Hope really is a little bitch.

I should really know by now NOT to do any 2ww symptom analyzing. It just doesn’t lead to good things for me.

This cycle I started feeling some cramps at 8dpo, and I noticed that it was a bit more slippery when I was inserting my progesterone, both of which happened when I got my BFP with A.

So of course the mind starts ticking…

A few days later, I noticed that my bbs were sore when I was going down the stairs at a decent clip. Hmmmmm, goes me.

Until I realized the next day that it was actually my chest that was sore, probably from some exercises I had done Friday that I wasn’t used to. The day after that I actually figured out that it’s my ribcage area that’s sore, I think from my underwire bra (I desperately need new ones, but keep saying to myself that I’ll get them AFTER I have the baby. Ha ha ha.)

So bye-bye to that symptom. But, my temp was still up, when it’s usually dropped to around my coverline by this point, still feeling crampy, still feeling slippery.

I had resolved to follow my usual (as of the last few cycles) no testing until I’m officially late.

But then I had to go to the grocery store and a pregnancy test just jumped into my basket. I tried to stop it, but it was a feisty little bugger.

Decided to use it the next morning (13dpo) to manage expectations. Because I really was getting my hopes up, and would rather get a negative now, if that’s the way the chips are going to fall, than have two more days to imagine and hope.

Thought about it falling asleep, who was I going to share the good news with first and how?

Except that when I got up and peed on said test, it was completely totally stark white. So barren that I couldn’t even *guess* as to the location of the putative second line. So much for good news to share. La la la I know that it’s early, but if I’m pregnant, based on past history there should at least be a shadow of a line.

So. I’ve actually been thinking about doing one hail mary IVF, since we’ve now had well over the 6 BFN cycles that would be required to label me as infertile given my “advanced maternal age”. Apparently it is covered by my insurance and I wouldn’t have to go through IUI cycles first.

I’m feeling quite a strong sense of déjà vu. Before we had kids I was all, “if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be, if not I’ll do other things with my life and that will be okay”. That is so easy to say when you think you’ll be getting pregnant lickety split. And I feel the same way now. A few months ago I had said to DH that I wasn’t interested in doing any kind of treatments this time around, if it’s not meant to be then it’s not, and our lives would probably be easier without a third child – but again, I’m finding that I’m not quite so blasé about the idea anymore. So now lets see if I convince him or the other way around.