delusions

Every now and again I notice that my CM is different. So I convince myself that it's because I'm ovulating. Don't tell M because he'll think I'm nuts, but jump him anyway. At least that part is fun. And then I convince myself that it really is possible that I'm pregnant, despite the fact that I feel *none* of the symptoms. I read about people's boobs hurting so they think they might be... I don't even have that. Just a delusional imagination.

My RE wants me to go on the pill while I'm on vacation (South Africa for 3.5 weeks), in preparation for starting injections when I get back and M has seen the urologist. In a way I don't want to, I still have these absurd ideas (yes, delusions) that I'm just magically going to ovulate, M's 1.5 million good sperm will magically find this super egg, and I'll get pregnant while we're away.

I guess I still haven't really accepted the fact that this is a pipe dream. I should just get over it and go on the fucking pill.

But somehow I still hold out hope - I'll wait, take a pg test while we're away, and start the pill two weeks before M's appointment. Then within the week after that I see the RE, get the go-ahead for injections and go off the pill. But at least if I don't go on the pill right now, there is a small chance that we might manage it on our own. You know, the whole "all you need to do is relax" thing. ha.