We're just going about our daily existence at the moment. We have all the information we're going to get, nothing we can do but wait and see.
I have told a few people face to face, and as settled as I am with trusting that we will enjoy and love our little Truffle no matter what, saying that there's something missing out loud is still really hard. I can't do it without crying.
I feel like I have so many other things I want to say but I'm afraid that they come out in ways I don't intend. And sometimes I can't even find the words.
I want to talk about how I find myself wishing we never had that ultrasound.
But that it probably is good to have an inkling beforehand that things might not go as hoped.
I think it would be harder, if Truffle does have challenges that our other boys have not, if we were trying to figure out why that was. Now we know.
I wonder if it is worth it to have another MRI after he is born. We know what the possibilities are, do we want to subject him to that when he's just a few hours old? What will it really get us? It's not going to change anything.
I don't wonder at all whether we will love him. I know the boys will do so unconditionally. I hope that we all can find it in ourselves to do the same. I hope that I don't find myself looking at other kids and thinking 'why didn't we get that?'. I hope that I am able to enjoy Truffle for who he is and not worry about what he is or isn't doing.
I also find myself hoping that I don't end up never being able to work again. This part-time stay at home mom thing was never intended to be permanent, and I'm afraid that going back to work again might not be possible. I often feel like I fall so far short of other stay at home moms in terms of the enrichment I offer my kids when I'm home with them, so many days feel like all I'm doing is whatever it takes to get through the day. I don't know that I can live with feeling like that for the rest of my life.