Nosy bitch.

I've been really ticked off with one of my friends. There's a group of six of us who have known each other since high school and still get together on a regular basis. So one of the 'girls', "Marge" (I still think of us as girls, even though we're all over 30!)emails all of us last year around October, saying that she's thinking about starting a family at some point, and what are the rest of us thinking.

I was pretty honest about what was going on with me - i.e. not having gotten my period for 3 months (at that point), and really hoping that I could, so I could start "trying". I figured, if you can't tell your friends and depend on them for support, why are they your friends? I expressed that sentiment - and it led to one of the other emailees ("Jess") telling us that she had actually been trying for three years, including Clomid, IUI's... with no luck, and no diagnosis. Others emailed that they weren't ready yet, or were waiting for something else to happen first... I thought it was really nice that we could all be so open and honest with each other.

But then I realized that Marge, who had asked the initial question, hadn't told us anything about *her* plans. So I emailed her specifically and asked. She had started it after all, so I thought it was only fair. She responded that 'oh, I think I'll start trying around April'. Or something like that.

A month or two later, Jess announces that she's pregnant! Managed to do it the good old-fashioned way. SO happy for her :-)

But then Marge emails the next day to say that she's pregnant too. I was (and still AM) really hurt, upset, angry with her. Not for getting pregnant on her first fucking month of trying (okay, that ticks me off too), but for being so nosy about other people's business and yet not reciprocating. At all. It probably pisses me off more than it would if it were someone else, 'cause Marge has been nosy all her life... but *still*. I kinda want to say something to her, but at the same time I don't know if it's worth it. Gah.

delusions

Every now and again I notice that my CM is different. So I convince myself that it's because I'm ovulating. Don't tell M because he'll think I'm nuts, but jump him anyway. At least that part is fun. And then I convince myself that it really is possible that I'm pregnant, despite the fact that I feel *none* of the symptoms. I read about people's boobs hurting so they think they might be... I don't even have that. Just a delusional imagination.

My RE wants me to go on the pill while I'm on vacation (South Africa for 3.5 weeks), in preparation for starting injections when I get back and M has seen the urologist. In a way I don't want to, I still have these absurd ideas (yes, delusions) that I'm just magically going to ovulate, M's 1.5 million good sperm will magically find this super egg, and I'll get pregnant while we're away.

I guess I still haven't really accepted the fact that this is a pipe dream. I should just get over it and go on the fucking pill.

But somehow I still hold out hope - I'll wait, take a pg test while we're away, and start the pill two weeks before M's appointment. Then within the week after that I see the RE, get the go-ahead for injections and go off the pill. But at least if I don't go on the pill right now, there is a small chance that we might manage it on our own. You know, the whole "all you need to do is relax" thing. ha.

update

One thing I neglected to mention about my RE appointment last week - I asked her about the pulsatile GnRH, and she basically said that it is old technology; no better than the injections and a lot more difficult to implement. I do have an appointment with one of the endocrinologists at the MGH unit that has published studies on the pulsatile GnRH so I'll see what she says. I don't know if it's one of those things where this doc doesn't use it so isn't willing to consider it, or if it really is old hat now. From that one study it really did sound better though (96% cumulative pregnancy rate after 6 months vs. 82%). I like those odds!

M has his urologist appt on 3/30, a week after we get back from our trip. So hopefully I'll be able to start on the injections for the IUI not too long after that.

I've been sad recently - I so wanted to be pregnant *with* my younger sister. She and I went off the pill at the same time, with plans of sharing our pregnancy. She got tired of waiting for me in January, and started "trying". Pregnant the first time around!!! That turned out to be a chemical pregnancy... but this month, her second try, she's pregnant for real. I'm really excited for her, but a little sad at the same time. I was totally anticipating us bonding over this, and now it's going to be me, on the sidelines... I know this sounds awful, but I'm really glad that it didn't happen last month. Gave me a month to get used to the idea, at least.

So far it's been pretty okay, although I was there last night when she told my mom, that was hard. Especially when Mom's husband says to me "Well, I guess she beat you...". I just don't even know what to say! I'm pretty sure he didn't mean to be hurtful, but that doesn't make it NOT hurt. I guess I'm going to have to get used to crap like that.

(My father passed away ten years ago, when I was 21, and Mom remarried in 2000. So I call him my mother's husband rather than my stepfather, because he really has not been at all like a father to me. I like him just fine - usually. But I cannot call him my stepfather.)

Unfounded optimism

This is going to be a bit of a ramble - I have so many things floating around in my head...

So much for me thinking that all I need to do is ovulate and I'll be popping out babies like a champ. M has sperm issues. 48% motility and 3% on the morphology. So the RE told me that we should go right to IUI. HA. I don't even get to try making a baby in anything close to the 'old fashioned way'. I kinda feel gypped.

On the other hand, though, I think I have it easier than some because I know what's wrong. I know why I'm not getting pregnant. In some ways that's less stressful, I think, than wondering every month if I am or not.

M has to have a few other tests done, I guess to figure out if there's some underlying problem with him or not. One of the tests is an ultrasound of the scrotum. I almost burst out laughing when the RE told me that. The picture I get in my head...

He travels for work, gone Monday through Thursday each week. Which makes scheduling tests kinda tough. Plus we're gone from 2/25 to 3/22, so this is going to push things back even further. I was thinking I'd start meds in the week after we got back, but I couldn't even get him an appointment until the Friday, then he has to see a urologist, THEN we can start thinking about meds. I hate waiting.

One good thing about IUI is that we can freeze his sperm so I don't have to worry about flying to wherever he is for baby-making sessions. But it seems so impersonal and antiseptic and so NOT what I had imagined. It would be so odd to get pregnant without him there. It makes me laugh and cry at the same time.

There I go again, actually thinking that I might get pregnant. What a joke.

Until now I'd always said that I'd stop at IUI - if it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be. I like our life together. I love my job, I have a bazillion hobbies, friends, family... but I realized yesterday walking back from the RE that it was easy to say that because it actually never crossed my mind that I *wouldn't* be able to get pregnant. Easy to say you won't do IVF when you're not actually faced with the choice. Not so easy when the life you'd imagined for yourself is slowly but surely being flushed down the fucking toilet. I was so naive!

Misc

I wish there were more people in blog-land with my problem. My gyn told me "gain some weight, don't exercise so much, and you'll probably get your period back". My RE completely disagreed, and seems to think we should go ahead with hormone treatments. I'd like to know, if I do gain weight (actually that part's taken care of, I'm back to what I was before I decided to lose anything), how long before I get my period? Right away? Months? Years? It would be nice to know what other people's experience is. I know that there are others, they have to do the clinical studies on someone, right? I just can't find anyone.

Speaking of my RE, going to see her today to discuss next steps. M had his SA on Friday (I felt really bad for him he called me from there and said "Does it matter if I didn't get very much in there?" Apparently the logistics were tough - any suggestions? it's one thing to pee in a cup, but I can see how this might cause problems. tee hee). We've had all the other blood work done, so hopefully we're good to go.

My gyn didn't really seem to know about pulsatile GnRH at all, and wasn't aware that one of the leading clinics for it is right at MGH. So it'll be interesting to hear what the RE's take on it is, whether she knows about it, can do it, thinks it's a pile of crap...