I told.

Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences. And for telling me not to worry if I don't see a heartbeat next week. I really appreciate your feedback and honesty. Sniff. I'm going to cry now.

M and I had a good conversation about whether to tell or not when I got home yesterday - he basically said along the same lines as what many of you had said - that if something does go wrong, we don't want to have to untell too many people. So I'm telling the people that I've been leaning on throughout this year, and would need to lean on even more if something did go wrong. I think that as Rebecca and Laurie said, I'd like them to share in the good news, even if it doesn't last.

So anyway, I called my college friend and told her. I'm so glad I did. She was so obviously happy for me. And she said the sweetest thing - that just this morning, in her prayers, she had made a bargain with God, that it was okay if she took a while to get pregnant (she just started trying this month), just as long as it happened for me soon. (Let's not get into the naivete of that statement - she does get that it's not as easy as it seems). I was so touched by that. Made me teary.

At the moment I'm feeling a little bit hungrier than normal, a little bit of tenderness in my chestage area (can't quite call it cleavage), and I think I'm hiccuping a bit more than is usual for me, but that's about it. I'm seriously considering either peeing on another OPK, or going out to buy another HPT. Just to make sure. (So far my count is two HPT's and one OPK).

(I also need to quit with the parenthetical statements!)

To tell, or not to tell?

I have always thought that when I was pregnant, I would tell family members right away. I'm very close with my mom and sister, and can't imagine not telling them. In fact, my sister knew before anyone else, even M, coz I tested at her house. We told my in-laws at their house on Christmas Eve, and my mom and her husband at our house Christmas Day. And I told you guys, of course!

The question is, tell other people or not. I have a few very good friends whom I've kept in the loop through all my ups and downs, and I want to tell them. I know that it's early, and we don't know that everything is okay yet (although signs are looking good - cramping has almost disappeared, and I imagine that if it were an ectopic pregnancy that they would continue to get worse). But I feel perfectly okay with telling people whose support I would want in case everything didn't go well. My best friend from high school, from college, and a select other few that have been my pillars as I've gone through treatment.

M, on the other hand, doesn't want to tell anyone else. "It's awfully early", he says. I don't yet understand exactly why he feels this way. I told him this morning that I wanted to tell my college friend, and he seemed quite set against it. We were IM'ing about it, and that wasn't really getting anywhere, so we're going to discuss when I get home.

What do you think? If you've been through it and told people early, were you glad you did afterwards or not?

u/s scheduled for next Friday at 3pm. According to my calculations, I'll be 5w6d then, so hopefully we'll see a heartbeat!!!

First few weeks

I haven't been able to write long posts over the last couple of days because I haven't really known what to say. Mostly because I still don't quite believe that it's true. But also, as so many others have said, because now this blog has to change a little bit. I do have a lot of thoughts tumbling around in my head though, so I'm going to try and put them to computer so I don't forget.

I noticed some mild cramping right around 7-9 dpo, I'm guessing that was from implantation. Had never felt anything like it with my IUIs. Then the cramps started up again about four days ago, and I've had them on and off ever since. More on the right side than on the left. That, along with my relatively high betas (well outside the range for the dpo I'm on), makes me wonder about an ectopic pregnancy. I'm trying not to worry, as there's nothing I can do about it. But glad I'll have an u/s next week. Also wondering about twins. Or more. Gulp.

The other things I noticed last week before I tested - my legs were really tired when I played hockey. I always imagined that when people said you would feel more tired when exercising that it was tired of the winded type. But my wind was fine, my legs just started screaming at me much sooner than I was used to. Then, after I played hockey, I actually felt cold in the shower where I always had felt hot before. I have read that when you're pregnant your body is better at getting rid of heat - which led to a fleeting thought that I might be.... I also had a dream that I was pregnant. In the dream, I figured it out because my nipp1es started cracking and bleeding and when I took my bra off it was lightly bloody all over, as if I'd scraped all the skin off. That's a new pregnancy symptom to me, but in my dream it made all the sense in the world. And I noticed it was a lot more slippery when I was inserting my pussaries (sorry for TMI).

Since we found out, M has been joking that I'm really pumping out the BTU's. He's really cold in bed when I get up in the morning, because his heat source has disappeared. And I'm starting to get the good old boob soreness. No nausea yet, although I'm finding that sweet things are not as appealing. Give me salt!

I played hockey again this morning. I have been told that it's okay to play through the first trimester, and I'm hoping that my body will let me know if I shouldn't be playing. I felt better this morning than I did last week, hopefully that's a good sign.

NBHHY!

Beta #2 = 823. Doubling time of 37 hours. Ultrasound in 7-10 days. Off to see Narnia!

Wow.

I still don't quite believe it. Just got my first beta results - 344! It's all feeling quite surreal. I wonder when I'm going to wake up.

Thank you so much for all your excitement for me!!!

Shock and awe.

Agonized for a while last night over whether to test or not. Decided that I was starting to imagine too many symptoms, so I should just do it, get my negative, and move on.

I was still a little nervous when I peed on the stick this morning. Turned it over and watched the color creep up. And then, to my complete shock, there were TWO lines. Unmistakeably.

I was actually down at my sister's house (my weekly jaunt to visit her and my niece) - when I came out of the bathroom with a big shit-eating grin on my face, she knew right away.

I wish I had waited to test when M was around! It just didn't occur to me that it truly would be positive. So I told him when I got home. I think he was just as shocked as me - given our four failed IUIs, we both thought that it was impossible.

But no, every time I go back and check the stick, there are still two lines there.

Yup. Still two lines.

Update - just heard back from the RE's office - beta's tomorrow and Monday. I'm a bit surprised, given that this was a natural cycle, but I'm not going to say no!

I caved.

I bought a 2-pack of HPTs today. I was seriously considering doing it on Tuesday, but made myself drive by the pharmacy. But today I was already in the store... so I couldn't help myself.

I can't decide if I want to use one in the morning (which will be 13dpo) or not.

My heart, which thinks there is a possibility that I might actually be pregnant (wierd crampy things going on down there from 7-9dpo) is saying YES, DO IT!!!

My head, on the other hand, is telling me to stay the fuck away from the evil sticks (no other "symptoms" whatsoever). At least wait until Monday.

I think it was a sorry day for the mental state of an infertile when HPTs, particularly those that let you test early, were invented.

I can't stand the suspense!

(Sidebar - I almost left my entire order at the checkout - first I was in line behind a woman who had two separate orders, and had to try about fifteen methods of payment for each. After the checker had to call a supervisor to help, I went to the self checkout line. There needs to be a minimum IQ requirement on those, I tell you. I was behind three people, all of whom did.not.get.it. I finally snagged an open register; a woman WITH ONE ITEM whom I had been behind took longer to scan that ONE ITEM than it took me to do my entire basket of ten. ARGH!!! Probably didn't help that I am in a state of extreme frustration this week - my boss, my MIL, inconsiderate hockey people...)

The key to getting pregnant.... NOT!

I'm posting this while travelling on a highway at... well let's just say highway speeds. M just got Verizon broadband access, which basically lets you access the internet on your laptop wherever you get a cell phone signal. How cool is that?

What's not so cool - we're on our way home from a Christmas party. I knew that there would be one "Oops" pregnant woman there. I was hoping that she wouldn't have come, but no such luck. But it didn't stop there. Oh no. Not just one pregnant woman. Not two. Not even three. Four of them!!!

And THREE of them were 'accidental'. Two of the couples weren't even engaged when they got pregnant.

I was actually doing okay with all that. Until one of them started telling me about how the key to getting pregnant is obviously not to be trying. She has a coworker who was trying for three years, broke her wrist so couldn't work and decided to stop trying for a little while, and whammo - she got pregnant. And since three of the four women there who were pregnant hadn't been trying, that must be it.

Now why the fuck didn't I think of that?

SNOW SCRAPER

A couple of Sundays ago, it snowed significantly for the first time. I had a cake to make for afternoon tea with family friends, a baby shower to attend, the afternoon tea, and a hockey game. Busy day! In the course of which, I forgot to put my snow scraper into my car. Fortunately I didn’t need it, but I joked with M how in classic Nico style, I had forgotten about it.

The next evening, we were out somewhere, and he asked me if I had remembered the snow scraper yet. I hadn’t. He was totally shocked, as he had left it propped up against the door to the garage, right in front of my nose. I guess I wasn’t expecting it to be there, so I just didn’t see it. He couldn’t believe I was so unobservant.

I got home later than him again the following day. Opened the door to the garage, went to turn on the light, and ran across a Post-It note with “SNOW SCRAPER” written on it. So I looked down, saw the scraper, and put it in my car.

As I walked up the stairs, there was another note “SNOW SCRAPER” on the hand rail, on the bottom step, on a step half way up, and on the door to the house. By the time I saw the last one, I was laughing hysterically. He really wanted to make sure that I didn’t forget!

I continued finding the notes for the rest of the night – on the light switch for the kitchen, on my bottle of milk, the Tupperware container with my cake in it, the remote control, the stairs to the second floor, the bathroom sink, the alarm clock, my sock drawer…

And that's why I love him :-)

I'm not broken!

I really think I did actually ovulate. Amazing! Two days of + OPKs, the third day was negative, and the next day my temperature skyrocketed (98.5!). Even if nothing comes of it (which is the outcome I'm expecting, although obviously not the one I'm hoping for), it's still so nice to have my hormones somewhat back on track.

I've spent the weekend mulling over what might have done it, and come up with three possibilities:

1. My system was "kick-started" by the gonadotropins.

2. Acupuncture (been going weekly)

3. Not stepping on a scale for three weeks (until this morning), and gaining an extra 4 pounds:-p

And then there's always the theory propounded by someone whom I excitedly told about my ovaries' achievements:

4. Not so "tense".

hahahahhaha. I love that one. It boggles my mind. It is so completely illogical - why on earth would I have been "tense" when I first went off the pill? I had no reason to suspect there would be a problem. WHY do so many people think that all you have to do is "relax" to get pregnant??? I don't know many people (if any) who are not happy and excited and imagine they'll get pregnant in the first few months, when they first start trying. So why is it that after a year, two years, three..., all of a sudden relaxing is suppose to help?

Mary has been Hailed! ....Maybe.

*update* test line still way darker than control line this morning, temp lower again (yesterday was 97.8, this morning 97.3), so I think that confusion is gone at least. As Molly said, humping like monkeys ;-) Thanks for all your reassurance! *end update*

Quick post, must run to the dentist for a filling ;-(

Peed on the OPK this morning - the test line was WAY darker than the control line. Holy crap!

My temperature was also way up.

Does that mean that I ovulated and we fricking missed it? I had only been peeing on the sticks every other day to conserve them, because honestly I really didn't think it would happen.

Does the LH go back down again after you've actually ovulated, or does it stay up? This is completely new to me!!!

We had a quickie this morning before I went to play hockey. Will try again tonight...

(BTW, today is CD40!)

Hurdles, jumped.

Went to IVF class today. It was boring and pointless. They didn't show us how to do the IM shots, they have an online tutorial for that. It was to go over the various medications, what to expect from retrieval and transfer, blah, blah, blah. Did not learn one thing that I hadn't already learned from reading the blogs of you wonderful ladies who have gone before me. So that was a waste of time.

Then, off to the social worker. She wanted to make sure we'd thought about how many embryos to put back... would we be willing to do selective reduction... what would we do if IVF didn't work... how we have different coping strategies... what would we do with any left over embryos... I felt a bit like when we had to go to pre-Cana before getting married. Definitely all stuff that one should talk about before IVF / marriage... but we're good at the communication part. Didn't need her help with that. Haven't had a fight yet in 6.5 years of marriage / 8 years together.

But no matter. It's done. All of it. So now we just have to wait for insurance approval, then we can get started! Unfortunately I think it's going to be longer than I was expecting, unless I get my new insurance info before the new year - apparently it takes two weeks to get the insurance approval, then the doctors meet to decide your treatment plan, THEN you can get started. With the bcp. I'm *hoping* that if I'm already on the pill I can just start with the Lupron once they have the plan, but not holding my breath.

I had thought we'd do retrieval / transfer mid January. Now it looks like it won't be until some time in February. More waiting. Sigh.

Over the shoulder boulder holders...

Baby shower table conversation:

"While I run my bath, I often clean the bathroom. In the nude - you know, I'm waiting to hop in the tub. So I'll clean the sink, or the mirror... This one time, I was cleaning the floor, so I had my scale up on the toilet. I looked at my boobs, looked at the scale, looked at my boobs again, and thought, let's see just how much these suckers weigh. So I did. One of them was eight pounds, the other was nine!!! No wonder my shoulders hurt! I could have a breast reduction and lose fifteen pounds!"

I almost died laughing. The key to baby shower survival.