Saturday, July 24, 2010

In need of a hug.

I've been feeling really sad and lonely these past few days. I have a fair number of "friends" IRL, but I feel like I'm the only one who tries in our relationships, most of them never call unless it in response to a message I've left, and it really makes me wonder if there's something about me that turns people off. I have such a hard time making friends because I'm naturally an introvert and mostly don't even strike up conversation with anyone even if I think I might like to, so I only have a few friends that I've collected at each stage of my life. And everyone just seems so wrapped up in their own lives right now - I know I am, but I still make time to call people, especially when I know there's something going on with them.

A few of my friends called post D&C, but nothing for a few weeks now. I just found out that Schweffel was in fact Schweffelette, a chromosomally normal female. I knew that was a possibility, the normal part, but it leaves so many more question marks than if the result was some kind of abnormality. I doubt it was the fact that I wasn't taking progesterone as that's right around the time the placental progesterone is supposed to take over, but it's definitely a what if. (That I'm going to avoid in the future by taking progesterone for sure. I honestly didn't think I'd get pregnant with a barely 10-day LP without it.)

Getting back to the friends thing, I've even tried to perhaps make some new friends by inviting some of Antony's classmates/parents over for playdates - the other mothers haven't even reciprocated the invitation, let alone become friends. Like I said, I really wonder what it is that I'm doing wrong.

Have you made any good (girl)friends in your adult life? How did you meet them? How did you end up being friends instead of just acquaintances?


Yo-yo Mama said...

I'm the last person to give you advice as far as IRL friends go. Funny how certain things bring women together (pregnancy and childbirth) and how heartache pushes them apart (miscarriage and loss of job). BTW, I'm referring to my circumstances.

mara said...

Oh, Nico. I wish I lived in Boston (or had a reason to come visit again) and could go out with you for a hug and a drink.

I'm sorry about the genetic results too. One thing my doctor mentioned is that she doesn't normally put a lot of stock in normal female results, because they might have tested you rather than Schweffel. She will usually do a DNA test comparing your DNA to the samples to see if it is different enough to have been the fetus'. (I don't know if this helps or not, so I'm sorry if it doesn't.)

The friend thing is so hard. I lived in Boston for a year after college and had such a hard time making friends. Then I moved to Chicago (because I was lonely) and got lucky to find a big group of friends right away. I actually read a blog by a girl with this exact problem ( trying to make a BFF in a new city. I really doubt it's anything you're doing wrong. I think it's just really hard. (I'm an introvert too.)

I hope your IRL friends step up to the plate soon. And I really wish we lived closed together and could get together. Thinking of you.

Thalia said...

I agree that friendships need work, both to be established and to be maintained. I think one of the things you can do is to not take it personally when they don't call or reciprocate - it may be nothing to do with you and everything to do with how busy they are. Or maybe they are just jerks.

The closest friends I've made recently are those I made through antenatal classes - sorry, I know that doesn't help much. When I moved to Philly and didn't know anyone it took me a year to make non-work friends, and that was through a random conversation i started with a stranger in a bookshop, and saying 'yes' to the subsequent dinner invitation (despite my shyness) and invitation to her book club. Don't know if that helps at all. But perhaps just taking a chance on that nice looking woman at the playground, at the playgroup, trying again wiht one of Anthony's friends...not sure.

Hang in there. This is just a very sad time.

Molly said...

So sorry about your little girl. :(

Luckily, I have some pretty great coworkers here. If I didn't have a lot in common with them and get along with them well (if I had stayed at the job where I temped instead of getting this job, for example), I'm sure I'd be desperately lonely. I wish I had some more suggestions for you.

Josey said...

Nico - I just saw that you were reading through my blog archives. Thank you for all the comments!

This is the first post I've read of yours, but I'm sorry about the D&C and the lack of IRL friends who make the effort to let you know they care.

If it's anything like my situation, I'm sure a lot of them just don't know WHAT to say, so they say nothing at all. :(

Meeting good friends as an adult is hard. In grade school you have years together, in college you spend every waking moment together, but once you have a job/husband/kids/etc. to distract it's a lot harder. I have no great advice on this subject - just hang in there. I'm finally finding some good girlfriends I relate to, and it helps SO MUCH.

JV said...

Sending you a virtual hug. I can relate to the IRL friends difficulties, and I also have wondered what brings a new acquaintance to friendship level, what makes the difference. I think it's a combination of affinity and proximity (and luck, in running into the right people). I am so sorry about the genetic results, I know that would hit me bad, even if there is a chance that it was your tissue they tested - still. Big hug to you, hang in there.

Sheherazade said...

Lord, Nico, I got nothing. A good friend is hard to find, but definitely worth the stress. I think they're like men--actively seeking doesn't often help, but you find each other eventually. I don't really have any geographically close good friends at the moment.

Amanda said...

Oh Nico...I wish we lived closer, I know we would be great friends. Friendships can be hard, and require work to keep them going sometimes. And like Josey said, it seems the older we get, the harder it is. One thing that helped me was joining a rec sport...I know you're into hockey..and potential there?

T said...

I feel the same exact way! You are touching a lot of people through your clog though. I just stumbled upon it as I was mourning my recent diagnosis of HA. I've only read a few of your posts but feel like we are friends! Just remember, people will always disappoint. You have to just be content with who you are and, if you are religious, your relationship with God. Love the people in your life, but don't hold too high of expectations! Let the people in your life know how much you appreciate and cherish their friendship!
Here is a suggestion: Why don't you start some sort of weekly or monthly club that encourages people to come together (like a book club!) That way you have something to connect on and talk about too!

Lisa said...

I very recently stumbled on this blog while researching hypothalamic amenorrhea, which I was diagnosed with several years ago.

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. Not having close friends nearby must make this an even more difficult time; and at the same time, a sad or upsetting event can cast a shadow on other aspects of one's life (e.g. friendships) that normally seem OK. In any case, my best wishes to you and your family.

Also, and somewhat off-topic, I would like to thank you for writing this blog. I think my situation is quite similar to yours a few years ago, in that I'm also a highly active woman, with a weight definitely at the low end of normal -- and no menstrual period -- after not-so-drastic but highly welcome weight loss (10-15 lbs) in my very early 20s. (Coincidentally, I'm also in grad school in a life sciences field in the Boston area--funny, no?) I was diagnosed with HA when I took part in the leptin clinical trial at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center. (I found out later I was in the placebo group, though.)

I'm now 25 and, though my husband (who's 28) and I aren't quite ready to have a child yet, I think we may want to start "trying" in as little as a year from now. (I know this might seem young, but we're both planning on academic careers, and figure postdoc is a better time to have a baby than pre-tenure!) In any case, your blog has helped me start taking steps toward getting my fertility back, as it were. As of a month ago, I've cut back on the exercise and the calorie-counting, and am now waiting to see the effects... As you've written, it really is hard, and I have to remind myself constantly of the reasons that I'm doing it. In addition to all the useful information on your blog, I greatly appreciate your example as a woman who overcame HA and succeeded in having a family.

Anyway, that's more than enough about me in response to such a personal post. Please be well, and know that your thoughts are heard and are helping others.

Nico said...

Lisa - wanna have lunch some day? :-)

Lisa said...

Yes, that would be cool! How do I leave my contact info on here without getting crazy amounts of spam?

Mrs.Smith said...

Here's a hug and a hi from a total stranger, 3 years after you wrote this. :) I came across your blog because of some unusual health complications that may be related to hypothalamic ammenorriah. I have had some other symptoms when my body "tries" to kick into ovulation mode, but so far the "what's going on here" matches the HA description more than anything else.

Long story, and -geeze- you don't know me. Man, I can be chatty when I'm on bedrest. Sorry.
I just can't leave those heartfelt questions alone, though, even if you don't maintain this blog any more. How do you know you've crossed that line from acquaintance to friend? How do you make new friends? As a kid sometimes it's easy. You both like Harry Potter? Score! New friend!
With grownups, though, how do you break through that layer of "to-do-list" and really connect?

In my life, I've found that asking for help often does the trick. Generally speaking, good people love to help others - and good people make great friends. Also generally speaking, people are usually quicker to give service than they are to accept it... So offering to help doesn't usually get you anywhere.

I've found that church can be a great place to meet/make friends, too, because you know you have something important in common right off the bat.

It's been a long time since this post, though -- I hope things are better! I hope you had a beautiful baby #3 and that your friends IRL keep you much too busy to maintain this blog.


Mrs.Smith said...

Um, evidently I'm also an idiot when I'm on bedrest. lol! Sorry, looks like you DO maintain this blog and, um, now I have no idea why I didn't check that kind of thing before commenting.