I met with the RE from the IVF clinic today, henceforth to be known as the Conveyor Doctor, or just Conveyor for short. I was NOT impressed. I felt as if she was on autopilot. After we went over M's latest SA and the meeting with the urologist from yesterday (quote from the urologist: "The only way I'd do the surgery is if you put a gun to my head"), and told her that we'd like to go ahead with the insemination at this point, she was talking about giving me injections of FSH.
Now when I met with Dr. Pulsatile last week, she had said that I would need FSH *and* LH, given that I'm not really making either of them. So I gingerly queried Conveyor on that and she corrected herself, saying that she would do Repronex.
She did an ultrasound to check things out, then while she was still in the room, before even giving M and me a chance to discuss things, she wanted to know how we wanted to proceed (options - BC followed by injections, or just starting right in on injections). This was after she tried to convince me that I should take Provera to induce bleeding, which I have tried 2x with no effect. When I reminded her of that, she then suggested the BC.
Anyway, we're not 100% sure about our insurance, so I said I supposed the BC first, although that's not really what I wanted to do, it was just what I felt she was pushing me towards, and without a chance to talk about it with M and collect my thoughts, I just went with that.
After that she basically just foisted us off on the nurse. Who tried once again to give me info on Follistim, not the Repronex, so I had to make yet another correction. She really didn't seem interested in talking with me about the timing of all this (which is important given M's travel schedule for work), so I wasn't impressed by that either.
The last straw was that she pushed a piece of paper in front of me for me to sign. Appeared to be waiting anxiously for me to sign it... well I really don't like to sign things without reading them, so I took a quick scan through it. One thing that caught my eye was that it said "20% chance of multiples"!! I don't like that idea at all. Another thing was that it said that I was agreeing that I'd taken a gonadotropin class (no, I hadn't even been offered such a thing), that I'd received training on how to give the shots (no, again)... I crossed out the class thing and then signed it. But I was feeling really uncomfortable with it.
I felt as if they were just interested in getting me in and out as fast as possible, as if I was on a conveyor belt. "Take this injection, sign this form, bada bing bada boom", and that it was leading to all kinds of mistakes. Not a problem with most people, who ARE doing the same things, but with my issues, I need things to work a little differently, and they really didn't seem sensitive to that at all.
I didn't feel like that at all when I met with Dr. Pulsatile - in fact after my ultrasound on Friday she sat down with me and wrote out a list of all my options, with the pros and cons of each (pro of pulsatile GnrH - low chance of multiples). So, given my experience with Conveyor, I'm going to look a lot more seriously into participating in the clinical trial. I called today to find out more info, they're going over my medical records to see if I'm a good candidate or not. Even if not, I might stick with Dr. Pulse ('cause she appears to have one)anyway, I felt as if she had a much better grasp of what MY problems are, rather than just pushing me through the baby factory.
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Friday, March 25, 2005
Death of the eternal optimist
This afternoon's poke showed my follicle at exactly the same size as it was on Wednesday, ie. not growing AT ALL. Ah well. So, no number, no race for me yet.
So definitely going to have to go with meds of some description. I did get the consent form for the clinical trial, so I'll have to think about whether getting the medication for free is worth having to draw blood on a daily basis. I kinda like the idea of participating in a trial. Any experience with that?
So definitely going to have to go with meds of some description. I did get the consent form for the clinical trial, so I'll have to think about whether getting the medication for free is worth having to draw blood on a daily basis. I kinda like the idea of participating in a trial. Any experience with that?
Good news! (no, not *that* good)
So having seen the Crimson Bitch for the very first time under my own power on 3/10, I could theoretically be ovulating at some point in the near future. I had started using OPK sticks last Sunday (there I go, being all optimistic again)... the first one had a very faint LH line, Monday's and Tuesday's were completely blank. Of course, since I've only had one period, I really have no idea how long my cycle might potentially be.
On Weds, I had my appointment at the MGH reproductive endocrinology clinic to discuss potentially using pulsatile GnRH vs. injectables. The doc offered to do an ultrasound to check out how my ovaries were doing - I actually have a follicle at 14mm!!! Last time I got poked, the biggest one was 8-9mm, so this is a definite positive sign. I'm going for another poke later today to see if it's actually progressing. I know it's such a small thing, but I feel like I might finally be able to think about 'trying'. Of course that's going to involve more poking, given the MF, but at least now I'm in line to get my number, and might be heading to the starting gate! (At that point I'm hoping for a 100 yard dash rather than a marathon or triathlon, but we'll have to wait and see).
Dr. Pulsatile also mentioned a clinical trial that I could potentially participate in, comparing use of Clomid to pulsatile GnRH (if I am not, after all, ovulating on my own) which might be a nice way to go given that my insurance won't cover any of the treatments.
On Weds, I had my appointment at the MGH reproductive endocrinology clinic to discuss potentially using pulsatile GnRH vs. injectables. The doc offered to do an ultrasound to check out how my ovaries were doing - I actually have a follicle at 14mm!!! Last time I got poked, the biggest one was 8-9mm, so this is a definite positive sign. I'm going for another poke later today to see if it's actually progressing. I know it's such a small thing, but I feel like I might finally be able to think about 'trying'. Of course that's going to involve more poking, given the MF, but at least now I'm in line to get my number, and might be heading to the starting gate! (At that point I'm hoping for a 100 yard dash rather than a marathon or triathlon, but we'll have to wait and see).
Dr. Pulsatile also mentioned a clinical trial that I could potentially participate in, comparing use of Clomid to pulsatile GnRH (if I am not, after all, ovulating on my own) which might be a nice way to go given that my insurance won't cover any of the treatments.
Friday, March 11, 2005
And the Crimson Bitch rides!
Woo-hoo! Don't know whether it's that I'm less stressed, barely exercising, or eating like a pig on vacation, but CB (*love* Molly's patented nickname!) showed her face yesterday.
Had lunch with my Aunt and Uncle yesterday afternoon, I was having a bit of trouble holding my shit together as my sister announced her pregnancy yet again (she's in South Africa as well, and has been informing all the relatives we're visiting with). First she told my Uncle, then my Aunt arrived a few minutes later, so she had to be informed as well. Actually, my Uncle let her know, and I did like how he said it - "It's K and 2/9!" That's cute!
Anyway, I was sitting on the couch, when I noticed that my lower back was hurting (my only sign of PMS). Usually that means CB's on her way the following day, but I went upstairs to the bathroom, and there she was! I came downstairs with the hugest grin on my face, I must have looked like a complete moron. I know it's silly to be excited about something like this, I still have so far to go, but at least it's a start. I'm not *completely* broken!
Had lunch with my Aunt and Uncle yesterday afternoon, I was having a bit of trouble holding my shit together as my sister announced her pregnancy yet again (she's in South Africa as well, and has been informing all the relatives we're visiting with). First she told my Uncle, then my Aunt arrived a few minutes later, so she had to be informed as well. Actually, my Uncle let her know, and I did like how he said it - "It's K and 2/9!" That's cute!
Anyway, I was sitting on the couch, when I noticed that my lower back was hurting (my only sign of PMS). Usually that means CB's on her way the following day, but I went upstairs to the bathroom, and there she was! I came downstairs with the hugest grin on my face, I must have looked like a complete moron. I know it's silly to be excited about something like this, I still have so far to go, but at least it's a start. I'm not *completely* broken!
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
fucking doctors
So I was reading Lisa's blog, and checked out her link on varicoceles. It sounded like that could definitely be M's problem, particularly as his testicles look exactly like the picture (one of them is definitely smaller than the other...) So I forwarded the link to him, and he told me he's pretty sure that's what he has, his doctor told him when he was sixteen. (I don't know if he mentioned the technical term, but the doc said 'it feels like a sac of worms'). BUT, the damn doctor *never* bothered to mention to him that it might affect his fertility.
I can understand not saying anything to a sixteen year old, but you would think that maybe once he was married????
I'm *so* angry. I don't know if it's worth going forward with IUI until this has been fixed, and the fact that it's making us wait probably another few months when it's something that we could have had fixed ages ago really pisses me off.
For me, right now, the waiting is definitely the hardest part. I think I'd be much more okay with it if we were actually able to "try" each month, but since I still have not seen any sight of CB, I'm just fucking waiting. fuck fuck fuck.
I can understand not saying anything to a sixteen year old, but you would think that maybe once he was married????
I'm *so* angry. I don't know if it's worth going forward with IUI until this has been fixed, and the fact that it's making us wait probably another few months when it's something that we could have had fixed ages ago really pisses me off.
For me, right now, the waiting is definitely the hardest part. I think I'd be much more okay with it if we were actually able to "try" each month, but since I still have not seen any sight of CB, I'm just fucking waiting. fuck fuck fuck.
Sunny South Africa
We're on vacation. Thoroughly enjoying the R&R. I just spent the afternoon sunbathing on the balcony of our hotel room (yes, topless - very liberating!), sipping champagne and admiring our gorgeous view. I'm in heaven!
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Nosy bitch.
I've been really ticked off with one of my friends. There's a group of six of us who have known each other since high school and still get together on a regular basis. So one of the 'girls', "Marge" (I still think of us as girls, even though we're all over 30!)emails all of us last year around October, saying that she's thinking about starting a family at some point, and what are the rest of us thinking.
I was pretty honest about what was going on with me - i.e. not having gotten my period for 3 months (at that point), and really hoping that I could, so I could start "trying". I figured, if you can't tell your friends and depend on them for support, why are they your friends? I expressed that sentiment - and it led to one of the other emailees ("Jess") telling us that she had actually been trying for three years, including Clomid, IUI's... with no luck, and no diagnosis. Others emailed that they weren't ready yet, or were waiting for something else to happen first... I thought it was really nice that we could all be so open and honest with each other.
But then I realized that Marge, who had asked the initial question, hadn't told us anything about *her* plans. So I emailed her specifically and asked. She had started it after all, so I thought it was only fair. She responded that 'oh, I think I'll start trying around April'. Or something like that.
A month or two later, Jess announces that she's pregnant! Managed to do it the good old-fashioned way. SO happy for her :-)
But then Marge emails the next day to say that she's pregnant too. I was (and still AM) really hurt, upset, angry with her. Not for getting pregnant on her first fucking month of trying (okay, that ticks me off too), but for being so nosy about other people's business and yet not reciprocating. At all. It probably pisses me off more than it would if it were someone else, 'cause Marge has been nosy all her life... but *still*. I kinda want to say something to her, but at the same time I don't know if it's worth it. Gah.
I was pretty honest about what was going on with me - i.e. not having gotten my period for 3 months (at that point), and really hoping that I could, so I could start "trying". I figured, if you can't tell your friends and depend on them for support, why are they your friends? I expressed that sentiment - and it led to one of the other emailees ("Jess") telling us that she had actually been trying for three years, including Clomid, IUI's... with no luck, and no diagnosis. Others emailed that they weren't ready yet, or were waiting for something else to happen first... I thought it was really nice that we could all be so open and honest with each other.
But then I realized that Marge, who had asked the initial question, hadn't told us anything about *her* plans. So I emailed her specifically and asked. She had started it after all, so I thought it was only fair. She responded that 'oh, I think I'll start trying around April'. Or something like that.
A month or two later, Jess announces that she's pregnant! Managed to do it the good old-fashioned way. SO happy for her :-)
But then Marge emails the next day to say that she's pregnant too. I was (and still AM) really hurt, upset, angry with her. Not for getting pregnant on her first fucking month of trying (okay, that ticks me off too), but for being so nosy about other people's business and yet not reciprocating. At all. It probably pisses me off more than it would if it were someone else, 'cause Marge has been nosy all her life... but *still*. I kinda want to say something to her, but at the same time I don't know if it's worth it. Gah.
Monday, February 21, 2005
delusions
Every now and again I notice that my CM is different. So I convince myself that it's because I'm ovulating. Don't tell M because he'll think I'm nuts, but jump him anyway. At least that part is fun. And then I convince myself that it really is possible that I'm pregnant, despite the fact that I feel *none* of the symptoms. I read about people's boobs hurting so they think they might be... I don't even have that. Just a delusional imagination.
My RE wants me to go on the pill while I'm on vacation (South Africa for 3.5 weeks), in preparation for starting injections when I get back and M has seen the urologist. In a way I don't want to, I still have these absurd ideas (yes, delusions) that I'm just magically going to ovulate, M's 1.5 million good sperm will magically find this super egg, and I'll get pregnant while we're away.
I guess I still haven't really accepted the fact that this is a pipe dream. I should just get over it and go on the fucking pill.
But somehow I still hold out hope - I'll wait, take a pg test while we're away, and start the pill two weeks before M's appointment. Then within the week after that I see the RE, get the go-ahead for injections and go off the pill. But at least if I don't go on the pill right now, there is a small chance that we might manage it on our own. You know, the whole "all you need to do is relax" thing. ha.
My RE wants me to go on the pill while I'm on vacation (South Africa for 3.5 weeks), in preparation for starting injections when I get back and M has seen the urologist. In a way I don't want to, I still have these absurd ideas (yes, delusions) that I'm just magically going to ovulate, M's 1.5 million good sperm will magically find this super egg, and I'll get pregnant while we're away.
I guess I still haven't really accepted the fact that this is a pipe dream. I should just get over it and go on the fucking pill.
But somehow I still hold out hope - I'll wait, take a pg test while we're away, and start the pill two weeks before M's appointment. Then within the week after that I see the RE, get the go-ahead for injections and go off the pill. But at least if I don't go on the pill right now, there is a small chance that we might manage it on our own. You know, the whole "all you need to do is relax" thing. ha.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
update
One thing I neglected to mention about my RE appointment last week - I asked her about the pulsatile GnRH, and she basically said that it is old technology; no better than the injections and a lot more difficult to implement. I do have an appointment with one of the endocrinologists at the MGH unit that has published studies on the pulsatile GnRH so I'll see what she says. I don't know if it's one of those things where this doc doesn't use it so isn't willing to consider it, or if it really is old hat now. From that one study it really did sound better though (96% cumulative pregnancy rate after 6 months vs. 82%). I like those odds!
M has his urologist appt on 3/30, a week after we get back from our trip. So hopefully I'll be able to start on the injections for the IUI not too long after that.
I've been sad recently - I so wanted to be pregnant *with* my younger sister. She and I went off the pill at the same time, with plans of sharing our pregnancy. She got tired of waiting for me in January, and started "trying". Pregnant the first time around!!! That turned out to be a chemical pregnancy... but this month, her second try, she's pregnant for real. I'm really excited for her, but a little sad at the same time. I was totally anticipating us bonding over this, and now it's going to be me, on the sidelines... I know this sounds awful, but I'm really glad that it didn't happen last month. Gave me a month to get used to the idea, at least.
So far it's been pretty okay, although I was there last night when she told my mom, that was hard. Especially when Mom's husband says to me "Well, I guess she beat you...". I just don't even know what to say! I'm pretty sure he didn't mean to be hurtful, but that doesn't make it NOT hurt. I guess I'm going to have to get used to crap like that.
(My father passed away ten years ago, when I was 21, and Mom remarried in 2000. So I call him my mother's husband rather than my stepfather, because he really has not been at all like a father to me. I like him just fine - usually. But I cannot call him my stepfather.)
M has his urologist appt on 3/30, a week after we get back from our trip. So hopefully I'll be able to start on the injections for the IUI not too long after that.
I've been sad recently - I so wanted to be pregnant *with* my younger sister. She and I went off the pill at the same time, with plans of sharing our pregnancy. She got tired of waiting for me in January, and started "trying". Pregnant the first time around!!! That turned out to be a chemical pregnancy... but this month, her second try, she's pregnant for real. I'm really excited for her, but a little sad at the same time. I was totally anticipating us bonding over this, and now it's going to be me, on the sidelines... I know this sounds awful, but I'm really glad that it didn't happen last month. Gave me a month to get used to the idea, at least.
So far it's been pretty okay, although I was there last night when she told my mom, that was hard. Especially when Mom's husband says to me "Well, I guess she beat you...". I just don't even know what to say! I'm pretty sure he didn't mean to be hurtful, but that doesn't make it NOT hurt. I guess I'm going to have to get used to crap like that.
(My father passed away ten years ago, when I was 21, and Mom remarried in 2000. So I call him my mother's husband rather than my stepfather, because he really has not been at all like a father to me. I like him just fine - usually. But I cannot call him my stepfather.)
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Unfounded optimism
This is going to be a bit of a ramble - I have so many things floating around in my head...
So much for me thinking that all I need to do is ovulate and I'll be popping out babies like a champ. M has sperm issues. 48% motility and 3% on the morphology. So the RE told me that we should go right to IUI. HA. I don't even get to try making a baby in anything close to the 'old fashioned way'. I kinda feel gypped.
On the other hand, though, I think I have it easier than some because I know what's wrong. I know why I'm not getting pregnant. In some ways that's less stressful, I think, than wondering every month if I am or not.
M has to have a few other tests done, I guess to figure out if there's some underlying problem with him or not. One of the tests is an ultrasound of the scrotum. I almost burst out laughing when the RE told me that. The picture I get in my head...
He travels for work, gone Monday through Thursday each week. Which makes scheduling tests kinda tough. Plus we're gone from 2/25 to 3/22, so this is going to push things back even further. I was thinking I'd start meds in the week after we got back, but I couldn't even get him an appointment until the Friday, then he has to see a urologist, THEN we can start thinking about meds. I hate waiting.
One good thing about IUI is that we can freeze his sperm so I don't have to worry about flying to wherever he is for baby-making sessions. But it seems so impersonal and antiseptic and so NOT what I had imagined. It would be so odd to get pregnant without him there. It makes me laugh and cry at the same time.
There I go again, actually thinking that I might get pregnant. What a joke.
Until now I'd always said that I'd stop at IUI - if it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be. I like our life together. I love my job, I have a bazillion hobbies, friends, family... but I realized yesterday walking back from the RE that it was easy to say that because it actually never crossed my mind that I *wouldn't* be able to get pregnant. Easy to say you won't do IVF when you're not actually faced with the choice. Not so easy when the life you'd imagined for yourself is slowly but surely being flushed down the fucking toilet. I was so naive!
So much for me thinking that all I need to do is ovulate and I'll be popping out babies like a champ. M has sperm issues. 48% motility and 3% on the morphology. So the RE told me that we should go right to IUI. HA. I don't even get to try making a baby in anything close to the 'old fashioned way'. I kinda feel gypped.
On the other hand, though, I think I have it easier than some because I know what's wrong. I know why I'm not getting pregnant. In some ways that's less stressful, I think, than wondering every month if I am or not.
M has to have a few other tests done, I guess to figure out if there's some underlying problem with him or not. One of the tests is an ultrasound of the scrotum. I almost burst out laughing when the RE told me that. The picture I get in my head...
He travels for work, gone Monday through Thursday each week. Which makes scheduling tests kinda tough. Plus we're gone from 2/25 to 3/22, so this is going to push things back even further. I was thinking I'd start meds in the week after we got back, but I couldn't even get him an appointment until the Friday, then he has to see a urologist, THEN we can start thinking about meds. I hate waiting.
One good thing about IUI is that we can freeze his sperm so I don't have to worry about flying to wherever he is for baby-making sessions. But it seems so impersonal and antiseptic and so NOT what I had imagined. It would be so odd to get pregnant without him there. It makes me laugh and cry at the same time.
There I go again, actually thinking that I might get pregnant. What a joke.
Until now I'd always said that I'd stop at IUI - if it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be. I like our life together. I love my job, I have a bazillion hobbies, friends, family... but I realized yesterday walking back from the RE that it was easy to say that because it actually never crossed my mind that I *wouldn't* be able to get pregnant. Easy to say you won't do IVF when you're not actually faced with the choice. Not so easy when the life you'd imagined for yourself is slowly but surely being flushed down the fucking toilet. I was so naive!
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Misc
I wish there were more people in blog-land with my problem. My gyn told me "gain some weight, don't exercise so much, and you'll probably get your period back". My RE completely disagreed, and seems to think we should go ahead with hormone treatments. I'd like to know, if I do gain weight (actually that part's taken care of, I'm back to what I was before I decided to lose anything), how long before I get my period? Right away? Months? Years? It would be nice to know what other people's experience is. I know that there are others, they have to do the clinical studies on someone, right? I just can't find anyone.
Speaking of my RE, going to see her today to discuss next steps. M had his SA on Friday (I felt really bad for him he called me from there and said "Does it matter if I didn't get very much in there?" Apparently the logistics were tough - any suggestions? it's one thing to pee in a cup, but I can see how this might cause problems. tee hee). We've had all the other blood work done, so hopefully we're good to go.
My gyn didn't really seem to know about pulsatile GnRH at all, and wasn't aware that one of the leading clinics for it is right at MGH. So it'll be interesting to hear what the RE's take on it is, whether she knows about it, can do it, thinks it's a pile of crap...
Speaking of my RE, going to see her today to discuss next steps. M had his SA on Friday (I felt really bad for him he called me from there and said "Does it matter if I didn't get very much in there?" Apparently the logistics were tough - any suggestions? it's one thing to pee in a cup, but I can see how this might cause problems. tee hee). We've had all the other blood work done, so hopefully we're good to go.
My gyn didn't really seem to know about pulsatile GnRH at all, and wasn't aware that one of the leading clinics for it is right at MGH. So it'll be interesting to hear what the RE's take on it is, whether she knows about it, can do it, thinks it's a pile of crap...
Monday, January 31, 2005
people must stick their noses in...
Hubby's going in for his SA on Friday. Had to call the hospital to register beforehand, and he was quite surprised that they already had him in the system, albeit with his parent's address. So we're over there last night, and he asks if they can think of any reason it might be in there.
His Mom: "Why are you going to MGH?"
M: "For an appointment"
His Dad: "What do you need an appointment for?"
M: "It's just an appointment"
Dad: "But what for?"
M: "For a fucking sperm analysis, alright?"
Dad:
Well, he really didn't have anything else to say. Mom got it... Dad's just a little slower on the uptake. I probably turned redder than any of them did though!
His Mom: "Why are you going to MGH?"
M: "For an appointment"
His Dad: "What do you need an appointment for?"
M: "It's just an appointment"
Dad: "But what for?"
M: "For a fucking sperm analysis, alright?"
Dad:
Well, he really didn't have anything else to say. Mom got it... Dad's just a little slower on the uptake. I probably turned redder than any of them did though!
Friday, January 28, 2005
today's appointment
Saw my gyn today. Had scheduled the appointment a while back, to go over test results etc. It was, unfortunatley, a waste of time. I sat in the waiting room for half an hour, sat in the exam room for another 15 minutes (at least I had brought some work with me so it wasn't a complete loss), then she came in to chat.
She told me that my HSG was normal (that *was* nice to hear - at the test, the radiologist had said something like "we should see the dye spilling into your peritoneum", but didn't actually say whether he did or not. I should have asked, but for some silly reason I'm intimidated by doctors. Need to get over that.) Other than that,not much. I did at least ask her for a copy of my blood test results, so I know what all those numbers actually are. (Just about everything is on the low side of normal for the follicular phase). I asked for printouts of my HSG as well, just 'cause it's cool, but she said I'd have to request that from radiology.
On a completely different note, I had lunch today with a friend from when I worked here before (I'm back at the company I worked for before I went to grad school), we talked about her daughter (18mos), and then it turns out she's pregnant again, due in July :-) So she asked whether I wanted kids at any point, so I told her the whole sordid story. Turns out both of her kids were conceived through IVF.
It's amazing how many people have trouble conceiving. Growing up we all think that you can get pregnant at the drop of a hat, but I know so many people (not even including blog world) who have had, or are having trouble. If only we knew then what we know now!
She told me that my HSG was normal (that *was* nice to hear - at the test, the radiologist had said something like "we should see the dye spilling into your peritoneum", but didn't actually say whether he did or not. I should have asked, but for some silly reason I'm intimidated by doctors. Need to get over that.) Other than that,not much. I did at least ask her for a copy of my blood test results, so I know what all those numbers actually are. (Just about everything is on the low side of normal for the follicular phase). I asked for printouts of my HSG as well, just 'cause it's cool, but she said I'd have to request that from radiology.
On a completely different note, I had lunch today with a friend from when I worked here before (I'm back at the company I worked for before I went to grad school), we talked about her daughter (18mos), and then it turns out she's pregnant again, due in July :-) So she asked whether I wanted kids at any point, so I told her the whole sordid story. Turns out both of her kids were conceived through IVF.
It's amazing how many people have trouble conceiving. Growing up we all think that you can get pregnant at the drop of a hat, but I know so many people (not even including blog world) who have had, or are having trouble. If only we knew then what we know now!
Thursday, January 27, 2005
snow sucks... but it keeps me from exercising!
I hate the snow. I am getting repetitive stress injury / carpal tunnel in my left wrist from all the damned shovelling I've had to do. let's see... Had to shovel when I got home last Wednesday night (can't pull into my driveway with *any* snow on it 'cause it's too steep). Thursday morning - more snow overnight. Saturday evening, trying to get a jump on the blizzard (8in). Sunday morning towards the end of the blizzard (somewhere between 0 and 48 inches, depending on drift size). Sunday evening after it had finally stopped snowing. Wednesday morning before leaving for work. Wednesday evening getting home from work. This morning, clearing up the last of it. GGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! That's eight time's I've had to shovel the driveway in the past week. Most of them by myself too, 'cause hubby's away for work. Mostly in Charlotte NC which is at least a little warmer than here, although this week he's in Minneapolis...
There is NO place to put the damn stuff anymore.
I suppose the good thing about it is that (aside from the shovelling), it has really kept my exercising down the past week. No hockey over the weekend, no hockey on Tuesday, no game yesterday - it's actually been over a week since I've been out on the ice, which hasn't happened in a *long* time. Probably not since we went to AUS / RSA for 5 weeks in '03. Not playing has not come without its frustrations however...
What REALLY ticked me off? I didn't want to drive in on Weds morning this week, but had to because we had a hockey game in the evening, and I needed to bring my equipment and the team jerseys. I didn't know it was supposed to start snowing in the morning, I was under the impression the snow wasn't going to start until evening. So I woke up late. For snow anyway - 7:30. (*&@#$ shovelling meant that I didn't leave the house until 8:30. Then it took me an hour and a half to get to work. Yes, you read that right. NINETY minutes to go 8 miles. It usually takes 20! FUCK. I practically could have walked there in that time. And then (I'm sure you can see what's coming here) the fucking hockey game was cancelled. Yes. Cancelled. Basically, I completely wasted two hours of my life (the 30 min of shovelling + the 90 min of driving). AND I didn't get to play hockey.
Did I say that I HATE snow???
There is NO place to put the damn stuff anymore.
I suppose the good thing about it is that (aside from the shovelling), it has really kept my exercising down the past week. No hockey over the weekend, no hockey on Tuesday, no game yesterday - it's actually been over a week since I've been out on the ice, which hasn't happened in a *long* time. Probably not since we went to AUS / RSA for 5 weeks in '03. Not playing has not come without its frustrations however...
What REALLY ticked me off? I didn't want to drive in on Weds morning this week, but had to because we had a hockey game in the evening, and I needed to bring my equipment and the team jerseys. I didn't know it was supposed to start snowing in the morning, I was under the impression the snow wasn't going to start until evening. So I woke up late. For snow anyway - 7:30. (*&@#$ shovelling meant that I didn't leave the house until 8:30. Then it took me an hour and a half to get to work. Yes, you read that right. NINETY minutes to go 8 miles. It usually takes 20! FUCK. I practically could have walked there in that time. And then (I'm sure you can see what's coming here) the fucking hockey game was cancelled. Yes. Cancelled. Basically, I completely wasted two hours of my life (the 30 min of shovelling + the 90 min of driving). AND I didn't get to play hockey.
Did I say that I HATE snow???
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Waiting
I am not good at waiting. I am not good at dealing with things not going my way. I am a control freak! I have an appointment with my gynecologist on Friday, I think to just go over all the test results etc., then with my RE on 2/8, to talk about next steps.
That was supposed to be next Tues after my test, hubby's blood tests and semen analysis, but he wasn't able to schedule that until 2/4, so I had to postpone. At least he got it scheduled - he does not have baby fever in the same way as I do, so I was really anticipating having to nag and nag to get him to make the appointment. I had asked him to do it over a week ago and he procrastinated (as is his wont). Fortunately I just had to push very very gently. Telling him that it needed to be done before my RE appointment was what did it, I think. The man is hopeless without a deadline!
I also made another appointment (I don't think I've seen this many doctors in all my previous 30 years!) with one of the doctors at the MGH reproductive endocrinology group. They're actually the ones who did the clinical trials to get pulsatile GnRH treatment approved here in the US, so I'm being proactive in case my current RE hasn't heard of it / can't do it. Unfortunately I wasn't able to get an appointment there until after we get back from our trip (2/25-3/22). I was really hoping to be able to take the medication while we were away - lots of time / opportunity for baby making.
Hubby is a consultant and travels Monday morning - Thursday night each week, which complicates things even further. He has suggested that if I am on medication to cause ovulation that I could fly to whereever his is for the appropriate timing. Should be able to work that out with my boss, as my work is all done on a computer. Doesn't really matter where the computer I'm using is physically located, which is nice.
That was supposed to be next Tues after my test, hubby's blood tests and semen analysis, but he wasn't able to schedule that until 2/4, so I had to postpone. At least he got it scheduled - he does not have baby fever in the same way as I do, so I was really anticipating having to nag and nag to get him to make the appointment. I had asked him to do it over a week ago and he procrastinated (as is his wont). Fortunately I just had to push very very gently. Telling him that it needed to be done before my RE appointment was what did it, I think. The man is hopeless without a deadline!
I also made another appointment (I don't think I've seen this many doctors in all my previous 30 years!) with one of the doctors at the MGH reproductive endocrinology group. They're actually the ones who did the clinical trials to get pulsatile GnRH treatment approved here in the US, so I'm being proactive in case my current RE hasn't heard of it / can't do it. Unfortunately I wasn't able to get an appointment there until after we get back from our trip (2/25-3/22). I was really hoping to be able to take the medication while we were away - lots of time / opportunity for baby making.
Hubby is a consultant and travels Monday morning - Thursday night each week, which complicates things even further. He has suggested that if I am on medication to cause ovulation that I could fly to whereever his is for the appropriate timing. Should be able to work that out with my boss, as my work is all done on a computer. Doesn't really matter where the computer I'm using is physically located, which is nice.
Saturday, January 22, 2005
happy HSG
Had my HSG yesterday. It wasn't too bad. Took the radiologist ~5 minutes to find my cervix, which was interesting. Two things I found amusing - first, the tech who was helping draped my lower body entirely in towels. So all I was to the radiologist was a vagina. I thought it was a funny way of depersonalizing the procedure...
So they got me all set up, catheter in the right place, balloon blown up, then the radiologist and the tech both left the room and came back in wearing their lead aprons. I couldn't stop laughing for five minutes - the radiologist's apron was in a camoflage pattern!
The test itself was fine, I felt a few minor cramps, but nothing unbearable. Watching on the screen was neat. It looked to me as if the bottom of my spine was crooked - I wonder if that has anything to do with the muscles of my back being so tight. I'll have to ask the chiropractor when I go again on Monday.
I've gotten to see so much of my insides over the past few months. One of the fun side effects!
So they got me all set up, catheter in the right place, balloon blown up, then the radiologist and the tech both left the room and came back in wearing their lead aprons. I couldn't stop laughing for five minutes - the radiologist's apron was in a camoflage pattern!
The test itself was fine, I felt a few minor cramps, but nothing unbearable. Watching on the screen was neat. It looked to me as if the bottom of my spine was crooked - I wonder if that has anything to do with the muscles of my back being so tight. I'll have to ask the chiropractor when I go again on Monday.
I've gotten to see so much of my insides over the past few months. One of the fun side effects!
Thursday, January 20, 2005
pulsatile GnRH
More web research... turns out that pulsatile GnRH is actually approved in the US, although it sounds like that happened recently. The leading clinic is actually at MGH, so hopefully my RE will be able to do that, or can refer me to the clinic for that treatment rather than injection of gonadotropins. It sounds like the pulsatile GnRH is the more appropriate treament for HA, with less monitoring required, less chance of multiples.
some more research
Sounds like pulsatile GnRH administration is the way to go...
I was not thrilled about the idea of using fertility treatments to induce ovulation, hoping to start again on my own, but read this "In one small 2002 study, 70% of women with FHA recovered with no therapy at all after an average of eight years."
EIGHT years???
This is by far the best article I've found to date. Most complete explanation of the different underlying causes of HA, as well as treatment. Mentions pulsatile GnRH as the ideal treatment, with 90% ovulation, 30% preganancy / cycle, low rate of multiples... OF COURSE not available in the US. WTF?
I was not thrilled about the idea of using fertility treatments to induce ovulation, hoping to start again on my own, but read this "In one small 2002 study, 70% of women with FHA recovered with no therapy at all after an average of eight years."
EIGHT years???
This is by far the best article I've found to date. Most complete explanation of the different underlying causes of HA, as well as treatment. Mentions pulsatile GnRH as the ideal treatment, with 90% ovulation, 30% preganancy / cycle, low rate of multiples... OF COURSE not available in the US. WTF?
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
interesting article
So I just did a pubmed search for "hypothalamic amenorrhea" AND gonadotropins. Found lots of good stuff. Maybe even a few articles that could butress my case for gonadotropins as a treatment of my underlying cause of infertility, rather than an infertility treatment per se. Talk about splitting hairs.
Anyway, there's also a really good article that talks about HA here. They compare body weight, fat %, other physical characteristics, hormone profiles and eating habits and psychological profiles between women with HA and normal controls.
Some very interesting stats. Women with HA got their periods later (as I did), have a lower fat percentage (I was down to 16.5% although I think I'm back up at ~20 again), lower BMI (I'm definitely going up here - I'm now at 21.7, was at 20.5 a couple of months ago)... have a diet much lower in fat (16% for HA vs. 30% for normal)...
I'm going to try using fitday to track the percentage of my diet that comes from fat versus carbs. I think that is almost certainly something that is true of me, and another thing I can work on changing on my own.
My nutritionist did suggest adding olive oil to pasta sauce when I eat that. I haven't yet because I naturally rebel against adding fat to my diet - BUT MAYBE THAT'S MY PROBLEM!
Oh - another thing this article says that hits home - "Psychological assessments by Berga et al. (7) and Giles et al. (8) indicate that women with FHA are perfectionistic overachievers". Describes me to a T. Continues on to say "with low self-esteem (7) and an inability to cope with daily stresses (7, 8)" which I don't think describes me, but who the hell knows at this point. Would one symptom of being a perfectionist overachiever be the inability to admit to low self esteem and inability to cope? Could be.
Anyway, there's also a really good article that talks about HA here. They compare body weight, fat %, other physical characteristics, hormone profiles and eating habits and psychological profiles between women with HA and normal controls.
Some very interesting stats. Women with HA got their periods later (as I did), have a lower fat percentage (I was down to 16.5% although I think I'm back up at ~20 again), lower BMI (I'm definitely going up here - I'm now at 21.7, was at 20.5 a couple of months ago)... have a diet much lower in fat (16% for HA vs. 30% for normal)...
I'm going to try using fitday to track the percentage of my diet that comes from fat versus carbs. I think that is almost certainly something that is true of me, and another thing I can work on changing on my own.
My nutritionist did suggest adding olive oil to pasta sauce when I eat that. I haven't yet because I naturally rebel against adding fat to my diet - BUT MAYBE THAT'S MY PROBLEM!
Oh - another thing this article says that hits home - "Psychological assessments by Berga et al. (7) and Giles et al. (8) indicate that women with FHA are perfectionistic overachievers". Describes me to a T. Continues on to say "with low self-esteem (7) and an inability to cope with daily stresses (7, 8)" which I don't think describes me, but who the hell knows at this point. Would one symptom of being a perfectionist overachiever be the inability to admit to low self esteem and inability to cope? Could be.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
my cheapness bites me in the ass...
Back in November when I had to decide which health insurance to go with, mine or hubby's, we decided to go with his - my company actually pays you a small amount ($31/paycheck) if you have health insurance through another avenue, i.e. a spouse. So we end up getting our health insurance for next to nothing, with that reimbursement.
Of course, his company is located in CA, and doesn't cover fertility treatments. Where mine is located in the great state of MA and does. Of course, that doesn't matter at this point, because the only way to change from one to the other is through 'a qualifying change in family status'. I don't think wanting to have a baby counts. Grrrr... If only I'd known!
The only thing covered by his insurance is "Diagnosis and treatment of underlying medical cause of infertility when provided by or under the direction of a Physician."
I'm *hoping* that at least one cycle of the hormones / associated monitoring can be covered under that guise. I really wish there were more info available about hypothalamic amenorrhea. I've found some articles about its association with leptin levels, and treatment by recombinant leptin - of course, that's not an approved treatment so the only way to get it is through some kind of clinical trial. Other than that? Not much. I asked my RE about testing my leptin levels, she said they're probably low but knowing that won't make the treatment any different.
Of course, his company is located in CA, and doesn't cover fertility treatments. Where mine is located in the great state of MA and does. Of course, that doesn't matter at this point, because the only way to change from one to the other is through 'a qualifying change in family status'. I don't think wanting to have a baby counts. Grrrr... If only I'd known!
The only thing covered by his insurance is "Diagnosis and treatment of underlying medical cause of infertility when provided by or under the direction of a Physician."
I'm *hoping* that at least one cycle of the hormones / associated monitoring can be covered under that guise. I really wish there were more info available about hypothalamic amenorrhea. I've found some articles about its association with leptin levels, and treatment by recombinant leptin - of course, that's not an approved treatment so the only way to get it is through some kind of clinical trial. Other than that? Not much. I asked my RE about testing my leptin levels, she said they're probably low but knowing that won't make the treatment any different.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)