selfish? Undoubtedly. But who else am I supposed to be thinking of?

I guess in a way I'm a fatalist. If overcrowding is going to cause the end of the human species, so be it. That's the way nature has always worked. I don't see the reason to deny myself something that will make me happy for the good of the species. I'm not a species, I'm an individual. I don't believe in any kind of life after death. So once I'm gone, I'm gone. No reason for me to care about what happens beyond that.

(I'll post her response back to me in the comments so this doesn't get too long.) What do you think? Have you thought about this at all while going through treatments?

I'm at a loss...

It just gets better and better. Not only do we have to see a social worker before doing IVF at our clinic, we have to pay $200 for the privilege! That is so completely fucked up. I do not want to see a social worker, I do not need to see a social worker, I'm anticipating that it will be a complete waste of time, and now I have to pay for it????

Honestly, it's (among other things...) making me seriously consider changing clinics. What's holding me back is my impression that it will add even further to the amount of time we have to wait, because I've heard that they will want to redo all the testing. Have you switched clinics? Is it true that they will want their own CD3 blood tests etc. etc.?

Triple fast-forward

I wish life were like Tivo. You could triple fast forward through the boring parts. I'm not looking forward to the holidays. I'm not looking foward to anything except getting through the next two months as quickly as possible. If only I could hibernate! Instead, I'm plodding through each day just waiting for it to end so that I can get to the next one. And the one after that. Even though I do enjoy some of the things I do (like visiting a friend down in DC the past couple of days), the fact that I have to wait wait wait is always in the back of my mind.

About.

Found this at Nicole's, after checking out her ring. Thought it was fun! No tag, but if you'd like to join in, please do!

Accent: Generic American (northeast? But definitely not boston), with a little something odd thrown in – every now and again, someone picks up on the South African in me
Bra size: Well, I used to be a B, until I went to Gap Body and found out I’m a miserly A. Ha!
Chore I hate: Laundry. So M does it for me!
Dad's name: Anthony, but pronounced Antony. What we’ll name a son if we have one.
Essential make-up: NONE! I don’t buy into the ‘you must wear make-up to be beautiful’ mantra.
Favorite perfume: Don’t wear any. But I love Obsession and Drakar on a guy. (That kinda dates me, doesn’t it!)
Gold or Silver: Gold. Silver just doesn’t look right on me.
Hometown: Born in Pretoria, South Africa. Formative years in a chi-chi town west of Boston. ;-p
Interesting fact: I have hiccupped every day for the past sixteen years. Not kidding. Only one-three hiccups at a time, a few times a day.
Job title: Scientist I. How boring!
Kids: None :-( But I have names! Antony George, for a boy, or Tabitha Rose for a girl.
Living arrangements: Nice little three bedroom garrison colonial. We were lucky enough to find new construction in our price range! (Okay, a little outside, but we manage).
Mom's Birthplace: South Africa.
Number of apples eaten in last week: None. Number of apples eaten in entire life? About 0.5. I can’t stand fruits. Any of them. And I don’t eat many vegetables either!
Overnight hospital stays: 1 – after a car accident. I skidded into oncoming traffic in my three-month-old Miata. Totalled my car and one other, $5K damage to a third. Hospitalized for three days (which I don’t remember at all) with a major concussion, stitches next to my eye from the window, and a broken collar bone. If it weren’t for my seat belt and air bag, I wouldn’t be here.
Phobia: Nothing major. Although flying insects make me squeamish. And eating disgusting things, aka Fe@r F@ctor
Question you ask yourself a lot: Do they know that I have them all fooled?
Religious affiliation: None. Agnostic. I believe in a higher power, but not as circumscribed by official religions.
Siblings: One younger sister. Of whom I am deathly jealous at the moment.
Time I wake up: Varies – 5:20 on mornings when I have hockey, 6:00 if I’m going to the gym, or a leisurely 7:30 just to go to work. And around 10 on the weekends.
Unnatural hair color: Mostly blonde.
Vegetable I refuse to eat: There are a lot of veggies I don’t like. Lettuce probably one of the worse ones. I absolutely WILL NOT eat a banana though. Grosss. Epitomizes everything I don’t like about fruits and veggies!
Worst habit: Staying up WAY too late at night.
X-rays: Not too many. Leg, when my dad broke it when I was three (inadvertently! And I got a cool new pair of shoes out of it). Collar bone from aforementioned accident. I assume. HSG – does that count? Various teeth. Oh, and I had my lungs x-rayed once to check for TB ‘cause I get a positive on the stupid skin test every time.
Yummy food I make: Mmmmm…. Cake…..
Zodiac sign: Aquarius

I get to POAS!

My pre-IVF consult last week was somewhat frustrating, as you might have gathered from my top ten list. I did actually end up getting most of my questions answered, but getting a word in edgewise with Dr. Conveyor was tricky!

I learned that I will be taking Lupron because despite my body's apparent inability to make my own FSH/LH etc., they have seen cases where women with hypothalamic amenorrhea do start making them during treatment, thus interfering with what they're trying to do. So it's really a case of 'better safe than sorry'.

Because our sperm quality is borderline, they will determine whether to do ICSI or not on the day of fertilization. They'll look at the numbers and morphology in that sample, and decide based on that. I didn't realize that they could / would look at the morphology on the day, as they didn't for the IUI's. So that's nice to know.

I don't have many additional things to do before getting started - they told me I'd need an AF (antral follicle) scan on day 3, plus Dr. Conveyor wanted to get updated numbers for a lot of my hormones, so blood draw for that. No HSC because my uterus looked normal on the HSG I had earlier in the year (I'm not entirely clear on the difference between the two procedures, except that it sounds like the HSC doesn't involve radiation 'cause they would do it right at their office). Mock transfer and PAP scheduled for Tuesday afternoon. And then we have the IVF class and meeting with the social worker. That will be interesting. I'll have to convince M not to be a pain in the ass. 'Cause under most circumstances on a visit with a social-worker like person he totally would be.

Other things I learned - they prefer to do day 5 transfers, so will wait for that depending on embryo number / quality (although I did not find out what criteria they use to determine). If there are signs of OHSS they will freeze the embryos and do a transfer the following cycle, as OHSS without pregnancy resolves fairly quickly on its own. I do still need to ask what happens if you only have one embryo that makes it to day 5. I'd be so afraid that it wouldn't make it through the freeze / thaw - I'd almost rather get OHSS. What do you think?

And, of course, they use PIO rather than suppositories. In their experience it works better. I guess I can't argue with that, much as I want to. I know that plenty of you have used PIO and it's not that bad, but I'm going to have to do it myself at least half the time as M travels for work. And it is going to take a lot of mental courage screwing to do that.

You've probably been reading through this going "get to the POAS bit, damn you!". I love a little suspense every now and again!

I get to POAS (an ovulation predictor)because I don't, after all, have to be on the pill right away. The nurse had told me that they didn't want to do my AF scan now because it might be affected by having been on injectables last cycle. Of course that wasn't the impression I got from Conveyor, and that's part of the reason I was hating on the nurse in my last post. When I called earlier this week to confirm which it was, she told me that in fact I don't need any AF scan at all - their policies have just changed and if you already have one from an earlier cycle, they can use that. So I don't have to take bcp until December.

And that makes me feel better. So much better. Because although the chances of my actually ovulating on my own are slim to none, slim IS in town. And having that miniscule chance means that I can do something (i.e. use the fertility monitor a friend gave me at the beginning of the year). And whether it is futile or not, I far prefer doing something to just sitting on my hands for the next two months. When I go on the bcp in December it will be in preparation for IVF, which is doing something. This month I would just be passing time. And that sucked.

Top ten things I HATE

1. I hate the Crimson Bitch, Aunt Flo, Maroon 5... by any name.
2. I hate that none of my "friends" who know what's going on with me ever call to ask how I'm doing.
3. I hate that my sister had an easy time getting pregnant, an easy pregnancy, an easy delivery - I feel like that means ALL of it is going to suck for me.
4. I hate that I feel that way.
5. I hate that I'm always the one to call my friends to get together, they never call ME.
6. I hate stupid nurses who don't understand my situation and tell me that if I wanted to do another IUI I wouldn't be able to do IVF until March. Idiot.
7. I hate doctors with a set spiel who leave no space between their sentences for me to ask qusetions.
8. I hate that we have to see a social worker before we can do IVF, because M hates it.
9. I hate that despite all the support I get from you guys, I still feel so lonely
10. Did I say that I hate the Crimson Bitch?

Second annual infertile ring show

I met Mark at work. At the weekly company beer hour, in fact. I knew his name because he was the payroll administrator, he knew mine, for the same reason. The first time we were introduced we had a marvellous conversation, ignoring everyone else for the two hours for which beer hour ran.

A few days later I made up a bogus payroll question - an excuse to go to his cube and see if he was at all interested. Big, fat, NO. I didn't come out and ask, but you can just tell. He was all business.

But I had my eye on him anyway. I would talk to him whenever I saw him at beer hour, and would forward him joke emails (this was back in the earlier days of the internet, before those got annoying).

Almost a year after we first met, we were at another beer hour, and again spent the entire time wrapped up in our conversation. Towards the end of the event, he was going to leave with a couple of friends to go to a dive bar (one of his femle coworkers was doing a project for which she had to observe 'deviants', and Mark didn't want her going alone.) He asked, offhand, if I'd like to join them, and I said I'd love to!

Marble head, meet light! He finally realized that perhaps my interest was a little more than platonic. And that was how we started dating.

About a year and a half later, he proposed to me when we were on a trip to Disney World. He took me to the top of the Contemporary Hotel, where there used to be a restuarant called "The Top of the World". He said something like "I've been on top of the world since I met you. Will you marry me so I can stay here?". We always joke that I never said "Yes" - my response was "Of course I will!!!".

We were married in June of '99. We had our wedding rings made out of a Kruger Rand (South African gold coin) that my grandfather had left to me when he passed away a few years before.

My favorite memory from the ceremony was the part where I was supposed to repeat "I take you, Mark, to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold..." I got to the "husband" part, and burst out in giggles. The idea of me with a husband! Too much. It took me about five minutes to get it together so we could continue.

He forgave me for that, and we've had an amazing six+ years together since then. Hoping for many, many more!

Check out Jamie @ Losing the Baby Wait for other participants in the ring show!

Shoes and Stuff...

Thalia and Anita asked about shoes to go with my fabulous dress. I must confess, I'm a bit of a shoe pauper. I'm really terribly frugal (some might call me cheap), and have a very hard time buying things I don't *need*. And shoes generally fall in that category. (Although I did manage to get over that frugal feeling to buy a convertible. ha.) So I have a pair of black shoes with some 'diamonds' on them that I'll probably wear. I'll post a pic of those soon, since I know you're all dying to see them.

Pixi and Thalia also asked about my 2ww. I tested this morning, because I have my pre-IVF appointment with Dr. Conveyor tomorrow afternoon and I was thinking about maybe cancelling if, well..., you know. So I tested. Yet again, a large white expanse where that elusive second line should be. I know it's early (12/13 dpi), so I'm not totally throwing in the towel just yet, but it looks like we're probably on to IVF.

I'm somehow much more okay with failure this time than the previous IUIs - I think because I feel like we did give it our absolute best shot, so I have no regrets. It didn't work, but it's not the end of the world.

So now I'm trying to think of all the questions I want to ask Dr. C. tomorrow. I definitely want to know what protocol we'll be using - will I be taking Lupron or something equivalent? There isn't much need to 'supress' me since I have no FSH, LH or e2 of my own. Right? I want to know if we will be using ICSI, given our 4% morphology and low counts. Should I insist on ICSI? Is there anything else I should ask about? If you've already been through, or are in the midst of IVF now, anything you wish you'd asked / known? I remember at one point seeing a post where someone wrote about what she wished she had known before hopping on the IVF bandwagon, but now I can't find it. If you know the post of which I speak, could you point me to it?

Boasting

Enough with the whining. Now I'm going to boast instead.

I started watching L0st over the summer when it was in reruns and totally got hooked. In one episode, where you see Sun and J1n before they get married, she was wearing a totally stunning dress. I'm a sucker for dressed with low backs, especially when they have cool straps, and this totally fit the bill. I'm going to a very good friend's wedding in about a month, and thought how cool it would be if I could have a dress like that. So I decided to make it.

(This is not entirely out of the blue, my mom taught us to sew growing up, and I made my own wedding dress because I didn't like the styles at the time).

Anyway, I found a somewhat similar pattern in the fabric store and a fantastic shiny emerald green fabric. After making the top of the dress out of throw-away fabric a few times, this is what I ended up with. The back looks just like the dress on L0st, I'm so happy with how it turned out!

Please ignore the goofy look on my face! I don't know what I was thinking.

Also, ignore my lack of Mollywogger-like cleavage. You can only do so much with what I got :-p



My "L0st" dress - front


My "L0st" dress - back

I'm an Aunt!

My sister had a beautiful baby girl, Samantha, at 11:18pm last night.

When I found out, I totally lost it.

Mom and I had gone down to the hospital at around 6 in the evening. Sis was having contractions about 2-3 minutes apart, in some pain, but overall not doing too badly. They had started at around 7am and progressed steadily since then. Her DH left for a while when we arrived to get something to eat, and to make calls to various other family members, so Mom and I sat and watched the contraction monitor and baby's heart-rate monitor with rapt attention. So cool! Oh, and we held sis's hand and gave her back rubs and the like as well. When DH returned, it was our turn to go and have a bite.

We got back up to the room at 7:30, and they had just given her the epidural. A CSC epidural which acts almost immediately - no 20 minute wait for this doctor! Worked like a charm for a few minutes, but then she started feeling uncomfortable (as if she had to poop) and getting pains in her back side. The doctor had also examined her just before we came back, and said she was only 2-3 cm dilated (what she had been at her 5:30 exam). The nurses said that based on how dilated she was, and how little she was progressing, she wouldn't be giving birth until the morning. So we hung around until about 10, then she started napping, and we figured we'd go back to her house and nap too.

So we went 'home', had a cuppa tea, and headed to bed. Almost 11 by this time. An hour later the phone rang, and DH said "Nico, you're an Aunt!" (As opposed to an uncle which I would have been were it a boy ;-). So we headed back to the hospital. Me crying almost the entire way.

I was happy. No doubt about it. But at the same time, I felt SO left out. I was left out of the whole pregnancy, which we were supposed to do together, and now I wasn't there when she had the baby, which was the only part I could really participate in. Couldn't stop crying. We got to the hospital and went back upstairs, I was managing to hold myself together, but barely. When we saw sis and Sami, I totally lost it. So Mom took care of Sami while sis took care of me. Not the other way round.

Apparently the doctor *finally* came in to check her at 11pm, and said "whoa, you're at 10 cm! Push!" So there was no time for DH to call us. The baby was out fifteen minutes later! So apparently the pains she had been feeling were because the baby was coming down so fast, not, as one nurse had suggested, because the baby was on her back.

Sis was totally apologetic, which I told her was ridiculous. NOT her fault. It was the stupid doctor who didn't bother to check on her for over three hours. I'm so very sad that I missed out on seeing Sam take her first breath, and first cry. Like I said, it was something that I had been thinking I would be part of, and then that was taken away from me as well.

I had called M to tell him that we're Aunts just before we went upstairs, and couldn't really do it without the 'I'm about to cry' voice. You know what I mean. So he asked what was wrong and I said I would tell him later. When we got back to the house a few hours later I called him to talk. SO not helpful. You all know what I needed - I needed him to tell me that he understood, that it sucked, that it wasn't fair, and to comfort me. Instead he tried to explain to me how I was silly to feel the way I did. Thank you so very very much. Way to make me feel better! Nico, you're really being a bitch for feeling the way you do, can't you just be happy? Argh!

And like I said, it's not at all that I'm not happy. I am. Spent a few hours cuddling with Sami while sis slept this morning, she's a treasure. But it doesn't make me feel any less cheated. Of any of it.

Dumba$$

Went down to visit my sister for tea yesterday afternoon. Before I went, I whipped up a batch of gougere au fromage - aka cheese puffs. I've been craving them recently, this was a good excuse to make them. I spooned them out onto a non-stick parchment like sheet that I use when baking, for easy cleanup, then put them onto a cookie sheet. So that they wouldn't slide around and make a mess while I was driving, I then grabbed the rubber mat I put underneath cakes in my Tupperware cake carrier, and put that under the non-stick sheet.

The drive down was fine, no slippage. When we arrived inside, I had her preheat the oven, and said to myself, "self, don't forget to take out the rubber mat before you put these in the oven". Well, of course, I wasn't the one to put them in the oven, so I completely forgot. After the cheese puffs were cooked, I went over to put them onto a cooling rack... and noticed the now thoroughly melted rubber mat, which I had forgotten to remove. ARGH!

Fortunately the cookie sheet had a non-stick coating as well, so the mat pulled off it reasonably easily. But really. What kind of idiot does something like that? Is it just me? (I'm looking for your anecdotes here to make me feel better :-)

Then, I forgot to use my progesterone pussary last night. I put it in this morning when I woke up (and I did get an extra half hour nap out of it, since everyone recommends lying down for a little while after insertion). I'm just hoping that I didn't majorly fuck myself. I know that most likely it won't make any difference, but can't help being just a little nervous nonetheless.

Ooooh, I just heard from my sister - she's having contractions, 5 minutes apart. Pretty soon I'll find out whether I'm an Aunt or an Uncle!

Windfall!

Insurance is a pain in the tuckus (or however you spell that).

When we first were told, in January, that we would need IF treatment, the financial coordinator at the clinic called my current (henceforth known as primary) insurance (from M's company, based in CA), and said that they would cover only testing and diagnosis, not IF treatment. She then told us how much the various components of an IUI cycle would cost - about $1K for the drugs, ~$333 for the ultrasounds, and $461 for the IUI itself.

Since we live in the great state of MA, where infertility coverage is mandated (if you have in-state insurance), I looked around to get a supplemental policy, and found one for $300 a month. It would cover 80% of the treatment costs, not including the drugs. With that in place, each cycle would end up costing us only about 50% of the quoted price (FC suggested it would probably be around $2500/cycle, ended up being closer to $4K), so I thought it was a good plan.

After that was all squared away, I called and ordered the medications, and put the first lot through the insurance - figured you never know, they might cover it, right? A few days later, heard back from the pharmacy that the coverage was denied. So rather than be a pain for the pharmacy, I paid for the drugs for the rest of my cycles myself.

Then we started getting the explanation of benefits (EOB) from the supplemental insurance, I was really glad I'd done it - the coordinator neglected to tell me about the costs for the blood tests, which actually were higher than the ultrasound cost (which totally surprised me - $364 for an e2 test?). So all in all, this extra insurance ended up cutting my cost per cycle by just about 50%, what I had estimated.

Then yesterday I got an EOB from my primary insurance. You could have bowled me over with a feather - they listed about eight of the e2 blood tests, and covered everything that the supplemental insurance hadn't covered, i.e. the 20% I had thought I would have to pay. Score!

After that, I went and looked at their website, where you can see claims, and if they've been processed, how much they've paid out.

Well. Turns out that they covered all of the 20% that the supplemental insurance didn't cover.

AND.

Are you ready for this?

They also PAID FOR THE DRUGS!!!!

For the first cycle, that was submitted to them (I have no idea why the pharmacy told me it was denied). HUGE score. So now I'm going to submit the receipts for the drugs for the other cycles, and hopefully get reimbursed for those as well. Woo-hoo!

But, had I not had the supplementary insurance, my primary insurance would apparently have covered all the blood tests and ultrasounds - the only thing they wouldn't cover is the actual insemination. So I'm super pissed at the financial coordinator from my clinic now. If she'd actually done her job, and asked about the individual components of my primary insurance coverage, they should have told her that the bloodwork and scans would be covered. So we actually ended up spending more money on the supplementary insurance than we would have if I hadn't gone to the trouble of getting it. You can bet I'm going to make a stinky about it.

But I can't be that pissed, because we just got a $7K windfall!!!

Hopeful, peaceful, resigned.

It's done. The castle was stormed, Ovidrel was injected (at a traffic light on my way to the gym), 3.3 and 9.8 million sperm were lovingly placed in my receptive uterus. ;-p

I'm happy. I feel like we really have given this route our best shot. Now we wait and see. And if this doesn't work, IVF in January. It's not so far away.

We have a plan!

And I'm actually happy with it. Who woulda thunk?

I'm to take the Ovidrel shot tomorrow morning at 7am, then we'll do two IUIs, Friday morning (24 hours post Ovidrel) and Saturday (48 hours post).

So by then my two 14's (or 14 and 12) should be at 16-18mm, and my lining has had a little longer to plump up. Somehow the extra 12 hours before triggering makes me feel so much better.

Now, my question is whether to storm the castle tonight? They say the man needs to 'prepare himself' 2-3 days beforehand for the best sample. We were thinking the IUI would be tomorrow morning, so the monkey was duly spanked on Monday night (M was away, so I couldn't help). But now that's 3.5 days before. I think it's better to go shorter (storm the castle tonight, so 1.5 days before) rather than have an older sample. What do you think?

Advice needed!

u/s this morning showed lining at 6.5mm, follicles at 14, 12, 10, 9 plus a bunch of little ones. e2 of 247. They told me to do the same Repronex shot tonight (1.5 vials), and Ovidrel tomorrow night.

This is almost certainly our last IUI before going to IVF (M is away for the critical week in November).

My previous cycles my biggest follicle was at 16, 15 and 15 mm when I was told to do one more shot then the Ovidrel. So with my biggest one only at 14 this time, I feel like I'll only get one mature egg - and given that previous cycles have not worked with more than that, I don't think this is optimizing our chances. Especially with my lining only at 6.5.

I did call the nurse back and ask about waiting one more day (and had to struggle not to bawl right then and there on the phone), but haven't heard back yet. Am I being stupid? Should I push for another day, or just go with what they're telling me and chill out?

Updated: Just spoke with the nurse again. She says I have two 14mm follicles and two 10's. So the 14's should be "good to go tomorrow". So why was it that this morning Dr. Handsome (yes, him again) said a 14 and a 12? ARGH! I suppose maybe they looked at the films again and remeasured?

I guess all I can do is chill. And hope. With maybe a prayer or two thrown in there for good measure.

moving forward?

e2 on Saturday of 105. Positive sign?

The ultrasound was a complete waste of time. Dr Handsome did it - I was so happy with our interaction with him when he did our IUI a few months ago, but this time really sucked. First of all, he didn't really bother to measure the size of my follicles, just kinda guesstimated. Then he started going on to me about how I shouldn't worry, they were just trying to get me going slowly... you know, giving me a low dose of meds like sprinkling salt... - at that point he totally lost me. I don't know what he was trying to get at with the salt metaphor, and I don't remember exactly what he said - apparently I was already so angry that I've blanked it out. I hate being treated like an idiot. Never mind that I'm on my FOURTH cycle, and probably have some clue what's going on, even without my PhD. And, I WASN'T worried.

And then on his way out, he said to M, "Nice to meet you. I don't think we've met before". For the record, he's met M at least twice now. You'd think at least he'd say something that could be taken either way, like "Nice to see you", instead of blatantly admitting that he has the memory of a slug.

Anyway, I'm sticking with the 1.5 vials of Repronex for the moment, and another u/s on Tuesday morning. I've definitely come to like and trust the two female doctors and the male resident much better than the two male docs in the practice. Assholes.

I *really* should know better

You would think, given that I had pretty much the exact same reaction as I did on Monday to my first u/s from my second cycle, where I ended up taking injections for NINETEEN days, that I would have been a little more suspicious with Monday's results. But no, I was already planning for a 13mm and a couple of 11's today, and IUI over the weekend. Ha. Hahahahaha. Oooohhh, I kill myself!

Lining today: 3mm. A bunch of follicles between 5 and 8 mm. I.E. my optimism from Monday was completely foolish.

Not that I don't think I'll respond eventually. I'm pretty sure I will. It's just yet another step in this whole process that's not going as I had hoped. Yesterday I was thinking that I was going to have SO much medication left over after this, and what I would do with it... Silly. Just silly.

Updated 3pm: e2 level from this morning? 23. So much for the 69 on Monday being a good sign!

IUI #4, here we come...

Started my injections last Thursday. Expecting the usual (i.e. nothing) on my CD7 scan this morning. Pleasantly surprised to see my lining already at 4mm (normal for me on CD7 is 2mm), and three obvious follicles at 9,7 and 7. And the kicker? My e2 at 69 already! This is by far the best I've responded to the injections to date. Take that, hypothalamic amenorrhea. IN YOUR FACE.

And on top of that, it was MY doc, Conveyor, who did my u/s this morning. So I took the opportunity to ask if we could do two IUIs, since this is very probably our last shot before IVFland, to give us the best chance. I was totally prepared to have to argue, given that Dr. Business had been so brusque about saying no to that idea in my last cycle. She said 'absolutely'. No argument whatsoever. I was totally taken aback. And Hopeful...

Of course, all this Hope makes it that much worse if it doesn't work. But maybe, just maybe, it will.

East / West differences

Some things I've noticed out here in the pacific northwest that have made me smile / comment:

1. Fines in Seattle: $101 for blocking an intersection or not wearing a seatbelt. Not $100, but $101 - what's up with that?

2. Fines in Seattle: $46 for jaywalking. And apparently it is enforced, because *no-one* walks against the light. For a Bostonian, that is just bizarre!

3. People out here drive like snails. If the speed limit is 60, most people are actually doing less than that. Again, for an east coaster used to doing 80 no matter what the limit is (at least on the highways), totally weird. And we did get a speeding ticket ;-)

4. Sign on a Vancouver bus: "Out of service - sorry!". Sorry? That boggled my mind!

5. On my initial look at Vancouver it seemed like a really old city to me. Then I realized it's because all the tall buildings (office and residential) have frames on every window pane. Makes the buildings look really different from the more smooth glass / no frames I'm used to from the east.

6. Best reason for going to Canada - tomato sauce (ketchup) potato chips, Aero bars, Smarties and Cadbury's mint crisp. All junk food I grew up with in South Africa, can't get in the states. YUM!

7. It's not nearly as green out here as I expected. Especially on our drive south of Portland to my aunt and uncle's house, everything just looked parched. And I understand now why New England is known for the fall colors - the trees have changed colors here, but there's hardly any red (maples and oaks), which is what really makes it stunning. I always wondered why the trees didn't change color in the fall in other parts of the country ;-)

A-OK

Cysts are all gone. Around 20 antral follicles. So I'm cleared to start injections next week.

It was kind of funny - after she saw me, the doc spent about 5 minutes figuring out when I should stop the pill, when I should start the injections - and came up with exactly the same plan as I had. There's nothing to it ;-)

I'm looking forward to getting to try again. And to my VACATION!

Togged-n-stuff...

I like blog tags. Fun. Sassy togged me with a neat assignment:

THE RULES:
1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five people to do the same.

My 23rd post was "good news (no, not *that* good)", and the fifth sentence was "The doc offered to do an ultrasound to check out how my ovaries were doing - I actually have a follicle at 14mm!!! ". Kinda boring. Oh well. I was discussing finding that I had managed to make a follicle all on my own, after going on vacation and meeting the crimson bitch for the first time since going off bcp. Turned out the follicle wasn't growing at all, so here we are with OI.

It couldn't have been something fun like the 3rd sentence from my 20th post, which was "I just spent the afternoon sunbathing on the balcony of our hotel room (yes, topless - very liberating!), sipping champagne and admiring our gorgeous view." Now that's a sentence worth repeating!

I'm gonna tag Molly, Elle, Em (yes, Em, Sassy and I are tag-teaming you), Megan, and Susan. Nothing bad will happen if you don't want to do it (I hate those chain mails that say 'if you don't do this the rest of your life will be ruined. Ruined, I tell you'). And if you haven't been tagged and want to play anyway, do join in!

In other news (thanks for asking, E&S), after playing lots of voice mail tag with the nurse, I have my u/s to check for cysts scheduled for Friday, according to my genius plan. I'm a little nervous about it because I have been feeling twinges around where I imagine my ovaries to be, but I'm telling myself that's the little buggers popping. Fingers crossed.

Help!

Elle could really use some advice, and all the good blog loving we can muster for her. Please send positive thoughts and comments her way.

Updated 9/19: Crisis averted. Yay!

I'm a genius!

Per Dr. Conveyor's orders, I'm on bcp for three weeks. The day after that ends, we head to the northwest for my cousin's wedding followed by a week checking out Portland, Vancouver and Seattle. (Any suggestions for cool things to do there welcomed!). I had mentioned this little trip to Conveyor, and she said for me just to take the bcp for an extra week, then come in afterwards to check for cysts to see if we can start the next cycle.

So I had been trying to figure out what day to stop taking the bcp so that I would be on CD3 the day after we got back. Then wondering if stopping the bcp while away would jinx me and I'd still be stuck with the little cyst bugger. Dilemma, dilemma.

Then I had an epiphany. Go in for the cyst check before I leave, if no cysts, I would know that I was okay to stop the pill and have CD3 the day I got back. Then another whack over the head with the clever stick - there's no reason I can't start the injections while I'm away - I just have to be back for CD7 when they do the first u/s.

will check with the clinic tomorrow, but I could be starting my next cycle a week earlier than I was expecting. Woo-hoo! (I know, I know, it's only a week, but I'd like to have the IUI done by the time my sis delivers - due on 10/18).

Self medication

I spent the evening in the company of my eight month pregnant on her first try sister, the two year old daughter of a friend who apparently had no idea how babies are made because she sure wasn't trying to get pregnant, celebrating the one year birthday of the daughter of another friend who got pregnant within a month of her wedding.

Then I came home and drowned myself in cake, chocolate, and Barren Mare's archives.

I am so glad I found y'all. I don't know what I would do without you.

Togged again...

A while back, I was blog tagged by Molly to write about what I'd be if I weren't myself. Fun assignment! I dutifully togged a couple of other folks, including Ova Girl. Ova Girl wrote a delightful response, and in the process, tagged me back. I have been completely and utterly remiss in answering, although I never forgot about it. Now that I'm just wasting away on bcp (actually, doing whatever the opposite of wasting is), and have nothing relevant to say, I figured I'd finally complete my assignment, which was to answer some questions about books:

1) Total number of books I’ve owned:

That’s a tough question. At the moment, I probably have around 100 in my house, coz it’s little and we don’t have that much space for bookshelves. Plus we’re eventually going to move into a bigger house, and books are heavy! Over my lifetime, I’d probably say around 500? I was such a nerd as a kid I actually used to spend my allowance to buy books, as well as taking them out of the library. As a youngster my favorite books were all the British series about kids at boarding school – Mallory Towers was one of them, I can’t remember the names of the others (if you know, please do remind me!). Also Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys. What fun! After we moved to the US, my two fav series were the sweet valley high books, partly because they gave me a glimpse of the life of the cool kids I’d never be(en) privy to, and the Xanth series by Piers Anthony. Lots of magic and nifty stuff like that.

2)Last book I bought:

Harry Potter. But that’s boring. So I’ll tell you about the book previous to that – Don Quixote by Cervantes. Why, you ask? Well, I truly feel that my literary education was lacking. I went to an excellent high school which provided a much more college-like education than your typical secondary school, in the sense that there were only a few core classes one was required to take, then the remainder were electives. You had to take four years of English, three of math, three of science (or something like that), but there were a lot of different choices in each of those fields. So I chose classes like Shakespeare, Irish literature, Contemporary literature… where I read a lot of good books, but never the classics. No Charles Dickens, no Emily Bronte, none of the books that are referred to in so many different contexts. And I’ve regretted it ever since. A few months ago I came across the book “A Well Educated mind”. Exactly what I was looking for – a road map, teaching me first about the genesis of the contemporary novel and tracing its evolution, and second, how to really read a book to discover what the author is really trying to say, rather than just reading superficially for the story, which is my usual modus operandi. The first book recommended for this literary self-education was Don Quixote. I bought it on our trip to South Africa in Feb/Mar, finally finding it after looking in about ten different bookstores. Of course now I’m only on about pg. 50. But I do eventually intend to read it.

3)Last book I read:

Gunpowder Empire by Harry Turtledove. Quick read, amusing story, but not a work of art by any means.

4)5 books that mean a lot to me.

Mean a lot to me? I’m not quite sure how to take that. So I’ll just tell you about my all time favorites. Lord of the Rings. Tried to read it for the first time when I was twelve. Didn’t make it. Finally got through on my third try at fifteen, and have probably re-read the trilogy four or fives times since then. Ender’s Game (and the rest of the series, but EG is by far the best) by Orson Scott Card. Fantastic story. If you like sci-fi/fantasy and haven’t already read it, it’s a must. Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. M had been after me to read it for a while, to try and explain some of his libertarian viewpoints to me, a bleeding heart liberal. Extremely thought provoking. That’s all I can come up with at the moment.

Despite my firm conviction from the time my e2 dropped precipitously through my negative HPTs, that there was no chance that I was pregnant after my IUI, it still hit me like a ton of bricks when that result was confirmed. Unfortunately, failure has been a common thread amongst IUIers over the past month, with similar ensuing devastation (okay, devastation may be going a bit too far). Even though we do our best not to get our hopes up, somehow it seems impossible not to. The everlasting resilence of the human spirit. Or something.

I realized mid last week that there were two reasons this failure hit me so hard. First, although I wasn't expecting to get pregnant right away, I had been imagining that at this point I'd have been trying for six months, which is the amount of time it takes regular folk fertile myrtyles your average crack whore to get pregnant, so it was pretty reasonable for me to expect to be at this point. Not counting on cysts or dim-witted doctors or mutant sperm or the natural cussedness of the universe, of course.

Second, I'd started giving up. Baby-making the regular way went out the window a long time ago, when my stupid body forgot how to ovulate. Step one down. No Clomid for me - stupid body doesn't know how to make estrogen. Step two out of the way. So now I'm on step three (gonadotropins), and after three failures here, people usually move on to IVF. So I'm at the end of that road. With three out of four steps down the tubes (yes, pun intended. Bad one, I know.) I was already giving up on success with IVF. And after IVF there was nothing, because M had said that he did not want to pursue any other options, such as surrogacy or adoption.

Once I realized that I was feeling so incredibly sad because I was envisioning a future without any child(ren) at all, I decided I should talk to M about it. He'd been really worried about me, and kept asking if there was anything he could do to make me feel better. So rather than continuing down the bleak road I was on, I told him what I was thinking. He still thinks I'm being way overly dramatic and that we still have a lot of options to try, but did say that he would be willing to consider other paths if ART doesn't work for us. Which gave me back the future I'd imagined.

So I'm still a bit sad from time to time, I hate that I'm back on bcp again (especially because I've gained three pounds in as many days although definitely not eating nearly enough food to do that), but overall I've regained a sense of hope for the future. We're going to try another IUI or two, then if those don't work, IVF in January when my insurance will cover it. (Notice I said if, not when the IUI's don't work... trying for a bit of optimism!)

Fuck

Fuck fuck fuck. Fuck. FUCK! CD3 baseline u/s this morning. HUGE motherfucking cyst on my left ovary, 35x37mm. On BCP for the next four weeks (three weeks + one extra for vacation).

My sister is due 10/18. I really thought I'd be pregnant before she delivered. Fuck.

It's all over.....

Yeah, when you get a negative hpt 18dpi, you can be pretty much assured that you are not, in fact, pregnant. I think it does show that the pussaries are doing their job though!

The judicious use of pee sticks did help me keep hope in check, so I'm really alright at this point. Just wanna get on with our next try.

Thanks for all your hope and kind thoughts, very much appreciated.

Going nuts

Okay, now I'm 17 dpi (18 dpOvidrel, when CB showed last time) and no sign of the Bitch. However, P-stick this morning was the same lovely shade of stark white. And my temps have been steadily declining, from 98.4 this past weekend to 97.7 today. WTF???

The H-bitch is trying to come out again...

Get back in your hole, bitch!

And Hope was beaten into submission by the stark whiteness that was the space where a second line should be.

I needed to put her back in her place. It hurts less if you don't even let yourself dream.

12 dpi

After the IUI and my complete lack of symptoms, I was 99.99% convinced that this hadn't worked. And I was okay with that. I got my tears and my rage out on the day of the IUI. But then people said that 2ww symptoms don't mean anything, and the bitch hope started creeping out of her hole again. I think I'm going to POAS tomorrow (12dpi) just to put her back in her place.

Random musings

One thing I did find out when I saw the nurse on Tuesday was my e2 levels. 106 on day 7, 271 on day 10, 348 on day 11 (that's when they decided to drop the meds) and then 52 on day 13. I really don't understand why they decided to drop based on the 348. That doesn't seem high to me at all! I have an appointment with MY doc on 8/25, two days after CB should be in town, and I will definitely be asking her these questions before we start the next (and final IUI) cycle.

I have a wicked bad case of hamster head (yes, I did grow up in Mass.) I figured since I felt pretty much the same symptoms after both my previous IUIs (sore boobs, frequent pees, constipation), and I wasn't pg, that they were due to the hcg shot. So I was fully prepared to feel the same things this time, and to not even imagine I might be pg based on those unless they lasted longer than 12dpi.

Well, wouldn't you know, this time I feel nothing. NONE of those. So obviously it wasn't the hcg shot. Does that mean that both of the previous IUIs we did manage to conceive an embryo, but it just didn't implant? (Does that make me a murderer in the eyes of the Bush anti-abortionites? And if not, why is using an embryo for stem cell research murder?) What does THAT mean for the success of a possible future IVF? I supposed with our poor morphology (<4% normal), it could just be abnormalities that don't allow the embryo to live and that with IVF we could pick a good embryo that would manage to implant. Or not.

If you've had an hcg shot, have you felt pg symptoms?

I've also been reading The Beauty Myth, on the recommendation of a friend. I've only read a couple of chapters, and it's already making me think twice about people I see on TV etc. It's so ingrained that women have to be beautiful and attractive to look at in order to make what they say worthwhile, where with men looks really don't matter. There are some really ugly men out there who are high up in corporations, in the media, in sports - we totally take them seriously. Yet when there's a less than attractive woman, that's the first thing that we pay attention to. Not what she has to say, whether she's making a good point - it's all about 'wow, that's a hideous outfit' or 'my god, she's way too thin', 'would you look at the honker on her!', or, 'man, what did she do to her hair?'. I just think about how many times I've said that or thought that about a female, compared to how often the same thoughts have crossed my mind about a male, and it really makes me sick. It's so insidious and pervasive.

I skipped a few chapters and read the one entitled 'Hunger'. It talks about how a large percentage of women in our society basically live their lives in a state of semi-starvation. It mentions 1600 calories as a subsistence diet in poor countries where people can't afford more. Yet so many of the diet programs ask us to live on much less than that. When I lost weight last year I was eating 1500 calories a day, as well as 5-600 cal worth of exercise. No wonder I dropped 12 pounds in two weeks! I was totally starving myself. The book also talks about studies that have shown that that kind of semi-starvation can absolutely affect cognitive abilities. In other words, we're keeping ourselves down by starving our bodies and brains, to reach some 'ideal' weight. That's frightening. Yet it's also amazingly difficult to let go of the desire to attain that ideal.

And then I think about having a daughter, and how on earth to avoid putting those pressures on her?

Fallout

I had a really crappy day yesterday. Bookended by people telling me that I need to "just relax". HA! (Sorry, this is really long and rambly, I have lots of things to get off my chest).

Woke up, took my temperature. It was 97.7 on Monday, 97.5 yesterday. I.E. not up at all. ARGH! So I decided to go into the clinic and have them take my blood to check my progesterone level which they had done for me in my first cycle to find out if I ovulated or not. Doesn't help that I had a nasty dream where I was a medical miracle - the first person every to conceive inside her ovary, because my follicles didn't burst but somehow the sperm managed to get in there anyway.

I tried to call ahead to the clinic so they could have the forms ready for me when I arrived, but they never actually let you speak to a real person so I left a voice mail for the nurse, but just went in anyway. When I got there they were completely confused as to what to do. The receptionist said he would get the paperwork done for me, but then sat there at the desk for another fifteen minutes, doing heaven knows what, and ignoring me. Then the phlebotomist left. I tried to stop her, saying I needed to get my blood drawn, but Mr. Receptionist said I'd have to go to a different floor. okay. Tears start.

(I have never ever been this emotionally fragile in my whole life!)

After another ten minutes or so, the nurse calls me into the back. She starts telling me, "Oh, we don't need to draw blood until sixteen days after your IUI, if you haven't gotten your period". I try to explain to her that I want to know if I ovulated or not. She asks me what we would do if I haven't - answer is nothing. I just want to KNOW. More tears.

She was really sweet, gave me a hug, and took me into the back room to look at my records with me. She spent over half an hour talking to me, which honestly, was what I needed. That's something I've really missed - it would be really great to have a half hour appointment set up in the middle of the cycle just to talk about how things are going, and what the plans are. I hate being in the dark and not understanding what's being done and why. She told me that I need to just be a patient, and let the doctors be the doctors. She does have a point. BUT it's really hard to do that when I feel like the doctors fucked up. Then she segued into telling me that I really need to relax, and give this a chance to work. HAHAHAHAHA. She did mean it in the nicest possible way, but still.

And I also found out that MY doctor is on vacation. Which is why Dr. Business was making decisions about my treatment. I wish I had known that!

Mom and sis came over last night for dinner. More of Mom fussing over sis and basically ignoring me.

Then just before bed I was telling M about what had happened in the morning, and he too told me that I just need to relax. I know that it's really hard for him to see me so sad like this, and he keeps saying that he wants to help and that I should talk to him, but I just don't know what to say. I can't explain why I'm so upset. Except to you guys who understand all too well.

So I went to bed totally depressed, yet more tears.

I woke up this morning having had another dream - I was in the hospital, and delivered a beautiful baby girl. She was lying on my stomach, I was teaching her to feed, and telling her how much I loved her and that everything would be okay.

Maybe it will be. Maybe I do need to stop worrying so much.

IUI#3

Of the four doctors at the clinic I go to (well, if you include the resident, 'baby doc' it's five), I like Dr. Business the least. He's exactly that - all business. No friendly chit chat, just in and out. Literally and figuratively.

I'm pretty sure, based on the nurse saying after Thursday's scan "Dr. Business will look at your blood results and we'll call you back in the afternoon", that it was he who decided to drop my dosage.

So of course, he was the one doing my IUI yesterday. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. No joking around like with Dr. Handsome the last time, it felt very cold and impersonal. M managed to ask "Is it worth it to do another IUI tomorrow given that we just took the trigger shot last night" as he was on the way out the door - Dr. Business said no, as I had already started to ovulate. And that was that. Away he went. No discussion, no 'if it will make you feel better we can', nothing.

I burst into tears as soon as he left. I had such high hopes for this cycle, it really did seem to be going absolutely perfectly. And then to have him treat me like that, be so absolutely compassionate-less, just put the shit icing on the shit cake.

I know that it's still possible that this worked, but I am not holding my breath.

And I'm definitely going to ask to see my entire record before the next cycle because I want to know exactly what happened with this one, and why they made the decisions they did. One thing that I didn't pay much mind to when it happened was that at two of my ultrasounds, they asked me to confirm the meds I was taking - "Gonal-F, lupron" and one other thing. Both times I said "Um, no, I'm just taking Repronex". They said it was just a computer error. But that makes me wonder now - what exactly were they looking at when they decided to lower my dosage???

(Oh, and BTW - I was playing golf on Saturday when I took the call about my instructions for the night. I was on pace to shoot well under 100, which I have never done before (47 on the front nine). After I got the call I was so pissed off I totally fell apart and ended up shooting a 102. That'll teach me to use my cellphone on the golf course!!!)

Too good to be true.

I thought I was having a picture perfect, textbook cycle. And I was. Right up until they told me to decrease my dosage. Went in again this morning, and my follicles were pretty much the same size as they were on Thursday, as was my lining (up to 7mm today). Afternoon call said that I might already be ovulating because my estradiol had dropped (yeah, no shit dumbasses - what the hell do you think happens when you decrease the meds by 67%????). So I'm supposed to do the trigger shot tonight, and then go in for an IUI tomorrow (instead of the usual 36 hours, which would be Monday).

I am really really angry. With them AND with myself. I feel like I should have questioned what they were doing more - I've read too many stories of people's dosage being dropped and things getting fucked up.

Has anyone had their dosage dropped and NOT had a subsequent problem?

I think I'm going to demand an IUI on Monday as well. Hopefully cover more bases. But if everything has stalled (as it seems to have) and I don't end up with any mature eggs, it doesn't matter how much damn sperm is in there.

Fuck. And I will say that for Thalia too. And a big triple fuck you, universe, up yours, you scum sucking asswipe, for Megan.

It's always something.

Not bad news, per se. But always something to fret about.

Latest u/s showed three dominant follicles, 2 at 14mm and one at 12. Dr. Sweet said we'd probably trigger on Sat and IUI on Mon (looks like we're going to be just a few hours apart, T). I also found out that yesterday's e2 was 271.

Then this afternoon the nurse called and told me to drop my dose down to HALF a vial and that I should come in again on Sat. Of course I yet again forgot to ask about my e2. The nurse who normally calls me just tells me, this one who's covering for her on vacation needs to be asked. And I can never remember to do that!.

I don't know why they're dropping my dosage so much when they haven't done that for the previous cycles. And of course I forget to ask that as well. Why is it that when the nurse calls I'm so flipping nervous or something that I can't remember any of the very relevant questions that I want to ask? And then I call back and have to leave a message and they hardly ever get back to me until the next day. Anyone else with the same missing brain syndrome?

So instead of 1/2 vial, I did 2/3. Screw 'em.

Continued good news... (Please, let's keep it coming!)

Lining 6.5mm, two follicles on the right at 13mm, one 13mm and one 12mm on the left. I've never actually had follicles grow on the left side before, so I feel like that's a good sign. I forgot to ask what my e2 was, but it must have shot up quite a bit because they told me to drop my dose for tonight from 1.5 down to 1 vial, and come in for another u/s tomorrow morning. Which is going to be interesting because I will have to squeeze it in between ice hockey (6:30-7:30) and my acupuncture appointment at 8:30. I'm thinking I'm going to have to leave hockey early so I can shower and make the 7:45 u/s appointment. And I'll probably be late for the acupuncture.

They haven't said anything yet, but I'm guessing I'll trigger on Friday and do the IUI on Sunday. I was worried last cycle with 3-4 follicles about multiples (hahahahahaahaha. hahahahah. Oh, I do crack myself up!). No worries this time. Bring on the follies!

I really can't believe how quickly this is happening. Responding 'normally' to these drugs is such a nice change!

In which cycle #3 actually goes somewhere!!!

I'm almost in shock. Had my CD7 u/s today, after four nights of Repronex, and had three decent size (9,10,11mm) follicles. And my lining was at 5mm, which is way thicker than at this point in either of my previous two cycles. I was not getting my hopes up though, after the disappointment of my last cycle (taking twenty, yes, two-zero days to stim) after what I thought was a relatively good CD7 u/s.

But, got the call this afternoon to say that my e2 is already over 100! Woo-hoo!

So I really do think that it took me so long last cycle because of the lingering effects of the bcp. (Or maybe my head is on a little straighter this time?)

Again, don't want to get my hopes too far up, but this may mean we can even do our next IUI as early as this weekend instead of mid-August. *grin*

And cycle #3 begins. and other thoughts.

U/s this morning. Not fantastic, but not nearly as bad as my cancelled cycle (3 26-27mm cysts). One 16mm cyst on my right ovary + a couple of smaller ones, and a few on the left. Baby Doc (new kid, doing his residency at my clinic) had them draw blood to check my e2 level, and as that was not still high I got to start my injections again tonight. Woo-hoo!

I also had an intake appointment with an accupuncturist today. I figure it can't hurt, right? We went through a very long Q&A session, then she treated me for about half an hour. She also said she'd want to see me right before and right after my next IUI. I'm gonna keep hoping...

While I was waiting for her I was reading a woman's health book that was in the waiting room. There were a couple of sections on amenorrhea. Also food for thought. It mentioned that a lot of women with amenorrhea have deep seated fears of being female or looking too female, that can come from childhood traumas and repressed memories, as well as the body images that are portrayed by the media.

I've always thought that I'm not affected by the supermodels, actresses etc - you know, I'm too strong to be swayed by those images. I know who I am and what I want and I just like the way I look and feel when I'm thin. But one thing that's really stuck with me is I distinctly remember watching Star W@rs "@ttack of the Cl0nes", the battle scene at the end where Nata1ie P0rtman is up on top of the pole and thinking how incredible her abs looked and how much I wanted to look like that. So I lost 15 pounds and did look like that. For a little while anyway. But obviously I'm totally fooling myself that I'm not affected by the images of thin-ness in the media, and the much more child-like body type that is the ideal. I've been completely hating the way I look and feel recently, none of my pants fit anymore, I don't like what I see in the mirror... but I realize that really my body just looks more womanly and less like a teenage girl, and that is NOT a bad thing. I am NOT a teenage girl anymore, so why do I feel the need to look like one? I need to be okay with that. I have to suck it up, go out and buy some new clothes so I don't feel constricted, so that I don't look like my clothes don't fit, and that will probably help.

On the other issue, childhood memories, I was abused in my early teen years. Not seriously, I wasn't raped, but enough that I had intimacy issues for a long time, and it caused some serious strain with my college boyfriend.

This guy, a friend of a family friend, had recently lost his job and needed a place to stay for a little while. We were going back to South Africa to visit our family there over the Christmas holidays, so my parents asked him to house-sit for us. When we got back from our trip, he still didn't have a place to go, so my parents let him stay with us for a while until he got back on his feet. I think they just didn't feel right about kicking him out, they were definitely way too nice. He ended up living in our spare bedroom for over two years!

He was a real wierdo. He used to wear either a towel or a tee-shirt wrapped around his head pretty much all the time because he didn't like his hair. He never had a job, he would go around and look after various people's houses while they were away, but that was about it. He was totally into playing the lottery and doing all those stupid promotions that the radio stations ran. There was one that happened every year, the station would mail 'tickets' to people's houses, and if your number was called you won a prize. He would go to the post office and dig through the trash to collect as many as he could. We did actually win a video camera one year from him doing that. Still have a tape of me and my sis calling into the radio station to claim it.

I'm finding that I'm having a hard time getting to the point. My heart is pounding, my hands are clammy... I've told three people in my life about this. My college bf, M, and my sis, who went through parts of it with me. And I realize now that I haven't told any of them about all of it.

My parents trusted him with us. He would 'babysit' us - although we were old enough to be left alone to a point, I think they liked having an adult there. He would take us swimming, drive us other places... He would also give us back massages. He would have us put on leotards. I don't know how it happened, but after a while he would start not only rubbing us outside, but also going up inside the leotards, rubbing our buttocks and thighs.

Honestly, writing this down, I really can't believe that we thought that was okay. I read it now and I'm completely appalled at how incredibly inappropriate that was. Unfortunately, though, that wasn't the end of it.

I definitely remember not wanting to be around him, but for some reason that is completely unknown to me at this point, we didn't tell our parents. Maybe we just didn't see anything wrong with it?

He would talk to me about growing older and sex and marriage. He told me about how good it felt when you met someone special and were intimate with them. It's all kind of hazy, but I remember him talking about how you could use your tongue, and lick the person all over and how good that felt. I particularly hated being alone with him in the car - he wouldn't talk about that stuff when my sis was around because I was the older one, and she was too young for that kind of talk.

I was most frightened one time when he took me to another place he was house-sitting at (I think my parents had finally kicked him out at this point, but somehow he was still coming by the house and doing things with us). He wanted me to do an Indian 'coming of age' ceremony with him. Something that he had experienced out west when he was living on a reservation for a while, or something like that. It involved a 'special tea', peppermint patties (because of some chemical reaction with the tea), both of us stripping down to our underwear, and sitting on the floor meditating. I was absolutely terrified that he was going to rape me. I went through the motions, doing what he told me to do, drinking the fucking tea and nibbling on the peppermint patty, all the while trying to think of how I could get away if he tried to do something. The 'ceremony' also involved touching. I don't think he actually touched me 'down there', but definitely in the near vicinity. I was giggling, saying I was ticklish. He told me that I had to learn to get over that for when I had a boyfriend and he touched me there. It was, of course, much more of a nervous giggle - what the hell was I supposed to do? Eventually he realized how uncomfortable I was and asked me what was wrong and I told him that I was afraid he was going to try and have sex with me. He said of course not, this was all just part of the 'ceremony'.

After that, I never ever wanted to be alone with him again. I don't think I was but I don't remember how I managed it. And then finally he stopped coming around.

I've seen him a few times since then. I've always just avoided him - he still wears the fucking towel on his head so you can see him from a mile away and duck around the corner. Last time was probably ~10 years ago.

I know that he has house-sat for other people with kids, and I often wonder if they experienced the same things. Sometimes I feel guilty, like I should go to the police or something so that he can't do this to anyone else, but it was so long ago I don't know if they'd be able to do anything at this point.

I've still never told my mom. There's nothing that she could do about it now, and I think it would rip her heart out to know that this was going on and she and my dad didn't see it and kept exposing us to it over and over again. And I wonder now why we didn't say anything at the time? I realize now how completely wrong it all was, why could I not see it back then?

I know absolutely that it affected my relationship with my college bf. I managed to work through it with him, and I haven't had the same issues with M. But now I wonder if this is part of what's going on with me now - in some ways I shun my own femaleness because that's what the pervert was after. That plus the media - maybe there is a mind/body connection here, and although I like to think of myself as strong and able to get past all of this, subconciously I'm not okay.

Writing all this down I've remembered so many more things than what I have been telling myself happened. I had forgotten about him talking to me about how men and women can be together, the whole tongue thing, my giggling when he touched me and him telling me I'd need to get over that... Maybe I have repressed it all a lot more than I thought. Is recognizing it enough?

Australia, here we come?

I'm in a tizzy! M just got offered a position within his company that would involve a move to Australia for 2-3 years. It's a definite step up for him, the "international management" experience that will look great on his resume and definitely open up some doors later on. My job is 90% computer based, so I could totally work from there, and in fact my company does have a small sales office in Sydney so I'd even have a place to call 'work'.

We visited Australia for two weeks in '03, Sydney for a week and then Perth to visit some relatives I have there. Absolutely loved it, and we've always said since then that if we were to move anywhere, Oz would be it.

And then this comes along. Holy shit! I'd miss my new nephiece's (sex still unknown) first few years, but that's about the only reason I can think of not to go. I wouldn't want to move there forever because I'd miss my family too much, but 2-3 years I could definitely handle. I've been feeling really blah about our life here recently, this would definitely add some adventure!

I know some of you have moved to a different country, either for a limited amount of time or for good. Would you recommend it? If you could go back and make the decision again, would you still choose to move? What are some of the pitfalls we should think about before jumping in to this head first?

And it's official...

Beta = negative. And mere hours after my blood was drawn, CB started trying very hard to make her entrance. Ah well. Back on the horse again. Now I'm hoping that the extra week that the progesterone bought me means that any cysts I may have had will be gone. Please please please!

Psychosomatic symptoms?

Of course they were! 14dpi = BFN. On a FRED. I did go buy one yesterday.

Not even the most miniscule hint of a second line. I'm kicking myself now for not doing the HPT yesterday so I could go in for a beta this morning - I'm going to a charity dinner where a chef comes into your home to cook a meal for you tonight, with all the wine you can drink. Without a beta there's still a minute possibility that I am actually pg (a la Suz!), therefore can't enjoy the wines the chef has selected to go with the meal. Fuck.

I had a feeling, all my "symptoms" completely disappeared yesterday. No sore boobs, nothing. Given that I've never ovulated (certainly not since going off BCP), I don't know what's normal to feel and what's not normal. Do your boobs usually feel tender in the two weeks after you've ovulated when you're not taking meds? Is it the hcg shot? the progesterone?

Psychosomatic symptoms?

I've been having the 'to POAS or not to POAS' dilemma the last few days. I'm currently 12dpi so theoretically a + / - on a FRED should be reasonably accurate, but neither my sis nor another good friend think I should. I had a hard time convincing myself it was a bad idea yesterday until I checked the HPTs I have (you know the 3-pack from Costco I bought when I went off the pill 'cause I'd be needing them any day) and they're EPT which say they can be used starting the first day of your missed period - so I assume that's 14 or maybe even 15 dpo/i? So I couldn't use it until Saturday even if I wanted to (and I'm not about to go out and buy any more)! So that dilemma at least is solved.

Then, I was reading a blog last night where someone was making fun of a list of pregnancy symptoms (can't remember now where it was, will link if / when I find it again). Two of them that I hadn't heard before were having trouble sleeping / not sleeping well, and bleeding gums when you brush your teeth. So wouldn't you know it, I couldn't get to sleep until 2:15 last night when I finally got up, went downstairs and had a glass of milk. And, when I brushed my teeth this morning there was way more blood than I've ever seen before. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

I think it's all totally psychosomatic. I knew about the sore boobs, therefore they're sore. As soon as I find out about these other ones, boom, I have them too! I think I want very much to be pregnant, so I'm convincing my body to exhibit all the symptoms as I learn about them. How's that for twisted?

hockey camp, part 2.

Camp was a blast. It was really great to hang out with the gals from my regular team, I learned a new trick when playing defense (put my stick between the opposing player's legs when they try to go around me) (boy, does that sound phallic!), worked on my puck handling skills which is where I need the most help, and tried very hard not to think about whether I am pg or not (10dpi today, and yes I'm getting more and more tempted to test but I'm trying to hold out 'til Saturday).

I did find the camp a bit frustrating at times - I really really hate when people can't follow directions. The coaches described a drill to us, whose details I will not bore you with, suffice it to say that it was fairly straightforward. The first five people to go did. not. get. it. And it was a drill with partners, so that pretty much screwed things up for everyone else. I don't understand why you wouldn't, if you weren't clear on what was going on, just go to the back of the line and watch other people? Then there was another drill where we were passing back and forth across the ice, and the number of people who didn't seem to be able to figure out how far ahead to put the pass in order for it to be somewhere in the realm of their partner was also mind boggling. We started at one end of the ice, and the woman I was skating with threw the pass, supposedly 'to' me, 3/4 way down the ice. I am not that fast - none of us is. I don't even think NHL players are! WTF?

But on that note, I can apparently be a real bitch when people don't perform to my (admittedly high) expectations. I just had my mid year review, which was pretty good, except that I was told that I come off as arrogant. I was asking M about it and he said "well, when you know you're right, and someone is questioning you, you can be nasty". Not just 'a little' nasty, but all the way there. I guess when your husband doesn't come to your defense on a work related issue you know you really do have a problem.

Gah. I hate all the politics and making nice that has to go on. If I'm right and I know it, why is it so wrong just to say so? Why do I have to sugar, hot fudge and marshmallow coat it before telling someone else that perhaps they're being illogical? (I guess my problem is that more often I think they're being a complete dimwit, and it shows.)