More details on Schweffel's demise.

When I went into the ultrasound room the tech first looked at my uterus, and I saw flashes of something inside there, then checked my ovaries (I was thinking that the pic was so much less clear than when we were going through treatments, but realize now that's because this was an abdominal u/s).

She then moved on to the baby. I didn't notice at the time that there was no movement. What I did see was no heartbeat. She switched on the view where you can see blood flow, and I didn't realize at the time that there was no blood flow in schweffel either. Mine around the uterus was there, but nothing going inside. She did a few measurements of the crown-rump length, and I noticed that the calculation said 8w6d... then said she had to go and get the doctor.

I choked up a little and said, "I didn't see a heartbeat, did you?". She responded, "No, I'm sorry". Handed me a box of tissues, and said I should wait there a few minutes while she got the doctor. I started to text DH but then thought, what am I thinking, and just called him. It was so hard to tell him, definite waterworks. He asked if he should come in, I said I didn't know, and he said he was on his way. Such a sweetheart.

The doc came in and mentioned that I had asked the u/s tech about the h/b. I told him this was my third pregnancy so I knew what I was looking for. Poor guy, he tried so hard to be diplomatic in asking me what happened in the other two pg. He was really sensitive about it, I have heard stories from my friends about much more callous doctors and nurses, but they were both great. as can be in that situation I suppose. He did confirm no heartbeat, and that the dating was not too far off where I was supposed to be, so Schweffel probably died within the last week or so.

Which is interesting because I finally started feeling queasy through most of the day middle of last week, but that disappeared again earlier this week. Timing was probably not coincidental.

I met with my doc after that, and she talked to me about the options - waiting for a natural miscarriage, taking drugs to induce one, or a D&C. I told her I was pretty sure I was leaning towards a D&C, we were in the midst of talking about that when DH arrived. I asked if we could have a few minutes, she very quickly got up and said, "Of course!".

I needed that hug.

We talked about the options for a few minutes, then told the doc we were ready to talk to her again. She went through the D&C procedure, that we'd been scheduled for 8am Monday morning which means we have to be there at 6, and then I had to sign some consent forms, including one for either taking charge of the remains for a funeral (or I guess whatever else we wanted to do) or having the hospital dispose of them. Mark said no funeral, so we signed for hospital disposal. I think all the options stink actually. Even with a natural miscarriage, I guess the baby would just be flushed down the toilet which doesn't seem like a great ending either. I may change my mind on this I'm not sure yet.

I guess that's about it for now. I've been doing a bit of research on what to expect with the D&C. I did have one after Timmy was born because I was continuing to bleed and they wanted to make sure there wasn't any retained placenta, so I know the basics, although that was different because I was awake with a spinal block, whereas this time they're going to use IV meds for anesthesia and I think I won't remember it? I do remember thinking during that procedure how nasty it was to hear the vacuum and how awful it would be to hear that and know they were vacuuming your baby out. I guess they do it a bit differently, or I'm about to find out.