Glum

I've completely given up on taking pregnancy tests, I got totally sick of seeing that stark whiteness every time. I just wait until the stupid crimson bitch shows up. Which, when I'm on progesterone as I have been on all the cycles I've "tried" in a while, usually happens at 14-15dpo. Last cycle it was at 14, which was good because my birthday was at 15dpo so I had a day to get over it and not ruin my birthday. This cycle, 14dpo came and went. Every time I went to the bathroom and there was no sign of the Bitch I stupidly let my hopes get a little higher and a little higher. Unfortunately, mid-day, there she was.

I had been telling myself that it was okay, that I was okay, but kinda lost it the next day when a bunch of stupid little things happened all in a row. We were out to dinner and ran into a good friend whom I hadn't called after her son had an endoscopy and was feeling really shitty about that, and I just couldn't hold it together. I think it was a combo of period hormones, yet another failed cycle sadness, hot, tired, hungry (we were on vacation), and feeling guilty about my friend but I couldn't stop the tears from coming.

When we got back to internet land on Saturday I posted on the HA boards about the stupid Bitch showing up and got tears in my eyes at that point too. This cycle has hit me much harder than the previous ones. I feel like a third child is not in our cards after all, and that makes me sadder than I thought it would. I really do have a a pretty good life right now and I am super thankful for that (especially my two lovely boys) and for a long time I've told myself that if we don't have a third I will be okay. And I will. But now that that seems more of a reality it's making me sadder than I expected. I know there is still some hope, but we're officially back in IF territory now that we've been trying for over six months (seven cycles to be exact) and I'm well over 35. And I absolutely do not want twins so I'm not interested in clomid or injectibles. I think I will call my OB on Monday and see about scheduling the saline hysterogram she had offered last year, so that I can know if something is structurally wrong and then make the decision to fix it or not. But I don't know if I have it in me to go further than that.

I've been tagged by my very good friend Amanda over at Our Fertility Journey (yes, a while ago, what can I say) and this looks like another fun one! I'm also tickled pink to actually have been tagged for something - even when I was much more active in the blog world I very rarely got tagged and sometimes felt the same way I did when I got picked last in gym class. Stupid, I know!

Here's how it works:

Rule #1: the tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule #2: tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (ok, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tag-ee must state who tagged them.

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family? No pets. I had a cat growing up, but when DH and I got together we weren't home enough and until the kids are older I don't want the extra work

2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be? My dream right now is to go back to school for an MD when the kids are older. To become an RE. I don't know if I'm going to be able to make that happen. I considered going to med school when I was younger, but decided against it as I didn't see myself wanting to be with patients - if only I knew then what I know now, and how much I'm loving helping others with HA.

3. What would you do with a billion dollars? Honestly I can't even imagine. For me, we'd by a second home in South Africa, and an airplane so I could fly us there (another of my dreams is to get my pilot's license some day, much more likely than #2). Philanthropically (because no-one needs that much money) I'd want to do something to help kids and families - maybe something like providing free daycare for those in need.

4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood? Depends what caused the bad mood. Things like my m/c or yet another bfn - my boys really help. When it's just been one of those days with the two monsters, ice hockey or getting together with friends.

5. What is your bedtime routine? Think for an hour, "okay I'm going upstairs now", finally do it, pee, wash face, brush teeth, think about how I really should floss and decide to do it tomorrow, put my retainers in, face/hand lotion on, drink 16oz of water (I do not drink enough during the day!), pajamas and bed. (and a lovely progesterone suppository if I'm in another 2ww).

6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other? Beer hour at the company we both worked for. Funny thing was, I was interested in him from the get-go, made up an excuse to go to see him in his cube the next week, and he was *all* business. No dice. It took him a YEAR to figure out I was into him! (Probably for the best though, I got a lot of 'bad girl' out of my system in that year.)

7. What kind of books do you read? Mostly thrillers, as my "reading" these days consists of listening to books on CD in the car, and that seems to be what our library mostly carries. I almost always have the kids with me when I go, so it's pretty much grab the first thing I see and run before mayhem!

8. How do you see yourself in 10 years? I'm actually having a really tough time with this question at the moment. Perhaps in med school? Although that may be crazy. If not, maybe teaching, or perhaps still working at the company I've essentially been with since college. Hopefully with 14 and 12 yo boys and a 9yo girl :)

9. What’s your fear? Something happening to one of my boys (and that includes dh).

10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space? 1000% yes. I think that has to be the most incredible experience!

11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up? For the past 1.5 years, take my temperature.

12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be?
Buff him up a tad ;)

13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be? I love my name. But I did used to pretend when I was a kid that my name was Jessica, so if I had to pick a different one, that's what it would be.

14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose? Is there really anyone who would pick rain?

15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be? Based on the proportion of my diet it currently makes up I'd have to say whole wheat potato bread. It's my breakfast every day, then I often have it for (with) at least one other meal.

16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most? Support, comfort (both offering and receiving), and especially the thanks I've gotten along the way from fellow HA sufferers for helping point them down the right paths. Warm heart <3

17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods? Do I *really* have to pick? I like salty OR sweet, definitely not in combo. But I love both chips and chocolate... guess I'd choose sweet if I had to, I can go a day without chips but it's rare that I don't have at least one piece of chocolate and usually more. Definitely a weakness!

18. What items are in your purse right now? Nothing out of the ordinary.

19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go? I've been hankering to go skiing recently, so mountains!

20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn’t? 90210 and Private Practice are the two I'm most embarassed to admit, so those probably qualify.

The three people I tag are fellow HA bloggers (oops, broke the rules - oh well!):
Sarah at the SHU Box
Seeming Normal (a new blogger, go say hi)
Ceejay at Half as Many Chances

Wassup?

I've been MIA the past few months - mostly because there's not a whole lot going on TTC-wise. My cycles are pretty regular, so we're trying each month - but no luck yet. I don't really see much point right now in posting my pre-O angst each month, followed by post-O angst (although I only have one pg test left so I've just been waiting for the crimson bitch each month and have actually found that a much more zen way to live, for me, than early testing), followed by "Shit! my period is here" angst. So that's where we're at. I'm supremely thankful for me two boys and feel so lucky to have them. I will feel even more lucky if we are able to have another, but if not, my life is pretty damn good as is so I have nothing to complain about. So that's that!

I do have plans to post about a few articles that have been published suggesting taking acetyl-L-carnitine to help restore cycles in women with HA... but that's probably going to have to wait until we finally move into our new house. (Hoping for April, expecting May/June... REALLY hoping it's not any longer than that, considering we started building in November 2009!!)

ABCs of me

Saw this on a few friend's blogs (Josey, and Amanda)enjoyed reading about them, thought it looked like fun, and gosh, actually have a few minutes to do it!

(A) Age: 37 (the same age as my mom when we moved to the US. Yikes!)
(B) Bed Size: Super single. M's bed from when he was a kid, it's the old bladder style waterbed. Love it. But it's NOT big enough for the two of us plus occasional night-time visitors. New bed is on deck for the new house.
(C) Chore You Hate: Nothing in particular. I'm not a real fan of any cleaning but it has to get done so I do it.
(D) Dogs: Don't mind other people's, but NO interest in one of my own. I have a feeling I may be outvoted in a few years though.
(E) Essential Start Your Day Item: Nothing in particular. Not a coffee drinker, usually eat breakfast pretty early but I can manage without if I have to.
(F) Favorite Color: Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!
(G) Gold or Silver? Gold. I think it looks better with my skin tones. Not that I wear much of it, at the moment just my wedding/engagement rings.
(H) Height: 5'5". Used to be 5'6", but every time I get measured at the doc they take away half an inch. I have got to stop letting them do that!
(I) Instruments You Play: Used to play flute. Still can but it just doesn't get out of it's box very often. Maybe when I'm too old to play hockey.
(J) Job Title: Study manager
(K) Kids: Boys 2.5 and 4.5.
(L) Live: Near Boston
(M) Mom's Name: Helen. Really, nothing more interesting for M??? How about Movies? Memories? Ohh, I like that one. I'm going with that instead. A favorite memory - spending NYE with my cousins Sam and Lisa in SA years and years ago. We got all decked out and had a lovely dinner on their back porch overlooking the ocean, with a great chocolate mousse dessert (Flakeys on top, yum!). Then went to a club, only to find out you had to pre-book. So went to a bar down the street instead. It was just one of those nights where we laughed the entire time.
(N) Nicknames: Nic, Snifter (ONLY my sister calls me that), Chief
(O) Overnight Hospital Stays? A few nights that I do not remember after I totalled my car in '95. Also post-kids.
(P) Pet Peeves: Bad drivers and language laziness, like "your" instead of "you're". Etc.
(Q) Quote from a Movie: "Have fun storming the castle"
(R) Right or Left Handed? Right
(S) Siblings: One amazing younger sister.
(T) Time You Wake Up? Desired - 9am. Actual - usually sometime between 6-7, unless it's hockey Tuesday in which case it's 5:30. (Ugh. But I do love my hockey).
(U) Underwear: Bikinis.
(V) Vegetable You Dislike: Beans. I only eat them in minestrone when they're pureed, and unfortunately I've passed the dislike of beans on to my sons.
(W) What Makes You Run Late: Trying to get out of the house with kids!!
(X) X-Rays You've Had Done: Lungs (I get positives on TB tests b/c of the smallpox vaccine I had in SA), collarbone (broke it in my accident), leg when I broke it at three. Think that's it.
(Y) Yummy Food You Make: asparagus pasta!
(Z) Zoo, Favorite Animal: Loved the ... oh god, can't think of the stupid animal's name...oh yeah, peacock! that we saw at the Southwick zoo last summer. Five foot tailspan - amazing!

Lame-Oh

I mostly like to pat myself on the back for conquering my hypothalamic amenorrhea. I don't overexercise anymore (I don't know how I would with the two kids!), and I eat pretty normally, including probably more than my fair share of chocolate.

But Thursday night, my HA mentality reared itself in full force. I had two choices of activities for that evening - my work holiday party at a nice place in town, or a scrimmage with my hockey team.

I *should* have picked the work party. But I didn't. And you know what my reason was? I picked burning calories over consuming them. And I actually thought about it like that. I knew there would be all kinds of yummy food at the party, so rather than go and enjoy myself, I opted to avoid it.

Which is really, really lame. And I'm kicking myself for it now. I don't get to see my coworkers much these days as I'm only in the office one day a week, and I've known a bunch of them for a long time, and consider them friends.

Hopefully I have learned my lesson from this, though, and even if I do feel pre-tortured by the food options, I will go, I will eat, and I will enjoy myself.

I really don't know why I even think about this, I'm at a perfectly healthy weight, and despite my recent splurges, the scale hasn't budged. So what was I so worried about? Stupid stupid stupid.

I guess the mindset never fully goes away, no matter how much we might tell ourselves we're over it.

Do you ever regress like this?? How do you handle it?

Hysterosco--what?

I took Ceejay's excellent suggestion to use progesterone to try and fiddle with my cycle in order not to be bleeding at my appointment on 12/13. I started progesterone on cd14, with the hopes that if I took it for eight days, the drop in progesterone at that point would cause the crimson bitch to ride, and I'd be CD6 for the appointment.

Well, not so much. I ovulated on CD16 and had my usual non-progesterone-lengthened 10-day LP, so I ended up being CD4. I guess my LP wants to be 10 days come hell or high water! However, this period put the crimson in crimson bitch. I think I had my heaviest flow *ever* on CD1, and actually bled through my tampon overnight, CD1-2 which has never happened to me before. CD2 was medium, CD3 light, so by the time my apt rolled around on CD4 I was just spotting. I was already feeling much more sanguine about the appointment by that stage, as the bitch was much more normal than my previous five cycles, where I'd never gotten past the "light" flow (in my terms anyway).

Soooooooo... the doc came in to do the hysteroscopy. In hindsight, I probably should have asked how frequently she performs these, I'm guessing based on how it went, that the answer is "not often". There was a label on the machine that said "use Filter A for hysteroscopy (flexible tube), Filter OFF for Xoscopy (hard tube)" (I forget what the X was). anyway, it took about 15-20 minutes for her to figure out how to turn filter A on, which got rid of black circles that were in the picture. Lovely. Then she tried for about five minutes to get the camera through my cervix with no success. dilated with a pipette (no problem), and then was able to get it in. Problem was, everything was super fuzzy, she couldn't get it focused properly. So they injected me with a ton of saline to try and clear things out - THAT was uncomfortable. I felt like I could feel it flooding out of my tubes into my abdominal cavity if that's even possible! then she said she was at the fundus (top of my ute), but kept getting these funny orange/pink wavy lines that were going across the screen that wouldn't go away.

Then she had the nurse go and get another camera. this one looked totally sketchy, there was this black gunk that was all over the picture and seemed to be on the camera as it was static. I was less than thrilled with that, wondering if it could introduce infection, but of course I didn't say a word. This one also did the pink wavy line thing, but we did get to at least get a fuzzy view of the top of my uterus and the entrances to my tubes, both of which seemed to be clear.

She did apologize that things did not work out terribly well, but said that the fact that my uterus did inflate nicely with the saline and there were no obvious adhesions, along with the fact that my period was more normal, suggested to her that if there was any scarring at all, it was quite minimal. I think I can agree with that.

The final directive was to 'go forth and fornicate'. Well, not quite in those words. But we are "definitely" to try this cycle, as there seems to be a higher incidence of pregnancy post HSC/HSG as things might be cleaned out. We weren't actually planning on it because if I were to get pregnant the baby would be due very close to Timmy's bday, and I already worry about him as a middle child, so i was thinking it might be better for him to have his birthday celebration be unique. But consensus amongst people I've polled (which includes me as my sister's bday is six days after mine) is that it can be fun to have birthdays together, and certainly not a bad thing. So I think we'll go for it. (Because chances are it's not going to end up being an issue anyway, right?) If you have anything to add to the discussion of close sibling birthdays, I'd love to hear it!

Game on!

Called my OB's office last Monday to politely request a hysteroscopy. Almost had a fit trying to explain to the receptionist what I wanted. Anyone else have that problem? Perfectly articulate in most situations, but ask me to talk to a nurse or doctor and it's as if my brain turns into a little puddle of mush. Fortunately after that practice round I was more ready when the nurse called me back and managed to get out "hysteroscopy" and "periods different since my D&C's" in approximately the right order, so she said she'd have Dr. B. call me.

I waited.

I waited.

I tried to decide how much longer I should wait.

And then lo and behold, a message on my phone. How the F I managed to miss the call I have no idea because my phone was on and ready... the message was relatively promising, Dr. B said that she'd recommend a saline sonohysterogram and that I could call and schedule it - OR, that I could call her. AND, she left a number for me to reach her at and HFS she actually answered the phone!

So we had a nice chat, I told her that I'd been doing some research online which most of her patients probably say and she probably hates, but she sounded okay with it, and I mentioned that from what I'd read, a hysteroscopy might be better than the SHG. She said that she felt they were about the same for diagnosis, but that if I'd prefer the HSC that would be fine with her. Go me!

Her appointment scheduler then called me this am, and I have an appointment for 12/13.

NOW, I just have to get my cycle to line up. If all goes as it has been I'd ovulate on 11/27. If I don't take progesterone, AF should arrive at 12/8 which would mean theoretically it would be over by the time 12/13 rolls around. So I'm actually hoping for a short LP this cycle. I know I've read about things to make an LP longer - anyone know how to make it shorter? I guess I could go on a weight loss binge, that might do the trick ;)

Not so much.

Well, the crimson bitch hasn't shown up yet, but the stupid pee stick is still as pristine white as a freshly fallen field of snow, so she probably will sometime today. I'm usually not an advocate of early testing, but had I not tested all along I would have been crushed by a bfn this morning - with all the cramping I *really* thought there was good news coming. I'm definitely disappointed. More so than on my previous cycles, I think because I did have that sense of optimism this time that was absent on my other post D&C cycles. Guess it's on to checking out my ute.

Update: HA HA - hit publish, went to the bathroom, and there she is. Good timing.

Hopeful is creeping in.

It may all be in my head. Probably is. BUT, I'm feeling a little hopeful for this cycle after all. It started yesterday with my temp up to 98.7, which is the highest it's ever been. So I broke down and POAS (it is REALLY not good to have a whole hoard of the internet cheapies, they make me do things I'd never do if I had to go out and spend the cash). It was a BFN. That's not entirely surprising given that yesterday was only 10dpo. But, all day yesterday I felt crampy down there. Today my temp was 99.2 and I'm not feeling well, so that can be chalked up to being sick (and probably yesterday's temp as well.) Plus, I have NOT been sleeping well - I'm completely exhausted, but lie awake once I get to bed, and have woken up randomly through the night as well. So that could also be affecting the temps. What's really weird is that normally when I can't get to sleep it's because something's bothering me and I can't get it out of my head - but the last few nights I've just laid there thinking about nothing. Just not asleep. Very strange. Anyway, today was another BFN because once you've started you can't stop. But more cramping too. So despite the stark white nothingness on the stupid tests, I'm still feeling more hopeful than I want to.

Hoping, but not hopeful.

So I ovulated sometime in the last few days, CD14-15 again. Maybe I'm just masking a problem, but it seems to me that the docs who say, "there's no such thing as luteal phase defect" and don't take an individual's particular circumstances into account are doing their patients a disservice. Maybe LPD doesn't reach statistical significance in medical studies, but that doesn't mean it can't be the case for individuals.

If this cycle is not it, we're going to take some time off ttc - if I were to get pregnant next cycle my due date would be about 10 days before Ant will start kindergarten, and I feel like that is just too much upheaval at once for a tender little soul. It's already going to stink because the first day of kindergarten is his birthday! The cycle after that, my due date would be the day before Timmy's birthday. I worry that if we are lucky enough to have a third child, he will be a classic middle child (he's showing a lot of signs of that kind of temperament already), so I'd like to do as much as I can to keep him feeling special and not lost in the shuffle, and so I think not sharing a birthday with a younger sibling is important.

That does, however, give us some time to figure out if there's something wrong. I'm afraid that having the two D&C's might have caused Asherman's syndrome. My periods have not been the same since the D&C's - not absent, but much lighter than they used to be. I have an OB apt scheduled for 12/9. Hopefully that's not the problem, but if it is, we have a little while to figure it out.

Facebook

Facebook can be really tough when you've experienced a loss, or are trying to get pregnant and having no luck. I know that I've been blindsided a few times, and that's even with already having two preshus kids of my own.

So THIS http://www.alittlepregnant.com/alittlepregnant/2010/10/baby-face.html is well worth checking out if you've ever felt similarly.

I think it's my favorite blog post EVER!

I think I'm the only one really interested in this,

but I'm going to post it anyway.

I got a +++ OPK today (test line WAY darker than the control) somewhat to my surprise as I haven't had nearly as much CM as I usually do. Today is CD14, so I'll likely have a CD15 O this cycle.

That's made me really curious about the theory I proposed in my last post, so I figured I could check it by comparing the length of time between my ovulations - if my theory is correct, that would be constant, despite the change in LP.

Sure enough, my average time between ovulations is 28 days (wow, normal!). For my post Timmy cycles, it's been 28,29,28,30,24,29,27,29,26,27, and 29 days (the last assuming I O tomorrow). So it does seem that the "earlier" ovulation is not actually earlier, but just on an earlier cycle day because of my LP being lengthened by progesterone.

Like I said, I don't think anyone else cares, but I think it's fascinating! I would be so curious to know if it's true for anyone else, but I think that people taking progesterone for LPD without any other interventions are few and far between.

More bullets

Not enough time to blog about everything I'd like to. So more random thoughts.

* DH has worked until 10pm the last four business days. He recently started a new job so that he wouldn't have to travel (which was a strong possbility with the job he left). However, this is NOT better!

* CD4 today. Or maybe 5. I did not have high hopes for this past cycle, but I'm still more bummed than I have let on to almost everyone.

* I did in fact O on CD13 last cycle. It is amazing how quickly that comes up when it's only 8 days post AF, instead of two weeks as was my usual!

* I have a theory on the early O, would love to know if anyone else has experienced this (although I think that in general taking progesterone on natural cycles is fairly unusual). So, last cycle was the first one this round of ttc where I used progesterone, and it extended my LP from 10 to 14 days. So that put CD1 four days later than it would have been otherwise... and I'm thinking that perhaps it aligned my cycles better? Was my O date the same as it would have been, but just on an early CD because of my lengthened LP? The same thing happened to me when we were ttc Timmy, my O's had been CD28 and CD27 the two previous cycles, I used progesterone which extended my LP from 7 days to 16 days and O'ed the following cycle on CD16. The earlier CD of my O seems to be balanced by the longer LP - make any sense?

* I'm a little worried that the D&C's screwed things up in there - after the post-D&C bleeding stopped, my first period was mostly spotting for 8 days, one day of heavy flow. The second was way lighter than usual, four light days and three days of spotting, very similar so far this time. I'm wondering if my lining is not getting thick enough for implantation? I think my plan is to see how the next few cycles go, and if nothing by the end of the year see if I can get a mid-cycle u/s to see what's going on in there. I hope I don't get there, but have a feeling I will.

Cycle fun

There is never a dull moment when one does not have regular cycles. I find that from the moment I start temping at CD11-12, all the way through AF, there's a constant refrain in my head, "what does x mean? could I have ovulated already? is it just around the corner? OOooh, my temp jumped, did I O? Wait, back down again, what does that mean? Noooooo, below coverline, AF coming? Wait, maybe implantation dip? Oooh, really high temp, is that good? Ah back down again, AF? Yup" Rinse, lather, repeat.

So my "normal" is to ovulate somewhere around CD21, with a 10 day LP, so my cycles aren't too far off 28 days, although waiting three weeks every month to ovulate is annoying, plus the fact that my skin only clears up between ovulation and period, and since that's so short I spend a vast amount of time bemoaning the red spots. (I had lovely skin as a teenager, why now????)

I really do go on a rollercoaster ride every month. Last month, EWCM started up at CD8! I was totally stoked, maybe that would mean an early ovulation? I had a couple of really high (for me) temps around CD13, so I thought I actually might have ovulated for a few days, but my CM didn't dry up and my temp didn't stay up, so that was a no-go. 12 days after my first EWCM I finally did O... as we'd been on the every other day plan, I was *really* not into the BMS on the last few days, although we did based on my cervical position (I know WAY more about my cycle than I ever could have imagined!). So I finally O'ed on CD20 last cycle.

This cycle, I really had nothing until CD11 when I started having fairly copious EW (and my CP was high when I checked at night). I went off to buy some OPKs yesterday, CD12, so that we didn't end up in the same forced march of BMS that we did last cycle. Took one when I got home, and lo and behold, I had a hard time convincing myself that it was not positive. One caveat was that when I opened the box it turned out they expired in July, but if that were a problem that they just wouldn't work, not that all of a sudden they would start giving false positives. As Josey would say, "HFS!!!!" I'm still not at all convinced given last month, but today's OPK was not positive by any stretch of the imagination, so maybe it really will happen today or tomorrow, which would be CD13 or 14, imagine that! I've now charted 16 cycles, had one CD15 O, one on CD16, and all the rest have been CD20+. (Ranging from CD20-CD44).

Fun times!

The mess in my head. Bullet style. Maybe. with paragraphs too.

I have way way way too much going on in my head right now.

* CD2 today. boo. At least it was a 14 day LP though, thanks to progesterone.

* Ant turns four next Monday. Bday party planned for Saturday. Must bake cake, make frosting, decorate cake all of which usually keep me up until the wee hours, three nights in a row. Plus figure out what food we will serve, do we want to borrow a pool, what games should I plan?

* I don't know if I've mentioned it on here, but we're building a new house. It has been a long and painful process which has included a falling out with our architect, major structural issues thanks to said architect which necessitated replacing the main carrying beam with a steel beam and a huge delay because of that. Now at the final strech but that means picking everything from sinks to lights to tile and colors. I am slowly making headway, but it's SO hard to try and coordinate everything. I spend at least two hours every night working on it, which means REALLY late bedtimes. And then I can't get to sleep because of thinking about all this.

* I've worked an extra 8 hours a week (that's 50% more than usual) over the last couple of weeks because a bunch of stuff I've been working on all of a sudden is going to be presented to the FDA.

* Been trying to be a little more proactive in the friends arena (honestly most of the time I'm okay with being the one to initiate things, it's just when I'm sad about something else it all comes crashing down on me), thanks to your comments and Mara's directive to MWF seeks BFF. Left my phone number for a neighbor I really like, and we've chatted on the phone a few times although not actually managed to make plans due to end of summer craziness. and have a playdate with one of Ant's school friends on Weds, AND they're coming to his party on Sat (cue nerves... am I going to measure up? is the party?)

* I would really love to have a little girl to complement my two boys. The chinese gender chart has been right for all three pg so far... I have hamsters going around and around in my head on this issue - do I wait until my next 'girl month' or not? Until CD1 I was pretty sure I was going to wait, now not so much... hamsters!

In need of a hug.

I've been feeling really sad and lonely these past few days. I have a fair number of "friends" IRL, but I feel like I'm the only one who tries in our relationships, most of them never call unless it in response to a message I've left, and it really makes me wonder if there's something about me that turns people off. I have such a hard time making friends because I'm naturally an introvert and mostly don't even strike up conversation with anyone even if I think I might like to, so I only have a few friends that I've collected at each stage of my life. And everyone just seems so wrapped up in their own lives right now - I know I am, but I still make time to call people, especially when I know there's something going on with them.

A few of my friends called post D&C, but nothing for a few weeks now. I just found out that Schweffel was in fact Schweffelette, a chromosomally normal female. I knew that was a possibility, the normal part, but it leaves so many more question marks than if the result was some kind of abnormality. I doubt it was the fact that I wasn't taking progesterone as that's right around the time the placental progesterone is supposed to take over, but it's definitely a what if. (That I'm going to avoid in the future by taking progesterone for sure. I honestly didn't think I'd get pregnant with a barely 10-day LP without it.)

Getting back to the friends thing, I've even tried to perhaps make some new friends by inviting some of Antony's classmates/parents over for playdates - the other mothers haven't even reciprocated the invitation, let alone become friends. Like I said, I really wonder what it is that I'm doing wrong.

Have you made any good (girl)friends in your adult life? How did you meet them? How did you end up being friends instead of just acquaintances?

ha ha ha. Implantation spotting.

Yeah, not so much. CB is here in full force today. At least it's a 7-day LP instead of 6, that makes me feel better somehow.

And the Crimson Bitch rides???

My temps have been a little wonky since the day I may have O'ed. I was all stoked the first two days after, as my temps were nice and high, 97.9 and 98. Third day, though, back down to the basement at 97.4. Gah. So no confirmation of anything from FF. Which of course is the only thing that makes an ovulation real, right?

I plugged in some fake temps, and if I got two MORE days of high temps, after the first FF would give me a "you may have O'ed sometime between CD27 and 32", and confirm it at CD28 if I got a second one.

I often do that and almost always seem to get something different in reality. My temps do like to mess with me! This time, though, I did actually get another 98, and then 97.9, so that counted, yay! It's nice to know that at least I know my body after all this.

Friday night I spent lying in bed thinking about how nice it would be to have a progesterone pee stick to confirm ovulation, instead of all this temping bizness. Why has no-one invented one? I figure it would have a reasonable market, at least among IF patients? I spent much time thinking about what I'd need to research (number one being is progesterone detectable in urine (answer - yes)!), how I could find lab space if it was something I wanted to move forward with, that kind of thing. What do you think, would you have / would you be interested in purchasing something like that?

Saturday my temp was down a bit to 97.7, then today 97.5, and spotting started this morning. I thought it would have turned into CB by now, but still just spotting. Brownish mucousy gunk, lovely! At the first spot of pink on the tp, I thought, "implantation spotting"? Although I've never had that before so it's unlikely. But the rest of the gunk really does seem to herald CB. If she holds off until tomorrow at least that would be a 7-day LP instead of just 6. I was so hoping that as my LP was pretty consistently 10 days before my loss it would be so again, but, sigh, not to be.

I'm definitely using progesterone next cycle, I'm tired of all the what-ifs.

I MUST be imagining things.

I noticed a very small amount of EWCM last Wednesday, but just chalked it up to random post-D&C spewage. But I figured now that I had really stopped bleeding I might as well start temping and paying attention to things again, given I had the green light to start trying again. So I took my temp the next morning. Started checking my cervical position on Saturday, low, as I had expected.

BUT, yesterday I had a ton of EWCM, and my CP last night was way high. And then my temp was up to 97.9 this morning, which is well in the range of my usual post-O temps.

I'll have to temp for a few more days to confirm anything, and I'm trying very very hard not to get in the least bit hopeful (this is much quicker than my usual O's, normally I get 3-4 days of consistent EWCM, for one thing), and bms was not very well timed if in fact I did O, plus I'm expecting to be back to short LPs...

But if I did in fact O, HOLY SHIT!! I was so not expecting this for at least another few weeks given that I usually don't O until the CD20's.

So I think this must all just be wishful thinking!

More update

I had my followup apt yesterday, it was all of about 10 minutes, all we did was chat. Doc asked if my bleeding had stopped, which it had as of the day before. All of a sudden, gone.

She apologized again that I had to come in for a second D&C, which was a nice segue into the comments I wanted to make. I mentioned that I A) didn't understand why they didn't use u/s the first time - her answer was that there isn't one available on the day surgery floor vs. the second time I had it done in the L&D OR, B) why none of the OBs stopped by to see me after either procedure. The second was particularly galling, as umpteen hundred people introduced themselves to me beforehand, anesthesiologists (who did stop by), interns, fellows, residents, attending... not ONE of them came to see me afterwards.

She said she'd take that feedback to them, as well as for herself, which is all I could really ask for.

I also asked if there was any medical reason not to ttc right away, and she very honestly said, "no". She said it's basically so they have an easier time dating the pg. She said that she wouldn't necessarily recommend TI, but also wouldn't tell us to use any kind of protection. So it was nice to have my Pubmed research backed up.

Genetic testing results will probably take another 2 weeks or so, as they actually have to grow the cells from the fetus. I had thought they could just extract the DNA, but apparently they don't get enough that way so they have to culture the cells first. She sounded a little iffy about whether that could happen or not, probably because it was so long between Schweffels' demise and when they got the tissue out is my guess.

Oh, and I chickened out on asking for a beta. My pg test this morning was totally negative (yesterday was a shadow of a line, it's been getting lighter every day which I think is a good thing), so it's probably < 10 at this point.

Finally, doc asked if I'd like to come in for an early scan 'next time'. I actually declined - given that Schweffel was measuring 8w6d when I was 9w3d I believe his heart had only stopped recently - so I don't see that an early scan would give me any peace of mind at all, and I think would make another loss that much harder to bear, having seen earlier that everything was okay.