13 weeks.

I would have been 13 weeks tomorrow. Which means that everyone who is due around when I was is now announcing their pregnancies. I absolutely do not begrudge a single one of them. But I'm finding it a lot harder than I thought I would to say "congratulations". I want to say that I was supposed to have a baby then too. But then I don't know if that's raining on their parade and I should just say congrats and be done with it.

In many ways I'm sadder now than I was when we first found out. Then we had to deal with the logistics. Now I'm just waiting. And thinking.

Update (too tired to think of anything better)

My internet cheapies finally arrived, of course I couldn't WAIT to marry stick with pee. I don't know why I was so excited, really no result is a good one. But nonetheless, I hopped up on that cup as soon as I could manage. I was surprised that I didn't see a hint of a second line as the stick got wet, so I left it for a couple of minutes while I dealt with dinner. Came back and there was the faintest of faint second lines, definitely of the million suns variety. So my beta is probably in the neighborhood of 20-ish, as that's the sensitivity of the test. so that's not too bad. I'll be interested to see how long it takes to become undetecable. I'll probably test every day since I now have 25 tests, and who doesn't like a good morning pee-on-a-stick?

In other news, as my hormones have normalized, my tummy has gone down a bit, and I've lost most of the weight I had gained, so I'm feeling much better about myself. Still have the zits, but that's an ongoing problem (which it turns out maybe be caused by all the skim milk I drink). So all in all feeling a little better.

One thing that has really been bugging me is in regards to a woman who I had thought of as a friend. She is DH's best friend's wife. DH told his friend both about the pregnancy and when we lost Schweffel. I was a bit sad when she didn't call me at the good news, but whatever. But when she didn't call after the bad, I realized that in fact she is not my friend after all. Which sucks. I saw her today at an Eclipse trip organized by another mutual friend. She did apologize for not calling, but said, "I meant to call. But life got in the way". Seriously???? You couldn't fucking find five minutes to pick up the phone and see how I was doing? Never mind that when she was going through IF, and had an early m/c I was calling her ALL the time. With TWO kids AND working part time, where she's a SAHM with ONE. Give me a fucking break.

can I get some cheese with that whine?

I got a call from my doc on Thursday, saying that the pathology report was back and this time they did find fetal tissue. So that at least is good (seems like genetic analysis will happen after all). And I had a little bleeding on Monday but not much, but it picked up again on Wednesday and seemed kinda like period bleeding, so I'm thinking that's a good sign too. She said based on that, no more betas... but I ordered some internet cheapies so that I can see if in fact it does get back to undetectable at some point. Theoretically a dose of 10,000 units of hcg is out of your system in 7-10 days, so I'm thinking that my beta should be undectable probably in around 11-12, although it does seem that there are some tissue reserves that are left behind so that it can take a bit longer.

Emotionally I'm doing alright. despite the fact that I feel okay most of the time, I have a really hard time telling anyone who doesn't know already. And I also am feeling really crappy in general because I totally still look like I'm pg (I have an abdominal muscle separation from Ant and Timmy, so I pop really early) - I have never had a small waist, but it already had gone from 29.5 to 32 inches... and so now none of my clothes fit and I just feel gross. It's very different when you can rationalize it because you have a baby in there versus just looking fat. And I know that probably no-one notices but me (although I few coworkers I told about my loss told me they were beginning to wonder, so it's really not just me but I try and make myself feel better by telling myself that it is). And on top of that my skin is being really crappy now, so in general I'm just feeling really really unattractive, again not that anyone really cares, but it's just one more thing to add to the pile of crap, you know? It sucks. Also because not only had I already gained a couple of pounds while pg, but a few more since that (I am not one to quit eating when I'm sad about something, unfortunately). And of course, I'm worried that it's going to take me forever to start cycling again. Also, stupid, I know, but I can't help it. Sigh.

sorry to be so whiny about such miniscule things, but that's where I'm at right now.

D&C part deux.

Today was harder for me that last week. I went to the L&D floor in the hospital (which is where I spent yesterday afternoon) instead of the day surgery unit. Fortunately I didn't see anyone in labor, but still, being there was just a little bitter.

It was a little more private and quiet, which was nice. Last week we got to listen to a teenage boy and his anesthesiologist arguing about which form of anesthesia was best.

My right arm is still bruised from last week's IV, so I asked the nurse to put it into my left. She did not do a great job, it was probably the most painful needle stick I've ever had (and I have had a LOT, as has anyone who's gone through IF treatments). And I have *huge* veins, seriously 1/4 inch in diameter if not slightly more. So really, how tough can it be? Anyway, the pain, although it really wasn't that bad, just got to me. I found myself thinking, "I really do not want to be here again". And I just couldn't stop myself from crying. At first it was just a few tears slipping out, and I asked the nurse if she could go and get DH, by the time he came in I was full out bawling. And of course that was right when the nurses were switching over so both of them were in the room too. Very sympathetic, but sometimes you just want to cry in private.

I managed to pull myself together eventually, and then the parade of doctors started. I met interns, more nurses, residents, the anesthesia resident and attending, the OB attending and fellow - Mark was calling it the DisneyWorld approach, where every few minutes they have someone else come in to break the tedium and make you feel like you're getting somewhere, just like the videos and things to look at when you're in line in DW. I thought it was quite an apt comparison!

We did make sure to ask what they were going to do to make absolutely sure they would get everything. They were all quite apologetic that it didn't work the first time, and said they'd be using ultrasound to guide them. Mark did ask about a hysteroscopy as that was what finally got everything cleared out for a friend who also had multiple D&C's, but they said there was too much tissue and would be bleeding so an internal camera wouldn't actually be that helpful. Made sense.

They let me walk back to the OR, although I couldn't get up onto the table until the brought over a stool, it was so high! At that point they started the IV meds, and once again, next thing I knew I was coming back into the room to meet M. Once again, none of the OBs who actually did the procedure stopped by to see me (that annoyed me last time too and I will definitely be speaking to MY OB about it when I see her next), but she did at least stop by and see Mark. She told him they were cleaning me up, and that my uterus was much more upright than normal, which made for quite a difficult procedure, and explained why they didn't get everything the last time. I suppose some explanation is better than none.

I really really really do not want to do this a third time, so I hope that they really did get everything.

Nico = 0, Doctors = 14,500.

My beta today was 14,500. So much for my pretty little graph.

I was lucky in that I hardly had to wait at all for the ultrasound, they had told me it could be as long as a couple of hours. It felt weird to be wheeled down to u/s on a gurney when I'm perfectly capable of walking, but whatever.

The u/s tech started by looking at my kidneys, then bladder, then went to my uterus. I could see a little bit of what was going on on the screen, and it totally looked to me like there was still something in there. I asked, and she agreed (even though I guess they're not supposed to give you "results".) She then went to the vaginal u/s, but had the screen so I couldn't see anything. I guess probably because it might be somewhat disturbing. We chatted quite a bit about all kinds of things, and in the course of that, she mentioned that it basically looked like they D&C had done absolutely nothing. Lovely.

She went out after that to talk to the doc or one of her colleagues, and I sat up and took a peek at the screen. The first few pictures looked like a perfectly formed fetus to me, all curled up in 'fetal' position and everything. And yes, it was disturbing. Of course I couldn't resist taking another look just to make myself feel worse, and then realized, duh, that it was actually the kidney pictures I was looking at. They really did look remarkably like an embryo! The vaginal u/s pictures were actually on pages 2/3 of the pics, and I didn't want to get into trouble for scrolling to those. So I just satisfied myself with her interpretation.

went back to L&D after that to talk about what next. They scheduled me for another D&C and gave me a prescription for misoprostol as well because I wasn't sure if I wanted to give that a shot, since obviously the D&C didn't work. After talking to a few people on my ride home, including a friend who had both a natural m/c after one pg, tried the misprostol which didn't work and ended up with a D&C after another, and recalling JV's comments about her natural m/c, I did decide to try the D&C again. I will make sure not to leave the hospital until they have shown me an ultrasound picture of my uterus with nothing in it! I know that's not a guarantee, but it will certainly be better than the last attempt.

Maybe that's why I felt absolutely no side effects from that!

In which I know more than the doctors?

Spoke to the on-call OB doc this morning. He said that my beta was 19,000, which he was saying was really high compared with my previous numbers of ~300 and ~600. So they want me to come in for an u/s before Monday. I reminded him that, um, the 300 and 600 were for my previous pregnancies, at 14 and 15dpo repectively, so not really a good baseline to use. dumbass.

Anyway, because they didn't take a beta at all this pg, and he seems to think 19K is high (although Dr. Google says the range for 9-12 weeks is 25,500 to 288,000 so 19,000 doesn't seem so high to me for only 4 days past D&C. I've seen estimates from 12-36 hours for the half-life of hcg), and he said that it is quite unusual not to get any 'products' from a D&C at this stage, he seemed to fall quite firmly in the 'they did not get everything' camp.

I dunno. I just found an article that looked at hcg levels post misoprostol/mifepristone termination, with a nice pretty graph and it seems to me my numbers are right in line with the average there. I wouldn't think there would be a big difference in hcg decline post medical vs. surgical termination.

Anyhoo, more b/w and an u/s tomorrow. I think I should be happy that they're being proactive, but it seems a bit like premature proactivity to me. Guess we'll find out.

Aftermath

I really was doing okay most of this week. Physically I still felt absolutely fine (although mildly nauseous Wednesday night and I went to bed at 8pm which never happens). Emotionally I did feel a bit numb, except when I told a friend at work whom I had told about the pg the week before. I was bawling in her office. Which in a way made me feel better as I hadn't cried at all since leaving the doctor's office on Friday. It's fairly easy to tell people via the sterile medium of the internet, but actually saying it out loud was hard. Really hard.

Then my doctor's office called today to say that the pathology report had come back, and they were unable to identify any "products of conception". The docs had spoken to the OB who did the D&C and she was surprised as she was sure they had gotten everything. And they're not overly concerned about retained 'products' as I'm feeling totally normal. But, they wanted me to come in for a beta, and probably a few more over the next few weeks, to make sure that it is decreasing appropriately.

Honestly, I have almost found this news harder to take than even the initial shock of seeing that Schweffel had no heartbeat. I know so many people who have had miscarriages, from chemicals to well into the second trimester that it was not a shock to me. I wasn't expecting the baby to be dead, but I wasn't NOT expecting it either. So yeah, it sucked, but in a way I had prepared myself for it. This, though, hadn't even crossed my mind. No genetic testing, no finding out the baby's gender (did my following the chinese calendar for the girl I would love to have work?), no nothing.

I had imagined myself getting a sense of closure from the results. Now I have no evidence whatsoever that there was a baby inside me. Two positive pregnancy tests which I threw out because they were getting nasty looking (I did at least take a picture), and one ultrasound that I didn't even get a picture from. I DID see a baby there, I DID. But there's nothing left, not even a few chromosomes. Oh yeah and I have a lovely beer gut too. I had convinced myself that it was getting smaller but really that was just wishful thinking.

I'm trying really hard to avoid thinking about worst case scenarios (and based on things some of my friends have gone through like two rounds of misoprostol followed by three D&C's, I can come up with some doozies.) It's hard to be optimistic though. I guess that's what this news has taken away from me. I was lucky enough to get pregnant on our first cycle trying this time. So I was imagining that I would be pregnant again in the near enough future. Now I can't even think about that because I feel like there are too many hurdles to overcome. I know I'm being a little melodramatic but I really do feel like I've been punched in the gut after just having had surgery.

Surreality

D&C is done. And I feel the same as I did before. No cramping, no pain, really nothing to tell my mind that it's over. There is a little blood, I suppose that's something, but I still just can't wrap my mind around it. I haven't even really cried about it today.

I was planning on writing one of my usual rundowns of exactly what happened, but there really isn't much to tell. They stuck an IV in me in pre-op (we were amazed how many people were there at 6 in the morning!), asked me a bunch of questions about allergies, previous medical history, etc., discussed the anesthesia plans with me (MAC - monitor and something I forget now), and then wheeled me into the OR. We were talking about playing ice hockey and skating, and that's the last thing I remember until I woke up as they were wheeling me into recovery. I just felt like I'd had a nice nap. And that was it. I had to drink something, pee, and then could go home.

I made DH stop at TJ's on the way home to get some cinnamon buns for lunch.

More details on Schweffel's demise.

When I went into the ultrasound room the tech first looked at my uterus, and I saw flashes of something inside there, then checked my ovaries (I was thinking that the pic was so much less clear than when we were going through treatments, but realize now that's because this was an abdominal u/s).

She then moved on to the baby. I didn't notice at the time that there was no movement. What I did see was no heartbeat. She switched on the view where you can see blood flow, and I didn't realize at the time that there was no blood flow in schweffel either. Mine around the uterus was there, but nothing going inside. She did a few measurements of the crown-rump length, and I noticed that the calculation said 8w6d... then said she had to go and get the doctor.

I choked up a little and said, "I didn't see a heartbeat, did you?". She responded, "No, I'm sorry". Handed me a box of tissues, and said I should wait there a few minutes while she got the doctor. I started to text DH but then thought, what am I thinking, and just called him. It was so hard to tell him, definite waterworks. He asked if he should come in, I said I didn't know, and he said he was on his way. Such a sweetheart.

The doc came in and mentioned that I had asked the u/s tech about the h/b. I told him this was my third pregnancy so I knew what I was looking for. Poor guy, he tried so hard to be diplomatic in asking me what happened in the other two pg. He was really sensitive about it, I have heard stories from my friends about much more callous doctors and nurses, but they were both great. as can be in that situation I suppose. He did confirm no heartbeat, and that the dating was not too far off where I was supposed to be, so Schweffel probably died within the last week or so.

Which is interesting because I finally started feeling queasy through most of the day middle of last week, but that disappeared again earlier this week. Timing was probably not coincidental.

I met with my doc after that, and she talked to me about the options - waiting for a natural miscarriage, taking drugs to induce one, or a D&C. I told her I was pretty sure I was leaning towards a D&C, we were in the midst of talking about that when DH arrived. I asked if we could have a few minutes, she very quickly got up and said, "Of course!".

I needed that hug.

We talked about the options for a few minutes, then told the doc we were ready to talk to her again. She went through the D&C procedure, that we'd been scheduled for 8am Monday morning which means we have to be there at 6, and then I had to sign some consent forms, including one for either taking charge of the remains for a funeral (or I guess whatever else we wanted to do) or having the hospital dispose of them. Mark said no funeral, so we signed for hospital disposal. I think all the options stink actually. Even with a natural miscarriage, I guess the baby would just be flushed down the toilet which doesn't seem like a great ending either. I may change my mind on this I'm not sure yet.

I guess that's about it for now. I've been doing a bit of research on what to expect with the D&C. I did have one after Timmy was born because I was continuing to bleed and they wanted to make sure there wasn't any retained placenta, so I know the basics, although that was different because I was awake with a spinal block, whereas this time they're going to use IV meds for anesthesia and I think I won't remember it? I do remember thinking during that procedure how nasty it was to hear the vacuum and how awful it would be to hear that and know they were vacuuming your baby out. I guess they do it a bit differently, or I'm about to find out.

C'est fini.

I had my first OB appointment today. It was originally scheduled for 6w6d, but when I found out they wouldn't be doing an u/s I rescheduled for today, 9w3d, when hopefully I'd be able to hear the h/b with the doppler.

Only they couldn't find it. And then they did an u/s and there was no h/b there either.

So now I'm scheduled for a D&C on Monday.

Schweffel was measuring 8w6d, so it seems like it happened recently.

And now, I'm sitting here typing this and eating raw salami. I don't know what it says about me that that's the first 'forbidden' thing I'm doing. Not wine, but salami.

LP news

Um, so yeah. Apparently a 10-day LP IS enough to support a pregnancy. I got a + test yesterday at 12dpo :D

CB still hadn't arrived by the afternoon of 11dpo which is when I was expecting her. And then it got to be night, and still nothing. The following morning, my temp was still up, no sign of anything remotely red, and I had to pee like a horse, so I pulled out a test.

OF COURSE I couldn't get the stupid test open, there was no notch anywhere, I tried my teeth on one end, then the other, fingers a few more times and finally almost peeing my pants got it open using my teeth in the middle.

Relief! Watched the test as the urine went up the window, and could see something there right away. Shock! It was a definite second line, albeit quite faint. So. There we have it. Crossing fingers that all goes well from here.

More and more cycles.

I decided back after my last cycles post that it really didn't make sense for us to be ttc just then; we're building a new house, and being pregnant while doing that didn't make a whole lot of sense (which turned out to be a good thing because had it happened relatively quickly, the house has NOT, and would have made things, um, interesting).

In the meantime, I've been tracking my cycles. It's interesting to me, while they generally tend to be around the normal 27-28 days, I O a few days late and then have a short LP. Here's the list so far:

Cycle # CD of O LP length
1 37 6
2 22 6
3 23 7
4 21 9
5 21 9
6 15 9
7 20 10
8 17 10
9 18 10?

(The last is a ? because it hasn't happened yet. And maybe it won't...)

It's nice that my LP has been getting marginally longer each month, usually about 6-12 hours per month. And yes, I have been somewhat obsessive about all this tracking!

Exercise and Fertility

Very interesting article from the Norwegian University of Science and Technology: Original article is at http://www.ntnu.no/news/hard-workouts-reduced-fertility, I copied the text below as I don't know how long the article will be up for.

Hard workouts -- reduced fertility
New research from the Norwegian University of Science and Technology (NTNU) shows that the body may not have enough energy to support both hard workouts and getting pregnant.

NTNU Info/Rune Petter Ness

Are you a female athlete – or just someone who likes challenging workouts -- who also wants to get pregnant? It may make sense to ease off a bit as you try, according to new research from NTNU.

Roughly seven per cent of all Norwegian women are believed to have infertility problems, which means that they are unable to become pregnant during the first year of trying - even if they might later become pregnant.

Infertility can have many causes, both medical and lifestyle-related. Known risk factors include smoking, stress, and alcohol. Being extremely under- or overweight can also play a role.

It is known, however, that elite sports women have more fertility problems than other women. But does extreme physical activity play a role in fertility among other women as well? NTNU researchers examined precisely this question in a study involving nearly 3,000 women. They found that overly frequent and hard physical exercise appears to reduce a young woman's fertility. But the decrease in fertility probably lasts only as long as the hard training.

Two vulnerable groups
The study was based on material from the Health Survey of Nord-Trøndelag from 1984-1986 and from a follow-up survey in 1995-1997. All of the women who participated were healthy and of childbearing age, and none had a history of fertility problems.

In the first survey, women responded to questions about the frequency, duration and intensity of their physical activity - and ten years later were asked questions about pregnancy and childbirth. The NTNU researchers also recorded other information that could have significance for the study.

“Among all these women, we found two groups who experienced an increased risk of infertility,” says Sigridur Lara Gudmundsdottir, a PhD candidate in NTNU's Human Movement Science Programme. “There were those who trained almost every day. And there were those who trained until they were completely exhausted. Those who did both had the highest risk of infertility.”

Age an important factor
If the women also were under 30 years old in the first study, the relationship became even more evident in both groups. Among those who reported training to exhaustion (regardless of frequency and duration), 24 per cent had fertility problems. In the group that had trained almost every day (regardless of the intensity and duration), 11 per cent reported the same.

Even when the data were adjusted for other possible contributing factors (such as body mass index, smoking, age, marital status and previous pregnancies), the researchers found that women who trained every day had a 3.5 times greater risk of impaired fertility as women who did not train at all.

“And when we compared those who trained to exhaustion to those who trained more moderately, we found that the first group had a three-fold greater risk of impaired fertility,” says Gudmundsdottir.

In women who reported moderate or low activity levels, researchers found no evidence of impaired fertility.

A transient effect
But the negative effects of hard training do not appear to be permanent, the researcher says.

“The vast majority of women in the study had children in the end. And those who trained the hardest in the middle of the 1980s were actually among those who had the most children in the 1990s,” she adds.

There may be various explanations for why the women who first were least fertile ended up with the most children. “We do not know if they changed their activity level during the period between the two surveys. Or if they just had trouble getting pregnant the first time, but afterwards had a hormonal profile that made it easier to get pregnant again,” Gudmundsdottir said.

Too demanding?
Scientists have a theory that high levels of physical activity are so energy intensive that the body actually experiences short periods of energy deficiency, where there simply is not enough energy to maintain all the necessary hormonal mechanisms that enable fertilization.

On the other hand, previous research shows that moderate physical activity gives women better insulin function and an improved hormonal profile - and thus better conditions for fertility - than total inactivity, particularly in overweight people.

Forget the easy chair
But Gudmundsdottir says that women who want to become pregnant shouldn’t give up all physical activity.

“We believe it is likely that physical activity at a very high or very low level has a negative effect on fertility, while moderate activity is beneficial,” she says.

But as far as identifying how much is “just right”, the researcher is careful. “An individual’s energy metabolism is a very important factor in this context. The threshold can be very individual,” Gudmundsdottir says.

She also recommends that physically active women be particularly aware of their menstrual cycles. “A long cycle or no menstruation at all is danger signals,” she says.

Cycles

I've been cycling reasonably regularly since that first post-Timmy O, if it's possible to say that after three cycles. The next cycle I O'ed on CD44, after *nine* days in a row of EWCM. I did start temping because I had a couple of days of EW at CD17-18, then at about CD23 I wanted to know if I had O'ed yet... and down the slippery slope I went. My temps then were higher than my pre-O temps had been before Timmy, although not quite as high as my post-O, so I had to keep doing it to make sure, right? So I O'ed CD44, and my EWCM dried up that day. Which made me re-evalute my O date from the cycle I mentioned below, I think it was a couple of days later resulting in a four day LP. My CD44 cycle my LP was six days - heading in the right direction!

We've been debating on whether to try and have a third baby for a long time, and after much angst (mostly on my part - I really really would like another baby, but practically it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I decided that I've been practical all my life and this is one choice I really don't want to regret), have decided to go for it. So... the next cycle was the first that we actually 'tried'. I O'ed CD22 (yay!), but still only had a six day LP (boo!). I have to wonder if my body will ever have a normal LP. We're probably not going to find out for a while though, as I'm going to call my RE and get back on progesterone again after I O the next time.

Commencement

I don't post here much anymore, but I figure I'll keep updating with HA related stuff, as well as things related to my cycle so I remember them. I do come back to this blog quite frequently when I'm wondering about what happened when, or details about things that are no longer easily accessible to my poor addled brain, it's great to have as a reference.

So... I think I'm about to O again! I'm super excited about it, as I'm still BFing Timmy 2x/day (at 10.5 months old). I also weigh about six pounds less than I did when Timmy was conceived, so I was a little worried that my HA would be back again. (Although I'm not exercising nearly as much now, I'm lucky if it's 3x/week, so I've been hoping that would mitigate the weight loss).

Anyway, I've had a day of EWCM every two weeks since April, which suggested to me that things were slowly revving up. The first time freaked me out a bit as DH and I had been less than careful just a few days before, but it was just a random day (with a BFN a couple of weeks later). So I had it 7/2, 7/16, then every day since 7/24. And in copious amounts, more than I've ever had before! I'm not doing OPKs or temping or anything like that, I figure I'll have a good sense of when I might have O'ed based on drying up, and then I'll find out in somewhere from 5-15 days for sure if the good old CB (crimson bitch aka AF for any new readers) arrives. Fingers crossed!

Update: CB arrived on 8/3. So, I definitely O'ed! I would guess it was Monday night, 7/27, as I had some cramping that night, EWCM the following morning but nothing after that. So that's probably a 6-ish day LP. Not too bad... although I would have thought it would be longer than that based on all the egg-white. eh. now hopefully on to the next cycle!

Hypothalamic Amenorrhea Recovery / Treatment Summary

I have been posting on the hypothalamic amenorrhea (HA) bulletin board over at fertilethoughts forums for almost three years now - I wished when I was diagnosed and starting treatment that there was someone who had already been there that I could talk to about what I was going through. It makes me warm and fuzzy inside to be able to provide that input and insight to others who are going through the same things now.

Over those three years, I've learned a lot, and also collected some pretty interesting stats that I thought I would share here for anyone who finds this blog searching for info on HA.

There seem to be two different flavors of HA, both with the same manifestations. The first variety comes in women who are normal to low weight, and undereat / overexercise to a BMI anywhere from 21 on down. The second happens in women who were overweight to begin with, then lost a significant amount of weight; in some cases going to low BMIs as well, but occasionally just to a 'normal' BMI of 23-25.

In the first case, gaining weight and cutting exercise seem, without fail, to restore natural cycles. This is despite what many doctors have told women on the board, "You could gain 50lbs and still not start cycling again." This is NOT TRUE. I'm finally starting to see posts from some women who say that their doctors won't treat them until they've gained some weight. The thing is, not only does gaining weight and cutting exercise help with complete recovery from HA, it also helps with treatment cycles if the natural approach isn't fitting in with timelines. There have been a number of women on the board who have either tried Clomid with no success, or injectibles with cancelled cycles for overstimulation, and even multiple failed IVFs. After weight gain, Clomid works in *many* cases despite the traditional wisdom in the literature that it won't work for HA because of the low estrogen. Injectible cycles go significantly better after weight gain. And IVF cycles seem to be much more successful as well. Also, the weight gain that comes with pregnancy is mentally much easier when some of the disordered eating / exercise / body image issues have been conquered prior to pregnancy.

In this first type of HA, what happens is that as the body goes into a semi starvation mode with a constant energy deficit due to the undereating/overexercising, leptin levels decrease (see Welt CK et al. for the full article). This then leads to decreases in the levels and pulsatile frequency of LH, and estradiol, and the natural hormonal cycle stops. Increases in eating, particularly in carbohydrates and fats (good and bad) restore the natural leptin levels within a reasonable amount of time - usually 6 months to a year after making wholehearted changes (in many cases cycles are restored even more quickly than that; the quicker the weight is gained, the more quickly the cycles return).

In the second type of HA, in women who were overweight and then lost a significant amount, it seems take much longer for cycles to return. I believe this is because in people who are overweight, leptin receptors become desensitized, and not as responsive to the leptin signals. When the weight loss occurs, leptin levels decrease, just as in the first variety. But when eating is resumed / overexercising moderated, the increase in leptin levels is not registered as quickly by the body because the leptin receptors are not as responsive. This is my own theory, but it's the only thing I've been able to come up with to explain why women who were overweight seem to have a less tractable form of HA.

So the upshot is, if you have HA having been normal weight / thin most of your life, you can restore your cycles reasonably easily by gaining weight to a BMI of around 23. For most women that has done the trick; many have resumed cycling at a lower BMI than that. It takes committment, it takes handling feeling "fat" (although as a whole we tend to have quite skewed body images - many of our significant others and friends comment on how much better we look after gaining weight - and they do mean it!), buying new clothes in larger sizes really helps. If you have HA and were overweight before losing / exercising, weight gain will still help with treatment, but it will likely take longer before your cycles will return naturally.

If you want to be pregnant NOW (and who doesn't after deciding it's time?), weight gain can still really help. As you can see by checking the stats below, Clomid DOES work in many women with HA after weight gain. Sometimes even without a positive response to Provera. If you have HA, and don't have insurance that covers injectibles, I think you should absolutely 100% give Clomid a try before putting down the cash for an injectibles cycle. If your OB or RE will go for it, the extended Clomid protocol seems to have great results; if not, even a standard Clomid protocol will often work.

Starting in October 2007 I kept track of (just about) all the women who posted on the HA board, how they got their BFP's (which almost everyone has, still working on some of the recent joiners) and other random information.

So far, there have been 82 BFP's in total. Unfortunately, 14 (17%) of those have resulted in miscarriage, which is fairly close to the rate that is normally quoted for miscarriage. Of those 82 pregnancies, the breakdown by method of conception is as follows:

Natural: 31 (38%)
Clomid (including extended protocol): 22 (27%)
Injectibles: 20 (24%)
IVF: 5 (6%)

Also, these stats do include some women second pregnancies after recover from HA. By and large, if weight loss post partum is moderated and the patterns of undereating/overexercising are not resumed, natural cycles are restored after weaning (it is extremely rare for a former sufferer of HA to resume cycles while nursing). Most of the subsequent pregnancies are falling into the natural category.

As you can see, this totally belies both the assertion of medical professionals that you can gain an infinite amount of weight and still not cycle again, as well as the idea that Clomid will not work. In fact, 70% of the pregnancies achieved (after 10/2007) on the HA board have been through one of those two methods. And I am firmly convinced that many of the women who did use injectibles or IVF could have gotten pregnant either naturally or with Clomid had timetables been different.

As this is my summary of all I've learned about HA over the past three plus years, a few other things that seem to come up frequently:

* As our cycles return, they tend to be quite a bit longer than normal cycles, with ovulation in the CD40's (or higher) for the first cycle not uncommon. As weight gain is maintained, cycles get shorter. This isn't a surprise, as it takes a while for the body to respond to the restored hormonal levels.
* A BFP on a late ovulation is not a problem at all, despite what you may read online. The thing is, that the follicle is not sitting around with a mature egg in it; once the follicular recruitment really takes off, ovulation is actually occurring in a normal timeframe; it just takes longer to get to the follicular recruitment phase.
* Speaking of which, it's not uncommon to go through 2-3 follicular recruitment waves accompanied by changes in cervical fluid / temp prior to actual ovulation occurring, especially as cycles are returning.
* Estradiol is NOT the be-all-end-all as far as HA diagnosis goes. In fact, estradiol levels don't really seem to correlate much with whether natural cycles will return or Clomid will work. For me personally, my e2 when I was not cycling was 32; the two cycles where I got pregnant it was 27 and 34 respectively. It seems that the LH number is much more indicative of HA status - LH below 2 is likely to indicate HA; as recovery continues, that number rises much more reliably than e2 does.
* If Clomid is used, we *still* tend to have longer than normal cycles, often not ovulating until somewhere between CD20-30, so that should be your expectation. Monitoring is a great idea if you can afford it / your doc will do it - there are cases where women have grown good sized follicles but just not been able to muster the LH support to surge properly to ovulate. If you're being monitored and this seems to be the case, a shot of Ovidrel can be given at relatively low expense, to induce ovulation.
* If you want to move on to treatment and have the option of using the GnRH pump or patch, jump on it! They seem to be far the best ways to induce follicle growth without overstimming.
* In injectible cycles, it is extremely easy to overstimulate as our bodies are not used to the hormones that are being injected. First, your injectible should absolutely include LH (so Menopur or Repronex) - the cycles that have been completed on the board with FSH alone (e.g. follistim, bravelle etc.) are generally much less successful. Second, your protocol on your first cycle should be to start with a single vial (75U, or even less) for at least 4-5 days. Increase the dosage after that, preferably by just a half vial at a time. I have seen too many cases where either a higher dosage (common in injectible cycles for non-HA women) or too quick/big jumps in dosage lead to multiple follicles and either cycle cancellation or multiple pregnancy. In most cases we tend to be quite fertile once ovulation is induced, so the goal on the first cycle should be one mature follicle, or at most two. Of those 82 pregnancies, 3 were triplet pregnancies (two from Clomid) and one was a quadruplet; prior to 10/2007 there were two other triplet pregnancies and another quadruplet on the board. *Many* of the women on the board who moved to injectible treatment were successful on the first cycle.
* Injectible cycles following the recommended low/slow protocol DO tend to be quite long, with stimming for two-three weeks not out of the ordinary. There's nothing wrong with this, and no reason for the cycle to be cancelled - you will find a dosage at which you respond, and your follicle(s) will take off from there. Generally once a follicle gets to be 12mm+ / e2 goes over 100, the stimming will just take a few more days until trigger.
* For subsequent cycles, if needed, you should NOT start with the dosage that you finally responded at; that will almost certainly lead to recruitment of too many follicles. Start at least half a vial lower than that for the first 4-5 days, then bump up to the dose you respond to.

If anyone comes across this post and has questions or comments, I'd be happy to respond, feel free to use the comments section.

SO NOT THE POINT!!!

I posted over on my other blog about how I am having a hard time figuring out how to teach my kids to appreciate the things they have as I did, where things come to them so much more easily than they did to me. One of the things I mention is that I really wanted a Cabbage Patch doll growing up, but never did get one.

My MIL reads the post. And what does she take from it? NOT the point I was TRYING to make about the extravagance of their gifts to the kids:

"...how will they learn about delayed gratification? That they aren't always going to get everything they want (like my cabbage patch)? How will they learn to appreciate what they do have? If Christmas and their birthdays are always extravaganzas of presents (not necessarily from us), how do we teach them to be thankful?""

She shows up on Tuesday with an early birthday present for me. Of said Cabbage Patch kid.

I'm going to be fricking 35, what on earth am I supposed to do with a doll at this stage in my life????? SOOOOOOOOO not the point of my post. Which was apparently completely and totally lost on her. So much for a subtle hint.

The birth of TER.

Timothy Edward (formerly known as Fwed) was born on 09/18/2008 at 1:48pm, weighing in at 7lb 5oz, and 20 inches long. My BIL was joking about how we talk about babies as if they're fish!

Here's how it all went down:

I first noticed contractions that felt different from the BH I’d had all along in the pg when Ant woke me up at 4am. They were about 3-5 minutes apart, lasting 15-20 sec. After a while when I couldn’t go back to sleep, I got up to finish up some last minute work stuff, and have something to eat. The contractions spaced out quite a bit, to about 10-15 minutes apart, so I figured we were either in for the long haul, or it was false labor. Until I went to the bathroom and there was some bloody mucus on the TP… I got a big smile on my face and thought that we probably would be having the baby that day. More than a week sooner than I had been anticipating (I was 39w6d).

By the time I finished up the work stuff at around 10am, I was having contractions that were 4-5 min apart, but only about 30 sec long. I hopped in the bath for an hour and only had 3-4 more, so in my mind more evidence that we were in for a long day. When I got out, they were 2-3 min apart but only 30 sec or so, so I thought they would space out... they also weren't that uncomfortable, I was just stopping and leaning on something through them, then getting on with what I was doing (which did include a little bit of packing, turned out to be a good thing). I started having to lie down for them at around 12:15 - and then my water broke at 12:20. Called the doctor, and they said, "come in RIGHT now". I still wasn't convinced because although the contractions were coming pretty quickly they were still fairly short, and I wasn't finding the pain unmanageable in the least. But I decided they were probably right.

We ended up leaving the house at 12:48. Got stuck in traffic on Storrow Drive (figures!), at which point Mark asked if he needed to flash his lights etc and try and get through. I said no, but did have him call smartraveller to find out how long we were likely to be stuck for. Fortunately it was just a short jam due to some road work, so we were on our way in about 5 or 6 minutes. We also discussed how we should handle the car – should we both go and park it, should Mark drop me off, or should we leave it out front? I said I didn’t think I could make it from the garage, so either he should drop me off or we should bring the car right out front. By the time we got there Mark decided on the latter based on his assessment of how I was doing. (I had started pushing out more gushes of amniotic fluid just as we were getting through the traffic jam).

We were actually treated as a medical emergency when we did get to the hospital; there were a couple of guys out front who helped me into a wheelchair, and got us an express elevator up to the L&D floor. The receptionist there didn’t seem to have quite the urgency that Mark and I were feeling, she was asking for our insurance info! I told her my contractions were 1-2 min apart, and finally she seemed to get it and got someone to take me into triage. Once I was up on the bed in triage after discarding my amniotic fluid (and meconium – the fluid was definitely greenish) soaked towel, I climbed onto the bed. Almost immediately, I felt my uterus starting to contract from the top and push down – without my doing a thing! I told the nurse that I had to push. A midwife came in, checked me, “yup, fully dilated +2 station” and rushed me to a delivery room. The pushing phase was nothing like what I had imagined, where I would get a break in between pushes to recoup, and wonder at what was happening. Even the pushing contractions were right on top of each other. At one point they had me try and push more slowly, until the baby’s heartrate started dropping, which for me was the best motivation EVER to push as hard as I could and get him out. He did come out, just one or two pushes later, and only 13 minutes after we’d entered the room. Mark said, “It’s a BOY!”. So Timothy Edward had made his appearance.

Because he came out so quickly I had a lot of tearing, so they spent about 3 hours stiching me up and trying to stop the bleeding (all of which was honestly way more painful and uncomfortable than the delivery itself), which was unsuccessful and I ended up in the OR for about 45 minutes at 7pm to finally get everything back together. Turned out I had a second degree perineal tear, labial tears, and a vaginal tear which was what had been oozing and they couldn't find until in the OR.

It’s funny how so few birth experiences seem to go as expected. I got to experience the natural delivery I was hoping / planning for – yet at the same time because it all happened so fast, in some ways I didn’t get to experience it. I had a Nora Jones CD I was planning on listening to while laboring in the hospital, to help me relax through the contractions. That never even made it out of the bag! As I mentioned, there was no time for me to think about, marvel or wonder at what my body was doing during the delivery because the contractions were so incredibly intense. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining – in fact I’m rather in awe of how it all happened. It just happened so differently from what I had imagined, since I started contemplating a natural birth when pregnant with Ant.

Gotta love that uterine irritability!

I'm going to put up a few posts over here rather than at Phred/Fwed because my in-laws read that blog as it's mostly about the kids - but there are some things they just don't need to know!

*******************

I have been lucky so far this pregnancy not to have experienced the series of contractions that I did starting at 25 weeks in my first pg. I've had plenty of sporadic contractions, to be sure - I noticed them starting at about 12 weeks. But nothing serial, that lying down or drinking wouldn't fix. Until yesterday that is. They started at about 12:45, I actually noticed them while I was standing in line to get lunch. And they continued. And continued. About every five minutes apart. I hadn't had much to drink since the morning, so I swigged about 20oz of water, and lay down on the floor of my office for a bit. Nice to have an office, I must say! They did stop while I was lying down, but started back up again as soon as I got up. I tried lying down again for a longer time, and they disappeared again - as long as I was on the floor. I decided to call my doctor's office after about three hours of this - they had been telling me to call if I had more than four in an hour, and at this point I was running at 10-12/hour. I wasn't overly concerned, as these felt just the same as all the other contractions, and I wasn't feeling any other labor-ish symptoms. I was a little annoyed, though, when it took the nurse an hour to call me back! We discussed a little, she eventually said that I should go home and call again later if they were still continuing. I almost agreed to that, but then figured I that at work I was only 5 minutes away, and I'd rather just go in at that point and get checked out than have to deal with going in later in the evening when it would be much more of a trek. She agreed that it would be reasonable for me to come in, so off I trotted.

When I got to the office, I was again kept waiting quite a bit longer than I would have expected. When they finally took me back they followed standard procedure - pee in a cup, weight, BP, and listen to the baby. I was still having contractions, but they were a little further apart at this point. Funnily enough, I often have one just as I'm lying back on the table and the nurse always comments about how "that's the baby". I don't have the heart to tell her that no, it's actually my uterus (it's doing the same thing this time as last, when I get a contraction it's all bunched up on my right side). Anyway the doc showed up a few minutes later, took a swab and checked my cervix. Long and closed, as I had suspected, but it was nice to have the confirmation. So off home I went.

I have noticed a lot more contractions today, including an almost constant one the whole time I was walking back from lunch. I think I must have just hit the point where my uterus is saying okay it's time to get ready now. Hopefully I'll be able to continue to manage the contractions just by drinking and lying down when needed (I did spend another few minutes on my floor today when I was tired of the effort).

Interestingly, when I was at the gym this morning doing my little weight lifting routine, I didn't notice any contractions at all. Perhaps I need to stop working! ;-)

The end.

It's time for me to stop posting here. I have officially kicked hypothalamic amenorrhea's butt. Whupped her to the curb. So I feel like without that, there's really not much to post here anymore. I will continue to post over at my other blog, http://phred-fwed-schweffel.blogspot.com, so if you're interested in following our story, come visit over there.

I will still post HA related things here from time to time, as I come across them in my reading/research. But that will be it. I'm also going to migrate some of the older non-HA related posts over to the other blog as well.

Thank you very very much for all the support, advice, and free shoulders you've provided me over the years! You guys are the best!

Hypothalamic Amenorrhea Cure???

I started this blog over two years ago, hoping to connect with other women with hypothalamic amenorrhea, hoping to get advice when I was going through treatment, and subsequently, to help those who are struggling today.

I have not been keeping up on the research of late. But, when I was looking for information for a woman I met through the hypothalamic amenorrhea bulletin board at fertilethoughts about whether there was any advantage to using Femara (letrozole) over Clomid, I came across an abstract that I think is quite groundbreaking.

The article, “New protocol of clomiphene citrate treatment in women with hypothalamic amenorrhea”, offers the hope of using Clomid not just for ovulation induction, but to actually restore normal menstrual cycles! I actually purchased the article so I could read the details of the study they performed, to see if I agreed with the conclusions they drew in their abstract, and also whether Clomid was the only treatment used, or if there was concomitant decrease in exercise or increase in weight.

The only drawback of the study was its size – only eight women were treated. However, all eight resumed cycling, and were still cycling six months later! I think that this treatment regimen is incredibly promising for those still struggling.

The study consisted of eight women, five of whom had hypothalamic amenorrhea from excessive exercise, the other three from restrictive eating patterns. (Aside – HA does seem to be due to an energy imbalance – either overexercising, undereating, or a combination of the two. I have been in contact with 25+ other women with HA, almost all of whom (including me) fit this profile). The BMIs of the women in the study were 17.6 to 19.5 – underweight or very low normal weight. Hormone levels were meauserd at the beginning of the study, and were classic HA – low side of normal for e2 (18-25), FSH (2.9+/-0.4), LH(2.3+/-0.3) and progesterone (0.18+/-.2). The age profile is younger than most of us who are TTC – 17-22.

The treatment regimen was 50mg of clomid for five days, followed by five days at 100mg. Ovulation was then assessed by u/s and progesterone mid-luteal phase (with a fairly stringent requirement of >25nmol). Of the eight patients, six of them ovulated and got their period after just one cycle! They subsequently took 100 mg Clomid CD3-7 on the next two cycles. The two women who did not ovulate after the first cycle repeated the initial regiment, and both did ovulate after that.

After the three months on Clomid, all eight women resumed cycling on their own, with no additional medication!!! In addition, there was no change in eating or exercising habits – the deficit in energy caused by overexercising and / or undereating seems to be very strongly correlated with hypothalamic amenorrhea.

For anyone trying to conceive, I would NOT recommend not changing the eating/exercise habits that led to HA – I think it is extremely important that during pregnancy one is not operating at an energy deficit. You would never starve your child after he was born; it is no different to starve them inside the womb. However, I think that particularly for people whose insurance does not cover injectibles, this new regimen is well worth trying.

Three of the women on the fertilethoughts HA board have now tried this regimen, with similar success (although one ovulated on the first cycle and repeated the 10 day regimen with no ovulation the second cycle). Two others have tried a longer clomid protocol than the standard five days, although not quite this regimen, one successful and one not. It seems that it is well worth giving this new regimen a shot before pursuing more aggressive treatment like injectibles. And so far one BFP!

In short, the protocol was as follows:
Bleed induced through bcp (not necessary; two of the women on the FT board did not get a bleed first)
50 mg Clomid CD 3 - 7
100 mg Clomid CD 8 - 12
u/s to check for follicles

I hope that other people in the HA boat find this protocol, and start pushing it with their RE's. The traditional thought is that Clomid does *not* work for women with HA because of the low baseline estrogen levels. But this seems to be different!

non-pregnant? not exactly!

I was feeling very non-pregnant this 2ww. No cramping 6-8dpo, no sore legs during hockey, no strange temperature feelings showering... basically none of the things that clued me in that something might be going on when I was pg with Ant, or last cycle with my chem pg. I was holding out until 14dpo to test after the debacle that was my last cycle as well. I was 95% convinced until yesterday (13dpo) that it would be negative.

Yesterday my temp was up 0.2 in the am, after what I thought at the time could have been an implantation dip on Monday although hard to tell. That was my first inkling. Then, I started having minor cramping throughout the day. I almost wished I had tested so that I wouldn't have my hopes raised only to be dashed today when I did test.

But they weren't. Dashed that is. I got a lovely perfect positive, with the test line in fact darker than the control line. Holy shit, sherlock!

I thought the best way to let M know would be to leave the test out on the counter in the bathroom (on top of the box, so it was obvious what it was). He is such a man - he was in there alone for five minutes before I joined him, when he asked, "So, did you test"

Splitting

I've been thinking about moving my posts about Ant to another blog for a while, and have finally put that plan into action. I'll keep talking about HA / TTC stuff here, and post about Ant at my new blog, http://phred-fwed-schweffel.blogspot.com. You can read all about the origins of the name over there, if you care to. I still just don't feel 100% comfortable posting about him and his antics here - I feel much better about it in a totally new place.

Knock me over with a feather.

Based on my previous few cycles, I was anticipating ovulating this cycle somewhere around 1/9, which would be CD28. And I had ultrasounds scheduled for CD15, 20 and 25 to take a look and see how my follicle(s) were developing, my lining, that kind of stuff. I haven't been temping or OPKing or anything, I figured that the u/s would tell me what I needed to know and I didn't need to bother being anal. Starting monday, though, I was getting a fair bit of EW so I thought I'd do some OPKs, just in case. Tuesday's was negative as expected. I was absolutely convinced I still had two weeks to go. But, when I tested on Wednesday, I got a postive. And not just any old positive, the most positive positive I've ever seen. The test line was markedly darker than the control line which has never happened before. ON CD14!!!! Which means if I follow my usual pattern, I will actually O tomorrow. CD16. NORMAL!

One can never know why these things happen, of course, but I'm wondering if it has anything to do with the fact that my ass has not gotten to the gym at all in the past three weeks. I usually lift weights 2x/week, but haven't managed what with the snow and babysitter illness and all. Perhaps my system really is that sensitive???

Whew!

I had my hysteroscopy on Thursday. I was imagining three possible outcomes: no polyp at all, a small one that could be removed then and there, or a larger one that we'd need to schedule another surgery for. I was fully prepared for option 3 given the general cussedness of the universe. Because I was expecting that, when they got the scope in there and there was nothing except a perfect uterus and tubes, I was totally astonished! The doctor said that what was on the HSG was just an artifact - which is why they do the HSC to confirm. What a nice surprise!

The bitch is in the house.

The crimson bitch showed up on Thursday, 17dpo. It really is amazing what progesterone does to my LP - to go from 7/8 days to 17 with one little yellow thing pushed up my clacker each night is really pretty impressive.

I have my HSC scheduled for Thursday, where we'll get a better idea of whether I really do have a polyp and what we might do about it (I am so hoping that it can just be removed then and there and I don't have to schedule a separate surgery for it).

Then the following Thursday I have my first u/s to see how my follicle is growing, and whether the fact that I don't ovulate until ~CD28 is okay because my system is just getting a late start, or if it's not okay because really my follicle is growing perfectly well but just marinating in its own juices for two extra weeks. It seems like the former is perfectly fine in terms of egg quality, whereas the latter - not so much.

In the meantime, it turns out that the new insurance I have through M (his company got bought out in July of this year) covers infertility treatments at 70%, but only if you go to one of their "centers of excellence". Which my current clinic is not. So I have to figure out A) if it really is worth it for me to try clomid, B) if clomid and the associated monitoring are considered "infertility treatment", and C) if the new clinic will even see me given that I am actually cycling and haven't been trying for the requisite amount of time. A very wise woman I was talking to about this suggested that cycles > 35 days are NOT normal and should definitely qualify for treatment before the one year period is up - I think it's a good argument, but that doesn't always mean that the bureaucrats will agree!

I finally spoke to my sister this past Friday, and I called her, not the other way 'round. She didn't ask about me at all (I was calling to say that I didn't think it was going to work for us to look after my niece this weekend). She did call me back and leave a message a few minutes later admitting that she was a bad sister because she hadn't mentioned anything. I didn't catch her when I called the next time, but left a message saying that it wasn't good news, and that she should call me. I ended up calling her later in the evening when I hadn't heard anything, and we talked for all of five minutes, because she had to go and put her new baby down. I was practically in tears while talking to her - mostly because I'm sad that despite my hopes to the contrary, we are going through (as Emma aptly termed it), infertility 2.0. I get that it wasn't a good time for her to talk. What I don't get is why she couldn't fucking call me back. It is making me really sad, because I can guarantee you that if our roles were reversed, I would have made a lot more time for her than that.

Apricot white chip cookies (updated)!

I'm a little late for Jenn's second annual cookie exchange - but I figured better late than never. I actually made these for the first time tonight, absolutely delish. Tonight was my second attempt, so I thought I would update the recipe with the changes (and added picture so I'd get Jenn's extra special bonus points!).

Ingredients:
2 1/2c all purpose flour (9oz, 360g) (or use half whole wheat white flour)
3/4 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
3/4c butter, softened (6oz, 240g)
1c packed light brown sugar (5oz, 200g)
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 egg
2c white chocolate chips (12oz, 500g)
1c chopped almonds (4oz, 150g)
1c apricot preserves (8oz, 300g)

Preheat oven to 350F (175C)
Toast the almonds until browned, once the oven is heated.
While the oven heats / almonds toast:
Cream the butter and sugar until smooth.
Mix flour, baking soda and salt in a separate bowl.
Beat the egg and vanilla into the creamed sugar.
Mix in the apricot preserves until incorporated
Stir in the flour mix until incorporated.
Add in white chips, almonds.
Drop dough by rounded teaspoons onto a cookie sheet (silicone etc. recommended!).
Bake for 10-15 minutes, until golden brown.

I also made a few without the white chocolate chips - a bit less sweet, but also a very nice combination. I love these cookies! Pretty quick to make, and absolutely divine!

Definitely NOT something.

I went and bought a real test today, and it was the usual snowy white I am used to seeing. So perhaps there was an attempt at something, but it just didn't get very far.

I'm mostly okay. Hell, I get to get sloshed on NYE, that's a positive, right? I can drink a bottle of wine at Xmas, and at the parties we're going to next week. All good.

What I can't stop thinking about though is a comment my mom made to me when I told her a few months ago that we were trying again. The background for this is that she firmly believes that three years is the ideal separation for kids, and it took her a good long while to show any enthusisasm for my sister's latest pregnancy (a fucking "OOPS" pregnancy no less) where her kids are just over two years apart. I figured I would tell her that we were trying so hopefully she wouldn't be as shocked if we made an announcement. What she said to me was "I hope it doesn't happen too quickly".

She has gotten her wish. Not too quickly. *I* just wish she could be a little more supportive. First of all, I am three years older now than she was when she had my younger sister. And, given that we did not concieve quickly the first time, I would think she could say something like "I hope you don't have as much trouble as you did before!". But no.

And then there's my sister. I know that she doesn't get it because she had no trouble falling pregnant with her daughter, and clearly no trouble this time around. But still, I would like it if occasionally, just occasionally she would actually just call and ask how I'm doing. I called her yesterday to tell her about my faintest of faint lines - if the situation were reversed I can guarantee that I would have called her today to see if there was more news, either positive or negative. But have I heard from her? Not a peep. I don't really think that is a lot to ask.

I know that I am preaching to the choir here. Not that I would wish infertility on anyone, but in some ways I think that if everyone had to experience at least having to actually try for a few months before getting pregnant, that there would be a bit more sympathy and understanding out there. Especially from your own fucking family.

Something? Not something?

I finally O'ed this cycle on CD27 again. Gotta love a four week wait. And since I seem to acquire pimples that correspond with my follicle recruitment of which I appear to have three waves, I spend the majority of that four weeks slathering my face with all the zit creams I can lay my hands on. Lovely.

At 8 dpo I went for my followup appt with my RE. She did an u/s, which showed a nice triple stripe, 8mm thick lining, which she said was showing no signs of going anywhere anytime soon. Yay for progesterone! She agreed that we could give clomid a try (the hospital does not do aromatase inhibitors as the indication is not approved by the FDA), but the final diagnosis from my HSG was that I seem to have a polyp, so before any treatment they want to do an HSC and possibly surgery to remove it. Any thoughts on this? I'm not really a big fan of surgery if I don't need it. I did ask about whether she would want to do anything if I am in fact lucky enough to be pg, and she said no. So I'm not really sure why we'd need to do something if I'm not. Have to think on that.

I have a bunch of pg tests that I got with the OPKs I ordered online. I started testing at 9dpo, because I was feeling so many of the symptoms I had when pg with Ant. Cramping from 6-8 dpo, more tired while playing hockey, a bizarre dream, waking up totally sweaty (lovely, I know!). 9, 10 and 11 dpo tests were all negative. 12 dpo was too. But when I went back and looked at it a while later, there was the faintest of faint second lines! Something? Not something? Not really sure. I know the instructions say not to read it after ten minutes, but really, who listens to that? None of the tests from previous days had any inkling of a second line.

So I was somewhat hopeful. Today's test, though, was even lighter than yesterday's, if that is even possible. So I'm thinking this is a 'chemical' pg. Although on the other hand, my temp has been bouncing around 98 the past week and today went up to 98.6. I guess time will tell...

Uterine update #1

I had my HSG today - okay news, but not great. One of my tubes appears to be blocked - the dye wouldn't go into that part of my uterus at all. The radiologist said that it could be that my uterus was spasming during the test and that's why - or it could be blocked. As one tends to ovulate from alternating sides, it likely means we'll only have a shot of getting pg every other month. And I'm pretty sure I O'ed from my right side (good tube) last month. So I think this month is likely going to be fruitless. Not that we won't try anyway, but not terribly hopeful. :-(

Should hear back from my doc tomorrow on scheduling u/s throughout my cycle (currently CD14 with snowy white OPKs), so hopefully we'll get some good news from those!

And the reproductive endocringologist says...

We can go to injections probably starting next cycle.

I was totally taken aback. I was expecting at least a few months of lower intervention treatments before pulling out those guns again.

Needless to say, I am SO not going there, for a good long while. I had four failed injectibles cycles, thank you very much, so why exactly do we think all of a sudden this will work?

I am cycling on my own, despite their not being textbook cycles (okay, fairly far from textbook with the late ovulation AND short LPs), but I feel like we should be able to work with that.

What surprised me was that Dr. C. didn't seem to think that anything had changed with my HA status despite the fact that I AM cycling now. She still said that she didn't think that Clomid would do anything, based on my low e2 and LH levels from before. (b/w this time: e2=32, FSH 6.4, LH 3.2 - e2 is about what it was BA, LH is almost double, which I think is a good sign?)

She's doing a full IF workup on me, bloodwork, HSG scheduled for next week mostly because I had a C-section with Ant to check for adhesions, and bloodwork and SA for M as well. Also u/s throughout my cycle to see what's going on. Then we'll meet again on 12/4 to discuss.

She doesn't believe in LPD, which I've heard from a number of other sources, rather that it's a follicular phase defect - which makes a lot of sense to me. And is indicated by my rather long follicular phase (21 and 28 days so far, 8 and counting this cycle). So the u/s will hopefully help figure out whether my follicles are just not maturing properly, or if they are mature but there are problems with the corpus luteum.

I did manage to score some progesterone to use in my LP. I'm hoping that does the trick, and I won't need anything else.

I really thought that I had this fricking thing kicked.

Frustration

Every now and again we have a day that just makes me crazy. And they have been coming more and more often in recent weeks.

It's a combination of things: Ant having a fair number of words, but not for everything he wants to do, becoming less interested in his toys and more interested in general household items, and our not having been very good about saying 'no' to him, setting up expectations.

We spent a lot of time yesterday with me being the mommy taxi, him pointing at the spice cupboard or the clean dishes or the refrigerator saying "eh eh eh eh eh", me responding "what do you WANT???" followed by "no, that's not a good idea" when I finally managed to figure it out, and him screaming.

And then I was working during his naps, so no downtime. AND he woke up at the ungodly (these days) hour of 5:05 ante-meridian. This time change just freaking sucks. HSHHC saying that putting them to bed later does not mean a later wake up time is definitely true, much to my chagrin. On top of that, we were cooped up inside all day because it was pouring and cold outside. Yuck.

Anyway, all of that combined to make me just about ready to tear my hair out by the end of the day. I was SO glad to see M when he got home! Just a phase, I keep telling myself. Just a phase.

We're off to see the RE

The fat lady just sang a big old aria in the keys of A and F. A measly eight days after I *finally* ovulated, on CD28. I got a heads up yesterday because my temp dropped, so I called my RE's office. I had been debating about it shortly before I finally O'ed - given that my cycle does not seem to be trending towards normal, I think it's time to call in the cavalry. I was lucky enough to get an appointment for Friday, which I was really hoping for so that I could do something about this upcoming cycle. I would like to walk away from that appointment with a prescription in my hot little hands for Clomid or Femara to help me O earlier, and progesterone to help with the LP. We'll see.

I already knew how very, incredibly lucky I was to get pregnant with Ant, these irregular cycles make me appreciate it even more. The decision I made on that natural cycle to use the progesterone just in case, seems now to be likely the thing that made all the difference.

Finally!!!

I was completely convinced on Sunday that I was not going to O this cycle until something ridiculous like CD42. My CM apparently dried up, my temp was that of a person near death (96.6), and my OPK was negative.

I wasn't even going to do another OPK on Monday, CM was still practically nonexistent, but a friend from the HA board said that I really should because you just never know. My OPK from the day before had appeared a bit darker, but that just seemed like the pattern I'd already observed twice before this cycle.

So... I peed on another stick on Monday. To my complete astonishment, it was an almost positive. And as I had had a lot to drink and gone to the bathroom 2.5 hours before, I figured that was good enough.

Temping confirmed my O (my THIRD!!!) on Monday or perhaps Tuesday. CD 27/28. About flipping time :-)

So now I'm in my second first 2ww. Not expecting much, but having a smidgen of hope.

Now for something completely different

My mom is an avid gardener, and has stocked my little plot with numerous interesting plants over the years we've live here. Her latest offering were some dahlias that friends of hers who own a nursery were giving away to loving homes. I adore them, they are flowering at this time of year when there isn't much else of interest in the garden. And I think they are incredibly beautiful blossoms. So I thought I'd share.

Not-so-rose-tinted glasses

I am so flipping frustrated with my stupid body. I do believe I have the hypothalamic amenorrhea kicked. What I don't have kicked is totally irregular cycles. I have had a visit from the crimson bitch twice since I stopped BFing. The first time was four days after I ovulated, right as BFing ended. The second was 29 days later - 8 days after a CD21 O. I remember having had somewhat long cycles back from when I was a teenager, before any birth control, so I figured, okay, I'm going to O on around CD21... slightly longer than normal, but I can manage that.

So then we decide we're ready to ttc again. I should have known that was a recipe for my body going haywire. I started having EWCM on CD 8 this cycle. I was totally surprised - pleasantly so, thinking that maybe I'd actually O around CD14 and be normal. That dried up a couple of days later. No big deal.

Then it started again, CD13 this time. At this point, my 'no temping no OPKing' idea went out of the window. I was obsessing way more about whether I was going to O or not that I would using those things. So I started charting. This round of EW lasted for three days, then dried up again. So much for a normal length cycle.

Third time's the charm, right? My latest round of EW started on Monday, that's FIVE days ago - and still no positive OPK. Nor a temp rise, so it's not as if I O'ed and just didn't catch the surge. I am currently CD24, with no end in sight.

When I got pregnant with Ant, I O'ed on CD42. I thought, at the time, that it was so late because it was my first natural cycle in oh, forever. Now I'm rethinking that. Perhaps that is normal for me? I *wish* that I had paid attention when I was a teenager so I'd have a better idea of what to expect now.

I had set my baseline expectation at CD21 based on last cycle, but perhaps I should not anticipate O'ing until CD42 and then I'll feel less frustrated. I just wish I knew what was going on with all this egg-white. I'm almost getting to the point where I want to call my RE and see if I can go in for an u/s just to see what things are looking like inside. Do I have a decent sized follicle, that I could just take a trigger shot for? Or am I trundling along, follicle-less, and my hypothalamus is just playing tricks on me?

Damn, I *hate* not being in control, not knowing what is going on.

It's official

The proverbial goalie has been pulled. We are no longer doing anything to prevent pregnancy, so we are officially 'trying'. I'm in such a different space than I was in 2005 when we were attempting to get pregnant with the baby who turned out to be Ant.

I'm actually cycling! They may not be perfect (late O and 5 and 8 day LP's so far), but I have had two visits from the crimson bitch.

I'm approximately 16 pounds heavier.

I'm exercising about 1/4 as much.

I have my libido back after many, many years absence - wooo-hooo!

I am trying not to let my type A side take charge - no temping, no OPKs.

Finding it so much easier to interact with my pregnant sister (she was pregnant when we were ttc Ant as well - *hard*)

Experiencing the optimistim that most people have when they decide to try and concieve their first baby. (I knew I had problems pretty much from the get-go last time.)

Hoping that I can keep these rose colored glasses on!

You can call me obnoxious. Really, you can.

Soooo.... That post I wrote Friday night (I think) about the line between proud mom and bragging. If you didn't see it, you really didn't miss anything. Well, anything good. It was obnoxious. I SO crossed the line. If you did see it, I really apologize. I was in a bad mood after an interaction with a friend who goes on and on about her kid, and I wrote the post in that frame of mind. It was never my intention to make anyone feel bad, or be hurtful in anyway, and when I read it over a few hours later I realized that it could. And that it was just generally out of line. So I deleted it, hoping that bloglines would not pick it up and I could just pretend that it never happened. But it did get picked up, and so now you all know my inner asshole. Hopefully you'll forgive me this time, I'll work on squashing her some more, and we can still be friends?

Walking wounded

I play ice hockey with a bunch of guys every Tuesday morning. Today I got in the way of a slap shot (inadvertantly, my modus operandi is usually 'get the hell out of the way'). I took the shot off the inside of my thigh, where there is zero protection. I'm finding the bruise and associated swelling quite fascinating. You can actually see the track down the middle where the puck hit!

Updates

I think CB is on the way - know why I think that? Because I'm getting my second yeast infection in a month (and my temp was down today too). The little booklet that came with the medicine I got last time did say that it could be associated with AF. Never happened to me before, but now, both cycles! Post-coital burning last night was NOT a pleasant sensation. I really hope this is not going to be a monthly occurrence. On the plus side, it looks like my LP this month will be 8 days, up from 5 last month. Heading in the right direction, at least!

Long term effects

DD mentioned in a recent post how she was always the last one picked for teams through her school years.

Me too.

And as I was reading her post I was thinking about how my status in the social hierarchy during my early teen years has affected me through the rest of my life.

As a kid I was not particularly athletic, nor particularly popular. I had my friends, but we were definitely not the cool crowd - in fact, I often joke that I was a 'band geek'. I did go to music camp. My life was about academics, band, chorus, orchestra, small ensemble, and my friends who were mostly into the same things.

I was quite shy. An introvert. I moved to a new school when I was in third grade, and the teachers called my parents in; I wasn't playing with the other children during recess, but rather reading books.

I always wanted so desperately to fit in, to be cool, to be liked. Not to be laughed at. I was a late bloomer, and often got teased about it. In sixth grade I was standing next to the trash bin and one of the boys used me to bank a crumpled piece of paper off to 'score'. And then made a lovely joke about how I was flat enough to be a backboard. I got teased for my shoes - I had the velcro kind with cartoon characters on them, even in sixth grade. Never wore those again.

I didn't drink or go to parties, wasn't sexually active until late in high school. All of which meant that I was on the outside looking in. Another incident that will always stay with me was Halloween of sophomore year of high school; my little group of friends got together at my house, dressed up and went trick or treating. Of course we happened to go to the house of one of our classmates who was having a party - the laughter when he opened the door and saw us was particularly cruel.

I got used to being an observer. Wanting desperately to participate, but afraid to do so. Used to being left out, overlooked, picked last.

That feeling has stayed with me well into my adult years. I'm a lot less shy, have become athletic, have taken on plenty of leadership positions, and am well-liked in any group situation I'm in, I still have the fears of being left behind and laughed at.

Case in point - when I went to NYC to meet up with the two ladies I had met on the HA board. They have each flown cross-country to visit the other, so clearly know each other much better than I do. As we walked from the park where we had met up for lunch back to the trump towers for the babies' naps, I was totally anticipating them walking side by side, conversing with each other while I walked behind trying despearately to be part of it. To my surprise and pleasure, my fears were totally unfounded. Sometimes the three of us wuold talk, sometimes, me and L, or me and S, or S and L, but I didn't feel like a third wheel as I was totally expecting to.

Then this week I was at an offsite for work (my first nights away from Ant!). We had some unexpected free time on Wednesday afternoon, so a group of the 'cool' kids was going out for a drink. I asked them to wait for me while I ran up to my room, came back down anticipating that they would have left without me - but they were still there. Then we had a nice time, during which I was completely included in the conversation, and even some of the jokes and teasing that inevitably goes on in those situations.

So clearly I am not the social pariah that I once was, and most other people have grown out of the cliques of the high school era. But the innermost little girl in me is still so afraid!

How about you? Do you have any similar demons from middle and high school? If you were one of the popular crowd back then, do you have a different viewpoint on things, both then and now?

Cured!?!?!

As I'm sure you're all aware, I was crossing my breath and holding my fingers that I would cycle normally again after finishing breastfeeding.

I had one false alarm towards the end of BFing, and then a real ovulation right around the time I stopped, with the good old crimson bitch showing up a measly 5 days later. But she showed up!!!

Around CD10 of this cycle (and I am so excited that I can say that!) I started seeing some fertile signs, so started temping and OPKing. Today (CD20), I got a real positive OPK! Last time I had two days where the test line was almost as dark but not quite, and then did O after that - today's test was actually even darker than the control line. So I think I'm ready to call it - I no longer have hypothalamic amenorrhea. I may have other cycle issues, but it seems clear that my hypothalamus is sending out the signals it's supposed to be.

I am just over the moon!!!

Giving New Yorkers a bad name

A couple of weeks ago (yikes!) Ant and I went to NYC for the day to meet up with a couple of women I have met on the HA message board. It was a last minute decision to go - one of the women was visiting for the week from Colorado, so I decided that it was unlikely that I'd get another chance to see her anytime soon so I'd give it a shot.

I left on Tuesday night right around Ant's bedtime of 7pm, hoping that he'd fall asleep on the way down. He did, but not until 8:40 or so. He was reasonably content in his car seat, so that wasn't too bad. When we arrived in NYC, we were staying with a good friend of mine from college. (Sidebar - we realized we've known each other for over fifteen years, I can't believe college was that long ago!!!). Ant was SO excited when we arrived, there was no way my plan of putting him immediately in his Pack-n-Play to go to sleep was going to work. All the cars for him to look at "cah cah cah!", lights "ight, IGHT!" - just too much excitement. He finally went to sleep again at around 1am. And then of course we were awoken at 4am by a stupid truck blaring its horn right outside the window. I took Ant into the bed with me (which I hardly ever do), so he got some more sleep, but I really didn't.

The next day we hung out with my friend and her little dog, whom Ant totally loved. He kept sticking his hands out for the dog to lick. So cute. Then the pooch would try and lick Ant's face, he would put his hands up to push her away, and make the cutest expression of disgust. Too funny.

Around lunch time, we headed down to the subway to meet up with the other women from the HA board and their girls. I was a little dismayed to find that the subway system is not very handicap (i.e. stroller) accessible. I ended up walking about a mile to get to a station with an elevator, which took me down to the main concourse. I couldn't for the life of me find another elevator to get down to the tracks, so eventually asked a guy who looked like he worked there. After he looked around for a minute and couldn't find anything, he very nicely offered to help me carry the stroller down the stairs. Score one for the New Yorkers!

On the other end, I got out of the train, with no sign of elevators anywhere, so another random nice guy helped me get the stroller up all the stairs, and then even pointed me in the right direction. New Yorkers, plus two.

We had a really nice time with my compatriots and their daughters. We all had lunch in a park, then Ant needed a nap (I forgot to mention that in addition to his stroller I was toting around his Pack-n-Play - surprisingly it fit nicely in the bottom of our wheels). So we went back, not to S's apartment as it was very small, but to the apartment of a friend of hers where L was staying - in the Trump Towers. Very swish!

Ant took a decent nap, and then we had to get on our way to meet up with someone else from the board. I was walking at a reasonably good pace to get back to the subway station, as I was afraid we would be late, and of course my cell phone was dying. (What on earth did we do before cell phones???). I was on the far left of the sidewalk, and saw a man in camoflage walking on the far right. I thought to myself, "Oh, I hope he's going to the train station too, I'm sure he'd be willing to help me carry the stroller down". Yeah. Not so much. He turned to me all the way on the other side of the sidewalk as I passed him, and said in a thoroughly nasty tone of voice, "Oh sure, just push everyone out of your way". I turned to look at him because I got the sense he was talking to me but had no idea why, and he said "Yes, I'm talking to you. I don't know how you sleep at night".

I was so taken aback. Granted, with the Graco metrolite stroller, we were not exactly city friendly, but I didn't run into anyone, nor was I pushing anyone out of my way at all. And I was totally no where near him. I just found it so bizarre! And such a contrast to all the other people who had been so nice and helpful to me earlier. And again when I did get to the station. I was laughing to myself afterwards - he should have seen me earlier when S, L and I were walking three across with our strollers on the sidewalk, or maneuvering through the deli where we got our lunch.

The rest of the day was just lovely, and Ant slept the entire way home and didn't even wake up when we transferred him to his crib on my arrival. All in all I was very glad that we went. Except for that one jerk!

New score in - wolves 2, Nico - jackpot!!!

Chain of evidence:

Temp way down yesterday.

Signs of an imminent yeast infection. Lovely.

Some cramping in the am - felt much more like CB cramps than GI... ???

Purchased 1-day yeast infection treatment last night.

Used it.

Pantyliners today to deal with the drippage.

Lots of drippage.

Lots and LOTS of drippage.

Getting more and more pink-ish through the day????

Explanation number one - some wierd fungal disease turning my lady bits pink.

Explanation number two - crimson bitch?

End of day check suggests number two. Only a five day LP, but holy shit! An LP!!! An ovulation that I caught!!! The renowned crimson bitch paying a visit (with thanks to Mollywogger for a much better term than AF)!!!!!!

Yiipppppppppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Round two - wolves 2, Nico 0.

I'm amusing myself. Which is good because I think everyone else is sick of this train of thought.

My temp was up on Friday, up on Saturday and very clearly NOT up today. So unfortunately I think that this week's potential O was yet another false hope.

What I find very interesting, though, is that it was 29 days after the last time I thought I may have. So clearly something is going on with my hormones, I'm just not all the way there yet.

Stopped BFing completely as of Thursday - I have enough frozen milk to make it to that magical one year mark, and I'm taking that as good enough. Ant was not terribly pleased with me the last night we nursed, popping on and off and never really drinking much. I don't know if I just wasn't letting down quickly enough or what. So I'm not as sad about it as I thought I might be. In fact, I'm somewhat relieved.

No more wolves - I think!

Okay, so I've been diligently peeing on sticks every day since last Friday. Oh, how I missed it! (Not, and yet not!)

As I mentioned, I was getting essentially no line for the first few days. A line so faint that even when I squinted I wasn't sure I could actually see it. BUT! Two days ago, it was much darker. Still not a positive, not as dark as the control line, but damn close. And then yesterday the same.

And all kinds of crampy things going on last night.

Today's OPK was back to the nonexistent line again.

I think I should go to bed now so I can check my temp in the morning.

O.b.sessing!

am temp = up. cautiously optimistic!!!

The girl who cried "O, AF" (updated)

I have been obsessing. And obsessing. And trying not to obsess, but not managing. As is probably clear from the tenor of my last few posts.

Yesterday my back was hurting me which is my usual PMS symptom. I was initially writing it off as being due to the weeding I'd done the night before. But then I was sitting in a meeting, and started feeling all crampy. I totally couldn't concentrate on the meeting, all I could think was "maybe AF tomorrow????" "what if..." "do we want to start trying already?".... and so on and so on.

Then, I went to the loo, and lo and behold, EWCM?!?!?!? Quite stretchy, around an inch or so. So then I was thinking, maybe ovulation really is just around the corner this time??? Clearly my body is trying to do *something*.

I got home and actualy peed on a leftover OPK I had. No sign of any kind of second line whatsoever. Oh well.

Today's TP adventure, however - I have never ever seen so much CM, EVER. So I think I'm going to buy some more OPKs on my way home and try again.

Did I say that I'm obsessed???
***********************************
So I purchased a 20 pack of OPKs on my way home. Peed as soon as I arrived. That nervous anticipation you all know so well - and the result? A "light of a thousand suns" second line. WTF? I always thought that EW was related to LH, but I guess not! Must be estrogen??

Accidental weaning.

The only time I can manage to get some exercising in is first thing in the morning. So of the three days I go to work, I head to the gym first Mon/Thur, and play hockey on Tuesday mornings. The hockey is tough with nursing because I need to leave before Ant gets up. I used to dream feed him, but these days, if I pick him up to nurse he wakes up. So that's no good. The last few weeks M has been giving him a bottle when he gets up, and I've pumped at work.

Today was a bit of a funny day, because it turned out my mom hurt herself and couldn't come to babysit. So rather than going to work after hockey, I came back home. Fully intending to pump - but didn't! Ant has been asking for more milk every morning when he's finished nursing anyway, so it's clear that my supply is no longer keeping up with his demand. And after a day off, I can imagine it's going to be even worse. So we might be down to just one nursing session a day, by default.

I'm almost considering stopping now, but I want to be able to say that I nursed for a year. Being part of that 11% or whatever it is. Stupid, I know!

Sigh

Despite that I didn't really think that I had O'ed, based on my temps going back to my coverline 5 "dpo", I'm still a tiny bit bummed that the crimson bitch has not paid me a visit yet. (I think tomorrow is 14 "dpo"). And there is NO way that I'm pg, unless it was a virginal conception, so that's not it.

On one plus side (and WAY too much information, but it's my blog so too bad), I am having so much CM at the moment my panties were stuck to me tonight!

I'm planning on weaning Ant after his first birthday, which is in three short weeks. Un-fricking-real. I am continuing to believe that I've done what I needed to in not going crazy with weight loss post baby, and not exercising too much (ha, like that's even an option!), and that CB will make her much anticipated appearance a month or two (or even a few short weeks, can I dare to be so brazen?) after weaning is completed.

Since I stopped pumping while at work, and Ant stopped biting me, nursing has become a much more pleasant experience. Especially now, when speed nursing is the order of the day. 8 min one side, 4 min the other and we're done! He really likes to hold onto my arm when he's nursing now, I couldn't have imagined myself saying this even a month ago, but I'm going to miss it. I'm going to miss the feeling of that little hand patting my arm, and waving in the air searching for it when I go to pick up my book or my water bottle. Ant pointing at the nursing chair making the milk sign first thing in the morning, and the flapping of his arms when he sees me come in at night after Dad has read the bedtime stories, because he's so excited for his bedtime milk. Weaning is going to be a little harder than I imagined, I think. For both of us. So even though I'm excited to start cycling again (positive thinking, positive thinking), I'm a little nostalgic as well.