Sunday, June 27, 2010

can I get some cheese with that whine?

I got a call from my doc on Thursday, saying that the pathology report was back and this time they did find fetal tissue. So that at least is good (seems like genetic analysis will happen after all). And I had a little bleeding on Monday but not much, but it picked up again on Wednesday and seemed kinda like period bleeding, so I'm thinking that's a good sign too. She said based on that, no more betas... but I ordered some internet cheapies so that I can see if in fact it does get back to undetectable at some point. Theoretically a dose of 10,000 units of hcg is out of your system in 7-10 days, so I'm thinking that my beta should be undectable probably in around 11-12, although it does seem that there are some tissue reserves that are left behind so that it can take a bit longer.

Emotionally I'm doing alright. despite the fact that I feel okay most of the time, I have a really hard time telling anyone who doesn't know already. And I also am feeling really crappy in general because I totally still look like I'm pg (I have an abdominal muscle separation from Ant and Timmy, so I pop really early) - I have never had a small waist, but it already had gone from 29.5 to 32 inches... and so now none of my clothes fit and I just feel gross. It's very different when you can rationalize it because you have a baby in there versus just looking fat. And I know that probably no-one notices but me (although I few coworkers I told about my loss told me they were beginning to wonder, so it's really not just me but I try and make myself feel better by telling myself that it is). And on top of that my skin is being really crappy now, so in general I'm just feeling really really unattractive, again not that anyone really cares, but it's just one more thing to add to the pile of crap, you know? It sucks. Also because not only had I already gained a couple of pounds while pg, but a few more since that (I am not one to quit eating when I'm sad about something, unfortunately). And of course, I'm worried that it's going to take me forever to start cycling again. Also, stupid, I know, but I can't help it. Sigh.

sorry to be so whiny about such miniscule things, but that's where I'm at right now.

6 comments:

Gundy said...

Oh Nico...I get it. I think we all get it. These things seem so small compared to what you went through, but they really do affect how we feel, and how we see ourselves. So vent away! Your body will start to normalize soon (and your cycles...I'm sure of it), and I hope you start feeling more like yourself. Big Hugs :)

mara said...

First, I'm so glad that they got fetal tissue this time and it looks like you body is taking care of things. I think the internet cheapie thing is a great idea.

I'm sorry about all this. So sorry you have to deal with this.

About the weight, I remember being very frustrated about that after my last pregnancy. I gained 10 pounds in 15 weeks, and I thought I would lose maybe half of it after the d&c (figuring it was water). No such luck. So I tried a very mild diet for a few days, and then five pounds did fall off. Then I lost interest. :) so, it may take a few weeks but I think it will go.

I never had a problem with cycling after miscarriages except for the first one, when I still sorta had HA. After that this last one, I got my next period exactly one month after the d&c.

Hoping you feel more like yourself soon, Nico. Thinking of you.

Yo-yo Mama said...

The inevitable hormone crash. Also known as the Big Suck.

I have nothing else I can say that will make it all magically go away, whether it's the emotional load or the changes to your body. It all levels out eventually, it's just that part of it can take much longer than the other.

tonya said...

I am glad to hear that the procedure seems to have been effective this time. You deserve a break. {{{hugs}}}

Vent away, my dear! I am thinking of you and hoping that you start feeling a bit better as you heal.

ms. c said...

Thanks for your comment on my post... I thought I would click over to see what was up- and I read all about the loss.
I'm so sorry Nico, about everything that you have gone through.
I send you a big hug- and I'm here to listen to you.

Rebecca said...

I'm glad it sounds like they were able to get fetal tissue - hopefully you will have some answers soon.

I'm sorry you're feeling so yucky right now. It's tough to have all of these physical reminders of what's happened. I think it's totally normal to want to start cycling again as soon as possible.

Thinking of you.