Backstory

I was trying to remember some of the thoughts and feelings I had way back before being diagnosed with HA, and remembered the very first blog I started, A Nickel for My Thoughts (because my name is Nicola, get it?  ha ha ha).  Went back to it, and there were a few posts that added more backstory to this blog, so I decided to copy them over here so everything's in one place.  So if you subscribe to this blog through a feed reader or email you might see the posts popping up - they're all from almost eight years ago.  Hard to believe it's been that long!

They start with this one if you're interested in reading through them.

Memories

[Copied from my first blog, A Nickel for My Thoughts]

I'm finally back into watching movies on Netflix, after having taken about a three month hiatus. I keep telling myself that those months when I've watched 8-10 movies make up for the 0 movie months... but I know that the 0 movie months are what keeps the company in business. Anyway, not the point. The point was that I watched "Family Man" tonight, and it had a couple of references to 1987. That was the start of my freshman year of high school. At least I remember that. But what worries me is that I really don't remember that much else about it. A few of my high school friends and I were talking about those days a little while ago, and they were telling me stories (in which I was heavily involved) that I have absolutely no recollection of. One in which my best friend gave my a mylar balloon for my birthday, then we were sitting in AP US history class and one of the boys was throwing things at it and managed to pop it. Rings NO bells whatsoever. I can't remember what my schedule was, I don't remember a lot of my teachers... yet other people can rattle these things off as if it were just yesterday. So I've decided that this blog is a really good thing - it'll help me keep track of what's going on in my life, if nothing else.

I was in a car accident in December of '94. I had graduated in June of that year, and started teaching at a Catholic girl's school, still in Baltimore where I had been at JHU, and I decided to splurge and buy my first car. I had fallen in love with convertibles, and borrowed some money from my parents to buy a Miata. What a fun car! Got that in August of '94. In December, I was out on a Friday night, dropping a friend off at her Aunt's house, before heading home to a holiday party we were hosting. Never made it. It was raining, and as I was driving through an underpass, the road curved, but I apparently skidded and kept going straight. Into oncoming traffic. Totalled my car, the first car I hit, and did $5K worth of damage to a third car. Ended up in the hospital with a broken collar bone, stiches next to my eye (from the glass, I assume), and a wicked concussion. I'm pretty sure that if I hadn't been wearing my seatbelt I wouldn't have lived to tell the tale, based on the force from the seatbelt having broken my collar bone... Anyway, the whole point was that my memory hasn't been the same since. I actually went to see a neurologist a few weeks after the accident because I had become way more forgetful than I had been before, but he (she?) didn't find anything. So now I feel like I have big chunks of my life that are missing. So forgive me if I ramble on with tales from the past every now and then - I'm kinda hoping that if I write some of the stuff I'd like to remember down it'll help keep it from slipping away.

Girl trouble update - I'm now on estrogen, which will be followed by progesterone, in an attempt to actually get my period. Doc called yesterday and said that she had been talking with an endocrinologist in an attempt to figure out what might be wrong... she wants me to have an MRI of my head to rule out the possibility that some kind of growth might be causing it. She said not to worry as it's highly unlikely, so I'm trying to be calm about it.

Girl stuff

[Copied from my first blog, A Nickel for My Thoughts]

My girl troubles... had the ultrasound last Wednesday, everything was normal. It was totally cool to watch though. First she did my kidneys, then bladder and uterus, then ovaries. that was fascinating - you could see the egg follicles and everything! Also got blood test results back. All normal. *sigh*. I really thought that my estrogen levels would be low and that would explain everything. Guess it's back to the drawing board on that.

exercise log:
Weds 11/24 hockey practice 8-9am, scrimmage 5-7pm
Thurs 11/25 - thanksgiving!
Fri 11/26 hockey scrimmage 5-7
Sat 11/27 off day
Sun 11/28 hockey practice 1-3, vball practice 7-10
Mon 11/29 weightlifting
Tues 11/30 hockey pickup 6:45-7:45am
Weds 12/1 hockey practice 8-9am

Getting the doctor party started

[Copied from my first blog, A Nickel For My Thoughts]

*sigh* still no time (or is it motivation?) to write about my deep thoughts from Angels in America and 'the Bell Curve'. Still thinking about it...

In the meantime, exercise...

Weds 11/17 (I was bad!) pickup hockey 6:45-7:45am, hockey practice 8-9
Thurs 11/18 Off day
Fri 11/19 weight lifting
Sat 11/20 Hockey practice 5-7
Sun 11/21 Hockey game, 3:15-4:45. Hurt my shoulder, so didn't go to vball practice
Mon 11/22 Vball league playoff game 7:15-8. We lost. So got to go home early. I was glad because I didn't want to injure my shoulder, but at the same time I ate a ton of mini chocolate bars at work (600 cal worth!) so I kinda wanted a bit of exercise to work that off. Better to rest my shoulder.
Tues 11/23 Hockey pickup 6:45-7:45.

Went to see the doc about my lack of periods on Friday. She's doing some tests for hormone levels. We'll see. I'm also having an ultrasound because my uterus is 'a bit far on the right hand side'. Whatever that means. M- always teases me about being crooked (one of my ears is quite a bit higher than the other one, so my glasses have to be bent so they look straight on my face), I guess I'm more crooked than I thought! That's tomorrow afternoon...

Exercise log

So, I've been watching Angels in America over the last couple of days, and it's really made me think... stuff I want to write about. But I'm tired, and I managed to sign myself up for early morning hockey again tomorrow morning, so I'm going to have to save that for another entry.

So, I did end up going to lift on Friday 11/12. yay me :-)

Sat 11/13 hockey practice 5-7
Sun 11/14 hockey game 1-2:30, volleyball practice 6:45-9:30
Mon 11/15 wanted to lift, but couldn't get my butt out of bed, so off day...
Tues 11/16 hockey 6:45-7:45am, lifting 8-9

N.

Frustration

[Copied from my first blog, A Nickel for My Thoughts]

I had a really crappy day at work today. Three months (just about) into my new job, I suppose it's about time. Spent all day in completely useless meetings. Four hours of presentations by an outside vendor that I had already seen. Grrr... I don't mind being stuck in meeting so much when I feel like I'm learning something, but to waste my time like that? It really pisses me off. So I ended up leaving work early (yeah, at 5:20 - not really so early!) 'cause although I had a ton of stuff to do today I was just sitting there being pissed (after I got back from the meeting at 5pm) so I decided to come home and do fun things instead.

I'm a pissy driver when I'm frustrated. Not good. People who feel the need to come to a complete stop before making a right turn? Idiots! People who can't stay in their own lane? Morons. Those who drive below the speed limit up to a traffic light that's green, only to have it turn red before I get there (of course, THEY make it through!!!). Imbeciles! Usually I can take these things in stride, but when I'm already in a bad mood, forget it. So much worse. So I get home in a pissier mood than I was when I left. Tonight I could feel it happening and tried my best NOT to choose to be pissy... worked a bit. Not completely though.

I think I'm also getting a cold, which sucks.

And I've been eating GARBAGE over the past week or so. I decided that perhaps I'm not getting my period because I undereat / overexercise, so I thought I'd try not being quite as concerned about the calories I'm eating. Of course that translated almost immediately into buying chocolate and candy. And proceeding to eat it in vast quantities. I really don't know why - yes, it tastes good at the time, but afterwards - who even remembers? Except the scale, of course. ha. I have to get back to writing everything down. Not for losing weight, but just so I'm not eating all this crap.

I'm sad today. I don't know why. Maybe tired.

Weds 11/10 - walked 2 miles, hockey 11-12.
Thurs 11/11 - nothing!
Fri 11/12 - planning on lifting in the morning.
(I need to write this down beforehand so that when I get up tomorrow morning I don't tell myself I don't have to go. I started lifting two years ago, and I've been SO good about it, going almost religiously 2 times a week, up until this new job. Where I can no longer wander in at 10am. So now I have to drag myself out of bed at 6:30 to go and lift, and it's somehow much easier to talk myself out of it at that time rather than at 7:15.)

Anyway, enough rambling. TTFN.

Overexercise?

[Copied from my first blog, A Nickel for My Thoughts]

So I'm thinking about starting a family, have been off the pill since July without getting my period. Funny how things like that happen - we spend so much of our young lives trying not to get pregnant, and then when you want to, you find out all the precautions were for nothing. ha. joke's on you!

Anyway, I've been wondering if I'm not getting my period 'cause I'm exercising too much. I keep telling myself that I'm not, but I get talked into things / sign up for things because they sound like they'll be fun... and next thing I know, I'm overdoing it! So I'm going to try keeping track of what I'm really doing, so I can figure out how to control myself.

The whole journaling thing really helped me lose weight back in May - perhaps being more concious of the exercise I'm doing will help me to cut down on that as well. If I really find that I need to. We'll see what the doc says in a week or so....

Last week's exercise:

Saturday 10/30 - volleyball tournament all day (9-6)
Sunday 10/31 - hockey game 4:50-6:00
Monday 11/1 - weight lifting, volleyball 7-8:45
Tuesday 11/2 - off day (skipped hockey pickup)
Wednesday 11/3 - hockey practice 8-9am, 7-8:45pm
Thursday 11/4 - off day?
Friday 11/5 - hockey game 7:30-9:00
Sat 11/6 - hockey game, 5-6:30
Sun 11/7 - hockey practice 1-2:45, volleyball practice 7:30-10
Mon 11/8 - volleyball league 8:45-10:15
Tues 11/9 - hockey pickup 6:45-7:40, hockey game 7:30-8:45

Any thoughts?

Descending into Eating Disorders

[Copied from my first blog, A Nickel for My Thoughts]

I understand now how easy it is to fall unsuspectingly into an eating disorder. So I mentioned that I lost 12 pounds in 2 weeks? It was so easy for me. I simply cut my calories down to 1500 a day, and what with all the exercising I do, the weight just dropped off. So now I fit into clothes I wore in college again, and in fact weigh less than I have since I started college. But yet I still manage to look at myself and think that I need to lose more weight. I look down at my thighs and see these big fat sausages. I want more definition in my arms, I want a six-pack... I've stopped counting what I'm eating on the weekends though because I really don't think it's healthy for me to lose more weight, but it's so hard to actually look at myself and be satisified with what I see. Why is it that I can be so happy with everything else in my life - my wonderful husband, great job, incredible family - and yet I still feel like I need to be thinner?

Queen of Procrastination

[Copied from my first blog, A Nickel for my Thoughts]

This is my first blog entry, after having read others for a few months. I've mostly been reading weight loss / fitness blogs, starting with Alicia's which I got into after dropping 12 pounds in two weeks and starting to feel some of the symptoms of semi-starvation (insomnia being the major one for me). This is probably going to end up being more rambles (hence the blog title) than anything else although my major hobbies right now are all fitness related so I'll talk a lot about that.

A little about me: My name is Nico, I just finished my PhD in biology and started a totally kick-ass job at a biotechnology company. I absolutely love my job. Of course, if you don't love your job after 6 days, you might have a problem! Anyway, as far as fitness goes, I play ice hockey, volleyball, golf, bike and lift weights. At the moment I really *should* be working on revising my thesis, which is due on September 7th, but am I? NO! I don't want to!!!! So instead I'm writing emails, and starting on a blog. So to the voices in my head telling me that the revisions will be much less painful if I don't leave them until the last minute, I say "ha! I can outlast you for at least a few more days!".

Why is it that the hardest part of any project is getting started? Why is it that I *know* that, and yet still can't convince myself to do it? I had the same problem actually writing the damn thesis, although it wasn't quite this bad. It's funny - I have so much willpower that I can apply to what I eat and to exercising, (perhaps because I enjoy the feelings of control I get from that), and yet none to apply to this task. Maybe we each have a finite supply of willpower - if you apply it in one area of your life, that leaves other areas lacking. Food for thought.

Anyway (one of my favorite words, as you'll quickly see), if I'm not going to work on my thesis I should at least go to bed. TTFN.