HA and weight. Which turned into my entire ttc history.

I've been thinking a lot about my weight over the past years as I'm putting together the survey for my book.  So I thought I'd post my weight history for as long as I can remember, as I think it's interesting, and perhaps useful for others going through this.  (Note, I'm about 5'6").

I first got my period at age 14.  Kinda late.  It was the summer after freshman year, I was babysitting for a family up in Maine and my best friend happened to be visiting.  Fortuitous if I wasn't going to have my mom around, to have someone else I could confide in.  I have no idea what I weighed at the time.

My cycles were fairly irregular, and I remember my periods lasting FOR.EVER.  Each was at least 10 days of bleeding.  And I never knew when they were coming, although as I think back on it, I feel like it was about every 5-6 weeks or so.

Then at around 18 I started on birth control pills for a short while, but wasn't very reliable about taking them, so ended up with Norplant (the rods that go in your arm) after a couple of years.  Loved it.  Especially loved that I stopped getting my period a few months in.  I think my weight at the time was in the mid 120's.  That was when I was about 20.  In college I started exercising a bit - I'd go to the gym and use the stairmaster (doing the classic - level 10 but holding my weight up on my wrists. ha ha.) and would run occasionally.

The Norplant lasted five years, I met my husband, and we got married.  At some point I had them taken out and went on the pill.  I worked for a few years, then went to graduate school.  And this is when I really started paying attention to what I weighed.  I guess over time my weight had gradually trended upwards until I was sitting at about 139 in grad school.  Which was fine, but I was never particularly happy with my love handles and the bit of cellulite I had developed.  Went on a few "diets" but could never be particularly consistent about it because I just loved food too much, particularly junk food.  If I could be healthy and live on chocolate and chips I totally would!  During this time I became much more active than I had ever been before - started playing ice hockey a few times a week, volleyball, weight lifting, squash - I loved being and feeling so fit!

Then, some of the post docs in my lab whom I hung out with a lot decided they needed to lose some weight.  And I thought I would join them. Finally get rid of those love handles, and "get healthy" in preparation for having a baby.  Because I'd seen so many places that if you were overweight you should lose weight to be more fertile, and so I figured that was true for me too.  They were men, quite a bit bigger than me, and were aiming to eat 1500 calories per day.  I figured that would be a good goal for me too, as I was smaller than them but exercising more.  So I started an Excel file (I have one for everything!) where I would track my calories for each day.  With all the exercise I was doing, my net calories were around 7-800.

And I lost weight.  BOY, did I lose weight.  I think I lost 12 pounds in the first month I was doing this, then a few more after that.  Which got me down to my low weight of 120.  It was so addictive seeing that number on the scale go down!  I loved how I looked (I had a six pack! and you could see the vein in my bicep!)  And then I went off the pill because we decided we were ready to have a baby.  And my body just laughed at me.

I went to see my PCP, and then my OB/GYN.  Eventually I was diagnosed with HA, and my OB did tell me to cut down on exercise.  I had gained back to about 133 by that point, but still no period.  This was about six months after going off the pill.  Then went to see an RE, who was very doubtful that I would either start to cycle on my own or that Clomid would work for me.  Up to 136 (Jan '05).

Two months later I got my period while on vacation! Had a couple of ultrasounds after I got back and had a 14mm follicle that didn't grow in two days.  So we started on the injectable/IUI rollercoaster.  Over that period my weight kept going up.  Four BFN cycles (just reread all my archives - had forgotten how hard it all was).  Gained some more weight up to about 140lbs (yes, back to where I started!).

After the four BFNs we were going to move on to IVF, but not for a couple of months because of insurance.      Decided not to take bcp until we knew what our IVF schedule was.  Amazingly, ovulated on my own in 12/05 and got a BFP!!  143 lbs at the start of my pregnancy.

Gained 17lbs by 30 weeks and then another 20 in the last 10 weeks (mostly water), for a grand total of 37lbs and final pg weight of 180.

By six months postpartum was back down to 136 - could have gone lower but didn't want to for fear of having HA again.

Didn't get HA, started cycling naturally at 11 months postpartum, BFP on my third cycle trying (using progesterone to lengthen my LP from 8 days to 14+), starting weight for this pregnancy was 136.

Gained a total of 25lbs, final pg weight of 161.

Again no trouble losing the pg weight, got down to about 128 before deciding once again that I didn't want to lose more in case we did decide to have a third child, once again didn't want HA.

Started cycling naturally at 10 months postpartum.  Started trying for a third child at 18 months PP and got pregnant on my first! cycle.  Starting weight of 128.  Found out our baby didn't make it at 10w.  Had gained up to 133.

Lost that over time, kept on trying for a year, finally moved on to IVF.  Lucky enough to get a BFP on our first cycle.  Starting weight 127.

Gained a total of 30lbs this time, to 157lbs.  Lost 10lbs by delivering Truffle, lost another 10lbs by a week later, and then have been losing about a pound a week since.

And now we get to the real point of this post.  I'm now down below my pre-pg weight, at about 125.  And given that we're probably not going to have another child, I'm finding that my motivation to keep my weight up is somewhat lacking, and in fact, there is a not insignificant part of me that is once again liking seeing that number going down.  Amazing that it's still there after all these years.  I have been trying to add in some more snacks so that I dont' lose too much more weight, I think this is a good place for me to be especially as I'm not exercising that much any more.  But still.  I think it's something that those of us who got ourselves in the way of HA will always struggle with to some degree.  We can push those thoughts away for the most part, but not completely.

Have you been able to completely banish them?

Commencement

I don't post here much anymore, but I figure I'll keep updating with HA related stuff, as well as things related to my cycle so I remember them. I do come back to this blog quite frequently when I'm wondering about what happened when, or details about things that are no longer easily accessible to my poor addled brain, it's great to have as a reference.

So... I think I'm about to O again! I'm super excited about it, as I'm still BFing Timmy 2x/day (at 10.5 months old). I also weigh about six pounds less than I did when Timmy was conceived, so I was a little worried that my HA would be back again. (Although I'm not exercising nearly as much now, I'm lucky if it's 3x/week, so I've been hoping that would mitigate the weight loss).

Anyway, I've had a day of EWCM every two weeks since April, which suggested to me that things were slowly revving up. The first time freaked me out a bit as DH and I had been less than careful just a few days before, but it was just a random day (with a BFN a couple of weeks later). So I had it 7/2, 7/16, then every day since 7/24. And in copious amounts, more than I've ever had before! I'm not doing OPKs or temping or anything like that, I figure I'll have a good sense of when I might have O'ed based on drying up, and then I'll find out in somewhere from 5-15 days for sure if the good old CB (crimson bitch aka AF for any new readers) arrives. Fingers crossed!

Update: CB arrived on 8/3. So, I definitely O'ed! I would guess it was Monday night, 7/27, as I had some cramping that night, EWCM the following morning but nothing after that. So that's probably a 6-ish day LP. Not too bad... although I would have thought it would be longer than that based on all the egg-white. eh. now hopefully on to the next cycle!

Gotta love that uterine irritability!

I'm going to put up a few posts over here rather than at Phred/Fwed because my in-laws read that blog as it's mostly about the kids - but there are some things they just don't need to know!

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I have been lucky so far this pregnancy not to have experienced the series of contractions that I did starting at 25 weeks in my first pg. I've had plenty of sporadic contractions, to be sure - I noticed them starting at about 12 weeks. But nothing serial, that lying down or drinking wouldn't fix. Until yesterday that is. They started at about 12:45, I actually noticed them while I was standing in line to get lunch. And they continued. And continued. About every five minutes apart. I hadn't had much to drink since the morning, so I swigged about 20oz of water, and lay down on the floor of my office for a bit. Nice to have an office, I must say! They did stop while I was lying down, but started back up again as soon as I got up. I tried lying down again for a longer time, and they disappeared again - as long as I was on the floor. I decided to call my doctor's office after about three hours of this - they had been telling me to call if I had more than four in an hour, and at this point I was running at 10-12/hour. I wasn't overly concerned, as these felt just the same as all the other contractions, and I wasn't feeling any other labor-ish symptoms. I was a little annoyed, though, when it took the nurse an hour to call me back! We discussed a little, she eventually said that I should go home and call again later if they were still continuing. I almost agreed to that, but then figured I that at work I was only 5 minutes away, and I'd rather just go in at that point and get checked out than have to deal with going in later in the evening when it would be much more of a trek. She agreed that it would be reasonable for me to come in, so off I trotted.

When I got to the office, I was again kept waiting quite a bit longer than I would have expected. When they finally took me back they followed standard procedure - pee in a cup, weight, BP, and listen to the baby. I was still having contractions, but they were a little further apart at this point. Funnily enough, I often have one just as I'm lying back on the table and the nurse always comments about how "that's the baby". I don't have the heart to tell her that no, it's actually my uterus (it's doing the same thing this time as last, when I get a contraction it's all bunched up on my right side). Anyway the doc showed up a few minutes later, took a swab and checked my cervix. Long and closed, as I had suspected, but it was nice to have the confirmation. So off home I went.

I have noticed a lot more contractions today, including an almost constant one the whole time I was walking back from lunch. I think I must have just hit the point where my uterus is saying okay it's time to get ready now. Hopefully I'll be able to continue to manage the contractions just by drinking and lying down when needed (I did spend another few minutes on my floor today when I was tired of the effort).

Interestingly, when I was at the gym this morning doing my little weight lifting routine, I didn't notice any contractions at all. Perhaps I need to stop working! ;-)

Not-so-rose-tinted glasses

I am so flipping frustrated with my stupid body. I do believe I have the hypothalamic amenorrhea kicked. What I don't have kicked is totally irregular cycles. I have had a visit from the crimson bitch twice since I stopped BFing. The first time was four days after I ovulated, right as BFing ended. The second was 29 days later - 8 days after a CD21 O. I remember having had somewhat long cycles back from when I was a teenager, before any birth control, so I figured, okay, I'm going to O on around CD21... slightly longer than normal, but I can manage that.

So then we decide we're ready to ttc again. I should have known that was a recipe for my body going haywire. I started having EWCM on CD 8 this cycle. I was totally surprised - pleasantly so, thinking that maybe I'd actually O around CD14 and be normal. That dried up a couple of days later. No big deal.

Then it started again, CD13 this time. At this point, my 'no temping no OPKing' idea went out of the window. I was obsessing way more about whether I was going to O or not that I would using those things. So I started charting. This round of EW lasted for three days, then dried up again. So much for a normal length cycle.

Third time's the charm, right? My latest round of EW started on Monday, that's FIVE days ago - and still no positive OPK. Nor a temp rise, so it's not as if I O'ed and just didn't catch the surge. I am currently CD24, with no end in sight.

When I got pregnant with Ant, I O'ed on CD42. I thought, at the time, that it was so late because it was my first natural cycle in oh, forever. Now I'm rethinking that. Perhaps that is normal for me? I *wish* that I had paid attention when I was a teenager so I'd have a better idea of what to expect now.

I had set my baseline expectation at CD21 based on last cycle, but perhaps I should not anticipate O'ing until CD42 and then I'll feel less frustrated. I just wish I knew what was going on with all this egg-white. I'm almost getting to the point where I want to call my RE and see if I can go in for an u/s just to see what things are looking like inside. Do I have a decent sized follicle, that I could just take a trigger shot for? Or am I trundling along, follicle-less, and my hypothalamus is just playing tricks on me?

Damn, I *hate* not being in control, not knowing what is going on.

It's official

The proverbial goalie has been pulled. We are no longer doing anything to prevent pregnancy, so we are officially 'trying'. I'm in such a different space than I was in 2005 when we were attempting to get pregnant with the baby who turned out to be Ant.

I'm actually cycling! They may not be perfect (late O and 5 and 8 day LP's so far), but I have had two visits from the crimson bitch.

I'm approximately 16 pounds heavier.

I'm exercising about 1/4 as much.

I have my libido back after many, many years absence - wooo-hooo!

I am trying not to let my type A side take charge - no temping, no OPKs.

Finding it so much easier to interact with my pregnant sister (she was pregnant when we were ttc Ant as well - *hard*)

Experiencing the optimistim that most people have when they decide to try and concieve their first baby. (I knew I had problems pretty much from the get-go last time.)

Hoping that I can keep these rose colored glasses on!

Updates

I think CB is on the way - know why I think that? Because I'm getting my second yeast infection in a month (and my temp was down today too). The little booklet that came with the medicine I got last time did say that it could be associated with AF. Never happened to me before, but now, both cycles! Post-coital burning last night was NOT a pleasant sensation. I really hope this is not going to be a monthly occurrence. On the plus side, it looks like my LP this month will be 8 days, up from 5 last month. Heading in the right direction, at least!

Cured!?!?!

As I'm sure you're all aware, I was crossing my breath and holding my fingers that I would cycle normally again after finishing breastfeeding.

I had one false alarm towards the end of BFing, and then a real ovulation right around the time I stopped, with the good old crimson bitch showing up a measly 5 days later. But she showed up!!!

Around CD10 of this cycle (and I am so excited that I can say that!) I started seeing some fertile signs, so started temping and OPKing. Today (CD20), I got a real positive OPK! Last time I had two days where the test line was almost as dark but not quite, and then did O after that - today's test was actually even darker than the control line. So I think I'm ready to call it - I no longer have hypothalamic amenorrhea. I may have other cycle issues, but it seems clear that my hypothalamus is sending out the signals it's supposed to be.

I am just over the moon!!!

New score in - wolves 2, Nico - jackpot!!!

Chain of evidence:

Temp way down yesterday.

Signs of an imminent yeast infection. Lovely.

Some cramping in the am - felt much more like CB cramps than GI... ???

Purchased 1-day yeast infection treatment last night.

Used it.

Pantyliners today to deal with the drippage.

Lots of drippage.

Lots and LOTS of drippage.

Getting more and more pink-ish through the day????

Explanation number one - some wierd fungal disease turning my lady bits pink.

Explanation number two - crimson bitch?

End of day check suggests number two. Only a five day LP, but holy shit! An LP!!! An ovulation that I caught!!! The renowned crimson bitch paying a visit (with thanks to Mollywogger for a much better term than AF)!!!!!!

Yiipppppppppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Round two - wolves 2, Nico 0.

I'm amusing myself. Which is good because I think everyone else is sick of this train of thought.

My temp was up on Friday, up on Saturday and very clearly NOT up today. So unfortunately I think that this week's potential O was yet another false hope.

What I find very interesting, though, is that it was 29 days after the last time I thought I may have. So clearly something is going on with my hormones, I'm just not all the way there yet.

Stopped BFing completely as of Thursday - I have enough frozen milk to make it to that magical one year mark, and I'm taking that as good enough. Ant was not terribly pleased with me the last night we nursed, popping on and off and never really drinking much. I don't know if I just wasn't letting down quickly enough or what. So I'm not as sad about it as I thought I might be. In fact, I'm somewhat relieved.

No more wolves - I think!

Okay, so I've been diligently peeing on sticks every day since last Friday. Oh, how I missed it! (Not, and yet not!)

As I mentioned, I was getting essentially no line for the first few days. A line so faint that even when I squinted I wasn't sure I could actually see it. BUT! Two days ago, it was much darker. Still not a positive, not as dark as the control line, but damn close. And then yesterday the same.

And all kinds of crampy things going on last night.

Today's OPK was back to the nonexistent line again.

I think I should go to bed now so I can check my temp in the morning.

O.b.sessing!

am temp = up. cautiously optimistic!!!

The girl who cried "O, AF" (updated)

I have been obsessing. And obsessing. And trying not to obsess, but not managing. As is probably clear from the tenor of my last few posts.

Yesterday my back was hurting me which is my usual PMS symptom. I was initially writing it off as being due to the weeding I'd done the night before. But then I was sitting in a meeting, and started feeling all crampy. I totally couldn't concentrate on the meeting, all I could think was "maybe AF tomorrow????" "what if..." "do we want to start trying already?".... and so on and so on.

Then, I went to the loo, and lo and behold, EWCM?!?!?!? Quite stretchy, around an inch or so. So then I was thinking, maybe ovulation really is just around the corner this time??? Clearly my body is trying to do *something*.

I got home and actualy peed on a leftover OPK I had. No sign of any kind of second line whatsoever. Oh well.

Today's TP adventure, however - I have never ever seen so much CM, EVER. So I think I'm going to buy some more OPKs on my way home and try again.

Did I say that I'm obsessed???
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So I purchased a 20 pack of OPKs on my way home. Peed as soon as I arrived. That nervous anticipation you all know so well - and the result? A "light of a thousand suns" second line. WTF? I always thought that EW was related to LH, but I guess not! Must be estrogen??

Accidental weaning.

The only time I can manage to get some exercising in is first thing in the morning. So of the three days I go to work, I head to the gym first Mon/Thur, and play hockey on Tuesday mornings. The hockey is tough with nursing because I need to leave before Ant gets up. I used to dream feed him, but these days, if I pick him up to nurse he wakes up. So that's no good. The last few weeks M has been giving him a bottle when he gets up, and I've pumped at work.

Today was a bit of a funny day, because it turned out my mom hurt herself and couldn't come to babysit. So rather than going to work after hockey, I came back home. Fully intending to pump - but didn't! Ant has been asking for more milk every morning when he's finished nursing anyway, so it's clear that my supply is no longer keeping up with his demand. And after a day off, I can imagine it's going to be even worse. So we might be down to just one nursing session a day, by default.

I'm almost considering stopping now, but I want to be able to say that I nursed for a year. Being part of that 11% or whatever it is. Stupid, I know!

Sigh

Despite that I didn't really think that I had O'ed, based on my temps going back to my coverline 5 "dpo", I'm still a tiny bit bummed that the crimson bitch has not paid me a visit yet. (I think tomorrow is 14 "dpo"). And there is NO way that I'm pg, unless it was a virginal conception, so that's not it.

On one plus side (and WAY too much information, but it's my blog so too bad), I am having so much CM at the moment my panties were stuck to me tonight!

I'm planning on weaning Ant after his first birthday, which is in three short weeks. Un-fricking-real. I am continuing to believe that I've done what I needed to in not going crazy with weight loss post baby, and not exercising too much (ha, like that's even an option!), and that CB will make her much anticipated appearance a month or two (or even a few short weeks, can I dare to be so brazen?) after weaning is completed.

Since I stopped pumping while at work, and Ant stopped biting me, nursing has become a much more pleasant experience. Especially now, when speed nursing is the order of the day. 8 min one side, 4 min the other and we're done! He really likes to hold onto my arm when he's nursing now, I couldn't have imagined myself saying this even a month ago, but I'm going to miss it. I'm going to miss the feeling of that little hand patting my arm, and waving in the air searching for it when I go to pick up my book or my water bottle. Ant pointing at the nursing chair making the milk sign first thing in the morning, and the flapping of his arms when he sees me come in at night after Dad has read the bedtime stories, because he's so excited for his bedtime milk. Weaning is going to be a little harder than I imagined, I think. For both of us. So even though I'm excited to start cycling again (positive thinking, positive thinking), I'm a little nostalgic as well.

Spoke too soon?

I never imagined that I might actually ovulate and see the Crimson Biatch before I stopped breastfeeding. It's funny how quickly my expectations can be reset. With the CM and temp rise all of a sudden it was a possibility... and now I'm finding myself obsessing. I've taken my temp almost every day since! I even entered my 'data' into FF, with my pre-O temps from a previous cycle. FF did give me an O date, but I'm still not convinced. My temp this morning was only 97.3 and that was after going downstairs to move a sprinkler and back upstairs again. Argh! I keep telling myself it's really not that long to wait until next weekend when CB would theoretically show up - but I just want to KNOW.

I'm so not good at waiting!

Looking good!

I am sitting here trying desperately to hold my excitement in check. I decided on a lark to take my temp this morning, and it was 97.8, about .8 higher than my usual pre-O temps (although I haven't been taking them this 'cycle'). And, no CM to speak of.

I think I might actually have ovulated!?!?!?!

Holy shit, batman.

I'll take my temp again tomorrow and see what that's like - and then I guess I'm in a 2ww! (Zero chance of being pregnant unless it was an immaculate conception, but 2 weeks until I find out if CB show up!)

Can it really be true?

Has the battle been won?

I am now down to nursing Ant only two times per day, first thing in the morning and right before bed.

I am enjoying the 'freedom' of being able to wear real bras again. I had been using just a light sports-bra type of nursing bra, I hated the ones with all the levers and switches to undo the cup for BFing. And I've never been terribly well endowed (I think I was probably a C- at my absolute biggest, sniff), so minimal support was just fine. But that did mean that I was constantly on 'high-beam', just a tad embarassing!

And freedom from pumping at work is heavenly - not only in the extra time that is freed up, which isn't all that significant, but also in my reduced frustration levels. All in all, a good thing.

The best part, by far, is that I'm actually starting to have a bit of CM when I wipe. In fact, more than just a bit. I might even say prodigious amounts! AND, my libido is finally waking up after having been missing basically since Ant was conceived. (I was hoping to be one of those lucky women who gets to be super-horny during pregnancy - um, NOT!) So I'm thinking, hoping, wishing that perhaps I'll actually ovulate all on my own, and see that magical Crimson Bitch in a few weeks?!?!?! I'm so excited!

Weaning, part 2

We cut out afternoon nursing a couple of weeks ago as it was just too iffy with me getting home from work about half an hour after Ant would get hungry, and then if he was fed, impossible for me to pump while taking care of him. So that was switched to formula.

Recently, I've still been nursing him mid morning, and pumping at work, but my production has dropped from ~5 ounces to just about 2. Not enough to feed him, he usually takes around 4oz. So I had very seriously been considering dropping that feed too. Then yesterday I tried to nurse him after his morning nap, he took one suck and then wanted to play. So I took that as a signal to switch to formula, and in fact he was perfectly happy taking it out of a sippy cup. So hopefully we can make the bottle to cup transition nice and smooth too.

The biggest bonus - no more pumping at work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!