Uterine update #1

I had my HSG today - okay news, but not great. One of my tubes appears to be blocked - the dye wouldn't go into that part of my uterus at all. The radiologist said that it could be that my uterus was spasming during the test and that's why - or it could be blocked. As one tends to ovulate from alternating sides, it likely means we'll only have a shot of getting pg every other month. And I'm pretty sure I O'ed from my right side (good tube) last month. So I think this month is likely going to be fruitless. Not that we won't try anyway, but not terribly hopeful. :-(

Should hear back from my doc tomorrow on scheduling u/s throughout my cycle (currently CD14 with snowy white OPKs), so hopefully we'll get some good news from those!

And the reproductive endocringologist says...

We can go to injections probably starting next cycle.

I was totally taken aback. I was expecting at least a few months of lower intervention treatments before pulling out those guns again.

Needless to say, I am SO not going there, for a good long while. I had four failed injectibles cycles, thank you very much, so why exactly do we think all of a sudden this will work?

I am cycling on my own, despite their not being textbook cycles (okay, fairly far from textbook with the late ovulation AND short LPs), but I feel like we should be able to work with that.

What surprised me was that Dr. C. didn't seem to think that anything had changed with my HA status despite the fact that I AM cycling now. She still said that she didn't think that Clomid would do anything, based on my low e2 and LH levels from before. (b/w this time: e2=32, FSH 6.4, LH 3.2 - e2 is about what it was BA, LH is almost double, which I think is a good sign?)

She's doing a full IF workup on me, bloodwork, HSG scheduled for next week mostly because I had a C-section with Ant to check for adhesions, and bloodwork and SA for M as well. Also u/s throughout my cycle to see what's going on. Then we'll meet again on 12/4 to discuss.

She doesn't believe in LPD, which I've heard from a number of other sources, rather that it's a follicular phase defect - which makes a lot of sense to me. And is indicated by my rather long follicular phase (21 and 28 days so far, 8 and counting this cycle). So the u/s will hopefully help figure out whether my follicles are just not maturing properly, or if they are mature but there are problems with the corpus luteum.

I did manage to score some progesterone to use in my LP. I'm hoping that does the trick, and I won't need anything else.

I really thought that I had this fricking thing kicked.

Frustration

Every now and again we have a day that just makes me crazy. And they have been coming more and more often in recent weeks.

It's a combination of things: Ant having a fair number of words, but not for everything he wants to do, becoming less interested in his toys and more interested in general household items, and our not having been very good about saying 'no' to him, setting up expectations.

We spent a lot of time yesterday with me being the mommy taxi, him pointing at the spice cupboard or the clean dishes or the refrigerator saying "eh eh eh eh eh", me responding "what do you WANT???" followed by "no, that's not a good idea" when I finally managed to figure it out, and him screaming.

And then I was working during his naps, so no downtime. AND he woke up at the ungodly (these days) hour of 5:05 ante-meridian. This time change just freaking sucks. HSHHC saying that putting them to bed later does not mean a later wake up time is definitely true, much to my chagrin. On top of that, we were cooped up inside all day because it was pouring and cold outside. Yuck.

Anyway, all of that combined to make me just about ready to tear my hair out by the end of the day. I was SO glad to see M when he got home! Just a phase, I keep telling myself. Just a phase.

We're off to see the RE

The fat lady just sang a big old aria in the keys of A and F. A measly eight days after I *finally* ovulated, on CD28. I got a heads up yesterday because my temp dropped, so I called my RE's office. I had been debating about it shortly before I finally O'ed - given that my cycle does not seem to be trending towards normal, I think it's time to call in the cavalry. I was lucky enough to get an appointment for Friday, which I was really hoping for so that I could do something about this upcoming cycle. I would like to walk away from that appointment with a prescription in my hot little hands for Clomid or Femara to help me O earlier, and progesterone to help with the LP. We'll see.

I already knew how very, incredibly lucky I was to get pregnant with Ant, these irregular cycles make me appreciate it even more. The decision I made on that natural cycle to use the progesterone just in case, seems now to be likely the thing that made all the difference.

Finally!!!

I was completely convinced on Sunday that I was not going to O this cycle until something ridiculous like CD42. My CM apparently dried up, my temp was that of a person near death (96.6), and my OPK was negative.

I wasn't even going to do another OPK on Monday, CM was still practically nonexistent, but a friend from the HA board said that I really should because you just never know. My OPK from the day before had appeared a bit darker, but that just seemed like the pattern I'd already observed twice before this cycle.

So... I peed on another stick on Monday. To my complete astonishment, it was an almost positive. And as I had had a lot to drink and gone to the bathroom 2.5 hours before, I figured that was good enough.

Temping confirmed my O (my THIRD!!!) on Monday or perhaps Tuesday. CD 27/28. About flipping time :-)

So now I'm in my second first 2ww. Not expecting much, but having a smidgen of hope.

Now for something completely different

My mom is an avid gardener, and has stocked my little plot with numerous interesting plants over the years we've live here. Her latest offering were some dahlias that friends of hers who own a nursery were giving away to loving homes. I adore them, they are flowering at this time of year when there isn't much else of interest in the garden. And I think they are incredibly beautiful blossoms. So I thought I'd share.

Not-so-rose-tinted glasses

I am so flipping frustrated with my stupid body. I do believe I have the hypothalamic amenorrhea kicked. What I don't have kicked is totally irregular cycles. I have had a visit from the crimson bitch twice since I stopped BFing. The first time was four days after I ovulated, right as BFing ended. The second was 29 days later - 8 days after a CD21 O. I remember having had somewhat long cycles back from when I was a teenager, before any birth control, so I figured, okay, I'm going to O on around CD21... slightly longer than normal, but I can manage that.

So then we decide we're ready to ttc again. I should have known that was a recipe for my body going haywire. I started having EWCM on CD 8 this cycle. I was totally surprised - pleasantly so, thinking that maybe I'd actually O around CD14 and be normal. That dried up a couple of days later. No big deal.

Then it started again, CD13 this time. At this point, my 'no temping no OPKing' idea went out of the window. I was obsessing way more about whether I was going to O or not that I would using those things. So I started charting. This round of EW lasted for three days, then dried up again. So much for a normal length cycle.

Third time's the charm, right? My latest round of EW started on Monday, that's FIVE days ago - and still no positive OPK. Nor a temp rise, so it's not as if I O'ed and just didn't catch the surge. I am currently CD24, with no end in sight.

When I got pregnant with Ant, I O'ed on CD42. I thought, at the time, that it was so late because it was my first natural cycle in oh, forever. Now I'm rethinking that. Perhaps that is normal for me? I *wish* that I had paid attention when I was a teenager so I'd have a better idea of what to expect now.

I had set my baseline expectation at CD21 based on last cycle, but perhaps I should not anticipate O'ing until CD42 and then I'll feel less frustrated. I just wish I knew what was going on with all this egg-white. I'm almost getting to the point where I want to call my RE and see if I can go in for an u/s just to see what things are looking like inside. Do I have a decent sized follicle, that I could just take a trigger shot for? Or am I trundling along, follicle-less, and my hypothalamus is just playing tricks on me?

Damn, I *hate* not being in control, not knowing what is going on.

It's official

The proverbial goalie has been pulled. We are no longer doing anything to prevent pregnancy, so we are officially 'trying'. I'm in such a different space than I was in 2005 when we were attempting to get pregnant with the baby who turned out to be Ant.

I'm actually cycling! They may not be perfect (late O and 5 and 8 day LP's so far), but I have had two visits from the crimson bitch.

I'm approximately 16 pounds heavier.

I'm exercising about 1/4 as much.

I have my libido back after many, many years absence - wooo-hooo!

I am trying not to let my type A side take charge - no temping, no OPKs.

Finding it so much easier to interact with my pregnant sister (she was pregnant when we were ttc Ant as well - *hard*)

Experiencing the optimistim that most people have when they decide to try and concieve their first baby. (I knew I had problems pretty much from the get-go last time.)

Hoping that I can keep these rose colored glasses on!

You can call me obnoxious. Really, you can.

Soooo.... That post I wrote Friday night (I think) about the line between proud mom and bragging. If you didn't see it, you really didn't miss anything. Well, anything good. It was obnoxious. I SO crossed the line. If you did see it, I really apologize. I was in a bad mood after an interaction with a friend who goes on and on about her kid, and I wrote the post in that frame of mind. It was never my intention to make anyone feel bad, or be hurtful in anyway, and when I read it over a few hours later I realized that it could. And that it was just generally out of line. So I deleted it, hoping that bloglines would not pick it up and I could just pretend that it never happened. But it did get picked up, and so now you all know my inner asshole. Hopefully you'll forgive me this time, I'll work on squashing her some more, and we can still be friends?

Walking wounded

I play ice hockey with a bunch of guys every Tuesday morning. Today I got in the way of a slap shot (inadvertantly, my modus operandi is usually 'get the hell out of the way'). I took the shot off the inside of my thigh, where there is zero protection. I'm finding the bruise and associated swelling quite fascinating. You can actually see the track down the middle where the puck hit!

Updates

I think CB is on the way - know why I think that? Because I'm getting my second yeast infection in a month (and my temp was down today too). The little booklet that came with the medicine I got last time did say that it could be associated with AF. Never happened to me before, but now, both cycles! Post-coital burning last night was NOT a pleasant sensation. I really hope this is not going to be a monthly occurrence. On the plus side, it looks like my LP this month will be 8 days, up from 5 last month. Heading in the right direction, at least!

Long term effects

DD mentioned in a recent post how she was always the last one picked for teams through her school years.

Me too.

And as I was reading her post I was thinking about how my status in the social hierarchy during my early teen years has affected me through the rest of my life.

As a kid I was not particularly athletic, nor particularly popular. I had my friends, but we were definitely not the cool crowd - in fact, I often joke that I was a 'band geek'. I did go to music camp. My life was about academics, band, chorus, orchestra, small ensemble, and my friends who were mostly into the same things.

I was quite shy. An introvert. I moved to a new school when I was in third grade, and the teachers called my parents in; I wasn't playing with the other children during recess, but rather reading books.

I always wanted so desperately to fit in, to be cool, to be liked. Not to be laughed at. I was a late bloomer, and often got teased about it. In sixth grade I was standing next to the trash bin and one of the boys used me to bank a crumpled piece of paper off to 'score'. And then made a lovely joke about how I was flat enough to be a backboard. I got teased for my shoes - I had the velcro kind with cartoon characters on them, even in sixth grade. Never wore those again.

I didn't drink or go to parties, wasn't sexually active until late in high school. All of which meant that I was on the outside looking in. Another incident that will always stay with me was Halloween of sophomore year of high school; my little group of friends got together at my house, dressed up and went trick or treating. Of course we happened to go to the house of one of our classmates who was having a party - the laughter when he opened the door and saw us was particularly cruel.

I got used to being an observer. Wanting desperately to participate, but afraid to do so. Used to being left out, overlooked, picked last.

That feeling has stayed with me well into my adult years. I'm a lot less shy, have become athletic, have taken on plenty of leadership positions, and am well-liked in any group situation I'm in, I still have the fears of being left behind and laughed at.

Case in point - when I went to NYC to meet up with the two ladies I had met on the HA board. They have each flown cross-country to visit the other, so clearly know each other much better than I do. As we walked from the park where we had met up for lunch back to the trump towers for the babies' naps, I was totally anticipating them walking side by side, conversing with each other while I walked behind trying despearately to be part of it. To my surprise and pleasure, my fears were totally unfounded. Sometimes the three of us wuold talk, sometimes, me and L, or me and S, or S and L, but I didn't feel like a third wheel as I was totally expecting to.

Then this week I was at an offsite for work (my first nights away from Ant!). We had some unexpected free time on Wednesday afternoon, so a group of the 'cool' kids was going out for a drink. I asked them to wait for me while I ran up to my room, came back down anticipating that they would have left without me - but they were still there. Then we had a nice time, during which I was completely included in the conversation, and even some of the jokes and teasing that inevitably goes on in those situations.

So clearly I am not the social pariah that I once was, and most other people have grown out of the cliques of the high school era. But the innermost little girl in me is still so afraid!

How about you? Do you have any similar demons from middle and high school? If you were one of the popular crowd back then, do you have a different viewpoint on things, both then and now?

Cured!?!?!

As I'm sure you're all aware, I was crossing my breath and holding my fingers that I would cycle normally again after finishing breastfeeding.

I had one false alarm towards the end of BFing, and then a real ovulation right around the time I stopped, with the good old crimson bitch showing up a measly 5 days later. But she showed up!!!

Around CD10 of this cycle (and I am so excited that I can say that!) I started seeing some fertile signs, so started temping and OPKing. Today (CD20), I got a real positive OPK! Last time I had two days where the test line was almost as dark but not quite, and then did O after that - today's test was actually even darker than the control line. So I think I'm ready to call it - I no longer have hypothalamic amenorrhea. I may have other cycle issues, but it seems clear that my hypothalamus is sending out the signals it's supposed to be.

I am just over the moon!!!

Giving New Yorkers a bad name

A couple of weeks ago (yikes!) Ant and I went to NYC for the day to meet up with a couple of women I have met on the HA message board. It was a last minute decision to go - one of the women was visiting for the week from Colorado, so I decided that it was unlikely that I'd get another chance to see her anytime soon so I'd give it a shot.

I left on Tuesday night right around Ant's bedtime of 7pm, hoping that he'd fall asleep on the way down. He did, but not until 8:40 or so. He was reasonably content in his car seat, so that wasn't too bad. When we arrived in NYC, we were staying with a good friend of mine from college. (Sidebar - we realized we've known each other for over fifteen years, I can't believe college was that long ago!!!). Ant was SO excited when we arrived, there was no way my plan of putting him immediately in his Pack-n-Play to go to sleep was going to work. All the cars for him to look at "cah cah cah!", lights "ight, IGHT!" - just too much excitement. He finally went to sleep again at around 1am. And then of course we were awoken at 4am by a stupid truck blaring its horn right outside the window. I took Ant into the bed with me (which I hardly ever do), so he got some more sleep, but I really didn't.

The next day we hung out with my friend and her little dog, whom Ant totally loved. He kept sticking his hands out for the dog to lick. So cute. Then the pooch would try and lick Ant's face, he would put his hands up to push her away, and make the cutest expression of disgust. Too funny.

Around lunch time, we headed down to the subway to meet up with the other women from the HA board and their girls. I was a little dismayed to find that the subway system is not very handicap (i.e. stroller) accessible. I ended up walking about a mile to get to a station with an elevator, which took me down to the main concourse. I couldn't for the life of me find another elevator to get down to the tracks, so eventually asked a guy who looked like he worked there. After he looked around for a minute and couldn't find anything, he very nicely offered to help me carry the stroller down the stairs. Score one for the New Yorkers!

On the other end, I got out of the train, with no sign of elevators anywhere, so another random nice guy helped me get the stroller up all the stairs, and then even pointed me in the right direction. New Yorkers, plus two.

We had a really nice time with my compatriots and their daughters. We all had lunch in a park, then Ant needed a nap (I forgot to mention that in addition to his stroller I was toting around his Pack-n-Play - surprisingly it fit nicely in the bottom of our wheels). So we went back, not to S's apartment as it was very small, but to the apartment of a friend of hers where L was staying - in the Trump Towers. Very swish!

Ant took a decent nap, and then we had to get on our way to meet up with someone else from the board. I was walking at a reasonably good pace to get back to the subway station, as I was afraid we would be late, and of course my cell phone was dying. (What on earth did we do before cell phones???). I was on the far left of the sidewalk, and saw a man in camoflage walking on the far right. I thought to myself, "Oh, I hope he's going to the train station too, I'm sure he'd be willing to help me carry the stroller down". Yeah. Not so much. He turned to me all the way on the other side of the sidewalk as I passed him, and said in a thoroughly nasty tone of voice, "Oh sure, just push everyone out of your way". I turned to look at him because I got the sense he was talking to me but had no idea why, and he said "Yes, I'm talking to you. I don't know how you sleep at night".

I was so taken aback. Granted, with the Graco metrolite stroller, we were not exactly city friendly, but I didn't run into anyone, nor was I pushing anyone out of my way at all. And I was totally no where near him. I just found it so bizarre! And such a contrast to all the other people who had been so nice and helpful to me earlier. And again when I did get to the station. I was laughing to myself afterwards - he should have seen me earlier when S, L and I were walking three across with our strollers on the sidewalk, or maneuvering through the deli where we got our lunch.

The rest of the day was just lovely, and Ant slept the entire way home and didn't even wake up when we transferred him to his crib on my arrival. All in all I was very glad that we went. Except for that one jerk!

New score in - wolves 2, Nico - jackpot!!!

Chain of evidence:

Temp way down yesterday.

Signs of an imminent yeast infection. Lovely.

Some cramping in the am - felt much more like CB cramps than GI... ???

Purchased 1-day yeast infection treatment last night.

Used it.

Pantyliners today to deal with the drippage.

Lots of drippage.

Lots and LOTS of drippage.

Getting more and more pink-ish through the day????

Explanation number one - some wierd fungal disease turning my lady bits pink.

Explanation number two - crimson bitch?

End of day check suggests number two. Only a five day LP, but holy shit! An LP!!! An ovulation that I caught!!! The renowned crimson bitch paying a visit (with thanks to Mollywogger for a much better term than AF)!!!!!!

Yiipppppppppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Round two - wolves 2, Nico 0.

I'm amusing myself. Which is good because I think everyone else is sick of this train of thought.

My temp was up on Friday, up on Saturday and very clearly NOT up today. So unfortunately I think that this week's potential O was yet another false hope.

What I find very interesting, though, is that it was 29 days after the last time I thought I may have. So clearly something is going on with my hormones, I'm just not all the way there yet.

Stopped BFing completely as of Thursday - I have enough frozen milk to make it to that magical one year mark, and I'm taking that as good enough. Ant was not terribly pleased with me the last night we nursed, popping on and off and never really drinking much. I don't know if I just wasn't letting down quickly enough or what. So I'm not as sad about it as I thought I might be. In fact, I'm somewhat relieved.

No more wolves - I think!

Okay, so I've been diligently peeing on sticks every day since last Friday. Oh, how I missed it! (Not, and yet not!)

As I mentioned, I was getting essentially no line for the first few days. A line so faint that even when I squinted I wasn't sure I could actually see it. BUT! Two days ago, it was much darker. Still not a positive, not as dark as the control line, but damn close. And then yesterday the same.

And all kinds of crampy things going on last night.

Today's OPK was back to the nonexistent line again.

I think I should go to bed now so I can check my temp in the morning.

O.b.sessing!

am temp = up. cautiously optimistic!!!

The girl who cried "O, AF" (updated)

I have been obsessing. And obsessing. And trying not to obsess, but not managing. As is probably clear from the tenor of my last few posts.

Yesterday my back was hurting me which is my usual PMS symptom. I was initially writing it off as being due to the weeding I'd done the night before. But then I was sitting in a meeting, and started feeling all crampy. I totally couldn't concentrate on the meeting, all I could think was "maybe AF tomorrow????" "what if..." "do we want to start trying already?".... and so on and so on.

Then, I went to the loo, and lo and behold, EWCM?!?!?!? Quite stretchy, around an inch or so. So then I was thinking, maybe ovulation really is just around the corner this time??? Clearly my body is trying to do *something*.

I got home and actualy peed on a leftover OPK I had. No sign of any kind of second line whatsoever. Oh well.

Today's TP adventure, however - I have never ever seen so much CM, EVER. So I think I'm going to buy some more OPKs on my way home and try again.

Did I say that I'm obsessed???
***********************************
So I purchased a 20 pack of OPKs on my way home. Peed as soon as I arrived. That nervous anticipation you all know so well - and the result? A "light of a thousand suns" second line. WTF? I always thought that EW was related to LH, but I guess not! Must be estrogen??

Accidental weaning.

The only time I can manage to get some exercising in is first thing in the morning. So of the three days I go to work, I head to the gym first Mon/Thur, and play hockey on Tuesday mornings. The hockey is tough with nursing because I need to leave before Ant gets up. I used to dream feed him, but these days, if I pick him up to nurse he wakes up. So that's no good. The last few weeks M has been giving him a bottle when he gets up, and I've pumped at work.

Today was a bit of a funny day, because it turned out my mom hurt herself and couldn't come to babysit. So rather than going to work after hockey, I came back home. Fully intending to pump - but didn't! Ant has been asking for more milk every morning when he's finished nursing anyway, so it's clear that my supply is no longer keeping up with his demand. And after a day off, I can imagine it's going to be even worse. So we might be down to just one nursing session a day, by default.

I'm almost considering stopping now, but I want to be able to say that I nursed for a year. Being part of that 11% or whatever it is. Stupid, I know!

Sigh

Despite that I didn't really think that I had O'ed, based on my temps going back to my coverline 5 "dpo", I'm still a tiny bit bummed that the crimson bitch has not paid me a visit yet. (I think tomorrow is 14 "dpo"). And there is NO way that I'm pg, unless it was a virginal conception, so that's not it.

On one plus side (and WAY too much information, but it's my blog so too bad), I am having so much CM at the moment my panties were stuck to me tonight!

I'm planning on weaning Ant after his first birthday, which is in three short weeks. Un-fricking-real. I am continuing to believe that I've done what I needed to in not going crazy with weight loss post baby, and not exercising too much (ha, like that's even an option!), and that CB will make her much anticipated appearance a month or two (or even a few short weeks, can I dare to be so brazen?) after weaning is completed.

Since I stopped pumping while at work, and Ant stopped biting me, nursing has become a much more pleasant experience. Especially now, when speed nursing is the order of the day. 8 min one side, 4 min the other and we're done! He really likes to hold onto my arm when he's nursing now, I couldn't have imagined myself saying this even a month ago, but I'm going to miss it. I'm going to miss the feeling of that little hand patting my arm, and waving in the air searching for it when I go to pick up my book or my water bottle. Ant pointing at the nursing chair making the milk sign first thing in the morning, and the flapping of his arms when he sees me come in at night after Dad has read the bedtime stories, because he's so excited for his bedtime milk. Weaning is going to be a little harder than I imagined, I think. For both of us. So even though I'm excited to start cycling again (positive thinking, positive thinking), I'm a little nostalgic as well.