Wednesday, April 06, 2011

My entry in this year's "Moron of the Year" contest

This happened a couple of weeks ago, but I thought y'all might get a kick out of it. I do in retrospect...

It all starts a few months ago - we let the kids play in the car on a fairly regular basis, it's in a garage so it's not going to go anywhere, and it's a great way to entertain them. Well, I guess the battery is getting old, so they managed to run it down a few times. We took it in for service and they confirmed that the battery was on its last legs - but we chose not to get it replaced, figuring we'd save some money by getting a few more months out of it. And down the slippery slope go, with mistake #1.

We had been away, and got home from FL Thursday night, so my plan was to let the boys play at home Friday am, then run some errands in the afternoon. They played in the car while I gathered up all the things we wanted / needed to bring with us on our errands, (mistake #2). A also got our portable battery (which I have used to jumpstart the car on multiple previous occasions, running down the battery is a thing with me) and they were playing with that too, using it's light to shine on things (mistake #3). So I finally get everything ready and go to start the car. No dice. Wasn't even turning over a tiny bit. So I think, "no biggie, I'll just use the portable battery". I go and hook that up, press the start button - the engine turns over, but not very healthily, and car won't start. BAH! So I think, "maybe we should just stay home." But, I see our neighbors across the street are home, so maybe I can get a jump from them. Mistake #4. I go over and check, and they do in fact have jumper cables. Cool! I say, "I'll just go push the car out, and meet you down here". I think, "Maybe I should ask for help?" but don't want to put them out. Mistake #5. So I go back up our driveway, hop in the drivers seat and try pushing with my foot to get the car backing out of the garage. Not enough traction. I hop back out, and hold onto A's door, using that for leverage. Works great! My plan is to get the car started, then hop back in. Mistake #6. I think you can probably get an inkling of where this is going... at the magical moment when the car has enough momentum I go to open the driver's door, but can't because it's right next to the garage door. holy fucking shit is what I'm thinking at this point.

And unfortunately, that was the last opportunity I had. At this point, the car is going faster and faster (our driveway is quite steeply sloped), and I just can't turn, open the door and hop in fast enough. So now I'm running next to the car, holding onto A's door trying with all my might to stop the damn thing and screaming, "NO NO NO NO NO NO". Down our driveway we trundle, across the road.... down through the neighbor's yard which also has a nice slope to it, I'm thinking, "I have a little more traction here, can I stop it?" I dig my heels in the best I can, but the answer is no, a 130lb woman against a two-ton car has no chance in hell. So *CRASH* we go, into our neighbor's house.

Fortunately, no-one was hurt, the car did not actually go INTO the house, more like just bounced off, so all in all it could have been way worse (like if a car was coming when we were zooming across the road!). But what a total complete bonehead move on my part!!!!! I swore in front of the kids for the first time ever, I couldn't stop myself from just saying "Fuck fuck fuck jesus christ fuck!" for about two minutes while T screamed (I was trying to get him out but couldn't open his door because it was in the bushes so ended up getting him out on A's side) T stopped crying shortly thereafter and I was able to control my potty mouth. My neighbor was so good about it, I apologized profusely about a thousand times!

It's all being covered by my car insurance, although I did have a moment's worry because I was not actually *driving* the car...

5 comments:

Josey said...

ROFLMAO - oh my God Nico - my jaw literally dropped and I busted out laughing at this. HOLLLLY shit. Glad everyone was okay, but I would've loved to see a Funniest Home Video of that scene. :)

ps, my catchpa is "carpe" ... hehehe

Yo-yo Mama said...

I don't know if that will earn you the title, but shit, girl! That'll get you in as a finalist at the minimum!!

Do NOT let your kids play in the car. If you can't say no, go buy one that doesn't have an engine or drive shaft, and park it in the garage and think of it as indoor play equipment. You'll spend less money.

So again: do not let your kids play in the car. Ever. They may not want to after that "joyride". I am so glad you all are OK!

Nico said...

Josey, my neighbor did say afterwards that we lost out on a million bucks because we didn't get it on video ;)

Ceejay said...

I would be so mortified, but this is totally hilarious! I'm glad it sounds like you have nice neighbors :).

Amanda said...

LOL read it again and still laughed out loud ;)