16: "No period baby!" 30: "No period - baby?"

Last appointment... so now we wait.

2012-01-26T22:44:00.000-05:00

We saw the pediatric neurologist today. He told us that they did not see anything additional on the MRI, which is excellent news as it means we are much more likely to be in the category with less dire outcomes. If you're interested, this paper provides a pretty good summary both of their own findings and the literature. So at this point it's just a waiting game - we will do another MRI post-birth, and hope that they don't find anything additional on that either (the fetal MRI can be a bit of a guessing game b/c the fetus is moving around so it's hard to get perfect images).

We have another u/s in 2.5 weeks to check on the status of the kidneys; the would consider early delivery if those progress, as fluid in the kidneys if it builds up too much can cause a dearth of amniotic fluid (which is essentially the baby's urine), and can also cause kidney damage. I am hoping that since truffle's kidney size was relatively stable between 18 and 28 weeks that it will remain that way - having to deliver him prematurely is definitely not ideal, I think that the extra cooking time is even more important for him than someone without brain abnormalities. I have a feeling that as long as the post-birth MRI comes back clear, we won't know for a long time what we're dealing with, as a lot of the issues that these kids have do not necessarily show up in the early days.

One thing from the paper that I referenced that took us by surprise was that in the group with isolated agenesis, 60/87 chose to terminate, and in the group with additional brain abnormalities, 70/88 chose termination.

MRI confirmation and more thoughts.

2012-01-24T22:50:00.002-05:00

The MRI today wasn't too bad. I asked before the procedure if I could lie on my side and the nurse said she didn't think that would be possible as they need to get things in a certain plane. So I started out lying on my back. After a bit (there were no timepieces, so not sure how long, but Mark who was in the room with me guesstimated 10-15min) I started feeling lightheaded, a bit queasy and clammy as if i was going to faint, so I squeezed the emergency bladder they give you and got the heck out of there. I couldn't do another half hour of that, so i told them I had to lie on my side - and turns out that was fine. So they gave me a bunch of pillows, and I was comfortable enough that I actually fell asleep (I was practicing my Bradley relaxation - guess it worked!)

After we were all done, the doc came out and told us that on his preliminary look at the scans there was nothing additional to what we had been told yesterday, but those findings were confirmed.

We then went to see the doc who did yesterday's ultrasound, and talked to her for about 45 minutes. She said that at the u/s she wasn't sure if the corpus callosum was partially there or not - turns out it is completely missing, and the ventriculomegaly was confirmed as well, but the two are intimately linked (in this case, there can be other causes of the ventriculomegaly). The MRI doc looked specifically for some other brain defects that can be associated with the missing corpus callosum and didn't see any of those (although he said that he would need more time and a fine tooth comb to make sure that some of the finer details are as they should be, like the infolding on the surface of the brain).

So we are *really* hoping that there are no additional abnormalities that are discovered in the next few days. Please.

Then we spent quite a bit of time talking about what we might expect. She said that if the missing corpus callosum is an isolated finding, i.e. no other abnormalities, there is a 60% chance that Truffle could be totally normal, or have such mild deficiencies that one wouldn't notice without them being specifically pointed out. 40% chance of some kind of developmental delay. If there is an additional finding that comes out from the MRI, and perhaps the fluid on the kidneys is such an additional finding - it is unclear if the two are linked or not, then the chance of delays goes up to 70%. The reason it's unclear is that the missing corpus callosum is not typically seen with kidney fluid, or vice-versa. So it's possible that there is some underlying genetic issue like a trisomy of some chromosome that is causing both of these, which would put us in the latter category, but if it's just two random occurrences, then there is a higher chance that we would have no issues.

They offered for us to meet with a neurologist once the MRI reading is complete, to get a better sense of what the range of outcomes would look like; as a physician who sees patients he could give us perhaps a more complete picture based on his experience.

We could also do an amnio to find out whether there is an underlying karyotype issue that is causing these findings, but both my OB and the u/s doc said that if termination is off the table (which it is for me as I mentioned yesterday), they would recommend strongly against an amnio at this point because it could cause preterm labor - and in a baby with a brain abnormality, the last thing you want is additional stress and issues from prematurity. So that, for me, is also out at the moment. I don't see the need to have that information before he is born; perhaps afterwards as it might help us have a better idea of what to expect, but I don't think things will change much for a newborn so I don't think we need to know before that.

Mark's parents also know two people who had the same abnormality discovered via ultrasound, and both are completely healthy, functioning individuals.

So I think that overall, despite the confirmation of the missing corpus callosum, the information we received today (and what I found in some googling I did yesterday) is overall not as bad as I initially feared, when I heard, "an important part of your baby's brain is probably missing".

I'm ~~fully~~ prepared for us to have some struggles, it would be nice if everything worked out happy clappy, but I'm not going to bank on that, and I know that no matter what Truffle will be loved. It seems to me that severe issues are unlikely (will get more info from the neurologist on what the "worst case" scenario would look like), and we will be okay.

Thank you SO much for all your thoughts, comments, and prayers - means so much to me to know we have so many people on our side. xoxo.

27w4d and not so good news...

2012-01-23T14:30:00.000-05:00

Bit of backstory first. We did the Early Risk Assessment at 11w4d. Bloodwork came back normal (risk of Down's syndrom in the 1:1000 range, trisomy 13/18 in the 1:3000 range), NT measurement was good, but they couldn't visualize the nasal bone, which is a soft marker for Down's. So we had another scan 10 days later, at which everything fortunately looked good, and so our risk of Down's decreased to 1:3200 and 13/18 to 1:5000-ish. So it was a little worrisome, but everything seemed to turn out okay. This was the point at which we decided to share our news with the boys and the world.

Fast forward to our anatomy scan at 17w4d... we found out we're having another boy, and that he, at the time, had excess fluid in his kidneys (Hydronephrosis). The doc told us that this is fairly common, particularly in boys, usually resolves itself, but if not just bears watching over time to ensure that it's not affecting amniotic fluid or anything else in the pregnancy. Also that it is a soft marker for Down's, but given that everything else looked great, it only increased our risk to 1:1600 - so pretty much not even on the radar screen for me. But we were scheduled for another ultrasound for 10w later to monitor the kidneys = today.

I was honestly pretty unconcerned about all this. DH was debating about coming to the u/s, saying, "well, what if we get some bad news like the baby does have Down's, I wouldn't want you to be alone for that" (as I was at our 10wk appointment when I found out Schweffel had no heartbeat). I told him that if it worked out with his schedule at work he should come, but no need to jump through any hoops. I was expecting that just like in the cases of many of my friends who have had various soft markers on ultrasounds, like spots in the brain or whatever, that the excess fluid would be gone by now, and we'd get the all clear.

Well, not so much. Not only was the fluid in the kidneys still there, when they scanned the rest of Truffle's anatomy, they found that he now has a buildup of fluid in the ventricles in his brain, a condition called "ventriculomegaly" which can be associated with anything from completely normal outcome (which is what the article from Children's suggests as the most likely) to mild developmental delays to severe retardation, mostly depending on the cause. The doc looked around at the rest of the brain, and apparently one potential cause of the ventriculomegaly is that the corpus callosum, which is the structure that connects the two halves of the brain, can be missing (agenesis) - and she couldn't find it on the ultrasound, or maybe only part of it (and I'm not sure if she was just saying that to avoid giving us all the bad news at once). So we're going for an MRI tomorrow for a more detailed look. The range of outcomes if the CC is in fact missing is much less likely to include "normal". It sounded like they are more of the opinion that this is some kind of chromosomal problem given that we now have two abnormal findings; the kidneys which have not resolved (although not gotten worse either, which I suppose is good), and the potential malformation in the brain.

Obviously, not what we wanted to hear. For me what made it even harder was that each person we spoke to about it (the radiologist, my OB, and the genetic counselor) made sure to mention that although termination is not an option in this state, they could refer me out of state if that was what our decision was, if the additional testing confirmed abnormalities. I couldn't even begin to think about it without sobbing. I had held myself together pretty well up until that was mentioned, but that's what necessitated tissues. (I honestly can't imagine terminating at this point unless Truffle wasn't going to be able to survive, and even then I'm not sure I could willfully end his life).

I'm trying really hard at the moment not to drive myself crazy with what-ifs and to wait until tomorrow when we will have more information (they were able to schedule the MRI for tomorrow afternoon). I know that we will all love Truffle regardless but at the same time this may mean a very different future, particularly for me, than I had envisioned. Mostly I'm managing, aside from not being able to write this news to anyone without sobbing. And forget talking about it. I'm sure as things settle in and I'm used to our new normal it will be okay, but having to adjust that normal is hard.

So please, think good thoughts for us, and hope that we don't get worse news tomorrow.

More updates

2011-12-13T00:03:00.001-05:00

i've posted some new updates over at my other site if you're interested. If you need the password, let me know. :)

What a tease!!!

2011-10-20T20:34:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, my spotting was negligible, and I was so stoked.

I also felt Pswyfl flip over, I'm almost positive.

Then I woke up this morning to my lightdays liner being almost totally filled with lovely, red blood. ARGH!

I checked for a heartbeat with the doppler and was able to find it, so that set my mind somewhat at ease.

Called the doc and the nurse called back pretty quickly. Offered another ultrasound. But when I asked if there was anything that could be done, for, say, a placental tear (which is what I'm guessing it is, re-aggravated by the flippage), she said no. So I didn't really see the point.

Either the baby is going to be okay or he's not, and unfortunately it seems like there's not much I can do about it. Except hope like the dickens. And wait.

Not too much bleeding since this morning, and back to old brown gook.

But really, can we just be done with this already???

Updates

2011-10-17T22:21:00.002-05:00

posted at http://phredfwedschweffel.wordpress.com. let me know if you need the password (comment if you have emailing enabled, or email me at my gmail account, noperiodbaby).

Beautiful beautiful sound.

2011-09-19T14:57:00.003-05:00

Blah blah blah spoke with the nurse, went through history blah blah blah

She *finally* got the doppler out, and despite my fears we could hear the h/b as soon as she put it on my belly. Nice and loud (I know that's only b/c the volume was turned up, but still). 180 bpm.

Next hurdle is the NT scan, 10/3. I'm not particularly concerned about that (yet, talk to me in ten days or so) but I am more so than for any of our previous pregnancies given that I'm now 37. But it's SO good to get past this appointment with good news instead of bad!

Practicing deep breathing

2011-09-18T20:21:00.001-05:00

My first OB appointment for this pregnancy is tomorrow. I am nervous as all get out. My nausea has all but disappeared, and I have zero other symptoms, so I'm worried. Really worried. Symptoms aren't supposed to abate this early, and this is exactly what happened last time - all of a sudden, 3-4 days before my appointment, I felt completely fine. And then, we discovered that was right around the time Schweffel had stopped growing. I do not like that this is following exactly the same path. Fortunately we had a really busy weekend so I haven't been able to think about it much, and now I'm about to go to bed. Then I only have to make it through about eight hours tomorrow before we know. Please think good thoughts for us!

Pg notes

2011-09-08T22:22:00.000-05:00

My last two pregnancies I've written "diaries" at somewhat regular intervals to track how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, that kind of thing. I think that despite the fact that I'm feeling nowhere near convinced that this pregnancy will end in a RLB, it's also kinda unfair to future RLB if s/he should come to pass not to have the same care taken to notate my pregnancy with him/her as with my previous ones. So I'm going to dive in, over on my other blog. If you're interested, great, come on over, link is http://phredfwedschweffel.wordpress.com, let me know if you need the password (comment or email). If you're not in a place where you feel like reading about kids or pregnancy I completely understand and will not be in the least offended if you don't follow me over there.

Another step in the right direction

2011-09-01T18:16:00.001-05:00

I've started feeling queasy just about every day, starting right after lunch. Makes me feel like things are okay in there. Three days before the fateful appointment with my last pregnancy, the very very mild queasiness I had disappeared entirely. So it is definitely reassuring that I'm feeling this now, and nice that I'm actually feeling more queasy than I have for previous pregnancies. I will take it!

So that was reassuring me, but I was still nervous about today's u/s appointment, and more so as it got closer and closer. Didn't help that they were running half an hour behind, and had me sitting in the exam room with my feet up in stirrups for at least 20 min of that!

Anyway, when the doc finally came in, he popped the wand in and went first to look at my ovaries. (WHY do they do that FIRST? Why not go to the important part first??? He did pop by the uterus and I saw a nice black spot with junk inside.

When he focused on that briefly, I could have sworn that I saw a little flicker!

Moved over to the other ovary. Then back to the uterus. When he zoomed in I could see the yolk sac and baby, but no flicker... but then he changed planes by a little and there it was! Measured it at a very nice 126bpm, which I think is just about perfect for this gestational age. Measured the CRL and GS and all, everything right on target.

So.

Good news, but we're definitely not out of the woods yet. I did make my first OB apt for 9/19, which will be just shy of 10 weeks, and hopefully will not go like my last 10wk OB appointment.

My gut says that the last pregnancy failed because something went wrong in the transition from the baby getting its nutrients from the yolk sac to placenta. I hope that this little one (whom we will nickname Pswyfl, pronounced Shweffel, going with another creative spelling) will manage to get that step right.

All still well. Supposedly.

2011-08-24T23:46:00.003-05:00

Had my first ultrasound yesterday.

Immediately saw a big black blob in my uterus = good.

Doc then went to check my ovaries - still somewhat enlarged, but not bad, and a nice corpus luteum on each side.

Back to big black blob. Only one = good.

My heart sank though, because that was all I saw so i thought it was a blighted ovum or something.

But, when doc zoomed in, he claimed he could see the yolk sac and fetal pole, and even measure the crown-rump length which was 5w5d, so right where it should be (theoretically 5w6d according to ER date).

I saw some white shmutz, but I guess if he says it was a yolk sac and fetal pole I should probably believe him.

No hb. I *know* it's early. But we did see one at 5w6d with A, so in my heart of hearts I was expecting to see it, despite telling everyone (and trying to tell myself) that I had no expectations going in.

It totally makes sense that we didn't see a hb - with my betas running three days behind where they were with A, I should really consider that I was 5w3d yesterday, which is WAAAAAY too early.

So theoretically everything is chugging along as it should be. And I started feeling a little queasy today, 6w exactly, which is right on schedule.

And in a way I think it's better that we didn't see a hb because if we don't when i go back next Thursday it won't be quite the same shock as if we did see one today and then it stopped.

so.

Trying to be zen. I know there is nothing that I can do to affect whatever the outcome will be so trying to just focus on other things and hope the time passes quickly.

All is well. And yet...

2011-08-17T08:07:00.002-05:00

First beta 354. Second beta 850-something. I was so excited to hear that it more than doubled that I didn't even remember the exact number which is totally unlike me. Doubling time of 38-ish hours.

I also got to switch from PIO to endometrin. Yucky as that is (entire suppositories coming out in my pad on occasion), still WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY better than the PIO. I've still got bruises from that!

First u/s scheduled for 8/23 at 3:30.

As my last m/c was discovered at 9.5 weeks, with the baby's growth stopped at about 8.5 weeks I find myself not terribly worried about next weeks' ultrasound or even the one two weeks after that (perhaps I should be!) but I won't be able to believe there's even a chance this is going to work out until we get past the 10-ish week mark.

It's odd. I'm pregnant, they tell me, yet I feel no different, and it's as if i've put that knowledge in some other part of my brain to think about later. I was going to tell my mom when she came over yesterday, but couldn't get the words out. Surreal.

Beta = 354

2011-08-13T19:28:00.005-05:00

17dpo. Not bad, but not great in comparison to my previous pg which were ~350 at 14dpo and ~850 at 16dpo, and ~500 at 15dpo. I am hoping it's just because IVF pg tend to have lower betas than natural, and I believe I found a scientific paper to that effect when I was researching why my betas were so much higher than those most people were posting.

Going back on Monday for a repeat. Not so worried about that, more about what happens in a few weeks, but I think that's only natural based on my m/c being at 8.5 weeks. I imagine i will need a lot more hand holding as / if we get closer to that.

Updated: I get to change to endometrin instead of PIO. Whoop whoop!

NOT proven otherwise yet...

2011-08-12T22:34:00.003-05:00

Beta tomorrow. I figured I'd call the "cycle nurse" and ask two questions. One, if I am in fact pregnant, could I change to a different type of progesterone (answer: can be discussed, they do let some people change, although they are not going to test my progesterone level), and two, if I am not pregnant, would the plan be to start bcp immediately upon AF's arrival for another cycle (answer: no, I would have to have an apt with the doc first). This totally threw me for a loop - I just feel like it would be a totally wasted month, given that of our 8 mature eggs only 1 ended up being any good - chances of a natural cycle being any good are somewhat slim and getting slimmer.

So, despite having pretty much vowed not to test before the b/w tomorrow (I figured PIO would be way harder tonight if I knew I was not pregnant), I threw that out the window. If I *knew* the blood test would be negative I could demand to speak to a nurse in person when I went for the draw tomorrow am and see if I could convince them not to make me wait another month.

I immediately went out to Walgreens and picked up a test. (I always go for the cheap ones, crazy?). Then I went next door to Starbucks, ordered a mocha coconut frappuc.ino in which to drown my sorrows, and proceeded on into the bathroom to take the test. (how many pg tests do you think have been taken at starbucks??)

So I peed, and I watched. And watched... saw the liquid line going up, nothing showing up in the test window. Eh, just what I expected. But wait! the control line was coming up and maybe something else? Holy.EFFING.SH*%&#$%^T! NOT NEGATIVE. I looked again to make sure. Definitely two lines.

Grabbed my now celebratory frappucino and headed right to the car where I had left the test box to make sure that the two lines actually meant what I thought they did, it wasn't that I was supposed to see a plus sign or anything like that. And sure enough, two lines means no longer PUPO, just P!

Called DH right away because I figured if I knew he should too. Then my sis. At least I got the order right this time!

So damn, I was wrong. Things seem to have worked! (so far anyway. I know there's a long way to go before I can truly breath easy. But at least this is a start!)

PIO update

2011-08-10T08:29:00.000-05:00

Went to see the nurse this morning. Apparently we have been doing the shots in completely the wrong place, and in the wrong way. HA.

The day I took my trigger shot, I spoke to the nurse after my u/s and she gave me a general idea of where to do the shots, but we both thought I would be there the following day for another one, so she just gave me a general idea of where to do it, but didn't draw circles or anything.

So when I did do the trigger shot that night, we watched the Village pharmacy tutorial, and picked the locations for the shots based on that and what the nurse had said (about where your thumb goes when you're putting hands on hips).

Well, today's nurse drew circles further down and further outside, much more on the fleshy part of my bum. She also said that rather than stretching the skin out, which is what the VP tutorial had said, that DH should pinch a sizeable amount (of blubber) and then do the shot into that.

So, we'll see how that goes.

And, I totally chickened out of asking for an early beta since the conversation with the nurse was so short and to the point. So three more sleeps 'til that.

PI-OUCH!

2011-08-10T00:17:00.000-05:00

So, Just had the WORST PIO experience. When DH tried the first time it felt like he hit the same nerve he'd gotten the first time we did PIO on my right side / hit a knot in a muscle, and he said that the needle wouldn't go all the way in, it felt like it was hitting something hard like bone. So we tried again. And again. And again. then switched to the other side, and same damn thing. I told him to just push the PIO in anyway - well, it started spurting back out again! I almost fainted, darkness was closing in on me, barely made it to our bed.

So I think I'm going to go in to the clinic in the am and just ask if one of the nurses can do it and show me if we've been doing it in the wrong spot. DH said usually it's just like going into butter, but this time it was "crunchy" as if he was hitting something hard. I'm wondering if it's either muscle knots or just the oil that's just kinda hanging out there. Regardless, not fun for either of us (and I actually think less fun for him than me). We went through seven needles (including going in to get more PIO out b/c I squirted it when trying to get the bubble out from the new needle.)

LOL and ARGH at the same time.

Oh, and I figure if I'm in there anyway I might just ask for a beta (tomorrow will be 14dpo, currently scheduled for beta at 17dpo :) Also progesterone, and if it's high enough I'll see if they'll let me switch to vaginal. b/c I think the next shot is going to be HARD!

pupo*

2011-08-04T20:10:00.000-05:00

Today is 3dp5dt (3 days past 5 day transfer for those not versed in IVF lingo). I feel nothing. I was hoping that I might feel a bit crampy, or SOMETHING people, but nope.

Backing up a few days, starting Sunday night I found I was feeling the most nervous I think I have ever been for anything. which is weird, right? I think there was a butterfly mosh pit or something going on in there. Not because of the transfer procedure; that's fairly straightforward, I think just not knowing how many embryos were still growing, and of course, the eventual outcome.

Monday morning, more of the same. I could barely eat, which trust me, NEVER happens. I managed to force down some cereal as the only thing that seemed remotely appetizing. I had had doubts, when I read through my med protocol, about the vali.um they had prescribed to be taken an hour and again 15 min before transfer - by Monday morning I was counting down the minutes until I could pop one of those suckers!

When I finally did, it really did help, I felt much more zen within 15 min or so which was great. Took the second when we arrived at the clinic, as instructed. Had full bladder as instructed.

Commented to the nurse after they had me change into the hospital gowns in a ROOM WITH A TOILET that that was really mean! ;)

So we both got gowned up, then headed in to the transfer. They told us that of our seven embryos, one was a good looking blast (no score, but the pic looks to me like a 4AB from the advanced fertility website), and the other was not so hot (maybe a 2BB?), probably wouldn't make it to freeze, so they were recommending we transfer both.

I had prepped DH with my arguments against transferring two, in case the V made me so loopy I was unable to marshall them myself, but I was fully capable when it came down to it. A) we don't want twins. B) I have three natural pg under my belt (would that be a chastity belt?) C) This is our first IVF cycle, D) would rather not be pregnant than have twins. They did try and push us a bit further, by showing us a document they had typed up with their recommendations on eSET (only for women under 35 with at least one freezable blast in addition), which isn't really much of an argument, we stayed firm, and they relented. Perhaps if we get further down this road we will change our mind, but not now.

The transfer was u/s guided, and they used some weird-assed stirrups that held my whole legs up, and also tilted the table backwards so I felt like I was at maybe a 30 degree angle. I guess that helps with getting the catheter into the cervix? I tried as best I could to just relax, but I found myself tensing my legs as if to hold them up myself. It was definitely odd. Basically all I could think about though was how my bladder felt like it was going to explode every time the doc pressed on the ultrasound thingy. A friend who experienced this the week before did not have val.ium, and said that she felt horribly embarrassed basically having her entire ass hanging out in front of the doc. I guess another + for drugs! They did it first with just the catheter, then got the embryo, claimed they could see a little flash on the u/s as it was deposited (I could see where the catheter was but did not see the "flash"), checked that the catheter was empty, and then we were done.

Stayed at the clinic for another 15 min or so in quite a comfortable chair/bed (ched?), then got up, PEED!, and went home. NOW I was feeling loopy, and when we got into the car to drive home, asked DH if we had paid for the parking. He assured me that we had, but I could find no recollection of it anywhere.

Almost as soon as we got home I headed to bed, NOT feeling like myself, and slept for the next FOUR hours. I would have slept longer, too, except that the phone rang and woke me up.

Still didn't feel like myself, could barely eat dinner (again, NOT normal), so went back to bed again until about 10pm (not sleeping this time, just didn't feel like doing anything). At that point I finally did feel back to myself except FREEZING. Put on a sweater then within a few minutes I was drenched in sweat. Temp was 99.8. Ugh. I was then imagining that the fact that I had mistakenly skipped on of my doxycyline doses meant I had a raging uterine infection that was going to ruin this whole thing, so I actually called the clinic. Doc I spoke to was really nice, said they don't worry unless fever is >100.4, take some Tylenol (which I already had) and for sure come in the next day if my fever went any higher. Fortunately, next morning I felt my usual chipper self, so that crisis was averted.

So now I'm PUPO, but as I said not feeling terribly hopeful as I'm feeling nothing (aside from an inordinate number of hiccups** yesterday, but that was isolated). I don't even feel any of the normal PIO symptoms, just feel pretty much normal.

Found out today that the other embyro did not make it to freeze. In a way, the fact that only potentially one of our seven embryos made it past day 5 almost makes me feel better about our chances - we have NOT been making good embryos all along, so maybe, hopefully, my uterus is just fine?

*Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise; Anyone know who coined the term? was it Julie / A little pregnant?

** I have hiccupped every day for the past 23 years. At first it was on the order of 100's of times a day, it's dwindled down to about a dozen and I barely notice them anymore. Except yesterday when I probably hiccupped around 100 times. (Guinness record is 63 years so I hope not to make that!)

HFS!!!

2011-07-30T22:16:00.000-05:00

The nurse called this morning and said we would be doing a day 5 transfer, on Monday. Someone else would call later on to let me know what time. I almost let her hang up, but then thought to ask how the embryos were doing.

Well. She counted, and said that all seven are still growing! Six are 8-cell, and one is a 10-cell.

So, we're scheduled for 11am on Monday.

Only thing is, the fact that ALL the embryos are still growing makes me think that producing embryos has not been the problem for the last year, rather getting them to hang around. I've been nervous ever since the D&C's that there's something wrong now such that embryos are not able to implant, and certainly this makes me feel even more that is the case. HOPEFULLY I am wrong and one of those embryos will snuggle in nicely just a few days from now.

Whew!

2011-07-28T17:40:00.000-05:00

We got 13 eggs at ER yesterday. I was sore afterwards, but a heating pad and some tylenol helped enough that I was able to cook a birthday dinner and cake for DH (after a two-hour nap in the afternoon!)

Overnight I spent some time lying awake imagining A) that all the eggs were immature because of the early trigger, or B) that none fertilized and the lab had to do rescue ICSI which would end up being unsuccessful.

It was a long wait today until the nurse called... but the news was not as bad as I had feared - 8 eggs were mature and of those, 7 fertilized. Not too shabby. They will call again Sat morning to let us know about a day 3 vs. 5 transfer. Since I'm only transferring one I'm hoping for day 5, we'll see.

In other fabulous news, we *finally* got the building permit signed off for our new house, so barring anything really unforseen we will get our certificate of occupancy tomorrow and move early next week. YAY! (We bought the property April of 2009 and started framing in November so it's been a LONG time coming!)

OWW!

2011-07-26T23:17:00.000-05:00

Trigger last night wasn't too bad, I thought. DH did pretty well with getting the needle in, and that part really wasn't painful. He then drew back on the syringe like you're supposed to, and at first got bubbles, but then said he was getting a little blood.

The IM injection tutorial we had watched said that if that happened, to discard the syringe and remix. Well, we didn't HAVE anymore, so I told him to go ahead.

Seemed okay at the time, but MAN am I sore today. My whole left side feels sore, from about my hip to my upper thigh. Worse than when I've fallen on that area when playing hockey (my pads don't cover it well). I wonder if that's why they tell you to try again. Will ask at my ER - if i feel this way after every PIO shot I will be one hurting mama by the end of the 2ww, let alone anything that comes after!

Then my ovaries are also quite tender, and it doesn't help when they get kicked or punched.

I don't know if I'm going to feel better or worse tomorrow! (Well, today.)

Already???

2011-07-25T21:35:00.001-05:00

So here's how my cycle has gone so far:

Started stims (150U Gonal-F, 75U Menopur) last Sunday.
First u/s Weds morning, ~10 follicles in the 7-10 range.
Second u/s Fri morning, e2 329, ~10 follicles from 10-12mm.
Third u/s Sun morning e2 1100-ish, ~10 follicles from 13-15mm, guess by doc of trigger on Tues
Today, e2 up to 1727, ~8 follicles from 14-16mm, guess by doc of trigger on Tues

So, they only seem to be growing ~1mm per day, but apparently after getting my b/w back today they decided I should trigger tonight for ER on Weds.

I'm a little worried that we won't get many mature eggs as most IVF docs seem to like to trigger when the biggest follicle is closer to 18-20. I'm guessing that they are getting nervous about OHSS and so wanted to trigger me sooner rather than later. I keep repeating to myself that OHSS really sucks and that if we get five mature eggs instead of 10, all we need is one. I'm just hoping that we do get at least a few!

So.... if you know of any happy endings with early-ish triggers, please do tell!

(I'm also nervous about the silly IM shot in a few hours. Hopefully those nerves will be groundless like they have been for the other shots.)

Soooo close!

2011-07-16T20:55:00.000-05:00

After 10 Lupron shots, I finally got to my baseline scan this morning.

I was super nervous beforehand, butterflies in my tummy and all, which I think is kinda silly but it is what it is.

It didn't help that I had been telling myself I needed to leave the house at 7:45 for an 8:15 apt (takes 20 min to get there), but then decided at 7:44 that I should make myself some tea and toast. So I ended up leaving at 7:53 instead, which is really cutting it a little close.

I arrived at the hospital at 8:10 (had some good traffic light karma and went a leetle fast which is always fun in my convertible.)

And then Murphy being as he is, the garage I always park in and have NEVER had trouble finding a spot in before was FULL. And when I say full I really mean it - I drove all the way from level 1 down to level 6 and back up again and there was not ONE spot (aside from the approximately 100 handicap spots, I really think someone needs to do a better job of figuring out how many of those are actually necessary). Fortunately as I came up to the very last level of allowed parking there was a guy walking down, so I snagged his spot after he pulled out. But by that time it was already 8:20 and i was now LATE. Ugh.

So I hightailed it up to the doc's office, and fortunately they were fairly blase about my tardiness. Whew.

Scan was all good, lining was 4mm (which is actually a little thicker than I was expecting, but I am still bleeding so that may be why), and my ovaries were "small", with 8 antral follicles on the left, and 7-8 on the right or vice versa. Whatever, pretty good for an old bag ;) So I got the all clear to start my stims tomorrow night.

I actually considered starting tonight because I'm so anxious to move forward. But I restrained myself. I have made a bargain with myself that for this first cycle I am going to trust what they tell me. If this one doesn't work out, then I will become a bitch. :D

Although working out? I honestly can't even fathom it. I'm trying this because I believe it's our best shot, but I can't imagine actually getting a BFP out of it.

Two shots down, 43-ish (+ ongoing PIO hopefully) to go!

2011-07-08T23:19:00.002-05:00

I was super nervous before my first Lupron shot. Didn't particularly make sense, as I've certainly done a lot before with my injectable cycles... but this was different because it was in my thigh. So I didn't get to sleep until around 3:30 the morning before my first one.

When I finally dragged myself out of bed, I figured I had to get to it. After the requisite prep I squeezed the area of my thigh I was going to inject into, stuck the needle in (whatevs, it was *nothing*), let go of my thigh and pressed the plunger. When I withdrew the needle, yikes some liquid came out along with a little blood. And then i started *itching*. Weird feeling. I got a welt about an inch in diameter.

Felt as if I was on an adrenaline high for about three hours afterwards, until I finally managed to calm down.

I didn't think the shot went totally to plan, certainly it seemed to me that the amount of liquid that came out was a goodly proportion of what I had put in, so I called the nurse. She suggested that I continue to hold the area I was injecting into rather than letting go in the middle. worked like a charm, this morning's attempt was way better. No itchiness either.

i did do this morning's shot sitting in my closet so the boys who were playing just outside the bedroom wouldn't see me and ask too many questions if they came in.

Responding to comments

2011-07-03T20:09:00.000-05:00

I often get comments from "anon" or people who have set up blogger accounts, but I can't respond. So I will write back in comments, but I never know if they get to the original poster. Josey posted on how to set up your profile so that ICAN respond to your comments, and it can still be completely anon if you like - you just set up a new, not related to you IRL, email address.

See her post here for more details.

here we go...

2011-07-01T22:19:00.000-05:00

Got my IVF "calendar" today.

Continue with bcp until 7/11.
Start Lupron 10U 7/7
Baseline u/s 7/16
Start stims 7/17 150U Gonal-F, 75U Menopur, Lupron down to 5U
First monitoring 7/20
ER sometime week of 7/25
ET 3-5 days later.

Ack!!!

(And, throw in moving to our new house, FINALLY, on 7/12)

Hypothalamic Amenorrhea BFP

2011-06-26T21:54:00.002-05:00

I've been tracking pregnancies on the fertilethoughts hypothalamic amenorrhea thread for about four years now. I think that the stats are quite interesting, and definitely belie the common wisdom in the RE community that A) women with HA can "gain 50lbs and still not get their cycles back", and B) "Clomid doesn't work if you have HA". To wit:

Total pregnancies: 240

First post-HA pregnancy: 190 pg
Natural*: 54 (28%)
Clomid**: 52 (27%)
Clomid + injectables: 7 (4%)
Injectables: 47 (25%)
IVF: 27 (14%)

HA vets - subsequent pregnancies: 50 pg
Natural: 38 (76%)
Clomid: 3 (6%)
Injectables: 6 (12%)
IVF: 3 (6%) - one first from adoption, one from injects, one from IVF

m/c rate: 20%

Notes:
1. First post-HA pregnancy is not necessarily a first pregnancy as some develop HA after having a child already due to overexercise / underfueling.
2. I have grouped Femara and Clomid together in these stats
3. Due to miscarriages, some people are represented multiple times
4. Injectables is usually Menopur as with HA we need LH in addition to FSH to have the best response to injectable cycles. Some people have used FSH + hcg or Luveris. FSH alone is more likely to lead to cycle cancellation.
5. The proportion of BFP from injectables has decreased to about 17% if you look at the last three years only - since the Clomid extended protocol paper came out.

* 8 were natural after clomid, 5 of those after extended clomid
** 9 were extended clomid

CD4

2011-06-26T21:08:00.002-05:00

No waiting to do IVF miracle for me this time around :( The crimson bitch showed up late Wednesday, so Thursday was officially CD1. I called the RE to let them know, and they said I should start bcp that night.

I took T to the grocery store, and figured I could pick up my prescription while I was there, perfect. Except they didn't HAVE my prescription. I called the RE again, but it was closing time so didn't hear back. I figured it wouldn't be a big deal if I didn't start the pill until the following day, so didn't stress about it.

The next day they called and said they had sent the prescription again. My plan was to pick it up on my way out in the afternoon. Except I would have needed to go in the opposite direction, and didn't remember until I was on my way. Oh well. I was going out with my girls later and thought I would grab the pills on my way there.

Well, i was about two minutes away from my friend's house in Boston when i remembered. Drove ALL THE WAY back to the grocery store near my house. fortunately I had 10 min to spare. i wondered if my subconscious was trying to tell me it was not on board with my plans. then i decided I'm just too tired i can't think straight.

I'm supposed to call on Friday to get the full schedule of when I start Lupron and stims. Good times.

Inspiration for Overcoming Hypothalamic Amenorrhea

2011-06-04T21:53:00.004-05:00

There have been an number of great, inspirational posts over at the HA board on the FertileThoughts forum. I thought I would collect a few of them here (with the author's permission.)

LindsayAnn wrote 6/19

I am feeling hopeful...almost too hopeful...like if it doesn't happen I know i will be crushed...but even so I gotta tell you all that it is so worth it just to even respond to the clomid with that follie/lining and then to see the smiley OPK, ovulate, etc....just knowing i responded is great. It is worth this past year and a half plus of TTC on my own. Weight gain...lifestyle change, etc...worth it ALL and then some. So please everyone keep going. If I can get to the point of responding/ovulating then I promise you ALL can too. I treated my body like crap, complete crap...for years and years. No longer I swear to God I will never go back to that type of lifestyle

Lawgirl wrote 6/21

The word I keep thinking of is FREEDOM. It is so freeing not to be wed to a workout schedule, eating only certain foods prepared in a certain way at specific times. It is freeing to no longer calculate how I’m going to squeeze in a work out. Instead, I can be fully present at work and for the people I love.

LindsayAnn wrote

"...thinness does not equal fertileness....quite the opposite. Your body wants extra padding, a bit of fat and curves to signal it can carry a baby and enable a baby to grow inside of you. No extra energy/fat supplies = no way your body will enable an environment to create a new life. Where as a 'thin/fit' might have been your previous goal (mine too...ALL of us), your new goal (please correct me if I am wrong here) is "healthy weight/still beautiful (promise you on that)/baby-producing body'...and, in order to do that you really need to gain....I think even more than 10 pounds. I know that SOUNDS scary, but after the first couple pds you will realize it's not nearly as scary as we imagine it to be. TRUST ME ON THIS. Like I said, I an 5 feet tall...29 years old....I was living the past 10 years of my life 20-30 pds lighter than now (not kidding...lowest weight was 67pds....typing that now makes me shudder at how bad that was,,,I just didn't see that reality then...now I sure as hell see it!)......I look much MUCH better now. I promise you. My body is a lot happier now too...as is my mind. It was hard...it still is at times...but I promise it will be worth it soon once I have a baby. Actually, scratch that...it already is worth it. I am more satisfied, confident (who woulda thought)(even with my bad.fat feeling days...still I feel more sexy and confidant) and content in who I am and what life is all about. It is sure as hell NOT about a weight or a **** number. I am more than that. And, guess what? So. Are. You."

Jambaby wrote

"Oh... I also want to point out a few things:

1. the MOMENT you get your BFP, the weight gain (even a gruesome 30 pounds) is worth it. Immediately!

2. Even if you fail progesterone, keep on trucking. I ended up ovulating naturally only 6 weeks after failing it. So don't lose hope!!

3. I have NO detectable EWCM, ever. And I still got pregnant. So don't fret. (I used preseed).

4. I am saddened by my mistakes - 6 years of undereating & amnorrhea.... but really proud that our bodies CAN overcome this!!!!! "

Jambaby:

"I have to post this because I am absolutely ENLIGHTENED...

A year ago, I was still perpetually aiming to live off ~1100 net calories a day. I was maintaining my (thin) weight with that. And I truly thought that if I ever went over (to, say, 1600), I'd keep gaining and gaining and gaining...

Anyways, as of July 2010, I made HUGE lifestyle changes. I took the plunge because I wanted a BABY more than anything. As in, NO MORE CALORIE-COUNTING. I began eating WHATEVER I want, and then some. And now, 10 months later (full of "liberated" eating...), I realize I am NOT gaining. In fact, I haven't gained AT ALL since November!!!

So yes, truly liberated eating did result in slowly and steadily gaining weight over 4 months (as per my intent, anyways)... but after that, my weight just NATURALLY plateaued. I am still within a healthy BMI range!

And believe me, I have been eating TONNES. Lots of healthy foods, AND also a tonne of junk (oops! ). I don't think twice about reaching for that second (or third) cookie! Without calculating how many calories to burn at the gym afterward...

Anyways, so over the past 10 months I have been eating a net of 2200-ish calories per day... sometimes more, sometimes less... and the fact that my body has settled at a "happy weight" is absolutely Shocking to me.

I am posting this to show you (and show myself!) that indeed, our bodies WILL find a comfy, "happy" weight! So PLEASE do not fear "liberated eating". Now that I am on the "other side" (as in, eating LOTS, cycles have returned), even though I still haven't got my BFP I am truly 1000x happier than I was when I was restricting calories - food is enjoyment, and this basic enjoyment is an important part of living a happy life.

This is truly a lesson that our bodies DO indeed need those calories.. a lesson I was too "scared" to believe earlier. I worried that my metabolism was busted... and that I needed to stay at 1100 forever... but our bodies BOUNCE BACK! Believe me, OUR BODIES WILL SPEED UP TO ACCOMMODATE THE EXTRA FOOD INTAKE! And they will eventually find a "happy", healthy weight to sit at.

Anyhow, even if this helps just 1 person, then I am glad I posted this rambly "discovery"."

AngelWings:

"We have to remember:
a) we will never be 'fat' or even 'overweight'! And even if our weight gets a little higher than we'd like, we can make it come back down after we achieve our dream.
b) Never underestimate your willpower - you will never loose that desire to run/exercise and eat healthily. It's just on hold for a while while you TTC and reach your dreams. For ages i thought if i let it go, i may never get back my motivation. Now i realise that it's harder for us to go the other way, we are going against what is natural for us.
c) While we think we are turning into whales, the difference isn't all that significant. DH/partners will often comment on our long lost boobs. They look at the positives.
d) Pregnancy = weight gain. Temporarily. And to get to to the BFP, we have to start the process.
e) I'd rather have HA than some other forms of IF, like early menopause, severe fibroids or endometriosis. Or even some other unexplained form that is so rare a cure isn't known. We can reverse our HA with lifestyle changes and failing that, there are meds available that make us ovulate to give us as much chance as anyone. We are 'potentially' fertile, our eggs are just waiting for us to get our body into a healthy place ("reproductively" healthy!).
f) When i'm feeling down, i look around everywhere... not just at the people i want to be like. If we really look, we'll see that our bodies are still 'lean' and attractive. I'm not all "love yourself on the inside", because i know how much our appearance on the outside can control the level of happiness within. It's a combination."

Jambaby 12/17:

I'm re-inspired to keep plodding along. Here are my reasons to STAY POSITIVE/LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE!!!!!

1. DH and I booked a trip to Disneyworld for February, and if I'm not pregnant by then, at least I won't be miserable with pregnancy nausea, and I can ride all the hardcore roller coasters
*And if I am pregnant by then, well I will be so thrilled about it that I won't mind touring the park at a slower pace/missing out on rides :P

2. I am tallying up how much extra money we will pocket for every additional month without a BFP. Essentially, the longer it takes till I go on maternity leave, the more paycheques I will receive, so the more it pads our savings account.... which means paying off our mortgage sooner, maybe I will treat myself to a nicer stroller (after a loong TTC journey, we all deserve nice strollers, lol), etc.

3. If I don't get pregnant in the next few months, I'll be able to squeeze in one more fun vacation with my hubby this summer, without being very pregnant (and therefore unable to fly) or overly uncomfortable.

4. Reminding myself that I am in the HOME STRETCH now. The worst part (denial, weight gain, getting over body image issues, waiting for my first period) is over. Now that my period is back, it really is just a matter of a few more cycles! And 1 year from now, it won't matter at all if baby was conceived 2-3 months sooner.

5. Knowing that many girls with HA have lower bone mineral density, I am using my pre-pregnancy months to STOCK UP on calcium and vitamin D... replenishing what I lost during my HA days, and stocking up so that I have lots of calcium & nutrients for pregnancy requirements.

6. I have only been at my current job for 1 year. The longer I am at it, the better I will get at it (making it easier to return to after my maternity leave), the stronger my professional reputation will be, the less sheepish I will feel about announcing my pregnancy, etc etc.

7. If I end up having a December baby (conceive in March or April) or later, it means my maternity leave may actually be 1.5 years (instead of the standard 1 year leave here in Canada). I work at a school, and it seems like around here they grant your leave until the following September - less disruptive for the students.

Jambaby 9/19/10:

I am making a list of Reasons to Stay Positive because I always feel better reading other girls' posts like this

*Out of all the causes of IF, this really IS the "best" one to have. Reversible, our parts are in working order (but just on hiatus right now!).. DEFINITELY a reason to be grateful. I HAVE OVARIES! I HAVE EGGS! I HAVE A UTERUS! Score!

*It's a life lesson: Because I am so motivated to get pregnant, I am motivated to gain weight. And through this, I've learned that LIFE IS TOO SHORT to restrict calories. Life is too short to cut out giant bagels and alfredo pasta from my life....
And after I eventually have a baby and try to lose the post-pregnancy weight, I will not go back to my old habits. This experience has taught me all about BALANCE... and that truly, nobody cares a little extra wobbly bits on me!

(If not for being SO MOTIVATED to get pregnant, I really don't think I would have ever dared to gain weight/get over my fears! This is truly a liberating experience....)

*In fact, this is a genuine wake up call that it really IS healthier to have wobbly bits. The media and health/fitness industry sure can skew us into thinking you need a flat stomach to be "healthy".

*My definition of 'FITNESS' is much more sustainable and fun: Instead of working off as many calories as I can on a boring machine, fitness now consists of trying different classes (yoga, pilates, dancing).... much more fun, and who cares if I'm burning less calories per hour.... fitness is now something I can truly ENJOY for the next 50 years, instead of a chore.

*Realizing that EVERYONE has a struggle. Whether it's IF, whether it's financial, other health problems, relationship woes... we don't get to pick our tough spots, but we sure are in control of how we respond.

So really, this experience is making me:
-More patient... (which will probably also make me a better parent...)
-More grateful for everything I do have (good health, great husband, etc)
-A better understanding of "healthy" eating - it's about balance!
-More time in my day to be sedentary and read, knit, etc, without feeling guilty
-An appreciation for TRUE fitness - trying out different classes, being outdoors... NOT trying to burn as many calories as I can into my 30 minutes on a machine.

Jambaby 10/7/10:

Regrets:

5 years ago, I would have recognized that my period stopping = a sign that I need to cut back on the cardio/"healthy" eating, NOT interpreted a sign to feel like I'm a "real athlete" and "super fit" since I made my period disappear.
-Would not have gone on birth control to "fix" the problem.
-When I finally went off the pill this April, I wish I wouldn't have been excited by the fact that I wasn't feeling as hungry (no more female hormones in me?) which enabled me to get by eating less and inspired to lose another 5-10 pounds. Argh!

Blessings:

-Finding this board in July. I am SO glad I took immediate action. Including buying a massive tub of Nutella and finishing it within 2-3 days
-Enjoyed pigging out on unlimited junk food for a month to get a headstart on the weight gain, then went back to healthy food (but made sure to eat lots of it)!
-Discovering that there's more to life than visiting the gym every day! I will NEVER be the same person again.
-Also discovering the joy of cheese and pasta... YUM! Again, I will never be the same deprived person again...
-Really, the longer it takes to conceive, it means the more time we have to accumulate savings, which means we can pay off our house faster... which results in BIG savings down the road.
-Like Nico, who has been an absolutely angel and helping all of us here on the board get through HA, I want to pass the torch and spread the word so girls later down the road don't have to go through this alone.

Jambaby 10/14/10:

...I agree with you on the weight gain! I used to think it would SUCK to gain, say, 5 or 10 pounds... so much that I would choose Diet Coke, aspartame-filled yogurt instead of natural... etc etc..

BUT now, man oh man. For me, it has actually a blessing in disguise to go through this and gain some weight. I forgot how tasty lasagna is!
And how much more free time I have without the gym!
And how fun it can be to eat a cookie or two without secretly counting how many calories need to be worked off later!

And actually, my former "potbelly" that always bugged me (when I was at my lightest!) actually now looks in PROPORTION with the rest of my body - it doesn't make me look like a skinny pregnant woman anymore, which suggests that my body really was not quite balanced /properly fueled before!

YAHHH weight gain! (PLUS, As Nico said, it will be easy to lose some of the weight* post-baby. *But we must be careful not to go all extreme and develop HA again!)

We've got a plan, Stan!

2011-06-04T20:56:00.003-05:00

Unsurprisingly, this latest cycle was another BFN - also with a bizarrely long LP (BFN at 16dpo so I stopped progesterone that night, didn't get my period until 18dpo!) So I think maybe I don't have any LP problems anymore and will just quit with this progesterone junk.

DH finally got his SA scheduled, and results from that were pretty normal, somewhat to both our surprise. So we're just in the unexplained IF bucket at this point.

I had my followup appointment with Dr. C a few days after that, during which she told me our insurance would probably make us do two cycles of injectibles before we could do IVF, and that the fact that we would do single embryo transfer would not fly with them as a reason to do IVF, as given my age they would be recommending that we transfer two. I tried three times to get her to answer my question as to WHY ovulation induction with injectibles would give us a better chance of pregnancy than natural ovulation (assuming we were aiming for only one mature follicle), and she kept going back to when I had HA and was doing injectibles then, and did not even come close to answering my actual question. By the end I was having a hard time holding back tears. I just felt like she wasn't listening to me at all (not so different from when I first went to see her, I suppose).

So, our plan, as we did NOT want to do injectible cycles, was going to be to ttc naturally for a few more months (maybe with a natural IUI thrown in for shits and giggles), and if no luck, then pay for an IVF cycle on our own, perhaps with a different clinic that had been highly recommended to me. Dr. C did agree to submit to insurance for approval for IVF on a long shot, and said we'd hear on that in a few days.

Well, to my utter shock and astonishment, the insurance coordinator called me back a few days later, and said that we were approved for two IVF cycles straight away! Wow! My friend at work had said that was the case, but Dr. C was so negative about it, i assumed that there was no chance in hell.

So... we'll finish out this hail mary cycle, and then get started on bcp or whatever next cycle, which would put us at ER at the end of July / beginning of August. I'm excited - and a little scared too. But mostly excited and probably way too hopeful.

I did call for an apt at the other clinic - they didn't have any openings until August, and that schedule isn't even out yet so I couldn't actually make one. So I figure we'll see how this cycle goes, and re-evaluate from there, if need be. Hopefully not! (I'm really hoping that I can talk them into a single embryo transfer, otherwise the point may be moot. I am NOT transferring more than one.)

Bloodwork n stuff.

2011-05-04T00:10:00.004-05:00

My doc's office posts bloodwork results online which I think is super cool as i can just look them up myself without having to speak to anyone.

I'm totally stoked about my numbers - e2 23, FSH 6.5, LH 6.6. LH has never been anywhere close to that before, my last results were 1.7 when I had HA and 2.4 before I conceived Timmy. Interestingly, that's my lowest e2 result - clearly not correlated with HA, for me. I was worried that my FSH might be creeping high, but that's still really good, and I had 16 antral follicles at my AF scan (I wonder if that's where the AF / Aunt Flo moniker originated??) so that's all good news.

Hysteroscopy to check on the fibroid from my saline u/s, and mock transfer tomorrow.

Ducks are getting lined up. Now I just have to get DH to call for a sperm analysis.

in case you're wondering

2011-04-24T21:42:00.002-05:00

I did not take my progesterone last night, with the expectation of a BFN this morning, if I was surprised I could have taken the progesterone at that point. Not surprised by the POAS result.

Finally started spotting this afternoon, thank goodness. I was a little worried that the crimson bitch would not show which would put a wrench in my ivf plans.

So, intake appointment and CD3 b/w and u/s on Wednesday. Hopefully my numbers aren't too bad and we can move forward from there.

I don't even know what to think.

2011-04-22T06:44:00.003-05:00

I called the IVF clinic yesterday and have an appointment with an RE next Weds, and they've put in the slips for me to do CD3 b/w and u/s over the weekend. (I know!)

But, Still no sign of red anywhere. AND my temp was up quite high for me this morning. I had said that I wouldn't test again until tomorrow, but I have no willpower with tests in the house. So I peed on the second one of the pack that jumped into my basket.

And it was still stark snowy white.

WTF??

I'm pretty sure that my O date is correct (http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/1bae1f) so what the hell?

I will call my RE's nurse today and ask if I can get a beta tomorrow if still no blood.

It almost has me thinking that maybe the pg tests are bad? Way to fuck with me, universe!!! At this point I'm just laughing about it.

Hope really is a little bitch.

2011-04-20T13:13:00.000-05:00

I should really know by now NOT to do any 2ww symptom analyzing. It just doesn’t lead to good things for me.

This cycle I started feeling some cramps at 8dpo, and I noticed that it was a bit more slippery when I was inserting my progesterone, both of which happened when I got my BFP with A.

So of course the mind starts ticking…

A few days later, I noticed that my bbs were sore when I was going down the stairs at a decent clip. Hmmmmm, goes me.

Until I realized the next day that it was actually my chest that was sore, probably from some exercises I had done Friday that I wasn’t used to. The day after that I actually figured out that it’s my ribcage area that’s sore, I think from my underwire bra (I desperately need new ones, but keep saying to myself that I’ll get them AFTER I have the baby. Ha ha ha.)

So bye-bye to that symptom. But, my temp was still up, when it’s usually dropped to around my coverline by this point, still feeling crampy, still feeling slippery.

I had resolved to follow my usual (as of the last few cycles) no testing until I’m officially late.

But then I had to go to the grocery store and a pregnancy test just jumped into my basket. I tried to stop it, but it was a feisty little bugger.

Decided to use it the next morning (13dpo) to manage expectations. Because I really was getting my hopes up, and would rather get a negative now, if that’s the way the chips are going to fall, than have two more days to imagine and hope.

Thought about it falling asleep, who was I going to share the good news with first and how?

Except that when I got up and peed on said test, it was completely totally stark white. So barren that I couldn’t even *guess* as to the location of the putative second line. So much for good news to share. La la la I know that it’s early, but if I’m pregnant, based on past history there should at least be a shadow of a line.

So. I’ve actually been thinking about doing one hail mary IVF, since we’ve now had well over the 6 BFN cycles that would be required to label me as infertile given my “advanced maternal age”. Apparently it is covered by my insurance and I wouldn’t have to go through IUI cycles first.

I’m feeling quite a strong sense of déjà vu. Before we had kids I was all, “if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be, if not I’ll do other things with my life and that will be okay”. That is so easy to say when you think you’ll be getting pregnant lickety split. And I feel the same way now. A few months ago I had said to DH that I wasn’t interested in doing any kind of treatments this time around, if it’s not meant to be then it’s not, and our lives would probably be easier without a third child – but again, I’m finding that I’m not quite so blasé about the idea anymore. So now lets see if I convince him or the other way around.

My entry in this year's "Moron of the Year" contest

2011-04-06T20:53:00.004-05:00

This happened a couple of weeks ago, but I thought y'all might get a kick out of it. I do in retrospect...

It all starts a few months ago - we let the kids play in the car on a fairly regular basis, it's in a garage so it's not going to go anywhere, and it's a great way to entertain them. Well, I guess the battery is getting old, so they managed to run it down a few times. We took it in for service and they confirmed that the battery was on its last legs - but we chose not to get it replaced, figuring we'd save some money by getting a few more months out of it. And down the slippery slope go, with mistake #1.

We had been away, and got home from FL Thursday night, so my plan was to let the boys play at home Friday am, then run some errands in the afternoon. They played in the car while I gathered up all the things we wanted / needed to bring with us on our errands, (mistake #2). A also got our portable battery (which I have used to jumpstart the car on multiple previous occasions, running down the battery is a thing with me) and they were playing with that too, using it's light to shine on things (mistake #3). So I finally get everything ready and go to start the car. No dice. Wasn't even turning over a tiny bit. So I think, "no biggie, I'll just use the portable battery". I go and hook that up, press the start button - the engine turns over, but not very healthily, and car won't start. BAH! So I think, "maybe we should just stay home." But, I see our neighbors across the street are home, so maybe I can get a jump from them. Mistake #4. I go over and check, and they do in fact have jumper cables. Cool! I say, "I'll just go push the car out, and meet you down here". I think, "Maybe I should ask for help?" but don't want to put them out. Mistake #5. So I go back up our driveway, hop in the drivers seat and try pushing with my foot to get the car backing out of the garage. Not enough traction. I hop back out, and hold onto A's door, using that for leverage. Works great! My plan is to get the car started, then hop back in. Mistake #6. I think you can probably get an inkling of where this is going... at the magical moment when the car has enough momentum I go to open the driver's door, but can't because it's right next to the garage door. holy fucking shit is what I'm thinking at this point.

And unfortunately, that was the last opportunity I had. At this point, the car is going faster and faster (our driveway is quite steeply sloped), and I just can't turn, open the door and hop in fast enough. So now I'm running next to the car, holding onto A's door trying with all my might to stop the damn thing and screaming, "NO NO NO NO NO NO". Down our driveway we trundle, across the road.... down through the neighbor's yard which also has a nice slope to it, I'm thinking, "I have a little more traction here, can I stop it?" I dig my heels in the best I can, but the answer is no, a 130lb woman against a two-ton car has no chance in hell. So *CRASH* we go, into our neighbor's house.

Fortunately, no-one was hurt, the car did not actually go INTO the house, more like just bounced off, so all in all it could have been way worse (like if a car was coming when we were zooming across the road!). But what a total complete bonehead move on my part!!!!! I swore in front of the kids for the first time ever, I couldn't stop myself from just saying "Fuck fuck fuck jesus christ fuck!" for about two minutes while T screamed (I was trying to get him out but couldn't open his door because it was in the bushes so ended up getting him out on A's side) T stopped crying shortly thereafter and I was able to control my potty mouth. My neighbor was so good about it, I apologized profusely about a thousand times!

It's all being covered by my car insurance, although I did have a moment's worry because I was not actually *driving* the car...

Glum

2011-03-20T21:10:00.003-05:00

I've completely given up on taking pregnancy tests, I got totally sick of seeing that stark whiteness every time. I just wait until the stupid crimson bitch shows up. Which, when I'm on progesterone as I have been on all the cycles I've "tried" in a while, usually happens at 14-15dpo. Last cycle it was at 14, which was good because my birthday was at 15dpo so I had a day to get over it and not ruin my birthday. This cycle, 14dpo came and went. Every time I went to the bathroom and there was no sign of the Bitch I stupidly let my hopes get a little higher and a little higher. Unfortunately, mid-day, there she was.

I had been telling myself that it was okay, that I was okay, but kinda lost it the next day when a bunch of stupid little things happened all in a row. We were out to dinner and ran into a good friend whom I hadn't called after her son had an endoscopy and was feeling really shitty about that, and I just couldn't hold it together. I think it was a combo of period hormones, yet another failed cycle sadness, hot, tired, hungry (we were on vacation), and feeling guilty about my friend but I couldn't stop the tears from coming.

When we got back to internet land on Saturday I posted on the HA boards about the stupid Bitch showing up and got tears in my eyes at that point too. This cycle has hit me much harder than the previous ones. I feel like a third child is not in our cards after all, and that makes me sadder than I thought it would. I really do have a a pretty good life right now and I am super thankful for that (especially my two lovely boys) and for a long time I've told myself that if we don't have a third I will be okay. And I will. But now that that seems more of a reality it's making me sadder than I expected. I know there is still some hope, but we're officially back in IF territory now that we've been trying for over six months (seven cycles to be exact) and I'm well over 35. And I absolutely do not want twins so I'm not interested in clomid or injectibles. I think I will call my OB on Monday and see about scheduling the saline hysterogram she had offered last year, so that I can know if something is structurally wrong and then make the decision to fix it or not. But I don't know if I have it in me to go further than that.

2011-03-20T20:51:00.004-05:00

I've been tagged by my very good friend Amanda over at Our Fertility Journey (yes, a while ago, what can I say) and this looks like another fun one! I'm also tickled pink to actually have been tagged for something - even when I was much more active in the blog world I very rarely got tagged and sometimes felt the same way I did when I got picked last in gym class. Stupid, I know!

Here's how it works:

Rule #1: the tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule #2: tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (ok, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tag-ee must state who tagged them.

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family? No pets. I had a cat growing up, but when DH and I got together we weren't home enough and until the kids are older I don't want the extra work

2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be? My dream right now is to go back to school for an MD when the kids are older. To become an RE. I don't know if I'm going to be able to make that happen. I considered going to med school when I was younger, but decided against it as I didn't see myself wanting to be with patients - if only I knew then what I know now, and how much I'm loving helping others with HA.

3. What would you do with a billion dollars? Honestly I can't even imagine. For me, we'd by a second home in South Africa, and an airplane so I could fly us there (another of my dreams is to get my pilot's license some day, much more likely than #2). Philanthropically (because no-one needs that much money) I'd want to do something to help kids and families - maybe something like providing free daycare for those in need.

4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood? Depends what caused the bad mood. Things like my m/c or yet another bfn - my boys really help. When it's just been one of those days with the two monsters, ice hockey or getting together with friends.

5. What is your bedtime routine? Think for an hour, "okay I'm going upstairs now", finally do it, pee, wash face, brush teeth, think about how I really should floss and decide to do it tomorrow, put my retainers in, face/hand lotion on, drink 16oz of water (I do not drink enough during the day!), pajamas and bed. (and a lovely progesterone suppository if I'm in another 2ww).

6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other? Beer hour at the company we both worked for. Funny thing was, I was interested in him from the get-go, made up an excuse to go to see him in his cube the next week, and he was *all* business. No dice. It took him a YEAR to figure out I was into him! (Probably for the best though, I got a lot of 'bad girl' out of my system in that year.)

7. What kind of books do you read? Mostly thrillers, as my "reading" these days consists of listening to books on CD in the car, and that seems to be what our library mostly carries. I almost always have the kids with me when I go, so it's pretty much grab the first thing I see and run before mayhem!

8. How do you see yourself in 10 years? I'm actually having a really tough time with this question at the moment. Perhaps in med school? Although that may be crazy. If not, maybe teaching, or perhaps still working at the company I've essentially been with since college. Hopefully with 14 and 12 yo boys and a 9yo girl :)

9. What’s your fear? Something happening to one of my boys (and that includes dh).

10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space? 1000% yes. I think that has to be the most incredible experience!

11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up? For the past 1.5 years, take my temperature.

12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be?
Buff him up a tad ;)

13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be? I love my name. But I did used to pretend when I was a kid that my name was Jessica, so if I had to pick a different one, that's what it would be.

14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose? Is there really anyone who would pick rain?

15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be? Based on the proportion of my diet it currently makes up I'd have to say whole wheat potato bread. It's my breakfast every day, then I often have it for (with) at least one other meal.

16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most? Support, comfort (both offering and receiving), and especially the thanks I've gotten along the way from fellow HA sufferers for helping point them down the right paths. Warm heart <3

17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods? Do I *really* have to pick? I like salty OR sweet, definitely not in combo. But I love both chips and chocolate... guess I'd choose sweet if I had to, I can go a day without chips but it's rare that I don't have at least one piece of chocolate and usually more. Definitely a weakness!

18. What items are in your purse right now? Nothing out of the ordinary.

19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go? I've been hankering to go skiing recently, so mountains!

20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn’t? 90210 and Private Practice are the two I'm most embarassed to admit, so those probably qualify.

The three people I tag are fellow HA bloggers (oops, broke the rules - oh well!):
Sarah at the SHU Box
Seeming Normal (a new blogger, go say hi)
Ceejay at Half as Many Chances

Wassup?

2011-02-18T21:12:00.002-05:00

I've been MIA the past few months - mostly because there's not a whole lot going on TTC-wise. My cycles are pretty regular, so we're trying each month - but no luck yet. I don't really see much point right now in posting my pre-O angst each month, followed by post-O angst (although I only have one pg test left so I've just been waiting for the crimson bitch each month and have actually found that a much more zen way to live, for me, than early testing), followed by "Shit! my period is here" angst. So that's where we're at. I'm supremely thankful for me two boys and feel so lucky to have them. I will feel even more lucky if we are able to have another, but if not, my life is pretty damn good as is so I have nothing to complain about. So that's that!

I do have plans to post about a few articles that have been published suggesting taking acetyl-L-carnitine to help restore cycles in women with HA... but that's probably going to have to wait until we finally move into our new house. (Hoping for April, expecting May/June... REALLY hoping it's not any longer than that, considering we started building in November 2009!!)

ABCs of me

2011-02-18T21:11:00.002-05:00

Saw this on a few friend's blogs (Josey, and Amanda)enjoyed reading about them, thought it looked like fun, and gosh, actually have a few minutes to do it!

(A) Age: 37 (the same age as my mom when we moved to the US. Yikes!)
(B) Bed Size: Super single. M's bed from when he was a kid, it's the old bladder style waterbed. Love it. But it's NOT big enough for the two of us plus occasional night-time visitors. New bed is on deck for the new house.
(C) Chore You Hate: Nothing in particular. I'm not a real fan of any cleaning but it has to get done so I do it.
(D) Dogs: Don't mind other people's, but NO interest in one of my own. I have a feeling I may be outvoted in a few years though.
(E) Essential Start Your Day Item: Nothing in particular. Not a coffee drinker, usually eat breakfast pretty early but I can manage without if I have to.
(F) Favorite Color: Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!
(G) Gold or Silver? Gold. I think it looks better with my skin tones. Not that I wear much of it, at the moment just my wedding/engagement rings.
(H) Height: 5'5". Used to be 5'6", but every time I get measured at the doc they take away half an inch. I have got to stop letting them do that!
(I) Instruments You Play: Used to play flute. Still can but it just doesn't get out of it's box very often. Maybe when I'm too old to play hockey.
(J) Job Title: Study manager
(K) Kids: Boys 2.5 and 4.5.
(L) Live: Near Boston
(M) Mom's Name: Helen. Really, nothing more interesting for M??? How about Movies? Memories? Ohh, I like that one. I'm going with that instead. A favorite memory - spending NYE with my cousins Sam and Lisa in SA years and years ago. We got all decked out and had a lovely dinner on their back porch overlooking the ocean, with a great chocolate mousse dessert (Flakeys on top, yum!). Then went to a club, only to find out you had to pre-book. So went to a bar down the street instead. It was just one of those nights where we laughed the entire time.
(N) Nicknames: Nic, Snifter (ONLY my sister calls me that), Chief
(O) Overnight Hospital Stays? A few nights that I do not remember after I totalled my car in '95. Also post-kids.
(P) Pet Peeves: Bad drivers and language laziness, like "your" instead of "you're". Etc.
(Q) Quote from a Movie: "Have fun storming the castle"
(R) Right or Left Handed? Right
(S) Siblings: One amazing younger sister.
(T) Time You Wake Up? Desired - 9am. Actual - usually sometime between 6-7, unless it's hockey Tuesday in which case it's 5:30. (Ugh. But I do love my hockey).
(U) Underwear: Bikinis.
(V) Vegetable You Dislike: Beans. I only eat them in minestrone when they're pureed, and unfortunately I've passed the dislike of beans on to my sons.
(W) What Makes You Run Late: Trying to get out of the house with kids!!
(X) X-Rays You've Had Done: Lungs (I get positives on TB tests b/c of the smallpox vaccine I had in SA), collarbone (broke it in my accident), leg when I broke it at three. Think that's it.
(Y) Yummy Food You Make: asparagus pasta!
(Z) Zoo, Favorite Animal: Loved the ... oh god, can't think of the stupid animal's name...oh yeah, peacock! that we saw at the Southwick zoo last summer. Five foot tailspan - amazing!

Lame-Oh

2010-12-18T22:31:00.004-05:00

I mostly like to pat myself on the back for conquering my hypothalamic amenorrhea. I don't overexercise anymore (I don't know how I would with the two kids!), and I eat pretty normally, including probably more than my fair share of chocolate.

But Thursday night, my HA mentality reared itself in full force. I had two choices of activities for that evening - my work holiday party at a nice place in town, or a scrimmage with my hockey team.

I *should* have picked the work party. But I didn't. And you know what my reason was? I picked burning calories over consuming them. And I actually thought about it like that. I knew there would be all kinds of yummy food at the party, so rather than go and enjoy myself, I opted to avoid it.

Which is really, really lame. And I'm kicking myself for it now. I don't get to see my coworkers much these days as I'm only in the office one day a week, and I've known a bunch of them for a long time, and consider them friends.

Hopefully I have learned my lesson from this, though, and even if I do feel pre-tortured by the food options, I will go, I will eat, and I will enjoy myself.

I really don't know why I even think about this, I'm at a perfectly healthy weight, and despite my recent splurges, the scale hasn't budged. So what was I so worried about? Stupid stupid stupid.

I guess the mindset never fully goes away, no matter how much we might tell ourselves we're over it.

Do you ever regress like this?? How do you handle it?

Hysterosco--what?

2010-12-15T23:12:00.002-05:00

I took Ceejay's excellent suggestion to use progesterone to try and fiddle with my cycle in order not to be bleeding at my appointment on 12/13. I started progesterone on cd14, with the hopes that if I took it for eight days, the drop in progesterone at that point would cause the crimson bitch to ride, and I'd be CD6 for the appointment.

Well, not so much. I ovulated on CD16 and had my usual non-progesterone-lengthened 10-day LP, so I ended up being CD4. I guess my LP wants to be 10 days come hell or high water! However, this period put the crimson in crimson bitch. I think I had my heaviest flow *ever* on CD1, and actually bled through my tampon overnight, CD1-2 which has never happened to me before. CD2 was medium, CD3 light, so by the time my apt rolled around on CD4 I was just spotting. I was already feeling much more sanguine about the appointment by that stage, as the bitch was much more normal than my previous five cycles, where I'd never gotten past the "light" flow (in my terms anyway).

Soooooooo... the doc came in to do the hysteroscopy. In hindsight, I probably should have asked how frequently she performs these, I'm guessing based on how it went, that the answer is "not often". There was a label on the machine that said "use Filter A for hysteroscopy (flexible tube), Filter OFF for Xoscopy (hard tube)" (I forget what the X was). anyway, it took about 15-20 minutes for her to figure out how to turn filter A on, which got rid of black circles that were in the picture. Lovely. Then she tried for about five minutes to get the camera through my cervix with no success. dilated with a pipette (no problem), and then was able to get it in. Problem was, everything was super fuzzy, she couldn't get it focused properly. So they injected me with a ton of saline to try and clear things out - THAT was uncomfortable. I felt like I could feel it flooding out of my tubes into my abdominal cavity if that's even possible! then she said she was at the fundus (top of my ute), but kept getting these funny orange/pink wavy lines that were going across the screen that wouldn't go away.

Then she had the nurse go and get another camera. this one looked totally sketchy, there was this black gunk that was all over the picture and seemed to be on the camera as it was static. I was less than thrilled with that, wondering if it could introduce infection, but of course I didn't say a word. This one also did the pink wavy line thing, but we did get to at least get a fuzzy view of the top of my uterus and the entrances to my tubes, both of which seemed to be clear.

She did apologize that things did not work out terribly well, but said that the fact that my uterus did inflate nicely with the saline and there were no obvious adhesions, along with the fact that my period was more normal, suggested to her that if there was any scarring at all, it was quite minimal. I think I can agree with that.

The final directive was to 'go forth and fornicate'. Well, not quite in those words. But we are "definitely" to try this cycle, as there seems to be a higher incidence of pregnancy post HSC/HSG as things might be cleaned out. We weren't actually planning on it because if I were to get pregnant the baby would be due very close to Timmy's bday, and I already worry about him as a middle child, so i was thinking it might be better for him to have his birthday celebration be unique. But consensus amongst people I've polled (which includes me as my sister's bday is six days after mine) is that it can be fun to have birthdays together, and certainly not a bad thing. So I think we'll go for it. (Because chances are it's not going to end up being an issue anyway, right?) If you have anything to add to the discussion of close sibling birthdays, I'd love to hear it!

Game on!

2010-11-22T22:25:00.002-05:00

Called my OB's office last Monday to politely request a hysteroscopy. Almost had a fit trying to explain to the receptionist what I wanted. Anyone else have that problem? Perfectly articulate in most situations, but ask me to talk to a nurse or doctor and it's as if my brain turns into a little puddle of mush. Fortunately after that practice round I was more ready when the nurse called me back and managed to get out "hysteroscopy" and "periods different since my D&C's" in approximately the right order, so she said she'd have Dr. B. call me.

I waited.

I waited.

I tried to decide how much longer I should wait.

And then lo and behold, a message on my phone. How the F I managed to miss the call I have no idea because my phone was on and ready... the message was relatively promising, Dr. B said that she'd recommend a saline sonohysterogram and that I could call and schedule it - OR, that I could call her. AND, she left a number for me to reach her at and HFS she actually answered the phone!

So we had a nice chat, I told her that I'd been doing some research online which most of her patients probably say and she probably hates, but she sounded okay with it, and I mentioned that from what I'd read, a hysteroscopy might be better than the SHG. She said that she felt they were about the same for diagnosis, but that if I'd prefer the HSC that would be fine with her. Go me!

Her appointment scheduler then called me this am, and I have an appointment for 12/13.

NOW, I just have to get my cycle to line up. If all goes as it has been I'd ovulate on 11/27. If I don't take progesterone, AF should arrive at 12/8 which would mean theoretically it would be over by the time 12/13 rolls around. So I'm actually hoping for a short LP this cycle. I know I've read about things to make an LP longer - anyone know how to make it shorter? I guess I could go on a weight loss binge, that might do the trick ;)

Not so much.

2010-11-13T12:21:00.002-05:00

Well, the crimson bitch hasn't shown up yet, but the stupid pee stick is still as pristine white as a freshly fallen field of snow, so she probably will sometime today. I'm usually not an advocate of early testing, but had I not tested all along I would have been crushed by a bfn this morning - with all the cramping I *really* thought there was good news coming. I'm definitely disappointed. More so than on my previous cycles, I think because I did have that sense of optimism this time that was absent on my other post D&C cycles. Guess it's on to checking out my ute.

Update: HA HA - hit publish, went to the bathroom, and there she is. Good timing.

Hopeful is creeping in.

2010-11-10T23:32:00.001-05:00

It may all be in my head. Probably is. BUT, I'm feeling a little hopeful for this cycle after all. It started yesterday with my temp up to 98.7, which is the highest it's ever been. So I broke down and POAS (it is REALLY not good to have a whole hoard of the internet cheapies, they make me do things I'd never do if I had to go out and spend the cash). It was a BFN. That's not entirely surprising given that yesterday was only 10dpo. But, all day yesterday I felt crampy down there. Today my temp was 99.2 and I'm not feeling well, so that can be chalked up to being sick (and probably yesterday's temp as well.) Plus, I have NOT been sleeping well - I'm completely exhausted, but lie awake once I get to bed, and have woken up randomly through the night as well. So that could also be affecting the temps. What's really weird is that normally when I can't get to sleep it's because something's bothering me and I can't get it out of my head - but the last few nights I've just laid there thinking about nothing. Just not asleep. Very strange. Anyway, today was another BFN because once you've started you can't stop. But more cramping too. So despite the stark white nothingness on the stupid tests, I'm still feeling more hopeful than I want to.

Hoping, but not hopeful.

2010-11-01T07:50:00.004-05:00

So I ovulated sometime in the last few days, CD14-15 again. Maybe I'm just masking a problem, but it seems to me that the docs who say, "there's no such thing as luteal phase defect" and don't take an individual's particular circumstances into account are doing their patients a disservice. Maybe LPD doesn't reach statistical significance in medical studies, but that doesn't mean it can't be the case for individuals.

If this cycle is not it, we're going to take some time off ttc - if I were to get pregnant next cycle my due date would be about 10 days before Ant will start kindergarten, and I feel like that is just too much upheaval at once for a tender little soul. It's already going to stink because the first day of kindergarten is his birthday! The cycle after that, my due date would be the day before Timmy's birthday. I worry that if we are lucky enough to have a third child, he will be a classic middle child (he's showing a lot of signs of that kind of temperament already), so I'd like to do as much as I can to keep him feeling special and not lost in the shuffle, and so I think not sharing a birthday with a younger sibling is important.

That does, however, give us some time to figure out if there's something wrong. I'm afraid that having the two D&C's might have caused Asherman's syndrome. My periods have not been the same since the D&C's - not absent, but much lighter than they used to be. I have an OB apt scheduled for 12/9. Hopefully that's not the problem, but if it is, we have a little while to figure it out.

Facebook

2010-10-28T12:52:00.003-05:00

Facebook can be really tough when you've experienced a loss, or are trying to get pregnant and having no luck. I know that I've been blindsided a few times, and that's even with already having two preshus kids of my own.

So THIS http://www.alittlepregnant.com/alittlepregnant/2010/10/baby-face.html is well worth checking out if you've ever felt similarly.

I think it's my favorite blog post EVER!

I think I'm the only one really interested in this,

2010-10-01T18:12:00.003-05:00

but I'm going to post it anyway.

I got a +++ OPK today (test line WAY darker than the control) somewhat to my surprise as I haven't had nearly as much CM as I usually do. Today is CD14, so I'll likely have a CD15 O this cycle.

That's made me really curious about the theory I proposed in my last post, so I figured I could check it by comparing the length of time between my ovulations - if my theory is correct, that would be constant, despite the change in LP.

Sure enough, my average time between ovulations is 28 days (wow, normal!). For my post Timmy cycles, it's been 28,29,28,30,24,29,27,29,26,27, and 29 days (the last assuming I O tomorrow). So it does seem that the "earlier" ovulation is not actually earlier, but just on an earlier cycle day because of my LP being lengthened by progesterone.

Like I said, I don't think anyone else cares, but I think it's fascinating! I would be so curious to know if it's true for anyone else, but I think that people taking progesterone for LPD without any other interventions are few and far between.

More bullets

2010-09-21T20:23:00.003-05:00

Not enough time to blog about everything I'd like to. So more random thoughts.

* DH has worked until 10pm the last four business days. He recently started a new job so that he wouldn't have to travel (which was a strong possbility with the job he left). However, this is NOT better!

* CD4 today. Or maybe 5. I did not have high hopes for this past cycle, but I'm still more bummed than I have let on to almost everyone.

* I did in fact O on CD13 last cycle. It is amazing how quickly that comes up when it's only 8 days post AF, instead of two weeks as was my usual!

* I have a theory on the early O, would love to know if anyone else has experienced this (although I think that in general taking progesterone on natural cycles is fairly unusual). So, last cycle was the first one this round of ttc where I used progesterone, and it extended my LP from 10 to 14 days. So that put CD1 four days later than it would have been otherwise... and I'm thinking that perhaps it aligned my cycles better? Was my O date the same as it would have been, but just on an early CD because of my lengthened LP? The same thing happened to me when we were ttc Timmy, my O's had been CD28 and CD27 the two previous cycles, I used progesterone which extended my LP from 7 days to 16 days and O'ed the following cycle on CD16. The earlier CD of my O seems to be balanced by the longer LP - make any sense?

* I'm a little worried that the D&C's screwed things up in there - after the post-D&C bleeding stopped, my first period was mostly spotting for 8 days, one day of heavy flow. The second was way lighter than usual, four light days and three days of spotting, very similar so far this time. I'm wondering if my lining is not getting thick enough for implantation? I think my plan is to see how the next few cycles go, and if nothing by the end of the year see if I can get a mid-cycle u/s to see what's going on in there. I hope I don't get there, but have a feeling I will.

Cycle fun

2010-09-03T21:20:00.004-05:00

There is never a dull moment when one does not have regular cycles. I find that from the moment I start temping at CD11-12, all the way through AF, there's a constant refrain in my head, "what does x mean? could I have ovulated already? is it just around the corner? OOooh, my temp jumped, did I O? Wait, back down again, what does that mean? Noooooo, below coverline, AF coming? Wait, maybe implantation dip? Oooh, really high temp, is that good? Ah back down again, AF? Yup" Rinse, lather, repeat.

So my "normal" is to ovulate somewhere around CD21, with a 10 day LP, so my cycles aren't too far off 28 days, although waiting three weeks every month to ovulate is annoying, plus the fact that my skin only clears up between ovulation and period, and since that's so short I spend a vast amount of time bemoaning the red spots. (I had lovely skin as a teenager, why now????)

I really do go on a rollercoaster ride every month. Last month, EWCM started up at CD8! I was totally stoked, maybe that would mean an early ovulation? I had a couple of really high (for me) temps around CD13, so I thought I actually might have ovulated for a few days, but my CM didn't dry up and my temp didn't stay up, so that was a no-go. 12 days after my first EWCM I finally did O... as we'd been on the every other day plan, I was *really* not into the BMS on the last few days, although we did based on my cervical position (I know WAY more about my cycle than I ever could have imagined!). So I finally O'ed on CD20 last cycle.

This cycle, I really had nothing until CD11 when I started having fairly copious EW (and my CP was high when I checked at night). I went off to buy some OPKs yesterday, CD12, so that we didn't end up in the same forced march of BMS that we did last cycle. Took one when I got home, and lo and behold, I had a hard time convincing myself that it was not positive. One caveat was that when I opened the box it turned out they expired in July, but if that were a problem that they just wouldn't work, not that all of a sudden they would start giving false positives. As Josey would say, "HFS!!!!" I'm still not at all convinced given last month, but today's OPK was not positive by any stretch of the imagination, so maybe it really will happen today or tomorrow, which would be CD13 or 14, imagine that! I've now charted 16 cycles, had one CD15 O, one on CD16, and all the rest have been CD20+. (Ranging from CD20-CD44).

Fun times!

The mess in my head. Bullet style. Maybe. with paragraphs too.

2010-08-23T22:18:00.005-05:00

I have way way way too much going on in my head right now.

* CD2 today. boo. At least it was a 14 day LP though, thanks to progesterone.

* Ant turns four next Monday. Bday party planned for Saturday. Must bake cake, make frosting, decorate cake all of which usually keep me up until the wee hours, three nights in a row. Plus figure out what food we will serve, do we want to borrow a pool, what games should I plan?

* I don't know if I've mentioned it on here, but we're building a new house. It has been a long and painful process which has included a falling out with our architect, major structural issues thanks to said architect which necessitated replacing the main carrying beam with a steel beam and a huge delay because of that. Now at the final strech but that means picking everything from sinks to lights to tile and colors. I am slowly making headway, but it's SO hard to try and coordinate everything. I spend at least two hours every night working on it, which means REALLY late bedtimes. And then I can't get to sleep because of thinking about all this.

* I've worked an extra 8 hours a week (that's 50% more than usual) over the last couple of weeks because a bunch of stuff I've been working on all of a sudden is going to be presented to the FDA.

* Been trying to be a little more proactive in the friends arena (honestly most of the time I'm okay with being the one to initiate things, it's just when I'm sad about something else it all comes crashing down on me), thanks to your comments and Mara's directive to MWF seeks BFF. Left my phone number for a neighbor I really like, and we've chatted on the phone a few times although not actually managed to make plans due to end of summer craziness. and have a playdate with one of Ant's school friends on Weds, AND they're coming to his party on Sat (cue nerves... am I going to measure up? is the party?)

* I would really love to have a little girl to complement my two boys. The chinese gender chart has been right for all three pg so far... I have hamsters going around and around in my head on this issue - do I wait until my next 'girl month' or not? Until CD1 I was pretty sure I was going to wait, now not so much... hamsters!

In need of a hug.

2010-07-24T23:03:00.002-05:00

I've been feeling really sad and lonely these past few days. I have a fair number of "friends" IRL, but I feel like I'm the only one who tries in our relationships, most of them never call unless it in response to a message I've left, and it really makes me wonder if there's something about me that turns people off. I have such a hard time making friends because I'm naturally an introvert and mostly don't even strike up conversation with anyone even if I think I might like to, so I only have a few friends that I've collected at each stage of my life. And everyone just seems so wrapped up in their own lives right now - I know I am, but I still make time to call people, especially when I know there's something going on with them.

A few of my friends called post D&C, but nothing for a few weeks now. I just found out that Schweffel was in fact Schweffelette, a chromosomally normal female. I knew that was a possibility, the normal part, but it leaves so many more question marks than if the result was some kind of abnormality. I doubt it was the fact that I wasn't taking progesterone as that's right around the time the placental progesterone is supposed to take over, but it's definitely a what if. (That I'm going to avoid in the future by taking progesterone for sure. I honestly didn't think I'd get pregnant with a barely 10-day LP without it.)

Getting back to the friends thing, I've even tried to perhaps make some new friends by inviting some of Antony's classmates/parents over for playdates - the other mothers haven't even reciprocated the invitation, let alone become friends. Like I said, I really wonder what it is that I'm doing wrong.

Have you made any good (girl)friends in your adult life? How did you meet them? How did you end up being friends instead of just acquaintances?

ha ha ha. Implantation spotting.

2010-07-19T13:52:00.003-05:00

Yeah, not so much. CB is here in full force today. At least it's a 7-day LP instead of 6, that makes me feel better somehow.

And the Crimson Bitch rides???

2010-07-18T20:46:00.005-05:00

My temps have been a little wonky since the day I may have O'ed. I was all stoked the first two days after, as my temps were nice and high, 97.9 and 98. Third day, though, back down to the basement at 97.4. Gah. So no confirmation of anything from FF. Which of course is the only thing that makes an ovulation real, right?

I plugged in some fake temps, and if I got two MORE days of high temps, after the first FF would give me a "you may have O'ed sometime between CD27 and 32", and confirm it at CD28 if I got a second one.

I often do that and almost always seem to get something different in reality. My temps do like to mess with me! This time, though, I did actually get another 98, and then 97.9, so that counted, yay! It's nice to know that at least I know my body after all this.

Friday night I spent lying in bed thinking about how nice it would be to have a progesterone pee stick to confirm ovulation, instead of all this temping bizness. Why has no-one invented one? I figure it would have a reasonable market, at least among IF patients? I spent much time thinking about what I'd need to research (number one being is progesterone detectable in urine (answer - yes)!), how I could find lab space if it was something I wanted to move forward with, that kind of thing. What do you think, would you have / would you be interested in purchasing something like that?

Saturday my temp was down a bit to 97.7, then today 97.5, and spotting started this morning. I thought it would have turned into CB by now, but still just spotting. Brownish mucousy gunk, lovely! At the first spot of pink on the tp, I thought, "implantation spotting"? Although I've never had that before so it's unlikely. But the rest of the gunk really does seem to herald CB. If she holds off until tomorrow at least that would be a 7-day LP instead of just 6. I was so hoping that as my LP was pretty consistently 10 days before my loss it would be so again, but, sigh, not to be.

I'm definitely using progesterone next cycle, I'm tired of all the what-ifs.

I MUST be imagining things.

2010-07-12T10:46:00.005-05:00

I noticed a very small amount of EWCM last Wednesday, but just chalked it up to random post-D&C spewage. But I figured now that I had really stopped bleeding I might as well start temping and paying attention to things again, given I had the green light to start trying again. So I took my temp the next morning. Started checking my cervical position on Saturday, low, as I had expected.

BUT, yesterday I had a ton of EWCM, and my CP last night was way high. And then my temp was up to 97.9 this morning, which is well in the range of my usual post-O temps.

I'll have to temp for a few more days to confirm anything, and I'm trying very very hard not to get in the least bit hopeful (this is much quicker than my usual O's, normally I get 3-4 days of consistent EWCM, for one thing), and bms was not very well timed if in fact I did O, plus I'm expecting to be back to short LPs...

But if I did in fact O, HOLY SHIT!! I was so not expecting this for at least another few weeks given that I usually don't O until the CD20's.

So I think this must all just be wishful thinking!

More update

2010-07-09T21:31:00.003-05:00

I had my followup apt yesterday, it was all of about 10 minutes, all we did was chat. Doc asked if my bleeding had stopped, which it had as of the day before. All of a sudden, gone.

She apologized again that I had to come in for a second D&C, which was a nice segue into the comments I wanted to make. I mentioned that I A) didn't understand why they didn't use u/s the first time - her answer was that there isn't one available on the day surgery floor vs. the second time I had it done in the L&D OR, B) why none of the OBs stopped by to see me after either procedure. The second was particularly galling, as umpteen hundred people introduced themselves to me beforehand, anesthesiologists (who did stop by), interns, fellows, residents, attending... not ONE of them came to see me afterwards.

She said she'd take that feedback to them, as well as for herself, which is all I could really ask for.

I also asked if there was any medical reason not to ttc right away, and she very honestly said, "no". She said it's basically so they have an easier time dating the pg. She said that she wouldn't necessarily recommend TI, but also wouldn't tell us to use any kind of protection. So it was nice to have my Pubmed research backed up.

Genetic testing results will probably take another 2 weeks or so, as they actually have to grow the cells from the fetus. I had thought they could just extract the DNA, but apparently they don't get enough that way so they have to culture the cells first. She sounded a little iffy about whether that could happen or not, probably because it was so long between Schweffels' demise and when they got the tissue out is my guess.

Oh, and I chickened out on asking for a beta. My pg test this morning was totally negative (yesterday was a shadow of a line, it's been getting lighter every day which I think is a good thing), so it's probably < 10 at this point.

Finally, doc asked if I'd like to come in for an early scan 'next time'. I actually declined - given that Schweffel was measuring 8w6d when I was 9w3d I believe his heart had only stopped recently - so I don't see that an early scan would give me any peace of mind at all, and I think would make another loss that much harder to bear, having seen earlier that everything was okay.

13 weeks.

2010-07-05T21:31:00.002-05:00

I would have been 13 weeks tomorrow. Which means that everyone who is due around when I was is now announcing their pregnancies. I absolutely do not begrudge a single one of them. But I'm finding it a lot harder than I thought I would to say "congratulations". I want to say that I was supposed to have a baby then too. But then I don't know if that's raining on their parade and I should just say congrats and be done with it.

In many ways I'm sadder now than I was when we first found out. Then we had to deal with the logistics. Now I'm just waiting. And thinking.

Update (too tired to think of anything better)

2010-07-03T22:19:00.002-05:00

My internet cheapies finally arrived, of course I couldn't WAIT to marry stick with pee. I don't know why I was so excited, really no result is a good one. But nonetheless, I hopped up on that cup as soon as I could manage. I was surprised that I didn't see a hint of a second line as the stick got wet, so I left it for a couple of minutes while I dealt with dinner. Came back and there was the faintest of faint second lines, definitely of the million suns variety. So my beta is probably in the neighborhood of 20-ish, as that's the sensitivity of the test. so that's not too bad. I'll be interested to see how long it takes to become undetecable. I'll probably test every day since I now have 25 tests, and who doesn't like a good morning pee-on-a-stick?

In other news, as my hormones have normalized, my tummy has gone down a bit, and I've lost most of the weight I had gained, so I'm feeling much better about myself. Still have the zits, but that's an ongoing problem (which it turns out maybe be caused by all the skim milk I drink). So all in all feeling a little better.

One thing that has really been bugging me is in regards to a woman who I had thought of as a friend. She is DH's best friend's wife. DH told his friend both about the pregnancy and when we lost Schweffel. I was a bit sad when she didn't call me at the good news, but whatever. But when she didn't call after the bad, I realized that in fact she is not my friend after all. Which sucks. I saw her today at an Eclipse trip organized by another mutual friend. She did apologize for not calling, but said, "I meant to call. But life got in the way". Seriously???? You couldn't fucking find five minutes to pick up the phone and see how I was doing? Never mind that when she was going through IF, and had an early m/c I was calling her ALL the time. With TWO kids AND working part time, where she's a SAHM with ONE. Give me a fucking break.

can I get some cheese with that whine?

2010-06-27T20:48:00.002-05:00

I got a call from my doc on Thursday, saying that the pathology report was back and this time they did find fetal tissue. So that at least is good (seems like genetic analysis will happen after all). And I had a little bleeding on Monday but not much, but it picked up again on Wednesday and seemed kinda like period bleeding, so I'm thinking that's a good sign too. She said based on that, no more betas... but I ordered some internet cheapies so that I can see if in fact it does get back to undetectable at some point. Theoretically a dose of 10,000 units of hcg is out of your system in 7-10 days, so I'm thinking that my beta should be undectable probably in around 11-12, although it does seem that there are some tissue reserves that are left behind so that it can take a bit longer.

Emotionally I'm doing alright. despite the fact that I feel okay most of the time, I have a really hard time telling anyone who doesn't know already. And I also am feeling really crappy in general because I totally still look like I'm pg (I have an abdominal muscle separation from Ant and Timmy, so I pop really early) - I have never had a small waist, but it already had gone from 29.5 to 32 inches... and so now none of my clothes fit and I just feel gross. It's very different when you can rationalize it because you have a baby in there versus just looking fat. And I know that probably no-one notices but me (although I few coworkers I told about my loss told me they were beginning to wonder, so it's really not just me but I try and make myself feel better by telling myself that it is). And on top of that my skin is being really crappy now, so in general I'm just feeling really really unattractive, again not that anyone really cares, but it's just one more thing to add to the pile of crap, you know? It sucks. Also because not only had I already gained a couple of pounds while pg, but a few more since that (I am not one to quit eating when I'm sad about something, unfortunately). And of course, I'm worried that it's going to take me forever to start cycling again. Also, stupid, I know, but I can't help it. Sigh.

sorry to be so whiny about such miniscule things, but that's where I'm at right now.

D&C part deux.

2010-06-21T21:53:00.003-05:00

Today was harder for me that last week. I went to the L&D floor in the hospital (which is where I spent yesterday afternoon) instead of the day surgery unit. Fortunately I didn't see anyone in labor, but still, being there was just a little bitter.

It was a little more private and quiet, which was nice. Last week we got to listen to a teenage boy and his anesthesiologist arguing about which form of anesthesia was best.

My right arm is still bruised from last week's IV, so I asked the nurse to put it into my left. She did not do a great job, it was probably the most painful needle stick I've ever had (and I have had a LOT, as has anyone who's gone through IF treatments). And I have *huge* veins, seriously 1/4 inch in diameter if not slightly more. So really, how tough can it be? Anyway, the pain, although it really wasn't that bad, just got to me. I found myself thinking, "I really do not want to be here again". And I just couldn't stop myself from crying. At first it was just a few tears slipping out, and I asked the nurse if she could go and get DH, by the time he came in I was full out bawling. And of course that was right when the nurses were switching over so both of them were in the room too. Very sympathetic, but sometimes you just want to cry in private.

I managed to pull myself together eventually, and then the parade of doctors started. I met interns, more nurses, residents, the anesthesia resident and attending, the OB attending and fellow - Mark was calling it the DisneyWorld approach, where every few minutes they have someone else come in to break the tedium and make you feel like you're getting somewhere, just like the videos and things to look at when you're in line in DW. I thought it was quite an apt comparison!

We did make sure to ask what they were going to do to make absolutely sure they would get everything. They were all quite apologetic that it didn't work the first time, and said they'd be using ultrasound to guide them. Mark did ask about a hysteroscopy as that was what finally got everything cleared out for a friend who also had multiple D&C's, but they said there was too much tissue and would be bleeding so an internal camera wouldn't actually be that helpful. Made sense.

They let me walk back to the OR, although I couldn't get up onto the table until the brought over a stool, it was so high! At that point they started the IV meds, and once again, next thing I knew I was coming back into the room to meet M. Once again, none of the OBs who actually did the procedure stopped by to see me (that annoyed me last time too and I will definitely be speaking to MY OB about it when I see her next), but she did at least stop by and see Mark. She told him they were cleaning me up, and that my uterus was much more upright than normal, which made for quite a difficult procedure, and explained why they didn't get everything the last time. I suppose some explanation is better than none.

I really really really do not want to do this a third time, so I hope that they really did get everything.

Nico = 0, Doctors = 14,500.

2010-06-20T20:39:00.002-05:00

My beta today was 14,500. So much for my pretty little graph.

I was lucky in that I hardly had to wait at all for the ultrasound, they had told me it could be as long as a couple of hours. It felt weird to be wheeled down to u/s on a gurney when I'm perfectly capable of walking, but whatever.

The u/s tech started by looking at my kidneys, then bladder, then went to my uterus. I could see a little bit of what was going on on the screen, and it totally looked to me like there was still something in there. I asked, and she agreed (even though I guess they're not supposed to give you "results".) She then went to the vaginal u/s, but had the screen so I couldn't see anything. I guess probably because it might be somewhat disturbing. We chatted quite a bit about all kinds of things, and in the course of that, she mentioned that it basically looked like they D&C had done absolutely nothing. Lovely.

She went out after that to talk to the doc or one of her colleagues, and I sat up and took a peek at the screen. The first few pictures looked like a perfectly formed fetus to me, all curled up in 'fetal' position and everything. And yes, it was disturbing. Of course I couldn't resist taking another look just to make myself feel worse, and then realized, duh, that it was actually the kidney pictures I was looking at. They really did look remarkably like an embryo! The vaginal u/s pictures were actually on pages 2/3 of the pics, and I didn't want to get into trouble for scrolling to those. So I just satisfied myself with her interpretation.

went back to L&D after that to talk about what next. They scheduled me for another D&C and gave me a prescription for misoprostol as well because I wasn't sure if I wanted to give that a shot, since obviously the D&C didn't work. After talking to a few people on my ride home, including a friend who had both a natural m/c after one pg, tried the misprostol which didn't work and ended up with a D&C after another, and recalling JV's comments about her natural m/c, I did decide to try the D&C again. I will make sure not to leave the hospital until they have shown me an ultrasound picture of my uterus with nothing in it! I know that's not a guarantee, but it will certainly be better than the last attempt.

Maybe that's why I felt absolutely no side effects from that!

In which I know more than the doctors?

2010-06-19T16:16:00.003-05:00

Spoke to the on-call OB doc this morning. He said that my beta was 19,000, which he was saying was really high compared with my previous numbers of ~300 and ~600. So they want me to come in for an u/s before Monday. I reminded him that, um, the 300 and 600 were for my previous pregnancies, at 14 and 15dpo repectively, so not really a good baseline to use. dumbass.

Anyway, because they didn't take a beta at all this pg, and he seems to think 19K is high (although Dr. Google says the range for 9-12 weeks is 25,500 to 288,000 so 19,000 doesn't seem so high to me for only 4 days past D&C. I've seen estimates from 12-36 hours for the half-life of hcg), and he said that it is quite unusual not to get any 'products' from a D&C at this stage, he seemed to fall quite firmly in the 'they did not get everything' camp.

I dunno. I just found an article that looked at hcg levels post misoprostol/mifepristone termination, with a nice pretty graph and it seems to me my numbers are right in line with the average there. I wouldn't think there would be a big difference in hcg decline post medical vs. surgical termination.

Anyhoo, more b/w and an u/s tomorrow. I think I should be happy that they're being proactive, but it seems a bit like premature proactivity to me. Guess we'll find out.

Aftermath

2010-06-18T19:22:00.004-05:00

I really was doing okay most of this week. Physically I still felt absolutely fine (although mildly nauseous Wednesday night and I went to bed at 8pm which never happens). Emotionally I did feel a bit numb, except when I told a friend at work whom I had told about the pg the week before. I was bawling in her office. Which in a way made me feel better as I hadn't cried at all since leaving the doctor's office on Friday. It's fairly easy to tell people via the sterile medium of the internet, but actually saying it out loud was hard. Really hard.

Then my doctor's office called today to say that the pathology report had come back, and they were unable to identify any "products of conception". The docs had spoken to the OB who did the D&C and she was surprised as she was sure they had gotten everything. And they're not overly concerned about retained 'products' as I'm feeling totally normal. But, they wanted me to come in for a beta, and probably a few more over the next few weeks, to make sure that it is decreasing appropriately.

Honestly, I have almost found this news harder to take than even the initial shock of seeing that Schweffel had no heartbeat. I know so many people who have had miscarriages, from chemicals to well into the second trimester that it was not a shock to me. I wasn't expecting the baby to be dead, but I wasn't NOT expecting it either. So yeah, it sucked, but in a way I had prepared myself for it. This, though, hadn't even crossed my mind. No genetic testing, no finding out the baby's gender (did my following the chinese calendar for the girl I would love to have work?), no nothing.

I had imagined myself getting a sense of closure from the results. Now I have no evidence whatsoever that there was a baby inside me. Two positive pregnancy tests which I threw out because they were getting nasty looking (I did at least take a picture), and one ultrasound that I didn't even get a picture from. I DID see a baby there, I DID. But there's nothing left, not even a few chromosomes. Oh yeah and I have a lovely beer gut too. I had convinced myself that it was getting smaller but really that was just wishful thinking.

I'm trying really hard to avoid thinking about worst case scenarios (and based on things some of my friends have gone through like two rounds of misoprostol followed by three D&C's, I can come up with some doozies.) It's hard to be optimistic though. I guess that's what this news has taken away from me. I was lucky enough to get pregnant on our first cycle trying this time. So I was imagining that I would be pregnant again in the near enough future. Now I can't even think about that because I feel like there are too many hurdles to overcome. I know I'm being a little melodramatic but I really do feel like I've been punched in the gut after just having had surgery.

Surreality

2010-06-14T16:33:00.003-05:00

D&C is done. And I feel the same as I did before. No cramping, no pain, really nothing to tell my mind that it's over. There is a little blood, I suppose that's something, but I still just can't wrap my mind around it. I haven't even really cried about it today.

I was planning on writing one of my usual rundowns of exactly what happened, but there really isn't much to tell. They stuck an IV in me in pre-op (we were amazed how many people were there at 6 in the morning!), asked me a bunch of questions about allergies, previous medical history, etc., discussed the anesthesia plans with me (MAC - monitor and something I forget now), and then wheeled me into the OR. We were talking about playing ice hockey and skating, and that's the last thing I remember until I woke up as they were wheeling me into recovery. I just felt like I'd had a nice nap. And that was it. I had to drink something, pee, and then could go home.

I made DH stop at TJ's on the way home to get some cinnamon buns for lunch.

More details on Schweffel's demise.

2010-06-12T20:35:00.003-05:00

When I went into the ultrasound room the tech first looked at my uterus, and I saw flashes of something inside there, then checked my ovaries (I was thinking that the pic was so much less clear than when we were going through treatments, but realize now that's because this was an abdominal u/s).

She then moved on to the baby. I didn't notice at the time that there was no movement. What I did see was no heartbeat. She switched on the view where you can see blood flow, and I didn't realize at the time that there was no blood flow in schweffel either. Mine around the uterus was there, but nothing going inside. She did a few measurements of the crown-rump length, and I noticed that the calculation said 8w6d... then said she had to go and get the doctor.

I choked up a little and said, "I didn't see a heartbeat, did you?". She responded, "No, I'm sorry". Handed me a box of tissues, and said I should wait there a few minutes while she got the doctor. I started to text DH but then thought, what am I thinking, and just called him. It was so hard to tell him, definite waterworks. He asked if he should come in, I said I didn't know, and he said he was on his way. Such a sweetheart.

The doc came in and mentioned that I had asked the u/s tech about the h/b. I told him this was my third pregnancy so I knew what I was looking for. Poor guy, he tried so hard to be diplomatic in asking me what happened in the other two pg. He was really sensitive about it, I have heard stories from my friends about much more callous doctors and nurses, but they were both great. as can be in that situation I suppose. He did confirm no heartbeat, and that the dating was not too far off where I was supposed to be, so Schweffel probably died within the last week or so.

Which is interesting because I finally started feeling queasy through most of the day middle of last week, but that disappeared again earlier this week. Timing was probably not coincidental.

I met with my doc after that, and she talked to me about the options - waiting for a natural miscarriage, taking drugs to induce one, or a D&C. I told her I was pretty sure I was leaning towards a D&C, we were in the midst of talking about that when DH arrived. I asked if we could have a few minutes, she very quickly got up and said, "Of course!".

I needed that hug.

We talked about the options for a few minutes, then told the doc we were ready to talk to her again. She went through the D&C procedure, that we'd been scheduled for 8am Monday morning which means we have to be there at 6, and then I had to sign some consent forms, including one for either taking charge of the remains for a funeral (or I guess whatever else we wanted to do) or having the hospital dispose of them. Mark said no funeral, so we signed for hospital disposal. I think all the options stink actually. Even with a natural miscarriage, I guess the baby would just be flushed down the toilet which doesn't seem like a great ending either. I may change my mind on this I'm not sure yet.

I guess that's about it for now. I've been doing a bit of research on what to expect with the D&C. I did have one after Timmy was born because I was continuing to bleed and they wanted to make sure there wasn't any retained placenta, so I know the basics, although that was different because I was awake with a spinal block, whereas this time they're going to use IV meds for anesthesia and I think I won't remember it? I do remember thinking during that procedure how nasty it was to hear the vacuum and how awful it would be to hear that and know they were vacuuming your baby out. I guess they do it a bit differently, or I'm about to find out.

C'est fini.

2010-06-11T21:01:00.003-05:00

I had my first OB appointment today. It was originally scheduled for 6w6d, but when I found out they wouldn't be doing an u/s I rescheduled for today, 9w3d, when hopefully I'd be able to hear the h/b with the doppler.

Only they couldn't find it. And then they did an u/s and there was no h/b there either.

So now I'm scheduled for a D&C on Monday.

Schweffel was measuring 8w6d, so it seems like it happened recently.

And now, I'm sitting here typing this and eating raw salami. I don't know what it says about me that that's the first 'forbidden' thing I'm doing. Not wine, but salami.

LP news

2010-05-03T13:31:00.005-05:00

Um, so yeah. Apparently a 10-day LP IS enough to support a pregnancy. I got a + test yesterday at 12dpo :D

CB still hadn't arrived by the afternoon of 11dpo which is when I was expecting her. And then it got to be night, and still nothing. The following morning, my temp was still up, no sign of anything remotely red, and I had to pee like a horse, so I pulled out a test.

OF COURSE I couldn't get the stupid test open, there was no notch anywhere, I tried my teeth on one end, then the other, fingers a few more times and finally almost peeing my pants got it open using my teeth in the middle.

Relief! Watched the test as the urine went up the window, and could see something there right away. Shock! It was a definite second line, albeit quite faint. So. There we have it. Crossing fingers that all goes well from here.

More and more cycles.

2010-04-23T21:44:00.000-05:00

I decided back after my last cycles post that it really didn't make sense for us to be ttc just then; we're building a new house, and being pregnant while doing that didn't make a whole lot of sense (which turned out to be a good thing because had it happened relatively quickly, the house has NOT, and would have made things, um, interesting).

In the meantime, I've been tracking my cycles. It's interesting to me, while they generally tend to be around the normal 27-28 days, I O a few days late and then have a short LP. Here's the list so far:

Cycle # CD of O LP length
1 37 6
2 22 6
3 23 7
4 21 9
5 21 9
6 15 9
7 20 10
8 17 10
9 18 10?

(The last is a ? because it hasn't happened yet. And maybe it won't...)

It's nice that my LP has been getting marginally longer each month, usually about 6-12 hours per month. And yes, I have been somewhat obsessive about all this tracking!

Exercise and Fertility

2009-11-21T07:57:00.001-05:00

Very interesting article from the Norwegian University of Science and Technology: Original article is at http://www.ntnu.no/news/hard-workouts-reduced-fertility, I copied the text below as I don't know how long the article will be up for.

Hard workouts -- reduced fertility
New research from the Norwegian University of Science and Technology (NTNU) shows that the body may not have enough energy to support both hard workouts and getting pregnant.

NTNU Info/Rune Petter Ness

Are you a female athlete – or just someone who likes challenging workouts -- who also wants to get pregnant? It may make sense to ease off a bit as you try, according to new research from NTNU.

Roughly seven per cent of all Norwegian women are believed to have infertility problems, which means that they are unable to become pregnant during the first year of trying - even if they might later become pregnant.

Infertility can have many causes, both medical and lifestyle-related. Known risk factors include smoking, stress, and alcohol. Being extremely under- or overweight can also play a role.

It is known, however, that elite sports women have more fertility problems than other women. But does extreme physical activity play a role in fertility among other women as well? NTNU researchers examined precisely this question in a study involving nearly 3,000 women. They found that overly frequent and hard physical exercise appears to reduce a young woman's fertility. But the decrease in fertility probably lasts only as long as the hard training.

Two vulnerable groups
The study was based on material from the Health Survey of Nord-Trøndelag from 1984-1986 and from a follow-up survey in 1995-1997. All of the women who participated were healthy and of childbearing age, and none had a history of fertility problems.

In the first survey, women responded to questions about the frequency, duration and intensity of their physical activity - and ten years later were asked questions about pregnancy and childbirth. The NTNU researchers also recorded other information that could have significance for the study.

“Among all these women, we found two groups who experienced an increased risk of infertility,” says Sigridur Lara Gudmundsdottir, a PhD candidate in NTNU's Human Movement Science Programme. “There were those who trained almost every day. And there were those who trained until they were completely exhausted. Those who did both had the highest risk of infertility.”

Age an important factor
If the women also were under 30 years old in the first study, the relationship became even more evident in both groups. Among those who reported training to exhaustion (regardless of frequency and duration), 24 per cent had fertility problems. In the group that had trained almost every day (regardless of the intensity and duration), 11 per cent reported the same.

Even when the data were adjusted for other possible contributing factors (such as body mass index, smoking, age, marital status and previous pregnancies), the researchers found that women who trained every day had a 3.5 times greater risk of impaired fertility as women who did not train at all.

“And when we compared those who trained to exhaustion to those who trained more moderately, we found that the first group had a three-fold greater risk of impaired fertility,” says Gudmundsdottir.

In women who reported moderate or low activity levels, researchers found no evidence of impaired fertility.

A transient effect
But the negative effects of hard training do not appear to be permanent, the researcher says.

“The vast majority of women in the study had children in the end. And those who trained the hardest in the middle of the 1980s were actually among those who had the most children in the 1990s,” she adds.

There may be various explanations for why the women who first were least fertile ended up with the most children. “We do not know if they changed their activity level during the period between the two surveys. Or if they just had trouble getting pregnant the first time, but afterwards had a hormonal profile that made it easier to get pregnant again,” Gudmundsdottir said.

Too demanding?
Scientists have a theory that high levels of physical activity are so energy intensive that the body actually experiences short periods of energy deficiency, where there simply is not enough energy to maintain all the necessary hormonal mechanisms that enable fertilization.

On the other hand, previous research shows that moderate physical activity gives women better insulin function and an improved hormonal profile - and thus better conditions for fertility - than total inactivity, particularly in overweight people.

Forget the easy chair
But Gudmundsdottir says that women who want to become pregnant shouldn’t give up all physical activity.

“We believe it is likely that physical activity at a very high or very low level has a negative effect on fertility, while moderate activity is beneficial,” she says.

But as far as identifying how much is “just right”, the researcher is careful. “An individual’s energy metabolism is a very important factor in this context. The threshold can be very individual,” Gudmundsdottir says.

She also recommends that physically active women be particularly aware of their menstrual cycles. “A long cycle or no menstruation at all is danger signals,” she says.

Cycles

2009-10-16T22:45:00.003-05:00

I've been cycling reasonably regularly since that first post-Timmy O, if it's possible to say that after three cycles. The next cycle I O'ed on CD44, after *nine* days in a row of EWCM. I did start temping because I had a couple of days of EW at CD17-18, then at about CD23 I wanted to know if I had O'ed yet... and down the slippery slope I went. My temps then were higher than my pre-O temps had been before Timmy, although not quite as high as my post-O, so I had to keep doing it to make sure, right? So I O'ed CD44, and my EWCM dried up that day. Which made me re-evalute my O date from the cycle I mentioned below, I think it was a couple of days later resulting in a four day LP. My CD44 cycle my LP was six days - heading in the right direction!

We've been debating on whether to try and have a third baby for a long time, and after much angst (mostly on my part - I really really would like another baby, but practically it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I decided that I've been practical all my life and this is one choice I really don't want to regret), have decided to go for it. So... the next cycle was the first that we actually 'tried'. I O'ed CD22 (yay!), but still only had a six day LP (boo!). I have to wonder if my body will ever have a normal LP. We're probably not going to find out for a while though, as I'm going to call my RE and get back on progesterone again after I O the next time.

Commencement

2009-07-28T19:23:00.004-05:00

I don't post here much anymore, but I figure I'll keep updating with HA related stuff, as well as things related to my cycle so I remember them. I do come back to this blog quite frequently when I'm wondering about what happened when, or details about things that are no longer easily accessible to my poor addled brain, it's great to have as a reference.

So... I think I'm about to O again! I'm super excited about it, as I'm still BFing Timmy 2x/day (at 10.5 months old). I also weigh about six pounds less than I did when Timmy was conceived, so I was a little worried that my HA would be back again. (Although I'm not exercising nearly as much now, I'm lucky if it's 3x/week, so I've been hoping that would mitigate the weight loss).

Anyway, I've had a day of EWCM every two weeks since April, which suggested to me that things were slowly revving up. The first time freaked me out a bit as DH and I had been less than careful just a few days before, but it was just a random day (with a BFN a couple of weeks later). So I had it 7/2, 7/16, then every day since 7/24. And in copious amounts, more than I've ever had before! I'm not doing OPKs or temping or anything like that, I figure I'll have a good sense of when I might have O'ed based on drying up, and then I'll find out in somewhere from 5-15 days for sure if the good old CB (crimson bitch aka AF for any new readers) arrives. Fingers crossed!

Update: CB arrived on 8/3. So, I definitely O'ed! I would guess it was Monday night, 7/27, as I had some cramping that night, EWCM the following morning but nothing after that. So that's probably a 6-ish day LP. Not too bad... although I would have thought it would be longer than that based on all the egg-white. eh. now hopefully on to the next cycle!

Hypothalamic Amenorrhea Recovery / Treatment Summary

2009-06-16T20:16:00.003-05:00

I have been posting on the hypothalamic amenorrhea (HA) bulletin board over at fertilethoughts forums for almost three years now - I wished when I was diagnosed and starting treatment that there was someone who had already been there that I could talk to about what I was going through. It makes me warm and fuzzy inside to be able to provide that input and insight to others who are going through the same things now.

Over those three years, I've learned a lot, and also collected some pretty interesting stats that I thought I would share here for anyone who finds this blog searching for info on HA.

There seem to be two different flavors of HA, both with the same manifestations. The first variety comes in women who are normal to low weight, and undereat / overexercise to a BMI anywhere from 21 on down. The second happens in women who were overweight to begin with, then lost a significant amount of weight; in some cases going to low BMIs as well, but occasionally just to a 'normal' BMI of 23-25.

In the first case, gaining weight and cutting exercise seem, without fail, to restore natural cycles. This is despite what many doctors have told women on the board, "You could gain 50lbs and still not start cycling again." This is NOT TRUE. I'm finally starting to see posts from some women who say that their doctors won't treat them until they've gained some weight. The thing is, not only does gaining weight and cutting exercise help with complete recovery from HA, it also helps with treatment cycles if the natural approach isn't fitting in with timelines. There have been a number of women on the board who have either tried Clomid with no success, or injectibles with cancelled cycles for overstimulation, and even multiple failed IVFs. After weight gain, Clomid works in *many* cases despite the traditional wisdom in the literature that it won't work for HA because of the low estrogen. Injectible cycles go significantly better after weight gain. And IVF cycles seem to be much more successful as well. Also, the weight gain that comes with pregnancy is mentally much easier when some of the disordered eating / exercise / body image issues have been conquered prior to pregnancy.

In this first type of HA, what happens is that as the body goes into a semi starvation mode with a constant energy deficit due to the undereating/overexercising, leptin levels decrease (see Welt CK et al. for the full article). This then leads to decreases in the levels and pulsatile frequency of LH, and estradiol, and the natural hormonal cycle stops. Increases in eating, particularly in carbohydrates and fats (good and bad) restore the natural leptin levels within a reasonable amount of time - usually 6 months to a year after making wholehearted changes (in many cases cycles are restored even more quickly than that; the quicker the weight is gained, the more quickly the cycles return).

In the second type of HA, in women who were overweight and then lost a significant amount, it seems take much longer for cycles to return. I believe this is because in people who are overweight, leptin receptors become desensitized, and not as responsive to the leptin signals. When the weight loss occurs, leptin levels decrease, just as in the first variety. But when eating is resumed / overexercising moderated, the increase in leptin levels is not registered as quickly by the body because the leptin receptors are not as responsive. This is my own theory, but it's the only thing I've been able to come up with to explain why women who were overweight seem to have a less tractable form of HA.

So the upshot is, if you have HA having been normal weight / thin most of your life, you can restore your cycles reasonably easily by gaining weight to a BMI of around 23. For most women that has done the trick; many have resumed cycling at a lower BMI than that. It takes committment, it takes handling feeling "fat" (although as a whole we tend to have quite skewed body images - many of our significant others and friends comment on how much better we look after gaining weight - and they do mean it!), buying new clothes in larger sizes really helps. If you have HA and were overweight before losing / exercising, weight gain will still help with treatment, but it will likely take longer before your cycles will return naturally.

If you want to be pregnant NOW (and who doesn't after deciding it's time?), weight gain can still really help. As you can see by checking the stats below, Clomid DOES work in many women with HA after weight gain. Sometimes even without a positive response to Provera. If you have HA, and don't have insurance that covers injectibles, I think you should absolutely 100% give Clomid a try before putting down the cash for an injectibles cycle. If your OB or RE will go for it, the extended Clomid protocol seems to have great results; if not, even a standard Clomid protocol will often work.

Starting in October 2007 I kept track of (just about) all the women who posted on the HA board, how they got their BFP's (which almost everyone has, still working on some of the recent joiners) and other random information.

So far, there have been 82 BFP's in total. Unfortunately, 14 (17%) of those have resulted in miscarriage, which is fairly close to the rate that is normally quoted for miscarriage. Of those 82 pregnancies, the breakdown by method of conception is as follows:

Natural: 31 (38%)
Clomid (including extended protocol): 22 (27%)
Injectibles: 20 (24%)
IVF: 5 (6%)

Also, these stats do include some women second pregnancies after recover from HA. By and large, if weight loss post partum is moderated and the patterns of undereating/overexercising are not resumed, natural cycles are restored after weaning (it is extremely rare for a former sufferer of HA to resume cycles while nursing). Most of the subsequent pregnancies are falling into the natural category.

As you can see, this totally belies both the assertion of medical professionals that you can gain an infinite amount of weight and still not cycle again, as well as the idea that Clomid will not work. In fact, 70% of the pregnancies achieved (after 10/2007) on the HA board have been through one of those two methods. And I am firmly convinced that many of the women who did use injectibles or IVF could have gotten pregnant either naturally or with Clomid had timetables been different.

As this is my summary of all I've learned about HA over the past three plus years, a few other things that seem to come up frequently:

* As our cycles return, they tend to be quite a bit longer than normal cycles, with ovulation in the CD40's (or higher) for the first cycle not uncommon. As weight gain is maintained, cycles get shorter. This isn't a surprise, as it takes a while for the body to respond to the restored hormonal levels.
* A BFP on a late ovulation is not a problem at all, despite what you may read online. The thing is, that the follicle is not sitting around with a mature egg in it; once the follicular recruitment really takes off, ovulation is actually occurring in a normal timeframe; it just takes longer to get to the follicular recruitment phase.
* Speaking of which, it's not uncommon to go through 2-3 follicular recruitment waves accompanied by changes in cervical fluid / temp prior to actual ovulation occurring, especially as cycles are returning.
* Estradiol is NOT the be-all-end-all as far as HA diagnosis goes. In fact, estradiol levels don't really seem to correlate much with whether natural cycles will return or Clomid will work. For me personally, my e2 when I was not cycling was 32; the two cycles where I got pregnant it was 27 and 34 respectively. It seems that the LH number is much more indicative of HA status - LH below 2 is likely to indicate HA; as recovery continues, that number rises much more reliably than e2 does.
* If Clomid is used, we *still* tend to have longer than normal cycles, often not ovulating until somewhere between CD20-30, so that should be your expectation. Monitoring is a great idea if you can afford it / your doc will do it - there are cases where women have grown good sized follicles but just not been able to muster the LH support to surge properly to ovulate. If you're being monitored and this seems to be the case, a shot of Ovidrel can be given at relatively low expense, to induce ovulation.
* If you want to move on to treatment and have the option of using the GnRH pump or patch, jump on it! They seem to be far the best ways to induce follicle growth without overstimming.
* In injectible cycles, it is extremely easy to overstimulate as our bodies are not used to the hormones that are being injected. First, your injectible should absolutely include LH (so Menopur or Repronex) - the cycles that have been completed on the board with FSH alone (e.g. follistim, bravelle etc.) are generally much less successful. Second, your protocol on your first cycle should be to start with a single vial (75U, or even less) for at least 4-5 days. Increase the dosage after that, preferably by just a half vial at a time. I have seen too many cases where either a higher dosage (common in injectible cycles for non-HA women) or too quick/big jumps in dosage lead to multiple follicles and either cycle cancellation or multiple pregnancy. In most cases we tend to be quite fertile once ovulation is induced, so the goal on the first cycle should be one mature follicle, or at most two. Of those 82 pregnancies, 3 were triplet pregnancies (two from Clomid) and one was a quadruplet; prior to 10/2007 there were two other triplet pregnancies and another quadruplet on the board. *Many* of the women on the board who moved to injectible treatment were successful on the first cycle.
* Injectible cycles following the recommended low/slow protocol DO tend to be quite long, with stimming for two-three weeks not out of the ordinary. There's nothing wrong with this, and no reason for the cycle to be cancelled - you will find a dosage at which you respond, and your follicle(s) will take off from there. Generally once a follicle gets to be 12mm+ / e2 goes over 100, the stimming will just take a few more days until trigger.
* For subsequent cycles, if needed, you should NOT start with the dosage that you finally responded at; that will almost certainly lead to recruitment of too many follicles. Start at least half a vial lower than that for the first 4-5 days, then bump up to the dose you respond to.

If anyone comes across this post and has questions or comments, I'd be happy to respond, feel free to use the comments section.

SO NOT THE POINT!!!

2009-01-15T22:54:00.004-05:00

I posted over on my other blog about how I am having a hard time figuring out how to teach my kids to appreciate the things they have as I did, where things come to them so much more easily than they did to me. One of the things I mention is that I really wanted a Cabbage Patch doll growing up, but never did get one.

My MIL reads the post. And what does she take from it? NOT the point I was TRYING to make about the extravagance of their gifts to the kids:

"...how will they learn about delayed gratification? That they aren't always going to get everything they want (like my cabbage patch)? How will they learn to appreciate what they do have? If Christmas and their birthdays are always extravaganzas of presents (not necessarily from us), how do we teach them to be thankful?""

She shows up on Tuesday with an early birthday present for me. Of said Cabbage Patch kid.

I'm going to be fricking 35, what on earth am I supposed to do with a doll at this stage in my life????? SOOOOOOOOO not the point of my post. Which was apparently completely and totally lost on her. So much for a subtle hint.

The birth of TER.

2008-09-28T18:49:00.003-05:00

Timothy Edward (formerly known as Fwed) was born on 09/18/2008 at 1:48pm, weighing in at 7lb 5oz, and 20 inches long. My BIL was joking about how we talk about babies as if they're fish!

Here's how it all went down:

I first noticed contractions that felt different from the BH I’d had all along in the pg when Ant woke me up at 4am. They were about 3-5 minutes apart, lasting 15-20 sec. After a while when I couldn’t go back to sleep, I got up to finish up some last minute work stuff, and have something to eat. The contractions spaced out quite a bit, to about 10-15 minutes apart, so I figured we were either in for the long haul, or it was false labor. Until I went to the bathroom and there was some bloody mucus on the TP… I got a big smile on my face and thought that we probably would be having the baby that day. More than a week sooner than I had been anticipating (I was 39w6d).

By the time I finished up the work stuff at around 10am, I was having contractions that were 4-5 min apart, but only about 30 sec long. I hopped in the bath for an hour and only had 3-4 more, so in my mind more evidence that we were in for a long day. When I got out, they were 2-3 min apart but only 30 sec or so, so I thought they would space out... they also weren't that uncomfortable, I was just stopping and leaning on something through them, then getting on with what I was doing (which did include a little bit of packing, turned out to be a good thing). I started having to lie down for them at around 12:15 - and then my water broke at 12:20. Called the doctor, and they said, "come in RIGHT now". I still wasn't convinced because although the contractions were coming pretty quickly they were still fairly short, and I wasn't finding the pain unmanageable in the least. But I decided they were probably right.

We ended up leaving the house at 12:48. Got stuck in traffic on Storrow Drive (figures!), at which point Mark asked if he needed to flash his lights etc and try and get through. I said no, but did have him call smartraveller to find out how long we were likely to be stuck for. Fortunately it was just a short jam due to some road work, so we were on our way in about 5 or 6 minutes. We also discussed how we should handle the car – should we both go and park it, should Mark drop me off, or should we leave it out front? I said I didn’t think I could make it from the garage, so either he should drop me off or we should bring the car right out front. By the time we got there Mark decided on the latter based on his assessment of how I was doing. (I had started pushing out more gushes of amniotic fluid just as we were getting through the traffic jam).

We were actually treated as a medical emergency when we did get to the hospital; there were a couple of guys out front who helped me into a wheelchair, and got us an express elevator up to the L&D floor. The receptionist there didn’t seem to have quite the urgency that Mark and I were feeling, she was asking for our insurance info! I told her my contractions were 1-2 min apart, and finally she seemed to get it and got someone to take me into triage. Once I was up on the bed in triage after discarding my amniotic fluid (and meconium – the fluid was definitely greenish) soaked towel, I climbed onto the bed. Almost immediately, I felt my uterus starting to contract from the top and push down – without my doing a thing! I told the nurse that I had to push. A midwife came in, checked me, “yup, fully dilated +2 station” and rushed me to a delivery room. The pushing phase was nothing like what I had imagined, where I would get a break in between pushes to recoup, and wonder at what was happening. Even the pushing contractions were right on top of each other. At one point they had me try and push more slowly, until the baby’s heartrate started dropping, which for me was the best motivation EVER to push as hard as I could and get him out. He did come out, just one or two pushes later, and only 13 minutes after we’d entered the room. Mark said, “It’s a BOY!”. So Timothy Edward had made his appearance.

Because he came out so quickly I had a lot of tearing, so they spent about 3 hours stiching me up and trying to stop the bleeding (all of which was honestly way more painful and uncomfortable than the delivery itself), which was unsuccessful and I ended up in the OR for about 45 minutes at 7pm to finally get everything back together. Turned out I had a second degree perineal tear, labial tears, and a vaginal tear which was what had been oozing and they couldn't find until in the OR.

It’s funny how so few birth experiences seem to go as expected. I got to experience the natural delivery I was hoping / planning for – yet at the same time because it all happened so fast, in some ways I didn’t get to experience it. I had a Nora Jones CD I was planning on listening to while laboring in the hospital, to help me relax through the contractions. That never even made it out of the bag! As I mentioned, there was no time for me to think about, marvel or wonder at what my body was doing during the delivery because the contractions were so incredibly intense. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining – in fact I’m rather in awe of how it all happened. It just happened so differently from what I had imagined, since I started contemplating a natural birth when pregnant with Ant.

Gotta love that uterine irritability!

2008-07-18T18:50:00.000-05:00

I'm going to put up a few posts over here rather than at Phred/Fwed because my in-laws read that blog as it's mostly about the kids - but there are some things they just don't need to know!

*******************

I have been lucky so far this pregnancy not to have experienced the series of contractions that I did starting at 25 weeks in my first pg. I've had plenty of sporadic contractions, to be sure - I noticed them starting at about 12 weeks. But nothing serial, that lying down or drinking wouldn't fix. Until yesterday that is. They started at about 12:45, I actually noticed them while I was standing in line to get lunch. And they continued. And continued. About every five minutes apart. I hadn't had much to drink since the morning, so I swigged about 20oz of water, and lay down on the floor of my office for a bit. Nice to have an office, I must say! They did stop while I was lying down, but started back up again as soon as I got up. I tried lying down again for a longer time, and they disappeared again - as long as I was on the floor. I decided to call my doctor's office after about three hours of this - they had been telling me to call if I had more than four in an hour, and at this point I was running at 10-12/hour. I wasn't overly concerned, as these felt just the same as all the other contractions, and I wasn't feeling any other labor-ish symptoms. I was a little annoyed, though, when it took the nurse an hour to call me back! We discussed a little, she eventually said that I should go home and call again later if they were still continuing. I almost agreed to that, but then figured I that at work I was only 5 minutes away, and I'd rather just go in at that point and get checked out than have to deal with going in later in the evening when it would be much more of a trek. She agreed that it would be reasonable for me to come in, so off I trotted.

When I got to the office, I was again kept waiting quite a bit longer than I would have expected. When they finally took me back they followed standard procedure - pee in a cup, weight, BP, and listen to the baby. I was still having contractions, but they were a little further apart at this point. Funnily enough, I often have one just as I'm lying back on the table and the nurse always comments about how "that's the baby". I don't have the heart to tell her that no, it's actually my uterus (it's doing the same thing this time as last, when I get a contraction it's all bunched up on my right side). Anyway the doc showed up a few minutes later, took a swab and checked my cervix. Long and closed, as I had suspected, but it was nice to have the confirmation. So off home I went.

I have noticed a lot more contractions today, including an almost constant one the whole time I was walking back from lunch. I think I must have just hit the point where my uterus is saying okay it's time to get ready now. Hopefully I'll be able to continue to manage the contractions just by drinking and lying down when needed (I did spend another few minutes on my floor today when I was tired of the effort).

Interestingly, when I was at the gym this morning doing my little weight lifting routine, I didn't notice any contractions at all. Perhaps I need to stop working! ;-)

The end.

2008-01-22T20:09:00.000-05:00

It's time for me to stop posting here. I have officially kicked hypothalamic amenorrhea's butt. Whupped her to the curb. So I feel like without that, there's really not much to post here anymore. I will continue to post over at my other blog, http://phred-fwed-schweffel.blogspot.com, so if you're interested in following our story, come visit over there.

I will still post HA related things here from time to time, as I come across them in my reading/research. But that will be it. I'm also going to migrate some of the older non-HA related posts over to the other blog as well.

Thank you very very much for all the support, advice, and free shoulders you've provided me over the years! You guys are the best!

Hypothalamic Amenorrhea Cure???

2008-01-17T22:25:00.000-05:00

I started this blog over two years ago, hoping to connect with other women with hypothalamic amenorrhea, hoping to get advice when I was going through treatment, and subsequently, to help those who are struggling today.

I have not been keeping up on the research of late. But, when I was looking for information for a woman I met through the hypothalamic amenorrhea bulletin board at fertilethoughts about whether there was any advantage to using Femara (letrozole) over Clomid, I came across an abstract that I think is quite groundbreaking.

The article, “New protocol of clomiphene citrate treatment in women with hypothalamic amenorrhea”, offers the hope of using Clomid not just for ovulation induction, but to actually restore normal menstrual cycles! I actually purchased the article so I could read the details of the study they performed, to see if I agreed with the conclusions they drew in their abstract, and also whether Clomid was the only treatment used, or if there was concomitant decrease in exercise or increase in weight.

The only drawback of the study was its size – only eight women were treated. However, all eight resumed cycling, and were still cycling six months later! I think that this treatment regimen is incredibly promising for those still struggling.

The study consisted of eight women, five of whom had hypothalamic amenorrhea from excessive exercise, the other three from restrictive eating patterns. (Aside – HA does seem to be due to an energy imbalance – either overexercising, undereating, or a combination of the two. I have been in contact with 25+ other women with HA, almost all of whom (including me) fit this profile). The BMIs of the women in the study were 17.6 to 19.5 – underweight or very low normal weight. Hormone levels were meauserd at the beginning of the study, and were classic HA – low side of normal for e2 (18-25), FSH (2.9+/-0.4), LH(2.3+/-0.3) and progesterone (0.18+/-.2). The age profile is younger than most of us who are TTC – 17-22.

The treatment regimen was 50mg of clomid for five days, followed by five days at 100mg. Ovulation was then assessed by u/s and progesterone mid-luteal phase (with a fairly stringent requirement of >25nmol). Of the eight patients, six of them ovulated and got their period after just one cycle! They subsequently took 100 mg Clomid CD3-7 on the next two cycles. The two women who did not ovulate after the first cycle repeated the initial regiment, and both did ovulate after that.

After the three months on Clomid, all eight women resumed cycling on their own, with no additional medication!!! In addition, there was no change in eating or exercising habits – the deficit in energy caused by overexercising and / or undereating seems to be very strongly correlated with hypothalamic amenorrhea.

For anyone trying to conceive, I would NOT recommend not changing the eating/exercise habits that led to HA – I think it is extremely important that during pregnancy one is not operating at an energy deficit. You would never starve your child after he was born; it is no different to starve them inside the womb. However, I think that particularly for people whose insurance does not cover injectibles, this new regimen is well worth trying.

Three of the women on the fertilethoughts HA board have now tried this regimen, with similar success (although one ovulated on the first cycle and repeated the 10 day regimen with no ovulation the second cycle). Two others have tried a longer clomid protocol than the standard five days, although not quite this regimen, one successful and one not. It seems that it is well worth giving this new regimen a shot before pursuing more aggressive treatment like injectibles. And so far one BFP!

In short, the protocol was as follows:
Bleed induced through bcp (not necessary; two of the women on the FT board did not get a bleed first)
50 mg Clomid CD 3 - 7
100 mg Clomid CD 8 - 12
u/s to check for follicles

I hope that other people in the HA boat find this protocol, and start pushing it with their RE's. The traditional thought is that Clomid does *not* work for women with HA because of the low baseline estrogen levels. But this seems to be different!

non-pregnant? not exactly!

2008-01-11T18:23:00.000-05:00

I was feeling very non-pregnant this 2ww. No cramping 6-8dpo, no sore legs during hockey, no strange temperature feelings showering... basically none of the things that clued me in that something might be going on when I was pg with Ant, or last cycle with my chem pg. I was holding out until 14dpo to test after the debacle that was my last cycle as well. I was 95% convinced until yesterday (13dpo) that it would be negative.

Yesterday my temp was up 0.2 in the am, after what I thought at the time could have been an implantation dip on Monday although hard to tell. That was my first inkling. Then, I started having minor cramping throughout the day. I almost wished I had tested so that I wouldn't have my hopes raised only to be dashed today when I did test.

But they weren't. Dashed that is. I got a lovely perfect positive, with the test line in fact darker than the control line. Holy shit, sherlock!

I thought the best way to let M know would be to leave the test out on the counter in the bathroom (on top of the box, so it was obvious what it was). He is such a man - he was in there alone for five minutes before I joined him, when he asked, "So, did you test"

Splitting

2008-01-04T23:36:00.001-05:00

I've been thinking about moving my posts about Ant to another blog for a while, and have finally put that plan into action. I'll keep talking about HA / TTC stuff here, and post about Ant at my new blog, http://phred-fwed-schweffel.blogspot.com. You can read all about the origins of the name over there, if you care to. I still just don't feel 100% comfortable posting about him and his antics here - I feel much better about it in a totally new place.

Knock me over with a feather.

2007-12-27T13:29:00.000-05:00

Based on my previous few cycles, I was anticipating ovulating this cycle somewhere around 1/9, which would be CD28. And I had ultrasounds scheduled for CD15, 20 and 25 to take a look and see how my follicle(s) were developing, my lining, that kind of stuff. I haven't been temping or OPKing or anything, I figured that the u/s would tell me what I needed to know and I didn't need to bother being anal. Starting monday, though, I was getting a fair bit of EW so I thought I'd do some OPKs, just in case. Tuesday's was negative as expected. I was absolutely convinced I still had two weeks to go. But, when I tested on Wednesday, I got a postive. And not just any old positive, the most positive positive I've ever seen. The test line was markedly darker than the control line which has never happened before. ON CD14!!!! Which means if I follow my usual pattern, I will actually O tomorrow. CD16. NORMAL!

One can never know why these things happen, of course, but I'm wondering if it has anything to do with the fact that my ass has not gotten to the gym at all in the past three weeks. I usually lift weights 2x/week, but haven't managed what with the snow and babysitter illness and all. Perhaps my system really is that sensitive???

Whew!

2007-12-22T13:44:00.000-05:00

I had my hysteroscopy on Thursday. I was imagining three possible outcomes: no polyp at all, a small one that could be removed then and there, or a larger one that we'd need to schedule another surgery for. I was fully prepared for option 3 given the general cussedness of the universe. Because I was expecting that, when they got the scope in there and there was nothing except a perfect uterus and tubes, I was totally astonished! The doctor said that what was on the HSG was just an artifact - which is why they do the HSC to confirm. What a nice surprise!

The bitch is in the house.

2007-12-16T22:12:00.000-05:00

The crimson bitch showed up on Thursday, 17dpo. It really is amazing what progesterone does to my LP - to go from 7/8 days to 17 with one little yellow thing pushed up my clacker each night is really pretty impressive.

I have my HSC scheduled for Thursday, where we'll get a better idea of whether I really do have a polyp and what we might do about it (I am so hoping that it can just be removed then and there and I don't have to schedule a separate surgery for it).

Then the following Thursday I have my first u/s to see how my follicle is growing, and whether the fact that I don't ovulate until ~CD28 is okay because my system is just getting a late start, or if it's not okay because really my follicle is growing perfectly well but just marinating in its own juices for two extra weeks. It seems like the former is perfectly fine in terms of egg quality, whereas the latter - not so much.

In the meantime, it turns out that the new insurance I have through M (his company got bought out in July of this year) covers infertility treatments at 70%, but only if you go to one of their "centers of excellence". Which my current clinic is not. So I have to figure out A) if it really is worth it for me to try clomid, B) if clomid and the associated monitoring are considered "infertility treatment", and C) if the new clinic will even see me given that I am actually cycling and haven't been trying for the requisite amount of time. A very wise woman I was talking to about this suggested that cycles > 35 days are NOT normal and should definitely qualify for treatment before the one year period is up - I think it's a good argument, but that doesn't always mean that the bureaucrats will agree!

I finally spoke to my sister this past Friday, and I called her, not the other way 'round. She didn't ask about me at all (I was calling to say that I didn't think it was going to work for us to look after my niece this weekend). She did call me back and leave a message a few minutes later admitting that she was a bad sister because she hadn't mentioned anything. I didn't catch her when I called the next time, but left a message saying that it wasn't good news, and that she should call me. I ended up calling her later in the evening when I hadn't heard anything, and we talked for all of five minutes, because she had to go and put her new baby down. I was practically in tears while talking to her - mostly because I'm sad that despite my hopes to the contrary, we are going through (as Emma aptly termed it), infertility 2.0. I get that it wasn't a good time for her to talk. What I don't get is why she couldn't fucking call me back. It is making me really sad, because I can guarantee you that if our roles were reversed, I would have made a lot more time for her than that.

Apricot white chip cookies (updated)!

2007-12-13T22:37:00.000-05:00

I'm a little late for Jenn's second annual cookie exchange - but I figured better late than never. ~~I actually made these for the first time tonight, absolutely delish.~~ Tonight was my second attempt, so I thought I would update the recipe with the changes (and added picture so I'd get Jenn's extra special bonus points!).

Ingredients:
2 1/2c all purpose flour (9oz, 360g) (or use half whole wheat white flour)
3/4 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
3/4c butter, softened (6oz, 240g)
1c packed light brown sugar (5oz, 200g)
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 egg
2c white chocolate chips (12oz, 500g)
1c chopped almonds (4oz, 150g)
1c apricot preserves (8oz, 300g)

Preheat oven to 350F (175C)
Toast the almonds until browned, once the oven is heated.
While the oven heats / almonds toast:
Cream the butter and sugar until smooth.
Mix flour, baking soda and salt in a separate bowl.
Beat the egg and vanilla into the creamed sugar.
Mix in the apricot preserves until incorporated
Stir in the flour mix until incorporated.
Add in white chips, almonds.
Drop dough by rounded teaspoons onto a cookie sheet (silicone etc. recommended!).
Bake for 10-15 minutes, until golden brown.

I also made a few without the white chocolate chips - a bit less sweet, but also a very nice combination. I love these cookies! Pretty quick to make, and absolutely divine!

Definitely NOT something.

2007-12-09T19:41:00.000-05:00

I went and bought a real test today, and it was the usual snowy white I am used to seeing. So perhaps there was an attempt at something, but it just didn't get very far.

I'm mostly okay. Hell, I get to get sloshed on NYE, that's a positive, right? I can drink a bottle of wine at Xmas, and at the parties we're going to next week. All good.

What I can't stop thinking about though is a comment my mom made to me when I told her a few months ago that we were trying again. The background for this is that she firmly believes that three years is the ideal separation for kids, and it took her a good long while to show any enthusisasm for my sister's latest pregnancy (a fucking "OOPS" pregnancy no less) where her kids are just over two years apart. I figured I would tell her that we were trying so hopefully she wouldn't be as shocked if we made an announcement. What she said to me was "I hope it doesn't happen too quickly".

She has gotten her wish. Not too quickly. *I* just wish she could be a little more supportive. First of all, I am three years older now than she was when she had my younger sister. And, given that we did not concieve quickly the first time, I would think she could say something like "I hope you don't have as much trouble as you did before!". But no.

And then there's my sister. I know that she doesn't get it because she had no trouble falling pregnant with her daughter, and clearly no trouble this time around. But still, I would like it if occasionally, just occasionally she would actually just call and ask how I'm doing. I called her yesterday to tell her about my faintest of faint lines - if the situation were reversed I can guarantee that I would have called her today to see if there was more news, either positive or negative. But have I heard from her? Not a peep. I don't really think that is a lot to ask.

I know that I am preaching to the choir here. Not that I would wish infertility on anyone, but in some ways I think that if everyone had to experience at least having to actually try for a few months before getting pregnant, that there would be a bit more sympathy and understanding out there. Especially from your own fucking family.

Something? Not something?

2007-12-09T09:56:00.000-05:00

I finally O'ed this cycle on CD27 again. Gotta love a four week wait. And since I seem to acquire pimples that correspond with my follicle recruitment of which I appear to have three waves, I spend the majority of that four weeks slathering my face with all the zit creams I can lay my hands on. Lovely.

At 8 dpo I went for my followup appt with my RE. She did an u/s, which showed a nice triple stripe, 8mm thick lining, which she said was showing no signs of going anywhere anytime soon. Yay for progesterone! She agreed that we could give clomid a try (the hospital does not do aromatase inhibitors as the indication is not approved by the FDA), but the final diagnosis from my HSG was that I seem to have a polyp, so before any treatment they want to do an HSC and possibly surgery to remove it. Any thoughts on this? I'm not really a big fan of surgery if I don't need it. I did ask about whether she would want to do anything if I am in fact lucky enough to be pg, and she said no. So I'm not really sure why we'd need to do something if I'm not. Have to think on that.

I have a bunch of pg tests that I got with the OPKs I ordered online. I started testing at 9dpo, because I was feeling so many of the symptoms I had when pg with Ant. Cramping from 6-8 dpo, more tired while playing hockey, a bizarre dream, waking up totally sweaty (lovely, I know!). 9, 10 and 11 dpo tests were all negative. 12 dpo was too. But when I went back and looked at it a while later, there was the faintest of faint second lines! Something? Not something? Not really sure. I know the instructions say not to read it after ten minutes, but really, who listens to that? None of the tests from previous days had any inkling of a second line.

So I was somewhat hopeful. Today's test, though, was even lighter than yesterday's, if that is even possible. So I'm thinking this is a 'chemical' pg. Although on the other hand, my temp has been bouncing around 98 the past week and today went up to 98.6. I guess time will tell...

Uterine update #1

2007-11-13T21:24:00.000-05:00

I had my HSG today - okay news, but not great. One of my tubes appears to be blocked - the dye wouldn't go into that part of my uterus at all. The radiologist said that it could be that my uterus was spasming during the test and that's why - or it could be blocked. As one tends to ovulate from alternating sides, it likely means we'll only have a shot of getting pg every other month. And I'm pretty sure I O'ed from my right side (good tube) last month. So I think this month is likely going to be fruitless. Not that we won't try anyway, but not terribly hopeful. :-(

Should hear back from my doc tomorrow on scheduling u/s throughout my cycle (currently CD14 with snowy white OPKs), so hopefully we'll get some good news from those!

And the reproductive endocringologist says...

2007-11-07T22:11:00.001-05:00

We can go to injections probably starting next cycle.

I was totally taken aback. I was expecting at least a few months of lower intervention treatments before pulling out those guns again.

Needless to say, I am SO not going there, for a good long while. I had four failed injectibles cycles, thank you very much, so why exactly do we think all of a sudden this will work?

I am cycling on my own, despite their not being textbook cycles (okay, fairly far from textbook with the late ovulation AND short LPs), but I feel like we should be able to work with that.

What surprised me was that Dr. C. didn't seem to think that anything had changed with my HA status despite the fact that I AM cycling now. She still said that she didn't think that Clomid would do anything, based on my low e2 and LH levels from before. (b/w this time: e2=32, FSH 6.4, LH 3.2 - e2 is about what it was BA, LH is almost double, which I think is a good sign?)

She's doing a full IF workup on me, bloodwork, HSG scheduled for next week mostly because I had a C-section with Ant to check for adhesions, and bloodwork and SA for M as well. Also u/s throughout my cycle to see what's going on. Then we'll meet again on 12/4 to discuss.

She doesn't believe in LPD, which I've heard from a number of other sources, rather that it's a follicular phase defect - which makes a lot of sense to me. And is indicated by my rather long follicular phase (21 and 28 days so far, 8 and counting this cycle). So the u/s will hopefully help figure out whether my follicles are just not maturing properly, or if they are mature but there are problems with the corpus luteum.

I did manage to score some progesterone to use in my LP. I'm hoping that does the trick, and I won't need anything else.

I really thought that I had this fricking thing kicked.

Frustration

2007-11-07T22:02:00.000-05:00

Every now and again we have a day that just makes me crazy. And they have been coming more and more often in recent weeks.

It's a combination of things: Ant having a fair number of words, but not for everything he wants to do, becoming less interested in his toys and more interested in general household items, and our not having been very good about saying 'no' to him, setting up expectations.

We spent a lot of time yesterday with me being the mommy taxi, him pointing at the spice cupboard or the clean dishes or the refrigerator saying "eh eh eh eh eh", me responding "what do you WANT???" followed by "no, that's not a good idea" when I finally managed to figure it out, and him screaming.

And then I was working during his naps, so no downtime. AND he woke up at the ungodly (these days) hour of 5:05 ante-meridian. This time change just freaking sucks. HSHHC saying that putting them to bed later does not mean a later wake up time is definitely true, much to my chagrin. On top of that, we were cooped up inside all day because it was pouring and cold outside. Yuck.

Anyway, all of that combined to make me just about ready to tear my hair out by the end of the day. I was SO glad to see M when he got home! Just a phase, I keep telling myself. Just a phase.

We're off to see the RE

2007-10-31T14:46:00.000-05:00

The fat lady just sang a big old aria in the keys of A and F. A measly eight days after I *finally* ovulated, on CD28. I got a heads up yesterday because my temp dropped, so I called my RE's office. I had been debating about it shortly before I finally O'ed - given that my cycle does not seem to be trending towards normal, I think it's time to call in the cavalry. I was lucky enough to get an appointment for Friday, which I was really hoping for so that I could do something about this upcoming cycle. I would like to walk away from that appointment with a prescription in my hot little hands for Clomid or Femara to help me O earlier, and progesterone to help with the LP. We'll see.

I already knew how very, incredibly lucky I was to get pregnant with Ant, these irregular cycles make me appreciate it even more. The decision I made on that natural cycle to use the progesterone just in case, seems now to be likely the thing that made all the difference.

Finally!!!

2007-10-25T23:07:00.000-05:00

I was completely convinced on Sunday that I was not going to O this cycle until something ridiculous like CD42. My CM apparently dried up, my temp was that of a person near death (96.6), and my OPK was negative.

I wasn't even going to do another OPK on Monday, CM was still practically nonexistent, but a friend from the HA board said that I really should because you just never know. My OPK from the day before had appeared a bit darker, but that just seemed like the pattern I'd already observed twice before this cycle.

So... I peed on another stick on Monday. To my complete astonishment, it was an almost positive. And as I had had a lot to drink and gone to the bathroom 2.5 hours before, I figured that was good enough.

Temping confirmed my O (my THIRD!!!) on Monday or perhaps Tuesday. CD 27/28. About flipping time :-)

So now I'm in my second first 2ww. Not expecting much, but having a smidgen of hope.

Now for something completely different

2007-10-20T22:35:00.000-05:00

My mom is an avid gardener, and has stocked my little plot with numerous interesting plants over the years we've live here. Her latest offering were some dahlias that friends of hers who own a nursery were giving away to loving homes. I adore them, they are flowering at this time of year when there isn't much else of interest in the garden. And I think they are incredibly beautiful blossoms. So I thought I'd share.

Not-so-rose-tinted glasses

2007-10-19T18:10:00.000-05:00

I am so flipping frustrated with my stupid body. I do believe I have the hypothalamic amenorrhea kicked. What I don't have kicked is totally irregular cycles. I have had a visit from the crimson bitch twice since I stopped BFing. The first time was four days after I ovulated, right as BFing ended. The second was 29 days later - 8 days after a CD21 O. I remember having had somewhat long cycles back from when I was a teenager, before any birth control, so I figured, okay, I'm going to O on around CD21... slightly longer than normal, but I can manage that.

So then we decide we're ready to ttc again. I should have known that was a recipe for my body going haywire. I started having EWCM on CD 8 this cycle. I was totally surprised - pleasantly so, thinking that maybe I'd actually O around CD14 and be normal. That dried up a couple of days later. No big deal.

Then it started again, CD13 this time. At this point, my 'no temping no OPKing' idea went out of the window. I was obsessing way more about whether I was going to O or not that I would using those things. So I started charting. This round of EW lasted for three days, then dried up again. So much for a normal length cycle.

Third time's the charm, right? My latest round of EW started on Monday, that's FIVE days ago - and still no positive OPK. Nor a temp rise, so it's not as if I O'ed and just didn't catch the surge. I am currently CD24, with no end in sight.

When I got pregnant with Ant, I O'ed on CD42. I thought, at the time, that it was so late because it was my first natural cycle in oh, forever. Now I'm rethinking that. Perhaps that is normal for me? I *wish* that I had paid attention when I was a teenager so I'd have a better idea of what to expect now.

I had set my baseline expectation at CD21 based on last cycle, but perhaps I should not anticipate O'ing until CD42 and then I'll feel less frustrated. I just wish I knew what was going on with all this egg-white. I'm almost getting to the point where I want to call my RE and see if I can go in for an u/s just to see what things are looking like inside. Do I have a decent sized follicle, that I could just take a trigger shot for? Or am I trundling along, follicle-less, and my hypothalamus is just playing tricks on me?

Damn, I *hate* not being in control, not knowing what is going on.

It's official

2007-10-05T22:18:00.000-05:00

The proverbial goalie has been pulled. We are no longer doing anything to prevent pregnancy, so we are officially 'trying'. I'm in such a different space than I was in 2005 when we were attempting to get pregnant with the baby who turned out to be Ant.

I'm actually cycling! They may not be perfect (late O and 5 and 8 day LP's so far), but I have had two visits from the crimson bitch.

I'm approximately 16 pounds heavier.

I'm exercising about 1/4 as much.

I have my libido back after many, many years absence - wooo-hooo!

I am trying not to let my type A side take charge - no temping, no OPKs.

Finding it so much easier to interact with my pregnant sister (she was pregnant when we were ttc Ant as well - *hard*)

Experiencing the optimistim that most people have when they decide to try and concieve their first baby. (I knew I had problems pretty much from the get-go last time.)

Hoping that I can keep these rose colored glasses on!

You can call me obnoxious. Really, you can.

2007-10-02T22:27:00.000-05:00

Soooo.... That post I wrote Friday night (I think) about the line between proud mom and bragging. If you didn't see it, you really didn't miss anything. Well, anything good. It was obnoxious. I SO crossed the line. If you did see it, I really apologize. I was in a bad mood after an interaction with a friend who goes on and on about her kid, and I wrote the post in that frame of mind. It was never my intention to make anyone feel bad, or be hurtful in anyway, and when I read it over a few hours later I realized that it could. And that it was just generally out of line. So I deleted it, hoping that bloglines would not pick it up and I could just pretend that it never happened. But it did get picked up, and so now you all know my inner asshole. Hopefully you'll forgive me this time, I'll work on squashing her some more, and we can still be friends?

Walking wounded

2007-10-02T21:58:00.001-05:00

I play ice hockey with a bunch of guys every Tuesday morning. Today I got in the way of a slap shot (inadvertantly, my modus operandi is usually 'get the hell out of the way'). I took the shot off the inside of my thigh, where there is zero protection. I'm finding the bruise and associated swelling quite fascinating. You can actually see the track down the middle where the puck hit!

Updates

2007-09-23T22:25:00.001-05:00

I think CB is on the way - know why I think that? Because I'm getting my second yeast infection in a month (and my temp was down today too). The little booklet that came with the medicine I got last time did say that it could be associated with AF. Never happened to me before, but now, both cycles! Post-coital burning last night was NOT a pleasant sensation. I really hope this is not going to be a monthly occurrence. On the plus side, it looks like my LP this month will be 8 days, up from 5 last month. Heading in the right direction, at least!

Long term effects

2007-09-16T14:16:00.000-05:00

DD mentioned in a recent post how she was always the last one picked for teams through her school years.

Me too.

And as I was reading her post I was thinking about how my status in the social hierarchy during my early teen years has affected me through the rest of my life.

As a kid I was not particularly athletic, nor particularly popular. I had my friends, but we were definitely not the cool crowd - in fact, I often joke that I was a 'band geek'. I did go to music camp. My life was about academics, band, chorus, orchestra, small ensemble, and my friends who were mostly into the same things.

I was quite shy. An introvert. I moved to a new school when I was in third grade, and the teachers called my parents in; I wasn't playing with the other children during recess, but rather reading books.

I always wanted so desperately to fit in, to be cool, to be liked. Not to be laughed at. I was a late bloomer, and often got teased about it. In sixth grade I was standing next to the trash bin and one of the boys used me to bank a crumpled piece of paper off to 'score'. And then made a lovely joke about how I was flat enough to be a backboard. I got teased for my shoes - I had the velcro kind with cartoon characters on them, even in sixth grade. Never wore those again.

I didn't drink or go to parties, wasn't sexually active until late in high school. All of which meant that I was on the outside looking in. Another incident that will always stay with me was Halloween of sophomore year of high school; my little group of friends got together at my house, dressed up and went trick or treating. Of course we happened to go to the house of one of our classmates who was having a party - the laughter when he opened the door and saw us was particularly cruel.

I got used to being an observer. Wanting desperately to participate, but afraid to do so. Used to being left out, overlooked, picked last.

That feeling has stayed with me well into my adult years. I'm a lot less shy, have become athletic, have taken on plenty of leadership positions, and am well-liked in any group situation I'm in, I still have the fears of being left behind and laughed at.

Case in point - when I went to NYC to meet up with the two ladies I had met on the HA board. They have each flown cross-country to visit the other, so clearly know each other much better than I do. As we walked from the park where we had met up for lunch back to the trump towers for the babies' naps, I was totally anticipating them walking side by side, conversing with each other while I walked behind trying despearately to be part of it. To my surprise and pleasure, my fears were totally unfounded. Sometimes the three of us wuold talk, sometimes, me and L, or me and S, or S and L, but I didn't feel like a third wheel as I was totally expecting to.

Then this week I was at an offsite for work (my first nights away from Ant!). We had some unexpected free time on Wednesday afternoon, so a group of the 'cool' kids was going out for a drink. I asked them to wait for me while I ran up to my room, came back down anticipating that they would have left without me - but they were still there. Then we had a nice time, during which I was completely included in the conversation, and even some of the jokes and teasing that inevitably goes on in those situations.

So clearly I am not the social pariah that I once was, and most other people have grown out of the cliques of the high school era. But the innermost little girl in me is still so afraid!

How about you? Do you have any similar demons from middle and high school? If you were one of the popular crowd back then, do you have a different viewpoint on things, both then and now?

Cured!?!?!

2007-09-16T14:02:00.000-05:00

As I'm sure you're all aware, I was crossing my breath and holding my fingers that I would cycle normally again after finishing breastfeeding.

I had one false alarm towards the end of BFing, and then a real ovulation right around the time I stopped, with the good old crimson bitch showing up a measly 5 days later. But she showed up!!!

Around CD10 of this cycle (and I am so excited that I can say that!) I started seeing some fertile signs, so started temping and OPKing. Today (CD20), I got a real positive OPK! Last time I had two days where the test line was almost as dark but not quite, and then did O after that - today's test was actually even darker than the control line. So I think I'm ready to call it - I no longer have hypothalamic amenorrhea. I may have other cycle issues, but it seems clear that my hypothalamus is sending out the signals it's supposed to be.

I am just over the moon!!!

Giving New Yorkers a bad name

2007-09-10T21:20:00.000-05:00

A couple of weeks ago (yikes!) Ant and I went to NYC for the day to meet up with a couple of women I have met on the HA message board. It was a last minute decision to go - one of the women was visiting for the week from Colorado, so I decided that it was unlikely that I'd get another chance to see her anytime soon so I'd give it a shot.

I left on Tuesday night right around Ant's bedtime of 7pm, hoping that he'd fall asleep on the way down. He did, but not until 8:40 or so. He was reasonably content in his car seat, so that wasn't too bad. When we arrived in NYC, we were staying with a good friend of mine from college. (Sidebar - we realized we've known each other for over fifteen years, I can't believe college was that long ago!!!). Ant was SO excited when we arrived, there was no way my plan of putting him immediately in his Pack-n-Play to go to sleep was going to work. All the cars for him to look at "cah cah cah!", lights "ight, IGHT!" - just too much excitement. He finally went to sleep again at around 1am. And then of course we were awoken at 4am by a stupid truck blaring its horn right outside the window. I took Ant into the bed with me (which I hardly ever do), so he got some more sleep, but I really didn't.

The next day we hung out with my friend and her little dog, whom Ant totally loved. He kept sticking his hands out for the dog to lick. So cute. Then the pooch would try and lick Ant's face, he would put his hands up to push her away, and make the cutest expression of disgust. Too funny.

Around lunch time, we headed down to the subway to meet up with the other women from the HA board and their girls. I was a little dismayed to find that the subway system is not very handicap (i.e. stroller) accessible. I ended up walking about a mile to get to a station with an elevator, which took me down to the main concourse. I couldn't for the life of me find another elevator to get down to the tracks, so eventually asked a guy who looked like he worked there. After he looked around for a minute and couldn't find anything, he very nicely offered to help me carry the stroller down the stairs. Score one for the New Yorkers!

On the other end, I got out of the train, with no sign of elevators anywhere, so another random nice guy helped me get the stroller up all the stairs, and then even pointed me in the right direction. New Yorkers, plus two.

We had a really nice time with my compatriots and their daughters. We all had lunch in a park, then Ant needed a nap (I forgot to mention that in addition to his stroller I was toting around his Pack-n-Play - surprisingly it fit nicely in the bottom of our wheels). So we went back, not to S's apartment as it was very small, but to the apartment of a friend of hers where L was staying - in the Trump Towers. Very swish!

Ant took a decent nap, and then we had to get on our way to meet up with someone else from the board. I was walking at a reasonably good pace to get back to the subway station, as I was afraid we would be late, and of course my cell phone was dying. (What on earth did we do before cell phones???). I was on the far left of the sidewalk, and saw a man in camoflage walking on the far right. I thought to myself, "Oh, I hope he's going to the train station too, I'm sure he'd be willing to help me carry the stroller down". Yeah. Not so much. He turned to me all the way on the other side of the sidewalk as I passed him, and said in a thoroughly nasty tone of voice, "Oh sure, just push everyone out of your way". I turned to look at him because I got the sense he was talking to me but had no idea why, and he said "Yes, I'm talking to you. I don't know how you sleep at night".

I was so taken aback. Granted, with the Graco metrolite stroller, we were not exactly city friendly, but I didn't run into anyone, nor was I pushing anyone out of my way at all. And I was totally no where near him. I just found it so bizarre! And such a contrast to all the other people who had been so nice and helpful to me earlier. And again when I did get to the station. I was laughing to myself afterwards - he should have seen me earlier when S, L and I were walking three across with our strollers on the sidewalk, or maneuvering through the deli where we got our lunch.

The rest of the day was just lovely, and Ant slept the entire way home and didn't even wake up when we transferred him to his crib on my arrival. All in all I was very glad that we went. Except for that one jerk!

New score in - wolves 2, Nico - jackpot!!!

2007-08-27T22:15:00.000-05:00

Chain of evidence:

Temp way down yesterday.

Signs of an imminent yeast infection. Lovely.

Some cramping in the am - felt much more like CB cramps than GI... ???

Purchased 1-day yeast infection treatment last night.

Used it.

Pantyliners today to deal with the drippage.

Lots of drippage.

Lots and LOTS of drippage.

Getting more and more pink-ish through the day????

Explanation number one - some wierd fungal disease turning my lady bits pink.

Explanation number two - crimson bitch?

End of day check suggests number two. Only a five day LP, but holy shit! An LP!!! An ovulation that I caught!!! The renowned crimson bitch paying a visit (with thanks to Mollywogger for a much better term than AF)!!!!!!

Yiipppppppppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Round two - wolves 2, Nico 0.

2007-08-26T22:37:00.000-05:00

I'm amusing myself. Which is good because I think everyone else is sick of this train of thought.

My temp was up on Friday, up on Saturday and very clearly NOT up today. So unfortunately I think that this week's potential O was yet another false hope.

What I find very interesting, though, is that it was 29 days after the last time I thought I may have. So clearly something is going on with my hormones, I'm just not all the way there yet.

Stopped BFing completely as of Thursday - I have enough frozen milk to make it to that magical one year mark, and I'm taking that as good enough. Ant was not terribly pleased with me the last night we nursed, popping on and off and never really drinking much. I don't know if I just wasn't letting down quickly enough or what. So I'm not as sad about it as I thought I might be. In fact, I'm somewhat relieved.

No more wolves - I think!

2007-08-23T23:34:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I've been diligently peeing on sticks every day since last Friday. Oh, how I missed it! (Not, and yet not!)

As I mentioned, I was getting essentially no line for the first few days. A line so faint that even when I squinted I wasn't sure I could actually see it. BUT! Two days ago, it was much darker. Still not a positive, not as dark as the control line, but damn close. And then yesterday the same.

And all kinds of crampy things going on last night.

Today's OPK was back to the nonexistent line again.

I think I should go to bed now so I can check my temp in the morning.

O.b.sessing!

am temp = up. cautiously optimistic!!!