Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Despite my firm conviction from the time my e2 dropped precipitously through my negative HPTs, that there was no chance that I was pregnant after my IUI, it still hit me like a ton of bricks when that result was confirmed. Unfortunately, failure has been a common thread amongst IUIers over the past month, with similar ensuing devastation (okay, devastation may be going a bit too far). Even though we do our best not to get our hopes up, somehow it seems impossible not to. The everlasting resilence of the human spirit. Or something.

I realized mid last week that there were two reasons this failure hit me so hard. First, although I wasn't expecting to get pregnant right away, I had been imagining that at this point I'd have been trying for six months, which is the amount of time it takes regular folk fertile myrtyles your average crack whore to get pregnant, so it was pretty reasonable for me to expect to be at this point. Not counting on cysts or dim-witted doctors or mutant sperm or the natural cussedness of the universe, of course.

Second, I'd started giving up. Baby-making the regular way went out the window a long time ago, when my stupid body forgot how to ovulate. Step one down. No Clomid for me - stupid body doesn't know how to make estrogen. Step two out of the way. So now I'm on step three (gonadotropins), and after three failures here, people usually move on to IVF. So I'm at the end of that road. With three out of four steps down the tubes (yes, pun intended. Bad one, I know.) I was already giving up on success with IVF. And after IVF there was nothing, because M had said that he did not want to pursue any other options, such as surrogacy or adoption.

Once I realized that I was feeling so incredibly sad because I was envisioning a future without any child(ren) at all, I decided I should talk to M about it. He'd been really worried about me, and kept asking if there was anything he could do to make me feel better. So rather than continuing down the bleak road I was on, I told him what I was thinking. He still thinks I'm being way overly dramatic and that we still have a lot of options to try, but did say that he would be willing to consider other paths if ART doesn't work for us. Which gave me back the future I'd imagined.

So I'm still a bit sad from time to time, I hate that I'm back on bcp again (especially because I've gained three pounds in as many days although definitely not eating nearly enough food to do that), but overall I've regained a sense of hope for the future. We're going to try another IUI or two, then if those don't work, IVF in January when my insurance will cover it. (Notice I said if, not when the IUI's don't work... trying for a bit of optimism!)

13 comments:

S. said...

I wish the best for you, Nico. I only have an inkling of what you're going through since it took 6 months for me to even get AF to show (haven't had to pursue IVF or other options).
It's good that M is there for you and is opening up to the idea of other options. It helped me to vent to J over the past few months if for no other reason than just to get it out!
I'm keeping my hopes up for you!

Kim said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Kim said...

I'm glad you've got your hope back. I hope she behaves herself and stays put until that magic day when you are actually going to have a baby.

Because you will.

Until then I'll be waiting here with you.

Ova Girl said...

Great to have that conversation and open up the possibility of other options.I also think it's good that you have a plan from now till Jan.

I'm also wishing the best for you.

thalia said...

Nico, Sounds like a good conversation. Well done for bringing up the difficult stuff, and for getting to a plan - and a plan B! Thinking of you.

Molly said...

It's sad when you hit the 6-month mark. Each month that passes after that reminds you of how abnormal you are.

I'm glad you've got a plan. Like many other women have said, it helps you keep your chin up when you've got something to look forward to.

Dooneybug said...

Stay positive Nico, stay positive.

Katie (WannaBeMom) said...

I think it's great to have a plan--It's what my mother always suggested: "Give it until X date," she'd say, "and if it doesn't work/feel better/change, make a new plan." So I am hope alive for you and I am thinking of you!

Emma B. said...

I'm also a big believer in having a plan, even if it's just "... and then we will TALK about alternatives". I don't think you can even know how you'll feel about it until you get there, but it helps to know that it's still on the table.

I'm glad you're flirting with Hope again -- it's hard to be completely not on speaking terms, even if she is a total bitch sometimes.

k #2 said...

That is exactly what I went through. DH wouldn't listen to adoption talk and basically said "I'm fine if I never have kids." Well, I am not and couldn't bring myself to say it outloud for fear of losing all control of myself and never be able to come back!!!

Well, ironically enough, it is DH who brings up adoption and the next step discussion. I think men need more time to think about these fertility issues. Boys are raised to think about having kids like we girls are.

Glad that hope is back! May it stay around for quite some time!

elle said...

Very excellent that you talked to M about it. IF makes life so difficult, there is no reason to keep your feelings to yourself - I have learned the hard way it doesn't help DH or me. I know what you mean about the IUIs & feeling like "what could possibly work?" I hope the next one has your name on it.

Mari said...

Nico - Thankyou for posting how you feel, you really have a way with words. I'm sorry that this last IUI didn't work for you.
It is always good to have a plan because to me if helps knowing what the next steps will be.

Clomid Prescription Information said...

My name is Holly Lem and i would like to show you my personal experience with Clomid.

I am 28 years old. I got preg first time on my own & miscarried. after a while of trying, my dr put me on clomid. after the first round i got pregnant & miscarried. i decided not to try or think about it at all probably for a 9 months... right around the time baby would be due & then started trying again. after a few months got back on clomid. after 5 months and no pregnancy i'm giving it a rest again. it's to much disappointment. i'm going to give it a try again soon, in the mean time we're keeping our fingers crossed for the old fashioned way to work.

I have experienced some of these side effects-
HOT FLASHES, moody, cry easily, weight gain, headaches etc!!

I hope this information will be useful to others,
Holly Lem