Monday, May 21, 2007

rats and snails and puppy dog tails

Although approximately 99% of having a baby is sugar and spice and all things nice, there are definitely a few things that are not so pleasant. I think (hope?) that all of us feel some of these things at one time or another. It has definitely had some effects on my relationship with M - not as much nooky, for one. I didn't know it was possible to have a negative libido! Oh yes, though. I have not been "in the mood" since Ant was conceived. I do my wifely duties, and I do mostly enjoy it when I do, but I'm really hoping that once I quit BFing I'll actually feel some desire again. (Please, don't disabuse me of that notion if it's not the case. Let me live in my little fantasy world!)

BFing is another thing that has to my surprise become somewhat unpleasant. I have not been one of those people who loves breastfeeding, and feels closer to their child when doing it. As Jenn has said, I do it because I think it's the best source of nutrition for him, and because I had a relatively easy time of it. I always wanted to nurse for at least six months, and when I got there I saw no reason to stop. All of a sudden though, in the last few weeks, I'm ready to be done.

Our routine now is that I feed Ant first thing when he wakes up in the morning, usually around 6:30, at 10-11, 3-4, and then one last time at bedtime. He's mostly eating for 10 min or less during the day, and around 10 min/ side in the early am or last feed of the day. Which, in comparison to the 40 min + marathons of the early days, is really nothing.

Which is why my reaction to his feeding recently somewhat surprises me. I've been feeling quite claustrophobic when he nurses for any length of time. I'm good for the 10 min, 12, but anything over 15 and I start getting antsy. I've found myself thinking, sometimes, "get off get off get off". And then I feel bad for feeling that way. He's woken up at midnight the last three nights and won't go back to sleep without nursing, and then it's been particularly bad. I think because I'm really tired and just want to sleep, and he's keeping me from it. Intellectually I know that it is nothing that he is doing on purpose (I'm hoping it's just a growth spurt - no disabusing me of that idea either ;-), but emotionally I'm finding it quite difficult to calm myself and be okay with it.

A little while ago I had posted that I might even go longer than a year, but the way I'm feeling right now, there's just no way. I don't really see the point in switching to formula now, only to go to cows milk in three months, so I will likely stick it out until that point. But I really don't see us going any longer than that. Of course things can always change again - we'll see.

I still have more rats and snails to go (more relationship stuff), but I think I'll save that for another time.


Eva said...

We've been in biting mode lately so BFing has me full of apprehension. And they eat every 2 hours. At least they're quick, though, 15 minutes does seem like a while these days. Hope you get more in the mood... for all things!

I forgot you had that bad mommy post recently -- I knew someone had something like that recently so I hope you don't think I plagarized (a blog I read just accused another of plagarism recently and it was pretty blatant!).

Emma B. and I were pregnant at the same time and I was reading all about her pregnancy before I started my blog (gee, am I plagarizing from her, too?). I guess it makes sense that people with the same aged kids are going through similar things at the same time!

We were in Boston for a conference in April but no, don't live there. We all want to go back, though!

Okay, I'm stop hijacking with this long comment. Hope lots of sugar and spice are in your future.

OvaGirl said...

For the first time I'm starting to think about stopping the breast feeding too Nico even tho I have mostly enjoyed it. I think it's because mostly, T only has one or at the most two feeds during the day, perhaps a little before bed but not always and then I feed him at 4 or 5 in the morning and then again at about 6. It just seems like not a whole lot and I wonder about my supply and if it's drying up etc. Iwas planning to feed him until 12 months at least and we're only 2 off that so i guess we'll keep going and see how it is...

DD said...

I'm glad you wrote this post b/c I find it hard to imagine that breastfeeding every day, multiple times a day is all that and a bag of chips, too (I gave up at 2 months).

I'm sure you can make it another 3 mos. I've never known you to give up on anything and I hope the renewed energy will go back towards those "wifely duties" without feeling like a duty.

T said...

Happy Birthday(?)!

I didn't get that far on the bfing as my supply dried up (more useless features!) at 5.5 months, but I will say that everything is exacerbated when you're sleep deprived. I hope he sleeps for you tonight!

Laughed my ass off at 'wifely duties' - ha ha!

T said...

Oh and you've seen sugar and spice with A - makes for a lot of energy!