Sunday, March 20, 2011

Glum

I've completely given up on taking pregnancy tests, I got totally sick of seeing that stark whiteness every time. I just wait until the stupid crimson bitch shows up. Which, when I'm on progesterone as I have been on all the cycles I've "tried" in a while, usually happens at 14-15dpo. Last cycle it was at 14, which was good because my birthday was at 15dpo so I had a day to get over it and not ruin my birthday. This cycle, 14dpo came and went. Every time I went to the bathroom and there was no sign of the Bitch I stupidly let my hopes get a little higher and a little higher. Unfortunately, mid-day, there she was.

I had been telling myself that it was okay, that I was okay, but kinda lost it the next day when a bunch of stupid little things happened all in a row. We were out to dinner and ran into a good friend whom I hadn't called after her son had an endoscopy and was feeling really shitty about that, and I just couldn't hold it together. I think it was a combo of period hormones, yet another failed cycle sadness, hot, tired, hungry (we were on vacation), and feeling guilty about my friend but I couldn't stop the tears from coming.

When we got back to internet land on Saturday I posted on the HA boards about the stupid Bitch showing up and got tears in my eyes at that point too. This cycle has hit me much harder than the previous ones. I feel like a third child is not in our cards after all, and that makes me sadder than I thought it would. I really do have a a pretty good life right now and I am super thankful for that (especially my two lovely boys) and for a long time I've told myself that if we don't have a third I will be okay. And I will. But now that that seems more of a reality it's making me sadder than I expected. I know there is still some hope, but we're officially back in IF territory now that we've been trying for over six months (seven cycles to be exact) and I'm well over 35. And I absolutely do not want twins so I'm not interested in clomid or injectibles. I think I will call my OB on Monday and see about scheduling the saline hysterogram she had offered last year, so that I can know if something is structurally wrong and then make the decision to fix it or not. But I don't know if I have it in me to go further than that.

9 comments:

Amanda said...

I'm so so sorry Nico. You're such a strong person, and are always there for us on the HA board, so it's ok to be emotional about all this! Let it out :)

Don't give up hope just yet. I truly believe you will get your third baby that you're meant to have. It's just a matter of time.

Hopefully your OB agrees to proceed with a little more investigating.

((HUGS))

Josey said...

Ugh, hang in there Nico. That glum feeling overtakes us all at times. Keep on keepin' on...

sarah (SHU) said...

argh, so frustrating. and i know exactly what you mean about the stark whiteness since i am a POAS addict. although waiting for AF to arrive really doesn't sound all that much more fun.

re: the post below, thank you for the tag! i am definitely going to whip that out this week. and for the record, i think you'd be an amaaaaazing RE!! but, admittedly i am not sure i would go through med school/residency/fellowship again esp with kids in the picture. but if you ever have any medical training related ?s, let me know!

ps: i also am making it a career goal to raise awareness of HA. in fact i have fantasies of giving a conference featuring the de souza papers to our group and presenting my own case study! but i want to be pregnant first . . .

Seeming Normal said...

I'm so sorry Nico. Your blog post was really touching and incredibly expressive. The emotional roller coaster of this whole thing is awful. On top of that, the subject of infertility is so hush hush which makes the emotions even harder to deal with. Keep blogging and posting and know that we all understand.

Ceejay said...

Nico, I'm so sorry to hear it's really been hitting you recently. I don't see any reason why you shouldn't be able to get pregnant again! I've been hoping for you so badly every cycle. And 35 is no magic drop-off into never-never land of infertility. Nothing has fundamentally changed in your body just because you hit that so-called milestone!

Susannah said...

Nico, so sorry about stupid AF and these frustrations. I think you have a great attitude, and it is okay to want something even when you are grateful for what you already have. But hey...you conceived naturally TWICE after 5 failed IUIs so I definitely wouldn't give up hope yet. Thanks for all of your support on the HAboard. You have really helped so many women and you should be proud of that.

Anonymous said...

Hi Nico... I'm so sorry. You have an incredible amount of strength in you. But sometimes we all feel beaten down by this long long road.

I believe it will happen for you. Maybe just like DS #1 while you are waiting for IVF! Keep up the good fight. And just so you know, even though you aren't an RE I've gotten more help and information from you than any MD I've visited! You would be a fantastic RE... if it's in the cards for you to get the degree, that would be awesome. But if not, know that you are already making a real difference in people's lives.

Hugs...Loralei

barfingrainbowsandunicorns said...

I'm so sorry Nico. I really think it's just a matter of time, too - but I know how when you're in the middle of it, it feels like it's never going to happen. I'm sorry that it's hitting you so hard. Thinking of you.

MsPrufrock said...

I've never been able to understand why some cycles are harder than others, or why you're able to come to terms with the idea of no more kids on some days, but at other times that concept is soul-destroying. It's some stupid shit, I know that.