Saturday, February 04, 2012

Two weeks later...

We're just going about our daily existence at the moment.  We have all the information we're going to get, nothing we can do but wait and see.

I have told a few people face to face, and as settled as I am with trusting that we will enjoy and love our little Truffle no matter what, saying that there's something missing out loud is still really hard.  I can't do it without crying.

I feel like I have so many other things I want to say but I'm afraid that they come out in ways I don't intend.  And sometimes I can't even find the words.

I want to talk about how I find myself wishing we never had that ultrasound.
But that it probably is good to have an inkling beforehand that things might not go as hoped.
I think it would be harder, if Truffle does have challenges that our other boys have not, if we were trying to figure out why that was.  Now we know.
I wonder if it is worth it to have another MRI after he is born.  We know what the possibilities are, do we want to subject him to that when he's just a few hours old?  What will it really get us?  It's not going to change anything.

I don't wonder at all whether we will love him.  I know the boys will do so unconditionally.  I hope that we all can find it in ourselves to do the same.  I hope that I don't find myself looking at other kids and thinking 'why didn't we get that?'.  I hope that I am able to enjoy Truffle for who he is and not worry about what he is or isn't doing.

I also find myself hoping that I don't end up never being able to work again.  This part-time stay at home mom thing was never intended to be permanent, and I'm afraid that going back to work again might not be possible.  I often feel like I fall so far short of other stay at home moms in terms of the enrichment I offer my kids when I'm home with them, so many days feel like all I'm doing is whatever it takes to get through the day.  I don't know that I can live with feeling like that for the rest of my life.


J.o.s.e.y said...

((HUGS)) Things will work out the way they're supposed to. I know it's hard right now, but hang in there - like you said, you still have no idea what the outcome of all this will be. No use worrying about tomorrow and ruining your joys today.

Spindoctor said...

Oh Nico, I think you are going through - your thoughts and feelings - are what anyone in your position would be going through, and you are handling this tough situation with strength and incredible insight.

I'm here for you if you ever need support.

Martha said...

Thinking of you Nico. And hoping for the best for you and your family.

Susannah said...

Nico, just read this. I wish you weren't going through this, but what stands out to me in what you wrote was that you know you will love this baby and your boys will love this baby. And will compare him to others...what mom doesn't? I know this is more serious, but don't beat yourself up about feeling disappointed, or angry, or sad. As for the SAHM thing, I've only been doing it 2.5 yrs with one child, but I feel that way all the time. There are moments I truly love and enjoy, and then there are moments when I look at the clock and want to throw something at it. It's not easy, and no one is perfect at it. I sometimes feel like my goal is just to be halfway-not-horrible at it! I hope you get a work situation that is ideal for you, but while you're at home, don't put too much pressure on yourself. Your boys sound lovely, they got it from somewhere!

Just Us & A Miracle Baby too! said...

Everyone else has said it all better then I could. Thinking of you and hoping for the best .

S said...

Sending well wishes as I'm not sure what else to offer. Personally, I think knowing what will come is better because there is some preparation that can be done, even though it adds to the stress. I'm a "planner" though and could rightfully be off my rocker. :)

Hang in there.

Stephanie said...

I found your blog because I am battling with hypothalamic amenorrhea, but alas perspective. I am so so sorry for your difficulties right now. I can't imagine how hard this must be to want to protect and care for your boy and for him to be healthy. I am thinking of you and sending you prayers and hugs. I wish I had more. I wish I knew the "right" thing to say. But I don't. So for now. I just wish you all the best. Thinking of you and hoping that it works out.