Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Deep breath

I decided to go with 1&2/3 vials. I think the RE wanted me to drop back to 1.5 so that I don't overstimulate... I'm afraid that the opposite would happen and I'd go back in tomorrow and still be stuck in the same old place. I thought about staying with the two full vials, but I've always been such a 'good' girl - doing what I'm told, what I'm supposed to, always the responsible one, always respectful - that it's really hard for me to deviate from the prescribed course. So the extra 1/6 vial is about all I could manage. ha. It sounds so paltry when I put it like that - I'm a fucking rebel! woo-hoo - look at me bucking authority!

It's probably the one thing I would change about myself if I could. But it's so ingrained that try as I might I can never manage to be irresponsible or wild. When I was about five, and my sister was two, we were playing with finger paints. She was a disaster - paint everywhere but where it was supposed to be. On her face, her clothes, her legs... I so wanted to be like that, but all I could manage was to thoroughly cover my hands and lower arms. Couldn't even make it up to the elbows! And that's the way the two of us have been ever since. Me, prim and proper, never had a sip of alcohol until college, virgin until I was in love at 17, had a summer job since I was a sophomore in high school, didn't take a year abroad because I didn't want my parents to have to pay for two of us in college at once, never bought anything I couldn't afford yada yada yada. My sis? Hellion in high school, sneaking out of the house, drinking, pot, boys, took an extra year in college 'cause she could, buys big screen TVs and leather couches and refinances her mortgage to finish her basement even though they really can't afford it.

Okay, can you tell I'm hitting a sore spot? One more rant and then I'm done... My father passed away about ten years ago from lung cancer. When my sister wanted to get engaged, mom asked me if I was okay with my sis having the diamond from my parent's engagement ring, since they couldn't really afford one of their own. (side note - what the fuck am I supposed to say to that???). So of course I say yes. But oh no, that's not good enough - the setting? Platinum band, with quarter carat diamonds on either side. It totally pisses me off that M and I have worked really hard to get where we are, he wouldn't propose to me until he had save enough money for a ring (he's equally as responsible as I am, good or bad), and then not only does she get my mom's diamond, he spends as much more on her ring as M did on mine! I don't care about the size or setting or anything, what really ticks me off is that supposedly she was getting the diamond from mom *because they couldn't afford it*. Yet another way in which being responsible has bitten me in the ass. And yet I still can't stop!

Is there a 12 step program? Hi, my name is Nico, and I'm responsible!


Molly said...

Ahhh, Nico. Just another instance of life not being fair, huh?

On the other hand, being responsible is hot.

Em said...

There will be justice eventually for your propensity for responsibility!

Suz said...

Being responsible always works out better in the end, I think, although it's definately more frustsrating along the way.

Hang in there! You did the right thing!