Saturday, December 18, 2010


I mostly like to pat myself on the back for conquering my hypothalamic amenorrhea. I don't overexercise anymore (I don't know how I would with the two kids!), and I eat pretty normally, including probably more than my fair share of chocolate.

But Thursday night, my HA mentality reared itself in full force. I had two choices of activities for that evening - my work holiday party at a nice place in town, or a scrimmage with my hockey team.

I *should* have picked the work party. But I didn't. And you know what my reason was? I picked burning calories over consuming them. And I actually thought about it like that. I knew there would be all kinds of yummy food at the party, so rather than go and enjoy myself, I opted to avoid it.

Which is really, really lame. And I'm kicking myself for it now. I don't get to see my coworkers much these days as I'm only in the office one day a week, and I've known a bunch of them for a long time, and consider them friends.

Hopefully I have learned my lesson from this, though, and even if I do feel pre-tortured by the food options, I will go, I will eat, and I will enjoy myself.

I really don't know why I even think about this, I'm at a perfectly healthy weight, and despite my recent splurges, the scale hasn't budged. So what was I so worried about? Stupid stupid stupid.

I guess the mindset never fully goes away, no matter how much we might tell ourselves we're over it.

Do you ever regress like this?? How do you handle it?


Anonymous said...

I know what you mean, Nico. I have a really hard time with that mentality too. I don't tend to regress in action all that often (i.e., overexercise/not eat enough) - mostly because I am LAZY. But I have bad body image days frequently. It's really hard to get over that, and I find it's worse when TTC. Kind of this, if I'm not going to be pregnant, I should at least look decent!

I'm sorry you missed your work party. :( But there will be other times, don't be too hard on yourself! You have a lot going on with work and your boys and grieving your loss and TTC again.

I hope you have great holidays!!!!

Amanda said...

You're definitely not alone in that mindset. I still find myself leaning towards those 'bad habits' especially now with parties, drinks, sweets, all the time! It wasn't just a habit for you, it was a lifestyle, so it will probably always be with you. The important thing is doing exactly what you did, recognizing when you need to shift your priorities back.

And I agree with the comment above, don't be too hard on yourself! :)

Ceejay said...

Yes! I definitely still have to fight major guilt if I ever skip a regularly scheduled exercise session (which are only 3 times a week these days, but still), even if it's for a good reason. Part of the problem is that the constant message out there among health professionals, the media, magazines, etc is to eat less and exercise more, because that's what most Americans need to hear. But I hear that and start feeling guilty about not exercising more, when that message definitely shouldn't be for someone like me!

nola said...

Hi Nico,

Just found your blog last night and am catching up. I am *extremely* thankful to find it as I am 4 months off the pill and no period or ovulation. Like you I'm a PhD overachiever type, low BMI (5'4" 110 lbs) who exercises regularly and eats a low-fat diet. All these years I worried about an unwanted pregnancy and now that I am ready, it's not happening. The fact that you eventually did conceive and have kids gives me hope. I'm willing to shove some fat down the hatch and cut back on exercise. I just wish I could find more data and empirical research to guide me. I'm all about evidence and taking control and this problem really has put me at a loss. My degrees are not in the medical field so I'm sort of out of my element.