Baby factory

I met with the RE from the IVF clinic today, henceforth to be known as the Conveyor Doctor, or just Conveyor for short. I was NOT impressed. I felt as if she was on autopilot. After we went over M's latest SA and the meeting with the urologist from yesterday (quote from the urologist: "The only way I'd do the surgery is if you put a gun to my head"), and told her that we'd like to go ahead with the insemination at this point, she was talking about giving me injections of FSH.

Now when I met with Dr. Pulsatile last week, she had said that I would need FSH *and* LH, given that I'm not really making either of them. So I gingerly queried Conveyor on that and she corrected herself, saying that she would do Repronex.

She did an ultrasound to check things out, then while she was still in the room, before even giving M and me a chance to discuss things, she wanted to know how we wanted to proceed (options - BC followed by injections, or just starting right in on injections). This was after she tried to convince me that I should take Provera to induce bleeding, which I have tried 2x with no effect. When I reminded her of that, she then suggested the BC.

Anyway, we're not 100% sure about our insurance, so I said I supposed the BC first, although that's not really what I wanted to do, it was just what I felt she was pushing me towards, and without a chance to talk about it with M and collect my thoughts, I just went with that.

After that she basically just foisted us off on the nurse. Who tried once again to give me info on Follistim, not the Repronex, so I had to make yet another correction. She really didn't seem interested in talking with me about the timing of all this (which is important given M's travel schedule for work), so I wasn't impressed by that either.

The last straw was that she pushed a piece of paper in front of me for me to sign. Appeared to be waiting anxiously for me to sign it... well I really don't like to sign things without reading them, so I took a quick scan through it. One thing that caught my eye was that it said "20% chance of multiples"!! I don't like that idea at all. Another thing was that it said that I was agreeing that I'd taken a gonadotropin class (no, I hadn't even been offered such a thing), that I'd received training on how to give the shots (no, again)... I crossed out the class thing and then signed it. But I was feeling really uncomfortable with it.

I felt as if they were just interested in getting me in and out as fast as possible, as if I was on a conveyor belt. "Take this injection, sign this form, bada bing bada boom", and that it was leading to all kinds of mistakes. Not a problem with most people, who ARE doing the same things, but with my issues, I need things to work a little differently, and they really didn't seem sensitive to that at all.

I didn't feel like that at all when I met with Dr. Pulsatile - in fact after my ultrasound on Friday she sat down with me and wrote out a list of all my options, with the pros and cons of each (pro of pulsatile GnrH - low chance of multiples). So, given my experience with Conveyor, I'm going to look a lot more seriously into participating in the clinical trial. I called today to find out more info, they're going over my medical records to see if I'm a good candidate or not. Even if not, I might stick with Dr. Pulse ('cause she appears to have one)anyway, I felt as if she had a much better grasp of what MY problems are, rather than just pushing me through the baby factory.

Death of the eternal optimist

This afternoon's poke showed my follicle at exactly the same size as it was on Wednesday, ie. not growing AT ALL. Ah well. So, no number, no race for me yet.

So definitely going to have to go with meds of some description. I did get the consent form for the clinical trial, so I'll have to think about whether getting the medication for free is worth having to draw blood on a daily basis. I kinda like the idea of participating in a trial. Any experience with that?

Good news! (no, not *that* good)

So having seen the Crimson Bitch for the very first time under my own power on 3/10, I could theoretically be ovulating at some point in the near future. I had started using OPK sticks last Sunday (there I go, being all optimistic again)... the first one had a very faint LH line, Monday's and Tuesday's were completely blank. Of course, since I've only had one period, I really have no idea how long my cycle might potentially be.

On Weds, I had my appointment at the MGH reproductive endocrinology clinic to discuss potentially using pulsatile GnRH vs. injectables. The doc offered to do an ultrasound to check out how my ovaries were doing - I actually have a follicle at 14mm!!! Last time I got poked, the biggest one was 8-9mm, so this is a definite positive sign. I'm going for another poke later today to see if it's actually progressing. I know it's such a small thing, but I feel like I might finally be able to think about 'trying'. Of course that's going to involve more poking, given the MF, but at least now I'm in line to get my number, and might be heading to the starting gate! (At that point I'm hoping for a 100 yard dash rather than a marathon or triathlon, but we'll have to wait and see).

Dr. Pulsatile also mentioned a clinical trial that I could potentially participate in, comparing use of Clomid to pulsatile GnRH (if I am not, after all, ovulating on my own) which might be a nice way to go given that my insurance won't cover any of the treatments.

And the Crimson Bitch rides!

Woo-hoo! Don't know whether it's that I'm less stressed, barely exercising, or eating like a pig on vacation, but CB (*love* Molly's patented nickname!) showed her face yesterday.

Had lunch with my Aunt and Uncle yesterday afternoon, I was having a bit of trouble holding my shit together as my sister announced her pregnancy yet again (she's in South Africa as well, and has been informing all the relatives we're visiting with). First she told my Uncle, then my Aunt arrived a few minutes later, so she had to be informed as well. Actually, my Uncle let her know, and I did like how he said it - "It's K and 2/9!" That's cute!

Anyway, I was sitting on the couch, when I noticed that my lower back was hurting (my only sign of PMS). Usually that means CB's on her way the following day, but I went upstairs to the bathroom, and there she was! I came downstairs with the hugest grin on my face, I must have looked like a complete moron. I know it's silly to be excited about something like this, I still have so far to go, but at least it's a start. I'm not *completely* broken!

fucking doctors

So I was reading Lisa's blog, and checked out her link on varicoceles. It sounded like that could definitely be M's problem, particularly as his testicles look exactly like the picture (one of them is definitely smaller than the other...) So I forwarded the link to him, and he told me he's pretty sure that's what he has, his doctor told him when he was sixteen. (I don't know if he mentioned the technical term, but the doc said 'it feels like a sac of worms'). BUT, the damn doctor *never* bothered to mention to him that it might affect his fertility.

I can understand not saying anything to a sixteen year old, but you would think that maybe once he was married????

I'm *so* angry. I don't know if it's worth going forward with IUI until this has been fixed, and the fact that it's making us wait probably another few months when it's something that we could have had fixed ages ago really pisses me off.

For me, right now, the waiting is definitely the hardest part. I think I'd be much more okay with it if we were actually able to "try" each month, but since I still have not seen any sight of CB, I'm just fucking waiting. fuck fuck fuck.

Sunny South Africa

We're on vacation. Thoroughly enjoying the R&R. I just spent the afternoon sunbathing on the balcony of our hotel room (yes, topless - very liberating!), sipping champagne and admiring our gorgeous view. I'm in heaven!