When it rains, it pours.

Literally. And figuratively. We've been having crap weather here in Boston the last few days. This morning I got up, left the house, and noticed that the dogwood tree that I had planted right after we moved in here in 1999 didn't look quite right. On further inspection, one of the main forks of the tree had split off in the wind.

Fuck you too, universe. Way to kick me when I'm down. I planted this little guy as about a two foot tall sapling, now he's about ten feet tall, and should flower for the first time next year. I think it can be salvaged, but it's still going to look really sad with almost half the tree missing.


Poor broken dogwood. 


Closeup of injury. 

Horrible, no good, very bad weekend.

What hasn't gone wrong the last few days? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. First, the crimson bitch came to visit on Saturday morning. So I'm not pregnant. On top of that, not only can I not ovulate on my own, I also have a ten day luteal phase. Fucking fabulous.

I managed to hold myself together pretty well during the day on Satuday - M and I had a round of golf planned, it was a decent day, and I was managing not to think too much. Then, we went over to my sister's for a belated mother's day dinner for my mom... at 18 weeks she's definitely showing (my sister, not my mom), which makes it a lot harder to ignore. I go into the bathroom to collect myself. Sittin' on the hopper, I see a black mark on my leg. So I go to wipe it off, and whadda ya know - it's got legs and it's stuck to me. I picked up a fucking tick playing golf. I.could.not.deal. So M took a quick look on the net to figure out what to do, and pulled the thing out with tweezers. GROSS!!!

At least I could have a bottle of wine.

Yesterday, my friend who had her ET the same day I had my IUI found out she's pregnant!!! I'm *totally* thrilled for her, she was only going to do the IVF this one time... but just as with my sister, we were hoping to get pregnant together. So basically, all you need to do if you want to get pregnant is go through a cycle with me. So far I'm two for two. Any takers? Step right up. Of course, that's not going to be happening for a while:

Day 3 ultrasound this morning. Four fucking huge cysts. One on the right, 26mm. THREE on the left, 26, 20 and 19mm. So not only can I not ovulate, have a short luteal phase, I also make really beautiful cysts. So no cycle this month. And to think last night I was looking at the calendar, and wondering if I wouldn't be able to make my graduation ceremony because we'd be doing another IUI.

Fuck checking the calendar to figure out potential due dates - I'm getting disappointed just planning ahead on when I might try to get pregnant.

I think I need to pick me up a pair of sweatpants.

Thanks guys....

I was really down yesterday after recieving an email from my "I got pg on my first try" younger sister with her 18 week ultrasound attached. Along with my mom's response to that announcing that another friend of the family just had a baby. Needless to say, not much work got done after that... but I did wander on to the internet, and was cheered up by Susan's dissection of "I just died in your arms tonight", and Molly's Dynamite husband. It's so great to have all you snarky ladies out there to help take the edge off. Thanks!

fun IM exchange with hubby...

Him: I took a pregnancy test and there is a 42% chance that I'm pregnant
Him: I should wait and take a test
Me: a 42% chance, huh?
Me: where did you get this test from?
Him: online
Me: what's the link?
Him: let me find it...
Him: http://pregnancy.about.com/library/quiz/amipreg/blamipregquiz.htm
Me: I got a 25% chance.
Him: really
Me: i suppose you've missed more periods than I have
Him: so it's more likely that I'm pregnant than you

Update: A friend of mine, who hasn't had sex in I don't know how long, got 17%. So my chance of being pregnant is somewhere between a woman who has no shot of being pregnant, and a man. It's not looking good. ;-)

Yes!

My temp still hadn't gone up yesterday so I called my RE's office. They offered (under protest) to test my progesterone. So I went in this morning - 4.7, and the Doc said I definitely ovulated. Yay! So at least I have that part under my belt.

Here's a picture of the cross-stitch I've been working on while I wait in the office. I got this in 1997 when I had a horrible cold and was up at all hours of the night. I've taken a few years off here and there, but I'm getting there...


Beatrix Potter cross stitch - 1997 - ? 

IUI #1

10:25 this morning.

I have good feelings and bad feelings about it.

Good - a close friend of mine is doing her first IVF cycle and her embryo transfer happened at 10:25 this morning as well.

Good - M managed to do what needed to be done, and his numbers were way better than they had been for his two SAs. "Primo" according to the nurse.

Good - drew my heart again. Seemed to work for the follicle, can't hurt for the I.

Bad - no egg white in town.

Update 10/12: Bad - no definite temp rise this morning. 97.5. I've just looked at some charts on tcoyf.com... it seems like most people's temp goes up definitively 1 dpo, but there are a few who didn't. I guess I'll keep going. But at this point I just don't think I've ovulated.

Pulling the trigger

After a few more days of Repro, I had another u/s on Sunday. My follicle was actually growing at the expected rate of 2mm/day AND my estradiol was at 207. Holy shit! So they told me to do the Ovidrel shot tonight.

As I was waiting for the magic 10PM hour to strike, I read through the entire package insert. Dork. Also stupid. Now I know that A) 10% of people don't actually ovulate after the Ovidrel shot, and B) of the 22% who do get pregnant, almost a third will miscarry. Idiot. I should have just stuck the damn needle in and been done with it.

I'm it!

To my complete surprise, I was blog tagged by Molly - (does that make it a blag? a tog?) to write about what else I could see myself doing. I have to pick 5 professions from the list below to imagine myself as, add one of my own, then choose three other bloggers to do the same. My initial response was glee - I've been picked! I'm one of the cool kids! I've never been a cool kid in all my life (the last one to get picked in gym class blah blah blah)... but that's another story. My second response was complete terror. I'm a scientist with no creative bone in my body anywhere. Not even my pinky. I'm not a writer, I don't have the knack that so many bloggers have of taking a fucking awful situation and making other people understand, and even laugh alongside at the small bit of humor that can be found.

So, I guess that's a good place to start - If I could be a writer... I would be able to turn a phrase just so, to elicit exactly the emotion I wanted to - fear, sympathy, joy, heartbreak, childlike glee. I would write novels that wouldn't make the critics sing praise, but would fly off the shelves nonetheless through word of mouth. I'd make people see how much better their lives, other's lives, the world would be if only we could be considerate and thoughtful to each other. And I'd do it by telling an amazing story that no-one who'd read it could ever forget.

On the other hand, being a little more selfish, if I could be a circus performer... I don't know exactly what one calls what I'd do - hanging in the ribbons from the ceiling, incredibly strong and yet graceful at the same time. I'd have a body to die for - not all thin and waifish, but athletic, curvaceous and fabulous. I'd be able to do amazing twirls, spins and holds, all without even breaking a sweat.

I'd also have fun if I could be a spy... I would be so good at deception no-one would ever have an inkling that I wasn't what I said I was. I'd pretend to be something glamorous with lots of travel involved - maybe an art dealer. I'd speak at least 10 different languages fluently, and would be able to kick some serious ass. I'd be curvaceous and fabulous and get people to do exactly what I wanted with just a hint of flirtation. My circus performing abilities would come in handy for climbing up buildings and such to uncover state secrets.

If I could be a chef... I'd be a pastry chef. I would create confections the like of which had never been tasted before. Exactly the right combination of ingredients to engage all five senses in an orgasmic culinary experience. The perfect texture, a surprising sound when bitten into, an enticing smell, a vision on the plate...and a taste that could never be forgotten. I don't know what it would be, but my stomach is growling!

Finally, if I could be a politician... I'd change the world. I'd bring logic, reason, kindness and understanding to the global scene. I'd get rid of fearmongering, hatemongering, and the idea that differences are to be feared. I'd be incredibly charismatic, curvaceous and fabulous. I'd make speeches that would be quoted the world over, and make all the evil people see the error of their ways. There would be no more wars over religious differences, revenge or territorialism. And especially no more pre-emptive strikes. There would be no assumptions about evil intentions to further one person's agenda. The world could focus on eradicating poverty and disease rather than eradicating people.

Who me, an idealist???

Here's the full list:
If I could be a scientist...
If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician...
If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter...
If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be an archaeologist...
If I could be an architect...
If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist...
If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete...
If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an innkeeper...
If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a llama-rider...
If I could be a bonnie pirate...
If I could be a servicemember...
If I could be a business owner...
If I could be an actor...
If I could be an agent...
If I could be video game designer...
If I could be photographer...
If I could be a circus performer...
If I could be a spy...
If I could be a fashion designer...
If I could be a high school student again... (Gerah)
If I could be a model... (Molly)
If I could be a politician... (Nico)

And I'm going to tog Lisa, Susan and Ova Girl. Can't wait to see what you gals imagine yourselves doing!

P.S. I can't believe I just spend an hour and half on this. Where does the time go???

Happy egg!

My Tuesday u/s still showed no progress so my dosage was upped again. Went in this morning, and *finally* something is happening! My uterine lining is at 4.6mm, 1mm thicker than it's been in any of the umpteen previous looks, and I do have one follicle that seems to be ahead of the pack. Still only at 10mm, but at least it's something!

(We're only going for 1-2 mature eggs at this point, given that Ms. egg has not yet arrived at the dance, let alone tangoed with Mr. sperm...)

This is the first time that my hope hasn't been bitchslapped to the floor. C'mon egg!

positive energy

I watched a movie called 'what the @#$%#', aka 'what the bleep' yesterday. It's all about quantum physics and reality, and how we can affect the world we live in. Not sure I entirely buy it, but...

There was this one part where the protagonist got all upset with herself and was screaming nasty things at herself in the mirror. Then she remembered back to another scene where a researcher had 'showed' that if you taped a nice thought to a bottle of water (like "love"), it made really pretty crystals when you looked at it under a microscope, but if you taped a nasty thought to it it looked all ugly and dirty. So she took a blue eyeliner and drew hearts all over herself. I liked that idea, so I drew a heart with my brown eyeliner over (approximately) where each of my ovaries is. Hoping that will send more good vibes. I know it's silly, but at this point I'm willing to try anything!

No progress...yet...

Day 7 ultrasound yesterday. Not much happening, unfortunately. Making a few more little follicles (total number up to 26 from 17), but no one seems to be taking any kind of lead. So meds increased by 50%, another u/s on Tuesday to see if anything's growing. Please, please, please let this work!!!