New score in - wolves 2, Nico - jackpot!!!

Chain of evidence:

Temp way down yesterday.

Signs of an imminent yeast infection. Lovely.

Some cramping in the am - felt much more like CB cramps than GI... ???

Purchased 1-day yeast infection treatment last night.

Used it.

Pantyliners today to deal with the drippage.

Lots of drippage.

Lots and LOTS of drippage.

Getting more and more pink-ish through the day????

Explanation number one - some wierd fungal disease turning my lady bits pink.

Explanation number two - crimson bitch?

End of day check suggests number two. Only a five day LP, but holy shit! An LP!!! An ovulation that I caught!!! The renowned crimson bitch paying a visit (with thanks to Mollywogger for a much better term than AF)!!!!!!

Yiipppppppppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Round two - wolves 2, Nico 0.

I'm amusing myself. Which is good because I think everyone else is sick of this train of thought.

My temp was up on Friday, up on Saturday and very clearly NOT up today. So unfortunately I think that this week's potential O was yet another false hope.

What I find very interesting, though, is that it was 29 days after the last time I thought I may have. So clearly something is going on with my hormones, I'm just not all the way there yet.

Stopped BFing completely as of Thursday - I have enough frozen milk to make it to that magical one year mark, and I'm taking that as good enough. Ant was not terribly pleased with me the last night we nursed, popping on and off and never really drinking much. I don't know if I just wasn't letting down quickly enough or what. So I'm not as sad about it as I thought I might be. In fact, I'm somewhat relieved.

No more wolves - I think!

Okay, so I've been diligently peeing on sticks every day since last Friday. Oh, how I missed it! (Not, and yet not!)

As I mentioned, I was getting essentially no line for the first few days. A line so faint that even when I squinted I wasn't sure I could actually see it. BUT! Two days ago, it was much darker. Still not a positive, not as dark as the control line, but damn close. And then yesterday the same.

And all kinds of crampy things going on last night.

Today's OPK was back to the nonexistent line again.

I think I should go to bed now so I can check my temp in the morning.

O.b.sessing!

am temp = up. cautiously optimistic!!!

The girl who cried "O, AF" (updated)

I have been obsessing. And obsessing. And trying not to obsess, but not managing. As is probably clear from the tenor of my last few posts.

Yesterday my back was hurting me which is my usual PMS symptom. I was initially writing it off as being due to the weeding I'd done the night before. But then I was sitting in a meeting, and started feeling all crampy. I totally couldn't concentrate on the meeting, all I could think was "maybe AF tomorrow????" "what if..." "do we want to start trying already?".... and so on and so on.

Then, I went to the loo, and lo and behold, EWCM?!?!?!? Quite stretchy, around an inch or so. So then I was thinking, maybe ovulation really is just around the corner this time??? Clearly my body is trying to do *something*.

I got home and actualy peed on a leftover OPK I had. No sign of any kind of second line whatsoever. Oh well.

Today's TP adventure, however - I have never ever seen so much CM, EVER. So I think I'm going to buy some more OPKs on my way home and try again.

Did I say that I'm obsessed???
***********************************
So I purchased a 20 pack of OPKs on my way home. Peed as soon as I arrived. That nervous anticipation you all know so well - and the result? A "light of a thousand suns" second line. WTF? I always thought that EW was related to LH, but I guess not! Must be estrogen??

Accidental weaning.

The only time I can manage to get some exercising in is first thing in the morning. So of the three days I go to work, I head to the gym first Mon/Thur, and play hockey on Tuesday mornings. The hockey is tough with nursing because I need to leave before Ant gets up. I used to dream feed him, but these days, if I pick him up to nurse he wakes up. So that's no good. The last few weeks M has been giving him a bottle when he gets up, and I've pumped at work.

Today was a bit of a funny day, because it turned out my mom hurt herself and couldn't come to babysit. So rather than going to work after hockey, I came back home. Fully intending to pump - but didn't! Ant has been asking for more milk every morning when he's finished nursing anyway, so it's clear that my supply is no longer keeping up with his demand. And after a day off, I can imagine it's going to be even worse. So we might be down to just one nursing session a day, by default.

I'm almost considering stopping now, but I want to be able to say that I nursed for a year. Being part of that 11% or whatever it is. Stupid, I know!

Sigh

Despite that I didn't really think that I had O'ed, based on my temps going back to my coverline 5 "dpo", I'm still a tiny bit bummed that the crimson bitch has not paid me a visit yet. (I think tomorrow is 14 "dpo"). And there is NO way that I'm pg, unless it was a virginal conception, so that's not it.

On one plus side (and WAY too much information, but it's my blog so too bad), I am having so much CM at the moment my panties were stuck to me tonight!

I'm planning on weaning Ant after his first birthday, which is in three short weeks. Un-fricking-real. I am continuing to believe that I've done what I needed to in not going crazy with weight loss post baby, and not exercising too much (ha, like that's even an option!), and that CB will make her much anticipated appearance a month or two (or even a few short weeks, can I dare to be so brazen?) after weaning is completed.

Since I stopped pumping while at work, and Ant stopped biting me, nursing has become a much more pleasant experience. Especially now, when speed nursing is the order of the day. 8 min one side, 4 min the other and we're done! He really likes to hold onto my arm when he's nursing now, I couldn't have imagined myself saying this even a month ago, but I'm going to miss it. I'm going to miss the feeling of that little hand patting my arm, and waving in the air searching for it when I go to pick up my book or my water bottle. Ant pointing at the nursing chair making the milk sign first thing in the morning, and the flapping of his arms when he sees me come in at night after Dad has read the bedtime stories, because he's so excited for his bedtime milk. Weaning is going to be a little harder than I imagined, I think. For both of us. So even though I'm excited to start cycling again (positive thinking, positive thinking), I'm a little nostalgic as well.

Spoke too soon?

I never imagined that I might actually ovulate and see the Crimson Biatch before I stopped breastfeeding. It's funny how quickly my expectations can be reset. With the CM and temp rise all of a sudden it was a possibility... and now I'm finding myself obsessing. I've taken my temp almost every day since! I even entered my 'data' into FF, with my pre-O temps from a previous cycle. FF did give me an O date, but I'm still not convinced. My temp this morning was only 97.3 and that was after going downstairs to move a sprinkler and back upstairs again. Argh! I keep telling myself it's really not that long to wait until next weekend when CB would theoretically show up - but I just want to KNOW.

I'm so not good at waiting!

Looking good!

I am sitting here trying desperately to hold my excitement in check. I decided on a lark to take my temp this morning, and it was 97.8, about .8 higher than my usual pre-O temps (although I haven't been taking them this 'cycle'). And, no CM to speak of.

I think I might actually have ovulated!?!?!?!

Holy shit, batman.

I'll take my temp again tomorrow and see what that's like - and then I guess I'm in a 2ww! (Zero chance of being pregnant unless it was an immaculate conception, but 2 weeks until I find out if CB show up!)

Can it really be true?

Has the battle been won?

I am now down to nursing Ant only two times per day, first thing in the morning and right before bed.

I am enjoying the 'freedom' of being able to wear real bras again. I had been using just a light sports-bra type of nursing bra, I hated the ones with all the levers and switches to undo the cup for BFing. And I've never been terribly well endowed (I think I was probably a C- at my absolute biggest, sniff), so minimal support was just fine. But that did mean that I was constantly on 'high-beam', just a tad embarassing!

And freedom from pumping at work is heavenly - not only in the extra time that is freed up, which isn't all that significant, but also in my reduced frustration levels. All in all, a good thing.

The best part, by far, is that I'm actually starting to have a bit of CM when I wipe. In fact, more than just a bit. I might even say prodigious amounts! AND, my libido is finally waking up after having been missing basically since Ant was conceived. (I was hoping to be one of those lucky women who gets to be super-horny during pregnancy - um, NOT!) So I'm thinking, hoping, wishing that perhaps I'll actually ovulate all on my own, and see that magical Crimson Bitch in a few weeks?!?!?! I'm so excited!

Recipe swap

A few people expressed interest in a recipe swap, and as I am desperate for something different to eat that A) is either good as leftovers, or B) is quick to prepare, I thought I'd go ahead with it. I think we can be pretty simple about this - post a recipe on your site and then let me know either via email or a comment, and I'll post a link to it here. And I'll keep this post at the top for a while, so the recipes will be easy to find.

Here are the recipes, I'll keep adding as I get links from folks:
Nico - asparagus pasta
Em - marinated black bean salad
Shelley - Joanne's crockpot stuffed green peppers and Shelley's crockpot swiss steak
Jenn - whole wheat mac-n-cheese and beef stew
Katie - Cheesy beer soup

Weaning, part 2

We cut out afternoon nursing a couple of weeks ago as it was just too iffy with me getting home from work about half an hour after Ant would get hungry, and then if he was fed, impossible for me to pump while taking care of him. So that was switched to formula.

Recently, I've still been nursing him mid morning, and pumping at work, but my production has dropped from ~5 ounces to just about 2. Not enough to feed him, he usually takes around 4oz. So I had very seriously been considering dropping that feed too. Then yesterday I tried to nurse him after his morning nap, he took one suck and then wanted to play. So I took that as a signal to switch to formula, and in fact he was perfectly happy taking it out of a sippy cup. So hopefully we can make the bottle to cup transition nice and smooth too.

The biggest bonus - no more pumping at work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Relationship stuff

One of the things that has surprised me about having a baby is how it's affected my relationship with M. We have always been rock solid, from the day the light dawned on his marble head. (I was chasing him for about a year before he finally clued in). We communicate really well, and have never had a fight.

We went through pre-Cana before we got married, one of our assignments was to ask our parents for three things that they had learned through their years of marriage that could help us start ours off on the right foot.

My mom is one of the wisest people I know. We have put her suggestions into practice, and I think that they have been instrumental in keeping our relations as cordial and happy as they are. In fact, I try and practice them in the rest of my life as well.

First, never assume that anything your spouse does is based on ill intention. If something is said or done that hurts you, before getting all up in arms and angry about it, think about other ways in which the words/act could have been intended that were not acrimonious.

Second, praise and notice can make a world of difference. Paying attention to the little things, like the bathroom being cleaned, the lawn being mowed, the accounts taken care of, and saying a simple thank you to show appreciation makes the effort put in seem much more worthwhile.

Third - If you do something wrong, admit it and apologize. Things are a lot more likely to escalate if you get defensive, or try and cover up whatever you've done.

Anyway, both M and I have tried as much as we can to practice these 'rules'. But I had been feeling for the past month or two that we were getting off track. I felt like I was doing way more than my fair share around here, and that M was forgetting rule number two. I don't mind so much doing most of the cleaning and cooking if I think my effort is being noticed, but when I feel like all the work I'm doing is making zero impression it gets harder and harder to be okay with.

I had a bit of a meltdown this past weekend - during Ant's nap, M was upstairs adding a new account in Quicken and copying and pasting transactions into it. I, meanwhile, was feeding Ant, putting him down, cleaning the dishes from last night and his breakfast, putting the laundry in the washing machine... when M finally came down I was not a happy camper, and he immediately picked up on it. I told him that I was a little bit mad that I'd been doing all this stuff while he was basically just faffing. He said I could have asked him for help - my retort was "I shouldn't HAVE to ask!"

He said that was a very good point. And that I wasn't to do any cleaning for at least two weeks. He actually has followed through so far. I feel guilty when I'm sitting around doing nothing while he's cleaning, so I have been doing things, but it's meant that I actually got to clean the kitchen floor which has been needing it despearatly, instead of doing yet another set of dishes.

Asparagus pasta

prep time ~25 minutes

Bring to boil:
2 qts water (you need to measure it because of the salt ratio).
1 Tbsp salt (don't reduce this - you're throwing most of it away later)

Cut up 1 lb asparagus: first cut off about 1.5 inches from the tip and then the top 1.5 inches from what's left, and put these pieces in a mesh bag (I use the ones that onions come in).

Cut up the remainder into 1.5" pieces.

Put these stalks and the mesh bag of tips into the water and cook for 3 minutes.

Remove the mesh bag and run cold water over it to stop it cooking. Put it aside.

Continue simmering the stalks for another 5 minutes.

Remove asparagus from the water and take out 1/2 cup of the water and transfer both to a blender. Don't empty out the rest!

Add 6oz fusilli or other small pasta to the asparagus water (use however much you need for 2 servings - you may like more than this).

Cook about 7 minutes (3 minutes less than whatever the package says)

In the meantime, add to the asparagus and water in the blender:
grated rind of 1 lemon
1 Tbsp lemon juice
1/4 cup olive oil.
Puree in the blender till smooth.

Save 1 cup of the pasta water and drain the pasta.

Return it immediately to the pan with the puree and 1/2 cup of the saved pasta water.

Cook for 3 minutes over moderate heat (it should be boiling), stirring constantly. Add a bit more water if necessary. You want it to be a thick sauce, not a soup, but
remember the cheese will thicken it.

Add 1/2 cup grated Parmesan, and pepper to taste, cook briefly, then add the reserved asparagus tips and cook, stirrng gently, just long enough for the tips to get hot.

Serve immediately in pre-warmed bowls. (Or, reheat in microwave!)

The recipe also doubles really nicely, and makes for good leftovers too! If you double it, no need to use extra lemon rind, and still only add 1/2c water into the blender. Otherwise it gets too soupy. Double everything else.

A sibling

I think about TTC#2 all the time.

I think about it when I go to the bathroom, I'm constantly checking the tp for any signs of CM. Which I have actually seen a couple of times in the last few weeks. Makes me hopeful.

I think about it when I'm deciding whether to have a snack or not. Trying very hard not to let myself fall back into my old pattern of restricting what I eat because I don't want to have the same non-ovulating problems again.

I think about it when I look in the mirror and see all my imperfections. And when I avoid the mirror because I'm not happy with what I see.

I think about it when I step on the scale.

I think about it when I see pregnant women. Who are everywhere. And as DD mentioned, when I see non-pregnant women wearing those stupid maternity clothes that are all the rage now.

I think about it when Ant does something particularly cute.

I think about it when I see my sister who is pg with number two - an oops. I wonder if I could ever be so lucky.

I also wonder if people who didn't have trouble conceiving their first child have this same all consuming obsession with the second. I know that M doesn't - I asked him the other day how often he thinks about a potential sibling for Ant, and he said about once a month. It honestly probably crosses my mind 10-20 times a day. And we're not even wanting to 'try' yet. How much worse is this going to be when we are ready?

Notes from the front

I'm bored with what we eat. And I'm looking for either quick and easy recipes that I can make at night after Ant has gone to bed, or things that make for good leftovers. I was thinking of doing a reprise of Jenn's virtual cookie exchange, for dinner recipes. What do you think? If you think its a good idea and would be interested in participating, let me know either in the comments or via email (noperiodbaby[at]comcastDOTnet).

After my declaration of a few weeks ago that I was quitting nursing NOW, things improved significantly. The biting subsided again, I now let down for the pump almost every time, and overall it's just a much less frustrating experience. I did switch over the afternoon feed to formula because that was really iffy with me getting home from work, and if his sitters fed him before I got home finding the time to pump just wasn't happening. I was very pleasantly surprised that he had no problem at all taking the formula. Although when I went to make it for him the first time I was a bit taken aback by the WARNING: breastmilk is best for your baby in large letters. Way to stick the knife in and *twist*. I can only imagine how hard that warning is to see for someone who wanted to breastfeed but wasn't able to.

I played golf for the first time since April 30 of last year, this past weekend. I had been planning on playing until I was 7-8 months, but the contractions starting at 25 weeks foiled that idea. It was so nice to get out there again (the in-laws babysat for us), and I was very pleasantly surprised at how well I played. I had two holes where I fell apart, but even with that I still shot a 108 where I was regularly shooting about 104-105 before last year. And, the weather was just perfect!

Finally, we had another fun day with my niece yesterday. We went over to my mom's house for the afternoon. Her husband decided to mow the lawn - they have a big piece of land, so he uses a ride-on mower. The kids thought it was better than sliced bread. My niece was out there first, and was squealing in delight every time he'd come around the corner, and then waving and waving at him every time he'd make a pass. Ant and I joined them out there after a little bit, and he found it just as entertaining. When he gets excited he waves his arms up and down and pumps his little legs - every time R would drive by Ant would be jumping up and down with glee. Us adults had a marvellous time watching the kids have a marvellous time. They definitely help make everything fun and new again.

Sick. As a dog.

We spent last weekend with my sister and her family; hubby and 19 month old daughter. It was just marvellous, so great to spend an extended length of time with my niece. My favorite time with her was on the ferry ride home - she took me by the hand, and we walked around to look at all the various dogs people had brought with them. After we examined each one (from a distance), she would say "mah, mah", and make the sign for "more". So then we'd trot over to the next woof woof. Knee slap. Once she was tired of that we walked outside, where she asked to be picked up. She would stick her hand over the edge of the boat into the wind from our passage, then laugh hysterically and tuck her face into my shoulder. The best part for me was that I asked her a couple of times if she wanted to go back to her mom, and the answer was an emphatic "no". Made me feel so special :-)

Not so special, though, was the cold that Ant and I brought home from that weekend. Ugh. It started with just a runny nose, and fortunately that's all that Ant still has, but for me it's now morphed into a lovely cough with an accompanying fever. Ugh.

What I find really odd is that I *never* used to get sick. I really mean that. It was a bad winter for me if I got ONE cold. This year I've had two colds that have been so bad as to have a fever as well, viral conjunctivitis (of course the long-lasting kind with no cure but time), and the lovely stomach bug that was going around.

I'm wondering if this is all because my immunity is down because of breastfeeding. I was talking to a friend the other day, also BFing, and feeling the same about being way more sick this year than ever before (well, for as long as we can remember). Any other anecdotal evidence out there on this topic?

Total aside, sick as a dog? I don't know that most dogs are particularly ill.?

I quit!

Nursing, that is.

I wanted to hold on until a year. But, between the biting which has increased in frequency again and let me tell you is fricking painful when it’s eight teeth coming at my poor tender lady bits, and my complete failure to let down for the pump about 50% of the time, I just can’t do it.

I find myself getting upset and angry with Ant when he bites me, which I hate. I know that he’s not doing it out of any kind of malice, but I’m finding it very difficult not to let those emotions bubble up despite logically knowing that they don’t make sense. He’s also taken to popping on and off, which also exasperates me, as do the times when he seems to nurse endlessly.

Pumping used to be very easy – 5 minutes and I’d have somewhere around 5-6oz. Now, it takes me much longer to let down for the pump, if I even do. When there’s no let down I only get an ounce or two, or sometimes (like this morning) even less. I know there’s milk there – this morning he only ate from one side so I should be able to get at least 3oz from the other side. But when my reflex doesn’t cooperate, what I should get and what I do get are wildly different. So I’m finding that incredibly frustrating as well.

On the whole, I now dread nursing and I dread pumping. He doesn’t seem to care one way or the other whether he has the bottle or the breast. So I’ve decided that it’s okay for me to stop.

Although I started to write an IM to my sister this morning to ask about what kind of formula she’d recommend, and started getting all teary. Which is funny because I never thought of myself as emotionally attached to nursing. I guess I am to some extent. But I’m also feeling a big sense of relief with my decision.

I guess it will really depend, though, on whether he’ll take formula or not. We’ll find out this weekend!

(I’m not going to quit cold turkey – I’ll switch to formula for the daytime feedings first, then probably morning, then bedtime last. Any idea how long I should wait in between cutting out each feed?)

I always knew those sci.en.tol.ogists were crazy!

My Aunt and Uncle are Sc.ient.ologists. They moved to the US fifteen years ago or so to teach at a Sc.ient.ology school out in the northwest. I didn't really know much about the teachings of that 'religion' until we went to visit them a couple of years ago. They gave us a tour of the school, and explained some of the theory and practice of how they go about teaching the children.

It's a very self-directed method of study. Each unit has a packet that the kids work through - reading about the topic at hand, and then using various media to demonstrate understanding. For a history topic, for example, the child would read a chapter, then perhaps make a series of clay models of the seminal events. We watched some of the kids at work, they all had their dictionaries out as they were doing their reading, and had all kinds of tools at their disposal for creating their models. Once the unit is complete, the child takes a test, when they are ready for it. If they don't get 100%, they have to go back and repeat the lesson until they do.

I thought that it was an interesting method of education. I may not agree with everything they were doing, and it certainly won't work for all children (in my opinion), but I did feel that they had some worthwhile ideas.

So, when my uncle sent me a little pamphlet called "Children" from the sci.ent.ology book collection, I figured it couldn't hurt to give it a read. And truly, I do think that it had some points worth considering. For example, a lot of people will say to a child "you're fine, you're okay" when they fall down and hurt themselves. The sci method suggests instead asking the child what happened, and having them tell you a couple of times, asking questions about the incident, until they feel better and are able to move on. I can see the reason behind that - we don't actually know how the child feels, and telling them they're fine (in effect, you're silly for crying) is in some ways belittling their experience. Another example - letting the child do whatever he/she would like to with their toys, including breaking them. Why should we impose our methods of play, our strictures, on our child? If they want to play so hard with a toy that it gets broken, why not? Again, we are teaching the child, by not letting them truly own their toys, that they are not in control, not in charge.

Towards the end of the pamphlet, there's a little section on baby care. I read through this too, even though it was for babies much younger than Ant is now. I got to a part that was talking about what to do if your baby is crying. It suggests that if the baby has just been fed, so you know it's not hungry, has been changed, has had a nap so you know it's not wet or tired, that you should look for other reasons that it might be crying.

Like a pin, or a piece of coal in the crib.

Yes, you read that correctly. I was so surprised I almost fell out of the chair. I figured that it must be a really old pamphlet, published in the 1850's or something like that (yes, I know that Sci.en.tology didn't start until the mid-twentieth century or so). So I checked the copywrite date. 1994 and 2000!!!! The only thing I can think is that someone was playing a huge joke. Or trying to see how many people would actually read the pamphlet.

Feeding help?

I need some serious food help. Any and all advice is appreciated!!!

Ant is almost nine months old, and I know that I need to start moving him from the jarred baby foods to more table-food like things. This is a huge problem for me because I do not eat "well" at all, so I really am at a loss for what to do.

I have had big issues with the textures of food since I was very young, and consequently ate zero fruits or vegetables from as long ago as I can remember up until after I finished college. When I was in high school I was so averse to anything fruit/vegetable like that I wouldn't even eat tomato sauce on pizza, just plain cheese. My parents tried to get me to eat things (imagine a 12 year old throwing a 45 minute tantrum over eating ONE raw grape!!), but didn't push me too hard because my mom was relatively similar when she was growing up.

In more recent history, I've gotten a lot better. I now eat a decent selection of veggies (broccoli, green beans and asparagus are my regulars i.e. about once a week), but still don't eat any fruit. Pureed fruits or juices are fine, but the raw stuff? I really can't stomach it. Another example - I like minestrone, but the way I make it for myself is to take out the pasta and potatoes, put them into a pot, then put the rest of it through the blender.

All that means, though, that I really have no sense of where to go next for Ant. So far I've given him some low-sodium minestrone, with the veggies cut into small pieces, and he seems to quite like that. What other things should I try? Some of the baby books suggest strips of cooked fruit - they don't tell me how to cook them though!! Do I just boil them? How long?

I'm almost embarrassed to hit publish on this one, but I will, in hopes that you can give me some tips!! (Any websites or books that you'd recommend?)

Happy birthday!

I've been meaning for a while to figure out the date when Ant would be out of me for as long as he was in - just calculated it this morning, and it turns out it was this past Sunday, May 20th. Happy 2X birthday, kiddo! (I can't believe it's been that long already - I feel like he was just born yesterday!)