Knock me over with a feather.

Based on my previous few cycles, I was anticipating ovulating this cycle somewhere around 1/9, which would be CD28. And I had ultrasounds scheduled for CD15, 20 and 25 to take a look and see how my follicle(s) were developing, my lining, that kind of stuff. I haven't been temping or OPKing or anything, I figured that the u/s would tell me what I needed to know and I didn't need to bother being anal. Starting monday, though, I was getting a fair bit of EW so I thought I'd do some OPKs, just in case. Tuesday's was negative as expected. I was absolutely convinced I still had two weeks to go. But, when I tested on Wednesday, I got a postive. And not just any old positive, the most positive positive I've ever seen. The test line was markedly darker than the control line which has never happened before. ON CD14!!!! Which means if I follow my usual pattern, I will actually O tomorrow. CD16. NORMAL!

One can never know why these things happen, of course, but I'm wondering if it has anything to do with the fact that my ass has not gotten to the gym at all in the past three weeks. I usually lift weights 2x/week, but haven't managed what with the snow and babysitter illness and all. Perhaps my system really is that sensitive???

Whew!

I had my hysteroscopy on Thursday. I was imagining three possible outcomes: no polyp at all, a small one that could be removed then and there, or a larger one that we'd need to schedule another surgery for. I was fully prepared for option 3 given the general cussedness of the universe. Because I was expecting that, when they got the scope in there and there was nothing except a perfect uterus and tubes, I was totally astonished! The doctor said that what was on the HSG was just an artifact - which is why they do the HSC to confirm. What a nice surprise!

The bitch is in the house.

The crimson bitch showed up on Thursday, 17dpo. It really is amazing what progesterone does to my LP - to go from 7/8 days to 17 with one little yellow thing pushed up my clacker each night is really pretty impressive.

I have my HSC scheduled for Thursday, where we'll get a better idea of whether I really do have a polyp and what we might do about it (I am so hoping that it can just be removed then and there and I don't have to schedule a separate surgery for it).

Then the following Thursday I have my first u/s to see how my follicle is growing, and whether the fact that I don't ovulate until ~CD28 is okay because my system is just getting a late start, or if it's not okay because really my follicle is growing perfectly well but just marinating in its own juices for two extra weeks. It seems like the former is perfectly fine in terms of egg quality, whereas the latter - not so much.

In the meantime, it turns out that the new insurance I have through M (his company got bought out in July of this year) covers infertility treatments at 70%, but only if you go to one of their "centers of excellence". Which my current clinic is not. So I have to figure out A) if it really is worth it for me to try clomid, B) if clomid and the associated monitoring are considered "infertility treatment", and C) if the new clinic will even see me given that I am actually cycling and haven't been trying for the requisite amount of time. A very wise woman I was talking to about this suggested that cycles > 35 days are NOT normal and should definitely qualify for treatment before the one year period is up - I think it's a good argument, but that doesn't always mean that the bureaucrats will agree!

I finally spoke to my sister this past Friday, and I called her, not the other way 'round. She didn't ask about me at all (I was calling to say that I didn't think it was going to work for us to look after my niece this weekend). She did call me back and leave a message a few minutes later admitting that she was a bad sister because she hadn't mentioned anything. I didn't catch her when I called the next time, but left a message saying that it wasn't good news, and that she should call me. I ended up calling her later in the evening when I hadn't heard anything, and we talked for all of five minutes, because she had to go and put her new baby down. I was practically in tears while talking to her - mostly because I'm sad that despite my hopes to the contrary, we are going through (as Emma aptly termed it), infertility 2.0. I get that it wasn't a good time for her to talk. What I don't get is why she couldn't fucking call me back. It is making me really sad, because I can guarantee you that if our roles were reversed, I would have made a lot more time for her than that.

Apricot white chip cookies (updated)!

I'm a little late for Jenn's second annual cookie exchange - but I figured better late than never. I actually made these for the first time tonight, absolutely delish. Tonight was my second attempt, so I thought I would update the recipe with the changes (and added picture so I'd get Jenn's extra special bonus points!).

Ingredients:
2 1/2c all purpose flour (9oz, 360g) (or use half whole wheat white flour)
3/4 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
3/4c butter, softened (6oz, 240g)
1c packed light brown sugar (5oz, 200g)
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 egg
2c white chocolate chips (12oz, 500g)
1c chopped almonds (4oz, 150g)
1c apricot preserves (8oz, 300g)

Preheat oven to 350F (175C)
Toast the almonds until browned, once the oven is heated.
While the oven heats / almonds toast:
Cream the butter and sugar until smooth.
Mix flour, baking soda and salt in a separate bowl.
Beat the egg and vanilla into the creamed sugar.
Mix in the apricot preserves until incorporated
Stir in the flour mix until incorporated.
Add in white chips, almonds.
Drop dough by rounded teaspoons onto a cookie sheet (silicone etc. recommended!).
Bake for 10-15 minutes, until golden brown.

I also made a few without the white chocolate chips - a bit less sweet, but also a very nice combination. I love these cookies! Pretty quick to make, and absolutely divine!

Definitely NOT something.

I went and bought a real test today, and it was the usual snowy white I am used to seeing. So perhaps there was an attempt at something, but it just didn't get very far.

I'm mostly okay. Hell, I get to get sloshed on NYE, that's a positive, right? I can drink a bottle of wine at Xmas, and at the parties we're going to next week. All good.

What I can't stop thinking about though is a comment my mom made to me when I told her a few months ago that we were trying again. The background for this is that she firmly believes that three years is the ideal separation for kids, and it took her a good long while to show any enthusisasm for my sister's latest pregnancy (a fucking "OOPS" pregnancy no less) where her kids are just over two years apart. I figured I would tell her that we were trying so hopefully she wouldn't be as shocked if we made an announcement. What she said to me was "I hope it doesn't happen too quickly".

She has gotten her wish. Not too quickly. *I* just wish she could be a little more supportive. First of all, I am three years older now than she was when she had my younger sister. And, given that we did not concieve quickly the first time, I would think she could say something like "I hope you don't have as much trouble as you did before!". But no.

And then there's my sister. I know that she doesn't get it because she had no trouble falling pregnant with her daughter, and clearly no trouble this time around. But still, I would like it if occasionally, just occasionally she would actually just call and ask how I'm doing. I called her yesterday to tell her about my faintest of faint lines - if the situation were reversed I can guarantee that I would have called her today to see if there was more news, either positive or negative. But have I heard from her? Not a peep. I don't really think that is a lot to ask.

I know that I am preaching to the choir here. Not that I would wish infertility on anyone, but in some ways I think that if everyone had to experience at least having to actually try for a few months before getting pregnant, that there would be a bit more sympathy and understanding out there. Especially from your own fucking family.

Something? Not something?

I finally O'ed this cycle on CD27 again. Gotta love a four week wait. And since I seem to acquire pimples that correspond with my follicle recruitment of which I appear to have three waves, I spend the majority of that four weeks slathering my face with all the zit creams I can lay my hands on. Lovely.

At 8 dpo I went for my followup appt with my RE. She did an u/s, which showed a nice triple stripe, 8mm thick lining, which she said was showing no signs of going anywhere anytime soon. Yay for progesterone! She agreed that we could give clomid a try (the hospital does not do aromatase inhibitors as the indication is not approved by the FDA), but the final diagnosis from my HSG was that I seem to have a polyp, so before any treatment they want to do an HSC and possibly surgery to remove it. Any thoughts on this? I'm not really a big fan of surgery if I don't need it. I did ask about whether she would want to do anything if I am in fact lucky enough to be pg, and she said no. So I'm not really sure why we'd need to do something if I'm not. Have to think on that.

I have a bunch of pg tests that I got with the OPKs I ordered online. I started testing at 9dpo, because I was feeling so many of the symptoms I had when pg with Ant. Cramping from 6-8 dpo, more tired while playing hockey, a bizarre dream, waking up totally sweaty (lovely, I know!). 9, 10 and 11 dpo tests were all negative. 12 dpo was too. But when I went back and looked at it a while later, there was the faintest of faint second lines! Something? Not something? Not really sure. I know the instructions say not to read it after ten minutes, but really, who listens to that? None of the tests from previous days had any inkling of a second line.

So I was somewhat hopeful. Today's test, though, was even lighter than yesterday's, if that is even possible. So I'm thinking this is a 'chemical' pg. Although on the other hand, my temp has been bouncing around 98 the past week and today went up to 98.6. I guess time will tell...

Uterine update #1

I had my HSG today - okay news, but not great. One of my tubes appears to be blocked - the dye wouldn't go into that part of my uterus at all. The radiologist said that it could be that my uterus was spasming during the test and that's why - or it could be blocked. As one tends to ovulate from alternating sides, it likely means we'll only have a shot of getting pg every other month. And I'm pretty sure I O'ed from my right side (good tube) last month. So I think this month is likely going to be fruitless. Not that we won't try anyway, but not terribly hopeful. :-(

Should hear back from my doc tomorrow on scheduling u/s throughout my cycle (currently CD14 with snowy white OPKs), so hopefully we'll get some good news from those!

And the reproductive endocringologist says...

We can go to injections probably starting next cycle.

I was totally taken aback. I was expecting at least a few months of lower intervention treatments before pulling out those guns again.

Needless to say, I am SO not going there, for a good long while. I had four failed injectibles cycles, thank you very much, so why exactly do we think all of a sudden this will work?

I am cycling on my own, despite their not being textbook cycles (okay, fairly far from textbook with the late ovulation AND short LPs), but I feel like we should be able to work with that.

What surprised me was that Dr. C. didn't seem to think that anything had changed with my HA status despite the fact that I AM cycling now. She still said that she didn't think that Clomid would do anything, based on my low e2 and LH levels from before. (b/w this time: e2=32, FSH 6.4, LH 3.2 - e2 is about what it was BA, LH is almost double, which I think is a good sign?)

She's doing a full IF workup on me, bloodwork, HSG scheduled for next week mostly because I had a C-section with Ant to check for adhesions, and bloodwork and SA for M as well. Also u/s throughout my cycle to see what's going on. Then we'll meet again on 12/4 to discuss.

She doesn't believe in LPD, which I've heard from a number of other sources, rather that it's a follicular phase defect - which makes a lot of sense to me. And is indicated by my rather long follicular phase (21 and 28 days so far, 8 and counting this cycle). So the u/s will hopefully help figure out whether my follicles are just not maturing properly, or if they are mature but there are problems with the corpus luteum.

I did manage to score some progesterone to use in my LP. I'm hoping that does the trick, and I won't need anything else.

I really thought that I had this fricking thing kicked.

Frustration

Every now and again we have a day that just makes me crazy. And they have been coming more and more often in recent weeks.

It's a combination of things: Ant having a fair number of words, but not for everything he wants to do, becoming less interested in his toys and more interested in general household items, and our not having been very good about saying 'no' to him, setting up expectations.

We spent a lot of time yesterday with me being the mommy taxi, him pointing at the spice cupboard or the clean dishes or the refrigerator saying "eh eh eh eh eh", me responding "what do you WANT???" followed by "no, that's not a good idea" when I finally managed to figure it out, and him screaming.

And then I was working during his naps, so no downtime. AND he woke up at the ungodly (these days) hour of 5:05 ante-meridian. This time change just freaking sucks. HSHHC saying that putting them to bed later does not mean a later wake up time is definitely true, much to my chagrin. On top of that, we were cooped up inside all day because it was pouring and cold outside. Yuck.

Anyway, all of that combined to make me just about ready to tear my hair out by the end of the day. I was SO glad to see M when he got home! Just a phase, I keep telling myself. Just a phase.

We're off to see the RE

The fat lady just sang a big old aria in the keys of A and F. A measly eight days after I *finally* ovulated, on CD28. I got a heads up yesterday because my temp dropped, so I called my RE's office. I had been debating about it shortly before I finally O'ed - given that my cycle does not seem to be trending towards normal, I think it's time to call in the cavalry. I was lucky enough to get an appointment for Friday, which I was really hoping for so that I could do something about this upcoming cycle. I would like to walk away from that appointment with a prescription in my hot little hands for Clomid or Femara to help me O earlier, and progesterone to help with the LP. We'll see.

I already knew how very, incredibly lucky I was to get pregnant with Ant, these irregular cycles make me appreciate it even more. The decision I made on that natural cycle to use the progesterone just in case, seems now to be likely the thing that made all the difference.

Finally!!!

I was completely convinced on Sunday that I was not going to O this cycle until something ridiculous like CD42. My CM apparently dried up, my temp was that of a person near death (96.6), and my OPK was negative.

I wasn't even going to do another OPK on Monday, CM was still practically nonexistent, but a friend from the HA board said that I really should because you just never know. My OPK from the day before had appeared a bit darker, but that just seemed like the pattern I'd already observed twice before this cycle.

So... I peed on another stick on Monday. To my complete astonishment, it was an almost positive. And as I had had a lot to drink and gone to the bathroom 2.5 hours before, I figured that was good enough.

Temping confirmed my O (my THIRD!!!) on Monday or perhaps Tuesday. CD 27/28. About flipping time :-)

So now I'm in my second first 2ww. Not expecting much, but having a smidgen of hope.

Now for something completely different

My mom is an avid gardener, and has stocked my little plot with numerous interesting plants over the years we've live here. Her latest offering were some dahlias that friends of hers who own a nursery were giving away to loving homes. I adore them, they are flowering at this time of year when there isn't much else of interest in the garden. And I think they are incredibly beautiful blossoms. So I thought I'd share.

Not-so-rose-tinted glasses

I am so flipping frustrated with my stupid body. I do believe I have the hypothalamic amenorrhea kicked. What I don't have kicked is totally irregular cycles. I have had a visit from the crimson bitch twice since I stopped BFing. The first time was four days after I ovulated, right as BFing ended. The second was 29 days later - 8 days after a CD21 O. I remember having had somewhat long cycles back from when I was a teenager, before any birth control, so I figured, okay, I'm going to O on around CD21... slightly longer than normal, but I can manage that.

So then we decide we're ready to ttc again. I should have known that was a recipe for my body going haywire. I started having EWCM on CD 8 this cycle. I was totally surprised - pleasantly so, thinking that maybe I'd actually O around CD14 and be normal. That dried up a couple of days later. No big deal.

Then it started again, CD13 this time. At this point, my 'no temping no OPKing' idea went out of the window. I was obsessing way more about whether I was going to O or not that I would using those things. So I started charting. This round of EW lasted for three days, then dried up again. So much for a normal length cycle.

Third time's the charm, right? My latest round of EW started on Monday, that's FIVE days ago - and still no positive OPK. Nor a temp rise, so it's not as if I O'ed and just didn't catch the surge. I am currently CD24, with no end in sight.

When I got pregnant with Ant, I O'ed on CD42. I thought, at the time, that it was so late because it was my first natural cycle in oh, forever. Now I'm rethinking that. Perhaps that is normal for me? I *wish* that I had paid attention when I was a teenager so I'd have a better idea of what to expect now.

I had set my baseline expectation at CD21 based on last cycle, but perhaps I should not anticipate O'ing until CD42 and then I'll feel less frustrated. I just wish I knew what was going on with all this egg-white. I'm almost getting to the point where I want to call my RE and see if I can go in for an u/s just to see what things are looking like inside. Do I have a decent sized follicle, that I could just take a trigger shot for? Or am I trundling along, follicle-less, and my hypothalamus is just playing tricks on me?

Damn, I *hate* not being in control, not knowing what is going on.

It's official

The proverbial goalie has been pulled. We are no longer doing anything to prevent pregnancy, so we are officially 'trying'. I'm in such a different space than I was in 2005 when we were attempting to get pregnant with the baby who turned out to be Ant.

I'm actually cycling! They may not be perfect (late O and 5 and 8 day LP's so far), but I have had two visits from the crimson bitch.

I'm approximately 16 pounds heavier.

I'm exercising about 1/4 as much.

I have my libido back after many, many years absence - wooo-hooo!

I am trying not to let my type A side take charge - no temping, no OPKs.

Finding it so much easier to interact with my pregnant sister (she was pregnant when we were ttc Ant as well - *hard*)

Experiencing the optimistim that most people have when they decide to try and concieve their first baby. (I knew I had problems pretty much from the get-go last time.)

Hoping that I can keep these rose colored glasses on!

You can call me obnoxious. Really, you can.

Soooo.... That post I wrote Friday night (I think) about the line between proud mom and bragging. If you didn't see it, you really didn't miss anything. Well, anything good. It was obnoxious. I SO crossed the line. If you did see it, I really apologize. I was in a bad mood after an interaction with a friend who goes on and on about her kid, and I wrote the post in that frame of mind. It was never my intention to make anyone feel bad, or be hurtful in anyway, and when I read it over a few hours later I realized that it could. And that it was just generally out of line. So I deleted it, hoping that bloglines would not pick it up and I could just pretend that it never happened. But it did get picked up, and so now you all know my inner asshole. Hopefully you'll forgive me this time, I'll work on squashing her some more, and we can still be friends?

Walking wounded

I play ice hockey with a bunch of guys every Tuesday morning. Today I got in the way of a slap shot (inadvertantly, my modus operandi is usually 'get the hell out of the way'). I took the shot off the inside of my thigh, where there is zero protection. I'm finding the bruise and associated swelling quite fascinating. You can actually see the track down the middle where the puck hit!

Updates

I think CB is on the way - know why I think that? Because I'm getting my second yeast infection in a month (and my temp was down today too). The little booklet that came with the medicine I got last time did say that it could be associated with AF. Never happened to me before, but now, both cycles! Post-coital burning last night was NOT a pleasant sensation. I really hope this is not going to be a monthly occurrence. On the plus side, it looks like my LP this month will be 8 days, up from 5 last month. Heading in the right direction, at least!

Long term effects

DD mentioned in a recent post how she was always the last one picked for teams through her school years.

Me too.

And as I was reading her post I was thinking about how my status in the social hierarchy during my early teen years has affected me through the rest of my life.

As a kid I was not particularly athletic, nor particularly popular. I had my friends, but we were definitely not the cool crowd - in fact, I often joke that I was a 'band geek'. I did go to music camp. My life was about academics, band, chorus, orchestra, small ensemble, and my friends who were mostly into the same things.

I was quite shy. An introvert. I moved to a new school when I was in third grade, and the teachers called my parents in; I wasn't playing with the other children during recess, but rather reading books.

I always wanted so desperately to fit in, to be cool, to be liked. Not to be laughed at. I was a late bloomer, and often got teased about it. In sixth grade I was standing next to the trash bin and one of the boys used me to bank a crumpled piece of paper off to 'score'. And then made a lovely joke about how I was flat enough to be a backboard. I got teased for my shoes - I had the velcro kind with cartoon characters on them, even in sixth grade. Never wore those again.

I didn't drink or go to parties, wasn't sexually active until late in high school. All of which meant that I was on the outside looking in. Another incident that will always stay with me was Halloween of sophomore year of high school; my little group of friends got together at my house, dressed up and went trick or treating. Of course we happened to go to the house of one of our classmates who was having a party - the laughter when he opened the door and saw us was particularly cruel.

I got used to being an observer. Wanting desperately to participate, but afraid to do so. Used to being left out, overlooked, picked last.

That feeling has stayed with me well into my adult years. I'm a lot less shy, have become athletic, have taken on plenty of leadership positions, and am well-liked in any group situation I'm in, I still have the fears of being left behind and laughed at.

Case in point - when I went to NYC to meet up with the two ladies I had met on the HA board. They have each flown cross-country to visit the other, so clearly know each other much better than I do. As we walked from the park where we had met up for lunch back to the trump towers for the babies' naps, I was totally anticipating them walking side by side, conversing with each other while I walked behind trying despearately to be part of it. To my surprise and pleasure, my fears were totally unfounded. Sometimes the three of us wuold talk, sometimes, me and L, or me and S, or S and L, but I didn't feel like a third wheel as I was totally expecting to.

Then this week I was at an offsite for work (my first nights away from Ant!). We had some unexpected free time on Wednesday afternoon, so a group of the 'cool' kids was going out for a drink. I asked them to wait for me while I ran up to my room, came back down anticipating that they would have left without me - but they were still there. Then we had a nice time, during which I was completely included in the conversation, and even some of the jokes and teasing that inevitably goes on in those situations.

So clearly I am not the social pariah that I once was, and most other people have grown out of the cliques of the high school era. But the innermost little girl in me is still so afraid!

How about you? Do you have any similar demons from middle and high school? If you were one of the popular crowd back then, do you have a different viewpoint on things, both then and now?

Cured!?!?!

As I'm sure you're all aware, I was crossing my breath and holding my fingers that I would cycle normally again after finishing breastfeeding.

I had one false alarm towards the end of BFing, and then a real ovulation right around the time I stopped, with the good old crimson bitch showing up a measly 5 days later. But she showed up!!!

Around CD10 of this cycle (and I am so excited that I can say that!) I started seeing some fertile signs, so started temping and OPKing. Today (CD20), I got a real positive OPK! Last time I had two days where the test line was almost as dark but not quite, and then did O after that - today's test was actually even darker than the control line. So I think I'm ready to call it - I no longer have hypothalamic amenorrhea. I may have other cycle issues, but it seems clear that my hypothalamus is sending out the signals it's supposed to be.

I am just over the moon!!!

Giving New Yorkers a bad name

A couple of weeks ago (yikes!) Ant and I went to NYC for the day to meet up with a couple of women I have met on the HA message board. It was a last minute decision to go - one of the women was visiting for the week from Colorado, so I decided that it was unlikely that I'd get another chance to see her anytime soon so I'd give it a shot.

I left on Tuesday night right around Ant's bedtime of 7pm, hoping that he'd fall asleep on the way down. He did, but not until 8:40 or so. He was reasonably content in his car seat, so that wasn't too bad. When we arrived in NYC, we were staying with a good friend of mine from college. (Sidebar - we realized we've known each other for over fifteen years, I can't believe college was that long ago!!!). Ant was SO excited when we arrived, there was no way my plan of putting him immediately in his Pack-n-Play to go to sleep was going to work. All the cars for him to look at "cah cah cah!", lights "ight, IGHT!" - just too much excitement. He finally went to sleep again at around 1am. And then of course we were awoken at 4am by a stupid truck blaring its horn right outside the window. I took Ant into the bed with me (which I hardly ever do), so he got some more sleep, but I really didn't.

The next day we hung out with my friend and her little dog, whom Ant totally loved. He kept sticking his hands out for the dog to lick. So cute. Then the pooch would try and lick Ant's face, he would put his hands up to push her away, and make the cutest expression of disgust. Too funny.

Around lunch time, we headed down to the subway to meet up with the other women from the HA board and their girls. I was a little dismayed to find that the subway system is not very handicap (i.e. stroller) accessible. I ended up walking about a mile to get to a station with an elevator, which took me down to the main concourse. I couldn't for the life of me find another elevator to get down to the tracks, so eventually asked a guy who looked like he worked there. After he looked around for a minute and couldn't find anything, he very nicely offered to help me carry the stroller down the stairs. Score one for the New Yorkers!

On the other end, I got out of the train, with no sign of elevators anywhere, so another random nice guy helped me get the stroller up all the stairs, and then even pointed me in the right direction. New Yorkers, plus two.

We had a really nice time with my compatriots and their daughters. We all had lunch in a park, then Ant needed a nap (I forgot to mention that in addition to his stroller I was toting around his Pack-n-Play - surprisingly it fit nicely in the bottom of our wheels). So we went back, not to S's apartment as it was very small, but to the apartment of a friend of hers where L was staying - in the Trump Towers. Very swish!

Ant took a decent nap, and then we had to get on our way to meet up with someone else from the board. I was walking at a reasonably good pace to get back to the subway station, as I was afraid we would be late, and of course my cell phone was dying. (What on earth did we do before cell phones???). I was on the far left of the sidewalk, and saw a man in camoflage walking on the far right. I thought to myself, "Oh, I hope he's going to the train station too, I'm sure he'd be willing to help me carry the stroller down". Yeah. Not so much. He turned to me all the way on the other side of the sidewalk as I passed him, and said in a thoroughly nasty tone of voice, "Oh sure, just push everyone out of your way". I turned to look at him because I got the sense he was talking to me but had no idea why, and he said "Yes, I'm talking to you. I don't know how you sleep at night".

I was so taken aback. Granted, with the Graco metrolite stroller, we were not exactly city friendly, but I didn't run into anyone, nor was I pushing anyone out of my way at all. And I was totally no where near him. I just found it so bizarre! And such a contrast to all the other people who had been so nice and helpful to me earlier. And again when I did get to the station. I was laughing to myself afterwards - he should have seen me earlier when S, L and I were walking three across with our strollers on the sidewalk, or maneuvering through the deli where we got our lunch.

The rest of the day was just lovely, and Ant slept the entire way home and didn't even wake up when we transferred him to his crib on my arrival. All in all I was very glad that we went. Except for that one jerk!

New score in - wolves 2, Nico - jackpot!!!

Chain of evidence:

Temp way down yesterday.

Signs of an imminent yeast infection. Lovely.

Some cramping in the am - felt much more like CB cramps than GI... ???

Purchased 1-day yeast infection treatment last night.

Used it.

Pantyliners today to deal with the drippage.

Lots of drippage.

Lots and LOTS of drippage.

Getting more and more pink-ish through the day????

Explanation number one - some wierd fungal disease turning my lady bits pink.

Explanation number two - crimson bitch?

End of day check suggests number two. Only a five day LP, but holy shit! An LP!!! An ovulation that I caught!!! The renowned crimson bitch paying a visit (with thanks to Mollywogger for a much better term than AF)!!!!!!

Yiipppppppppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Round two - wolves 2, Nico 0.

I'm amusing myself. Which is good because I think everyone else is sick of this train of thought.

My temp was up on Friday, up on Saturday and very clearly NOT up today. So unfortunately I think that this week's potential O was yet another false hope.

What I find very interesting, though, is that it was 29 days after the last time I thought I may have. So clearly something is going on with my hormones, I'm just not all the way there yet.

Stopped BFing completely as of Thursday - I have enough frozen milk to make it to that magical one year mark, and I'm taking that as good enough. Ant was not terribly pleased with me the last night we nursed, popping on and off and never really drinking much. I don't know if I just wasn't letting down quickly enough or what. So I'm not as sad about it as I thought I might be. In fact, I'm somewhat relieved.

No more wolves - I think!

Okay, so I've been diligently peeing on sticks every day since last Friday. Oh, how I missed it! (Not, and yet not!)

As I mentioned, I was getting essentially no line for the first few days. A line so faint that even when I squinted I wasn't sure I could actually see it. BUT! Two days ago, it was much darker. Still not a positive, not as dark as the control line, but damn close. And then yesterday the same.

And all kinds of crampy things going on last night.

Today's OPK was back to the nonexistent line again.

I think I should go to bed now so I can check my temp in the morning.

O.b.sessing!

am temp = up. cautiously optimistic!!!

The girl who cried "O, AF" (updated)

I have been obsessing. And obsessing. And trying not to obsess, but not managing. As is probably clear from the tenor of my last few posts.

Yesterday my back was hurting me which is my usual PMS symptom. I was initially writing it off as being due to the weeding I'd done the night before. But then I was sitting in a meeting, and started feeling all crampy. I totally couldn't concentrate on the meeting, all I could think was "maybe AF tomorrow????" "what if..." "do we want to start trying already?".... and so on and so on.

Then, I went to the loo, and lo and behold, EWCM?!?!?!? Quite stretchy, around an inch or so. So then I was thinking, maybe ovulation really is just around the corner this time??? Clearly my body is trying to do *something*.

I got home and actualy peed on a leftover OPK I had. No sign of any kind of second line whatsoever. Oh well.

Today's TP adventure, however - I have never ever seen so much CM, EVER. So I think I'm going to buy some more OPKs on my way home and try again.

Did I say that I'm obsessed???
***********************************
So I purchased a 20 pack of OPKs on my way home. Peed as soon as I arrived. That nervous anticipation you all know so well - and the result? A "light of a thousand suns" second line. WTF? I always thought that EW was related to LH, but I guess not! Must be estrogen??

Accidental weaning.

The only time I can manage to get some exercising in is first thing in the morning. So of the three days I go to work, I head to the gym first Mon/Thur, and play hockey on Tuesday mornings. The hockey is tough with nursing because I need to leave before Ant gets up. I used to dream feed him, but these days, if I pick him up to nurse he wakes up. So that's no good. The last few weeks M has been giving him a bottle when he gets up, and I've pumped at work.

Today was a bit of a funny day, because it turned out my mom hurt herself and couldn't come to babysit. So rather than going to work after hockey, I came back home. Fully intending to pump - but didn't! Ant has been asking for more milk every morning when he's finished nursing anyway, so it's clear that my supply is no longer keeping up with his demand. And after a day off, I can imagine it's going to be even worse. So we might be down to just one nursing session a day, by default.

I'm almost considering stopping now, but I want to be able to say that I nursed for a year. Being part of that 11% or whatever it is. Stupid, I know!

Sigh

Despite that I didn't really think that I had O'ed, based on my temps going back to my coverline 5 "dpo", I'm still a tiny bit bummed that the crimson bitch has not paid me a visit yet. (I think tomorrow is 14 "dpo"). And there is NO way that I'm pg, unless it was a virginal conception, so that's not it.

On one plus side (and WAY too much information, but it's my blog so too bad), I am having so much CM at the moment my panties were stuck to me tonight!

I'm planning on weaning Ant after his first birthday, which is in three short weeks. Un-fricking-real. I am continuing to believe that I've done what I needed to in not going crazy with weight loss post baby, and not exercising too much (ha, like that's even an option!), and that CB will make her much anticipated appearance a month or two (or even a few short weeks, can I dare to be so brazen?) after weaning is completed.

Since I stopped pumping while at work, and Ant stopped biting me, nursing has become a much more pleasant experience. Especially now, when speed nursing is the order of the day. 8 min one side, 4 min the other and we're done! He really likes to hold onto my arm when he's nursing now, I couldn't have imagined myself saying this even a month ago, but I'm going to miss it. I'm going to miss the feeling of that little hand patting my arm, and waving in the air searching for it when I go to pick up my book or my water bottle. Ant pointing at the nursing chair making the milk sign first thing in the morning, and the flapping of his arms when he sees me come in at night after Dad has read the bedtime stories, because he's so excited for his bedtime milk. Weaning is going to be a little harder than I imagined, I think. For both of us. So even though I'm excited to start cycling again (positive thinking, positive thinking), I'm a little nostalgic as well.

Spoke too soon?

I never imagined that I might actually ovulate and see the Crimson Biatch before I stopped breastfeeding. It's funny how quickly my expectations can be reset. With the CM and temp rise all of a sudden it was a possibility... and now I'm finding myself obsessing. I've taken my temp almost every day since! I even entered my 'data' into FF, with my pre-O temps from a previous cycle. FF did give me an O date, but I'm still not convinced. My temp this morning was only 97.3 and that was after going downstairs to move a sprinkler and back upstairs again. Argh! I keep telling myself it's really not that long to wait until next weekend when CB would theoretically show up - but I just want to KNOW.

I'm so not good at waiting!

Looking good!

I am sitting here trying desperately to hold my excitement in check. I decided on a lark to take my temp this morning, and it was 97.8, about .8 higher than my usual pre-O temps (although I haven't been taking them this 'cycle'). And, no CM to speak of.

I think I might actually have ovulated!?!?!?!

Holy shit, batman.

I'll take my temp again tomorrow and see what that's like - and then I guess I'm in a 2ww! (Zero chance of being pregnant unless it was an immaculate conception, but 2 weeks until I find out if CB show up!)

Can it really be true?

Has the battle been won?

I am now down to nursing Ant only two times per day, first thing in the morning and right before bed.

I am enjoying the 'freedom' of being able to wear real bras again. I had been using just a light sports-bra type of nursing bra, I hated the ones with all the levers and switches to undo the cup for BFing. And I've never been terribly well endowed (I think I was probably a C- at my absolute biggest, sniff), so minimal support was just fine. But that did mean that I was constantly on 'high-beam', just a tad embarassing!

And freedom from pumping at work is heavenly - not only in the extra time that is freed up, which isn't all that significant, but also in my reduced frustration levels. All in all, a good thing.

The best part, by far, is that I'm actually starting to have a bit of CM when I wipe. In fact, more than just a bit. I might even say prodigious amounts! AND, my libido is finally waking up after having been missing basically since Ant was conceived. (I was hoping to be one of those lucky women who gets to be super-horny during pregnancy - um, NOT!) So I'm thinking, hoping, wishing that perhaps I'll actually ovulate all on my own, and see that magical Crimson Bitch in a few weeks?!?!?! I'm so excited!

Recipe swap

A few people expressed interest in a recipe swap, and as I am desperate for something different to eat that A) is either good as leftovers, or B) is quick to prepare, I thought I'd go ahead with it. I think we can be pretty simple about this - post a recipe on your site and then let me know either via email or a comment, and I'll post a link to it here. And I'll keep this post at the top for a while, so the recipes will be easy to find.

Here are the recipes, I'll keep adding as I get links from folks:
Nico - asparagus pasta
Em - marinated black bean salad
Shelley - Joanne's crockpot stuffed green peppers and Shelley's crockpot swiss steak
Jenn - whole wheat mac-n-cheese and beef stew
Katie - Cheesy beer soup

Weaning, part 2

We cut out afternoon nursing a couple of weeks ago as it was just too iffy with me getting home from work about half an hour after Ant would get hungry, and then if he was fed, impossible for me to pump while taking care of him. So that was switched to formula.

Recently, I've still been nursing him mid morning, and pumping at work, but my production has dropped from ~5 ounces to just about 2. Not enough to feed him, he usually takes around 4oz. So I had very seriously been considering dropping that feed too. Then yesterday I tried to nurse him after his morning nap, he took one suck and then wanted to play. So I took that as a signal to switch to formula, and in fact he was perfectly happy taking it out of a sippy cup. So hopefully we can make the bottle to cup transition nice and smooth too.

The biggest bonus - no more pumping at work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Relationship stuff

One of the things that has surprised me about having a baby is how it's affected my relationship with M. We have always been rock solid, from the day the light dawned on his marble head. (I was chasing him for about a year before he finally clued in). We communicate really well, and have never had a fight.

We went through pre-Cana before we got married, one of our assignments was to ask our parents for three things that they had learned through their years of marriage that could help us start ours off on the right foot.

My mom is one of the wisest people I know. We have put her suggestions into practice, and I think that they have been instrumental in keeping our relations as cordial and happy as they are. In fact, I try and practice them in the rest of my life as well.

First, never assume that anything your spouse does is based on ill intention. If something is said or done that hurts you, before getting all up in arms and angry about it, think about other ways in which the words/act could have been intended that were not acrimonious.

Second, praise and notice can make a world of difference. Paying attention to the little things, like the bathroom being cleaned, the lawn being mowed, the accounts taken care of, and saying a simple thank you to show appreciation makes the effort put in seem much more worthwhile.

Third - If you do something wrong, admit it and apologize. Things are a lot more likely to escalate if you get defensive, or try and cover up whatever you've done.

Anyway, both M and I have tried as much as we can to practice these 'rules'. But I had been feeling for the past month or two that we were getting off track. I felt like I was doing way more than my fair share around here, and that M was forgetting rule number two. I don't mind so much doing most of the cleaning and cooking if I think my effort is being noticed, but when I feel like all the work I'm doing is making zero impression it gets harder and harder to be okay with.

I had a bit of a meltdown this past weekend - during Ant's nap, M was upstairs adding a new account in Quicken and copying and pasting transactions into it. I, meanwhile, was feeding Ant, putting him down, cleaning the dishes from last night and his breakfast, putting the laundry in the washing machine... when M finally came down I was not a happy camper, and he immediately picked up on it. I told him that I was a little bit mad that I'd been doing all this stuff while he was basically just faffing. He said I could have asked him for help - my retort was "I shouldn't HAVE to ask!"

He said that was a very good point. And that I wasn't to do any cleaning for at least two weeks. He actually has followed through so far. I feel guilty when I'm sitting around doing nothing while he's cleaning, so I have been doing things, but it's meant that I actually got to clean the kitchen floor which has been needing it despearatly, instead of doing yet another set of dishes.

Asparagus pasta

prep time ~25 minutes

Bring to boil:
2 qts water (you need to measure it because of the salt ratio).
1 Tbsp salt (don't reduce this - you're throwing most of it away later)

Cut up 1 lb asparagus: first cut off about 1.5 inches from the tip and then the top 1.5 inches from what's left, and put these pieces in a mesh bag (I use the ones that onions come in).

Cut up the remainder into 1.5" pieces.

Put these stalks and the mesh bag of tips into the water and cook for 3 minutes.

Remove the mesh bag and run cold water over it to stop it cooking. Put it aside.

Continue simmering the stalks for another 5 minutes.

Remove asparagus from the water and take out 1/2 cup of the water and transfer both to a blender. Don't empty out the rest!

Add 6oz fusilli or other small pasta to the asparagus water (use however much you need for 2 servings - you may like more than this).

Cook about 7 minutes (3 minutes less than whatever the package says)

In the meantime, add to the asparagus and water in the blender:
grated rind of 1 lemon
1 Tbsp lemon juice
1/4 cup olive oil.
Puree in the blender till smooth.

Save 1 cup of the pasta water and drain the pasta.

Return it immediately to the pan with the puree and 1/2 cup of the saved pasta water.

Cook for 3 minutes over moderate heat (it should be boiling), stirring constantly. Add a bit more water if necessary. You want it to be a thick sauce, not a soup, but
remember the cheese will thicken it.

Add 1/2 cup grated Parmesan, and pepper to taste, cook briefly, then add the reserved asparagus tips and cook, stirrng gently, just long enough for the tips to get hot.

Serve immediately in pre-warmed bowls. (Or, reheat in microwave!)

The recipe also doubles really nicely, and makes for good leftovers too! If you double it, no need to use extra lemon rind, and still only add 1/2c water into the blender. Otherwise it gets too soupy. Double everything else.

A sibling

I think about TTC#2 all the time.

I think about it when I go to the bathroom, I'm constantly checking the tp for any signs of CM. Which I have actually seen a couple of times in the last few weeks. Makes me hopeful.

I think about it when I'm deciding whether to have a snack or not. Trying very hard not to let myself fall back into my old pattern of restricting what I eat because I don't want to have the same non-ovulating problems again.

I think about it when I look in the mirror and see all my imperfections. And when I avoid the mirror because I'm not happy with what I see.

I think about it when I step on the scale.

I think about it when I see pregnant women. Who are everywhere. And as DD mentioned, when I see non-pregnant women wearing those stupid maternity clothes that are all the rage now.

I think about it when Ant does something particularly cute.

I think about it when I see my sister who is pg with number two - an oops. I wonder if I could ever be so lucky.

I also wonder if people who didn't have trouble conceiving their first child have this same all consuming obsession with the second. I know that M doesn't - I asked him the other day how often he thinks about a potential sibling for Ant, and he said about once a month. It honestly probably crosses my mind 10-20 times a day. And we're not even wanting to 'try' yet. How much worse is this going to be when we are ready?

Notes from the front

I'm bored with what we eat. And I'm looking for either quick and easy recipes that I can make at night after Ant has gone to bed, or things that make for good leftovers. I was thinking of doing a reprise of Jenn's virtual cookie exchange, for dinner recipes. What do you think? If you think its a good idea and would be interested in participating, let me know either in the comments or via email (noperiodbaby[at]comcastDOTnet).

After my declaration of a few weeks ago that I was quitting nursing NOW, things improved significantly. The biting subsided again, I now let down for the pump almost every time, and overall it's just a much less frustrating experience. I did switch over the afternoon feed to formula because that was really iffy with me getting home from work, and if his sitters fed him before I got home finding the time to pump just wasn't happening. I was very pleasantly surprised that he had no problem at all taking the formula. Although when I went to make it for him the first time I was a bit taken aback by the WARNING: breastmilk is best for your baby in large letters. Way to stick the knife in and *twist*. I can only imagine how hard that warning is to see for someone who wanted to breastfeed but wasn't able to.

I played golf for the first time since April 30 of last year, this past weekend. I had been planning on playing until I was 7-8 months, but the contractions starting at 25 weeks foiled that idea. It was so nice to get out there again (the in-laws babysat for us), and I was very pleasantly surprised at how well I played. I had two holes where I fell apart, but even with that I still shot a 108 where I was regularly shooting about 104-105 before last year. And, the weather was just perfect!

Finally, we had another fun day with my niece yesterday. We went over to my mom's house for the afternoon. Her husband decided to mow the lawn - they have a big piece of land, so he uses a ride-on mower. The kids thought it was better than sliced bread. My niece was out there first, and was squealing in delight every time he'd come around the corner, and then waving and waving at him every time he'd make a pass. Ant and I joined them out there after a little bit, and he found it just as entertaining. When he gets excited he waves his arms up and down and pumps his little legs - every time R would drive by Ant would be jumping up and down with glee. Us adults had a marvellous time watching the kids have a marvellous time. They definitely help make everything fun and new again.

Sick. As a dog.

We spent last weekend with my sister and her family; hubby and 19 month old daughter. It was just marvellous, so great to spend an extended length of time with my niece. My favorite time with her was on the ferry ride home - she took me by the hand, and we walked around to look at all the various dogs people had brought with them. After we examined each one (from a distance), she would say "mah, mah", and make the sign for "more". So then we'd trot over to the next woof woof. Knee slap. Once she was tired of that we walked outside, where she asked to be picked up. She would stick her hand over the edge of the boat into the wind from our passage, then laugh hysterically and tuck her face into my shoulder. The best part for me was that I asked her a couple of times if she wanted to go back to her mom, and the answer was an emphatic "no". Made me feel so special :-)

Not so special, though, was the cold that Ant and I brought home from that weekend. Ugh. It started with just a runny nose, and fortunately that's all that Ant still has, but for me it's now morphed into a lovely cough with an accompanying fever. Ugh.

What I find really odd is that I *never* used to get sick. I really mean that. It was a bad winter for me if I got ONE cold. This year I've had two colds that have been so bad as to have a fever as well, viral conjunctivitis (of course the long-lasting kind with no cure but time), and the lovely stomach bug that was going around.

I'm wondering if this is all because my immunity is down because of breastfeeding. I was talking to a friend the other day, also BFing, and feeling the same about being way more sick this year than ever before (well, for as long as we can remember). Any other anecdotal evidence out there on this topic?

Total aside, sick as a dog? I don't know that most dogs are particularly ill.?

I quit!

Nursing, that is.

I wanted to hold on until a year. But, between the biting which has increased in frequency again and let me tell you is fricking painful when it’s eight teeth coming at my poor tender lady bits, and my complete failure to let down for the pump about 50% of the time, I just can’t do it.

I find myself getting upset and angry with Ant when he bites me, which I hate. I know that he’s not doing it out of any kind of malice, but I’m finding it very difficult not to let those emotions bubble up despite logically knowing that they don’t make sense. He’s also taken to popping on and off, which also exasperates me, as do the times when he seems to nurse endlessly.

Pumping used to be very easy – 5 minutes and I’d have somewhere around 5-6oz. Now, it takes me much longer to let down for the pump, if I even do. When there’s no let down I only get an ounce or two, or sometimes (like this morning) even less. I know there’s milk there – this morning he only ate from one side so I should be able to get at least 3oz from the other side. But when my reflex doesn’t cooperate, what I should get and what I do get are wildly different. So I’m finding that incredibly frustrating as well.

On the whole, I now dread nursing and I dread pumping. He doesn’t seem to care one way or the other whether he has the bottle or the breast. So I’ve decided that it’s okay for me to stop.

Although I started to write an IM to my sister this morning to ask about what kind of formula she’d recommend, and started getting all teary. Which is funny because I never thought of myself as emotionally attached to nursing. I guess I am to some extent. But I’m also feeling a big sense of relief with my decision.

I guess it will really depend, though, on whether he’ll take formula or not. We’ll find out this weekend!

(I’m not going to quit cold turkey – I’ll switch to formula for the daytime feedings first, then probably morning, then bedtime last. Any idea how long I should wait in between cutting out each feed?)

I always knew those sci.en.tol.ogists were crazy!

My Aunt and Uncle are Sc.ient.ologists. They moved to the US fifteen years ago or so to teach at a Sc.ient.ology school out in the northwest. I didn't really know much about the teachings of that 'religion' until we went to visit them a couple of years ago. They gave us a tour of the school, and explained some of the theory and practice of how they go about teaching the children.

It's a very self-directed method of study. Each unit has a packet that the kids work through - reading about the topic at hand, and then using various media to demonstrate understanding. For a history topic, for example, the child would read a chapter, then perhaps make a series of clay models of the seminal events. We watched some of the kids at work, they all had their dictionaries out as they were doing their reading, and had all kinds of tools at their disposal for creating their models. Once the unit is complete, the child takes a test, when they are ready for it. If they don't get 100%, they have to go back and repeat the lesson until they do.

I thought that it was an interesting method of education. I may not agree with everything they were doing, and it certainly won't work for all children (in my opinion), but I did feel that they had some worthwhile ideas.

So, when my uncle sent me a little pamphlet called "Children" from the sci.ent.ology book collection, I figured it couldn't hurt to give it a read. And truly, I do think that it had some points worth considering. For example, a lot of people will say to a child "you're fine, you're okay" when they fall down and hurt themselves. The sci method suggests instead asking the child what happened, and having them tell you a couple of times, asking questions about the incident, until they feel better and are able to move on. I can see the reason behind that - we don't actually know how the child feels, and telling them they're fine (in effect, you're silly for crying) is in some ways belittling their experience. Another example - letting the child do whatever he/she would like to with their toys, including breaking them. Why should we impose our methods of play, our strictures, on our child? If they want to play so hard with a toy that it gets broken, why not? Again, we are teaching the child, by not letting them truly own their toys, that they are not in control, not in charge.

Towards the end of the pamphlet, there's a little section on baby care. I read through this too, even though it was for babies much younger than Ant is now. I got to a part that was talking about what to do if your baby is crying. It suggests that if the baby has just been fed, so you know it's not hungry, has been changed, has had a nap so you know it's not wet or tired, that you should look for other reasons that it might be crying.

Like a pin, or a piece of coal in the crib.

Yes, you read that correctly. I was so surprised I almost fell out of the chair. I figured that it must be a really old pamphlet, published in the 1850's or something like that (yes, I know that Sci.en.tology didn't start until the mid-twentieth century or so). So I checked the copywrite date. 1994 and 2000!!!! The only thing I can think is that someone was playing a huge joke. Or trying to see how many people would actually read the pamphlet.

Feeding help?

I need some serious food help. Any and all advice is appreciated!!!

Ant is almost nine months old, and I know that I need to start moving him from the jarred baby foods to more table-food like things. This is a huge problem for me because I do not eat "well" at all, so I really am at a loss for what to do.

I have had big issues with the textures of food since I was very young, and consequently ate zero fruits or vegetables from as long ago as I can remember up until after I finished college. When I was in high school I was so averse to anything fruit/vegetable like that I wouldn't even eat tomato sauce on pizza, just plain cheese. My parents tried to get me to eat things (imagine a 12 year old throwing a 45 minute tantrum over eating ONE raw grape!!), but didn't push me too hard because my mom was relatively similar when she was growing up.

In more recent history, I've gotten a lot better. I now eat a decent selection of veggies (broccoli, green beans and asparagus are my regulars i.e. about once a week), but still don't eat any fruit. Pureed fruits or juices are fine, but the raw stuff? I really can't stomach it. Another example - I like minestrone, but the way I make it for myself is to take out the pasta and potatoes, put them into a pot, then put the rest of it through the blender.

All that means, though, that I really have no sense of where to go next for Ant. So far I've given him some low-sodium minestrone, with the veggies cut into small pieces, and he seems to quite like that. What other things should I try? Some of the baby books suggest strips of cooked fruit - they don't tell me how to cook them though!! Do I just boil them? How long?

I'm almost embarrassed to hit publish on this one, but I will, in hopes that you can give me some tips!! (Any websites or books that you'd recommend?)

Happy birthday!

I've been meaning for a while to figure out the date when Ant would be out of me for as long as he was in - just calculated it this morning, and it turns out it was this past Sunday, May 20th. Happy 2X birthday, kiddo! (I can't believe it's been that long already - I feel like he was just born yesterday!)

rats and snails and puppy dog tails

Although approximately 99% of having a baby is sugar and spice and all things nice, there are definitely a few things that are not so pleasant. I think (hope?) that all of us feel some of these things at one time or another. It has definitely had some effects on my relationship with M - not as much nooky, for one. I didn't know it was possible to have a negative libido! Oh yes, though. I have not been "in the mood" since Ant was conceived. I do my wifely duties, and I do mostly enjoy it when I do, but I'm really hoping that once I quit BFing I'll actually feel some desire again. (Please, don't disabuse me of that notion if it's not the case. Let me live in my little fantasy world!)

BFing is another thing that has to my surprise become somewhat unpleasant. I have not been one of those people who loves breastfeeding, and feels closer to their child when doing it. As Jenn has said, I do it because I think it's the best source of nutrition for him, and because I had a relatively easy time of it. I always wanted to nurse for at least six months, and when I got there I saw no reason to stop. All of a sudden though, in the last few weeks, I'm ready to be done.

Our routine now is that I feed Ant first thing when he wakes up in the morning, usually around 6:30, at 10-11, 3-4, and then one last time at bedtime. He's mostly eating for 10 min or less during the day, and around 10 min/ side in the early am or last feed of the day. Which, in comparison to the 40 min + marathons of the early days, is really nothing.

Which is why my reaction to his feeding recently somewhat surprises me. I've been feeling quite claustrophobic when he nurses for any length of time. I'm good for the 10 min, 12, but anything over 15 and I start getting antsy. I've found myself thinking, sometimes, "get off get off get off". And then I feel bad for feeling that way. He's woken up at midnight the last three nights and won't go back to sleep without nursing, and then it's been particularly bad. I think because I'm really tired and just want to sleep, and he's keeping me from it. Intellectually I know that it is nothing that he is doing on purpose (I'm hoping it's just a growth spurt - no disabusing me of that idea either ;-), but emotionally I'm finding it quite difficult to calm myself and be okay with it.

A little while ago I had posted that I might even go longer than a year, but the way I'm feeling right now, there's just no way. I don't really see the point in switching to formula now, only to go to cows milk in three months, so I will likely stick it out until that point. But I really don't see us going any longer than that. Of course things can always change again - we'll see.

I still have more rats and snails to go (more relationship stuff), but I think I'll save that for another time.

Bad Mommy, part deux.

Yesterday I took Ant down to the park. First we walked to the construction site two houses down - it was relatively shady near our house, but when we got to the construction site it was quite sunny so I put his sunglasses on. He gave a little squawk, but seemed pretty okay with them. Then his hat, so his little fair head didn't get burned. After he seemed bored with the concrete truck, we walked down to the park. Went the long way so we could watch the dogs first. When we got to the area where the dogs hang out, we stopped to look at them for a while. The place we stopped was shady, so I took the glasses off because they're a bit tight and leave a mark, so if not for the sun I prefer to have them off. I noticed when I looked at them that they were a bit dirty. Held them up to my eyes, and once again, the poor kid couldn't see ANYTHING. They were so filthy with sunscreen, everything was a blur. Argh!

In-laws!

My in-laws just got back from FL. Came over today to see Ant, as they've been missing him terribly. I've sent lots of pictures and videos, but it's just not the same.

They're going to be looking after him two days a week through the summer, while I'm at work. Which will be really nice, it's getting tougher and tougher to complete my 8 hours while I'm at home.

I invited them to come up for lunch today, to start showing them a bit of Ant's new routine, as things are quite different now than they were when they left three months ago. I started feeding him lunch, then Nana took over. We got to the second course of prunes, and Nana said "Prunes - Yeuch!". Great. The kid loves his prunes - I realy don't need someone putting their food likes and dislikes onto him. I immediately chimed in with "we don't say Yuck - prunes are yummy!" (In fact, I will finish off the last little bits sometimes, and they really aren't bad at all). A little while later a friend of hers called and she was describing the lunch, and said "prunes, yuck" again, and once again I responded that we don't say Yuck. I *hope* she got the hint!!!

I do not eat any fruits, and my repertoire of vegetables is also quite limited, so it's going to be tough enough as it is to get him to eat well when I really don't. I hope that I don't end up regretting this child care scenario.

Funny Food Day

I got up this morning at 5:15 to get ready for hockey. Nursed Ant from 5:30-5:50, then off to hockey. Got home at around 8, at which point Mark headed off to work. About half an hour later I figured I should feed Ant his solids, he had gotten up at 6:45 so we were close to his two hour window for naptime. I fed him 3 tbsp of oatmeal, he noshed on some apples in the mesh bag, and ate an ounce of pears. I also made him a hard-boiled egg, becuase the sheet the doctor gave us about what foods to start when said we coujld start egg yolks at 8 months. Well, this was the first thing that I've offered him to eat that he *clearly* did not like. You should have seen the look on his face when I put the spoon with a little bit of egg yolk on it into his mouth. I think it was more the feel of it in his mouth than the taste, because he basically just spit it all out without tasting it at all. Then, when I went to write dow n what he had had later on, I found out that M had already fed him almost exactly the same thing an hour earlier (except the egg). OOOPs!

For lunch I was eating my sandwich (turkey, cheese and ranch dressing on a roll) at the same time I was feeding him, because I was starving too. According to the sheet from the doc, 'ground chicken' was another thing we could start, so I figured deli turkey fit in that category and tore off a little piece for Antony. He kind of mushed it with his fingers for a bit, so I thought he wasn't going to do anything with it. But very shortly after he picked it right up and stuck it in his mouth. Unlike the egg, he didn't make any faces, and didn't even spit it out. So I pulled off a few more pieces, and he ate another three or four!

Dinner was another laugh - after his normal cereal and yoghurt/jam, I went to the butternut squash. He was chowing down on it, after having sucked down the cereal and yog, but he was trying very hard to get his hands in the bowl. He did manage a bit... and then started patting his head, which has been his thing recently. So he ended up with squash all over his head!

Nursing notes

I used to be in the camp of people saying "once a child can ask to nurse, they're too old". Now that I am a nursing mother myself, I am definitely finding myself re-evaluating that attitude. Partly from reading comments on other blogs (Jenn was discussing nursing at one point, and one of her commenters very astutely asked WHY a child is too old once they can ask for it - a question to which I have no good answer), partly from reading things like the WHO's recommendation that children nurse until at least age two, and partly from my own experience. I was intitally planning on breastfeeding for six months and most likely weaning at that point. But I got to six months and saw no reason to stop, as it was going perfectly well, and how could I deprive my child of the nutrition and benefits of breastmilk for, really, no good reason? (I am NOT judging anyone who stops BFing at any point, for whatever reason. I just didn't feel I had a reason to stop that I felt comfortable with.)

My only dilemma comes from the fact that we'd like to start trying for a second munchkin when Ant is around 14 months old. I am pretty certain that I will not see any hide or hair of the crimson bitch until I stop nursing. My theory is that HA is partly due to a system that is much more sensitive than normal to hormone levels, so the elevation of prolactin and decrease in e2 due to nursing will most likely suppress my system until I stop nursing. (Hopefully NOT thereafter! Pretty please.) But that means that I will need to decide to stop nursing in order to attempt conception. And I'm having a lot harder time with that idea than I ever imagined.

Then again, I've been having much more trouble with my supply in recent weeks than I had before. Well, not my supply necessarily, but more my ability to access my supply. I used to let down equally well for pumping as for nursing, within about 30 sec of starting either. More recently I have had a number of pumping sessions where I have not let down at all, despite feeling relatively full, which means that I only manage to pump 2-3 oz, instead of the 5-6 that I normally get. And on occasion it's taken as long as 4-5 minutes for me to let down when Ant is suckling. I did notice some CM for the very first time since Ant was born, so I wonder if in fact my hormones are shifting a bit. I've tried the looking at your baby's picture, thinking about them method - I'm just so non-sentimental that things like that really don't do it for me. Even his cry doesn't set me off. I've tried shaking the old knockers, stroking and massaging as recommended on kellymom, to no effect. I've even tried sucking myself. Yes that was probably as funny as you imagine. I was desperate though! So now I just get out as much as I can and call it a day. But I do wonder if this is the beginning of a forced end? I'm trying to keep it up by pumping 2x while I'm gone, with him only eating once, and that has been working okay for now, but barely. Any suggestions?

Okay, so it was just a pit stop.

It turns out that even though it hasn't been that long since I 'quit' blogging, I'm missing it already. I've found myself going through my archives on more than one occasion, and I really like reading again about what I was thinking or feeling at any particular moment. So I'm going to pick it up again. I've got lots of things floating around in my head that I'm going to spew for the next few days.

#1: A new neighbor just moved in next door. She's probably in her early forties. And introduced herself to me as "Scooter". I feel really wierd calling a grown woman I barely know Scooter. Is it just me?

#2: I love watching Ant learn new things. He's working on crawling at the moment. He was pushing himself backwards last week, this week he's getting up onto his hands and knees much better (depending on the amount of purchase on the surface he's on). Every day it seems like he's a little closer. I always wondered how they figured these things out.

#3: I always thought (without really thinking about it, if you know what I mean) that milestones were black and white. Can your baby sit by himself or can't he? Can he walk or not? Now I see how grey those milestones really are. Ant could sit unsupported at 6 months. But he would still topple quite frequently. Now he's much more stable, but does still fall over occasionally, although it's much slower and more controlled. Generally. And he certainly can't walk by himself, but at the same time, with one of us holding his hands to balance him, he can motor around at a surprising speed, clearly putting one foot in front of the other of his own accord.

#4: I am falling apart! My left knee has been bugging me for a while, clicking when I get up from kneeling, or when I tried to ride my bike a few weeks ago. I've been seeing a PT, but it's not helping, in fact I think it's gotten worse. I definitely feel more pain when I kneel or squat. Ugh. I need my knees! I've also had repetitive stress injury in my wrists in the past from pipetting and typing. And in the last few days it's gotten really bad, I think from picking up, holding, and balancing Ant. I have some braces to wear, but it's hard to do much of anything with them on. Double ugh. And then there's my diastasis which still isn't 100% healed. Ah, to be a teenager again!

#5: I never knew how much time I would spend on the floor with a kid. The latest is holding him while he walks around - there's the bent over at the waist position, which hurts my back pretty quickly. There's the moving around on my knees, but that hurts even more (see #4). And then there's my patented ass-walk. I sit behind him, with one leg out to each side, and then wiggle my bum from side to side to scooch forward as he takes his steps. Boy, is our floor clean these days. Good thing too, as picking up a mop is something that just does not seem to fit into the schedule.

End of the Road

I have written this post in my head so many times since Ant was born, but kept putting it off because I really do enjoy blogging. But the time has come. I am finding that I just can't keep up with blogging anymore - I even wrote a post last week and never got around to actually putting it up. And I'm so far behind on reading y'all's posts, let alone commenting... I'm working effectively 4 days a week now (two in the office, two more 4 hour days at home), and then play dates on my day off means that I can barely find time to check my email anymore. So I think it's time to call it a day, take a hiatus, until (if) things get a bit more manageable.

I really truly want to thank you for all your support through the thicks and the thins, from the bottom of my heart. Each comment of commiseration and support has meant so much to me. And I hope my comments and thoughts have meant something to you. I will keep reading and commenting as much as I can, but hopefully you can cut me a little slack for the moment!

One thing I'm truly curious about is whether I have actually conquered my hypothalamic amenorrhea or not. Still no sign of the Crimson Bitch - not entirely unexpected, as I'm still nursing, but I do keep hoping that she'll show her ugly face. I will definitely update to let you know if / when (please, when!) she returns.

In other news, Ant just got his top two teeth. He's sitting pretty well - although not 100% stable, as both M and I discovered to our chagrin yesterday. Had his 6 month appointment today; 28 inches long (90%), and 17lb 7oz (44%). Still long and skinny! He's a joyous, happy, smiley baby. Being a parent is so much better than I ever imagined. I can't wait for each of you to experience it, whatever path may take you there.

Baby trip

We spent the weekend visiting a good friend of mine from college, who has a son 5 weeks younger than Ant. It was really great to see her again, and to meet B. What a difference in personality between the two kids though! B is much more mellow and chilled out; Ant is constantly moving and shaking. It is really easy to make Ant smile and laugh; you really had to work at it with B. All my friend had to do was to look at Ant and say "hi", and he would laugh! That hasn't happened with anyone else, I don't know why he thought she was so amusing. They also had a jumper which Ant loved :-)

I've been annoyed with some of the books I've ready about child-raising. Healthy Sleep Habits for example, says "your child will naturally develop an earlier bedtime". But never really said what to do if they didn't! I feel like a lot of these books have good theories, but are very short on how to actually put the theory into practice. But I did really get to see this weekend what a difference some of the things I picked up from HSHHC make. That book says that babies shouldn't be awake for more than two hours at a time, that's all they can manage before needing a nap. And we have definitely found with Ant (until recently, as he approaches the 6 month mark) that he would start getting fussy at right around 2 hours of awake time. So we basically would put him down for a nap as soon as he'd start fussing, and he'd sleep for anywhere from 40 minutes to a couple of hours. And then he's a really pleasant baby when he's awake.

Poor B, though, would be up for 3-4 hours at a time - and he'd start whining and fussing and being miserable at right around 2 hours, and they wouldn't put him down! What a nightmare. Hours on end of the poor kid going "Wah".."Wah"..."Wah". M and I tried to suggest naps without seeming overly pushy. I mentioned HSHHC and the two hour thing; I said once "That's how Ant is when he's tired", once or twice I said "awww, look at his droopy eyes!". But it's so hard to tell another parent what to do. I just felt bad for the poor little guy, it was clear to me that he was totally overtired! I guess HSHHC has at least some worth.

(And Ant is finally getting to this "naturally" earlier bedtime. He's going from 4 naps down to 3, awake for longer than two hours in the evening, which means that he's tired for the night closer to nine rather than ten. I guess I would have liked HSHHC to tell me that some kids would do this earlier bedtime thing sooner than others, and that I shouldn't worry, it would happen eventually.)

let them eat cake

I haven't gotten to do much cake baking of late... but I put my skills to the test on Saturday, for my in-laws retirement party. I wanted to share the results - I got the idea for the decorations from a Betty Crocker cake decorating book, and am really pleased with how it came out. The things on top are supposed to be those party blowers - they don't quite look right because I couldn't find the candy sticks I was looking for, so made do with twizzlers instead. But it was fun to make (and tasty too - lemon cake, with raspberry sauce and lemon frosting). The streamers were made from fruit rollups! (Boy, have those changed since I was a kid. I still liked them though, sadly enough.)

Games babies play

A friend was asking me today what games Ant and I play together, as she was looking for ideas. Here are some of the things we do... What can we add to our repertoire?

Sometimes we go up in the office where he really likes looking at the Tivo box we just got (the box the Tivo came in, that is), and moving its lid up and down. There's also a full length mirror in there, and we look at and wave to each other in that. In front of that are some piles of books and wrapping paper that he likes to play with. He actually really likes wrapping paper, I think the colors are really appealing. I've started giving him squares of it to keep him occupied in the car (he hasn't started eating it yet!).

We play on the bed in his room, I'll roll him over while singing "there were ten in the bed and the little one said...". There are also a couple of toys up there that he'll grab at while I hold them in front of him. We do lots of sitting and standing whereever we go, and I also try and throw in some tummy time as often as I think of it and he'll stand for it. He also likes it when I hold brightly patterend clothes above his head, and swing them from side to side. Sometimes he'll reach for them, sometimes he won't. But he always seems excited, which is what I think he's feeling when he starts kicking his feet and moving his arms more.

Downstairs we read books while sitting on the couch, or just practice sitting and standing. Sitting on the coffee table too, where there are lots of things to look at. Sometimes I'll put him on my lap and play bouncy games "Trit-trot to Boston, trit-trot to Lynn - you'd better watch out that you don't fall IN" I drop him between my knees on the last syllable. Or "This is the way the lady rides....". A new one I just learned from another friend "Jumpy jumpy sugary lumps... the more AJ eats, the more AJ JUMPS", lifting him up on the last.

We play "head, shoulders knees and toes", or other body part songs where I sing body parts to random tunes, like "nose and mouth and cheeks and chin, cheeks and chin, cheeks and chin...nose and mouth and cheecks and chin, all parts of Antony" to the tune of mary had a little lamb.

He's quite fond of the leapfrog music table we borrowed from my sis. From about three months on we would lie it on its side, and make it play for him, he really liked the lights and music. Now we do about 50/50 with it on its side and him on the floor, and it upright, holding him up while he's standing. We've gotten a LOT of use out of that one. Not quite as much as the gymini, but close.

He has various other toys that will amuse him for a few minutes at a time, I basically just show them to him, talk about them or sing a song, and see if he wants to grab onto them or not. His favorites are Winnie the Pooh stuffed animal, and a little bee that makes noises and lights up when you move its wings. I've also taken to just showing him random objects that are lying around - he's enjoyed my keys, the plastic tab that you have to pull off to open a bottle of milk, my poland springs water bottles, granola bar wrappers - I try and give him things of lots of different shapes and sizes so he can learn about how they feel and sound. Oooh, he also really likes the tissue paper that presents come wrapped in.

Sometimes he just doesn't seem interested in his toys so we'll wander around the house and I'll tell him about different things. He particularly likes the basement, I think becuase he's not down there that often so there's lots of new stuff to look at. When he's in one of those moods is when I'll pop him in the baby bjorn. We'll also look outside for a while, when it's too cold to actually go out.

His absolute favorite thing is when we make faces / noises. He's gone through phases of what he's liked - at the moment, slurpy noises and exaggerated laughing really set him off. We can keep him laughing for a good five minutes with those. And we generally stop because we're tired, not because he is! For a while he really liked exaggerated kissy noises, which I would do while kissing his face or his hands. I also make muching noises while munching oh his hands and feet. He likes consonant / vowel combinations... "dah dah dah dah dah" over and over - one night he found it so amusing I went through the whole alphabet a few times! We also play "where's Antony", where I put a bib or facecloth over his face for a few seconds, saying "Where's Antony? Where's Antony?"... then I move it off from one side or the other and say "There he is!!! I see you!!!". I would have thought he wouldn't like his face being covered, but he does his excited kicking/arm flailing and never seems upset, so I think he does like it. Maybe just the anticipation of what's coming...

I'd love to hear ideas of other things we can do together, to keep us both interested!

On a totally different topic, I've always put pictures in as separate links, not right in the post, as I don't want to cause angst to those who may not want to have baby pictures shoved in their face. Should I continue to do that, or do you think baby pics in the post are okay?

Believe only half of what you read...

My eyes have finally started getting better. YAY! Thanks for all the tips ladies. Although, Elle, what on earth did you mean with the breast milk comment. Is one supposed to put that in one's eyes???

On the whole carseat issue, I did a little bit more reading and came to the conclusion that we would stick with the Britax for a bit longer.

#1 - According to the American Association of pediatrics, in 2000, there were 539 deaths of children under 5 in motor vehicle accidents. Half of those were not restrained at all. I think that's a pretty low number (approximately the same as the chance of being struck by lightning). In fact, according to the NHTSA stats, only 81 infants under 1 were killed in auto accidents while restrained.
#2 - If all those car seats truly are that bad in high speed crashes, why have I *never* heard about it?
#3 - the sites that folks mentioned that bring up some very valid points about the CR testing: they will not release their methodology so no-one else can duplicate their results. They don't make any comparison to the real world, so it's hard to say what their results truly mean. And, apparently they don't test the car seats in cars (I guess that would get expensive), but using a sled contraption. How does that mimic the crumple zones etc. that cars have?

And then, LOL, CR retracted the whole damn thing! Bastards!!!

Woe is me...

I have acquired myself a lovely case of viral conjunctivis. I think it's a second whammy from a nasty cold I had at the end of December (with a fever, which is really unusual for me). I've been sniffling ever since, blowing my nose a lot, and I think that somehow the loveliness got transferred. Yuck.

I've been washing my hands every time I even *think* about touching my eyes, and no-one else in the family has come down with the pink-eye yet. (Although I must say it is much more like RED-eye!). I'm really really hoping that Ant doesn't get it. I'm miserable, I can only imagine how awful this must be for a baby who has no comprehension of why he can't open his eyes when he wakes up.

My PCP prescribed antibiotics for me, which did not work. So I went to an eye doc, who gave me eye drops with steroids in them. Thank god for those. I'm still uncomfortable, but at least I don't want to scratch my eyes out anymore.

The best part? There's nothing that can make this go away, except time. 7-10 flipping days!!! 5 down so far, with no real signs of improvement. I'm thinking about trying Zicam - if it works for colds, it might work for this, right????

The reason this sucks is multi-fold. First, my eyes are constantly leaking tears, so I have to dab at them with a tissue every 15-20 minutes. And then I have to wash my hands. All this wiping, plus cleaning that I have to do when I wake up in the morning in order to get my eyes unstuck, means that the skin under my eyes is incredibly dry. It looks as if I'm about 80 years old. I put moisturizer on this morning, and it stung like heck. And of course, all the handwashing means my hands are incredibly dry and sore too. Ugh.

Safety first

I had to make an unexpected purchase today. I got an email alert from babycenter yesterday, with links to the latest Consumer Reports study on infant carseats. Much to my dismay, I read that the Britax Companion carseat, which we had specifically bought based on it having the best ratings from the previous CR tests, failed their new tests. Both with the LATCH system and when secured by seatbelts. And the failures seem spectacularly bad.

So, off to purchase a new car seat. I could never forgive myself if I didn't, and Antony were hurt in an accident.

He had his 4 month appointment on Thursday, and came in at 26.5 inches, 92nd percentile for height! Given that the Graco carseat that is now the top CR infant seat recommendation only accomodates infants up to 29 inches, it seemed silly to us to bother, as he'd likely outgrow it in short order. So I went out and bought the Evenflo Triumph convertible seat, which garnered the highest CR safety recommendation in these latest tests. I'm bummed that I won't be able to put Ant to sleep in his carseat, then carry him out to the car, anymore. But it is what it is.

(Ant was in the 50th percentile for weight at 15lb 1 oz - weight for height he was in the 5th percentile. I guess he's a string-bean!).

Resolved

I don't usually do New Year's resolutions, because I don't see the reason to wait to make changes. But I've been thinking about these things, so what the heck, now is as good a time to start as any.

I also think that Suz's idea of having metricable resolutions is an excellent one. So, keeping that in mind, my resolutions are:

1. Lift weights at least three times a week.

Up until Ant's birth, I had been lifting weights at least 2x/week for almost four years. Except for the 9 weeks during my pregnancy when I wasn't allowed to exercise. Since his birth, number of times I've done it? One - today! I feel so weak and out of shape, even though the baby weight is gone. So I will start doing some light lifting in the basement (getting to the gym is really out of the question) during his morning nap.

2. Change out of my pajamas every day.

Don't laugh, there have been a number of days recently where I have not bothered to get dressed. Which is all well and good, I'm not seeing anyone or anything like that. But it makes me feel slovenly and yucky (forgetting to brush my teeth and put on deodorant probably has something to do with that!). And it's not even as if I don't have time to change, I've just been lazy. So that ends today as well.

3. Do my diastasis (abdominal separation) reduction exercises at least 2x/day until I feel like it's totally fixed.

That's all I've got for now.

My first foray to the basement for weight lifting this morning was amusing. I pulled out a couple of old "Shape" magazines I used to use for a quick exercise routine, figuring those would be a good place to start. First, a quick aerobic warmup - the magazine had a five minute routine, which I remember used to get my heartrate up pretty quickly. Starts with some marching, then jogging in place, jumping jacks, squats, punches, kicks... Got to the jogging, and very quickly realized that it wasn't going to work! When I was doing this before I had little "A" sized bubbies. Bouncing up and down, no problem. Now? Not so much. I didn't feel like stopping to go upstairs to get some more support (I was just wearing my cotton nursing bra), so instead I used my hands. Effective, although unwieldy. But next time I will plan ahead a bit more. I always wanted bigger boobs, but now I'm actually kinda looking forward to going back to the little ones that didn't get in the way!