Wednesday, December 28, 2005

To tell, or not to tell?

I have always thought that when I was pregnant, I would tell family members right away. I'm very close with my mom and sister, and can't imagine not telling them. In fact, my sister knew before anyone else, even M, coz I tested at her house. We told my in-laws at their house on Christmas Eve, and my mom and her husband at our house Christmas Day. And I told you guys, of course!

The question is, tell other people or not. I have a few very good friends whom I've kept in the loop through all my ups and downs, and I want to tell them. I know that it's early, and we don't know that everything is okay yet (although signs are looking good - cramping has almost disappeared, and I imagine that if it were an ectopic pregnancy that they would continue to get worse). But I feel perfectly okay with telling people whose support I would want in case everything didn't go well. My best friend from high school, from college, and a select other few that have been my pillars as I've gone through treatment.

M, on the other hand, doesn't want to tell anyone else. "It's awfully early", he says. I don't yet understand exactly why he feels this way. I told him this morning that I wanted to tell my college friend, and he seemed quite set against it. We were IM'ing about it, and that wasn't really getting anywhere, so we're going to discuss when I get home.

What do you think? If you've been through it and told people early, were you glad you did afterwards or not?

u/s scheduled for next Friday at 3pm. According to my calculations, I'll be 5w6d then, so hopefully we'll see a heartbeat!!!


Anonymous said...

Meh Nico -- to tell, or not to tell is SO TRICKY.

With my first pregnancy, I told EVERYONE despite knowing that I was at a high risk for miscarriage. It's difficult for me to hide when I'm in treatment because my personality goes through such a drastic change, so everyone at work (including my students) knew that I was actively seeking treatment.

What I told people was, "I'm pregnant, but it is a very high risk pregnancy." My hormone levels were all wrong, and the beta levels started out incredibly low, and though things looked good as time went on the little embryo just didn't make it.

I absolutely have NO REGRETS that I was an open book. The kindness and support offered to me after I lost my pregnancy showed me how much people love me, and if they don't love me -- it showed how much they sincerely cared for me.

This time, the people at my work know (again, obviously because they are around me more than anyone else) and I've told immediate family. As for the rest of my friends... they don't know. And I'm not going to tell them until after 3 months. It was just too many phone calls I had to make before, and I don't want to go through that again.

For now, you're pregnant. For now, I'm pregnant. Let's just be happy being pregnant (though, damn, I even want to tell the cashier...)

S. said...

We waited a bit (10 weeks) before telling people and even then only told those who were really close.

We held onto the idea of who would we want to tell if something bad happened. Kind of like, the less amount of times we'd have to re-tell the story, the better. I don't know about you, but I don't want to have to keep repeating myself/the story if something bad happens.

Dooneybug said...

I think telling people is entirely up to the couple and how they feel about having to explain the situation if it were to go wrong. It seems harder when one of the couple wants to and the other doesn't.

We decided to wait until we saw a heartbeat at the ultrasound. Our first ultrasound wasn't until 10 weeks so that is when we told family. We kept it quiet from friends and co-workers until 13 weeks.

Like I said, it's totally an individual couples choice, and what is right for one couple may not be right for another.

DD said...

When we pregnant with Max and the words "miscarriage" and "infertility" were just a jumble of letters, we told everyone the moment we could get enough family members together to count as a group. When we got pregnant w/Baby May, we did the same thing in blissful unawareness. And the thing is we lost Baby M. at 15 weeks, well into the "safe" zone. Now that we are going thru IF, everyone in my office knows I'm PUPO; my immediate family doesn't get it (ie: told mom I was having the follicles removed for retrieval of eggs and she tells my dad I'm having polyps removed...need I say more?); and my in-laws couldn't give a flyin' f*ck since the chosen one is now into her 3rd trimester. BITTER! Table of 1, please!

If we continue to be PUPO, yes, I will tell, because if something happens it's much easier to explain that something happened to the baby than to try the excuse of having a bad hair day every time I spontaneously start bawling.

NCD said...


I told several people, especially those who have been supportive during all my procedures. I never told my family. You know what happened to me, and it has been hard. Certainly it is good to be able to have some support while things are crashing down around you, but you also are perpetually explaining what happened and how you feel.

I even waited until I saw the heartbeat for those people, because everything seemed great. I did finally tell my mother that I needed a DNC for a miscarriage (nothing about fertility yet) and while she has been kind, she has called everyday..."Is everything alright?? Are you feeling better?? How do you feel? Are you ok (mentally?)??"

It is nice, but part of me would like to be able to stop explaining it, and just quietly deal with it.

At the beginning, another thought I had was that this was a spectacular secret to be able to have, just me and H (and the teeny-tiny support group).

As said before, the final decision must be yours and your hubby's. Good luck.


k #2 said...

NICO -- HOLY CRAP! I am so excited for you! I haven't checked blogs for awhile now (very odd for me) and I am so VERY happy for you!!!!

As for telling, I waited until 9 weeks to tell my parents, 11 weeks to tell my inlaws and the whole rest of the world at 13 weeks! It killed me, but I didn't feel like I could until I was out of the first trimester.

I would definitely say wait until that beautiful little heartbeat is seen before considering telling everyone. Other than is up to you! Congrats!!!! I am smiling so big right now!!!

Rebecca said...

This is just my opinion, but if it were me, I would tell the people who have been your pillars of support.

When we got pg, we told the people who had been there for us through all the bad news. We figured if they had been there for that, they deserved to share in our joy, whether it lasted permanently or just a few weeks.

And besides, there was no way we (especially I) could have hid it when things did go wrong, so we would have had to tell them anyway at some point. Because, as dd said, the bad hair day excuse only lasts for so long...

Lori said...

When I miscarried it was so early we hadn't really had a chance to tell anyone yet as we were still trying to absorb the good news. I had only told my best friend. I honestly wish I had told others when it was still good news because I told thme about the miscarriage. It would've been nice to have been able to celebrate it more.
It's entirely up to you and if you want to tell - go for it.

Z said...

my first 2 pregnancies we told EVERYone the minute we found out. the 3rd pregnancy we waited and sadly lost that one too. with this pregnancy we waited until i was 14wks. it was sooooo very hard but we just focused on ourselves and getting by week by week.

i do hope you see a heartbeat but just a little warning. i have NEVER been able to see a heartbeat by 6wks. yes, the norm is by 6wks you can see a heartbeat but some of us don't fall in the norm. when i would read about everyone finding a heartbeat by 5-6wks i would freak because we still couldn't find ours. now, i've learned that for us we need to wait until 7wks to find a heartbeat. so please if you don't see a heartbeat and everything else looks good, try not to freak and give it a couple of weeks.

P. said...

I just saw the news - CONGRATULATIONS!

Jenn said...

We told for all three of my pregnancies. We also had to untell for the first two. I'm glad we did because I WANT people to know what we went through. There were a few rough moments when someone we hadn't seen came up to congratulate us after we lost the baby, but overall I'm glad we did. Hopefully we won't have to untell this one too.

P.S. I had my first u/s at 5w6d and they couldn't quite see the heartbeat (she thought she did, but wasn't sure). I just don't want you to worry if you don't see it.

pixi said...

I agree with Rebecca's "pillars of support" idea. That's the way I tend to go. There's going to be so much going through your mind in the next several weeks, and I'll bet you're going to need to talk about it. Not that you want to tell the whole world yet. Maybe just the the people (or a select group of them) who you'd tell if (God forbid) you miscarried. Just be sure that they'll keep it in confidence. I had a friend who thought is was OK to tell other people once I'd past 12 weeks (without me giving her the go-ahead) and I lost the pregnancy shortly after. Then when I was at a gathering a little while later, two people who I didn't know all that well came up to say congratulations. I had to awkwardly explain that things didn't work out. So, obviously you'd want to avoid that sort of thing (and again let's hope that it will never be an issue), but I still believe that you're going to need a little group with whom you can share the gamut of feelings that you'll be experiencing in the coming days.

Jennifer said...

Delurking to say congratulations...this is great news. I also vote for telling people though being very careful about WHO...only those you know will be really supportive. I am just resolving my fourth miscarriage and by now I have developed a "prayer team" of people who share my particular religious beliefs--but it doesn't have to be can just be a "support team."

Good luck and I'll be checking in...I'm also in Boston, btw.

Ova Girl said...

Nico have just seen your news, it's fantastic! Congratulations!

Katie (WannaBeMom) said...

NICO! I go away from the web for a few days and I miss something TOTALLY MONUMENTAL! I can't stand how excited I am for you!! I think you should do what feels right to with this: if you want to tell, tell. If you don't, don't. OH MY GOD! This is really awesome, and I can't believe how it happened right at Christmas and it's just beautiful. HURRAH!!

Laurie said...

Had we not been going through so many infertility treatments, we would've waited till after the first trimester, or maybe a little earlier for family. But since the family knew exactly what day my blood test was, we couldn't exactly keep it a secret. We just asked them not to spread the news as we were so paranoid. In addition, we told our friends who knew what we were going through and what treatment we were doing. Again, we asked them not to spread the news. (They were concerned and praying for us and we felt like they deserved to share in our good news after they'd been made to suffer through our tears for so long, even if it was very early and not a sure thing!)

Other than that, we didn't broadcast until after the first trimester.

KimberlyW said...

With my daughter, we didn't tell people for a long time. Except for parents. I got pregnant in February of this year and we were going to tell as soon as we saw a heartbeat. We never did. I had a miscarriage (D&C). We ended up telling people about that anyway. I told my husband, if we are lucky enough to get pregnant again, I am telling as soon as I have a positive test. I agree with your commenter who said they were an open book and appreciated the support. It did make me feel better for people to know. In addition, I was so low after it happened that people knew something was wrong. Good luck and I hope everything is perfect for you and your husband!

Leggy said...

Little late commenting on this, but just wanted to add my 2 cents. We told parents and close friends as soon as we were pregnant with both the first 2 pregnancies.

This time around, we've only told close friends we were trying (need to have some support), but not family. I just decided that I can't really handle anyone else's expectations. Friends will be sad, but its not like losing their grandchild. If we miscarry, we'll tell parents after the fact, but I just can't stand having them all call and say "so how'd it go?" after a doctors appt, or "how are you feeling?", etc. I want to wait until I see a heartbeat, then we'll tell family. We'll wait until out of first trimester before telling "the world" (which is what we did with my pregnancy with my son).