in case you're wondering

I did not take my progesterone last night, with the expectation of a BFN this morning, if I was surprised I could have taken the progesterone at that point. Not surprised by the POAS result.

Finally started spotting this afternoon, thank goodness. I was a little worried that the crimson bitch would not show which would put a wrench in my ivf plans.

So, intake appointment and CD3 b/w and u/s on Wednesday. Hopefully my numbers aren't too bad and we can move forward from there.

I don't even know what to think.

I called the IVF clinic yesterday and have an appointment with an RE next Weds, and they've put in the slips for me to do CD3 b/w and u/s over the weekend. (I know!)

But, Still no sign of red anywhere. AND my temp was up quite high for me this morning. I had said that I wouldn't test again until tomorrow, but I have no willpower with tests in the house. So I peed on the second one of the pack that jumped into my basket.

And it was still stark snowy white.

WTF??

I'm pretty sure that my O date is correct (http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/1bae1f) so what the hell?

I will call my RE's nurse today and ask if I can get a beta tomorrow if still no blood.

It almost has me thinking that maybe the pg tests are bad? Way to fuck with me, universe!!! At this point I'm just laughing about it.

Hope really is a little bitch.

I should really know by now NOT to do any 2ww symptom analyzing. It just doesn’t lead to good things for me.

This cycle I started feeling some cramps at 8dpo, and I noticed that it was a bit more slippery when I was inserting my progesterone, both of which happened when I got my BFP with A.

So of course the mind starts ticking…

A few days later, I noticed that my bbs were sore when I was going down the stairs at a decent clip. Hmmmmm, goes me.

Until I realized the next day that it was actually my chest that was sore, probably from some exercises I had done Friday that I wasn’t used to. The day after that I actually figured out that it’s my ribcage area that’s sore, I think from my underwire bra (I desperately need new ones, but keep saying to myself that I’ll get them AFTER I have the baby. Ha ha ha.)

So bye-bye to that symptom. But, my temp was still up, when it’s usually dropped to around my coverline by this point, still feeling crampy, still feeling slippery.

I had resolved to follow my usual (as of the last few cycles) no testing until I’m officially late.

But then I had to go to the grocery store and a pregnancy test just jumped into my basket. I tried to stop it, but it was a feisty little bugger.

Decided to use it the next morning (13dpo) to manage expectations. Because I really was getting my hopes up, and would rather get a negative now, if that’s the way the chips are going to fall, than have two more days to imagine and hope.

Thought about it falling asleep, who was I going to share the good news with first and how?

Except that when I got up and peed on said test, it was completely totally stark white. So barren that I couldn’t even *guess* as to the location of the putative second line. So much for good news to share. La la la I know that it’s early, but if I’m pregnant, based on past history there should at least be a shadow of a line.

So. I’ve actually been thinking about doing one hail mary IVF, since we’ve now had well over the 6 BFN cycles that would be required to label me as infertile given my “advanced maternal age”. Apparently it is covered by my insurance and I wouldn’t have to go through IUI cycles first.

I’m feeling quite a strong sense of déjà vu. Before we had kids I was all, “if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be, if not I’ll do other things with my life and that will be okay”. That is so easy to say when you think you’ll be getting pregnant lickety split. And I feel the same way now. A few months ago I had said to DH that I wasn’t interested in doing any kind of treatments this time around, if it’s not meant to be then it’s not, and our lives would probably be easier without a third child – but again, I’m finding that I’m not quite so blasé about the idea anymore. So now lets see if I convince him or the other way around.

My entry in this year's "Moron of the Year" contest

This happened a couple of weeks ago, but I thought y'all might get a kick out of it. I do in retrospect...

It all starts a few months ago - we let the kids play in the car on a fairly regular basis, it's in a garage so it's not going to go anywhere, and it's a great way to entertain them. Well, I guess the battery is getting old, so they managed to run it down a few times. We took it in for service and they confirmed that the battery was on its last legs - but we chose not to get it replaced, figuring we'd save some money by getting a few more months out of it. And down the slippery slope go, with mistake #1.

We had been away, and got home from FL Thursday night, so my plan was to let the boys play at home Friday am, then run some errands in the afternoon. They played in the car while I gathered up all the things we wanted / needed to bring with us on our errands, (mistake #2). A also got our portable battery (which I have used to jumpstart the car on multiple previous occasions, running down the battery is a thing with me) and they were playing with that too, using it's light to shine on things (mistake #3). So I finally get everything ready and go to start the car. No dice. Wasn't even turning over a tiny bit. So I think, "no biggie, I'll just use the portable battery". I go and hook that up, press the start button - the engine turns over, but not very healthily, and car won't start. BAH! So I think, "maybe we should just stay home." But, I see our neighbors across the street are home, so maybe I can get a jump from them. Mistake #4. I go over and check, and they do in fact have jumper cables. Cool! I say, "I'll just go push the car out, and meet you down here". I think, "Maybe I should ask for help?" but don't want to put them out. Mistake #5. So I go back up our driveway, hop in the drivers seat and try pushing with my foot to get the car backing out of the garage. Not enough traction. I hop back out, and hold onto A's door, using that for leverage. Works great! My plan is to get the car started, then hop back in. Mistake #6. I think you can probably get an inkling of where this is going... at the magical moment when the car has enough momentum I go to open the driver's door, but can't because it's right next to the garage door. holy fucking shit is what I'm thinking at this point.

And unfortunately, that was the last opportunity I had. At this point, the car is going faster and faster (our driveway is quite steeply sloped), and I just can't turn, open the door and hop in fast enough. So now I'm running next to the car, holding onto A's door trying with all my might to stop the damn thing and screaming, "NO NO NO NO NO NO". Down our driveway we trundle, across the road.... down through the neighbor's yard which also has a nice slope to it, I'm thinking, "I have a little more traction here, can I stop it?" I dig my heels in the best I can, but the answer is no, a 130lb woman against a two-ton car has no chance in hell. So *CRASH* we go, into our neighbor's house.

Fortunately, no-one was hurt, the car did not actually go INTO the house, more like just bounced off, so all in all it could have been way worse (like if a car was coming when we were zooming across the road!). But what a total complete bonehead move on my part!!!!! I swore in front of the kids for the first time ever, I couldn't stop myself from just saying "Fuck fuck fuck jesus christ fuck!" for about two minutes while T screamed (I was trying to get him out but couldn't open his door because it was in the bushes so ended up getting him out on A's side) T stopped crying shortly thereafter and I was able to control my potty mouth. My neighbor was so good about it, I apologized profusely about a thousand times!

It's all being covered by my car insurance, although I did have a moment's worry because I was not actually *driving* the car...