Irony

[Copied from my first blog, A Nickel for My Thoughts]

There were two reasons I really had for starting on my exercise / weight lifting kick over 2.5 years ago. One was that I wanted to get rid of the cellulite on my legs - that mission was accomplished a while ago:-) The other was that I was thinking about having kids at some point in the future, and I figured that if I were in really good shape it would A) make the pregnancy and birthing process much easier, and B) recovery would be much easier. It's ironic that all the exercising is now preventing me from even going down that road.

More girl stuff

[Copied from my first blog, A Nickel for My Thoughts]


So I just talked to my gynecologist today, and after all the tests she's done, she said that some of my hormones were on the low normal side, and that her diagnosis is hypothalamic amenorrhea. Probably induced by weight loss / too much exercise. Which is, I guess, what I suspected. But it sucks. I *like* exercising. I don't want to stop. I'm going to go and see a nutritionist to get a complete workup done, a real bodyfat test and all that. Also a reproductive endocrinologist.

Of course, since I talked to my doc I haven't gotten any work done, I've been researching this on the web and just faffing. No motivation. I did find out that the hormone leptin probably has something to do with all this - there's an article in the NEJM from September that basically says that supplementation with leptin, without any change in exercise / body weight, was able to correct the amenorrhea in some women... of course it was a tiny study (8 patients, 6 controls), so who knows what the real truth is. And one can take injections of gonadotropins to cause ovulation, for the purposes of getting pregnant... but there's a pretty good chance of multiples with that, which scares me. So I don't know where I want to go from here. Try eating a bit more and cutting out some exercise (I'd probably start by quitting volleyball and only going to hockey 2-3 times a week rather than 4-5)? Then comes the question of whether I'm willing to wait 6months + to get things back to normal. I'm usually pretty good with delayed gratification, but not when it interferes with my PLAN.

I've basically had my entire life planned out years in advance, and to this point everything has gone exactly as I've envisioned. In my head, I was going to graduate school, graduate in 5 years (missed the deadline to actually walk by 2 months, but defended my thesis a month before my five year anniversary at grad school), get a job, and after ~3 months, work on getting pregnant. I wanted to go off the pill back in Jan, given that my doc had said it could take up to three months for my cycle to get regular again. I didn't 'cause M- didn't want me to... much tougher to get a job while already pg. So I waited, and went off just before I defended. And so now of course I'm having all these issues. Super annoying.

I figured maybe if I wrote all this down and got it out of my system I'd be able to actually get some work done today. We'll see...

Memories

[Copied from my first blog, A Nickel for My Thoughts]

I'm finally back into watching movies on Netflix, after having taken about a three month hiatus. I keep telling myself that those months when I've watched 8-10 movies make up for the 0 movie months... but I know that the 0 movie months are what keeps the company in business. Anyway, not the point. The point was that I watched "Family Man" tonight, and it had a couple of references to 1987. That was the start of my freshman year of high school. At least I remember that. But what worries me is that I really don't remember that much else about it. A few of my high school friends and I were talking about those days a little while ago, and they were telling me stories (in which I was heavily involved) that I have absolutely no recollection of. One in which my best friend gave my a mylar balloon for my birthday, then we were sitting in AP US history class and one of the boys was throwing things at it and managed to pop it. Rings NO bells whatsoever. I can't remember what my schedule was, I don't remember a lot of my teachers... yet other people can rattle these things off as if it were just yesterday. So I've decided that this blog is a really good thing - it'll help me keep track of what's going on in my life, if nothing else.

I was in a car accident in December of '94. I had graduated in June of that year, and started teaching at a Catholic girl's school, still in Baltimore where I had been at JHU, and I decided to splurge and buy my first car. I had fallen in love with convertibles, and borrowed some money from my parents to buy a Miata. What a fun car! Got that in August of '94. In December, I was out on a Friday night, dropping a friend off at her Aunt's house, before heading home to a holiday party we were hosting. Never made it. It was raining, and as I was driving through an underpass, the road curved, but I apparently skidded and kept going straight. Into oncoming traffic. Totalled my car, the first car I hit, and did $5K worth of damage to a third car. Ended up in the hospital with a broken collar bone, stiches next to my eye (from the glass, I assume), and a wicked concussion. I'm pretty sure that if I hadn't been wearing my seatbelt I wouldn't have lived to tell the tale, based on the force from the seatbelt having broken my collar bone... Anyway, the whole point was that my memory hasn't been the same since. I actually went to see a neurologist a few weeks after the accident because I had become way more forgetful than I had been before, but he (she?) didn't find anything. So now I feel like I have big chunks of my life that are missing. So forgive me if I ramble on with tales from the past every now and then - I'm kinda hoping that if I write some of the stuff I'd like to remember down it'll help keep it from slipping away.

Girl trouble update - I'm now on estrogen, which will be followed by progesterone, in an attempt to actually get my period. Doc called yesterday and said that she had been talking with an endocrinologist in an attempt to figure out what might be wrong... she wants me to have an MRI of my head to rule out the possibility that some kind of growth might be causing it. She said not to worry as it's highly unlikely, so I'm trying to be calm about it.

What the bleep?

[Copied from my first blog, A Nickel for My Thoughts.  I love that this blog and the fertile thoughts thread DO make me feel like I'm contributing]

I just saw the movie "What the $#!% do we know" last night. One of my friends, with whom I had a conversation last week about my place in the world (based on the book 'the Bell Curve' which I'm in the middle of, also very thought provoking) called me up at the last minute to say he was going to see it and did I want to come along. Based on a quick read of the blurb, I thought it sounded interesting, and I've been looking for more spontaneity in my life, so what the heck.

Wow. Absolutely fantastic. The intersection of quantum physics, reality, spirituality... even though I don't necessarily believe everything they showed (i.e. thoughts changing the physical structure of ice crystals? Hard to buy...), it brought up so many major issues, twists on thinking about them and the like. One thing that really struck me was they mentioned that the American indians couldn't 'see' Columbus' ships when they first appeared on the horizon because they had never experienced a ship before, so their brains couldn't interpret what their eyes were seeing, therefore they didn't 'see' them. My initial response was that babies see and experience new things every day, in fact as we grow up we're constantly being exposed to new visual motifs... but then as I thought more about it I realized that while that may be true, we don't grow up in a vacuum - our parents are always there, passing on their own experience of the world, and because we trust them, they guide our interpretation of all these new realities. So not in fact a good test of the idea of us not being able to see things we haven't experienced before. I do wonder, if a baby were to grow up in a vacuum, without any human contact, what they would and would not be able to comprehend.

There was a fantastic quote at the beginning of the film, which totally struck a chord with me and I wanted to put it in here as 'my' quote... of course I can't remember it. Will have to go and see the movie again with pen and paper in hand. I'm jealous of people who seem to be able to remember a dozen quotes from a movie after seeing it once. Definitely not a talent I have. I think it's a boy thing ;-)

So much stuff floating around in my head at the moment. I'm beginning to feel like all this is helping me to come out of the funk I've been in recently where I've felt as if I don't really know why I'm doing what I'm doing. I enjoy it all, of course, but I often feel as if I should be contributing more, rather than spending all my free time on pleasurable yet fleeting pursuits. Hockey, for example - mucho fun, but not much point in the grand scheme of things. Nor is there much point, I suppose, to questioning the point, but I somehow feel more alive, more engaged, as I'm pondering...

Girl stuff

[Copied from my first blog, A Nickel for My Thoughts]

My girl troubles... had the ultrasound last Wednesday, everything was normal. It was totally cool to watch though. First she did my kidneys, then bladder and uterus, then ovaries. that was fascinating - you could see the egg follicles and everything! Also got blood test results back. All normal. *sigh*. I really thought that my estrogen levels would be low and that would explain everything. Guess it's back to the drawing board on that.

exercise log:
Weds 11/24 hockey practice 8-9am, scrimmage 5-7pm
Thurs 11/25 - thanksgiving!
Fri 11/26 hockey scrimmage 5-7
Sat 11/27 off day
Sun 11/28 hockey practice 1-3, vball practice 7-10
Mon 11/29 weightlifting
Tues 11/30 hockey pickup 6:45-7:45am
Weds 12/1 hockey practice 8-9am

Getting the doctor party started

[Copied from my first blog, A Nickel For My Thoughts]

*sigh* still no time (or is it motivation?) to write about my deep thoughts from Angels in America and 'the Bell Curve'. Still thinking about it...

In the meantime, exercise...

Weds 11/17 (I was bad!) pickup hockey 6:45-7:45am, hockey practice 8-9
Thurs 11/18 Off day
Fri 11/19 weight lifting
Sat 11/20 Hockey practice 5-7
Sun 11/21 Hockey game, 3:15-4:45. Hurt my shoulder, so didn't go to vball practice
Mon 11/22 Vball league playoff game 7:15-8. We lost. So got to go home early. I was glad because I didn't want to injure my shoulder, but at the same time I ate a ton of mini chocolate bars at work (600 cal worth!) so I kinda wanted a bit of exercise to work that off. Better to rest my shoulder.
Tues 11/23 Hockey pickup 6:45-7:45.

Went to see the doc about my lack of periods on Friday. She's doing some tests for hormone levels. We'll see. I'm also having an ultrasound because my uterus is 'a bit far on the right hand side'. Whatever that means. M- always teases me about being crooked (one of my ears is quite a bit higher than the other one, so my glasses have to be bent so they look straight on my face), I guess I'm more crooked than I thought! That's tomorrow afternoon...

Exercise log

So, I've been watching Angels in America over the last couple of days, and it's really made me think... stuff I want to write about. But I'm tired, and I managed to sign myself up for early morning hockey again tomorrow morning, so I'm going to have to save that for another entry.

So, I did end up going to lift on Friday 11/12. yay me :-)

Sat 11/13 hockey practice 5-7
Sun 11/14 hockey game 1-2:30, volleyball practice 6:45-9:30
Mon 11/15 wanted to lift, but couldn't get my butt out of bed, so off day...
Tues 11/16 hockey 6:45-7:45am, lifting 8-9

N.

Frustration

[Copied from my first blog, A Nickel for My Thoughts]

I had a really crappy day at work today. Three months (just about) into my new job, I suppose it's about time. Spent all day in completely useless meetings. Four hours of presentations by an outside vendor that I had already seen. Grrr... I don't mind being stuck in meeting so much when I feel like I'm learning something, but to waste my time like that? It really pisses me off. So I ended up leaving work early (yeah, at 5:20 - not really so early!) 'cause although I had a ton of stuff to do today I was just sitting there being pissed (after I got back from the meeting at 5pm) so I decided to come home and do fun things instead.

I'm a pissy driver when I'm frustrated. Not good. People who feel the need to come to a complete stop before making a right turn? Idiots! People who can't stay in their own lane? Morons. Those who drive below the speed limit up to a traffic light that's green, only to have it turn red before I get there (of course, THEY make it through!!!). Imbeciles! Usually I can take these things in stride, but when I'm already in a bad mood, forget it. So much worse. So I get home in a pissier mood than I was when I left. Tonight I could feel it happening and tried my best NOT to choose to be pissy... worked a bit. Not completely though.

I think I'm also getting a cold, which sucks.

And I've been eating GARBAGE over the past week or so. I decided that perhaps I'm not getting my period because I undereat / overexercise, so I thought I'd try not being quite as concerned about the calories I'm eating. Of course that translated almost immediately into buying chocolate and candy. And proceeding to eat it in vast quantities. I really don't know why - yes, it tastes good at the time, but afterwards - who even remembers? Except the scale, of course. ha. I have to get back to writing everything down. Not for losing weight, but just so I'm not eating all this crap.

I'm sad today. I don't know why. Maybe tired.

Weds 11/10 - walked 2 miles, hockey 11-12.
Thurs 11/11 - nothing!
Fri 11/12 - planning on lifting in the morning.
(I need to write this down beforehand so that when I get up tomorrow morning I don't tell myself I don't have to go. I started lifting two years ago, and I've been SO good about it, going almost religiously 2 times a week, up until this new job. Where I can no longer wander in at 10am. So now I have to drag myself out of bed at 6:30 to go and lift, and it's somehow much easier to talk myself out of it at that time rather than at 7:15.)

Anyway, enough rambling. TTFN.

Overexercise?

[Copied from my first blog, A Nickel for My Thoughts]

So I'm thinking about starting a family, have been off the pill since July without getting my period. Funny how things like that happen - we spend so much of our young lives trying not to get pregnant, and then when you want to, you find out all the precautions were for nothing. ha. joke's on you!

Anyway, I've been wondering if I'm not getting my period 'cause I'm exercising too much. I keep telling myself that I'm not, but I get talked into things / sign up for things because they sound like they'll be fun... and next thing I know, I'm overdoing it! So I'm going to try keeping track of what I'm really doing, so I can figure out how to control myself.

The whole journaling thing really helped me lose weight back in May - perhaps being more concious of the exercise I'm doing will help me to cut down on that as well. If I really find that I need to. We'll see what the doc says in a week or so....

Last week's exercise:

Saturday 10/30 - volleyball tournament all day (9-6)
Sunday 10/31 - hockey game 4:50-6:00
Monday 11/1 - weight lifting, volleyball 7-8:45
Tuesday 11/2 - off day (skipped hockey pickup)
Wednesday 11/3 - hockey practice 8-9am, 7-8:45pm
Thursday 11/4 - off day?
Friday 11/5 - hockey game 7:30-9:00
Sat 11/6 - hockey game, 5-6:30
Sun 11/7 - hockey practice 1-2:45, volleyball practice 7:30-10
Mon 11/8 - volleyball league 8:45-10:15
Tues 11/9 - hockey pickup 6:45-7:40, hockey game 7:30-8:45

Any thoughts?

Descending into Eating Disorders

[Copied from my first blog, A Nickel for My Thoughts]

I understand now how easy it is to fall unsuspectingly into an eating disorder. So I mentioned that I lost 12 pounds in 2 weeks? It was so easy for me. I simply cut my calories down to 1500 a day, and what with all the exercising I do, the weight just dropped off. So now I fit into clothes I wore in college again, and in fact weigh less than I have since I started college. But yet I still manage to look at myself and think that I need to lose more weight. I look down at my thighs and see these big fat sausages. I want more definition in my arms, I want a six-pack... I've stopped counting what I'm eating on the weekends though because I really don't think it's healthy for me to lose more weight, but it's so hard to actually look at myself and be satisified with what I see. Why is it that I can be so happy with everything else in my life - my wonderful husband, great job, incredible family - and yet I still feel like I need to be thinner?

Queen of Procrastination

[Copied from my first blog, A Nickel for my Thoughts]

This is my first blog entry, after having read others for a few months. I've mostly been reading weight loss / fitness blogs, starting with Alicia's which I got into after dropping 12 pounds in two weeks and starting to feel some of the symptoms of semi-starvation (insomnia being the major one for me). This is probably going to end up being more rambles (hence the blog title) than anything else although my major hobbies right now are all fitness related so I'll talk a lot about that.

A little about me: My name is Nico, I just finished my PhD in biology and started a totally kick-ass job at a biotechnology company. I absolutely love my job. Of course, if you don't love your job after 6 days, you might have a problem! Anyway, as far as fitness goes, I play ice hockey, volleyball, golf, bike and lift weights. At the moment I really *should* be working on revising my thesis, which is due on September 7th, but am I? NO! I don't want to!!!! So instead I'm writing emails, and starting on a blog. So to the voices in my head telling me that the revisions will be much less painful if I don't leave them until the last minute, I say "ha! I can outlast you for at least a few more days!".

Why is it that the hardest part of any project is getting started? Why is it that I *know* that, and yet still can't convince myself to do it? I had the same problem actually writing the damn thesis, although it wasn't quite this bad. It's funny - I have so much willpower that I can apply to what I eat and to exercising, (perhaps because I enjoy the feelings of control I get from that), and yet none to apply to this task. Maybe we each have a finite supply of willpower - if you apply it in one area of your life, that leaves other areas lacking. Food for thought.

Anyway (one of my favorite words, as you'll quickly see), if I'm not going to work on my thesis I should at least go to bed. TTFN.