Thursday, August 11, 2005

Fallout

I had a really crappy day yesterday. Bookended by people telling me that I need to "just relax". HA! (Sorry, this is really long and rambly, I have lots of things to get off my chest).

Woke up, took my temperature. It was 97.7 on Monday, 97.5 yesterday. I.E. not up at all. ARGH! So I decided to go into the clinic and have them take my blood to check my progesterone level which they had done for me in my first cycle to find out if I ovulated or not. Doesn't help that I had a nasty dream where I was a medical miracle - the first person every to conceive inside her ovary, because my follicles didn't burst but somehow the sperm managed to get in there anyway.

I tried to call ahead to the clinic so they could have the forms ready for me when I arrived, but they never actually let you speak to a real person so I left a voice mail for the nurse, but just went in anyway. When I got there they were completely confused as to what to do. The receptionist said he would get the paperwork done for me, but then sat there at the desk for another fifteen minutes, doing heaven knows what, and ignoring me. Then the phlebotomist left. I tried to stop her, saying I needed to get my blood drawn, but Mr. Receptionist said I'd have to go to a different floor. okay. Tears start.

(I have never ever been this emotionally fragile in my whole life!)

After another ten minutes or so, the nurse calls me into the back. She starts telling me, "Oh, we don't need to draw blood until sixteen days after your IUI, if you haven't gotten your period". I try to explain to her that I want to know if I ovulated or not. She asks me what we would do if I haven't - answer is nothing. I just want to KNOW. More tears.

She was really sweet, gave me a hug, and took me into the back room to look at my records with me. She spent over half an hour talking to me, which honestly, was what I needed. That's something I've really missed - it would be really great to have a half hour appointment set up in the middle of the cycle just to talk about how things are going, and what the plans are. I hate being in the dark and not understanding what's being done and why. She told me that I need to just be a patient, and let the doctors be the doctors. She does have a point. BUT it's really hard to do that when I feel like the doctors fucked up. Then she segued into telling me that I really need to relax, and give this a chance to work. HAHAHAHAHA. She did mean it in the nicest possible way, but still.

And I also found out that MY doctor is on vacation. Which is why Dr. Business was making decisions about my treatment. I wish I had known that!

Mom and sis came over last night for dinner. More of Mom fussing over sis and basically ignoring me.

Then just before bed I was telling M about what had happened in the morning, and he too told me that I just need to relax. I know that it's really hard for him to see me so sad like this, and he keeps saying that he wants to help and that I should talk to him, but I just don't know what to say. I can't explain why I'm so upset. Except to you guys who understand all too well.

So I went to bed totally depressed, yet more tears.

I woke up this morning having had another dream - I was in the hospital, and delivered a beautiful baby girl. She was lying on my stomach, I was teaching her to feed, and telling her how much I loved her and that everything would be okay.

Maybe it will be. Maybe I do need to stop worrying so much.

8 comments:

Dooneybug said...

Nico - I'm sorry this is so hard. The temp. thing drives me crazy as well. I wish I could stop temping but it's an obsession, you know?

I really hope the doctor didn't screw up. That's the last thing you need. I have a hard time letting doctors be doctors because I don't believe they have my best interests at heart. I mean how could they when they have so many patients? Of course, that's just little 'ol cynical me.

You're gonna get through this no matter what the outcome. Just take care of your heart!

reprogirl said...

Yeah, I think you should stop worrying so much and just relax.

kidding kidding kidding!!!

People telling you things, no matter how well meant it is and I know a lot of the time it is, it's like telling someone whose leg got blown off "why don't you just walk?" Things have happened to you. You have feelings as a consequence of those things. They are your feelings and you are allowed to have them. Of course you are worried and stressed out; this is a highly worrying and stressful experience.

I liked the part about your dream with the baby. I hope that comes true.

D. said...

I hate the just relax statement. It didn't work for my fertility and it's not working for my adoption. I'm thinking of you and hoping the rest of your week goes better.

Laurie said...

I'm so sorry. :( I'm glad she was being nice about it, but really, anyone who says to "just relax" should be taken out back and shot. :(

S. said...

Nico - rough way to end the week. Sorry to hear things are such a struggle.

I'm sure it doesn't seem like much of a positive thing, but at least the nurse talked with you for more than 5 minutes. She *made* the time for you, which doesn't seem to happen very often anywhere.

You've made it through so much, already. I'm sure that you'll be able to get through this.

S. said...

BTW, can you send your email addy to me again. :)
I did some "organizing" in my Outlook and can't find it anymore.
TIA.

k #2 said...

I am impressed the nurse talked to you for a half hour. I love all the staff at my RE's office -- they are all so sweet, but I still feel like I am the "annoying" patient always calling with worries.

I have never even temped -- since I have never ovulated on my own. RE has never suggested that I temp so I haven't. Maybe that is a good thing - one less thing for me to obsess over!

If ONE more person says "just relax"....augh!!! Obviously, they have never dealt with IF! Hang in there.

elle said...

Nico-

So sorry about your week. Mine wasn't nearly as bad as yours, but on the subway this am I started crying too (to RE appt, had forgotten my test results at home!). So you are not emotionally fragile - you are like a rock, at least compared to me. Hang in there, you are a tough cookie.