Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Unfounded optimism

This is going to be a bit of a ramble - I have so many things floating around in my head...

So much for me thinking that all I need to do is ovulate and I'll be popping out babies like a champ. M has sperm issues. 48% motility and 3% on the morphology. So the RE told me that we should go right to IUI. HA. I don't even get to try making a baby in anything close to the 'old fashioned way'. I kinda feel gypped.

On the other hand, though, I think I have it easier than some because I know what's wrong. I know why I'm not getting pregnant. In some ways that's less stressful, I think, than wondering every month if I am or not.

M has to have a few other tests done, I guess to figure out if there's some underlying problem with him or not. One of the tests is an ultrasound of the scrotum. I almost burst out laughing when the RE told me that. The picture I get in my head...

He travels for work, gone Monday through Thursday each week. Which makes scheduling tests kinda tough. Plus we're gone from 2/25 to 3/22, so this is going to push things back even further. I was thinking I'd start meds in the week after we got back, but I couldn't even get him an appointment until the Friday, then he has to see a urologist, THEN we can start thinking about meds. I hate waiting.

One good thing about IUI is that we can freeze his sperm so I don't have to worry about flying to wherever he is for baby-making sessions. But it seems so impersonal and antiseptic and so NOT what I had imagined. It would be so odd to get pregnant without him there. It makes me laugh and cry at the same time.

There I go again, actually thinking that I might get pregnant. What a joke.

Until now I'd always said that I'd stop at IUI - if it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be. I like our life together. I love my job, I have a bazillion hobbies, friends, family... but I realized yesterday walking back from the RE that it was easy to say that because it actually never crossed my mind that I *wouldn't* be able to get pregnant. Easy to say you won't do IVF when you're not actually faced with the choice. Not so easy when the life you'd imagined for yourself is slowly but surely being flushed down the fucking toilet. I was so naive!

1 comment:

Lisa said...

You are going through a lot of emotions that I have gone through, and still do. My husband has the same motility/morphology issues, and it turns out he has varicoceles (varicose veins in the scrotum that heat up the sperm, therefore damaging them). He had the surgery to correct them, but it did not help to the extent that we could conceive on our own. One even came back. We did IUI five times with no positive, then moved on to IVF. It was only then that I discovered I had a uterine septum. Like I said on my blog, does it ever end? The good news is that you've identified the problem, and when you do start to ovulate again, I would definitely recommend doing the IUI right away. And please don't hate me for saying this, but brace yourself for IVF if you really do want that family. Maybe you will be really lucky and the IUI will work, but it didn't happen that way for us. Before my husband had surgery, I read something on a message board that said "don't even waste your time with the varicocele surgery - just go right to IVF". I wish I had listened. But please don't get discouraged by the thought of maybe having to do IVF - it is not as bad as it sounds. Not as easy as conceiving the old fashioned way, but definitely not as terrible as I thought it would be. If I can be of any help to you, please let me know. Good luck!