HFS!!!

The nurse called this morning and said we would be doing a day 5 transfer, on Monday. Someone else would call later on to let me know what time. I almost let her hang up, but then thought to ask how the embryos were doing.

Well. She counted, and said that all seven are still growing! Six are 8-cell, and one is a 10-cell.

So, we're scheduled for 11am on Monday.

Only thing is, the fact that ALL the embryos are still growing makes me think that producing embryos has not been the problem for the last year, rather getting them to hang around. I've been nervous ever since the D&C's that there's something wrong now such that embryos are not able to implant, and certainly this makes me feel even more that is the case. HOPEFULLY I am wrong and one of those embryos will snuggle in nicely just a few days from now.

Whew!

We got 13 eggs at ER yesterday. I was sore afterwards, but a heating pad and some tylenol helped enough that I was able to cook a birthday dinner and cake for DH (after a two-hour nap in the afternoon!)

Overnight I spent some time lying awake imagining A) that all the eggs were immature because of the early trigger, or B) that none fertilized and the lab had to do rescue ICSI which would end up being unsuccessful.

It was a long wait today until the nurse called... but the news was not as bad as I had feared - 8 eggs were mature and of those, 7 fertilized. Not too shabby. They will call again Sat morning to let us know about a day 3 vs. 5 transfer. Since I'm only transferring one I'm hoping for day 5, we'll see.

In other fabulous news, we *finally* got the building permit signed off for our new house, so barring anything really unforseen we will get our certificate of occupancy tomorrow and move early next week. YAY! (We bought the property April of 2009 and started framing in November so it's been a LONG time coming!)

OWW!

Trigger last night wasn't too bad, I thought. DH did pretty well with getting the needle in, and that part really wasn't painful. He then drew back on the syringe like you're supposed to, and at first got bubbles, but then said he was getting a little blood.

The IM injection tutorial we had watched said that if that happened, to discard the syringe and remix. Well, we didn't HAVE anymore, so I told him to go ahead.

Seemed okay at the time, but MAN am I sore today. My whole left side feels sore, from about my hip to my upper thigh. Worse than when I've fallen on that area when playing hockey (my pads don't cover it well). I wonder if that's why they tell you to try again. Will ask at my ER - if i feel this way after every PIO shot I will be one hurting mama by the end of the 2ww, let alone anything that comes after!

Then my ovaries are also quite tender, and it doesn't help when they get kicked or punched.

I don't know if I'm going to feel better or worse tomorrow! (Well, today.)

Already???

So here's how my cycle has gone so far:

Started stims (150U Gonal-F, 75U Menopur) last Sunday.
First u/s Weds morning, ~10 follicles in the 7-10 range.
Second u/s Fri morning, e2 329, ~10 follicles from 10-12mm.
Third u/s Sun morning e2 1100-ish, ~10 follicles from 13-15mm, guess by doc of trigger on Tues
Today, e2 up to 1727, ~8 follicles from 14-16mm, guess by doc of trigger on Tues

So, they only seem to be growing ~1mm per day, but apparently after getting my b/w back today they decided I should trigger tonight for ER on Weds.

I'm a little worried that we won't get many mature eggs as most IVF docs seem to like to trigger when the biggest follicle is closer to 18-20. I'm guessing that they are getting nervous about OHSS and so wanted to trigger me sooner rather than later. I keep repeating to myself that OHSS really sucks and that if we get five mature eggs instead of 10, all we need is one. I'm just hoping that we do get at least a few!

So.... if you know of any happy endings with early-ish triggers, please do tell!

(I'm also nervous about the silly IM shot in a few hours. Hopefully those nerves will be groundless like they have been for the other shots.)

Soooo close!

After 10 Lupron shots, I finally got to my baseline scan this morning.

I was super nervous beforehand, butterflies in my tummy and all, which I think is kinda silly but it is what it is.

It didn't help that I had been telling myself I needed to leave the house at 7:45 for an 8:15 apt (takes 20 min to get there), but then decided at 7:44 that I should make myself some tea and toast. So I ended up leaving at 7:53 instead, which is really cutting it a little close.

I arrived at the hospital at 8:10 (had some good traffic light karma and went a leetle fast which is always fun in my convertible.)

And then Murphy being as he is, the garage I always park in and have NEVER had trouble finding a spot in before was FULL. And when I say full I really mean it - I drove all the way from level 1 down to level 6 and back up again and there was not ONE spot (aside from the approximately 100 handicap spots, I really think someone needs to do a better job of figuring out how many of those are actually necessary). Fortunately as I came up to the very last level of allowed parking there was a guy walking down, so I snagged his spot after he pulled out. But by that time it was already 8:20 and i was now LATE. Ugh.

So I hightailed it up to the doc's office, and fortunately they were fairly blase about my tardiness. Whew.

Scan was all good, lining was 4mm (which is actually a little thicker than I was expecting, but I am still bleeding so that may be why), and my ovaries were "small", with 8 antral follicles on the left, and 7-8 on the right or vice versa. Whatever, pretty good for an old bag ;) So I got the all clear to start my stims tomorrow night.

I actually considered starting tonight because I'm so anxious to move forward. But I restrained myself. I have made a bargain with myself that for this first cycle I am going to trust what they tell me. If this one doesn't work out, then I will become a bitch. :D

Although working out? I honestly can't even fathom it. I'm trying this because I believe it's our best shot, but I can't imagine actually getting a BFP out of it.

Two shots down, 43-ish (+ ongoing PIO hopefully) to go!

I was super nervous before my first Lupron shot. Didn't particularly make sense, as I've certainly done a lot before with my injectable cycles... but this was different because it was in my thigh. So I didn't get to sleep until around 3:30 the morning before my first one.

When I finally dragged myself out of bed, I figured I had to get to it. After the requisite prep I squeezed the area of my thigh I was going to inject into, stuck the needle in (whatevs, it was *nothing*), let go of my thigh and pressed the plunger. When I withdrew the needle, yikes some liquid came out along with a little blood. And then i started *itching*. Weird feeling. I got a welt about an inch in diameter.

Felt as if I was on an adrenaline high for about three hours afterwards, until I finally managed to calm down.

I didn't think the shot went totally to plan, certainly it seemed to me that the amount of liquid that came out was a goodly proportion of what I had put in, so I called the nurse. She suggested that I continue to hold the area I was injecting into rather than letting go in the middle. worked like a charm, this morning's attempt was way better. No itchiness either.

i did do this morning's shot sitting in my closet so the boys who were playing just outside the bedroom wouldn't see me and ask too many questions if they came in.

Responding to comments

I often get comments from "anon" or people who have set up blogger accounts, but I can't respond. So I will write back in comments, but I never know if they get to the original poster. Josey posted on how to set up your profile so that ICAN respond to your comments, and it can still be completely anon if you like - you just set up a new, not related to you IRL, email address.

See her post here for more details.

here we go...

Got my IVF "calendar" today.

Continue with bcp until 7/11.
Start Lupron 10U 7/7
Baseline u/s 7/16
Start stims 7/17 150U Gonal-F, 75U Menopur, Lupron down to 5U
First monitoring 7/20
ER sometime week of 7/25
ET 3-5 days later.

Ack!!!

(And, throw in moving to our new house, FINALLY, on 7/12)

Hypothalamic Amenorrhea BFP

I've been tracking pregnancies on the fertilethoughts hypothalamic amenorrhea thread for about four years now. I think that the stats are quite interesting, and definitely belie the common wisdom in the RE community that A) women with HA can "gain 50lbs and still not get their cycles back", and B) "Clomid doesn't work if you have HA". To wit:

Total pregnancies: 240

First post-HA pregnancy: 190 pg
Natural*: 54 (28%)
Clomid**: 52 (27%)
Clomid + injectables: 7 (4%)
Injectables: 47 (25%)
IVF: 27 (14%)

HA vets - subsequent pregnancies: 50 pg
Natural: 38 (76%)
Clomid: 3 (6%)
Injectables: 6 (12%)
IVF: 3 (6%) - one first from adoption, one from injects, one from IVF

m/c rate: 20%

Notes:
1. First post-HA pregnancy is not necessarily a first pregnancy as some develop HA after having a child already due to overexercise / underfueling.
2. I have grouped Femara and Clomid together in these stats
3. Due to miscarriages, some people are represented multiple times
4. Injectables is usually Menopur as with HA we need LH in addition to FSH to have the best response to injectable cycles. Some people have used FSH + hcg or Luveris. FSH alone is more likely to lead to cycle cancellation.
5. The proportion of BFP from injectables has decreased to about 17% if you look at the last three years only - since the Clomid extended protocol paper came out.

* 8 were natural after clomid, 5 of those after extended clomid
** 9 were extended clomid

CD4

No waiting to do IVF miracle for me this time around :( The crimson bitch showed up late Wednesday, so Thursday was officially CD1. I called the RE to let them know, and they said I should start bcp that night.

I took T to the grocery store, and figured I could pick up my prescription while I was there, perfect. Except they didn't HAVE my prescription. I called the RE again, but it was closing time so didn't hear back. I figured it wouldn't be a big deal if I didn't start the pill until the following day, so didn't stress about it.

The next day they called and said they had sent the prescription again. My plan was to pick it up on my way out in the afternoon. Except I would have needed to go in the opposite direction, and didn't remember until I was on my way. Oh well. I was going out with my girls later and thought I would grab the pills on my way there.

Well, i was about two minutes away from my friend's house in Boston when i remembered. Drove ALL THE WAY back to the grocery store near my house. fortunately I had 10 min to spare. i wondered if my subconscious was trying to tell me it was not on board with my plans. then i decided I'm just too tired i can't think straight.

I'm supposed to call on Friday to get the full schedule of when I start Lupron and stims. Good times.

Inspiration for Overcoming Hypothalamic Amenorrhea

There have been an number of great, inspirational posts over at the HA board on the FertileThoughts forum. I thought I would collect a few of them here (with the author's permission.)

LindsayAnn wrote 6/19

I am feeling hopeful...almost too hopeful...like if it doesn't happen I know i will be crushed...but even so I gotta tell you all that it is so worth it just to even respond to the clomid with that follie/lining and then to see the smiley OPK, ovulate, etc....just knowing i responded is great. It is worth this past year and a half plus of TTC on my own. Weight gain...lifestyle change, etc...worth it ALL and then some. So please everyone keep going. If I can get to the point of responding/ovulating then I promise you ALL can too. I treated my body like crap, complete crap...for years and years. No longer I swear to God I will never go back to that type of lifestyle

Lawgirl wrote 6/21

The word I keep thinking of is FREEDOM. It is so freeing not to be wed to a workout schedule, eating only certain foods prepared in a certain way at specific times. It is freeing to no longer calculate how I’m going to squeeze in a work out. Instead, I can be fully present at work and for the people I love.

LindsayAnn wrote

"...thinness does not equal fertileness....quite the opposite. Your body wants extra padding, a bit of fat and curves to signal it can carry a baby and enable a baby to grow inside of you. No extra energy/fat supplies = no way your body will enable an environment to create a new life. Where as a 'thin/fit' might have been your previous goal (mine too...ALL of us), your new goal (please correct me if I am wrong here) is "healthy weight/still beautiful (promise you on that)/baby-producing body'...and, in order to do that you really need to gain....I think even more than 10 pounds. I know that SOUNDS scary, but after the first couple pds you will realize it's not nearly as scary as we imagine it to be. TRUST ME ON THIS. Like I said, I an 5 feet tall...29 years old....I was living the past 10 years of my life 20-30 pds lighter than now (not kidding...lowest weight was 67pds....typing that now makes me shudder at how bad that was,,,I just didn't see that reality then...now I sure as hell see it!)......I look much MUCH better now. I promise you. My body is a lot happier now too...as is my mind. It was hard...it still is at times...but I promise it will be worth it soon once I have a baby. Actually, scratch that...it already is worth it. I am more satisfied, confident (who woulda thought)(even with my bad.fat feeling days...still I feel more sexy and confidant) and content in who I am and what life is all about. It is sure as hell NOT about a weight or a **** number. I am more than that. And, guess what? So. Are. You."

Jambaby wrote

"Oh... I also want to point out a few things:


1. the MOMENT you get your BFP, the weight gain (even a gruesome 30 pounds) is worth it. Immediately!

2. Even if you fail progesterone, keep on trucking. I ended up ovulating naturally only 6 weeks after failing it. So don't lose hope!!

3. I have NO detectable EWCM, ever. And I still got pregnant. So don't fret. (I used preseed).

4. I am saddened by my mistakes - 6 years of undereating & amnorrhea.... but really proud that our bodies CAN overcome this!!!!! "

Jambaby:

"I have to post this because I am absolutely ENLIGHTENED...

A year ago, I was still perpetually aiming to live off ~1100 net calories a day. I was maintaining my (thin) weight with that. And I truly thought that if I ever went over (to, say, 1600), I'd keep gaining and gaining and gaining...

Anyways, as of July 2010, I made HUGE lifestyle changes. I took the plunge because I wanted a BABY more than anything. As in, NO MORE CALORIE-COUNTING. I began eating WHATEVER I want, and then some. And now, 10 months later (full of "liberated" eating...), I realize I am NOT gaining. In fact, I haven't gained AT ALL since November!!!

So yes, truly liberated eating did result in slowly and steadily gaining weight over 4 months (as per my intent, anyways)... but after that, my weight just NATURALLY plateaued. I am still within a healthy BMI range!

And believe me, I have been eating TONNES. Lots of healthy foods, AND also a tonne of junk (oops! ). I don't think twice about reaching for that second (or third) cookie! Without calculating how many calories to burn at the gym afterward...

Anyways, so over the past 10 months I have been eating a net of 2200-ish calories per day... sometimes more, sometimes less... and the fact that my body has settled at a "happy weight" is absolutely Shocking to me.

I am posting this to show you (and show myself!) that indeed, our bodies WILL find a comfy, "happy" weight! So PLEASE do not fear "liberated eating". Now that I am on the "other side" (as in, eating LOTS, cycles have returned), even though I still haven't got my BFP I am truly 1000x happier than I was when I was restricting calories - food is enjoyment, and this basic enjoyment is an important part of living a happy life.

This is truly a lesson that our bodies DO indeed need those calories.. a lesson I was too "scared" to believe earlier. I worried that my metabolism was busted... and that I needed to stay at 1100 forever... but our bodies BOUNCE BACK! Believe me, OUR BODIES WILL SPEED UP TO ACCOMMODATE THE EXTRA FOOD INTAKE! And they will eventually find a "happy", healthy weight to sit at.

Anyhow, even if this helps just 1 person, then I am glad I posted this rambly "discovery"."

AngelWings:

"We have to remember:
a) we will never be 'fat' or even 'overweight'! And even if our weight gets a little higher than we'd like, we can make it come back down after we achieve our dream.
b) Never underestimate your willpower - you will never loose that desire to run/exercise and eat healthily. It's just on hold for a while while you TTC and reach your dreams. For ages i thought if i let it go, i may never get back my motivation. Now i realise that it's harder for us to go the other way, we are going against what is natural for us.
c) While we think we are turning into whales, the difference isn't all that significant. DH/partners will often comment on our long lost boobs. They look at the positives.
d) Pregnancy = weight gain. Temporarily. And to get to to the BFP, we have to start the process.
e) I'd rather have HA than some other forms of IF, like early menopause, severe fibroids or endometriosis. Or even some other unexplained form that is so rare a cure isn't known. We can reverse our HA with lifestyle changes and failing that, there are meds available that make us ovulate to give us as much chance as anyone. We are 'potentially' fertile, our eggs are just waiting for us to get our body into a healthy place ("reproductively" healthy!).
f) When i'm feeling down, i look around everywhere... not just at the people i want to be like. If we really look, we'll see that our bodies are still 'lean' and attractive. I'm not all "love yourself on the inside", because i know how much our appearance on the outside can control the level of happiness within. It's a combination."

Jambaby 12/17:

I'm re-inspired to keep plodding along. Here are my reasons to STAY POSITIVE/LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE!!!!!

1. DH and I booked a trip to Disneyworld for February, and if I'm not pregnant by then, at least I won't be miserable with pregnancy nausea, and I can ride all the hardcore roller coasters
*And if I am pregnant by then, well I will be so thrilled about it that I won't mind touring the park at a slower pace/missing out on rides :P

2. I am tallying up how much extra money we will pocket for every additional month without a BFP. Essentially, the longer it takes till I go on maternity leave, the more paycheques I will receive, so the more it pads our savings account.... which means paying off our mortgage sooner, maybe I will treat myself to a nicer stroller (after a loong TTC journey, we all deserve nice strollers, lol), etc.

3. If I don't get pregnant in the next few months, I'll be able to squeeze in one more fun vacation with my hubby this summer, without being very pregnant (and therefore unable to fly) or overly uncomfortable.

4. Reminding myself that I am in the HOME STRETCH now. The worst part (denial, weight gain, getting over body image issues, waiting for my first period) is over. Now that my period is back, it really is just a matter of a few more cycles! And 1 year from now, it won't matter at all if baby was conceived 2-3 months sooner.

5. Knowing that many girls with HA have lower bone mineral density, I am using my pre-pregnancy months to STOCK UP on calcium and vitamin D... replenishing what I lost during my HA days, and stocking up so that I have lots of calcium & nutrients for pregnancy requirements.

6. I have only been at my current job for 1 year. The longer I am at it, the better I will get at it (making it easier to return to after my maternity leave), the stronger my professional reputation will be, the less sheepish I will feel about announcing my pregnancy, etc etc.

7. If I end up having a December baby (conceive in March or April) or later, it means my maternity leave may actually be 1.5 years (instead of the standard 1 year leave here in Canada). I work at a school, and it seems like around here they grant your leave until the following September - less disruptive for the students.

Jambaby 9/19/10:

I am making a list of Reasons to Stay Positive because I always feel better reading other girls' posts like this

*Out of all the causes of IF, this really IS the "best" one to have. Reversible, our parts are in working order (but just on hiatus right now!).. DEFINITELY a reason to be grateful. I HAVE OVARIES! I HAVE EGGS! I HAVE A UTERUS! Score!

*It's a life lesson: Because I am so motivated to get pregnant, I am motivated to gain weight. And through this, I've learned that LIFE IS TOO SHORT to restrict calories. Life is too short to cut out giant bagels and alfredo pasta from my life....
And after I eventually have a baby and try to lose the post-pregnancy weight, I will not go back to my old habits. This experience has taught me all about BALANCE... and that truly, nobody cares a little extra wobbly bits on me!

(If not for being SO MOTIVATED to get pregnant, I really don't think I would have ever dared to gain weight/get over my fears! This is truly a liberating experience....)

*In fact, this is a genuine wake up call that it really IS healthier to have wobbly bits. The media and health/fitness industry sure can skew us into thinking you need a flat stomach to be "healthy".

*My definition of 'FITNESS' is much more sustainable and fun: Instead of working off as many calories as I can on a boring machine, fitness now consists of trying different classes (yoga, pilates, dancing).... much more fun, and who cares if I'm burning less calories per hour.... fitness is now something I can truly ENJOY for the next 50 years, instead of a chore.

*Realizing that EVERYONE has a struggle. Whether it's IF, whether it's financial, other health problems, relationship woes... we don't get to pick our tough spots, but we sure are in control of how we respond.

So really, this experience is making me:
-More patient... (which will probably also make me a better parent...)
-More grateful for everything I do have (good health, great husband, etc)
-A better understanding of "healthy" eating - it's about balance!
-More time in my day to be sedentary and read, knit, etc, without feeling guilty
-An appreciation for TRUE fitness - trying out different classes, being outdoors... NOT trying to burn as many calories as I can into my 30 minutes on a machine.

Jambaby 10/7/10:

Regrets:

5 years ago, I would have recognized that my period stopping = a sign that I need to cut back on the cardio/"healthy" eating, NOT interpreted a sign to feel like I'm a "real athlete" and "super fit" since I made my period disappear.
-Would not have gone on birth control to "fix" the problem.
-When I finally went off the pill this April, I wish I wouldn't have been excited by the fact that I wasn't feeling as hungry (no more female hormones in me?) which enabled me to get by eating less and inspired to lose another 5-10 pounds. Argh!

Blessings:

-Finding this board in July. I am SO glad I took immediate action. Including buying a massive tub of Nutella and finishing it within 2-3 days
-Enjoyed pigging out on unlimited junk food for a month to get a headstart on the weight gain, then went back to healthy food (but made sure to eat lots of it)!
-Discovering that there's more to life than visiting the gym every day! I will NEVER be the same person again.
-Also discovering the joy of cheese and pasta... YUM! Again, I will never be the same deprived person again...
-Really, the longer it takes to conceive, it means the more time we have to accumulate savings, which means we can pay off our house faster... which results in BIG savings down the road.
-Like Nico, who has been an absolutely angel and helping all of us here on the board get through HA, I want to pass the torch and spread the word so girls later down the road don't have to go through this alone.

Jambaby 10/14/10:

...I agree with you on the weight gain! I used to think it would SUCK to gain, say, 5 or 10 pounds... so much that I would choose Diet Coke, aspartame-filled yogurt instead of natural... etc etc..

BUT now, man oh man. For me, it has actually a blessing in disguise to go through this and gain some weight. I forgot how tasty lasagna is!
And how much more free time I have without the gym!
And how fun it can be to eat a cookie or two without secretly counting how many calories need to be worked off later!

And actually, my former "potbelly" that always bugged me (when I was at my lightest!) actually now looks in PROPORTION with the rest of my body - it doesn't make me look like a skinny pregnant woman anymore, which suggests that my body really was not quite balanced /properly fueled before!

YAHHH weight gain! (PLUS, As Nico said, it will be easy to lose some of the weight* post-baby. *But we must be careful not to go all extreme and develop HA again!)

We've got a plan, Stan!

Unsurprisingly, this latest cycle was another BFN - also with a bizarrely long LP (BFN at 16dpo so I stopped progesterone that night, didn't get my period until 18dpo!) So I think maybe I don't have any LP problems anymore and will just quit with this progesterone junk.

DH finally got his SA scheduled, and results from that were pretty normal, somewhat to both our surprise. So we're just in the unexplained IF bucket at this point.

I had my followup appointment with Dr. C a few days after that, during which she told me our insurance would probably make us do two cycles of injectibles before we could do IVF, and that the fact that we would do single embryo transfer would not fly with them as a reason to do IVF, as given my age they would be recommending that we transfer two. I tried three times to get her to answer my question as to WHY ovulation induction with injectibles would give us a better chance of pregnancy than natural ovulation (assuming we were aiming for only one mature follicle), and she kept going back to when I had HA and was doing injectibles then, and did not even come close to answering my actual question. By the end I was having a hard time holding back tears. I just felt like she wasn't listening to me at all (not so different from when I first went to see her, I suppose).

So, our plan, as we did NOT want to do injectible cycles, was going to be to ttc naturally for a few more months (maybe with a natural IUI thrown in for shits and giggles), and if no luck, then pay for an IVF cycle on our own, perhaps with a different clinic that had been highly recommended to me. Dr. C did agree to submit to insurance for approval for IVF on a long shot, and said we'd hear on that in a few days.

Well, to my utter shock and astonishment, the insurance coordinator called me back a few days later, and said that we were approved for two IVF cycles straight away! Wow! My friend at work had said that was the case, but Dr. C was so negative about it, i assumed that there was no chance in hell.

So... we'll finish out this hail mary cycle, and then get started on bcp or whatever next cycle, which would put us at ER at the end of July / beginning of August. I'm excited - and a little scared too. But mostly excited and probably way too hopeful.

I did call for an apt at the other clinic - they didn't have any openings until August, and that schedule isn't even out yet so I couldn't actually make one. So I figure we'll see how this cycle goes, and re-evaluate from there, if need be. Hopefully not! (I'm really hoping that I can talk them into a single embryo transfer, otherwise the point may be moot. I am NOT transferring more than one.)

Bloodwork n stuff.

My doc's office posts bloodwork results online which I think is super cool as i can just look them up myself without having to speak to anyone.

I'm totally stoked about my numbers - e2 23, FSH 6.5, LH 6.6. LH has never been anywhere close to that before, my last results were 1.7 when I had HA and 2.4 before I conceived Timmy. Interestingly, that's my lowest e2 result - clearly not correlated with HA, for me. I was worried that my FSH might be creeping high, but that's still really good, and I had 16 antral follicles at my AF scan (I wonder if that's where the AF / Aunt Flo moniker originated??) so that's all good news.

Hysteroscopy to check on the fibroid from my saline u/s, and mock transfer tomorrow.

Ducks are getting lined up. Now I just have to get DH to call for a sperm analysis.

in case you're wondering

I did not take my progesterone last night, with the expectation of a BFN this morning, if I was surprised I could have taken the progesterone at that point. Not surprised by the POAS result.

Finally started spotting this afternoon, thank goodness. I was a little worried that the crimson bitch would not show which would put a wrench in my ivf plans.

So, intake appointment and CD3 b/w and u/s on Wednesday. Hopefully my numbers aren't too bad and we can move forward from there.

I don't even know what to think.

I called the IVF clinic yesterday and have an appointment with an RE next Weds, and they've put in the slips for me to do CD3 b/w and u/s over the weekend. (I know!)

But, Still no sign of red anywhere. AND my temp was up quite high for me this morning. I had said that I wouldn't test again until tomorrow, but I have no willpower with tests in the house. So I peed on the second one of the pack that jumped into my basket.

And it was still stark snowy white.

WTF??

I'm pretty sure that my O date is correct (http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/1bae1f) so what the hell?

I will call my RE's nurse today and ask if I can get a beta tomorrow if still no blood.

It almost has me thinking that maybe the pg tests are bad? Way to fuck with me, universe!!! At this point I'm just laughing about it.

Hope really is a little bitch.

I should really know by now NOT to do any 2ww symptom analyzing. It just doesn’t lead to good things for me.

This cycle I started feeling some cramps at 8dpo, and I noticed that it was a bit more slippery when I was inserting my progesterone, both of which happened when I got my BFP with A.

So of course the mind starts ticking…

A few days later, I noticed that my bbs were sore when I was going down the stairs at a decent clip. Hmmmmm, goes me.

Until I realized the next day that it was actually my chest that was sore, probably from some exercises I had done Friday that I wasn’t used to. The day after that I actually figured out that it’s my ribcage area that’s sore, I think from my underwire bra (I desperately need new ones, but keep saying to myself that I’ll get them AFTER I have the baby. Ha ha ha.)

So bye-bye to that symptom. But, my temp was still up, when it’s usually dropped to around my coverline by this point, still feeling crampy, still feeling slippery.

I had resolved to follow my usual (as of the last few cycles) no testing until I’m officially late.

But then I had to go to the grocery store and a pregnancy test just jumped into my basket. I tried to stop it, but it was a feisty little bugger.

Decided to use it the next morning (13dpo) to manage expectations. Because I really was getting my hopes up, and would rather get a negative now, if that’s the way the chips are going to fall, than have two more days to imagine and hope.

Thought about it falling asleep, who was I going to share the good news with first and how?

Except that when I got up and peed on said test, it was completely totally stark white. So barren that I couldn’t even *guess* as to the location of the putative second line. So much for good news to share. La la la I know that it’s early, but if I’m pregnant, based on past history there should at least be a shadow of a line.

So. I’ve actually been thinking about doing one hail mary IVF, since we’ve now had well over the 6 BFN cycles that would be required to label me as infertile given my “advanced maternal age”. Apparently it is covered by my insurance and I wouldn’t have to go through IUI cycles first.

I’m feeling quite a strong sense of déjà vu. Before we had kids I was all, “if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be, if not I’ll do other things with my life and that will be okay”. That is so easy to say when you think you’ll be getting pregnant lickety split. And I feel the same way now. A few months ago I had said to DH that I wasn’t interested in doing any kind of treatments this time around, if it’s not meant to be then it’s not, and our lives would probably be easier without a third child – but again, I’m finding that I’m not quite so blasé about the idea anymore. So now lets see if I convince him or the other way around.

My entry in this year's "Moron of the Year" contest

This happened a couple of weeks ago, but I thought y'all might get a kick out of it. I do in retrospect...

It all starts a few months ago - we let the kids play in the car on a fairly regular basis, it's in a garage so it's not going to go anywhere, and it's a great way to entertain them. Well, I guess the battery is getting old, so they managed to run it down a few times. We took it in for service and they confirmed that the battery was on its last legs - but we chose not to get it replaced, figuring we'd save some money by getting a few more months out of it. And down the slippery slope go, with mistake #1.

We had been away, and got home from FL Thursday night, so my plan was to let the boys play at home Friday am, then run some errands in the afternoon. They played in the car while I gathered up all the things we wanted / needed to bring with us on our errands, (mistake #2). A also got our portable battery (which I have used to jumpstart the car on multiple previous occasions, running down the battery is a thing with me) and they were playing with that too, using it's light to shine on things (mistake #3). So I finally get everything ready and go to start the car. No dice. Wasn't even turning over a tiny bit. So I think, "no biggie, I'll just use the portable battery". I go and hook that up, press the start button - the engine turns over, but not very healthily, and car won't start. BAH! So I think, "maybe we should just stay home." But, I see our neighbors across the street are home, so maybe I can get a jump from them. Mistake #4. I go over and check, and they do in fact have jumper cables. Cool! I say, "I'll just go push the car out, and meet you down here". I think, "Maybe I should ask for help?" but don't want to put them out. Mistake #5. So I go back up our driveway, hop in the drivers seat and try pushing with my foot to get the car backing out of the garage. Not enough traction. I hop back out, and hold onto A's door, using that for leverage. Works great! My plan is to get the car started, then hop back in. Mistake #6. I think you can probably get an inkling of where this is going... at the magical moment when the car has enough momentum I go to open the driver's door, but can't because it's right next to the garage door. holy fucking shit is what I'm thinking at this point.

And unfortunately, that was the last opportunity I had. At this point, the car is going faster and faster (our driveway is quite steeply sloped), and I just can't turn, open the door and hop in fast enough. So now I'm running next to the car, holding onto A's door trying with all my might to stop the damn thing and screaming, "NO NO NO NO NO NO". Down our driveway we trundle, across the road.... down through the neighbor's yard which also has a nice slope to it, I'm thinking, "I have a little more traction here, can I stop it?" I dig my heels in the best I can, but the answer is no, a 130lb woman against a two-ton car has no chance in hell. So *CRASH* we go, into our neighbor's house.

Fortunately, no-one was hurt, the car did not actually go INTO the house, more like just bounced off, so all in all it could have been way worse (like if a car was coming when we were zooming across the road!). But what a total complete bonehead move on my part!!!!! I swore in front of the kids for the first time ever, I couldn't stop myself from just saying "Fuck fuck fuck jesus christ fuck!" for about two minutes while T screamed (I was trying to get him out but couldn't open his door because it was in the bushes so ended up getting him out on A's side) T stopped crying shortly thereafter and I was able to control my potty mouth. My neighbor was so good about it, I apologized profusely about a thousand times!

It's all being covered by my car insurance, although I did have a moment's worry because I was not actually *driving* the car...

Glum

I've completely given up on taking pregnancy tests, I got totally sick of seeing that stark whiteness every time. I just wait until the stupid crimson bitch shows up. Which, when I'm on progesterone as I have been on all the cycles I've "tried" in a while, usually happens at 14-15dpo. Last cycle it was at 14, which was good because my birthday was at 15dpo so I had a day to get over it and not ruin my birthday. This cycle, 14dpo came and went. Every time I went to the bathroom and there was no sign of the Bitch I stupidly let my hopes get a little higher and a little higher. Unfortunately, mid-day, there she was.

I had been telling myself that it was okay, that I was okay, but kinda lost it the next day when a bunch of stupid little things happened all in a row. We were out to dinner and ran into a good friend whom I hadn't called after her son had an endoscopy and was feeling really shitty about that, and I just couldn't hold it together. I think it was a combo of period hormones, yet another failed cycle sadness, hot, tired, hungry (we were on vacation), and feeling guilty about my friend but I couldn't stop the tears from coming.

When we got back to internet land on Saturday I posted on the HA boards about the stupid Bitch showing up and got tears in my eyes at that point too. This cycle has hit me much harder than the previous ones. I feel like a third child is not in our cards after all, and that makes me sadder than I thought it would. I really do have a a pretty good life right now and I am super thankful for that (especially my two lovely boys) and for a long time I've told myself that if we don't have a third I will be okay. And I will. But now that that seems more of a reality it's making me sadder than I expected. I know there is still some hope, but we're officially back in IF territory now that we've been trying for over six months (seven cycles to be exact) and I'm well over 35. And I absolutely do not want twins so I'm not interested in clomid or injectibles. I think I will call my OB on Monday and see about scheduling the saline hysterogram she had offered last year, so that I can know if something is structurally wrong and then make the decision to fix it or not. But I don't know if I have it in me to go further than that.

I've been tagged by my very good friend Amanda over at Our Fertility Journey (yes, a while ago, what can I say) and this looks like another fun one! I'm also tickled pink to actually have been tagged for something - even when I was much more active in the blog world I very rarely got tagged and sometimes felt the same way I did when I got picked last in gym class. Stupid, I know!

Here's how it works:

Rule #1: the tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule #2: tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (ok, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tag-ee must state who tagged them.

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family? No pets. I had a cat growing up, but when DH and I got together we weren't home enough and until the kids are older I don't want the extra work

2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be? My dream right now is to go back to school for an MD when the kids are older. To become an RE. I don't know if I'm going to be able to make that happen. I considered going to med school when I was younger, but decided against it as I didn't see myself wanting to be with patients - if only I knew then what I know now, and how much I'm loving helping others with HA.

3. What would you do with a billion dollars? Honestly I can't even imagine. For me, we'd by a second home in South Africa, and an airplane so I could fly us there (another of my dreams is to get my pilot's license some day, much more likely than #2). Philanthropically (because no-one needs that much money) I'd want to do something to help kids and families - maybe something like providing free daycare for those in need.

4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood? Depends what caused the bad mood. Things like my m/c or yet another bfn - my boys really help. When it's just been one of those days with the two monsters, ice hockey or getting together with friends.

5. What is your bedtime routine? Think for an hour, "okay I'm going upstairs now", finally do it, pee, wash face, brush teeth, think about how I really should floss and decide to do it tomorrow, put my retainers in, face/hand lotion on, drink 16oz of water (I do not drink enough during the day!), pajamas and bed. (and a lovely progesterone suppository if I'm in another 2ww).

6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other? Beer hour at the company we both worked for. Funny thing was, I was interested in him from the get-go, made up an excuse to go to see him in his cube the next week, and he was *all* business. No dice. It took him a YEAR to figure out I was into him! (Probably for the best though, I got a lot of 'bad girl' out of my system in that year.)

7. What kind of books do you read? Mostly thrillers, as my "reading" these days consists of listening to books on CD in the car, and that seems to be what our library mostly carries. I almost always have the kids with me when I go, so it's pretty much grab the first thing I see and run before mayhem!

8. How do you see yourself in 10 years? I'm actually having a really tough time with this question at the moment. Perhaps in med school? Although that may be crazy. If not, maybe teaching, or perhaps still working at the company I've essentially been with since college. Hopefully with 14 and 12 yo boys and a 9yo girl :)

9. What’s your fear? Something happening to one of my boys (and that includes dh).

10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space? 1000% yes. I think that has to be the most incredible experience!

11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up? For the past 1.5 years, take my temperature.

12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be?
Buff him up a tad ;)

13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be? I love my name. But I did used to pretend when I was a kid that my name was Jessica, so if I had to pick a different one, that's what it would be.

14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose? Is there really anyone who would pick rain?

15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be? Based on the proportion of my diet it currently makes up I'd have to say whole wheat potato bread. It's my breakfast every day, then I often have it for (with) at least one other meal.

16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most? Support, comfort (both offering and receiving), and especially the thanks I've gotten along the way from fellow HA sufferers for helping point them down the right paths. Warm heart <3

17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods? Do I *really* have to pick? I like salty OR sweet, definitely not in combo. But I love both chips and chocolate... guess I'd choose sweet if I had to, I can go a day without chips but it's rare that I don't have at least one piece of chocolate and usually more. Definitely a weakness!

18. What items are in your purse right now? Nothing out of the ordinary.

19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go? I've been hankering to go skiing recently, so mountains!

20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn’t? 90210 and Private Practice are the two I'm most embarassed to admit, so those probably qualify.

The three people I tag are fellow HA bloggers (oops, broke the rules - oh well!):
Sarah at the SHU Box
Seeming Normal (a new blogger, go say hi)
Ceejay at Half as Many Chances

Wassup?

I've been MIA the past few months - mostly because there's not a whole lot going on TTC-wise. My cycles are pretty regular, so we're trying each month - but no luck yet. I don't really see much point right now in posting my pre-O angst each month, followed by post-O angst (although I only have one pg test left so I've just been waiting for the crimson bitch each month and have actually found that a much more zen way to live, for me, than early testing), followed by "Shit! my period is here" angst. So that's where we're at. I'm supremely thankful for me two boys and feel so lucky to have them. I will feel even more lucky if we are able to have another, but if not, my life is pretty damn good as is so I have nothing to complain about. So that's that!

I do have plans to post about a few articles that have been published suggesting taking acetyl-L-carnitine to help restore cycles in women with HA... but that's probably going to have to wait until we finally move into our new house. (Hoping for April, expecting May/June... REALLY hoping it's not any longer than that, considering we started building in November 2009!!)