Sunday, December 09, 2007

Definitely NOT something.

I went and bought a real test today, and it was the usual snowy white I am used to seeing. So perhaps there was an attempt at something, but it just didn't get very far.

I'm mostly okay. Hell, I get to get sloshed on NYE, that's a positive, right? I can drink a bottle of wine at Xmas, and at the parties we're going to next week. All good.

What I can't stop thinking about though is a comment my mom made to me when I told her a few months ago that we were trying again. The background for this is that she firmly believes that three years is the ideal separation for kids, and it took her a good long while to show any enthusisasm for my sister's latest pregnancy (a fucking "OOPS" pregnancy no less) where her kids are just over two years apart. I figured I would tell her that we were trying so hopefully she wouldn't be as shocked if we made an announcement. What she said to me was "I hope it doesn't happen too quickly".

She has gotten her wish. Not too quickly. *I* just wish she could be a little more supportive. First of all, I am three years older now than she was when she had my younger sister. And, given that we did not concieve quickly the first time, I would think she could say something like "I hope you don't have as much trouble as you did before!". But no.

And then there's my sister. I know that she doesn't get it because she had no trouble falling pregnant with her daughter, and clearly no trouble this time around. But still, I would like it if occasionally, just occasionally she would actually just call and ask how I'm doing. I called her yesterday to tell her about my faintest of faint lines - if the situation were reversed I can guarantee that I would have called her today to see if there was more news, either positive or negative. But have I heard from her? Not a peep. I don't really think that is a lot to ask.

I know that I am preaching to the choir here. Not that I would wish infertility on anyone, but in some ways I think that if everyone had to experience at least having to actually try for a few months before getting pregnant, that there would be a bit more sympathy and understanding out there. Especially from your own fucking family.

10 comments:

Emma B. said...

Gah, I think I'd have said something to my mom. I'm so grateful she knows better than to say stupid crap like that...

Sorry about the chemical, or the evap-line false hope, or whatever it was.

MsPrufrock said...

I'm sorry Nico. My family have occasional lapses of infertility-related ignorance, but nothing particularly offensive. I hear you on the sister thing though, in the sense that I thought the same in regard to some of my friends before I got pregnant. I'd spend ages agonising over break-ups and general life problems with them, yet all of my problems yielded very little response.

Boo to all of them, you've got us, right??

VanillaDreams said...

Unfortunately, I know friends and family who had to "try" from anywhere from a "few months" to a "full year", and trust me, IT DOES *NOT* MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

Unfortunately.

I wish I could say that in my experience, the people who had to "try" to get pregnant for a few months or a year were more supportive, said less hurtful things, etc., etc. But, sadly, NO.

If anything, it makes it WORSE , because then, these stupid people THINK they know what IF is like!!! And they lump in their experiences of "having SEX" for a few consecutive months to achieve that healthy pregnancy (no miscarriages for them!) to your own personal experience with invasive medical procedures, IVF hell, and miscarriage after miscarriage.

This sounds mean, but I do sometimes think the world would be better off if everyone experienced at least one miscarriage, and every one needed at least one year of TTC, AND at least some level of medical intervention to conceive.

It's mean, but at least it would level the playing field just a little bit. Of course, we would still have the people who love the Pain Olympics, and would be trying to compete for who had the worst TTC experience....But I don't know, in my warped, bitter mind, I would like to think things would be a bit easier for me if the playing field was more equal.

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear about your early pg/early loss/false positive -- that sucks no matter what (and so does your mom's comment).

FWIW, I would tell your mom truthfully about how her comment made you feel, and what she could have said in place of it that would have made you feel a little better.

hugs to you
xx
Nilla

Bon said...

just wanted to say sorry Nico, all around.

the lack of empathy particularly resonates for me. i'm lucky - my mom has all sorts of those little mental narratives about ideal spacing and such, but is able to try to see things from my perspective, and ultimately is supportive when i'm joyful or in pain. but the other side of my family? i have a much younger half-sister who's currently pregnant and who hasn't emailed or called since my m/c. nor did she email, call or otherwise acknowledge the death of our firstborn a few years ago. i assume she doesn't know what to say. but i can't help but think that then she should have to grow up before she freaking has a baby! bah. i'm just hurt.

and sorry you are too.

Dooneybug said...

Sorry about the negative and your family's reactions. It's all very disappointing.

Kristen/Chris said...

I'm so sorry-- both for the neg test and for your family's handling of the situation. I also think that saying something to your mom might not be a bad idea. At least, then the ball is in her court and you will have less resentment to harbor.
Yay for getting sloshed for NYE!!!!

DD said...

You have my permission to use our life as an example of what happens: we started trying when people told us 3 years is a good break as well. We got pregnant and we were a little bummed when there would be 3 1/2 years between. Obviously, you know how that went.

Even if this one works out, it'll now be 6 1/2 years.

You do what YOU need to do and everyone else can bite your hiney.

OvaGirl said...

Nico, that sux and I'm sorry. It is amazing how people just don't get it, sometimes even family and friends who supposedly know exactly what we went through. I think they block it out or something. It just proves to me yet again how insidious infertility is...

Sorry about all that white too.

lucky #2 said...

Damn the whiteness...

I think your sister and mother need to be beaten with your test sticks! You would think that they might have "gotten it" with your struggles before, but I think they have the IF niaveness all over again. I am sure they think "well, it worked once, it will happen again." Unfortunately, only us IFers know that things aren't always that simple.

Sorry for the whiteness and the lack of understanding from your family. :(

Nicole said...

Seriously why can't family be better. I kid you not, my sister has called me a total of 3 times this entire pregnancy, and 2 of them were in the last week or so. Some people are very hurtful.