All still well. Supposedly.

Had my first ultrasound yesterday.

Immediately saw a big black blob in my uterus = good.

Doc then went to check my ovaries - still somewhat enlarged, but not bad, and a nice corpus luteum on each side.

Back to big black blob. Only one = good.

My heart sank though, because that was all I saw so i thought it was a blighted ovum or something.

But, when doc zoomed in, he claimed he could see the yolk sac and fetal pole, and even measure the crown-rump length which was 5w5d, so right where it should be (theoretically 5w6d according to ER date).

I saw some white shmutz, but I guess if he says it was a yolk sac and fetal pole I should probably believe him.

No hb. I *know* it's early. But we did see one at 5w6d with A, so in my heart of hearts I was expecting to see it, despite telling everyone (and trying to tell myself) that I had no expectations going in.

It totally makes sense that we didn't see a hb - with my betas running three days behind where they were with A, I should really consider that I was 5w3d yesterday, which is WAAAAAY too early.

So theoretically everything is chugging along as it should be. And I started feeling a little queasy today, 6w exactly, which is right on schedule.

And in a way I think it's better that we didn't see a hb because if we don't when i go back next Thursday it won't be quite the same shock as if we did see one today and then it stopped.

so.

Trying to be zen. I know there is nothing that I can do to affect whatever the outcome will be so trying to just focus on other things and hope the time passes quickly.

All is well. And yet...

First beta 354. Second beta 850-something. I was so excited to hear that it more than doubled that I didn't even remember the exact number which is totally unlike me. Doubling time of 38-ish hours.

I also got to switch from PIO to endometrin. Yucky as that is (entire suppositories coming out in my pad on occasion), still WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY better than the PIO. I've still got bruises from that!

First u/s scheduled for 8/23 at 3:30.

As my last m/c was discovered at 9.5 weeks, with the baby's growth stopped at about 8.5 weeks I find myself not terribly worried about next weeks' ultrasound or even the one two weeks after that (perhaps I should be!) but I won't be able to believe there's even a chance this is going to work out until we get past the 10-ish week mark.

It's odd. I'm pregnant, they tell me, yet I feel no different, and it's as if i've put that knowledge in some other part of my brain to think about later. I was going to tell my mom when she came over yesterday, but couldn't get the words out. Surreal.

Beta = 354

17dpo. Not bad, but not great in comparison to my previous pg which were ~350 at 14dpo and ~850 at 16dpo, and ~500 at 15dpo. I am hoping it's just because IVF pg tend to have lower betas than natural, and I believe I found a scientific paper to that effect when I was researching why my betas were so much higher than those most people were posting.

Going back on Monday for a repeat. Not so worried about that, more about what happens in a few weeks, but I think that's only natural based on my m/c being at 8.5 weeks. I imagine i will need a lot more hand holding as / if we get closer to that.

Updated: I get to change to endometrin instead of PIO. Whoop whoop!

NOT proven otherwise yet...

Beta tomorrow. I figured I'd call the "cycle nurse" and ask two questions. One, if I am in fact pregnant, could I change to a different type of progesterone (answer: can be discussed, they do let some people change, although they are not going to test my progesterone level), and two, if I am not pregnant, would the plan be to start bcp immediately upon AF's arrival for another cycle (answer: no, I would have to have an apt with the doc first). This totally threw me for a loop - I just feel like it would be a totally wasted month, given that of our 8 mature eggs only 1 ended up being any good - chances of a natural cycle being any good are somewhat slim and getting slimmer.

So, despite having pretty much vowed not to test before the b/w tomorrow (I figured PIO would be way harder tonight if I knew I was not pregnant), I threw that out the window. If I *knew* the blood test would be negative I could demand to speak to a nurse in person when I went for the draw tomorrow am and see if I could convince them not to make me wait another month.

I immediately went out to Walgreens and picked up a test. (I always go for the cheap ones, crazy?). Then I went next door to Starbucks, ordered a mocha coconut frappuc.ino in which to drown my sorrows, and proceeded on into the bathroom to take the test. (how many pg tests do you think have been taken at starbucks??)

So I peed, and I watched. And watched... saw the liquid line going up, nothing showing up in the test window. Eh, just what I expected. But wait! the control line was coming up and maybe something else? Holy.EFFING.SH*%&#$%^T! NOT NEGATIVE. I looked again to make sure. Definitely two lines.

Grabbed my now celebratory frappucino and headed right to the car where I had left the test box to make sure that the two lines actually meant what I thought they did, it wasn't that I was supposed to see a plus sign or anything like that. And sure enough, two lines means no longer PUPO, just P!

Called DH right away because I figured if I knew he should too. Then my sis. At least I got the order right this time!

So damn, I was wrong. Things seem to have worked! (so far anyway. I know there's a long way to go before I can truly breath easy. But at least this is a start!)

PIO update

Went to see the nurse this morning. Apparently we have been doing the shots in completely the wrong place, and in the wrong way. HA.

The day I took my trigger shot, I spoke to the nurse after my u/s and she gave me a general idea of where to do the shots, but we both thought I would be there the following day for another one, so she just gave me a general idea of where to do it, but didn't draw circles or anything.

So when I did do the trigger shot that night, we watched the Village pharmacy tutorial, and picked the locations for the shots based on that and what the nurse had said (about where your thumb goes when you're putting hands on hips).

Well, today's nurse drew circles further down and further outside, much more on the fleshy part of my bum. She also said that rather than stretching the skin out, which is what the VP tutorial had said, that DH should pinch a sizeable amount (of blubber) and then do the shot into that.

So, we'll see how that goes.

And, I totally chickened out of asking for an early beta since the conversation with the nurse was so short and to the point. So three more sleeps 'til that.

PI-OUCH!

So, Just had the WORST PIO experience. When DH tried the first time it felt like he hit the same nerve he'd gotten the first time we did PIO on my right side / hit a knot in a muscle, and he said that the needle wouldn't go all the way in, it felt like it was hitting something hard like bone. So we tried again. And again. And again. then switched to the other side, and same damn thing. I told him to just push the PIO in anyway - well, it started spurting back out again! I almost fainted, darkness was closing in on me, barely made it to our bed.

So I think I'm going to go in to the clinic in the am and just ask if one of the nurses can do it and show me if we've been doing it in the wrong spot. DH said usually it's just like going into butter, but this time it was "crunchy" as if he was hitting something hard. I'm wondering if it's either muscle knots or just the oil that's just kinda hanging out there. Regardless, not fun for either of us (and I actually think less fun for him than me). We went through seven needles (including going in to get more PIO out b/c I squirted it when trying to get the bubble out from the new needle.)

LOL and ARGH at the same time.

Oh, and I figure if I'm in there anyway I might just ask for a beta (tomorrow will be 14dpo, currently scheduled for beta at 17dpo :) Also progesterone, and if it's high enough I'll see if they'll let me switch to vaginal. b/c I think the next shot is going to be HARD!

pupo*

Today is 3dp5dt (3 days past 5 day transfer for those not versed in IVF lingo). I feel nothing. I was hoping that I might feel a bit crampy, or SOMETHING people, but nope.

Backing up a few days, starting Sunday night I found I was feeling the most nervous I think I have ever been for anything. which is weird, right? I think there was a butterfly mosh pit or something going on in there. Not because of the transfer procedure; that's fairly straightforward, I think just not knowing how many embryos were still growing, and of course, the eventual outcome.

Monday morning, more of the same. I could barely eat, which trust me, NEVER happens. I managed to force down some cereal as the only thing that seemed remotely appetizing. I had had doubts, when I read through my med protocol, about the vali.um they had prescribed to be taken an hour and again 15 min before transfer - by Monday morning I was counting down the minutes until I could pop one of those suckers!

When I finally did, it really did help, I felt much more zen within 15 min or so which was great. Took the second when we arrived at the clinic, as instructed. Had full bladder as instructed.

Commented to the nurse after they had me change into the hospital gowns in a ROOM WITH A TOILET that that was really mean! ;)

So we both got gowned up, then headed in to the transfer. They told us that of our seven embryos, one was a good looking blast (no score, but the pic looks to me like a 4AB from the advanced fertility website), and the other was not so hot (maybe a 2BB?), probably wouldn't make it to freeze, so they were recommending we transfer both.

I had prepped DH with my arguments against transferring two, in case the V made me so loopy I was unable to marshall them myself, but I was fully capable when it came down to it. A) we don't want twins. B) I have three natural pg under my belt (would that be a chastity belt?) C) This is our first IVF cycle, D) would rather not be pregnant than have twins. They did try and push us a bit further, by showing us a document they had typed up with their recommendations on eSET (only for women under 35 with at least one freezable blast in addition), which isn't really much of an argument, we stayed firm, and they relented. Perhaps if we get further down this road we will change our mind, but not now.

The transfer was u/s guided, and they used some weird-assed stirrups that held my whole legs up, and also tilted the table backwards so I felt like I was at maybe a 30 degree angle. I guess that helps with getting the catheter into the cervix? I tried as best I could to just relax, but I found myself tensing my legs as if to hold them up myself. It was definitely odd. Basically all I could think about though was how my bladder felt like it was going to explode every time the doc pressed on the ultrasound thingy. A friend who experienced this the week before did not have val.ium, and said that she felt horribly embarrassed basically having her entire ass hanging out in front of the doc. I guess another + for drugs! They did it first with just the catheter, then got the embryo, claimed they could see a little flash on the u/s as it was deposited (I could see where the catheter was but did not see the "flash"), checked that the catheter was empty, and then we were done.

Stayed at the clinic for another 15 min or so in quite a comfortable chair/bed (ched?), then got up, PEED!, and went home. NOW I was feeling loopy, and when we got into the car to drive home, asked DH if we had paid for the parking. He assured me that we had, but I could find no recollection of it anywhere.

Almost as soon as we got home I headed to bed, NOT feeling like myself, and slept for the next FOUR hours. I would have slept longer, too, except that the phone rang and woke me up.

Still didn't feel like myself, could barely eat dinner (again, NOT normal), so went back to bed again until about 10pm (not sleeping this time, just didn't feel like doing anything). At that point I finally did feel back to myself except FREEZING. Put on a sweater then within a few minutes I was drenched in sweat. Temp was 99.8. Ugh. I was then imagining that the fact that I had mistakenly skipped on of my doxycyline doses meant I had a raging uterine infection that was going to ruin this whole thing, so I actually called the clinic. Doc I spoke to was really nice, said they don't worry unless fever is >100.4, take some Tylenol (which I already had) and for sure come in the next day if my fever went any higher. Fortunately, next morning I felt my usual chipper self, so that crisis was averted.

So now I'm PUPO, but as I said not feeling terribly hopeful as I'm feeling nothing (aside from an inordinate number of hiccups** yesterday, but that was isolated). I don't even feel any of the normal PIO symptoms, just feel pretty much normal.

Found out today that the other embyro did not make it to freeze. In a way, the fact that only potentially one of our seven embryos made it past day 5 almost makes me feel better about our chances - we have NOT been making good embryos all along, so maybe, hopefully, my uterus is just fine?

*Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise; Anyone know who coined the term? was it Julie / A little pregnant?

** I have hiccupped every day for the past 23 years. At first it was on the order of 100's of times a day, it's dwindled down to about a dozen and I barely notice them anymore. Except yesterday when I probably hiccupped around 100 times. (Guinness record is 63 years so I hope not to make that!)