Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Pity party

I'm sad today. I've been doing pretty well keeping positive about all this so far, but I feel way less pregnant this cycle than I did the last time. I had my high beams on from the second day after the IUI until... well, the day before the bitch showed up. And they were really tender too. This time they were sore the second day after, but it's already gone away. Granted I wasn't preg the last time, so maybe I am this time since it's different, but I just really don't think so.

Add to the mix that I was told that a coworker who's been married for less than a year is pregnant (including the fact that she's an exercise instructor, and WAY skinnier than me), confirmation that in fact X is pregnant and due in Feb, which means she got married in Jan and preg in May (boo hoo, baby showers really *sucked* for her, trying for what, four whole months before she got pregnant?), and I'm just not able to hold my head up quite as high.

My sis was over tonight, and did ask me if something was wrong... I wanted to tell her but I knew as soon as I spoke a word out loud I'd totally break down so I didn't say anything. My mom was over too, and as she left said to my sis (6 months pg) "You're looking so healthy and well". I got "Thanks for the dinner". I've told her *all* about what's going on, but she never asks about it, or how I'm doing or anything. I feel like she doesn't care. I'm not pregnant so I don't matter anymore. I'm sure that's not true, but it's how she's been making me feel lately.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Not that I know...but I'm guessing your mom just doesn't know what to say. I'm sure that as your sister is pregnant she is doubly uncomfortable with the situation.

It's a shame that people don't realise that not acknowledging what you are going through can be worse than saying the wrong thing when you do.

Pru

Suz said...

I know what you mean, ever since my sister got pregnant, I feel like my mom's been walking on eggshells around me. She's so afraid of saying something wrong, so she says nothing, which is also wrong.

There are very few ways of winning here. One more thing to despise about infertility.

On another note, I don't know what to say about pregnancy symptoms, I've been monitoring my body closely and simply can't tell. I think that it's easy to make yourself crazy over it.

Molly said...

Oh, dear. Sorry about all of the glowing pregnant chicks around you. Not what you need right now.

Don't worry about the lack of pregnancy symptoms yet, Nico. You're only 4 days post-IUI! Plenty of time for those boobs to start giving you trouble.

Emma B. said...

I dunno about the pregnancy symptoms, not having managed to get that far myself, but I'm sorry you're sad and having to deal with the onslaught of the Really Fucking Fertiles.

Em said...

I don't want people to start treating me differently. I feel like they will love me less because I can't have a baby.

Caroline said...

I am just waiting for my older sister to announce her pregnancy - I know she is trying and she already has two - Reading your blog gives me insight into how I am going to feel - Hang in there!!

S. said...

Nico, sorry to hear that you're down. I know how you feel when it comes to finding out so and so is pregnant and to have it happen to everyone but you.
As for your mom, I can't say why anyone would be like that. I can sympathize (sp?) though. My mom and I don't talk much at all. I haven't even told her that it's been a concern with pregnancy. She wouldn't do anything for me but bring me down. Hell, she didn't even offer to help us move! J's parents not only helped us pack for 3 weeks, they showed up to help us move everything too! Goes to show who gives a shit and who doesn't!
Anyway, keep your chin up. I know it's hard.

Dooneybug said...

I'm sorry you're feeling down. I completely understand. Being around fertiles just rubs it in an already sore wound. Take care...

Ova Girl said...

Sorry about this Nico. It sounds awful and I would be just as upset. I don't blame you for feeling hopeless and unhappy...but...just a little but... there is some hope, right? Even though it doesn't physically feel that way, there is some chance. Hang in there. And chocolate is good, not that anyone needs telling THAT. (Actually I myself am very partial to a big white merangue...god how do you spell that?)

Laurie said...

Sorry to hear about the visit. Having been through it last year (when BIL/SIL were pg with the first grandchild in the midst of our failing IVF's), my guess is that your mom doesn't know what to say to you so she doesn't say anything. Then, trying desperately to find something to say, she latches on to something, anything, "anything" being your sister's pregnancy. Somehow, people don't understand that that's the worst thing they can do in your presence. (such as last year MIL going on and on and on about the coming baby in our home, our only safe zone away from the fertile world, or such as when we were at MIL's house and she came running into the room to give SIL a bag of maternity clothes she had bought her, excitedly taking each piece out of the bag and gushing over how nice it would look ... right in front of DH and me.) Not to turn this into being all about me, but just to illustrate that people don't know what to do or say with IF, and unfortunately, they always seem to bring up the One Thing That Brings You Pain: Other People's Babies. :(

Anyway, four days past IUI would be too soon for sore boobs, even if the IUI is successful. Don't lose hope just yet.

Elle said...

Hi, I just discovered your blog! I wanted to let you know that I started a new site called TwoWeekWait.com and I'd love for you to visit the site and mention it to your readers if you think it's appropriate. The site focuses on early pregnancy symptoms and TTC success stories.

http://www.twoweekwait.com

Thanks, Elle