I'm a hockey nut!

Thanks so much for all the kind words. It's so nice to have people who get it!

I'm heading up to Dartmouth to ice hockey camp this weekend. I'm really looking forward to it, going up there with three of my team-mates so it should be a blast. I can't believe this is my fourth year going up there. I should be packing, but I'm procrastinating on the internet. ha.

I'm hoping I'm going to feel alright for playing. I was in the lunch room at work today getting a glass of water, and my boss was in there as well. I think he was making himself an iced tea (literally, tea over ice). He dropped a bit of ice on the floor. I didn't think anything of it, but as I was walking out I stepped on a piece, and whoosh - out my foot went from under me. Just like in the cartoons where you see someone slip on a bannana peel. Fortunately I managed to catch myself so I didn't fall on my ass, but I definitely pulled my gluteus maximus. Hopefully it won't be any worse tomorrow than it was today!

What's the worst / most embarrasing spill you've taken?

Pity party

I'm sad today. I've been doing pretty well keeping positive about all this so far, but I feel way less pregnant this cycle than I did the last time. I had my high beams on from the second day after the IUI until... well, the day before the bitch showed up. And they were really tender too. This time they were sore the second day after, but it's already gone away. Granted I wasn't preg the last time, so maybe I am this time since it's different, but I just really don't think so.

Add to the mix that I was told that a coworker who's been married for less than a year is pregnant (including the fact that she's an exercise instructor, and WAY skinnier than me), confirmation that in fact X is pregnant and due in Feb, which means she got married in Jan and preg in May (boo hoo, baby showers really *sucked* for her, trying for what, four whole months before she got pregnant?), and I'm just not able to hold my head up quite as high.

My sis was over tonight, and did ask me if something was wrong... I wanted to tell her but I knew as soon as I spoke a word out loud I'd totally break down so I didn't say anything. My mom was over too, and as she left said to my sis (6 months pg) "You're looking so healthy and well". I got "Thanks for the dinner". I've told her *all* about what's going on, but she never asks about it, or how I'm doing or anything. I feel like she doesn't care. I'm not pregnant so I don't matter anymore. I'm sure that's not true, but it's how she's been making me feel lately.

IUI #2

Second verse, same as the first. Well, not exactly. My appointment was at 10am on Sat - last time the IUI was done at 10:35, this time we sat in the waiting room for almost an hour longer. It was a bit frustrating, but at least we had both brought something to occupy ourselves (I've finished H,K and O on my cross-stitch, and am working on N!). It turned out that Dr. Handsome wanted to do the IUI himself rather than having the nurse do it, and he was also doing an egg retrieval that morning - hence the delay.

The IUI itself was lots of fun. And I do mean that literally. Dr. Handsome and M had a nice comedy routine going. After he'd tried to get the catheter in for a little bit, Dr. Handsome said he didn't like the angle of my cervix, and that I could fix it by coughing. So M joked "It's about time a woman had to 'turn and cough'!". Dr. H then proceeded to tell us about the first time he had that experience as a sixteen year old with a gorgeous female doctor. Meanwhile I'm having fits of giggles, with the specul*m sticking out of me! I was afraid that it was going to fall out or something, but even with it wiggling around down there with every chortle, it seemed to stay in just fine. After I coughed on '3', apparently the angle was perfect, and in the little boys and girls went.

I did feel more comfortable this time than the last, Dr. Handsome really did take his time to make sure that the swimmers were in the right place. After some supplementary storming, we're crossing our fingers. And I start the progesterone suppositories tonight... after my 10 day luteal phase last time and reading that in women with HA "the luteal phase and early pregnancy need to be supported" I managed to convince Dr. Conveyor that I should be taking progesterone.

No beta until SIXTEEN days after the IUI though, so it'll be a bit of a wait.

Interesting ART article

Posted by AltMama. Check it out for a non-CDC comparison of fertility clinics, and to read about some really cool research that's happening.

Yippee!

Apparently it was a good thing that I didn't let my rebellious side win out over the dosage for the last couple of days. My lining this morning was at 8mm (thickest it's been yet, by far), and I have 3-4 pretty big follicles, ranging from 15 to 12mm.

I was so sure when I went in this morning that I would still be in the same old place. Completely surprised when I saw the ovary on the scan. (They're all on the right, my left ovary doesn't want to do anything). It's about time - 18 days of injections to date.

Update: Just heard from the nurse - one more shot of Repronex tonight then I trigger tomorrow!!! So IUI Saturday morning. I'm really almost in shock - I can't believe how quickly things progressed once they actually got going. I was, in a way, hoping for the IUI on Sunday or Monday so that M and I could get some storming in (as in, "Have fun storming the Castle..." - I hope you ALL know what movie that's from) beforehand for a bit of insurance, but it's not to be. He's out of town for work 'til Friday night. No complaint here though - I'm all out at the moment ;-)

Deep breath

I decided to go with 1&2/3 vials. I think the RE wanted me to drop back to 1.5 so that I don't overstimulate... I'm afraid that the opposite would happen and I'd go back in tomorrow and still be stuck in the same old place. I thought about staying with the two full vials, but I've always been such a 'good' girl - doing what I'm told, what I'm supposed to, always the responsible one, always respectful - that it's really hard for me to deviate from the prescribed course. So the extra 1/6 vial is about all I could manage. ha. It sounds so paltry when I put it like that - I'm a fucking rebel! woo-hoo - look at me bucking authority!

It's probably the one thing I would change about myself if I could. But it's so ingrained that try as I might I can never manage to be irresponsible or wild. When I was about five, and my sister was two, we were playing with finger paints. She was a disaster - paint everywhere but where it was supposed to be. On her face, her clothes, her legs... I so wanted to be like that, but all I could manage was to thoroughly cover my hands and lower arms. Couldn't even make it up to the elbows! And that's the way the two of us have been ever since. Me, prim and proper, never had a sip of alcohol until college, virgin until I was in love at 17, had a summer job since I was a sophomore in high school, didn't take a year abroad because I didn't want my parents to have to pay for two of us in college at once, never bought anything I couldn't afford yada yada yada. My sis? Hellion in high school, sneaking out of the house, drinking, pot, boys, took an extra year in college 'cause she could, buys big screen TVs and leather couches and refinances her mortgage to finish her basement even though they really can't afford it.

Okay, can you tell I'm hitting a sore spot? One more rant and then I'm done... My father passed away about ten years ago from lung cancer. When my sister wanted to get engaged, mom asked me if I was okay with my sis having the diamond from my parent's engagement ring, since they couldn't really afford one of their own. (side note - what the fuck am I supposed to say to that???). So of course I say yes. But oh no, that's not good enough - the setting? Platinum band, with quarter carat diamonds on either side. It totally pisses me off that M and I have worked really hard to get where we are, he wouldn't propose to me until he had save enough money for a ring (he's equally as responsible as I am, good or bad), and then not only does she get my mom's diamond, he spends as much more on her ring as M did on mine! I don't care about the size or setting or anything, what really ticks me off is that supposedly she was getting the diamond from mom *because they couldn't afford it*. Yet another way in which being responsible has bitten me in the ass. And yet I still can't stop!

Is there a 12 step program? Hi, my name is Nico, and I'm responsible!

Advice?

Went in for yet another u/s this morning. Still didn't look as if much was going on - lining was exactly the same, 5mm, although my biggest follicle is now at 10mm... not quite enough to be sure that it's progressing, but an improvement. e2 at 136 though!

Nurse called and told me to decrease my dosage back to 1.5 vials. I'm tempted to continue with the two full vials. Any thoughts?

Maybe I'll split the difference and go with 1.75.

Day 13: STILL nothing

e2 levels so far: 42, 46, 55, 38, 42. My baseline level when I had my hormone levels taken to diagnose my HA was 34. So there is pretty much nothing happening.

To my surprise, they told me still to continue with the two vials of Repronex, and come in for another date with the cooter poker on Monday morning. I'm still holding out a shred of hope that this will work, but mostly I'm resigned to giving up. If there's still nothing going on on Monday I'm definitely going to ask if it's worth continuing to throw good money after bad.

I'm disappointed. Heck, I'm crushed. But somehow I'm not sad about it anymore. Just wanna get this cycle over with, get the next one where I have the cysts over with, and get back on the horse. (A big horse, with a really big... okay, that's gross!)

HA message board

So this was the first time I really ventured out into any other forums. The beginning of the board was pretty informative - I'm thinking now that perhaps I'm not responding as well to the meds this time around because of the switch I made in the bcp I took. Before my first cycle I had been on a low dose pill but hated it because it made me all bloated and I packed on weight like there was no tomorrow. So while I was waiting for my cysts to go away, I went back on the pill I had used before, which apparently contained a higher dosage of the hormones, and perhaps is interfering with my response now. Plausible.

The middle of the board though started to really annoy me. *baby dust*,*sticky vibes*, PEOPLE POSTING IN ALL CAPS, in pretty pink letters, those fucking little icons everywhere... boy, they've really come up with some doozies! WTF? I'm so glad our IF blogs are a safe haven from that sentimental crap.

Update 01/19/11: I noticed that this was one of my popular posts.  I just want to say it was written about an older thread on the fertilethoughts forum which got a little wacky after a while.  The current HA thread, which you can find at http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/lifes-journey/343535-hypothalamic-amenorrhea.html is not like this at all, it is a wonderful support forum that has helped hundreds of women with HA over the almost seven years it has been in existence (it was started by my now friend, fitgirl, in August 2005, just a few months after I wrote this post.)

The growing Hypothalamic Amenorrhea Club...

I started this blog when I was diagnosed with HA, and couldn't find any message boards, blogs, or other place where I could talk to people in the same boat - find out what had or hadn't worked for them, why my RE was telling me certain things, if their's was saying the same. For a long time, there was just me, and maybe Queenie (who I don't think was diagnosed as HA, but wasn't getting regular visits from C. Bitch). In the last couple of weeks, a few other potential HA gals have found my blog, and tonight I came across a message board with over 500 posts (I'm currently reading through, on around #120 or so...). So I started my "HA posse" links section.

I have already come across a post on the board where someone said she was on Repronex for 20 days, so that's given me some peace of mind. I've been so worried that they would just tell me to screw this cycle and give up. And whether that would mean that we're done with this avenue (injectibles / IUI). Sometimes I think that being a scientist is a really bad thing in this arena because I know too much about things that could potentially happen. The meds aren't working? I must be making neutralizing antibodies. So the FSH will never work, and I've totally screwed myself because I can't ovulate, and now can't take gonadotropins so no IUI OR IVF. Despite the fact that there is no published paper even remotely suggesting that. Well, except in baboons taking human gonadotropins. I'm such a dork.

nothing. nada, zilch, zero, rien, nichts, niente.

Yet another u/s this morning (#4 this cycle), lining a little better at 5.2mm, but STILL NO FOLLICLES > 8mm. 11 days of Repronex and *nothing*. I'm really getting the feeling this cycle is fucked. fuck.

Update: My e2 levels so far have been 42, 46, 55 and today a whopping 38. woo-hoo! They told me to up my dosage to two full amps, and come in again on Friday. For just an e2 test, no dildo-cam. I don't know if that's good or bad... last-ditch effort, I suppose.

hamster head

I too have hamster head today. I just spent 45 minutes making up an Excel spreadsheet with what days I took what doses of meds on this cycle and last, when I will might hope to have my IUI (day 19 or 20? this cycle vs. day 18 for the last). Have I been exercising too much? Is that what's going on here? Not eating enough? I'm not losing weight, but I'm not putting it on either... do I need to put on another five-ten pounds? Exercise in the last week:

Sun: ice hockey, 60 min
Mon: ice hockey, 50 min
Tue: weight lifting, 60 min, biking 35 min
Wed: biking 50 min
Fri: biking 35 min
Sat: biking 35 min
Sun: ice hockey, 60 min

I feel like that's nothing - it's so much less than I used to do. I used to lift weights 3x per week, play volleyball for 2 hours, 2x per week, and play hockey ~4x, plus the biking. But it is more than I was doing last cycle (weather was worse, so I wasn't biking nearly as much). Am I shooting myself in the proverbial foot? I love the way I feel when I exercise, so strong and healthy, how can it be that it's actually not good for me?

Robitussin?

Anyone tried Robitussin for increasing EWCM? Read about it in the evil condescending book, thinking about trying it... Also, Jen P said in her comment that evening primrose oil (1000mg) works too. Any experience with either? Both? 'Cause more is better, right?

Bah, humbug.

Yet another u/s this morning. (Made sure to hide my bright red undies!). Lining at a whopping 4mm, three follicles on the right all at 8mm, a bunch of smaller ones on the left. Doc says, "everything looks great, you're responding really well". Yeah, maybe if I'd only been on meds for four days. It's been nine!!! I was a fool to think that when I had a 7 and 8 last Weds that things were going well.

I've heard of people having cycles cancelled - I don't know how long they'll go on stimulating before they say uncle. Wouldn't that just be peachy. Here, take my two thousand dollars and throw it in the garbage. I don't care about the money if I at least have a chance of getting pregnant, but to spend all of that for nothing? That really fucking sucks.

*Sigh*

I really need to remember not to expect things in this area to go the way I want them to. Second u/s yesterday morning - my two follicles were hardly bigger at all, and the few other little ones were catching up. Not good. So my meds were upped to 1.5 vials again. I'm not too upset because I think it will work out okay like it did the last time, but it's still disappointing - I had thought everything was going to be perfect this time. Dumbass.

On a completely different (or exactly the same) note, I can be such a total dimwit sometimes.

Dimwittedness #1 - I had bought a really cute pattern for a baby jacket that I'm going to make for my sister. I wanted to go to the fabric store this morning to buy the fabric, but had left the pattern at work, in my car. (I biked home last night). So I decided to bike back to work again, shower there, then go to a fabric store nearby.

#2 - although I remembered to bring soap, shampoo and conditioner with me, I forgot about a towel! So I had to dry myself with my sweaty tank top. Dumbass.

#3 - brought clothes to change into, but forgot my underwear! Not much I could do but head to the fabric store commando.

And the final straw - turns out the fabric store only sells home furnishing fabrics!

Randomness

I'm going to a friend's house for dinner tomorrow night, so I opened my new box of meds / needles to prepare a package to take with me. The new needles for injection? 27 gauge instead of the 30 I have been using. I looked at the size - scary! *not* looking forward to switching over to those on Friday night. Hopefully the pharmacy will send me out some more 30's right quick!

Do you ever get hot flashes? I was standing in Babies-R-Us tonight, having purchased a shower gift for Saturday when all of a sudden I started feeling really warm - so warm, in fact, that I could also feel rivulets of sweat running down the backs of my legs. And when I say rivulets, I mean it. I wasn't glistening, I wasn't perspiring, I was freaking dripping! EEeeeeeewwwwwwww!

I love love love Ginger Altoids.

Jumping follicles, batman!

u/s this morning, I don't think I could have wished for better results! One follicle on the right at 8mm, one on the left at 7.2mm, plus a few little guys on each side. Dr. Conveyor had said when I had an appointment with her last week that she'd be happier with two mature follicles rather than the one we got last time, to give us a better shot. And it looks like that's where we're heading.

I was totally convinced that there would be absolutely nothing happening, as with the first week of meds in the last round, but I was wrong! I don't want to get too excited, but if things keep on at this pace, IUI should happen next Thursday or Friday.

I've definitely found that I manage to keep myself much saner when I expect the worst. That way I'm pleasantly surprised when I get a better result, and prepared for disappointment. Had I had even an inkling that cysts might be an issue for me after the last cycle I think that finding them would not have been nearly as hard - I really was completely taken by surprise by that one. I knew that people got cysts, but given that I'd never had any in the umpteen zillion ultrasounds I'd had before, it didn't occur to me that *I* might be prone to them as well!

On a completely different note, a few bloggers have commented about the question of what to do with your underwear while you're on the table. Hide it? Fold neatly? I think most of us put it away somehow so that our cooter poker isn't too disgusted by us... Well, this morning, I did one better than that - I had ridden my bike to the doc's office, so I was all hot and sweaty. I didn't want to gross my CP out with the smell of unwashed, sweaty cooter, so I did a quick poor man's shower with some paper towels and soap in the lav. All fresh and clean for my prodding!

In the ring, fists are swinging...

Round two has begun! Repronex injections started Saturday night. No problems so far, although I've definitely noticed that it stings a lot more when I do the injection on the right side of my stomach than when I'm on the left. Bizarre!

Top Ten ways you know you're procrastinating at work...

Actually, I don't have ten. I've only got four at the moment. I was hoping you guys could help me add on. Anyway, my list so far (witout numbers, since I don't know where they'll ultimately fall):

A. You check the blogs on your list every fifteen minutes, hoping for one of your blog-buds to provide you with some news or entertainment

B. You check your non-work email every five minutes looking for any comments that have been left on your blog

C. You google 'asparagus pee' after having eaten pasta with asparagus for lunch and smelling the offending liquid

D. You spend half an hour laughing at the results of said search.

Cyst free!

u/s this morning to check for cysts before I went off the pill. All clear. So injections again starting this weekend.