Tuesday, October 25, 2005

I'm an Aunt!

My sister had a beautiful baby girl, Samantha, at 11:18pm last night.

When I found out, I totally lost it.

Mom and I had gone down to the hospital at around 6 in the evening. Sis was having contractions about 2-3 minutes apart, in some pain, but overall not doing too badly. They had started at around 7am and progressed steadily since then. Her DH left for a while when we arrived to get something to eat, and to make calls to various other family members, so Mom and I sat and watched the contraction monitor and baby's heart-rate monitor with rapt attention. So cool! Oh, and we held sis's hand and gave her back rubs and the like as well. When DH returned, it was our turn to go and have a bite.

We got back up to the room at 7:30, and they had just given her the epidural. A CSC epidural which acts almost immediately - no 20 minute wait for this doctor! Worked like a charm for a few minutes, but then she started feeling uncomfortable (as if she had to poop) and getting pains in her back side. The doctor had also examined her just before we came back, and said she was only 2-3 cm dilated (what she had been at her 5:30 exam). The nurses said that based on how dilated she was, and how little she was progressing, she wouldn't be giving birth until the morning. So we hung around until about 10, then she started napping, and we figured we'd go back to her house and nap too.

So we went 'home', had a cuppa tea, and headed to bed. Almost 11 by this time. An hour later the phone rang, and DH said "Nico, you're an Aunt!" (As opposed to an uncle which I would have been were it a boy ;-). So we headed back to the hospital. Me crying almost the entire way.

I was happy. No doubt about it. But at the same time, I felt SO left out. I was left out of the whole pregnancy, which we were supposed to do together, and now I wasn't there when she had the baby, which was the only part I could really participate in. Couldn't stop crying. We got to the hospital and went back upstairs, I was managing to hold myself together, but barely. When we saw sis and Sami, I totally lost it. So Mom took care of Sami while sis took care of me. Not the other way round.

Apparently the doctor *finally* came in to check her at 11pm, and said "whoa, you're at 10 cm! Push!" So there was no time for DH to call us. The baby was out fifteen minutes later! So apparently the pains she had been feeling were because the baby was coming down so fast, not, as one nurse had suggested, because the baby was on her back.

Sis was totally apologetic, which I told her was ridiculous. NOT her fault. It was the stupid doctor who didn't bother to check on her for over three hours. I'm so very sad that I missed out on seeing Sam take her first breath, and first cry. Like I said, it was something that I had been thinking I would be part of, and then that was taken away from me as well.

I had called M to tell him that we're Aunts just before we went upstairs, and couldn't really do it without the 'I'm about to cry' voice. You know what I mean. So he asked what was wrong and I said I would tell him later. When we got back to the house a few hours later I called him to talk. SO not helpful. You all know what I needed - I needed him to tell me that he understood, that it sucked, that it wasn't fair, and to comfort me. Instead he tried to explain to me how I was silly to feel the way I did. Thank you so very very much. Way to make me feel better! Nico, you're really being a bitch for feeling the way you do, can't you just be happy? Argh!

And like I said, it's not at all that I'm not happy. I am. Spent a few hours cuddling with Sami while sis slept this morning, she's a treasure. But it doesn't make me feel any less cheated. Of any of it.


April said...

Honey, I am sorry. It sucked, and it isn't fair. You didn't deserve it.

My thoughts are with you right now.

S. said...

Nico, sorry it didn't work out the way you had hoped. Keeping my hopes up for you!

Lisa said...

Totally understand - did it twice. Unfortunately, only those in our situation can understand. Sorry your husband wasn't more supportive.

pixi said...

This post really got to me. And I completely understand your mixed emotions. Last year my 24-year-old unmarried sister had a baby, 6 weeks after my 2nd miscarriage. While part of me was thrilled at the arrival of my new niece (hell, I LOVE babies), it was also very tough. I love my sister. She's still quite young and needs a lot of support. But she also spends quite a lot of time complaining how hard she has it. I do my best to hold my tongue and try not to dwell on the unfairness of it. But it is tough.

I'm sorry it was so hard for you. I can tell you want to be (and are) happy, too. It's just rotten (and completely understandable) that our reproductive problems overshadow the joy of these events. Yet another thing that we're being robbed of, I guess.

Well here's to hoping that come January, Sami will have a cousin on the way.

pixi said...

Oops, just looked back, & now I remember that you're awaiting results of an IUI, no? Sorry, I'm a bit of a newcomer - still getting caught up. In anycase, I hope you're on your way to mommyhood v. v. soon!!

elle said...

That sucks! So sorry you missed it & sorry too no love from DH. That "chin up" attitude - not helping! But - very very happy for you, AUntie!

Laurie said...

I know exactly what you're saying. Last year BIL/SIL had their first baby as we were in the middle of injections for our second IVF. We all had started TTC the same month. SIL and I wanted to be pg together. They had 2 mc's and we couldn't get pg at all. So when their baby was born, I sobbed when we got the phone call. I'm ashamed to say it wasn't even happy sobbing. It was gutwrenching, sorry-for-myself sobbing. I love my niece to pieces, and did that day, but it was very painful to go there and see their happiness and knowing deep down that we would never have a moment like that. (Thanks to the miracles of medical science, we finally did have that moment, but at the time I was sure it would never happen.) I tried so hard to smile at the hospital, and it was very hard. Luckily, if anyone understood, it was my SIL, because her sisters/sisters-in-law were all having babies when they were having their mc's. But what was most upsetting was when we got to my in-laws' house later (my niece was born on July 4 and there was a holiday picnic planned at my in-laws' house that day), I was in the bathroom and I heard MIL say to DH, "I know you guys are hurting but you need to be happy for P. and L. too." To me that was even more hurtful because (1) she assumed we weren't grown-up enough to be happy for them without her telling us to be, and (2) she seemed to think that that day would be LESS painful in our infertility journey instead of MORE painful, no matter how happy for them we might be. (Hmmm...I seem to still be grumbling about it more than a year later!) It's hard not to think about what you want so badly and be in pain, even when you're happy for the other person. And to be made to feel like you "shouldn't" feel that way makes it feel worse. I'm so sorry for your pain, because I've been in the same place as you. *hug* And congratulations to your new niece for being born! She will no doubt have a wonderful aunt who is sensitive to people's feelings!

thalia said...

Oh I so sympathise. It's so hard to have that taken from you in so many different ways. You are completely justified in feeling like that, and I'm glad your sister seems to understand. Keep it up sweetie, Sami's cousin will get here eventually.

fisher queen said...

Accepting the fact that my younger brother had a baby three years after we started trying has been by far the most painful part of IF for me. It's not that I'm not happy for him, but it's just that it points out how much is wrong with me, and how long and fruitless my struggle has been. It hurts like the dickens.