A sibling

I think about TTC#2 all the time.

I think about it when I go to the bathroom, I'm constantly checking the tp for any signs of CM. Which I have actually seen a couple of times in the last few weeks. Makes me hopeful.

I think about it when I'm deciding whether to have a snack or not. Trying very hard not to let myself fall back into my old pattern of restricting what I eat because I don't want to have the same non-ovulating problems again.

I think about it when I look in the mirror and see all my imperfections. And when I avoid the mirror because I'm not happy with what I see.

I think about it when I step on the scale.

I think about it when I see pregnant women. Who are everywhere. And as DD mentioned, when I see non-pregnant women wearing those stupid maternity clothes that are all the rage now.

I think about it when Ant does something particularly cute.

I think about it when I see my sister who is pg with number two - an oops. I wonder if I could ever be so lucky.

I also wonder if people who didn't have trouble conceiving their first child have this same all consuming obsession with the second. I know that M doesn't - I asked him the other day how often he thinks about a potential sibling for Ant, and he said about once a month. It honestly probably crosses my mind 10-20 times a day. And we're not even wanting to 'try' yet. How much worse is this going to be when we are ready?

Notes from the front

I'm bored with what we eat. And I'm looking for either quick and easy recipes that I can make at night after Ant has gone to bed, or things that make for good leftovers. I was thinking of doing a reprise of Jenn's virtual cookie exchange, for dinner recipes. What do you think? If you think its a good idea and would be interested in participating, let me know either in the comments or via email (noperiodbaby[at]comcastDOTnet).

After my declaration of a few weeks ago that I was quitting nursing NOW, things improved significantly. The biting subsided again, I now let down for the pump almost every time, and overall it's just a much less frustrating experience. I did switch over the afternoon feed to formula because that was really iffy with me getting home from work, and if his sitters fed him before I got home finding the time to pump just wasn't happening. I was very pleasantly surprised that he had no problem at all taking the formula. Although when I went to make it for him the first time I was a bit taken aback by the WARNING: breastmilk is best for your baby in large letters. Way to stick the knife in and *twist*. I can only imagine how hard that warning is to see for someone who wanted to breastfeed but wasn't able to.

I played golf for the first time since April 30 of last year, this past weekend. I had been planning on playing until I was 7-8 months, but the contractions starting at 25 weeks foiled that idea. It was so nice to get out there again (the in-laws babysat for us), and I was very pleasantly surprised at how well I played. I had two holes where I fell apart, but even with that I still shot a 108 where I was regularly shooting about 104-105 before last year. And, the weather was just perfect!

Finally, we had another fun day with my niece yesterday. We went over to my mom's house for the afternoon. Her husband decided to mow the lawn - they have a big piece of land, so he uses a ride-on mower. The kids thought it was better than sliced bread. My niece was out there first, and was squealing in delight every time he'd come around the corner, and then waving and waving at him every time he'd make a pass. Ant and I joined them out there after a little bit, and he found it just as entertaining. When he gets excited he waves his arms up and down and pumps his little legs - every time R would drive by Ant would be jumping up and down with glee. Us adults had a marvellous time watching the kids have a marvellous time. They definitely help make everything fun and new again.

Sick. As a dog.

We spent last weekend with my sister and her family; hubby and 19 month old daughter. It was just marvellous, so great to spend an extended length of time with my niece. My favorite time with her was on the ferry ride home - she took me by the hand, and we walked around to look at all the various dogs people had brought with them. After we examined each one (from a distance), she would say "mah, mah", and make the sign for "more". So then we'd trot over to the next woof woof. Knee slap. Once she was tired of that we walked outside, where she asked to be picked up. She would stick her hand over the edge of the boat into the wind from our passage, then laugh hysterically and tuck her face into my shoulder. The best part for me was that I asked her a couple of times if she wanted to go back to her mom, and the answer was an emphatic "no". Made me feel so special :-)

Not so special, though, was the cold that Ant and I brought home from that weekend. Ugh. It started with just a runny nose, and fortunately that's all that Ant still has, but for me it's now morphed into a lovely cough with an accompanying fever. Ugh.

What I find really odd is that I *never* used to get sick. I really mean that. It was a bad winter for me if I got ONE cold. This year I've had two colds that have been so bad as to have a fever as well, viral conjunctivitis (of course the long-lasting kind with no cure but time), and the lovely stomach bug that was going around.

I'm wondering if this is all because my immunity is down because of breastfeeding. I was talking to a friend the other day, also BFing, and feeling the same about being way more sick this year than ever before (well, for as long as we can remember). Any other anecdotal evidence out there on this topic?

Total aside, sick as a dog? I don't know that most dogs are particularly ill.?

I quit!

Nursing, that is.

I wanted to hold on until a year. But, between the biting which has increased in frequency again and let me tell you is fricking painful when it’s eight teeth coming at my poor tender lady bits, and my complete failure to let down for the pump about 50% of the time, I just can’t do it.

I find myself getting upset and angry with Ant when he bites me, which I hate. I know that he’s not doing it out of any kind of malice, but I’m finding it very difficult not to let those emotions bubble up despite logically knowing that they don’t make sense. He’s also taken to popping on and off, which also exasperates me, as do the times when he seems to nurse endlessly.

Pumping used to be very easy – 5 minutes and I’d have somewhere around 5-6oz. Now, it takes me much longer to let down for the pump, if I even do. When there’s no let down I only get an ounce or two, or sometimes (like this morning) even less. I know there’s milk there – this morning he only ate from one side so I should be able to get at least 3oz from the other side. But when my reflex doesn’t cooperate, what I should get and what I do get are wildly different. So I’m finding that incredibly frustrating as well.

On the whole, I now dread nursing and I dread pumping. He doesn’t seem to care one way or the other whether he has the bottle or the breast. So I’ve decided that it’s okay for me to stop.

Although I started to write an IM to my sister this morning to ask about what kind of formula she’d recommend, and started getting all teary. Which is funny because I never thought of myself as emotionally attached to nursing. I guess I am to some extent. But I’m also feeling a big sense of relief with my decision.

I guess it will really depend, though, on whether he’ll take formula or not. We’ll find out this weekend!

(I’m not going to quit cold turkey – I’ll switch to formula for the daytime feedings first, then probably morning, then bedtime last. Any idea how long I should wait in between cutting out each feed?)