All is well. And yet...

First beta 354. Second beta 850-something. I was so excited to hear that it more than doubled that I didn't even remember the exact number which is totally unlike me. Doubling time of 38-ish hours.

I also got to switch from PIO to endometrin. Yucky as that is (entire suppositories coming out in my pad on occasion), still WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY better than the PIO. I've still got bruises from that!

First u/s scheduled for 8/23 at 3:30.

As my last m/c was discovered at 9.5 weeks, with the baby's growth stopped at about 8.5 weeks I find myself not terribly worried about next weeks' ultrasound or even the one two weeks after that (perhaps I should be!) but I won't be able to believe there's even a chance this is going to work out until we get past the 10-ish week mark.

It's odd. I'm pregnant, they tell me, yet I feel no different, and it's as if i've put that knowledge in some other part of my brain to think about later. I was going to tell my mom when she came over yesterday, but couldn't get the words out. Surreal.

Beta = 354

17dpo. Not bad, but not great in comparison to my previous pg which were ~350 at 14dpo and ~850 at 16dpo, and ~500 at 15dpo. I am hoping it's just because IVF pg tend to have lower betas than natural, and I believe I found a scientific paper to that effect when I was researching why my betas were so much higher than those most people were posting.

Going back on Monday for a repeat. Not so worried about that, more about what happens in a few weeks, but I think that's only natural based on my m/c being at 8.5 weeks. I imagine i will need a lot more hand holding as / if we get closer to that.

Updated: I get to change to endometrin instead of PIO. Whoop whoop!

NOT proven otherwise yet...

Beta tomorrow. I figured I'd call the "cycle nurse" and ask two questions. One, if I am in fact pregnant, could I change to a different type of progesterone (answer: can be discussed, they do let some people change, although they are not going to test my progesterone level), and two, if I am not pregnant, would the plan be to start bcp immediately upon AF's arrival for another cycle (answer: no, I would have to have an apt with the doc first). This totally threw me for a loop - I just feel like it would be a totally wasted month, given that of our 8 mature eggs only 1 ended up being any good - chances of a natural cycle being any good are somewhat slim and getting slimmer.

So, despite having pretty much vowed not to test before the b/w tomorrow (I figured PIO would be way harder tonight if I knew I was not pregnant), I threw that out the window. If I *knew* the blood test would be negative I could demand to speak to a nurse in person when I went for the draw tomorrow am and see if I could convince them not to make me wait another month.

I immediately went out to Walgreens and picked up a test. (I always go for the cheap ones, crazy?). Then I went next door to Starbucks, ordered a mocha coconut frappuc.ino in which to drown my sorrows, and proceeded on into the bathroom to take the test. (how many pg tests do you think have been taken at starbucks??)

So I peed, and I watched. And watched... saw the liquid line going up, nothing showing up in the test window. Eh, just what I expected. But wait! the control line was coming up and maybe something else? Holy.EFFING.SH*%&#$%^T! NOT NEGATIVE. I looked again to make sure. Definitely two lines.

Grabbed my now celebratory frappucino and headed right to the car where I had left the test box to make sure that the two lines actually meant what I thought they did, it wasn't that I was supposed to see a plus sign or anything like that. And sure enough, two lines means no longer PUPO, just P!

Called DH right away because I figured if I knew he should too. Then my sis. At least I got the order right this time!

So damn, I was wrong. Things seem to have worked! (so far anyway. I know there's a long way to go before I can truly breath easy. But at least this is a start!)

PIO update

Went to see the nurse this morning. Apparently we have been doing the shots in completely the wrong place, and in the wrong way. HA.

The day I took my trigger shot, I spoke to the nurse after my u/s and she gave me a general idea of where to do the shots, but we both thought I would be there the following day for another one, so she just gave me a general idea of where to do it, but didn't draw circles or anything.

So when I did do the trigger shot that night, we watched the Village pharmacy tutorial, and picked the locations for the shots based on that and what the nurse had said (about where your thumb goes when you're putting hands on hips).

Well, today's nurse drew circles further down and further outside, much more on the fleshy part of my bum. She also said that rather than stretching the skin out, which is what the VP tutorial had said, that DH should pinch a sizeable amount (of blubber) and then do the shot into that.

So, we'll see how that goes.

And, I totally chickened out of asking for an early beta since the conversation with the nurse was so short and to the point. So three more sleeps 'til that.

PI-OUCH!

So, Just had the WORST PIO experience. When DH tried the first time it felt like he hit the same nerve he'd gotten the first time we did PIO on my right side / hit a knot in a muscle, and he said that the needle wouldn't go all the way in, it felt like it was hitting something hard like bone. So we tried again. And again. And again. then switched to the other side, and same damn thing. I told him to just push the PIO in anyway - well, it started spurting back out again! I almost fainted, darkness was closing in on me, barely made it to our bed.

So I think I'm going to go in to the clinic in the am and just ask if one of the nurses can do it and show me if we've been doing it in the wrong spot. DH said usually it's just like going into butter, but this time it was "crunchy" as if he was hitting something hard. I'm wondering if it's either muscle knots or just the oil that's just kinda hanging out there. Regardless, not fun for either of us (and I actually think less fun for him than me). We went through seven needles (including going in to get more PIO out b/c I squirted it when trying to get the bubble out from the new needle.)

LOL and ARGH at the same time.

Oh, and I figure if I'm in there anyway I might just ask for a beta (tomorrow will be 14dpo, currently scheduled for beta at 17dpo :) Also progesterone, and if it's high enough I'll see if they'll let me switch to vaginal. b/c I think the next shot is going to be HARD!

pupo*

Today is 3dp5dt (3 days past 5 day transfer for those not versed in IVF lingo). I feel nothing. I was hoping that I might feel a bit crampy, or SOMETHING people, but nope.

Backing up a few days, starting Sunday night I found I was feeling the most nervous I think I have ever been for anything. which is weird, right? I think there was a butterfly mosh pit or something going on in there. Not because of the transfer procedure; that's fairly straightforward, I think just not knowing how many embryos were still growing, and of course, the eventual outcome.

Monday morning, more of the same. I could barely eat, which trust me, NEVER happens. I managed to force down some cereal as the only thing that seemed remotely appetizing. I had had doubts, when I read through my med protocol, about the vali.um they had prescribed to be taken an hour and again 15 min before transfer - by Monday morning I was counting down the minutes until I could pop one of those suckers!

When I finally did, it really did help, I felt much more zen within 15 min or so which was great. Took the second when we arrived at the clinic, as instructed. Had full bladder as instructed.

Commented to the nurse after they had me change into the hospital gowns in a ROOM WITH A TOILET that that was really mean! ;)

So we both got gowned up, then headed in to the transfer. They told us that of our seven embryos, one was a good looking blast (no score, but the pic looks to me like a 4AB from the advanced fertility website), and the other was not so hot (maybe a 2BB?), probably wouldn't make it to freeze, so they were recommending we transfer both.

I had prepped DH with my arguments against transferring two, in case the V made me so loopy I was unable to marshall them myself, but I was fully capable when it came down to it. A) we don't want twins. B) I have three natural pg under my belt (would that be a chastity belt?) C) This is our first IVF cycle, D) would rather not be pregnant than have twins. They did try and push us a bit further, by showing us a document they had typed up with their recommendations on eSET (only for women under 35 with at least one freezable blast in addition), which isn't really much of an argument, we stayed firm, and they relented. Perhaps if we get further down this road we will change our mind, but not now.

The transfer was u/s guided, and they used some weird-assed stirrups that held my whole legs up, and also tilted the table backwards so I felt like I was at maybe a 30 degree angle. I guess that helps with getting the catheter into the cervix? I tried as best I could to just relax, but I found myself tensing my legs as if to hold them up myself. It was definitely odd. Basically all I could think about though was how my bladder felt like it was going to explode every time the doc pressed on the ultrasound thingy. A friend who experienced this the week before did not have val.ium, and said that she felt horribly embarrassed basically having her entire ass hanging out in front of the doc. I guess another + for drugs! They did it first with just the catheter, then got the embryo, claimed they could see a little flash on the u/s as it was deposited (I could see where the catheter was but did not see the "flash"), checked that the catheter was empty, and then we were done.

Stayed at the clinic for another 15 min or so in quite a comfortable chair/bed (ched?), then got up, PEED!, and went home. NOW I was feeling loopy, and when we got into the car to drive home, asked DH if we had paid for the parking. He assured me that we had, but I could find no recollection of it anywhere.

Almost as soon as we got home I headed to bed, NOT feeling like myself, and slept for the next FOUR hours. I would have slept longer, too, except that the phone rang and woke me up.

Still didn't feel like myself, could barely eat dinner (again, NOT normal), so went back to bed again until about 10pm (not sleeping this time, just didn't feel like doing anything). At that point I finally did feel back to myself except FREEZING. Put on a sweater then within a few minutes I was drenched in sweat. Temp was 99.8. Ugh. I was then imagining that the fact that I had mistakenly skipped on of my doxycyline doses meant I had a raging uterine infection that was going to ruin this whole thing, so I actually called the clinic. Doc I spoke to was really nice, said they don't worry unless fever is >100.4, take some Tylenol (which I already had) and for sure come in the next day if my fever went any higher. Fortunately, next morning I felt my usual chipper self, so that crisis was averted.

So now I'm PUPO, but as I said not feeling terribly hopeful as I'm feeling nothing (aside from an inordinate number of hiccups** yesterday, but that was isolated). I don't even feel any of the normal PIO symptoms, just feel pretty much normal.

Found out today that the other embyro did not make it to freeze. In a way, the fact that only potentially one of our seven embryos made it past day 5 almost makes me feel better about our chances - we have NOT been making good embryos all along, so maybe, hopefully, my uterus is just fine?

*Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise; Anyone know who coined the term? was it Julie / A little pregnant?

** I have hiccupped every day for the past 23 years. At first it was on the order of 100's of times a day, it's dwindled down to about a dozen and I barely notice them anymore. Except yesterday when I probably hiccupped around 100 times. (Guinness record is 63 years so I hope not to make that!)

HFS!!!

The nurse called this morning and said we would be doing a day 5 transfer, on Monday. Someone else would call later on to let me know what time. I almost let her hang up, but then thought to ask how the embryos were doing.

Well. She counted, and said that all seven are still growing! Six are 8-cell, and one is a 10-cell.

So, we're scheduled for 11am on Monday.

Only thing is, the fact that ALL the embryos are still growing makes me think that producing embryos has not been the problem for the last year, rather getting them to hang around. I've been nervous ever since the D&C's that there's something wrong now such that embryos are not able to implant, and certainly this makes me feel even more that is the case. HOPEFULLY I am wrong and one of those embryos will snuggle in nicely just a few days from now.

Whew!

We got 13 eggs at ER yesterday. I was sore afterwards, but a heating pad and some tylenol helped enough that I was able to cook a birthday dinner and cake for DH (after a two-hour nap in the afternoon!)

Overnight I spent some time lying awake imagining A) that all the eggs were immature because of the early trigger, or B) that none fertilized and the lab had to do rescue ICSI which would end up being unsuccessful.

It was a long wait today until the nurse called... but the news was not as bad as I had feared - 8 eggs were mature and of those, 7 fertilized. Not too shabby. They will call again Sat morning to let us know about a day 3 vs. 5 transfer. Since I'm only transferring one I'm hoping for day 5, we'll see.

In other fabulous news, we *finally* got the building permit signed off for our new house, so barring anything really unforseen we will get our certificate of occupancy tomorrow and move early next week. YAY! (We bought the property April of 2009 and started framing in November so it's been a LONG time coming!)

OWW!

Trigger last night wasn't too bad, I thought. DH did pretty well with getting the needle in, and that part really wasn't painful. He then drew back on the syringe like you're supposed to, and at first got bubbles, but then said he was getting a little blood.

The IM injection tutorial we had watched said that if that happened, to discard the syringe and remix. Well, we didn't HAVE anymore, so I told him to go ahead.

Seemed okay at the time, but MAN am I sore today. My whole left side feels sore, from about my hip to my upper thigh. Worse than when I've fallen on that area when playing hockey (my pads don't cover it well). I wonder if that's why they tell you to try again. Will ask at my ER - if i feel this way after every PIO shot I will be one hurting mama by the end of the 2ww, let alone anything that comes after!

Then my ovaries are also quite tender, and it doesn't help when they get kicked or punched.

I don't know if I'm going to feel better or worse tomorrow! (Well, today.)

Already???

So here's how my cycle has gone so far:

Started stims (150U Gonal-F, 75U Menopur) last Sunday.
First u/s Weds morning, ~10 follicles in the 7-10 range.
Second u/s Fri morning, e2 329, ~10 follicles from 10-12mm.
Third u/s Sun morning e2 1100-ish, ~10 follicles from 13-15mm, guess by doc of trigger on Tues
Today, e2 up to 1727, ~8 follicles from 14-16mm, guess by doc of trigger on Tues

So, they only seem to be growing ~1mm per day, but apparently after getting my b/w back today they decided I should trigger tonight for ER on Weds.

I'm a little worried that we won't get many mature eggs as most IVF docs seem to like to trigger when the biggest follicle is closer to 18-20. I'm guessing that they are getting nervous about OHSS and so wanted to trigger me sooner rather than later. I keep repeating to myself that OHSS really sucks and that if we get five mature eggs instead of 10, all we need is one. I'm just hoping that we do get at least a few!

So.... if you know of any happy endings with early-ish triggers, please do tell!

(I'm also nervous about the silly IM shot in a few hours. Hopefully those nerves will be groundless like they have been for the other shots.)

Soooo close!

After 10 Lupron shots, I finally got to my baseline scan this morning.

I was super nervous beforehand, butterflies in my tummy and all, which I think is kinda silly but it is what it is.

It didn't help that I had been telling myself I needed to leave the house at 7:45 for an 8:15 apt (takes 20 min to get there), but then decided at 7:44 that I should make myself some tea and toast. So I ended up leaving at 7:53 instead, which is really cutting it a little close.

I arrived at the hospital at 8:10 (had some good traffic light karma and went a leetle fast which is always fun in my convertible.)

And then Murphy being as he is, the garage I always park in and have NEVER had trouble finding a spot in before was FULL. And when I say full I really mean it - I drove all the way from level 1 down to level 6 and back up again and there was not ONE spot (aside from the approximately 100 handicap spots, I really think someone needs to do a better job of figuring out how many of those are actually necessary). Fortunately as I came up to the very last level of allowed parking there was a guy walking down, so I snagged his spot after he pulled out. But by that time it was already 8:20 and i was now LATE. Ugh.

So I hightailed it up to the doc's office, and fortunately they were fairly blase about my tardiness. Whew.

Scan was all good, lining was 4mm (which is actually a little thicker than I was expecting, but I am still bleeding so that may be why), and my ovaries were "small", with 8 antral follicles on the left, and 7-8 on the right or vice versa. Whatever, pretty good for an old bag ;) So I got the all clear to start my stims tomorrow night.

I actually considered starting tonight because I'm so anxious to move forward. But I restrained myself. I have made a bargain with myself that for this first cycle I am going to trust what they tell me. If this one doesn't work out, then I will become a bitch. :D

Although working out? I honestly can't even fathom it. I'm trying this because I believe it's our best shot, but I can't imagine actually getting a BFP out of it.

Two shots down, 43-ish (+ ongoing PIO hopefully) to go!

I was super nervous before my first Lupron shot. Didn't particularly make sense, as I've certainly done a lot before with my injectable cycles... but this was different because it was in my thigh. So I didn't get to sleep until around 3:30 the morning before my first one.

When I finally dragged myself out of bed, I figured I had to get to it. After the requisite prep I squeezed the area of my thigh I was going to inject into, stuck the needle in (whatevs, it was *nothing*), let go of my thigh and pressed the plunger. When I withdrew the needle, yikes some liquid came out along with a little blood. And then i started *itching*. Weird feeling. I got a welt about an inch in diameter.

Felt as if I was on an adrenaline high for about three hours afterwards, until I finally managed to calm down.

I didn't think the shot went totally to plan, certainly it seemed to me that the amount of liquid that came out was a goodly proportion of what I had put in, so I called the nurse. She suggested that I continue to hold the area I was injecting into rather than letting go in the middle. worked like a charm, this morning's attempt was way better. No itchiness either.

i did do this morning's shot sitting in my closet so the boys who were playing just outside the bedroom wouldn't see me and ask too many questions if they came in.

here we go...

Got my IVF "calendar" today.

Continue with bcp until 7/11.
Start Lupron 10U 7/7
Baseline u/s 7/16
Start stims 7/17 150U Gonal-F, 75U Menopur, Lupron down to 5U
First monitoring 7/20
ER sometime week of 7/25
ET 3-5 days later.

Ack!!!

(And, throw in moving to our new house, FINALLY, on 7/12)

CD4

No waiting to do IVF miracle for me this time around :( The crimson bitch showed up late Wednesday, so Thursday was officially CD1. I called the RE to let them know, and they said I should start bcp that night.

I took T to the grocery store, and figured I could pick up my prescription while I was there, perfect. Except they didn't HAVE my prescription. I called the RE again, but it was closing time so didn't hear back. I figured it wouldn't be a big deal if I didn't start the pill until the following day, so didn't stress about it.

The next day they called and said they had sent the prescription again. My plan was to pick it up on my way out in the afternoon. Except I would have needed to go in the opposite direction, and didn't remember until I was on my way. Oh well. I was going out with my girls later and thought I would grab the pills on my way there.

Well, i was about two minutes away from my friend's house in Boston when i remembered. Drove ALL THE WAY back to the grocery store near my house. fortunately I had 10 min to spare. i wondered if my subconscious was trying to tell me it was not on board with my plans. then i decided I'm just too tired i can't think straight.

I'm supposed to call on Friday to get the full schedule of when I start Lupron and stims. Good times.

We've got a plan, Stan!

Unsurprisingly, this latest cycle was another BFN - also with a bizarrely long LP (BFN at 16dpo so I stopped progesterone that night, didn't get my period until 18dpo!) So I think maybe I don't have any LP problems anymore and will just quit with this progesterone junk.

DH finally got his SA scheduled, and results from that were pretty normal, somewhat to both our surprise. So we're just in the unexplained IF bucket at this point.

I had my followup appointment with Dr. C a few days after that, during which she told me our insurance would probably make us do two cycles of injectibles before we could do IVF, and that the fact that we would do single embryo transfer would not fly with them as a reason to do IVF, as given my age they would be recommending that we transfer two. I tried three times to get her to answer my question as to WHY ovulation induction with injectibles would give us a better chance of pregnancy than natural ovulation (assuming we were aiming for only one mature follicle), and she kept going back to when I had HA and was doing injectibles then, and did not even come close to answering my actual question. By the end I was having a hard time holding back tears. I just felt like she wasn't listening to me at all (not so different from when I first went to see her, I suppose).

So, our plan, as we did NOT want to do injectible cycles, was going to be to ttc naturally for a few more months (maybe with a natural IUI thrown in for shits and giggles), and if no luck, then pay for an IVF cycle on our own, perhaps with a different clinic that had been highly recommended to me. Dr. C did agree to submit to insurance for approval for IVF on a long shot, and said we'd hear on that in a few days.

Well, to my utter shock and astonishment, the insurance coordinator called me back a few days later, and said that we were approved for two IVF cycles straight away! Wow! My friend at work had said that was the case, but Dr. C was so negative about it, i assumed that there was no chance in hell.

So... we'll finish out this hail mary cycle, and then get started on bcp or whatever next cycle, which would put us at ER at the end of July / beginning of August. I'm excited - and a little scared too. But mostly excited and probably way too hopeful.

I did call for an apt at the other clinic - they didn't have any openings until August, and that schedule isn't even out yet so I couldn't actually make one. So I figure we'll see how this cycle goes, and re-evaluate from there, if need be. Hopefully not! (I'm really hoping that I can talk them into a single embryo transfer, otherwise the point may be moot. I am NOT transferring more than one.)

Bloodwork n stuff.

My doc's office posts bloodwork results online which I think is super cool as i can just look them up myself without having to speak to anyone.

I'm totally stoked about my numbers - e2 23, FSH 6.5, LH 6.6. LH has never been anywhere close to that before, my last results were 1.7 when I had HA and 2.4 before I conceived Timmy. Interestingly, that's my lowest e2 result - clearly not correlated with HA, for me. I was worried that my FSH might be creeping high, but that's still really good, and I had 16 antral follicles at my AF scan (I wonder if that's where the AF / Aunt Flo moniker originated??) so that's all good news.

Hysteroscopy to check on the fibroid from my saline u/s, and mock transfer tomorrow.

Ducks are getting lined up. Now I just have to get DH to call for a sperm analysis.

in case you're wondering

I did not take my progesterone last night, with the expectation of a BFN this morning, if I was surprised I could have taken the progesterone at that point. Not surprised by the POAS result.

Finally started spotting this afternoon, thank goodness. I was a little worried that the crimson bitch would not show which would put a wrench in my ivf plans.

So, intake appointment and CD3 b/w and u/s on Wednesday. Hopefully my numbers aren't too bad and we can move forward from there.

I don't even know what to think.

I called the IVF clinic yesterday and have an appointment with an RE next Weds, and they've put in the slips for me to do CD3 b/w and u/s over the weekend. (I know!)

But, Still no sign of red anywhere. AND my temp was up quite high for me this morning. I had said that I wouldn't test again until tomorrow, but I have no willpower with tests in the house. So I peed on the second one of the pack that jumped into my basket.

And it was still stark snowy white.

WTF??

I'm pretty sure that my O date is correct (http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/1bae1f) so what the hell?

I will call my RE's nurse today and ask if I can get a beta tomorrow if still no blood.

It almost has me thinking that maybe the pg tests are bad? Way to fuck with me, universe!!! At this point I'm just laughing about it.

Hope really is a little bitch.

I should really know by now NOT to do any 2ww symptom analyzing. It just doesn’t lead to good things for me.

This cycle I started feeling some cramps at 8dpo, and I noticed that it was a bit more slippery when I was inserting my progesterone, both of which happened when I got my BFP with A.

So of course the mind starts ticking…

A few days later, I noticed that my bbs were sore when I was going down the stairs at a decent clip. Hmmmmm, goes me.

Until I realized the next day that it was actually my chest that was sore, probably from some exercises I had done Friday that I wasn’t used to. The day after that I actually figured out that it’s my ribcage area that’s sore, I think from my underwire bra (I desperately need new ones, but keep saying to myself that I’ll get them AFTER I have the baby. Ha ha ha.)

So bye-bye to that symptom. But, my temp was still up, when it’s usually dropped to around my coverline by this point, still feeling crampy, still feeling slippery.

I had resolved to follow my usual (as of the last few cycles) no testing until I’m officially late.

But then I had to go to the grocery store and a pregnancy test just jumped into my basket. I tried to stop it, but it was a feisty little bugger.

Decided to use it the next morning (13dpo) to manage expectations. Because I really was getting my hopes up, and would rather get a negative now, if that’s the way the chips are going to fall, than have two more days to imagine and hope.

Thought about it falling asleep, who was I going to share the good news with first and how?

Except that when I got up and peed on said test, it was completely totally stark white. So barren that I couldn’t even *guess* as to the location of the putative second line. So much for good news to share. La la la I know that it’s early, but if I’m pregnant, based on past history there should at least be a shadow of a line.

So. I’ve actually been thinking about doing one hail mary IVF, since we’ve now had well over the 6 BFN cycles that would be required to label me as infertile given my “advanced maternal age”. Apparently it is covered by my insurance and I wouldn’t have to go through IUI cycles first.

I’m feeling quite a strong sense of déjà vu. Before we had kids I was all, “if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be, if not I’ll do other things with my life and that will be okay”. That is so easy to say when you think you’ll be getting pregnant lickety split. And I feel the same way now. A few months ago I had said to DH that I wasn’t interested in doing any kind of treatments this time around, if it’s not meant to be then it’s not, and our lives would probably be easier without a third child – but again, I’m finding that I’m not quite so blasé about the idea anymore. So now lets see if I convince him or the other way around.

Glum

I've completely given up on taking pregnancy tests, I got totally sick of seeing that stark whiteness every time. I just wait until the stupid crimson bitch shows up. Which, when I'm on progesterone as I have been on all the cycles I've "tried" in a while, usually happens at 14-15dpo. Last cycle it was at 14, which was good because my birthday was at 15dpo so I had a day to get over it and not ruin my birthday. This cycle, 14dpo came and went. Every time I went to the bathroom and there was no sign of the Bitch I stupidly let my hopes get a little higher and a little higher. Unfortunately, mid-day, there she was.

I had been telling myself that it was okay, that I was okay, but kinda lost it the next day when a bunch of stupid little things happened all in a row. We were out to dinner and ran into a good friend whom I hadn't called after her son had an endoscopy and was feeling really shitty about that, and I just couldn't hold it together. I think it was a combo of period hormones, yet another failed cycle sadness, hot, tired, hungry (we were on vacation), and feeling guilty about my friend but I couldn't stop the tears from coming.

When we got back to internet land on Saturday I posted on the HA boards about the stupid Bitch showing up and got tears in my eyes at that point too. This cycle has hit me much harder than the previous ones. I feel like a third child is not in our cards after all, and that makes me sadder than I thought it would. I really do have a a pretty good life right now and I am super thankful for that (especially my two lovely boys) and for a long time I've told myself that if we don't have a third I will be okay. And I will. But now that that seems more of a reality it's making me sadder than I expected. I know there is still some hope, but we're officially back in IF territory now that we've been trying for over six months (seven cycles to be exact) and I'm well over 35. And I absolutely do not want twins so I'm not interested in clomid or injectibles. I think I will call my OB on Monday and see about scheduling the saline hysterogram she had offered last year, so that I can know if something is structurally wrong and then make the decision to fix it or not. But I don't know if I have it in me to go further than that.