Fuck

Fuck fuck fuck. Fuck. FUCK! CD3 baseline u/s this morning. HUGE motherfucking cyst on my left ovary, 35x37mm. On BCP for the next four weeks (three weeks + one extra for vacation).

My sister is due 10/18. I really thought I'd be pregnant before she delivered. Fuck.

It's all over.....

Yeah, when you get a negative hpt 18dpi, you can be pretty much assured that you are not, in fact, pregnant. I think it does show that the pussaries are doing their job though!

The judicious use of pee sticks did help me keep hope in check, so I'm really alright at this point. Just wanna get on with our next try.

Thanks for all your hope and kind thoughts, very much appreciated.

Going nuts

Okay, now I'm 17 dpi (18 dpOvidrel, when CB showed last time) and no sign of the Bitch. However, P-stick this morning was the same lovely shade of stark white. And my temps have been steadily declining, from 98.4 this past weekend to 97.7 today. WTF???

The H-bitch is trying to come out again...

Get back in your hole, bitch!

And Hope was beaten into submission by the stark whiteness that was the space where a second line should be.

I needed to put her back in her place. It hurts less if you don't even let yourself dream.

12 dpi

After the IUI and my complete lack of symptoms, I was 99.99% convinced that this hadn't worked. And I was okay with that. I got my tears and my rage out on the day of the IUI. But then people said that 2ww symptoms don't mean anything, and the bitch hope started creeping out of her hole again. I think I'm going to POAS tomorrow (12dpi) just to put her back in her place.

Random musings

One thing I did find out when I saw the nurse on Tuesday was my e2 levels. 106 on day 7, 271 on day 10, 348 on day 11 (that's when they decided to drop the meds) and then 52 on day 13. I really don't understand why they decided to drop based on the 348. That doesn't seem high to me at all! I have an appointment with MY doc on 8/25, two days after CB should be in town, and I will definitely be asking her these questions before we start the next (and final IUI) cycle.

I have a wicked bad case of hamster head (yes, I did grow up in Mass.) I figured since I felt pretty much the same symptoms after both my previous IUIs (sore boobs, frequent pees, constipation), and I wasn't pg, that they were due to the hcg shot. So I was fully prepared to feel the same things this time, and to not even imagine I might be pg based on those unless they lasted longer than 12dpi.

Well, wouldn't you know, this time I feel nothing. NONE of those. So obviously it wasn't the hcg shot. Does that mean that both of the previous IUIs we did manage to conceive an embryo, but it just didn't implant? (Does that make me a murderer in the eyes of the Bush anti-abortionites? And if not, why is using an embryo for stem cell research murder?) What does THAT mean for the success of a possible future IVF? I supposed with our poor morphology (<4% normal), it could just be abnormalities that don't allow the embryo to live and that with IVF we could pick a good embryo that would manage to implant. Or not.

If you've had an hcg shot, have you felt pg symptoms?

I've also been reading The Beauty Myth, on the recommendation of a friend. I've only read a couple of chapters, and it's already making me think twice about people I see on TV etc. It's so ingrained that women have to be beautiful and attractive to look at in order to make what they say worthwhile, where with men looks really don't matter. There are some really ugly men out there who are high up in corporations, in the media, in sports - we totally take them seriously. Yet when there's a less than attractive woman, that's the first thing that we pay attention to. Not what she has to say, whether she's making a good point - it's all about 'wow, that's a hideous outfit' or 'my god, she's way too thin', 'would you look at the honker on her!', or, 'man, what did she do to her hair?'. I just think about how many times I've said that or thought that about a female, compared to how often the same thoughts have crossed my mind about a male, and it really makes me sick. It's so insidious and pervasive.

I skipped a few chapters and read the one entitled 'Hunger'. It talks about how a large percentage of women in our society basically live their lives in a state of semi-starvation. It mentions 1600 calories as a subsistence diet in poor countries where people can't afford more. Yet so many of the diet programs ask us to live on much less than that. When I lost weight last year I was eating 1500 calories a day, as well as 5-600 cal worth of exercise. No wonder I dropped 12 pounds in two weeks! I was totally starving myself. The book also talks about studies that have shown that that kind of semi-starvation can absolutely affect cognitive abilities. In other words, we're keeping ourselves down by starving our bodies and brains, to reach some 'ideal' weight. That's frightening. Yet it's also amazingly difficult to let go of the desire to attain that ideal.

And then I think about having a daughter, and how on earth to avoid putting those pressures on her?

Fallout

I had a really crappy day yesterday. Bookended by people telling me that I need to "just relax". HA! (Sorry, this is really long and rambly, I have lots of things to get off my chest).

Woke up, took my temperature. It was 97.7 on Monday, 97.5 yesterday. I.E. not up at all. ARGH! So I decided to go into the clinic and have them take my blood to check my progesterone level which they had done for me in my first cycle to find out if I ovulated or not. Doesn't help that I had a nasty dream where I was a medical miracle - the first person every to conceive inside her ovary, because my follicles didn't burst but somehow the sperm managed to get in there anyway.

I tried to call ahead to the clinic so they could have the forms ready for me when I arrived, but they never actually let you speak to a real person so I left a voice mail for the nurse, but just went in anyway. When I got there they were completely confused as to what to do. The receptionist said he would get the paperwork done for me, but then sat there at the desk for another fifteen minutes, doing heaven knows what, and ignoring me. Then the phlebotomist left. I tried to stop her, saying I needed to get my blood drawn, but Mr. Receptionist said I'd have to go to a different floor. okay. Tears start.

(I have never ever been this emotionally fragile in my whole life!)

After another ten minutes or so, the nurse calls me into the back. She starts telling me, "Oh, we don't need to draw blood until sixteen days after your IUI, if you haven't gotten your period". I try to explain to her that I want to know if I ovulated or not. She asks me what we would do if I haven't - answer is nothing. I just want to KNOW. More tears.

She was really sweet, gave me a hug, and took me into the back room to look at my records with me. She spent over half an hour talking to me, which honestly, was what I needed. That's something I've really missed - it would be really great to have a half hour appointment set up in the middle of the cycle just to talk about how things are going, and what the plans are. I hate being in the dark and not understanding what's being done and why. She told me that I need to just be a patient, and let the doctors be the doctors. She does have a point. BUT it's really hard to do that when I feel like the doctors fucked up. Then she segued into telling me that I really need to relax, and give this a chance to work. HAHAHAHAHA. She did mean it in the nicest possible way, but still.

And I also found out that MY doctor is on vacation. Which is why Dr. Business was making decisions about my treatment. I wish I had known that!

Mom and sis came over last night for dinner. More of Mom fussing over sis and basically ignoring me.

Then just before bed I was telling M about what had happened in the morning, and he too told me that I just need to relax. I know that it's really hard for him to see me so sad like this, and he keeps saying that he wants to help and that I should talk to him, but I just don't know what to say. I can't explain why I'm so upset. Except to you guys who understand all too well.

So I went to bed totally depressed, yet more tears.

I woke up this morning having had another dream - I was in the hospital, and delivered a beautiful baby girl. She was lying on my stomach, I was teaching her to feed, and telling her how much I loved her and that everything would be okay.

Maybe it will be. Maybe I do need to stop worrying so much.

IUI#3

Of the four doctors at the clinic I go to (well, if you include the resident, 'baby doc' it's five), I like Dr. Business the least. He's exactly that - all business. No friendly chit chat, just in and out. Literally and figuratively.

I'm pretty sure, based on the nurse saying after Thursday's scan "Dr. Business will look at your blood results and we'll call you back in the afternoon", that it was he who decided to drop my dosage.

So of course, he was the one doing my IUI yesterday. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. No joking around like with Dr. Handsome the last time, it felt very cold and impersonal. M managed to ask "Is it worth it to do another IUI tomorrow given that we just took the trigger shot last night" as he was on the way out the door - Dr. Business said no, as I had already started to ovulate. And that was that. Away he went. No discussion, no 'if it will make you feel better we can', nothing.

I burst into tears as soon as he left. I had such high hopes for this cycle, it really did seem to be going absolutely perfectly. And then to have him treat me like that, be so absolutely compassionate-less, just put the shit icing on the shit cake.

I know that it's still possible that this worked, but I am not holding my breath.

And I'm definitely going to ask to see my entire record before the next cycle because I want to know exactly what happened with this one, and why they made the decisions they did. One thing that I didn't pay much mind to when it happened was that at two of my ultrasounds, they asked me to confirm the meds I was taking - "Gonal-F, lupron" and one other thing. Both times I said "Um, no, I'm just taking Repronex". They said it was just a computer error. But that makes me wonder now - what exactly were they looking at when they decided to lower my dosage???

(Oh, and BTW - I was playing golf on Saturday when I took the call about my instructions for the night. I was on pace to shoot well under 100, which I have never done before (47 on the front nine). After I got the call I was so pissed off I totally fell apart and ended up shooting a 102. That'll teach me to use my cellphone on the golf course!!!)

Too good to be true.

I thought I was having a picture perfect, textbook cycle. And I was. Right up until they told me to decrease my dosage. Went in again this morning, and my follicles were pretty much the same size as they were on Thursday, as was my lining (up to 7mm today). Afternoon call said that I might already be ovulating because my estradiol had dropped (yeah, no shit dumbasses - what the hell do you think happens when you decrease the meds by 67%????). So I'm supposed to do the trigger shot tonight, and then go in for an IUI tomorrow (instead of the usual 36 hours, which would be Monday).

I am really really angry. With them AND with myself. I feel like I should have questioned what they were doing more - I've read too many stories of people's dosage being dropped and things getting fucked up.

Has anyone had their dosage dropped and NOT had a subsequent problem?

I think I'm going to demand an IUI on Monday as well. Hopefully cover more bases. But if everything has stalled (as it seems to have) and I don't end up with any mature eggs, it doesn't matter how much damn sperm is in there.

Fuck. And I will say that for Thalia too. And a big triple fuck you, universe, up yours, you scum sucking asswipe, for Megan.

It's always something.

Not bad news, per se. But always something to fret about.

Latest u/s showed three dominant follicles, 2 at 14mm and one at 12. Dr. Sweet said we'd probably trigger on Sat and IUI on Mon (looks like we're going to be just a few hours apart, T). I also found out that yesterday's e2 was 271.

Then this afternoon the nurse called and told me to drop my dose down to HALF a vial and that I should come in again on Sat. Of course I yet again forgot to ask about my e2. The nurse who normally calls me just tells me, this one who's covering for her on vacation needs to be asked. And I can never remember to do that!.

I don't know why they're dropping my dosage so much when they haven't done that for the previous cycles. And of course I forget to ask that as well. Why is it that when the nurse calls I'm so flipping nervous or something that I can't remember any of the very relevant questions that I want to ask? And then I call back and have to leave a message and they hardly ever get back to me until the next day. Anyone else with the same missing brain syndrome?

So instead of 1/2 vial, I did 2/3. Screw 'em.

Continued good news... (Please, let's keep it coming!)

Lining 6.5mm, two follicles on the right at 13mm, one 13mm and one 12mm on the left. I've never actually had follicles grow on the left side before, so I feel like that's a good sign. I forgot to ask what my e2 was, but it must have shot up quite a bit because they told me to drop my dose for tonight from 1.5 down to 1 vial, and come in for another u/s tomorrow morning. Which is going to be interesting because I will have to squeeze it in between ice hockey (6:30-7:30) and my acupuncture appointment at 8:30. I'm thinking I'm going to have to leave hockey early so I can shower and make the 7:45 u/s appointment. And I'll probably be late for the acupuncture.

They haven't said anything yet, but I'm guessing I'll trigger on Friday and do the IUI on Sunday. I was worried last cycle with 3-4 follicles about multiples (hahahahahaahaha. hahahahah. Oh, I do crack myself up!). No worries this time. Bring on the follies!

I really can't believe how quickly this is happening. Responding 'normally' to these drugs is such a nice change!

In which cycle #3 actually goes somewhere!!!

I'm almost in shock. Had my CD7 u/s today, after four nights of Repronex, and had three decent size (9,10,11mm) follicles. And my lining was at 5mm, which is way thicker than at this point in either of my previous two cycles. I was not getting my hopes up though, after the disappointment of my last cycle (taking twenty, yes, two-zero days to stim) after what I thought was a relatively good CD7 u/s.

But, got the call this afternoon to say that my e2 is already over 100! Woo-hoo!

So I really do think that it took me so long last cycle because of the lingering effects of the bcp. (Or maybe my head is on a little straighter this time?)

Again, don't want to get my hopes too far up, but this may mean we can even do our next IUI as early as this weekend instead of mid-August. *grin*