Friday, June 18, 2010


I really was doing okay most of this week. Physically I still felt absolutely fine (although mildly nauseous Wednesday night and I went to bed at 8pm which never happens). Emotionally I did feel a bit numb, except when I told a friend at work whom I had told about the pg the week before. I was bawling in her office. Which in a way made me feel better as I hadn't cried at all since leaving the doctor's office on Friday. It's fairly easy to tell people via the sterile medium of the internet, but actually saying it out loud was hard. Really hard.

Then my doctor's office called today to say that the pathology report had come back, and they were unable to identify any "products of conception". The docs had spoken to the OB who did the D&C and she was surprised as she was sure they had gotten everything. And they're not overly concerned about retained 'products' as I'm feeling totally normal. But, they wanted me to come in for a beta, and probably a few more over the next few weeks, to make sure that it is decreasing appropriately.

Honestly, I have almost found this news harder to take than even the initial shock of seeing that Schweffel had no heartbeat. I know so many people who have had miscarriages, from chemicals to well into the second trimester that it was not a shock to me. I wasn't expecting the baby to be dead, but I wasn't NOT expecting it either. So yeah, it sucked, but in a way I had prepared myself for it. This, though, hadn't even crossed my mind. No genetic testing, no finding out the baby's gender (did my following the chinese calendar for the girl I would love to have work?), no nothing.

I had imagined myself getting a sense of closure from the results. Now I have no evidence whatsoever that there was a baby inside me. Two positive pregnancy tests which I threw out because they were getting nasty looking (I did at least take a picture), and one ultrasound that I didn't even get a picture from. I DID see a baby there, I DID. But there's nothing left, not even a few chromosomes. Oh yeah and I have a lovely beer gut too. I had convinced myself that it was getting smaller but really that was just wishful thinking.

I'm trying really hard to avoid thinking about worst case scenarios (and based on things some of my friends have gone through like two rounds of misoprostol followed by three D&C's, I can come up with some doozies.) It's hard to be optimistic though. I guess that's what this news has taken away from me. I was lucky enough to get pregnant on our first cycle trying this time. So I was imagining that I would be pregnant again in the near enough future. Now I can't even think about that because I feel like there are too many hurdles to overcome. I know I'm being a little melodramatic but I really do feel like I've been punched in the gut after just having had surgery.


JV said...

I'm sorry... I know, it's hard, it's never easy, it's never fair. It sucks. Let it heal a bit, give yourself the space to mourn the loss. It seems to me that you have very good chances of everything working out ok next time, and it's not as far away as it seems right now. Sending you good thoughts.

Nico said...

Thanks JV! I did just talk to Mark about it and he reminded me that really, the absolute worst case scenario is that we have two wonderful boys in our lives. And he's so right. Sometimes I lose sight of that, but he's so right. I am very very lucky, whatever happens with this pregnancy and any future one or not.

mara said...

Oh, Nico. I'm so sorry. This sounds weird to say, but I'm glad you cried about it - I think it helps to get all that emotion out.

That sucks about the POC. I know what you mean about closure and I'm sorry it came as yet another punch in the gut.

I hope you just have to have a few betas to make sure everything is going down okay and no other drama. And I hope your beer gut disappears soon. I think it took maybe a week for my body to get the memo that it could lose the bloat?