Windfall!

Insurance is a pain in the tuckus (or however you spell that).

When we first were told, in January, that we would need IF treatment, the financial coordinator at the clinic called my current (henceforth known as primary) insurance (from M's company, based in CA), and said that they would cover only testing and diagnosis, not IF treatment. She then told us how much the various components of an IUI cycle would cost - about $1K for the drugs, ~$333 for the ultrasounds, and $461 for the IUI itself.

Since we live in the great state of MA, where infertility coverage is mandated (if you have in-state insurance), I looked around to get a supplemental policy, and found one for $300 a month. It would cover 80% of the treatment costs, not including the drugs. With that in place, each cycle would end up costing us only about 50% of the quoted price (FC suggested it would probably be around $2500/cycle, ended up being closer to $4K), so I thought it was a good plan.

After that was all squared away, I called and ordered the medications, and put the first lot through the insurance - figured you never know, they might cover it, right? A few days later, heard back from the pharmacy that the coverage was denied. So rather than be a pain for the pharmacy, I paid for the drugs for the rest of my cycles myself.

Then we started getting the explanation of benefits (EOB) from the supplemental insurance, I was really glad I'd done it - the coordinator neglected to tell me about the costs for the blood tests, which actually were higher than the ultrasound cost (which totally surprised me - $364 for an e2 test?). So all in all, this extra insurance ended up cutting my cost per cycle by just about 50%, what I had estimated.

Then yesterday I got an EOB from my primary insurance. You could have bowled me over with a feather - they listed about eight of the e2 blood tests, and covered everything that the supplemental insurance hadn't covered, i.e. the 20% I had thought I would have to pay. Score!

After that, I went and looked at their website, where you can see claims, and if they've been processed, how much they've paid out.

Well. Turns out that they covered all of the 20% that the supplemental insurance didn't cover.

AND.

Are you ready for this?

They also PAID FOR THE DRUGS!!!!

For the first cycle, that was submitted to them (I have no idea why the pharmacy told me it was denied). HUGE score. So now I'm going to submit the receipts for the drugs for the other cycles, and hopefully get reimbursed for those as well. Woo-hoo!

But, had I not had the supplementary insurance, my primary insurance would apparently have covered all the blood tests and ultrasounds - the only thing they wouldn't cover is the actual insemination. So I'm super pissed at the financial coordinator from my clinic now. If she'd actually done her job, and asked about the individual components of my primary insurance coverage, they should have told her that the bloodwork and scans would be covered. So we actually ended up spending more money on the supplementary insurance than we would have if I hadn't gone to the trouble of getting it. You can bet I'm going to make a stinky about it.

But I can't be that pissed, because we just got a $7K windfall!!!

Hopeful, peaceful, resigned.

It's done. The castle was stormed, Ovidrel was injected (at a traffic light on my way to the gym), 3.3 and 9.8 million sperm were lovingly placed in my receptive uterus. ;-p

I'm happy. I feel like we really have given this route our best shot. Now we wait and see. And if this doesn't work, IVF in January. It's not so far away.

We have a plan!

And I'm actually happy with it. Who woulda thunk?

I'm to take the Ovidrel shot tomorrow morning at 7am, then we'll do two IUIs, Friday morning (24 hours post Ovidrel) and Saturday (48 hours post).

So by then my two 14's (or 14 and 12) should be at 16-18mm, and my lining has had a little longer to plump up. Somehow the extra 12 hours before triggering makes me feel so much better.

Now, my question is whether to storm the castle tonight? They say the man needs to 'prepare himself' 2-3 days beforehand for the best sample. We were thinking the IUI would be tomorrow morning, so the monkey was duly spanked on Monday night (M was away, so I couldn't help). But now that's 3.5 days before. I think it's better to go shorter (storm the castle tonight, so 1.5 days before) rather than have an older sample. What do you think?

Advice needed!

u/s this morning showed lining at 6.5mm, follicles at 14, 12, 10, 9 plus a bunch of little ones. e2 of 247. They told me to do the same Repronex shot tonight (1.5 vials), and Ovidrel tomorrow night.

This is almost certainly our last IUI before going to IVF (M is away for the critical week in November).

My previous cycles my biggest follicle was at 16, 15 and 15 mm when I was told to do one more shot then the Ovidrel. So with my biggest one only at 14 this time, I feel like I'll only get one mature egg - and given that previous cycles have not worked with more than that, I don't think this is optimizing our chances. Especially with my lining only at 6.5.

I did call the nurse back and ask about waiting one more day (and had to struggle not to bawl right then and there on the phone), but haven't heard back yet. Am I being stupid? Should I push for another day, or just go with what they're telling me and chill out?

Updated: Just spoke with the nurse again. She says I have two 14mm follicles and two 10's. So the 14's should be "good to go tomorrow". So why was it that this morning Dr. Handsome (yes, him again) said a 14 and a 12? ARGH! I suppose maybe they looked at the films again and remeasured?

I guess all I can do is chill. And hope. With maybe a prayer or two thrown in there for good measure.

moving forward?

e2 on Saturday of 105. Positive sign?

The ultrasound was a complete waste of time. Dr Handsome did it - I was so happy with our interaction with him when he did our IUI a few months ago, but this time really sucked. First of all, he didn't really bother to measure the size of my follicles, just kinda guesstimated. Then he started going on to me about how I shouldn't worry, they were just trying to get me going slowly... you know, giving me a low dose of meds like sprinkling salt... - at that point he totally lost me. I don't know what he was trying to get at with the salt metaphor, and I don't remember exactly what he said - apparently I was already so angry that I've blanked it out. I hate being treated like an idiot. Never mind that I'm on my FOURTH cycle, and probably have some clue what's going on, even without my PhD. And, I WASN'T worried.

And then on his way out, he said to M, "Nice to meet you. I don't think we've met before". For the record, he's met M at least twice now. You'd think at least he'd say something that could be taken either way, like "Nice to see you", instead of blatantly admitting that he has the memory of a slug.

Anyway, I'm sticking with the 1.5 vials of Repronex for the moment, and another u/s on Tuesday morning. I've definitely come to like and trust the two female doctors and the male resident much better than the two male docs in the practice. Assholes.

I *really* should know better

You would think, given that I had pretty much the exact same reaction as I did on Monday to my first u/s from my second cycle, where I ended up taking injections for NINETEEN days, that I would have been a little more suspicious with Monday's results. But no, I was already planning for a 13mm and a couple of 11's today, and IUI over the weekend. Ha. Hahahahaha. Oooohhh, I kill myself!

Lining today: 3mm. A bunch of follicles between 5 and 8 mm. I.E. my optimism from Monday was completely foolish.

Not that I don't think I'll respond eventually. I'm pretty sure I will. It's just yet another step in this whole process that's not going as I had hoped. Yesterday I was thinking that I was going to have SO much medication left over after this, and what I would do with it... Silly. Just silly.

Updated 3pm: e2 level from this morning? 23. So much for the 69 on Monday being a good sign!

IUI #4, here we come...

Started my injections last Thursday. Expecting the usual (i.e. nothing) on my CD7 scan this morning. Pleasantly surprised to see my lining already at 4mm (normal for me on CD7 is 2mm), and three obvious follicles at 9,7 and 7. And the kicker? My e2 at 69 already! This is by far the best I've responded to the injections to date. Take that, hypothalamic amenorrhea. IN YOUR FACE.

And on top of that, it was MY doc, Conveyor, who did my u/s this morning. So I took the opportunity to ask if we could do two IUIs, since this is very probably our last shot before IVFland, to give us the best chance. I was totally prepared to have to argue, given that Dr. Business had been so brusque about saying no to that idea in my last cycle. She said 'absolutely'. No argument whatsoever. I was totally taken aback. And Hopeful...

Of course, all this Hope makes it that much worse if it doesn't work. But maybe, just maybe, it will.

East / West differences

Some things I've noticed out here in the pacific northwest that have made me smile / comment:

1. Fines in Seattle: $101 for blocking an intersection or not wearing a seatbelt. Not $100, but $101 - what's up with that?

2. Fines in Seattle: $46 for jaywalking. And apparently it is enforced, because *no-one* walks against the light. For a Bostonian, that is just bizarre!

3. People out here drive like snails. If the speed limit is 60, most people are actually doing less than that. Again, for an east coaster used to doing 80 no matter what the limit is (at least on the highways), totally weird. And we did get a speeding ticket ;-)

4. Sign on a Vancouver bus: "Out of service - sorry!". Sorry? That boggled my mind!

5. On my initial look at Vancouver it seemed like a really old city to me. Then I realized it's because all the tall buildings (office and residential) have frames on every window pane. Makes the buildings look really different from the more smooth glass / no frames I'm used to from the east.

6. Best reason for going to Canada - tomato sauce (ketchup) potato chips, Aero bars, Smarties and Cadbury's mint crisp. All junk food I grew up with in South Africa, can't get in the states. YUM!

7. It's not nearly as green out here as I expected. Especially on our drive south of Portland to my aunt and uncle's house, everything just looked parched. And I understand now why New England is known for the fall colors - the trees have changed colors here, but there's hardly any red (maples and oaks), which is what really makes it stunning. I always wondered why the trees didn't change color in the fall in other parts of the country ;-)

A-OK

Cysts are all gone. Around 20 antral follicles. So I'm cleared to start injections next week.

It was kind of funny - after she saw me, the doc spent about 5 minutes figuring out when I should stop the pill, when I should start the injections - and came up with exactly the same plan as I had. There's nothing to it ;-)

I'm looking forward to getting to try again. And to my VACATION!

Togged-n-stuff...

I like blog tags. Fun. Sassy togged me with a neat assignment:

THE RULES:
1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five people to do the same.

My 23rd post was "good news (no, not *that* good)", and the fifth sentence was "The doc offered to do an ultrasound to check out how my ovaries were doing - I actually have a follicle at 14mm!!! ". Kinda boring. Oh well. I was discussing finding that I had managed to make a follicle all on my own, after going on vacation and meeting the crimson bitch for the first time since going off bcp. Turned out the follicle wasn't growing at all, so here we are with OI.

It couldn't have been something fun like the 3rd sentence from my 20th post, which was "I just spent the afternoon sunbathing on the balcony of our hotel room (yes, topless - very liberating!), sipping champagne and admiring our gorgeous view." Now that's a sentence worth repeating!

I'm gonna tag Molly, Elle, Em (yes, Em, Sassy and I are tag-teaming you), Megan, and Susan. Nothing bad will happen if you don't want to do it (I hate those chain mails that say 'if you don't do this the rest of your life will be ruined. Ruined, I tell you'). And if you haven't been tagged and want to play anyway, do join in!

In other news (thanks for asking, E&S), after playing lots of voice mail tag with the nurse, I have my u/s to check for cysts scheduled for Friday, according to my genius plan. I'm a little nervous about it because I have been feeling twinges around where I imagine my ovaries to be, but I'm telling myself that's the little buggers popping. Fingers crossed.

Help!

Elle could really use some advice, and all the good blog loving we can muster for her. Please send positive thoughts and comments her way.

Updated 9/19: Crisis averted. Yay!

I'm a genius!

Per Dr. Conveyor's orders, I'm on bcp for three weeks. The day after that ends, we head to the northwest for my cousin's wedding followed by a week checking out Portland, Vancouver and Seattle. (Any suggestions for cool things to do there welcomed!). I had mentioned this little trip to Conveyor, and she said for me just to take the bcp for an extra week, then come in afterwards to check for cysts to see if we can start the next cycle.

So I had been trying to figure out what day to stop taking the bcp so that I would be on CD3 the day after we got back. Then wondering if stopping the bcp while away would jinx me and I'd still be stuck with the little cyst bugger. Dilemma, dilemma.

Then I had an epiphany. Go in for the cyst check before I leave, if no cysts, I would know that I was okay to stop the pill and have CD3 the day I got back. Then another whack over the head with the clever stick - there's no reason I can't start the injections while I'm away - I just have to be back for CD7 when they do the first u/s.

will check with the clinic tomorrow, but I could be starting my next cycle a week earlier than I was expecting. Woo-hoo! (I know, I know, it's only a week, but I'd like to have the IUI done by the time my sis delivers - due on 10/18).

Self medication

I spent the evening in the company of my eight month pregnant on her first try sister, the two year old daughter of a friend who apparently had no idea how babies are made because she sure wasn't trying to get pregnant, celebrating the one year birthday of the daughter of another friend who got pregnant within a month of her wedding.

Then I came home and drowned myself in cake, chocolate, and Barren Mare's archives.

I am so glad I found y'all. I don't know what I would do without you.

Togged again...

A while back, I was blog tagged by Molly to write about what I'd be if I weren't myself. Fun assignment! I dutifully togged a couple of other folks, including Ova Girl. Ova Girl wrote a delightful response, and in the process, tagged me back. I have been completely and utterly remiss in answering, although I never forgot about it. Now that I'm just wasting away on bcp (actually, doing whatever the opposite of wasting is), and have nothing relevant to say, I figured I'd finally complete my assignment, which was to answer some questions about books:

1) Total number of books I’ve owned:

That’s a tough question. At the moment, I probably have around 100 in my house, coz it’s little and we don’t have that much space for bookshelves. Plus we’re eventually going to move into a bigger house, and books are heavy! Over my lifetime, I’d probably say around 500? I was such a nerd as a kid I actually used to spend my allowance to buy books, as well as taking them out of the library. As a youngster my favorite books were all the British series about kids at boarding school – Mallory Towers was one of them, I can’t remember the names of the others (if you know, please do remind me!). Also Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys. What fun! After we moved to the US, my two fav series were the sweet valley high books, partly because they gave me a glimpse of the life of the cool kids I’d never be(en) privy to, and the Xanth series by Piers Anthony. Lots of magic and nifty stuff like that.

2)Last book I bought:

Harry Potter. But that’s boring. So I’ll tell you about the book previous to that – Don Quixote by Cervantes. Why, you ask? Well, I truly feel that my literary education was lacking. I went to an excellent high school which provided a much more college-like education than your typical secondary school, in the sense that there were only a few core classes one was required to take, then the remainder were electives. You had to take four years of English, three of math, three of science (or something like that), but there were a lot of different choices in each of those fields. So I chose classes like Shakespeare, Irish literature, Contemporary literature… where I read a lot of good books, but never the classics. No Charles Dickens, no Emily Bronte, none of the books that are referred to in so many different contexts. And I’ve regretted it ever since. A few months ago I came across the book “A Well Educated mind”. Exactly what I was looking for – a road map, teaching me first about the genesis of the contemporary novel and tracing its evolution, and second, how to really read a book to discover what the author is really trying to say, rather than just reading superficially for the story, which is my usual modus operandi. The first book recommended for this literary self-education was Don Quixote. I bought it on our trip to South Africa in Feb/Mar, finally finding it after looking in about ten different bookstores. Of course now I’m only on about pg. 50. But I do eventually intend to read it.

3)Last book I read:

Gunpowder Empire by Harry Turtledove. Quick read, amusing story, but not a work of art by any means.

4)5 books that mean a lot to me.

Mean a lot to me? I’m not quite sure how to take that. So I’ll just tell you about my all time favorites. Lord of the Rings. Tried to read it for the first time when I was twelve. Didn’t make it. Finally got through on my third try at fifteen, and have probably re-read the trilogy four or fives times since then. Ender’s Game (and the rest of the series, but EG is by far the best) by Orson Scott Card. Fantastic story. If you like sci-fi/fantasy and haven’t already read it, it’s a must. Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. M had been after me to read it for a while, to try and explain some of his libertarian viewpoints to me, a bleeding heart liberal. Extremely thought provoking. That’s all I can come up with at the moment.

Despite my firm conviction from the time my e2 dropped precipitously through my negative HPTs, that there was no chance that I was pregnant after my IUI, it still hit me like a ton of bricks when that result was confirmed. Unfortunately, failure has been a common thread amongst IUIers over the past month, with similar ensuing devastation (okay, devastation may be going a bit too far). Even though we do our best not to get our hopes up, somehow it seems impossible not to. The everlasting resilence of the human spirit. Or something.

I realized mid last week that there were two reasons this failure hit me so hard. First, although I wasn't expecting to get pregnant right away, I had been imagining that at this point I'd have been trying for six months, which is the amount of time it takes regular folk fertile myrtyles your average crack whore to get pregnant, so it was pretty reasonable for me to expect to be at this point. Not counting on cysts or dim-witted doctors or mutant sperm or the natural cussedness of the universe, of course.

Second, I'd started giving up. Baby-making the regular way went out the window a long time ago, when my stupid body forgot how to ovulate. Step one down. No Clomid for me - stupid body doesn't know how to make estrogen. Step two out of the way. So now I'm on step three (gonadotropins), and after three failures here, people usually move on to IVF. So I'm at the end of that road. With three out of four steps down the tubes (yes, pun intended. Bad one, I know.) I was already giving up on success with IVF. And after IVF there was nothing, because M had said that he did not want to pursue any other options, such as surrogacy or adoption.

Once I realized that I was feeling so incredibly sad because I was envisioning a future without any child(ren) at all, I decided I should talk to M about it. He'd been really worried about me, and kept asking if there was anything he could do to make me feel better. So rather than continuing down the bleak road I was on, I told him what I was thinking. He still thinks I'm being way overly dramatic and that we still have a lot of options to try, but did say that he would be willing to consider other paths if ART doesn't work for us. Which gave me back the future I'd imagined.

So I'm still a bit sad from time to time, I hate that I'm back on bcp again (especially because I've gained three pounds in as many days although definitely not eating nearly enough food to do that), but overall I've regained a sense of hope for the future. We're going to try another IUI or two, then if those don't work, IVF in January when my insurance will cover it. (Notice I said if, not when the IUI's don't work... trying for a bit of optimism!)

Fuck

Fuck fuck fuck. Fuck. FUCK! CD3 baseline u/s this morning. HUGE motherfucking cyst on my left ovary, 35x37mm. On BCP for the next four weeks (three weeks + one extra for vacation).

My sister is due 10/18. I really thought I'd be pregnant before she delivered. Fuck.

It's all over.....

Yeah, when you get a negative hpt 18dpi, you can be pretty much assured that you are not, in fact, pregnant. I think it does show that the pussaries are doing their job though!

The judicious use of pee sticks did help me keep hope in check, so I'm really alright at this point. Just wanna get on with our next try.

Thanks for all your hope and kind thoughts, very much appreciated.

Going nuts

Okay, now I'm 17 dpi (18 dpOvidrel, when CB showed last time) and no sign of the Bitch. However, P-stick this morning was the same lovely shade of stark white. And my temps have been steadily declining, from 98.4 this past weekend to 97.7 today. WTF???

The H-bitch is trying to come out again...

Get back in your hole, bitch!

And Hope was beaten into submission by the stark whiteness that was the space where a second line should be.

I needed to put her back in her place. It hurts less if you don't even let yourself dream.

12 dpi

After the IUI and my complete lack of symptoms, I was 99.99% convinced that this hadn't worked. And I was okay with that. I got my tears and my rage out on the day of the IUI. But then people said that 2ww symptoms don't mean anything, and the bitch hope started creeping out of her hole again. I think I'm going to POAS tomorrow (12dpi) just to put her back in her place.

Random musings

One thing I did find out when I saw the nurse on Tuesday was my e2 levels. 106 on day 7, 271 on day 10, 348 on day 11 (that's when they decided to drop the meds) and then 52 on day 13. I really don't understand why they decided to drop based on the 348. That doesn't seem high to me at all! I have an appointment with MY doc on 8/25, two days after CB should be in town, and I will definitely be asking her these questions before we start the next (and final IUI) cycle.

I have a wicked bad case of hamster head (yes, I did grow up in Mass.) I figured since I felt pretty much the same symptoms after both my previous IUIs (sore boobs, frequent pees, constipation), and I wasn't pg, that they were due to the hcg shot. So I was fully prepared to feel the same things this time, and to not even imagine I might be pg based on those unless they lasted longer than 12dpi.

Well, wouldn't you know, this time I feel nothing. NONE of those. So obviously it wasn't the hcg shot. Does that mean that both of the previous IUIs we did manage to conceive an embryo, but it just didn't implant? (Does that make me a murderer in the eyes of the Bush anti-abortionites? And if not, why is using an embryo for stem cell research murder?) What does THAT mean for the success of a possible future IVF? I supposed with our poor morphology (<4% normal), it could just be abnormalities that don't allow the embryo to live and that with IVF we could pick a good embryo that would manage to implant. Or not.

If you've had an hcg shot, have you felt pg symptoms?

I've also been reading The Beauty Myth, on the recommendation of a friend. I've only read a couple of chapters, and it's already making me think twice about people I see on TV etc. It's so ingrained that women have to be beautiful and attractive to look at in order to make what they say worthwhile, where with men looks really don't matter. There are some really ugly men out there who are high up in corporations, in the media, in sports - we totally take them seriously. Yet when there's a less than attractive woman, that's the first thing that we pay attention to. Not what she has to say, whether she's making a good point - it's all about 'wow, that's a hideous outfit' or 'my god, she's way too thin', 'would you look at the honker on her!', or, 'man, what did she do to her hair?'. I just think about how many times I've said that or thought that about a female, compared to how often the same thoughts have crossed my mind about a male, and it really makes me sick. It's so insidious and pervasive.

I skipped a few chapters and read the one entitled 'Hunger'. It talks about how a large percentage of women in our society basically live their lives in a state of semi-starvation. It mentions 1600 calories as a subsistence diet in poor countries where people can't afford more. Yet so many of the diet programs ask us to live on much less than that. When I lost weight last year I was eating 1500 calories a day, as well as 5-600 cal worth of exercise. No wonder I dropped 12 pounds in two weeks! I was totally starving myself. The book also talks about studies that have shown that that kind of semi-starvation can absolutely affect cognitive abilities. In other words, we're keeping ourselves down by starving our bodies and brains, to reach some 'ideal' weight. That's frightening. Yet it's also amazingly difficult to let go of the desire to attain that ideal.

And then I think about having a daughter, and how on earth to avoid putting those pressures on her?

Fallout

I had a really crappy day yesterday. Bookended by people telling me that I need to "just relax". HA! (Sorry, this is really long and rambly, I have lots of things to get off my chest).

Woke up, took my temperature. It was 97.7 on Monday, 97.5 yesterday. I.E. not up at all. ARGH! So I decided to go into the clinic and have them take my blood to check my progesterone level which they had done for me in my first cycle to find out if I ovulated or not. Doesn't help that I had a nasty dream where I was a medical miracle - the first person every to conceive inside her ovary, because my follicles didn't burst but somehow the sperm managed to get in there anyway.

I tried to call ahead to the clinic so they could have the forms ready for me when I arrived, but they never actually let you speak to a real person so I left a voice mail for the nurse, but just went in anyway. When I got there they were completely confused as to what to do. The receptionist said he would get the paperwork done for me, but then sat there at the desk for another fifteen minutes, doing heaven knows what, and ignoring me. Then the phlebotomist left. I tried to stop her, saying I needed to get my blood drawn, but Mr. Receptionist said I'd have to go to a different floor. okay. Tears start.

(I have never ever been this emotionally fragile in my whole life!)

After another ten minutes or so, the nurse calls me into the back. She starts telling me, "Oh, we don't need to draw blood until sixteen days after your IUI, if you haven't gotten your period". I try to explain to her that I want to know if I ovulated or not. She asks me what we would do if I haven't - answer is nothing. I just want to KNOW. More tears.

She was really sweet, gave me a hug, and took me into the back room to look at my records with me. She spent over half an hour talking to me, which honestly, was what I needed. That's something I've really missed - it would be really great to have a half hour appointment set up in the middle of the cycle just to talk about how things are going, and what the plans are. I hate being in the dark and not understanding what's being done and why. She told me that I need to just be a patient, and let the doctors be the doctors. She does have a point. BUT it's really hard to do that when I feel like the doctors fucked up. Then she segued into telling me that I really need to relax, and give this a chance to work. HAHAHAHAHA. She did mean it in the nicest possible way, but still.

And I also found out that MY doctor is on vacation. Which is why Dr. Business was making decisions about my treatment. I wish I had known that!

Mom and sis came over last night for dinner. More of Mom fussing over sis and basically ignoring me.

Then just before bed I was telling M about what had happened in the morning, and he too told me that I just need to relax. I know that it's really hard for him to see me so sad like this, and he keeps saying that he wants to help and that I should talk to him, but I just don't know what to say. I can't explain why I'm so upset. Except to you guys who understand all too well.

So I went to bed totally depressed, yet more tears.

I woke up this morning having had another dream - I was in the hospital, and delivered a beautiful baby girl. She was lying on my stomach, I was teaching her to feed, and telling her how much I loved her and that everything would be okay.

Maybe it will be. Maybe I do need to stop worrying so much.

IUI#3

Of the four doctors at the clinic I go to (well, if you include the resident, 'baby doc' it's five), I like Dr. Business the least. He's exactly that - all business. No friendly chit chat, just in and out. Literally and figuratively.

I'm pretty sure, based on the nurse saying after Thursday's scan "Dr. Business will look at your blood results and we'll call you back in the afternoon", that it was he who decided to drop my dosage.

So of course, he was the one doing my IUI yesterday. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. No joking around like with Dr. Handsome the last time, it felt very cold and impersonal. M managed to ask "Is it worth it to do another IUI tomorrow given that we just took the trigger shot last night" as he was on the way out the door - Dr. Business said no, as I had already started to ovulate. And that was that. Away he went. No discussion, no 'if it will make you feel better we can', nothing.

I burst into tears as soon as he left. I had such high hopes for this cycle, it really did seem to be going absolutely perfectly. And then to have him treat me like that, be so absolutely compassionate-less, just put the shit icing on the shit cake.

I know that it's still possible that this worked, but I am not holding my breath.

And I'm definitely going to ask to see my entire record before the next cycle because I want to know exactly what happened with this one, and why they made the decisions they did. One thing that I didn't pay much mind to when it happened was that at two of my ultrasounds, they asked me to confirm the meds I was taking - "Gonal-F, lupron" and one other thing. Both times I said "Um, no, I'm just taking Repronex". They said it was just a computer error. But that makes me wonder now - what exactly were they looking at when they decided to lower my dosage???

(Oh, and BTW - I was playing golf on Saturday when I took the call about my instructions for the night. I was on pace to shoot well under 100, which I have never done before (47 on the front nine). After I got the call I was so pissed off I totally fell apart and ended up shooting a 102. That'll teach me to use my cellphone on the golf course!!!)

Too good to be true.

I thought I was having a picture perfect, textbook cycle. And I was. Right up until they told me to decrease my dosage. Went in again this morning, and my follicles were pretty much the same size as they were on Thursday, as was my lining (up to 7mm today). Afternoon call said that I might already be ovulating because my estradiol had dropped (yeah, no shit dumbasses - what the hell do you think happens when you decrease the meds by 67%????). So I'm supposed to do the trigger shot tonight, and then go in for an IUI tomorrow (instead of the usual 36 hours, which would be Monday).

I am really really angry. With them AND with myself. I feel like I should have questioned what they were doing more - I've read too many stories of people's dosage being dropped and things getting fucked up.

Has anyone had their dosage dropped and NOT had a subsequent problem?

I think I'm going to demand an IUI on Monday as well. Hopefully cover more bases. But if everything has stalled (as it seems to have) and I don't end up with any mature eggs, it doesn't matter how much damn sperm is in there.

Fuck. And I will say that for Thalia too. And a big triple fuck you, universe, up yours, you scum sucking asswipe, for Megan.

It's always something.

Not bad news, per se. But always something to fret about.

Latest u/s showed three dominant follicles, 2 at 14mm and one at 12. Dr. Sweet said we'd probably trigger on Sat and IUI on Mon (looks like we're going to be just a few hours apart, T). I also found out that yesterday's e2 was 271.

Then this afternoon the nurse called and told me to drop my dose down to HALF a vial and that I should come in again on Sat. Of course I yet again forgot to ask about my e2. The nurse who normally calls me just tells me, this one who's covering for her on vacation needs to be asked. And I can never remember to do that!.

I don't know why they're dropping my dosage so much when they haven't done that for the previous cycles. And of course I forget to ask that as well. Why is it that when the nurse calls I'm so flipping nervous or something that I can't remember any of the very relevant questions that I want to ask? And then I call back and have to leave a message and they hardly ever get back to me until the next day. Anyone else with the same missing brain syndrome?

So instead of 1/2 vial, I did 2/3. Screw 'em.

Continued good news... (Please, let's keep it coming!)

Lining 6.5mm, two follicles on the right at 13mm, one 13mm and one 12mm on the left. I've never actually had follicles grow on the left side before, so I feel like that's a good sign. I forgot to ask what my e2 was, but it must have shot up quite a bit because they told me to drop my dose for tonight from 1.5 down to 1 vial, and come in for another u/s tomorrow morning. Which is going to be interesting because I will have to squeeze it in between ice hockey (6:30-7:30) and my acupuncture appointment at 8:30. I'm thinking I'm going to have to leave hockey early so I can shower and make the 7:45 u/s appointment. And I'll probably be late for the acupuncture.

They haven't said anything yet, but I'm guessing I'll trigger on Friday and do the IUI on Sunday. I was worried last cycle with 3-4 follicles about multiples (hahahahahaahaha. hahahahah. Oh, I do crack myself up!). No worries this time. Bring on the follies!

I really can't believe how quickly this is happening. Responding 'normally' to these drugs is such a nice change!

In which cycle #3 actually goes somewhere!!!

I'm almost in shock. Had my CD7 u/s today, after four nights of Repronex, and had three decent size (9,10,11mm) follicles. And my lining was at 5mm, which is way thicker than at this point in either of my previous two cycles. I was not getting my hopes up though, after the disappointment of my last cycle (taking twenty, yes, two-zero days to stim) after what I thought was a relatively good CD7 u/s.

But, got the call this afternoon to say that my e2 is already over 100! Woo-hoo!

So I really do think that it took me so long last cycle because of the lingering effects of the bcp. (Or maybe my head is on a little straighter this time?)

Again, don't want to get my hopes too far up, but this may mean we can even do our next IUI as early as this weekend instead of mid-August. *grin*

And cycle #3 begins. and other thoughts.

U/s this morning. Not fantastic, but not nearly as bad as my cancelled cycle (3 26-27mm cysts). One 16mm cyst on my right ovary + a couple of smaller ones, and a few on the left. Baby Doc (new kid, doing his residency at my clinic) had them draw blood to check my e2 level, and as that was not still high I got to start my injections again tonight. Woo-hoo!

I also had an intake appointment with an accupuncturist today. I figure it can't hurt, right? We went through a very long Q&A session, then she treated me for about half an hour. She also said she'd want to see me right before and right after my next IUI. I'm gonna keep hoping...

While I was waiting for her I was reading a woman's health book that was in the waiting room. There were a couple of sections on amenorrhea. Also food for thought. It mentioned that a lot of women with amenorrhea have deep seated fears of being female or looking too female, that can come from childhood traumas and repressed memories, as well as the body images that are portrayed by the media.

I've always thought that I'm not affected by the supermodels, actresses etc - you know, I'm too strong to be swayed by those images. I know who I am and what I want and I just like the way I look and feel when I'm thin. But one thing that's really stuck with me is I distinctly remember watching Star W@rs "@ttack of the Cl0nes", the battle scene at the end where Nata1ie P0rtman is up on top of the pole and thinking how incredible her abs looked and how much I wanted to look like that. So I lost 15 pounds and did look like that. For a little while anyway. But obviously I'm totally fooling myself that I'm not affected by the images of thin-ness in the media, and the much more child-like body type that is the ideal. I've been completely hating the way I look and feel recently, none of my pants fit anymore, I don't like what I see in the mirror... but I realize that really my body just looks more womanly and less like a teenage girl, and that is NOT a bad thing. I am NOT a teenage girl anymore, so why do I feel the need to look like one? I need to be okay with that. I have to suck it up, go out and buy some new clothes so I don't feel constricted, so that I don't look like my clothes don't fit, and that will probably help.

On the other issue, childhood memories, I was abused in my early teen years. Not seriously, I wasn't raped, but enough that I had intimacy issues for a long time, and it caused some serious strain with my college boyfriend.

This guy, a friend of a family friend, had recently lost his job and needed a place to stay for a little while. We were going back to South Africa to visit our family there over the Christmas holidays, so my parents asked him to house-sit for us. When we got back from our trip, he still didn't have a place to go, so my parents let him stay with us for a while until he got back on his feet. I think they just didn't feel right about kicking him out, they were definitely way too nice. He ended up living in our spare bedroom for over two years!

He was a real wierdo. He used to wear either a towel or a tee-shirt wrapped around his head pretty much all the time because he didn't like his hair. He never had a job, he would go around and look after various people's houses while they were away, but that was about it. He was totally into playing the lottery and doing all those stupid promotions that the radio stations ran. There was one that happened every year, the station would mail 'tickets' to people's houses, and if your number was called you won a prize. He would go to the post office and dig through the trash to collect as many as he could. We did actually win a video camera one year from him doing that. Still have a tape of me and my sis calling into the radio station to claim it.

I'm finding that I'm having a hard time getting to the point. My heart is pounding, my hands are clammy... I've told three people in my life about this. My college bf, M, and my sis, who went through parts of it with me. And I realize now that I haven't told any of them about all of it.

My parents trusted him with us. He would 'babysit' us - although we were old enough to be left alone to a point, I think they liked having an adult there. He would take us swimming, drive us other places... He would also give us back massages. He would have us put on leotards. I don't know how it happened, but after a while he would start not only rubbing us outside, but also going up inside the leotards, rubbing our buttocks and thighs.

Honestly, writing this down, I really can't believe that we thought that was okay. I read it now and I'm completely appalled at how incredibly inappropriate that was. Unfortunately, though, that wasn't the end of it.

I definitely remember not wanting to be around him, but for some reason that is completely unknown to me at this point, we didn't tell our parents. Maybe we just didn't see anything wrong with it?

He would talk to me about growing older and sex and marriage. He told me about how good it felt when you met someone special and were intimate with them. It's all kind of hazy, but I remember him talking about how you could use your tongue, and lick the person all over and how good that felt. I particularly hated being alone with him in the car - he wouldn't talk about that stuff when my sis was around because I was the older one, and she was too young for that kind of talk.

I was most frightened one time when he took me to another place he was house-sitting at (I think my parents had finally kicked him out at this point, but somehow he was still coming by the house and doing things with us). He wanted me to do an Indian 'coming of age' ceremony with him. Something that he had experienced out west when he was living on a reservation for a while, or something like that. It involved a 'special tea', peppermint patties (because of some chemical reaction with the tea), both of us stripping down to our underwear, and sitting on the floor meditating. I was absolutely terrified that he was going to rape me. I went through the motions, doing what he told me to do, drinking the fucking tea and nibbling on the peppermint patty, all the while trying to think of how I could get away if he tried to do something. The 'ceremony' also involved touching. I don't think he actually touched me 'down there', but definitely in the near vicinity. I was giggling, saying I was ticklish. He told me that I had to learn to get over that for when I had a boyfriend and he touched me there. It was, of course, much more of a nervous giggle - what the hell was I supposed to do? Eventually he realized how uncomfortable I was and asked me what was wrong and I told him that I was afraid he was going to try and have sex with me. He said of course not, this was all just part of the 'ceremony'.

After that, I never ever wanted to be alone with him again. I don't think I was but I don't remember how I managed it. And then finally he stopped coming around.

I've seen him a few times since then. I've always just avoided him - he still wears the fucking towel on his head so you can see him from a mile away and duck around the corner. Last time was probably ~10 years ago.

I know that he has house-sat for other people with kids, and I often wonder if they experienced the same things. Sometimes I feel guilty, like I should go to the police or something so that he can't do this to anyone else, but it was so long ago I don't know if they'd be able to do anything at this point.

I've still never told my mom. There's nothing that she could do about it now, and I think it would rip her heart out to know that this was going on and she and my dad didn't see it and kept exposing us to it over and over again. And I wonder now why we didn't say anything at the time? I realize now how completely wrong it all was, why could I not see it back then?

I know absolutely that it affected my relationship with my college bf. I managed to work through it with him, and I haven't had the same issues with M. But now I wonder if this is part of what's going on with me now - in some ways I shun my own femaleness because that's what the pervert was after. That plus the media - maybe there is a mind/body connection here, and although I like to think of myself as strong and able to get past all of this, subconciously I'm not okay.

Writing all this down I've remembered so many more things than what I have been telling myself happened. I had forgotten about him talking to me about how men and women can be together, the whole tongue thing, my giggling when he touched me and him telling me I'd need to get over that... Maybe I have repressed it all a lot more than I thought. Is recognizing it enough?

Australia, here we come?

I'm in a tizzy! M just got offered a position within his company that would involve a move to Australia for 2-3 years. It's a definite step up for him, the "international management" experience that will look great on his resume and definitely open up some doors later on. My job is 90% computer based, so I could totally work from there, and in fact my company does have a small sales office in Sydney so I'd even have a place to call 'work'.

We visited Australia for two weeks in '03, Sydney for a week and then Perth to visit some relatives I have there. Absolutely loved it, and we've always said since then that if we were to move anywhere, Oz would be it.

And then this comes along. Holy shit! I'd miss my new nephiece's (sex still unknown) first few years, but that's about the only reason I can think of not to go. I wouldn't want to move there forever because I'd miss my family too much, but 2-3 years I could definitely handle. I've been feeling really blah about our life here recently, this would definitely add some adventure!

I know some of you have moved to a different country, either for a limited amount of time or for good. Would you recommend it? If you could go back and make the decision again, would you still choose to move? What are some of the pitfalls we should think about before jumping in to this head first?

And it's official...

Beta = negative. And mere hours after my blood was drawn, CB started trying very hard to make her entrance. Ah well. Back on the horse again. Now I'm hoping that the extra week that the progesterone bought me means that any cysts I may have had will be gone. Please please please!

Psychosomatic symptoms?

Of course they were! 14dpi = BFN. On a FRED. I did go buy one yesterday.

Not even the most miniscule hint of a second line. I'm kicking myself now for not doing the HPT yesterday so I could go in for a beta this morning - I'm going to a charity dinner where a chef comes into your home to cook a meal for you tonight, with all the wine you can drink. Without a beta there's still a minute possibility that I am actually pg (a la Suz!), therefore can't enjoy the wines the chef has selected to go with the meal. Fuck.

I had a feeling, all my "symptoms" completely disappeared yesterday. No sore boobs, nothing. Given that I've never ovulated (certainly not since going off BCP), I don't know what's normal to feel and what's not normal. Do your boobs usually feel tender in the two weeks after you've ovulated when you're not taking meds? Is it the hcg shot? the progesterone?

Psychosomatic symptoms?

I've been having the 'to POAS or not to POAS' dilemma the last few days. I'm currently 12dpi so theoretically a + / - on a FRED should be reasonably accurate, but neither my sis nor another good friend think I should. I had a hard time convincing myself it was a bad idea yesterday until I checked the HPTs I have (you know the 3-pack from Costco I bought when I went off the pill 'cause I'd be needing them any day) and they're EPT which say they can be used starting the first day of your missed period - so I assume that's 14 or maybe even 15 dpo/i? So I couldn't use it until Saturday even if I wanted to (and I'm not about to go out and buy any more)! So that dilemma at least is solved.

Then, I was reading a blog last night where someone was making fun of a list of pregnancy symptoms (can't remember now where it was, will link if / when I find it again). Two of them that I hadn't heard before were having trouble sleeping / not sleeping well, and bleeding gums when you brush your teeth. So wouldn't you know it, I couldn't get to sleep until 2:15 last night when I finally got up, went downstairs and had a glass of milk. And, when I brushed my teeth this morning there was way more blood than I've ever seen before. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

I think it's all totally psychosomatic. I knew about the sore boobs, therefore they're sore. As soon as I find out about these other ones, boom, I have them too! I think I want very much to be pregnant, so I'm convincing my body to exhibit all the symptoms as I learn about them. How's that for twisted?

hockey camp, part 2.

Camp was a blast. It was really great to hang out with the gals from my regular team, I learned a new trick when playing defense (put my stick between the opposing player's legs when they try to go around me) (boy, does that sound phallic!), worked on my puck handling skills which is where I need the most help, and tried very hard not to think about whether I am pg or not (10dpi today, and yes I'm getting more and more tempted to test but I'm trying to hold out 'til Saturday).

I did find the camp a bit frustrating at times - I really really hate when people can't follow directions. The coaches described a drill to us, whose details I will not bore you with, suffice it to say that it was fairly straightforward. The first five people to go did. not. get. it. And it was a drill with partners, so that pretty much screwed things up for everyone else. I don't understand why you wouldn't, if you weren't clear on what was going on, just go to the back of the line and watch other people? Then there was another drill where we were passing back and forth across the ice, and the number of people who didn't seem to be able to figure out how far ahead to put the pass in order for it to be somewhere in the realm of their partner was also mind boggling. We started at one end of the ice, and the woman I was skating with threw the pass, supposedly 'to' me, 3/4 way down the ice. I am not that fast - none of us is. I don't even think NHL players are! WTF?

But on that note, I can apparently be a real bitch when people don't perform to my (admittedly high) expectations. I just had my mid year review, which was pretty good, except that I was told that I come off as arrogant. I was asking M about it and he said "well, when you know you're right, and someone is questioning you, you can be nasty". Not just 'a little' nasty, but all the way there. I guess when your husband doesn't come to your defense on a work related issue you know you really do have a problem.

Gah. I hate all the politics and making nice that has to go on. If I'm right and I know it, why is it so wrong just to say so? Why do I have to sugar, hot fudge and marshmallow coat it before telling someone else that perhaps they're being illogical? (I guess my problem is that more often I think they're being a complete dimwit, and it shows.)

I'm a hockey nut!

Thanks so much for all the kind words. It's so nice to have people who get it!

I'm heading up to Dartmouth to ice hockey camp this weekend. I'm really looking forward to it, going up there with three of my team-mates so it should be a blast. I can't believe this is my fourth year going up there. I should be packing, but I'm procrastinating on the internet. ha.

I'm hoping I'm going to feel alright for playing. I was in the lunch room at work today getting a glass of water, and my boss was in there as well. I think he was making himself an iced tea (literally, tea over ice). He dropped a bit of ice on the floor. I didn't think anything of it, but as I was walking out I stepped on a piece, and whoosh - out my foot went from under me. Just like in the cartoons where you see someone slip on a bannana peel. Fortunately I managed to catch myself so I didn't fall on my ass, but I definitely pulled my gluteus maximus. Hopefully it won't be any worse tomorrow than it was today!

What's the worst / most embarrasing spill you've taken?

Pity party

I'm sad today. I've been doing pretty well keeping positive about all this so far, but I feel way less pregnant this cycle than I did the last time. I had my high beams on from the second day after the IUI until... well, the day before the bitch showed up. And they were really tender too. This time they were sore the second day after, but it's already gone away. Granted I wasn't preg the last time, so maybe I am this time since it's different, but I just really don't think so.

Add to the mix that I was told that a coworker who's been married for less than a year is pregnant (including the fact that she's an exercise instructor, and WAY skinnier than me), confirmation that in fact X is pregnant and due in Feb, which means she got married in Jan and preg in May (boo hoo, baby showers really *sucked* for her, trying for what, four whole months before she got pregnant?), and I'm just not able to hold my head up quite as high.

My sis was over tonight, and did ask me if something was wrong... I wanted to tell her but I knew as soon as I spoke a word out loud I'd totally break down so I didn't say anything. My mom was over too, and as she left said to my sis (6 months pg) "You're looking so healthy and well". I got "Thanks for the dinner". I've told her *all* about what's going on, but she never asks about it, or how I'm doing or anything. I feel like she doesn't care. I'm not pregnant so I don't matter anymore. I'm sure that's not true, but it's how she's been making me feel lately.

IUI #2

Second verse, same as the first. Well, not exactly. My appointment was at 10am on Sat - last time the IUI was done at 10:35, this time we sat in the waiting room for almost an hour longer. It was a bit frustrating, but at least we had both brought something to occupy ourselves (I've finished H,K and O on my cross-stitch, and am working on N!). It turned out that Dr. Handsome wanted to do the IUI himself rather than having the nurse do it, and he was also doing an egg retrieval that morning - hence the delay.

The IUI itself was lots of fun. And I do mean that literally. Dr. Handsome and M had a nice comedy routine going. After he'd tried to get the catheter in for a little bit, Dr. Handsome said he didn't like the angle of my cervix, and that I could fix it by coughing. So M joked "It's about time a woman had to 'turn and cough'!". Dr. H then proceeded to tell us about the first time he had that experience as a sixteen year old with a gorgeous female doctor. Meanwhile I'm having fits of giggles, with the specul*m sticking out of me! I was afraid that it was going to fall out or something, but even with it wiggling around down there with every chortle, it seemed to stay in just fine. After I coughed on '3', apparently the angle was perfect, and in the little boys and girls went.

I did feel more comfortable this time than the last, Dr. Handsome really did take his time to make sure that the swimmers were in the right place. After some supplementary storming, we're crossing our fingers. And I start the progesterone suppositories tonight... after my 10 day luteal phase last time and reading that in women with HA "the luteal phase and early pregnancy need to be supported" I managed to convince Dr. Conveyor that I should be taking progesterone.

No beta until SIXTEEN days after the IUI though, so it'll be a bit of a wait.

Interesting ART article

Posted by AltMama. Check it out for a non-CDC comparison of fertility clinics, and to read about some really cool research that's happening.

Yippee!

Apparently it was a good thing that I didn't let my rebellious side win out over the dosage for the last couple of days. My lining this morning was at 8mm (thickest it's been yet, by far), and I have 3-4 pretty big follicles, ranging from 15 to 12mm.

I was so sure when I went in this morning that I would still be in the same old place. Completely surprised when I saw the ovary on the scan. (They're all on the right, my left ovary doesn't want to do anything). It's about time - 18 days of injections to date.

Update: Just heard from the nurse - one more shot of Repronex tonight then I trigger tomorrow!!! So IUI Saturday morning. I'm really almost in shock - I can't believe how quickly things progressed once they actually got going. I was, in a way, hoping for the IUI on Sunday or Monday so that M and I could get some storming in (as in, "Have fun storming the Castle..." - I hope you ALL know what movie that's from) beforehand for a bit of insurance, but it's not to be. He's out of town for work 'til Friday night. No complaint here though - I'm all out at the moment ;-)

Deep breath

I decided to go with 1&2/3 vials. I think the RE wanted me to drop back to 1.5 so that I don't overstimulate... I'm afraid that the opposite would happen and I'd go back in tomorrow and still be stuck in the same old place. I thought about staying with the two full vials, but I've always been such a 'good' girl - doing what I'm told, what I'm supposed to, always the responsible one, always respectful - that it's really hard for me to deviate from the prescribed course. So the extra 1/6 vial is about all I could manage. ha. It sounds so paltry when I put it like that - I'm a fucking rebel! woo-hoo - look at me bucking authority!

It's probably the one thing I would change about myself if I could. But it's so ingrained that try as I might I can never manage to be irresponsible or wild. When I was about five, and my sister was two, we were playing with finger paints. She was a disaster - paint everywhere but where it was supposed to be. On her face, her clothes, her legs... I so wanted to be like that, but all I could manage was to thoroughly cover my hands and lower arms. Couldn't even make it up to the elbows! And that's the way the two of us have been ever since. Me, prim and proper, never had a sip of alcohol until college, virgin until I was in love at 17, had a summer job since I was a sophomore in high school, didn't take a year abroad because I didn't want my parents to have to pay for two of us in college at once, never bought anything I couldn't afford yada yada yada. My sis? Hellion in high school, sneaking out of the house, drinking, pot, boys, took an extra year in college 'cause she could, buys big screen TVs and leather couches and refinances her mortgage to finish her basement even though they really can't afford it.

Okay, can you tell I'm hitting a sore spot? One more rant and then I'm done... My father passed away about ten years ago from lung cancer. When my sister wanted to get engaged, mom asked me if I was okay with my sis having the diamond from my parent's engagement ring, since they couldn't really afford one of their own. (side note - what the fuck am I supposed to say to that???). So of course I say yes. But oh no, that's not good enough - the setting? Platinum band, with quarter carat diamonds on either side. It totally pisses me off that M and I have worked really hard to get where we are, he wouldn't propose to me until he had save enough money for a ring (he's equally as responsible as I am, good or bad), and then not only does she get my mom's diamond, he spends as much more on her ring as M did on mine! I don't care about the size or setting or anything, what really ticks me off is that supposedly she was getting the diamond from mom *because they couldn't afford it*. Yet another way in which being responsible has bitten me in the ass. And yet I still can't stop!

Is there a 12 step program? Hi, my name is Nico, and I'm responsible!

Advice?

Went in for yet another u/s this morning. Still didn't look as if much was going on - lining was exactly the same, 5mm, although my biggest follicle is now at 10mm... not quite enough to be sure that it's progressing, but an improvement. e2 at 136 though!

Nurse called and told me to decrease my dosage back to 1.5 vials. I'm tempted to continue with the two full vials. Any thoughts?

Maybe I'll split the difference and go with 1.75.

Day 13: STILL nothing

e2 levels so far: 42, 46, 55, 38, 42. My baseline level when I had my hormone levels taken to diagnose my HA was 34. So there is pretty much nothing happening.

To my surprise, they told me still to continue with the two vials of Repronex, and come in for another date with the cooter poker on Monday morning. I'm still holding out a shred of hope that this will work, but mostly I'm resigned to giving up. If there's still nothing going on on Monday I'm definitely going to ask if it's worth continuing to throw good money after bad.

I'm disappointed. Heck, I'm crushed. But somehow I'm not sad about it anymore. Just wanna get this cycle over with, get the next one where I have the cysts over with, and get back on the horse. (A big horse, with a really big... okay, that's gross!)

HA message board

So this was the first time I really ventured out into any other forums. The beginning of the board was pretty informative - I'm thinking now that perhaps I'm not responding as well to the meds this time around because of the switch I made in the bcp I took. Before my first cycle I had been on a low dose pill but hated it because it made me all bloated and I packed on weight like there was no tomorrow. So while I was waiting for my cysts to go away, I went back on the pill I had used before, which apparently contained a higher dosage of the hormones, and perhaps is interfering with my response now. Plausible.

The middle of the board though started to really annoy me. *baby dust*,*sticky vibes*, PEOPLE POSTING IN ALL CAPS, in pretty pink letters, those fucking little icons everywhere... boy, they've really come up with some doozies! WTF? I'm so glad our IF blogs are a safe haven from that sentimental crap.

Update 01/19/11: I noticed that this was one of my popular posts.  I just want to say it was written about an older thread on the fertilethoughts forum which got a little wacky after a while.  The current HA thread, which you can find at http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/lifes-journey/343535-hypothalamic-amenorrhea.html is not like this at all, it is a wonderful support forum that has helped hundreds of women with HA over the almost seven years it has been in existence (it was started by my now friend, fitgirl, in August 2005, just a few months after I wrote this post.)

The growing Hypothalamic Amenorrhea Club...

I started this blog when I was diagnosed with HA, and couldn't find any message boards, blogs, or other place where I could talk to people in the same boat - find out what had or hadn't worked for them, why my RE was telling me certain things, if their's was saying the same. For a long time, there was just me, and maybe Queenie (who I don't think was diagnosed as HA, but wasn't getting regular visits from C. Bitch). In the last couple of weeks, a few other potential HA gals have found my blog, and tonight I came across a message board with over 500 posts (I'm currently reading through, on around #120 or so...). So I started my "HA posse" links section.

I have already come across a post on the board where someone said she was on Repronex for 20 days, so that's given me some peace of mind. I've been so worried that they would just tell me to screw this cycle and give up. And whether that would mean that we're done with this avenue (injectibles / IUI). Sometimes I think that being a scientist is a really bad thing in this arena because I know too much about things that could potentially happen. The meds aren't working? I must be making neutralizing antibodies. So the FSH will never work, and I've totally screwed myself because I can't ovulate, and now can't take gonadotropins so no IUI OR IVF. Despite the fact that there is no published paper even remotely suggesting that. Well, except in baboons taking human gonadotropins. I'm such a dork.

nothing. nada, zilch, zero, rien, nichts, niente.

Yet another u/s this morning (#4 this cycle), lining a little better at 5.2mm, but STILL NO FOLLICLES > 8mm. 11 days of Repronex and *nothing*. I'm really getting the feeling this cycle is fucked. fuck.

Update: My e2 levels so far have been 42, 46, 55 and today a whopping 38. woo-hoo! They told me to up my dosage to two full amps, and come in again on Friday. For just an e2 test, no dildo-cam. I don't know if that's good or bad... last-ditch effort, I suppose.

hamster head

I too have hamster head today. I just spent 45 minutes making up an Excel spreadsheet with what days I took what doses of meds on this cycle and last, when I will might hope to have my IUI (day 19 or 20? this cycle vs. day 18 for the last). Have I been exercising too much? Is that what's going on here? Not eating enough? I'm not losing weight, but I'm not putting it on either... do I need to put on another five-ten pounds? Exercise in the last week:

Sun: ice hockey, 60 min
Mon: ice hockey, 50 min
Tue: weight lifting, 60 min, biking 35 min
Wed: biking 50 min
Fri: biking 35 min
Sat: biking 35 min
Sun: ice hockey, 60 min

I feel like that's nothing - it's so much less than I used to do. I used to lift weights 3x per week, play volleyball for 2 hours, 2x per week, and play hockey ~4x, plus the biking. But it is more than I was doing last cycle (weather was worse, so I wasn't biking nearly as much). Am I shooting myself in the proverbial foot? I love the way I feel when I exercise, so strong and healthy, how can it be that it's actually not good for me?

Robitussin?

Anyone tried Robitussin for increasing EWCM? Read about it in the evil condescending book, thinking about trying it... Also, Jen P said in her comment that evening primrose oil (1000mg) works too. Any experience with either? Both? 'Cause more is better, right?

Bah, humbug.

Yet another u/s this morning. (Made sure to hide my bright red undies!). Lining at a whopping 4mm, three follicles on the right all at 8mm, a bunch of smaller ones on the left. Doc says, "everything looks great, you're responding really well". Yeah, maybe if I'd only been on meds for four days. It's been nine!!! I was a fool to think that when I had a 7 and 8 last Weds that things were going well.

I've heard of people having cycles cancelled - I don't know how long they'll go on stimulating before they say uncle. Wouldn't that just be peachy. Here, take my two thousand dollars and throw it in the garbage. I don't care about the money if I at least have a chance of getting pregnant, but to spend all of that for nothing? That really fucking sucks.

*Sigh*

I really need to remember not to expect things in this area to go the way I want them to. Second u/s yesterday morning - my two follicles were hardly bigger at all, and the few other little ones were catching up. Not good. So my meds were upped to 1.5 vials again. I'm not too upset because I think it will work out okay like it did the last time, but it's still disappointing - I had thought everything was going to be perfect this time. Dumbass.

On a completely different (or exactly the same) note, I can be such a total dimwit sometimes.

Dimwittedness #1 - I had bought a really cute pattern for a baby jacket that I'm going to make for my sister. I wanted to go to the fabric store this morning to buy the fabric, but had left the pattern at work, in my car. (I biked home last night). So I decided to bike back to work again, shower there, then go to a fabric store nearby.

#2 - although I remembered to bring soap, shampoo and conditioner with me, I forgot about a towel! So I had to dry myself with my sweaty tank top. Dumbass.

#3 - brought clothes to change into, but forgot my underwear! Not much I could do but head to the fabric store commando.

And the final straw - turns out the fabric store only sells home furnishing fabrics!

Randomness

I'm going to a friend's house for dinner tomorrow night, so I opened my new box of meds / needles to prepare a package to take with me. The new needles for injection? 27 gauge instead of the 30 I have been using. I looked at the size - scary! *not* looking forward to switching over to those on Friday night. Hopefully the pharmacy will send me out some more 30's right quick!

Do you ever get hot flashes? I was standing in Babies-R-Us tonight, having purchased a shower gift for Saturday when all of a sudden I started feeling really warm - so warm, in fact, that I could also feel rivulets of sweat running down the backs of my legs. And when I say rivulets, I mean it. I wasn't glistening, I wasn't perspiring, I was freaking dripping! EEeeeeeewwwwwwww!

I love love love Ginger Altoids.

Jumping follicles, batman!

u/s this morning, I don't think I could have wished for better results! One follicle on the right at 8mm, one on the left at 7.2mm, plus a few little guys on each side. Dr. Conveyor had said when I had an appointment with her last week that she'd be happier with two mature follicles rather than the one we got last time, to give us a better shot. And it looks like that's where we're heading.

I was totally convinced that there would be absolutely nothing happening, as with the first week of meds in the last round, but I was wrong! I don't want to get too excited, but if things keep on at this pace, IUI should happen next Thursday or Friday.

I've definitely found that I manage to keep myself much saner when I expect the worst. That way I'm pleasantly surprised when I get a better result, and prepared for disappointment. Had I had even an inkling that cysts might be an issue for me after the last cycle I think that finding them would not have been nearly as hard - I really was completely taken by surprise by that one. I knew that people got cysts, but given that I'd never had any in the umpteen zillion ultrasounds I'd had before, it didn't occur to me that *I* might be prone to them as well!

On a completely different note, a few bloggers have commented about the question of what to do with your underwear while you're on the table. Hide it? Fold neatly? I think most of us put it away somehow so that our cooter poker isn't too disgusted by us... Well, this morning, I did one better than that - I had ridden my bike to the doc's office, so I was all hot and sweaty. I didn't want to gross my CP out with the smell of unwashed, sweaty cooter, so I did a quick poor man's shower with some paper towels and soap in the lav. All fresh and clean for my prodding!

In the ring, fists are swinging...

Round two has begun! Repronex injections started Saturday night. No problems so far, although I've definitely noticed that it stings a lot more when I do the injection on the right side of my stomach than when I'm on the left. Bizarre!

Top Ten ways you know you're procrastinating at work...

Actually, I don't have ten. I've only got four at the moment. I was hoping you guys could help me add on. Anyway, my list so far (witout numbers, since I don't know where they'll ultimately fall):

A. You check the blogs on your list every fifteen minutes, hoping for one of your blog-buds to provide you with some news or entertainment

B. You check your non-work email every five minutes looking for any comments that have been left on your blog

C. You google 'asparagus pee' after having eaten pasta with asparagus for lunch and smelling the offending liquid

D. You spend half an hour laughing at the results of said search.

Cyst free!

u/s this morning to check for cysts before I went off the pill. All clear. So injections again starting this weekend.

How I amuse myself whilst on the pill

This morning I decided to ride my bike in to work. It's about 8 miles, takes me ~35 minutes, I really enjoy it when the weather is nice. Which it *finally* is.

So. When my bike is at home, I keep it in the back corner of the garage, sandwiched in next to the lawn mower. Usually I can just pull it straight out, but we had done some yard work last weekend, and hence have brown paper bags full of chopped up branches lining the wall. And I pulled my car in too close to the bags, so I couldn't get the bike out.

Ah - I knew I lifted weights for a reason! No problem, I could just lift the bike up and over the bags, and be good to go. Bend from the legs, lift the bike, over the bags... put down - uh oh. I somehow managed to catch the handlebar in my shirt AND necklace. I put the rear wheel down, and tried to maneuver the front to get it untangled. Magic new torture device. The more I tried to get out, the more I strangled myself!

Very fortunately, I had my cell phone in the bike bag attached to the back wheel. Gingerly I reached in with my left hand while holding the front of the bike up with my right so as not to garrote myself. Using the cell phone while driving also came in handy here, as I managed to use just the left hand to call Mark, who was still in bed upstairs.

"Um, Mark...? Can you come down to the garage and help me out?" - literally! When he opened the door and saw my predicament I couldn't help but burst into laughter, thereby tightening the damn necklace even more! Even he couldn't get the handle out from between the necklace and my neck, and ended up having to undo the clasp. Did manage to get out relatively unscathed, just a bright red mark across my neck. (And the necklace is fine too).

I was really lucky that he was home, and didn't take the 6:30am flight which he has been doing for the last umpteen weeks. There was a pedestrian who walked by in the street as I was sitting there waiting for them, so I suppose if he hadn't been home I could have yelled for help - wouldn't that have been a riot? "Um, excuse me... I seem to have a bike stuck to my neck!"

When it rains, it pours.

Literally. And figuratively. We've been having crap weather here in Boston the last few days. This morning I got up, left the house, and noticed that the dogwood tree that I had planted right after we moved in here in 1999 didn't look quite right. On further inspection, one of the main forks of the tree had split off in the wind.

Fuck you too, universe. Way to kick me when I'm down. I planted this little guy as about a two foot tall sapling, now he's about ten feet tall, and should flower for the first time next year. I think it can be salvaged, but it's still going to look really sad with almost half the tree missing.


Poor broken dogwood. 


Closeup of injury. 

Horrible, no good, very bad weekend.

What hasn't gone wrong the last few days? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. First, the crimson bitch came to visit on Saturday morning. So I'm not pregnant. On top of that, not only can I not ovulate on my own, I also have a ten day luteal phase. Fucking fabulous.

I managed to hold myself together pretty well during the day on Satuday - M and I had a round of golf planned, it was a decent day, and I was managing not to think too much. Then, we went over to my sister's for a belated mother's day dinner for my mom... at 18 weeks she's definitely showing (my sister, not my mom), which makes it a lot harder to ignore. I go into the bathroom to collect myself. Sittin' on the hopper, I see a black mark on my leg. So I go to wipe it off, and whadda ya know - it's got legs and it's stuck to me. I picked up a fucking tick playing golf. I.could.not.deal. So M took a quick look on the net to figure out what to do, and pulled the thing out with tweezers. GROSS!!!

At least I could have a bottle of wine.

Yesterday, my friend who had her ET the same day I had my IUI found out she's pregnant!!! I'm *totally* thrilled for her, she was only going to do the IVF this one time... but just as with my sister, we were hoping to get pregnant together. So basically, all you need to do if you want to get pregnant is go through a cycle with me. So far I'm two for two. Any takers? Step right up. Of course, that's not going to be happening for a while:

Day 3 ultrasound this morning. Four fucking huge cysts. One on the right, 26mm. THREE on the left, 26, 20 and 19mm. So not only can I not ovulate, have a short luteal phase, I also make really beautiful cysts. So no cycle this month. And to think last night I was looking at the calendar, and wondering if I wouldn't be able to make my graduation ceremony because we'd be doing another IUI.

Fuck checking the calendar to figure out potential due dates - I'm getting disappointed just planning ahead on when I might try to get pregnant.

I think I need to pick me up a pair of sweatpants.

Thanks guys....

I was really down yesterday after recieving an email from my "I got pg on my first try" younger sister with her 18 week ultrasound attached. Along with my mom's response to that announcing that another friend of the family just had a baby. Needless to say, not much work got done after that... but I did wander on to the internet, and was cheered up by Susan's dissection of "I just died in your arms tonight", and Molly's Dynamite husband. It's so great to have all you snarky ladies out there to help take the edge off. Thanks!

fun IM exchange with hubby...

Him: I took a pregnancy test and there is a 42% chance that I'm pregnant
Him: I should wait and take a test
Me: a 42% chance, huh?
Me: where did you get this test from?
Him: online
Me: what's the link?
Him: let me find it...
Him: http://pregnancy.about.com/library/quiz/amipreg/blamipregquiz.htm
Me: I got a 25% chance.
Him: really
Me: i suppose you've missed more periods than I have
Him: so it's more likely that I'm pregnant than you

Update: A friend of mine, who hasn't had sex in I don't know how long, got 17%. So my chance of being pregnant is somewhere between a woman who has no shot of being pregnant, and a man. It's not looking good. ;-)

Yes!

My temp still hadn't gone up yesterday so I called my RE's office. They offered (under protest) to test my progesterone. So I went in this morning - 4.7, and the Doc said I definitely ovulated. Yay! So at least I have that part under my belt.

Here's a picture of the cross-stitch I've been working on while I wait in the office. I got this in 1997 when I had a horrible cold and was up at all hours of the night. I've taken a few years off here and there, but I'm getting there...


Beatrix Potter cross stitch - 1997 - ? 

IUI #1

10:25 this morning.

I have good feelings and bad feelings about it.

Good - a close friend of mine is doing her first IVF cycle and her embryo transfer happened at 10:25 this morning as well.

Good - M managed to do what needed to be done, and his numbers were way better than they had been for his two SAs. "Primo" according to the nurse.

Good - drew my heart again. Seemed to work for the follicle, can't hurt for the I.

Bad - no egg white in town.

Update 10/12: Bad - no definite temp rise this morning. 97.5. I've just looked at some charts on tcoyf.com... it seems like most people's temp goes up definitively 1 dpo, but there are a few who didn't. I guess I'll keep going. But at this point I just don't think I've ovulated.

Pulling the trigger

After a few more days of Repro, I had another u/s on Sunday. My follicle was actually growing at the expected rate of 2mm/day AND my estradiol was at 207. Holy shit! So they told me to do the Ovidrel shot tonight.

As I was waiting for the magic 10PM hour to strike, I read through the entire package insert. Dork. Also stupid. Now I know that A) 10% of people don't actually ovulate after the Ovidrel shot, and B) of the 22% who do get pregnant, almost a third will miscarry. Idiot. I should have just stuck the damn needle in and been done with it.

I'm it!

To my complete surprise, I was blog tagged by Molly - (does that make it a blag? a tog?) to write about what else I could see myself doing. I have to pick 5 professions from the list below to imagine myself as, add one of my own, then choose three other bloggers to do the same. My initial response was glee - I've been picked! I'm one of the cool kids! I've never been a cool kid in all my life (the last one to get picked in gym class blah blah blah)... but that's another story. My second response was complete terror. I'm a scientist with no creative bone in my body anywhere. Not even my pinky. I'm not a writer, I don't have the knack that so many bloggers have of taking a fucking awful situation and making other people understand, and even laugh alongside at the small bit of humor that can be found.

So, I guess that's a good place to start - If I could be a writer... I would be able to turn a phrase just so, to elicit exactly the emotion I wanted to - fear, sympathy, joy, heartbreak, childlike glee. I would write novels that wouldn't make the critics sing praise, but would fly off the shelves nonetheless through word of mouth. I'd make people see how much better their lives, other's lives, the world would be if only we could be considerate and thoughtful to each other. And I'd do it by telling an amazing story that no-one who'd read it could ever forget.

On the other hand, being a little more selfish, if I could be a circus performer... I don't know exactly what one calls what I'd do - hanging in the ribbons from the ceiling, incredibly strong and yet graceful at the same time. I'd have a body to die for - not all thin and waifish, but athletic, curvaceous and fabulous. I'd be able to do amazing twirls, spins and holds, all without even breaking a sweat.

I'd also have fun if I could be a spy... I would be so good at deception no-one would ever have an inkling that I wasn't what I said I was. I'd pretend to be something glamorous with lots of travel involved - maybe an art dealer. I'd speak at least 10 different languages fluently, and would be able to kick some serious ass. I'd be curvaceous and fabulous and get people to do exactly what I wanted with just a hint of flirtation. My circus performing abilities would come in handy for climbing up buildings and such to uncover state secrets.

If I could be a chef... I'd be a pastry chef. I would create confections the like of which had never been tasted before. Exactly the right combination of ingredients to engage all five senses in an orgasmic culinary experience. The perfect texture, a surprising sound when bitten into, an enticing smell, a vision on the plate...and a taste that could never be forgotten. I don't know what it would be, but my stomach is growling!

Finally, if I could be a politician... I'd change the world. I'd bring logic, reason, kindness and understanding to the global scene. I'd get rid of fearmongering, hatemongering, and the idea that differences are to be feared. I'd be incredibly charismatic, curvaceous and fabulous. I'd make speeches that would be quoted the world over, and make all the evil people see the error of their ways. There would be no more wars over religious differences, revenge or territorialism. And especially no more pre-emptive strikes. There would be no assumptions about evil intentions to further one person's agenda. The world could focus on eradicating poverty and disease rather than eradicating people.

Who me, an idealist???

Here's the full list:
If I could be a scientist...
If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician...
If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter...
If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be an archaeologist...
If I could be an architect...
If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist...
If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete...
If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an innkeeper...
If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a llama-rider...
If I could be a bonnie pirate...
If I could be a servicemember...
If I could be a business owner...
If I could be an actor...
If I could be an agent...
If I could be video game designer...
If I could be photographer...
If I could be a circus performer...
If I could be a spy...
If I could be a fashion designer...
If I could be a high school student again... (Gerah)
If I could be a model... (Molly)
If I could be a politician... (Nico)

And I'm going to tog Lisa, Susan and Ova Girl. Can't wait to see what you gals imagine yourselves doing!

P.S. I can't believe I just spend an hour and half on this. Where does the time go???

Happy egg!

My Tuesday u/s still showed no progress so my dosage was upped again. Went in this morning, and *finally* something is happening! My uterine lining is at 4.6mm, 1mm thicker than it's been in any of the umpteen previous looks, and I do have one follicle that seems to be ahead of the pack. Still only at 10mm, but at least it's something!

(We're only going for 1-2 mature eggs at this point, given that Ms. egg has not yet arrived at the dance, let alone tangoed with Mr. sperm...)

This is the first time that my hope hasn't been bitchslapped to the floor. C'mon egg!

positive energy

I watched a movie called 'what the @#$%#', aka 'what the bleep' yesterday. It's all about quantum physics and reality, and how we can affect the world we live in. Not sure I entirely buy it, but...

There was this one part where the protagonist got all upset with herself and was screaming nasty things at herself in the mirror. Then she remembered back to another scene where a researcher had 'showed' that if you taped a nice thought to a bottle of water (like "love"), it made really pretty crystals when you looked at it under a microscope, but if you taped a nasty thought to it it looked all ugly and dirty. So she took a blue eyeliner and drew hearts all over herself. I liked that idea, so I drew a heart with my brown eyeliner over (approximately) where each of my ovaries is. Hoping that will send more good vibes. I know it's silly, but at this point I'm willing to try anything!

No progress...yet...

Day 7 ultrasound yesterday. Not much happening, unfortunately. Making a few more little follicles (total number up to 26 from 17), but no one seems to be taking any kind of lead. So meds increased by 50%, another u/s on Tuesday to see if anything's growing. Please, please, please let this work!!!

Two down, 10 to go...

Second injection, same as the first. Except I almost fainted. Not so good. I think my first problem was that I pushed the needle in really slowly, not with a nice quick jab. Then I started pushing the plunger, and it was almost as if the blood was draining from my head at the same rate I was pushing the liquid in to me. I closed my eyes halfway through to collect myself, and spoke to myself very firmly "just get the damn stuff in, *then* you can faint!". I managed to complete the injection, then wobbled over to the couch and lay there for a minute until I could see straight again.

I think tonight I'll try it sitting down.

woo-hoo!

Had my CD3 ultrasound this morning (following a two hour crying jag on Sunday when I was convinced that my body had been completely fucked up by the fat pills and I wasn't going to get my period after all that, just a lovely brown shmutz). $333 for two minutes with the magic wand. Seems like a waste to me. I keep trying to tell these doctors - everything.looks.the.same. Uterine lining at 3.6mm... same as every other time.

Anyway, got the go ahead to start my Repro injections, so I did the first one tonight. It wasn't too bad, the hardest part was actually pushing the liquid in, I started shaking a bit with that. Not enough to do any damage, fortunately.

So we're on our way. Think good egg thoughts for me, will ya?

Almost there...

I heard from the insurance company yesterday that there's no 30 day wait, I'm covered right away. Which is early next week, but will back date to this week. How often does one actually get *good* news from an insurance company? Not very!

:-D

So, I finish the fat pills on Thursday, then go for my CD3 ultrasound and start injections early next week.

I'm so excited to actually, finally get to "try"! I know that it's only a first step and that there are still all kinds of questions (how will my ovaries respond to the drugs - what if they don't make any follicles? too many? what if the cup gets missed again?)... but I'm really looking forward to the possibility of pregnancy, which I haven't had to this point.

Perspective

Every now and again something really earthshattering happens, and reminds you that what you're going through could be so much worse.

My boss's wife gave birth yesterday to a healthy boy. BUT, she was in labor for over 40 hours, and finally had an emergency C-section. They also had to remove her uterus.

She had wanted to have a bunch of kids, this was supposed to be just the beginning. That dream is obviously shot to hell.

And I complain that I'm putting on weight from my pills? Puh-leeze.

It's not as simple as 'ready, aim, fire...'

This is going to sound really stupid... One of the things I'm worried about for the IUI is that neither of the two times M has had an SA done has he been able to get much in the stupid cup. Any tips? The first time he did it by himself, the second I went in to 'help' - it was really hard!

I'm a giggler. I actually couldn't stop giggling at our wedding - the part where the priest said "Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband"... I couldn't stop laughing. The idea of *me*, with a husband! It took me a couple of minutes to control myself. I was having trouble controlling my giggles in 'the room' too. It was just so bizarre - the sterility of the setting combined with the porn, and then what you're supposed to do. *snort*.

Anyway, the other thing I've been wondering is that if you look at the instructions for the 'donation', they often say that you can use a non-lubricated condom instead. But Conveyor seemed to think that was a bad idea. Have you done that successfully?

Update

So I haven't updated in a while on what I've decided to do. Unfortunately, I wasn't a candidate for the clinical trial of the pulsatile GnRH (on two counts - male factor and I don't bleed on Provera). So, ahead with Conveyor it is.

At the moment I'm back on the pill, with plans to do shots of Repronex once I go off and CB shows her evil face. Going with a really low dose (the vials are 75IU, I've been told to start with 50IU, as we basically have no clue how my body will actually respond to some kind of female hormones.) If there's anyone else out there with the same condition (HA) that's gone through this, I'd love to hear from you... what kind of hormone dose was needed for you? How did you feel? I just really have no idea what to expect. I don't want to pay for all this and then not even make it to the insemination part!

I think I mentioned a while ago that I had been a complete dimwit as far as insurance goes. I work for a company in MA which offers insurance with coverage for infertility treatment. But, not realizing in Nov of last year when we had to decide about insurance that we would need the infertility treatments, we had decided to go with M's insurance, out of CA, that does not offer coverage. Regretting that now, for sure! So for the moment, I found another insurance company where we can get additional insurance to cover the infertility.

It'll cost the same for the first month (because of an $1K deductible), but only half as much in following months. So we decided to go ahead with it - if I *happen* to get pregnant the first time (I know, I know, wishful thinking!) then we're not out any more than we would have been without the insurance. If it doesn't work, then we're saving ~$1K per cycle.

Only issue is that I may have to put off starting the hormone for an extra three weeks - there may be a 30 day waiting period for the new insurance to kick in. I hate waiting, but I think I can manage a few more weeks... Although I'm still feeling completely bloated and yucky from this new pill. I actually had to go out and buy some new pants! Got them from Old Navy for only $6.67/pair though, that was a nice find. I took them up to the register thinking they would be $20 each, but they rang up for the $6.67. Sweet!

please, tell me it's the hormones!

I got sent to Amsterdam for work - to a conference, to give a talk in place of my boss. His wife is due at the end of April... he thought he'd be okay, but she has mild hypertension so they might have to induce her sooner than that. So here I am.

Took the red-eye last night, landed in Amsterdam at 7 this morning. Despite a Xanax for the ride, I couldn't get any sleep (there was one little girl, about three, who talked / laughed the ENTIRE night. Her mother didn't say a single word. I wanted to turn around and let her know how pleased I was that her daughter was enjoying herself, but could she at least *try* to keep her quiet so that the other hundred people on the plane could get some sleep? Why is it that people are so inconsiderate?).

Anyway, got to the hotel, took a nap, showered and got ready for the conference. I was giving a talk, so I brought some nice pants and a button down shirt. When I tried to put them on - HOLY SHIT! They didn't fit. I don't mean they were tight, they didn't fit! I had to wear my pants unbuttoned all day, and a sweater instead of the shirt I was going to wear.

I was completely flipping out, until I remembered that I had started taking the pill last Friday night (trial for pulsatile GnRH didn't work out - must have normal male). I've *never* gained weight on the pill before, but this is a different formulation that what I've taken. So I'm hoping (praying) that that's what it is. But the kicker of it all? The only place I haven't gained anything is in my boobs -the one place where I could actually stand to add a bit! Isn't life a bitch!

I actually noticed it on Saturday night, when I went to put on some pants I've had for ages that have always fitted me perfectly - even those were a bit tight... enough that I actually took them off and changed into something else instead. Is it possible that the hormones could affect my weight *that* quickly?

Gah. The hormone ride over the next couple of months in going to be very interesting indeed. I've been reading TCOYF recently, and I don't think I've ever ovulated. EWCM? I really don't think I've ever experienced that. Gah.

Home video tip...

When I was a kid, my grandfather used to take 8mm movies of us every now and again. I remember watching them from time to time growing up... but no-one had seen them for years and years. I finally found them, in a closet, when we were in SA for our vacation.

I borrowed a movie projector from my in-laws, and sat down with great excitement to watch them. Not to see myself, but to see my father and grandfather, both of whom passed away ~10 years ago. Unfortunately, almost all of the movies were of the kids - my sister, cousins and me. There a fair number of shots of parent's / grandparent's legs, but full shots are few and far between.

I would really have loved to see a bit more of my dad and grandpa. So when we have a kid (okay, if), I'm going to make sure that we take videos of them, sure - but also of us and my mom, so that when the kid(s) grow up and want to see what we were like at their age, they'll be able to. Videos are so much nicer than photos.