In need of a hug.

I've been feeling really sad and lonely these past few days. I have a fair number of "friends" IRL, but I feel like I'm the only one who tries in our relationships, most of them never call unless it in response to a message I've left, and it really makes me wonder if there's something about me that turns people off. I have such a hard time making friends because I'm naturally an introvert and mostly don't even strike up conversation with anyone even if I think I might like to, so I only have a few friends that I've collected at each stage of my life. And everyone just seems so wrapped up in their own lives right now - I know I am, but I still make time to call people, especially when I know there's something going on with them.

A few of my friends called post D&C, but nothing for a few weeks now. I just found out that Schweffel was in fact Schweffelette, a chromosomally normal female. I knew that was a possibility, the normal part, but it leaves so many more question marks than if the result was some kind of abnormality. I doubt it was the fact that I wasn't taking progesterone as that's right around the time the placental progesterone is supposed to take over, but it's definitely a what if. (That I'm going to avoid in the future by taking progesterone for sure. I honestly didn't think I'd get pregnant with a barely 10-day LP without it.)

Getting back to the friends thing, I've even tried to perhaps make some new friends by inviting some of Antony's classmates/parents over for playdates - the other mothers haven't even reciprocated the invitation, let alone become friends. Like I said, I really wonder what it is that I'm doing wrong.

Have you made any good (girl)friends in your adult life? How did you meet them? How did you end up being friends instead of just acquaintances?

ha ha ha. Implantation spotting.

Yeah, not so much. CB is here in full force today. At least it's a 7-day LP instead of 6, that makes me feel better somehow.

And the Crimson Bitch rides???

My temps have been a little wonky since the day I may have O'ed. I was all stoked the first two days after, as my temps were nice and high, 97.9 and 98. Third day, though, back down to the basement at 97.4. Gah. So no confirmation of anything from FF. Which of course is the only thing that makes an ovulation real, right?

I plugged in some fake temps, and if I got two MORE days of high temps, after the first FF would give me a "you may have O'ed sometime between CD27 and 32", and confirm it at CD28 if I got a second one.

I often do that and almost always seem to get something different in reality. My temps do like to mess with me! This time, though, I did actually get another 98, and then 97.9, so that counted, yay! It's nice to know that at least I know my body after all this.

Friday night I spent lying in bed thinking about how nice it would be to have a progesterone pee stick to confirm ovulation, instead of all this temping bizness. Why has no-one invented one? I figure it would have a reasonable market, at least among IF patients? I spent much time thinking about what I'd need to research (number one being is progesterone detectable in urine (answer - yes)!), how I could find lab space if it was something I wanted to move forward with, that kind of thing. What do you think, would you have / would you be interested in purchasing something like that?

Saturday my temp was down a bit to 97.7, then today 97.5, and spotting started this morning. I thought it would have turned into CB by now, but still just spotting. Brownish mucousy gunk, lovely! At the first spot of pink on the tp, I thought, "implantation spotting"? Although I've never had that before so it's unlikely. But the rest of the gunk really does seem to herald CB. If she holds off until tomorrow at least that would be a 7-day LP instead of just 6. I was so hoping that as my LP was pretty consistently 10 days before my loss it would be so again, but, sigh, not to be.

I'm definitely using progesterone next cycle, I'm tired of all the what-ifs.

I MUST be imagining things.

I noticed a very small amount of EWCM last Wednesday, but just chalked it up to random post-D&C spewage. But I figured now that I had really stopped bleeding I might as well start temping and paying attention to things again, given I had the green light to start trying again. So I took my temp the next morning. Started checking my cervical position on Saturday, low, as I had expected.

BUT, yesterday I had a ton of EWCM, and my CP last night was way high. And then my temp was up to 97.9 this morning, which is well in the range of my usual post-O temps.

I'll have to temp for a few more days to confirm anything, and I'm trying very very hard not to get in the least bit hopeful (this is much quicker than my usual O's, normally I get 3-4 days of consistent EWCM, for one thing), and bms was not very well timed if in fact I did O, plus I'm expecting to be back to short LPs...

But if I did in fact O, HOLY SHIT!! I was so not expecting this for at least another few weeks given that I usually don't O until the CD20's.

So I think this must all just be wishful thinking!

More update

I had my followup apt yesterday, it was all of about 10 minutes, all we did was chat. Doc asked if my bleeding had stopped, which it had as of the day before. All of a sudden, gone.

She apologized again that I had to come in for a second D&C, which was a nice segue into the comments I wanted to make. I mentioned that I A) didn't understand why they didn't use u/s the first time - her answer was that there isn't one available on the day surgery floor vs. the second time I had it done in the L&D OR, B) why none of the OBs stopped by to see me after either procedure. The second was particularly galling, as umpteen hundred people introduced themselves to me beforehand, anesthesiologists (who did stop by), interns, fellows, residents, attending... not ONE of them came to see me afterwards.

She said she'd take that feedback to them, as well as for herself, which is all I could really ask for.

I also asked if there was any medical reason not to ttc right away, and she very honestly said, "no". She said it's basically so they have an easier time dating the pg. She said that she wouldn't necessarily recommend TI, but also wouldn't tell us to use any kind of protection. So it was nice to have my Pubmed research backed up.

Genetic testing results will probably take another 2 weeks or so, as they actually have to grow the cells from the fetus. I had thought they could just extract the DNA, but apparently they don't get enough that way so they have to culture the cells first. She sounded a little iffy about whether that could happen or not, probably because it was so long between Schweffels' demise and when they got the tissue out is my guess.

Oh, and I chickened out on asking for a beta. My pg test this morning was totally negative (yesterday was a shadow of a line, it's been getting lighter every day which I think is a good thing), so it's probably < 10 at this point.

Finally, doc asked if I'd like to come in for an early scan 'next time'. I actually declined - given that Schweffel was measuring 8w6d when I was 9w3d I believe his heart had only stopped recently - so I don't see that an early scan would give me any peace of mind at all, and I think would make another loss that much harder to bear, having seen earlier that everything was okay.

13 weeks.

I would have been 13 weeks tomorrow. Which means that everyone who is due around when I was is now announcing their pregnancies. I absolutely do not begrudge a single one of them. But I'm finding it a lot harder than I thought I would to say "congratulations". I want to say that I was supposed to have a baby then too. But then I don't know if that's raining on their parade and I should just say congrats and be done with it.

In many ways I'm sadder now than I was when we first found out. Then we had to deal with the logistics. Now I'm just waiting. And thinking.

Update (too tired to think of anything better)

My internet cheapies finally arrived, of course I couldn't WAIT to marry stick with pee. I don't know why I was so excited, really no result is a good one. But nonetheless, I hopped up on that cup as soon as I could manage. I was surprised that I didn't see a hint of a second line as the stick got wet, so I left it for a couple of minutes while I dealt with dinner. Came back and there was the faintest of faint second lines, definitely of the million suns variety. So my beta is probably in the neighborhood of 20-ish, as that's the sensitivity of the test. so that's not too bad. I'll be interested to see how long it takes to become undetecable. I'll probably test every day since I now have 25 tests, and who doesn't like a good morning pee-on-a-stick?

In other news, as my hormones have normalized, my tummy has gone down a bit, and I've lost most of the weight I had gained, so I'm feeling much better about myself. Still have the zits, but that's an ongoing problem (which it turns out maybe be caused by all the skim milk I drink). So all in all feeling a little better.

One thing that has really been bugging me is in regards to a woman who I had thought of as a friend. She is DH's best friend's wife. DH told his friend both about the pregnancy and when we lost Schweffel. I was a bit sad when she didn't call me at the good news, but whatever. But when she didn't call after the bad, I realized that in fact she is not my friend after all. Which sucks. I saw her today at an Eclipse trip organized by another mutual friend. She did apologize for not calling, but said, "I meant to call. But life got in the way". Seriously???? You couldn't fucking find five minutes to pick up the phone and see how I was doing? Never mind that when she was going through IF, and had an early m/c I was calling her ALL the time. With TWO kids AND working part time, where she's a SAHM with ONE. Give me a fucking break.