DD mentioned in a recent post how she was always the last one picked for teams through her school years.
Me too.
And as I was reading her post I was thinking about how my status in the social hierarchy during my early teen years has affected me through the rest of my life.
As a kid I was not particularly athletic, nor particularly popular. I had my friends, but we were definitely not the cool crowd - in fact, I often joke that I was a 'band geek'. I did go to music camp. My life was about academics, band, chorus, orchestra, small ensemble, and my friends who were mostly into the same things.
I was quite shy. An introvert. I moved to a new school when I was in third grade, and the teachers called my parents in; I wasn't playing with the other children during recess, but rather reading books.
I always wanted so desperately to fit in, to be cool, to be liked. Not to be laughed at. I was a late bloomer, and often got teased about it. In sixth grade I was standing next to the trash bin and one of the boys used me to bank a crumpled piece of paper off to 'score'. And then made a lovely joke about how I was flat enough to be a backboard. I got teased for my shoes - I had the velcro kind with cartoon characters on them, even in sixth grade. Never wore those again.
I didn't drink or go to parties, wasn't sexually active until late in high school. All of which meant that I was on the outside looking in. Another incident that will always stay with me was Halloween of sophomore year of high school; my little group of friends got together at my house, dressed up and went trick or treating. Of course we happened to go to the house of one of our classmates who was having a party - the laughter when he opened the door and saw us was particularly cruel.
I got used to being an observer. Wanting desperately to participate, but afraid to do so. Used to being left out, overlooked, picked last.
That feeling has stayed with me well into my adult years. I'm a lot less shy, have become athletic, have taken on plenty of leadership positions, and am well-liked in any group situation I'm in, I still have the fears of being left behind and laughed at.
Case in point - when I went to NYC to meet up with the two ladies I had met on the HA board. They have each flown cross-country to visit the other, so clearly know each other much better than I do. As we walked from the park where we had met up for lunch back to the trump towers for the babies' naps, I was totally anticipating them walking side by side, conversing with each other while I walked behind trying despearately to be part of it. To my surprise and pleasure, my fears were totally unfounded. Sometimes the three of us wuold talk, sometimes, me and L, or me and S, or S and L, but I didn't feel like a third wheel as I was totally expecting to.
Then this week I was at an offsite for work (my first nights away from Ant!). We had some unexpected free time on Wednesday afternoon, so a group of the 'cool' kids was going out for a drink. I asked them to wait for me while I ran up to my room, came back down anticipating that they would have left without me - but they were still there. Then we had a nice time, during which I was completely included in the conversation, and even some of the jokes and teasing that inevitably goes on in those situations.
So clearly I am not the social pariah that I once was, and most other people have grown out of the cliques of the high school era. But the innermost little girl in me is still so afraid!
How about you? Do you have any similar demons from middle and high school? If you were one of the popular crowd back then, do you have a different viewpoint on things, both then and now?
Showing posts with label Spew. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Spew. Show all posts
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
A sibling
I think about TTC#2 all the time.
I think about it when I go to the bathroom, I'm constantly checking the tp for any signs of CM. Which I have actually seen a couple of times in the last few weeks. Makes me hopeful.
I think about it when I'm deciding whether to have a snack or not. Trying very hard not to let myself fall back into my old pattern of restricting what I eat because I don't want to have the same non-ovulating problems again.
I think about it when I look in the mirror and see all my imperfections. And when I avoid the mirror because I'm not happy with what I see.
I think about it when I step on the scale.
I think about it when I see pregnant women. Who are everywhere. And as DD mentioned, when I see non-pregnant women wearing those stupid maternity clothes that are all the rage now.
I think about it when Ant does something particularly cute.
I think about it when I see my sister who is pg with number two - an oops. I wonder if I could ever be so lucky.
I also wonder if people who didn't have trouble conceiving their first child have this same all consuming obsession with the second. I know that M doesn't - I asked him the other day how often he thinks about a potential sibling for Ant, and he said about once a month. It honestly probably crosses my mind 10-20 times a day. And we're not even wanting to 'try' yet. How much worse is this going to be when we are ready?
I think about it when I go to the bathroom, I'm constantly checking the tp for any signs of CM. Which I have actually seen a couple of times in the last few weeks. Makes me hopeful.
I think about it when I'm deciding whether to have a snack or not. Trying very hard not to let myself fall back into my old pattern of restricting what I eat because I don't want to have the same non-ovulating problems again.
I think about it when I look in the mirror and see all my imperfections. And when I avoid the mirror because I'm not happy with what I see.
I think about it when I step on the scale.
I think about it when I see pregnant women. Who are everywhere. And as DD mentioned, when I see non-pregnant women wearing those stupid maternity clothes that are all the rage now.
I think about it when Ant does something particularly cute.
I think about it when I see my sister who is pg with number two - an oops. I wonder if I could ever be so lucky.
I also wonder if people who didn't have trouble conceiving their first child have this same all consuming obsession with the second. I know that M doesn't - I asked him the other day how often he thinks about a potential sibling for Ant, and he said about once a month. It honestly probably crosses my mind 10-20 times a day. And we're not even wanting to 'try' yet. How much worse is this going to be when we are ready?
Monday, June 25, 2007
Notes from the front
I'm bored with what we eat. And I'm looking for either quick and easy recipes that I can make at night after Ant has gone to bed, or things that make for good leftovers. I was thinking of doing a reprise of Jenn's virtual cookie exchange, for dinner recipes. What do you think? If you think its a good idea and would be interested in participating, let me know either in the comments or via email (noperiodbaby[at]comcastDOTnet).
After my declaration of a few weeks ago that I was quitting nursing NOW, things improved significantly. The biting subsided again, I now let down for the pump almost every time, and overall it's just a much less frustrating experience. I did switch over the afternoon feed to formula because that was really iffy with me getting home from work, and if his sitters fed him before I got home finding the time to pump just wasn't happening. I was very pleasantly surprised that he had no problem at all taking the formula. Although when I went to make it for him the first time I was a bit taken aback by the WARNING: breastmilk is best for your baby in large letters. Way to stick the knife in and *twist*. I can only imagine how hard that warning is to see for someone who wanted to breastfeed but wasn't able to.
I played golf for the first time since April 30 of last year, this past weekend. I had been planning on playing until I was 7-8 months, but the contractions starting at 25 weeks foiled that idea. It was so nice to get out there again (the in-laws babysat for us), and I was very pleasantly surprised at how well I played. I had two holes where I fell apart, but even with that I still shot a 108 where I was regularly shooting about 104-105 before last year. And, the weather was just perfect!
Finally, we had another fun day with my niece yesterday. We went over to my mom's house for the afternoon. Her husband decided to mow the lawn - they have a big piece of land, so he uses a ride-on mower. The kids thought it was better than sliced bread. My niece was out there first, and was squealing in delight every time he'd come around the corner, and then waving and waving at him every time he'd make a pass. Ant and I joined them out there after a little bit, and he found it just as entertaining. When he gets excited he waves his arms up and down and pumps his little legs - every time R would drive by Ant would be jumping up and down with glee. Us adults had a marvellous time watching the kids have a marvellous time. They definitely help make everything fun and new again.
After my declaration of a few weeks ago that I was quitting nursing NOW, things improved significantly. The biting subsided again, I now let down for the pump almost every time, and overall it's just a much less frustrating experience. I did switch over the afternoon feed to formula because that was really iffy with me getting home from work, and if his sitters fed him before I got home finding the time to pump just wasn't happening. I was very pleasantly surprised that he had no problem at all taking the formula. Although when I went to make it for him the first time I was a bit taken aback by the WARNING: breastmilk is best for your baby in large letters. Way to stick the knife in and *twist*. I can only imagine how hard that warning is to see for someone who wanted to breastfeed but wasn't able to.
I played golf for the first time since April 30 of last year, this past weekend. I had been planning on playing until I was 7-8 months, but the contractions starting at 25 weeks foiled that idea. It was so nice to get out there again (the in-laws babysat for us), and I was very pleasantly surprised at how well I played. I had two holes where I fell apart, but even with that I still shot a 108 where I was regularly shooting about 104-105 before last year. And, the weather was just perfect!
Finally, we had another fun day with my niece yesterday. We went over to my mom's house for the afternoon. Her husband decided to mow the lawn - they have a big piece of land, so he uses a ride-on mower. The kids thought it was better than sliced bread. My niece was out there first, and was squealing in delight every time he'd come around the corner, and then waving and waving at him every time he'd make a pass. Ant and I joined them out there after a little bit, and he found it just as entertaining. When he gets excited he waves his arms up and down and pumps his little legs - every time R would drive by Ant would be jumping up and down with glee. Us adults had a marvellous time watching the kids have a marvellous time. They definitely help make everything fun and new again.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
I always knew those sci.en.tol.ogists were crazy!
My Aunt and Uncle are Sc.ient.ologists. They moved to the US fifteen years ago or so to teach at a Sc.ient.ology school out in the northwest. I didn't really know much about the teachings of that 'religion' until we went to visit them a couple of years ago. They gave us a tour of the school, and explained some of the theory and practice of how they go about teaching the children.
It's a very self-directed method of study. Each unit has a packet that the kids work through - reading about the topic at hand, and then using various media to demonstrate understanding. For a history topic, for example, the child would read a chapter, then perhaps make a series of clay models of the seminal events. We watched some of the kids at work, they all had their dictionaries out as they were doing their reading, and had all kinds of tools at their disposal for creating their models. Once the unit is complete, the child takes a test, when they are ready for it. If they don't get 100%, they have to go back and repeat the lesson until they do.
I thought that it was an interesting method of education. I may not agree with everything they were doing, and it certainly won't work for all children (in my opinion), but I did feel that they had some worthwhile ideas.
So, when my uncle sent me a little pamphlet called "Children" from the sci.ent.ology book collection, I figured it couldn't hurt to give it a read. And truly, I do think that it had some points worth considering. For example, a lot of people will say to a child "you're fine, you're okay" when they fall down and hurt themselves. The sci method suggests instead asking the child what happened, and having them tell you a couple of times, asking questions about the incident, until they feel better and are able to move on. I can see the reason behind that - we don't actually know how the child feels, and telling them they're fine (in effect, you're silly for crying) is in some ways belittling their experience. Another example - letting the child do whatever he/she would like to with their toys, including breaking them. Why should we impose our methods of play, our strictures, on our child? If they want to play so hard with a toy that it gets broken, why not? Again, we are teaching the child, by not letting them truly own their toys, that they are not in control, not in charge.
Towards the end of the pamphlet, there's a little section on baby care. I read through this too, even though it was for babies much younger than Ant is now. I got to a part that was talking about what to do if your baby is crying. It suggests that if the baby has just been fed, so you know it's not hungry, has been changed, has had a nap so you know it's not wet or tired, that you should look for other reasons that it might be crying.
Like a pin, or a piece of coal in the crib.
Yes, you read that correctly. I was so surprised I almost fell out of the chair. I figured that it must be a really old pamphlet, published in the 1850's or something like that (yes, I know that Sci.en.tology didn't start until the mid-twentieth century or so). So I checked the copywrite date. 1994 and 2000!!!! The only thing I can think is that someone was playing a huge joke. Or trying to see how many people would actually read the pamphlet.
It's a very self-directed method of study. Each unit has a packet that the kids work through - reading about the topic at hand, and then using various media to demonstrate understanding. For a history topic, for example, the child would read a chapter, then perhaps make a series of clay models of the seminal events. We watched some of the kids at work, they all had their dictionaries out as they were doing their reading, and had all kinds of tools at their disposal for creating their models. Once the unit is complete, the child takes a test, when they are ready for it. If they don't get 100%, they have to go back and repeat the lesson until they do.
I thought that it was an interesting method of education. I may not agree with everything they were doing, and it certainly won't work for all children (in my opinion), but I did feel that they had some worthwhile ideas.
So, when my uncle sent me a little pamphlet called "Children" from the sci.ent.ology book collection, I figured it couldn't hurt to give it a read. And truly, I do think that it had some points worth considering. For example, a lot of people will say to a child "you're fine, you're okay" when they fall down and hurt themselves. The sci method suggests instead asking the child what happened, and having them tell you a couple of times, asking questions about the incident, until they feel better and are able to move on. I can see the reason behind that - we don't actually know how the child feels, and telling them they're fine (in effect, you're silly for crying) is in some ways belittling their experience. Another example - letting the child do whatever he/she would like to with their toys, including breaking them. Why should we impose our methods of play, our strictures, on our child? If they want to play so hard with a toy that it gets broken, why not? Again, we are teaching the child, by not letting them truly own their toys, that they are not in control, not in charge.
Towards the end of the pamphlet, there's a little section on baby care. I read through this too, even though it was for babies much younger than Ant is now. I got to a part that was talking about what to do if your baby is crying. It suggests that if the baby has just been fed, so you know it's not hungry, has been changed, has had a nap so you know it's not wet or tired, that you should look for other reasons that it might be crying.
Like a pin, or a piece of coal in the crib.
Yes, you read that correctly. I was so surprised I almost fell out of the chair. I figured that it must be a really old pamphlet, published in the 1850's or something like that (yes, I know that Sci.en.tology didn't start until the mid-twentieth century or so). So I checked the copywrite date. 1994 and 2000!!!! The only thing I can think is that someone was playing a huge joke. Or trying to see how many people would actually read the pamphlet.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
In-laws!
My in-laws just got back from FL. Came over today to see Ant, as they've been missing him terribly. I've sent lots of pictures and videos, but it's just not the same.
They're going to be looking after him two days a week through the summer, while I'm at work. Which will be really nice, it's getting tougher and tougher to complete my 8 hours while I'm at home.
I invited them to come up for lunch today, to start showing them a bit of Ant's new routine, as things are quite different now than they were when they left three months ago. I started feeding him lunch, then Nana took over. We got to the second course of prunes, and Nana said "Prunes - Yeuch!". Great. The kid loves his prunes - I realy don't need someone putting their food likes and dislikes onto him. I immediately chimed in with "we don't say Yuck - prunes are yummy!" (In fact, I will finish off the last little bits sometimes, and they really aren't bad at all). A little while later a friend of hers called and she was describing the lunch, and said "prunes, yuck" again, and once again I responded that we don't say Yuck. I *hope* she got the hint!!!
I do not eat any fruits, and my repertoire of vegetables is also quite limited, so it's going to be tough enough as it is to get him to eat well when I really don't. I hope that I don't end up regretting this child care scenario.
They're going to be looking after him two days a week through the summer, while I'm at work. Which will be really nice, it's getting tougher and tougher to complete my 8 hours while I'm at home.
I invited them to come up for lunch today, to start showing them a bit of Ant's new routine, as things are quite different now than they were when they left three months ago. I started feeding him lunch, then Nana took over. We got to the second course of prunes, and Nana said "Prunes - Yeuch!". Great. The kid loves his prunes - I realy don't need someone putting their food likes and dislikes onto him. I immediately chimed in with "we don't say Yuck - prunes are yummy!" (In fact, I will finish off the last little bits sometimes, and they really aren't bad at all). A little while later a friend of hers called and she was describing the lunch, and said "prunes, yuck" again, and once again I responded that we don't say Yuck. I *hope* she got the hint!!!
I do not eat any fruits, and my repertoire of vegetables is also quite limited, so it's going to be tough enough as it is to get him to eat well when I really don't. I hope that I don't end up regretting this child care scenario.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Nursing notes
I used to be in the camp of people saying "once a child can ask to nurse, they're too old". Now that I am a nursing mother myself, I am definitely finding myself re-evaluating that attitude. Partly from reading comments on other blogs (Jenn was discussing nursing at one point, and one of her commenters very astutely asked WHY a child is too old once they can ask for it - a question to which I have no good answer), partly from reading things like the WHO's recommendation that children nurse until at least age two, and partly from my own experience. I was intitally planning on breastfeeding for six months and most likely weaning at that point. But I got to six months and saw no reason to stop, as it was going perfectly well, and how could I deprive my child of the nutrition and benefits of breastmilk for, really, no good reason? (I am NOT judging anyone who stops BFing at any point, for whatever reason. I just didn't feel I had a reason to stop that I felt comfortable with.)
My only dilemma comes from the fact that we'd like to start trying for a second munchkin when Ant is around 14 months old. I am pretty certain that I will not see any hide or hair of the crimson bitch until I stop nursing. My theory is that HA is partly due to a system that is much more sensitive than normal to hormone levels, so the elevation of prolactin and decrease in e2 due to nursing will most likely suppress my system until I stop nursing. (Hopefully NOT thereafter! Pretty please.) But that means that I will need to decide to stop nursing in order to attempt conception. And I'm having a lot harder time with that idea than I ever imagined.
Then again, I've been having much more trouble with my supply in recent weeks than I had before. Well, not my supply necessarily, but more my ability to access my supply. I used to let down equally well for pumping as for nursing, within about 30 sec of starting either. More recently I have had a number of pumping sessions where I have not let down at all, despite feeling relatively full, which means that I only manage to pump 2-3 oz, instead of the 5-6 that I normally get. And on occasion it's taken as long as 4-5 minutes for me to let down when Ant is suckling. I did notice some CM for the very first time since Ant was born, so I wonder if in fact my hormones are shifting a bit. I've tried the looking at your baby's picture, thinking about them method - I'm just so non-sentimental that things like that really don't do it for me. Even his cry doesn't set me off. I've tried shaking the old knockers, stroking and massaging as recommended on kellymom, to no effect. I've even tried sucking myself. Yes that was probably as funny as you imagine. I was desperate though! So now I just get out as much as I can and call it a day. But I do wonder if this is the beginning of a forced end? I'm trying to keep it up by pumping 2x while I'm gone, with him only eating once, and that has been working okay for now, but barely. Any suggestions?
My only dilemma comes from the fact that we'd like to start trying for a second munchkin when Ant is around 14 months old. I am pretty certain that I will not see any hide or hair of the crimson bitch until I stop nursing. My theory is that HA is partly due to a system that is much more sensitive than normal to hormone levels, so the elevation of prolactin and decrease in e2 due to nursing will most likely suppress my system until I stop nursing. (Hopefully NOT thereafter! Pretty please.) But that means that I will need to decide to stop nursing in order to attempt conception. And I'm having a lot harder time with that idea than I ever imagined.
Then again, I've been having much more trouble with my supply in recent weeks than I had before. Well, not my supply necessarily, but more my ability to access my supply. I used to let down equally well for pumping as for nursing, within about 30 sec of starting either. More recently I have had a number of pumping sessions where I have not let down at all, despite feeling relatively full, which means that I only manage to pump 2-3 oz, instead of the 5-6 that I normally get. And on occasion it's taken as long as 4-5 minutes for me to let down when Ant is suckling. I did notice some CM for the very first time since Ant was born, so I wonder if in fact my hormones are shifting a bit. I've tried the looking at your baby's picture, thinking about them method - I'm just so non-sentimental that things like that really don't do it for me. Even his cry doesn't set me off. I've tried shaking the old knockers, stroking and massaging as recommended on kellymom, to no effect. I've even tried sucking myself. Yes that was probably as funny as you imagine. I was desperate though! So now I just get out as much as I can and call it a day. But I do wonder if this is the beginning of a forced end? I'm trying to keep it up by pumping 2x while I'm gone, with him only eating once, and that has been working okay for now, but barely. Any suggestions?
Friday, April 20, 2007
Okay, so it was just a pit stop.
It turns out that even though it hasn't been that long since I 'quit' blogging, I'm missing it already. I've found myself going through my archives on more than one occasion, and I really like reading again about what I was thinking or feeling at any particular moment. So I'm going to pick it up again. I've got lots of things floating around in my head that I'm going to spew for the next few days.
#1: A new neighbor just moved in next door. She's probably in her early forties. And introduced herself to me as "Scooter". I feel really wierd calling a grown woman I barely know Scooter. Is it just me?
#2: I love watching Ant learn new things. He's working on crawling at the moment. He was pushing himself backwards last week, this week he's getting up onto his hands and knees much better (depending on the amount of purchase on the surface he's on). Every day it seems like he's a little closer. I always wondered how they figured these things out.
#3: I always thought (without really thinking about it, if you know what I mean) that milestones were black and white. Can your baby sit by himself or can't he? Can he walk or not? Now I see how grey those milestones really are. Ant could sit unsupported at 6 months. But he would still topple quite frequently. Now he's much more stable, but does still fall over occasionally, although it's much slower and more controlled. Generally. And he certainly can't walk by himself, but at the same time, with one of us holding his hands to balance him, he can motor around at a surprising speed, clearly putting one foot in front of the other of his own accord.
#4: I am falling apart! My left knee has been bugging me for a while, clicking when I get up from kneeling, or when I tried to ride my bike a few weeks ago. I've been seeing a PT, but it's not helping, in fact I think it's gotten worse. I definitely feel more pain when I kneel or squat. Ugh. I need my knees! I've also had repetitive stress injury in my wrists in the past from pipetting and typing. And in the last few days it's gotten really bad, I think from picking up, holding, and balancing Ant. I have some braces to wear, but it's hard to do much of anything with them on. Double ugh. And then there's my diastasis which still isn't 100% healed. Ah, to be a teenager again!
#5: I never knew how much time I would spend on the floor with a kid. The latest is holding him while he walks around - there's the bent over at the waist position, which hurts my back pretty quickly. There's the moving around on my knees, but that hurts even more (see #4). And then there's my patented ass-walk. I sit behind him, with one leg out to each side, and then wiggle my bum from side to side to scooch forward as he takes his steps. Boy, is our floor clean these days. Good thing too, as picking up a mop is something that just does not seem to fit into the schedule.
#1: A new neighbor just moved in next door. She's probably in her early forties. And introduced herself to me as "Scooter". I feel really wierd calling a grown woman I barely know Scooter. Is it just me?
#2: I love watching Ant learn new things. He's working on crawling at the moment. He was pushing himself backwards last week, this week he's getting up onto his hands and knees much better (depending on the amount of purchase on the surface he's on). Every day it seems like he's a little closer. I always wondered how they figured these things out.
#3: I always thought (without really thinking about it, if you know what I mean) that milestones were black and white. Can your baby sit by himself or can't he? Can he walk or not? Now I see how grey those milestones really are. Ant could sit unsupported at 6 months. But he would still topple quite frequently. Now he's much more stable, but does still fall over occasionally, although it's much slower and more controlled. Generally. And he certainly can't walk by himself, but at the same time, with one of us holding his hands to balance him, he can motor around at a surprising speed, clearly putting one foot in front of the other of his own accord.
#4: I am falling apart! My left knee has been bugging me for a while, clicking when I get up from kneeling, or when I tried to ride my bike a few weeks ago. I've been seeing a PT, but it's not helping, in fact I think it's gotten worse. I definitely feel more pain when I kneel or squat. Ugh. I need my knees! I've also had repetitive stress injury in my wrists in the past from pipetting and typing. And in the last few days it's gotten really bad, I think from picking up, holding, and balancing Ant. I have some braces to wear, but it's hard to do much of anything with them on. Double ugh. And then there's my diastasis which still isn't 100% healed. Ah, to be a teenager again!
#5: I never knew how much time I would spend on the floor with a kid. The latest is holding him while he walks around - there's the bent over at the waist position, which hurts my back pretty quickly. There's the moving around on my knees, but that hurts even more (see #4). And then there's my patented ass-walk. I sit behind him, with one leg out to each side, and then wiggle my bum from side to side to scooch forward as he takes his steps. Boy, is our floor clean these days. Good thing too, as picking up a mop is something that just does not seem to fit into the schedule.
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