I told.

Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences. And for telling me not to worry if I don't see a heartbeat next week. I really appreciate your feedback and honesty. Sniff. I'm going to cry now.

M and I had a good conversation about whether to tell or not when I got home yesterday - he basically said along the same lines as what many of you had said - that if something does go wrong, we don't want to have to untell too many people. So I'm telling the people that I've been leaning on throughout this year, and would need to lean on even more if something did go wrong. I think that as Rebecca and Laurie said, I'd like them to share in the good news, even if it doesn't last.

So anyway, I called my college friend and told her. I'm so glad I did. She was so obviously happy for me. And she said the sweetest thing - that just this morning, in her prayers, she had made a bargain with God, that it was okay if she took a while to get pregnant (she just started trying this month), just as long as it happened for me soon. (Let's not get into the naivete of that statement - she does get that it's not as easy as it seems). I was so touched by that. Made me teary.

At the moment I'm feeling a little bit hungrier than normal, a little bit of tenderness in my chestage area (can't quite call it cleavage), and I think I'm hiccuping a bit more than is usual for me, but that's about it. I'm seriously considering either peeing on another OPK, or going out to buy another HPT. Just to make sure. (So far my count is two HPT's and one OPK).

(I also need to quit with the parenthetical statements!)

To tell, or not to tell?

I have always thought that when I was pregnant, I would tell family members right away. I'm very close with my mom and sister, and can't imagine not telling them. In fact, my sister knew before anyone else, even M, coz I tested at her house. We told my in-laws at their house on Christmas Eve, and my mom and her husband at our house Christmas Day. And I told you guys, of course!

The question is, tell other people or not. I have a few very good friends whom I've kept in the loop through all my ups and downs, and I want to tell them. I know that it's early, and we don't know that everything is okay yet (although signs are looking good - cramping has almost disappeared, and I imagine that if it were an ectopic pregnancy that they would continue to get worse). But I feel perfectly okay with telling people whose support I would want in case everything didn't go well. My best friend from high school, from college, and a select other few that have been my pillars as I've gone through treatment.

M, on the other hand, doesn't want to tell anyone else. "It's awfully early", he says. I don't yet understand exactly why he feels this way. I told him this morning that I wanted to tell my college friend, and he seemed quite set against it. We were IM'ing about it, and that wasn't really getting anywhere, so we're going to discuss when I get home.

What do you think? If you've been through it and told people early, were you glad you did afterwards or not?

u/s scheduled for next Friday at 3pm. According to my calculations, I'll be 5w6d then, so hopefully we'll see a heartbeat!!!

First few weeks

I haven't been able to write long posts over the last couple of days because I haven't really known what to say. Mostly because I still don't quite believe that it's true. But also, as so many others have said, because now this blog has to change a little bit. I do have a lot of thoughts tumbling around in my head though, so I'm going to try and put them to computer so I don't forget.

I noticed some mild cramping right around 7-9 dpo, I'm guessing that was from implantation. Had never felt anything like it with my IUIs. Then the cramps started up again about four days ago, and I've had them on and off ever since. More on the right side than on the left. That, along with my relatively high betas (well outside the range for the dpo I'm on), makes me wonder about an ectopic pregnancy. I'm trying not to worry, as there's nothing I can do about it. But glad I'll have an u/s next week. Also wondering about twins. Or more. Gulp.

The other things I noticed last week before I tested - my legs were really tired when I played hockey. I always imagined that when people said you would feel more tired when exercising that it was tired of the winded type. But my wind was fine, my legs just started screaming at me much sooner than I was used to. Then, after I played hockey, I actually felt cold in the shower where I always had felt hot before. I have read that when you're pregnant your body is better at getting rid of heat - which led to a fleeting thought that I might be.... I also had a dream that I was pregnant. In the dream, I figured it out because my nipp1es started cracking and bleeding and when I took my bra off it was lightly bloody all over, as if I'd scraped all the skin off. That's a new pregnancy symptom to me, but in my dream it made all the sense in the world. And I noticed it was a lot more slippery when I was inserting my pussaries (sorry for TMI).

Since we found out, M has been joking that I'm really pumping out the BTU's. He's really cold in bed when I get up in the morning, because his heat source has disappeared. And I'm starting to get the good old boob soreness. No nausea yet, although I'm finding that sweet things are not as appealing. Give me salt!

I played hockey again this morning. I have been told that it's okay to play through the first trimester, and I'm hoping that my body will let me know if I shouldn't be playing. I felt better this morning than I did last week, hopefully that's a good sign.

NBHHY!

Beta #2 = 823. Doubling time of 37 hours. Ultrasound in 7-10 days. Off to see Narnia!

Wow.

I still don't quite believe it. Just got my first beta results - 344! It's all feeling quite surreal. I wonder when I'm going to wake up.

Thank you so much for all your excitement for me!!!

Shock and awe.

Agonized for a while last night over whether to test or not. Decided that I was starting to imagine too many symptoms, so I should just do it, get my negative, and move on.

I was still a little nervous when I peed on the stick this morning. Turned it over and watched the color creep up. And then, to my complete shock, there were TWO lines. Unmistakeably.

I was actually down at my sister's house (my weekly jaunt to visit her and my niece) - when I came out of the bathroom with a big shit-eating grin on my face, she knew right away.

I wish I had waited to test when M was around! It just didn't occur to me that it truly would be positive. So I told him when I got home. I think he was just as shocked as me - given our four failed IUIs, we both thought that it was impossible.

But no, every time I go back and check the stick, there are still two lines there.

Yup. Still two lines.

Update - just heard back from the RE's office - beta's tomorrow and Monday. I'm a bit surprised, given that this was a natural cycle, but I'm not going to say no!

I caved.

I bought a 2-pack of HPTs today. I was seriously considering doing it on Tuesday, but made myself drive by the pharmacy. But today I was already in the store... so I couldn't help myself.

I can't decide if I want to use one in the morning (which will be 13dpo) or not.

My heart, which thinks there is a possibility that I might actually be pregnant (wierd crampy things going on down there from 7-9dpo) is saying YES, DO IT!!!

My head, on the other hand, is telling me to stay the fuck away from the evil sticks (no other "symptoms" whatsoever). At least wait until Monday.

I think it was a sorry day for the mental state of an infertile when HPTs, particularly those that let you test early, were invented.

I can't stand the suspense!

(Sidebar - I almost left my entire order at the checkout - first I was in line behind a woman who had two separate orders, and had to try about fifteen methods of payment for each. After the checker had to call a supervisor to help, I went to the self checkout line. There needs to be a minimum IQ requirement on those, I tell you. I was behind three people, all of whom did.not.get.it. I finally snagged an open register; a woman WITH ONE ITEM whom I had been behind took longer to scan that ONE ITEM than it took me to do my entire basket of ten. ARGH!!! Probably didn't help that I am in a state of extreme frustration this week - my boss, my MIL, inconsiderate hockey people...)

The key to getting pregnant.... NOT!

I'm posting this while travelling on a highway at... well let's just say highway speeds. M just got Verizon broadband access, which basically lets you access the internet on your laptop wherever you get a cell phone signal. How cool is that?

What's not so cool - we're on our way home from a Christmas party. I knew that there would be one "Oops" pregnant woman there. I was hoping that she wouldn't have come, but no such luck. But it didn't stop there. Oh no. Not just one pregnant woman. Not two. Not even three. Four of them!!!

And THREE of them were 'accidental'. Two of the couples weren't even engaged when they got pregnant.

I was actually doing okay with all that. Until one of them started telling me about how the key to getting pregnant is obviously not to be trying. She has a coworker who was trying for three years, broke her wrist so couldn't work and decided to stop trying for a little while, and whammo - she got pregnant. And since three of the four women there who were pregnant hadn't been trying, that must be it.

Now why the fuck didn't I think of that?

SNOW SCRAPER

A couple of Sundays ago, it snowed significantly for the first time. I had a cake to make for afternoon tea with family friends, a baby shower to attend, the afternoon tea, and a hockey game. Busy day! In the course of which, I forgot to put my snow scraper into my car. Fortunately I didn’t need it, but I joked with M how in classic Nico style, I had forgotten about it.

The next evening, we were out somewhere, and he asked me if I had remembered the snow scraper yet. I hadn’t. He was totally shocked, as he had left it propped up against the door to the garage, right in front of my nose. I guess I wasn’t expecting it to be there, so I just didn’t see it. He couldn’t believe I was so unobservant.

I got home later than him again the following day. Opened the door to the garage, went to turn on the light, and ran across a Post-It note with “SNOW SCRAPER” written on it. So I looked down, saw the scraper, and put it in my car.

As I walked up the stairs, there was another note “SNOW SCRAPER” on the hand rail, on the bottom step, on a step half way up, and on the door to the house. By the time I saw the last one, I was laughing hysterically. He really wanted to make sure that I didn’t forget!

I continued finding the notes for the rest of the night – on the light switch for the kitchen, on my bottle of milk, the Tupperware container with my cake in it, the remote control, the stairs to the second floor, the bathroom sink, the alarm clock, my sock drawer…

And that's why I love him :-)

I'm not broken!

I really think I did actually ovulate. Amazing! Two days of + OPKs, the third day was negative, and the next day my temperature skyrocketed (98.5!). Even if nothing comes of it (which is the outcome I'm expecting, although obviously not the one I'm hoping for), it's still so nice to have my hormones somewhat back on track.

I've spent the weekend mulling over what might have done it, and come up with three possibilities:

1. My system was "kick-started" by the gonadotropins.

2. Acupuncture (been going weekly)

3. Not stepping on a scale for three weeks (until this morning), and gaining an extra 4 pounds:-p

And then there's always the theory propounded by someone whom I excitedly told about my ovaries' achievements:

4. Not so "tense".

hahahahhaha. I love that one. It boggles my mind. It is so completely illogical - why on earth would I have been "tense" when I first went off the pill? I had no reason to suspect there would be a problem. WHY do so many people think that all you have to do is "relax" to get pregnant??? I don't know many people (if any) who are not happy and excited and imagine they'll get pregnant in the first few months, when they first start trying. So why is it that after a year, two years, three..., all of a sudden relaxing is suppose to help?

Mary has been Hailed! ....Maybe.

*update* test line still way darker than control line this morning, temp lower again (yesterday was 97.8, this morning 97.3), so I think that confusion is gone at least. As Molly said, humping like monkeys ;-) Thanks for all your reassurance! *end update*

Quick post, must run to the dentist for a filling ;-(

Peed on the OPK this morning - the test line was WAY darker than the control line. Holy crap!

My temperature was also way up.

Does that mean that I ovulated and we fricking missed it? I had only been peeing on the sticks every other day to conserve them, because honestly I really didn't think it would happen.

Does the LH go back down again after you've actually ovulated, or does it stay up? This is completely new to me!!!

We had a quickie this morning before I went to play hockey. Will try again tonight...

(BTW, today is CD40!)

Hurdles, jumped.

Went to IVF class today. It was boring and pointless. They didn't show us how to do the IM shots, they have an online tutorial for that. It was to go over the various medications, what to expect from retrieval and transfer, blah, blah, blah. Did not learn one thing that I hadn't already learned from reading the blogs of you wonderful ladies who have gone before me. So that was a waste of time.

Then, off to the social worker. She wanted to make sure we'd thought about how many embryos to put back... would we be willing to do selective reduction... what would we do if IVF didn't work... how we have different coping strategies... what would we do with any left over embryos... I felt a bit like when we had to go to pre-Cana before getting married. Definitely all stuff that one should talk about before IVF / marriage... but we're good at the communication part. Didn't need her help with that. Haven't had a fight yet in 6.5 years of marriage / 8 years together.

But no matter. It's done. All of it. So now we just have to wait for insurance approval, then we can get started! Unfortunately I think it's going to be longer than I was expecting, unless I get my new insurance info before the new year - apparently it takes two weeks to get the insurance approval, then the doctors meet to decide your treatment plan, THEN you can get started. With the bcp. I'm *hoping* that if I'm already on the pill I can just start with the Lupron once they have the plan, but not holding my breath.

I had thought we'd do retrieval / transfer mid January. Now it looks like it won't be until some time in February. More waiting. Sigh.

Over the shoulder boulder holders...

Baby shower table conversation:

"While I run my bath, I often clean the bathroom. In the nude - you know, I'm waiting to hop in the tub. So I'll clean the sink, or the mirror... This one time, I was cleaning the floor, so I had my scale up on the toilet. I looked at my boobs, looked at the scale, looked at my boobs again, and thought, let's see just how much these suckers weigh. So I did. One of them was eight pounds, the other was nine!!! No wonder my shoulders hurt! I could have a breast reduction and lose fifteen pounds!"

I almost died laughing. The key to baby shower survival.

ramblings and runarounds

Haven't been updating much, because not much is going on. Haven't been commenting much on your blogs because I've actually been pretty swamped at work. Trying to get a bunch of reports finished before the end of the year so I can get a nice bonus / raise for having accomplished everything I said I would do. In a way it's nice because it keeps my mind off the waiting etc. I am still reading and thinking of y'all though!

In cycle related news, I actually had my first natural ewcm yesterday. So we took advantage. It was kinda fun - our first opportunity to actually try the way most people do. Sort of. Of course my OPK sticks still barely show a second line, but I enjoyed the pretense.

I've also gone back to my ice hockey team. I had decided when the season started that I wasn't going to play this year - I had gotten so incredibly frustrated with the coach over the past couple of years. But I had been hearing that he was doing things a bit differently this year, and I missed my teammates. So I started practicing with them again on Saturday. It was a really good practice - he actually did drills that I felt were helpful to ME, which is one of the things I felt was lacking last year. Fun! Of course, since I wasn't playing with them I joined another team that plays games Sunday nights, with practices every other Wednesday, and I've also been playing Tues/Thurs mornings before work, so now I'm probably skating a bit too much. I'll have skated every day from last Sat until this coming Thurs, then again Sat and Sun. But since I've decided that it's really not the exercise that is causing my hypothalamic amenorrhea, I decided to screw cutting back, until my IVF starts I'm going to be an ice hockey whore! I think doing something I enjoy in my spare time is really the best way to make it fly by.

I've been trying to get reimbursed for the drugs from my last 2.5 cycles that I paid for myself. What a nightmare of bureacracy! My first couple of orders were submitted to my insurance, but then the pharmacy people told me that my insurance only covered mail order pharmacies, of which they weren't one, so I'd have to pay for it myself. So I did, for $2300 worth of meds. Come to find out after I'd paid for all that, looking at my insurance website, that they DID in fact cover the meds. So then begins the runaround. I call the pharmacy. They tell me to call the insurance. I call the insurance. They tell me to call the prescription plan people. Who tell me to call the insurance because they didn't cover it, it was covered as a medical something or other. So I call the insurance, who tell me that the pharmacy has to reimburse me, then submit the claim to insurance again. The pharmacy tells me they'll look into it. Then they tell me they can't do it. Then they tell me they can't do it because the federal government would see it as them double billling me and they would get in trouble??? Then I get a supervisor who tells me that in fact they have two *separate* pharmacies, one for insurance pay and one for self pay, and ne'er the twain shall meet. I have to call the insurance and get a claim form and submit directly to them. Fine. I call insurance *again*. The guy I talk to thinks I'm telling him that they need to get the check that they wrote to the pharmacy refunded. Dimwit. I finally get him to understand what I'm looking to do, and he finally points me to the correct claim form.

Whew!

Now we just have to see what happens when I submit it. I'm not terribly hopeful that it will go through without another multitude of hours on the phone. What a pain in the ass!

Are we part of the problem?

A friend of mine asked me the following question the other day:

While you are waiting for time to pass, I thought I'd bring up one more sensitive issue. Can you comment on this?http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2005/11/16/gree.DTLYou see, it's not a topic I've seen covered much on infertility blogs. I've seen one or two blogs where the author said she thought overpopulation would cause humans to go extinct but she still wanted her baby. It didn't make sense to me. I can understand if people don't agree with the basic premise and think the planet is doing OK, but not those who agree and basically just want what everyone else has.I have to say, if infertility gave me one thing, it is an understanding of how we as a species got ourselves into this mess of overpopulation. I know first hand how strong the urge to reproduce is. It is primal.

My response:

My take on it is that while I do think that we need to work on ways to use less of the world's resources, I totally don't buy the idea that we do not belong here. Yes, the world would be different without humans, but why the automatic assumption that it would be better? Why do the other species in the world have more right to it than we do? I guess you could argue because other species aren't the cause of mass extiction, but I think extinction is a natural process. Plenty of examples of species that went extinct before humans were around. And before we had all this technology at our disposal. Nature is a very fluid thing, and highly adaptable. And if we do cause a global apocalypse, whether through overcrowding or through being stupid and blowing ourselves up, I firmly believe that something else will rise from those ashes. Different, probably. But not any better or worse. And it may take millions of years to undo whatever mess we make. But that time certainly exists. How long did it take for the planet to come back after the dinosaurs were wiped out? A long long time!

What makes my existence palatable and meaningful is the relationships I have with other people. I have no illusions about leaving a legacy, making my mark on the world, blah blah blah. I want to squeeze the most happiness out of the time that I am around to enjoy it. That definitely involves having children and grandchildren (whether my own or adopted). And I'd rather have my own if I can. I like my genes, and my husband's. Selfish? Undoubtedly. But who else am I supposed to be thinking of?

I guess in a way I'm a fatalist. If overcrowding is going to cause the end of the human species, so be it. That's the way nature has always worked. I don't see the reason to deny myself something that will make me happy for the good of the species. I'm not a species, I'm an individual. I don't believe in any kind of life after death. So once I'm gone, I'm gone. No reason for me to care about what happens beyond that.

(I'll post her response back to me in the comments so this doesn't get too long.) What do you think? Have you thought about this at all while going through treatments?

I'm at a loss...

It just gets better and better. Not only do we have to see a social worker before doing IVF at our clinic, we have to pay $200 for the privilege! That is so completely fucked up. I do not want to see a social worker, I do not need to see a social worker, I'm anticipating that it will be a complete waste of time, and now I have to pay for it????

Honestly, it's (among other things...) making me seriously consider changing clinics. What's holding me back is my impression that it will add even further to the amount of time we have to wait, because I've heard that they will want to redo all the testing. Have you switched clinics? Is it true that they will want their own CD3 blood tests etc. etc.?

Triple fast-forward

I wish life were like Tivo. You could triple fast forward through the boring parts. I'm not looking forward to the holidays. I'm not looking foward to anything except getting through the next two months as quickly as possible. If only I could hibernate! Instead, I'm plodding through each day just waiting for it to end so that I can get to the next one. And the one after that. Even though I do enjoy some of the things I do (like visiting a friend down in DC the past couple of days), the fact that I have to wait wait wait is always in the back of my mind.

About.

Found this at Nicole's, after checking out her ring. Thought it was fun! No tag, but if you'd like to join in, please do!

Accent: Generic American (northeast? But definitely not boston), with a little something odd thrown in – every now and again, someone picks up on the South African in me
Bra size: Well, I used to be a B, until I went to Gap Body and found out I’m a miserly A. Ha!
Chore I hate: Laundry. So M does it for me!
Dad's name: Anthony, but pronounced Antony. What we’ll name a son if we have one.
Essential make-up: NONE! I don’t buy into the ‘you must wear make-up to be beautiful’ mantra.
Favorite perfume: Don’t wear any. But I love Obsession and Drakar on a guy. (That kinda dates me, doesn’t it!)
Gold or Silver: Gold. Silver just doesn’t look right on me.
Hometown: Born in Pretoria, South Africa. Formative years in a chi-chi town west of Boston. ;-p
Interesting fact: I have hiccupped every day for the past sixteen years. Not kidding. Only one-three hiccups at a time, a few times a day.
Job title: Scientist I. How boring!
Kids: None :-( But I have names! Antony George, for a boy, or Tabitha Rose for a girl.
Living arrangements: Nice little three bedroom garrison colonial. We were lucky enough to find new construction in our price range! (Okay, a little outside, but we manage).
Mom's Birthplace: South Africa.
Number of apples eaten in last week: None. Number of apples eaten in entire life? About 0.5. I can’t stand fruits. Any of them. And I don’t eat many vegetables either!
Overnight hospital stays: 1 – after a car accident. I skidded into oncoming traffic in my three-month-old Miata. Totalled my car and one other, $5K damage to a third. Hospitalized for three days (which I don’t remember at all) with a major concussion, stitches next to my eye from the window, and a broken collar bone. If it weren’t for my seat belt and air bag, I wouldn’t be here.
Phobia: Nothing major. Although flying insects make me squeamish. And eating disgusting things, aka Fe@r F@ctor
Question you ask yourself a lot: Do they know that I have them all fooled?
Religious affiliation: None. Agnostic. I believe in a higher power, but not as circumscribed by official religions.
Siblings: One younger sister. Of whom I am deathly jealous at the moment.
Time I wake up: Varies – 5:20 on mornings when I have hockey, 6:00 if I’m going to the gym, or a leisurely 7:30 just to go to work. And around 10 on the weekends.
Unnatural hair color: Mostly blonde.
Vegetable I refuse to eat: There are a lot of veggies I don’t like. Lettuce probably one of the worse ones. I absolutely WILL NOT eat a banana though. Grosss. Epitomizes everything I don’t like about fruits and veggies!
Worst habit: Staying up WAY too late at night.
X-rays: Not too many. Leg, when my dad broke it when I was three (inadvertently! And I got a cool new pair of shoes out of it). Collar bone from aforementioned accident. I assume. HSG – does that count? Various teeth. Oh, and I had my lungs x-rayed once to check for TB ‘cause I get a positive on the stupid skin test every time.
Yummy food I make: Mmmmm…. Cake…..
Zodiac sign: Aquarius

I get to POAS!

My pre-IVF consult last week was somewhat frustrating, as you might have gathered from my top ten list. I did actually end up getting most of my questions answered, but getting a word in edgewise with Dr. Conveyor was tricky!

I learned that I will be taking Lupron because despite my body's apparent inability to make my own FSH/LH etc., they have seen cases where women with hypothalamic amenorrhea do start making them during treatment, thus interfering with what they're trying to do. So it's really a case of 'better safe than sorry'.

Because our sperm quality is borderline, they will determine whether to do ICSI or not on the day of fertilization. They'll look at the numbers and morphology in that sample, and decide based on that. I didn't realize that they could / would look at the morphology on the day, as they didn't for the IUI's. So that's nice to know.

I don't have many additional things to do before getting started - they told me I'd need an AF (antral follicle) scan on day 3, plus Dr. Conveyor wanted to get updated numbers for a lot of my hormones, so blood draw for that. No HSC because my uterus looked normal on the HSG I had earlier in the year (I'm not entirely clear on the difference between the two procedures, except that it sounds like the HSC doesn't involve radiation 'cause they would do it right at their office). Mock transfer and PAP scheduled for Tuesday afternoon. And then we have the IVF class and meeting with the social worker. That will be interesting. I'll have to convince M not to be a pain in the ass. 'Cause under most circumstances on a visit with a social-worker like person he totally would be.

Other things I learned - they prefer to do day 5 transfers, so will wait for that depending on embryo number / quality (although I did not find out what criteria they use to determine). If there are signs of OHSS they will freeze the embryos and do a transfer the following cycle, as OHSS without pregnancy resolves fairly quickly on its own. I do still need to ask what happens if you only have one embryo that makes it to day 5. I'd be so afraid that it wouldn't make it through the freeze / thaw - I'd almost rather get OHSS. What do you think?

And, of course, they use PIO rather than suppositories. In their experience it works better. I guess I can't argue with that, much as I want to. I know that plenty of you have used PIO and it's not that bad, but I'm going to have to do it myself at least half the time as M travels for work. And it is going to take a lot of mental courage screwing to do that.

You've probably been reading through this going "get to the POAS bit, damn you!". I love a little suspense every now and again!

I get to POAS (an ovulation predictor)because I don't, after all, have to be on the pill right away. The nurse had told me that they didn't want to do my AF scan now because it might be affected by having been on injectables last cycle. Of course that wasn't the impression I got from Conveyor, and that's part of the reason I was hating on the nurse in my last post. When I called earlier this week to confirm which it was, she told me that in fact I don't need any AF scan at all - their policies have just changed and if you already have one from an earlier cycle, they can use that. So I don't have to take bcp until December.

And that makes me feel better. So much better. Because although the chances of my actually ovulating on my own are slim to none, slim IS in town. And having that miniscule chance means that I can do something (i.e. use the fertility monitor a friend gave me at the beginning of the year). And whether it is futile or not, I far prefer doing something to just sitting on my hands for the next two months. When I go on the bcp in December it will be in preparation for IVF, which is doing something. This month I would just be passing time. And that sucked.

Top ten things I HATE

1. I hate the Crimson Bitch, Aunt Flo, Maroon 5... by any name.
2. I hate that none of my "friends" who know what's going on with me ever call to ask how I'm doing.
3. I hate that my sister had an easy time getting pregnant, an easy pregnancy, an easy delivery - I feel like that means ALL of it is going to suck for me.
4. I hate that I feel that way.
5. I hate that I'm always the one to call my friends to get together, they never call ME.
6. I hate stupid nurses who don't understand my situation and tell me that if I wanted to do another IUI I wouldn't be able to do IVF until March. Idiot.
7. I hate doctors with a set spiel who leave no space between their sentences for me to ask qusetions.
8. I hate that we have to see a social worker before we can do IVF, because M hates it.
9. I hate that despite all the support I get from you guys, I still feel so lonely
10. Did I say that I hate the Crimson Bitch?